One of Those Things (2017)

Mission 025: New Construction [Shopkeepour]
"all right my cousin construction workour is having trouble with a rival construction firm sabotaging his worksite" "uh-oh" Jakey begins to sweat, as he has a very good idea of whom is behind the sabotage. "so what's been happening" "cranes are having their necks broken off" "could just be the wind" "building materials are being stolen" "punk kids and/or robert truckdriver clones" "and this threatening letter" Shopkeepour hands Jakey a letter written on fancy letterhead. "'you fuckers well know that there is only room in alabama for one construction company so get the fuck out or there will be more accidents'; well obviously it's a trick by the prince of wales" "also there was this second note that i didn't understand until just now" Shopkeepour hands Jakey the second note. "'ha i tricked you into thinking the note was one of my tricks' oh goddammit" "so are you convinced now" "no give me a minute and i will come up with another crackpot theory" "all right" Jakey sweats, as he is running out of archnemesises to finger. "well uh obviously the culprit is uh construction workour himself" "WHAT" "he has been destroying and/or stealing his own shit in order to fraud the insurance company and pin the blame on his rival" "that FUCKER" Shopkeepour makes a phonecall and soon The Police swarm over the construction site. "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT" "but-" Andy Summers tases Construction Workour. "SILENT, I SAID" The Police arrest every last member of the construction firm, including Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Construction Candice missions/Sting missions]

Mission 026: Blowing Smoke [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and hears a mass of hacking and wheezing. "uh is everything okay in there?" "th-the door's open" The coughing doesn't cease as Jakey opens the door, and sees Valerie with five different cigarettes lit at the same time. "what in the world-" "th-these nice kids c-came in and s-sold me a bunch of c-cigarettes" "but you've never smoked before in your life; why did you buy so many" "th-the advertisements always sh-showed that smokers are m-more attractive" "yes, that cacophonous cough of yours is really creating a tent in my pants" "i-i-i figured i-i'd g-get used to it" "and like eighty different types of cancer; at this rate i'll have to perform emergency surgery on your lungs before five-thirty" Valerie looks toward the floor, ashamed of her purchase. "why do you have five going at the same time" "i-i-i wanted to c-compare the fl-flavours" Valerie passes out from a lack of oxygen. "holy shit" Jakey drags Valerie's unconscious body out of the smoke-filled house into the fresh air, then goes back in to dispose of the cigarettes and replace her lost money. Jakey takes a look at the packages of cigarettes, and notices that they are the kind he had packaged for the Jakey Scouts to sell. "oh for fuck's sake; will they leave this poor girl alone" Jakey puts all the cigarettes in the back of The Motherfucker and closes the trunk as Valerie regains consciousness. "wh-what happened" "i saved your life; you were about to suffocate" "o-oh" A single tear streams down Valerie's face. "it's okay; we all make mistakes" Jakey gives Valerie a big hug to help make her feel better. "i-i actually did k-kind of like the fl-flavour of the 'double quarter-pounder with cheese' c-cigarette" "i'll take you to a mcdonald's later" Michelle rummages through The Motherfucker's trunk and grabs a raspberry-flavoured cigarette, lights it, and begins to puff. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey Scouts missions]

Mission 027: Fine Art [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Jakey shakes his head and enters the shack. "you've really got to work on that" "i-i-i-i'm sorry i-i-i was just elsewhere m-mentally" "what do you mean and why do you appear to be standing in such a way as to block my field of vision" "n-nothing, and n-no reason" Jakey attempts to peer around Valerie's side, but she blocks the attempt by stepping to her left. "that bad?" "i-it's embarrassing" "i don't think that you can get much more embarrassing than nearly suffocating yourself with cigarette smoke" A deep frown appears on Valerie's face, and she steps aside. Jakey looks down at the table, and sees a bunch of drawings and sketches. "this honestly wasn't what i had in mind; how is this embarrassing, especially when the drawings are so good" "r-really?" "yeah; i wish i could draw this well" Jakey takes out a blank piece of paper and tries to draw himself to demonstrate. He ends up creating a bubble-headed monstrosity with dots for eyes and a nose, no neck, no hands, and no feet. "th-that's uh d-different" "to put it lightly" "d-do you really think i'm th-that good" "totally; you've got real talent" "s-so you're saying i c-could be a professional artist?" "you're way too talented to be an artist; all 'art' is nowadays is a contest to see who can self-fellate most efficiently" "o-oh i-i don't think f-fellatio sounds l-like a good t-time" "there's call for actual talent in advertising and such though; you might even be able to find your way to a comic book if you don't mind drawing the most ridiculous storylines, such as in the tomato of justice #544, where he is stewed in a pot, nullifying his superpowers until he makes a deal with satan himself to reverse time at the cost of his unborn child, the cherry tomato of justice" "i-i'll look into print advertising" "good choice" Michelle slaps Jakey for spoiling the plot of The Tomato of Justice, as she is only at issue #478, where The Tomato of Justice faces his archnemesis, Doctor Date and his raisin army for the all the marbles again, again. Again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Tomato of Justice t-shirt/The Tomato of Justice jacket]

Mission 028: Any Relation to Actual Persons, Living or Dead [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard, and Jakey enters the shack. "that sounded worse than usual" "s-sorry i just thought about wh-what you said about comics a-and i've been drafting ideas f-for my own comic book" "oh wow; can i see" Valerie moves out of the way so Jakey can see her work. "i-it's based on a true story about a gravedigger wh-who unearthed an ancient skeleton catacombs a-and defeated the skeleton king" "oh yes you've told me that one; that was a great story, and with a little fleshing out and fictional bits to extend the length, it could make a great comic" Jakey pauses for a moment. "but uh why are some of these sketches dudes; there were no non-skeleton dudes in the real event" "well uh i-i thought it could sell better if i-i-i changed the hero to a man" "nah; all you need to do is take these sketches of you, increase the bust size, and give yourself less clothes, and you'll have a 10/10 best-seller" "r-really?" "yeah, anyone who doesn't love or at least appreciate scantily-clad women with gigantic breasts isn't worth the air they breathe" "tr-true i have always had great r-respect for the women who s-sacrifice their backs in order to m-make people happy" "that's the spirit; it's also a positive message to children!!! no matter how beautiful and well-endowed you are, you can still be a hero!!!" "yeah!!!" Valerie goes to work right away drawing her new heroine with F-cups, while Michelle shows everyone the drawing she made of herself with K-Cup coffee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie's comic jacket]

Mission 029: Sin After Sin [Father Brucie]
"my son, what is the greatest sin of all" "uh uh" Sweat begins to pour down Jakey's face, as he did not know there would be a pop quiz. "i-i-i-i can't decide; th-they're all so good" Father Brucie nods. "well done my son; all eight deadly sins are just as bad as any of the others" Jakey breathes a sigh of relief, then realises what Father Brucie had just said. "wait eight? i thought there were seven" "uh-oh which one are you forgetting" "well i know about pride, wrath, lust, greed, sloth, gluttony, and, uh, envy" "oh dear; you have forgotten about the eighth sin: being a fucking idiot" "wait, that's a sin?" "dude-uh-i mean my son, you have no IDEA how many people are denied access to the kingdom of heaven each and every day for being a fucking idiot; now i'm not talking about people who are just like kind of dumb, but rather about the people who are so completely caught up in their stupidity that they think they actually aren't stupid as fuck" "c-can you give me some examples" "liberals" "oh yeah good call, lord" Jakey gives the sky a thumbs-up. A cloud passes by, and Jakey swears it looks just like an identical thumbs-up; Father Brucie, however, claims it looks like some kind of sheep. Michelle falls through the cloud, giving Jakey her own thumbs-up as she pulls the cord on her parachute. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/knowledge that will serve you well in the times to come]

Mission 030: Impressionable [Father Brucie]
"all right my son i've figured it out; i have figured out how to covert the impressionable youths to the light of the lord" "oh boy" "children love the musics, so we get a musician to music about how great the lord is" "didn't we already try that with-" "DON'T SAY IT; i know about the mistakes of the past, but this time, we will get a musician the youths actually like" "did you have anyone in mind" "uh no; you're going to have to figure that part out" "joy" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and thinks about the musicians he's met in his adventures over the years, and two names stick out in his mind. Getting both together would be the ultimate onslaught of religious bliss for the youths. However, the music also needs a backbone, so a drummer will also be required. The order of acquisition of these two valuable assets is very important, so he sets out for the park. "miss julia long time haven't seen; are you interested in joining a musical group for a great cause" "only if i get to play pan flute" "deal" Jakey and Julia hop into The Motherfucker and go to find a drummer, and at Julia's recommendation, they get an up-and-coming drummer named Drummour for the group. As a bonus, his cousin Slide Whistlour will also play on the record as a session musician. Now for the final gambit; the last and most difficult member of the group to acquire. This man will look at the quality of the musicians already assembled and decide whether they are worthy to play with him. Sweat pours down Jakey's face as his body fills with worry. He tries to put on a calm facade, even knowing his candidate will see through to his inner weakness. "uh hey kenny loggins how would you feel about joining a group for the benefit of youths around the world" Kenny Loggins looks out past Jakey at Julia and Drummour. "hmmm only if i get to play pan flute" A look of sheer terror and panic spreads across Jakey's face. Two pan flutes will ruin the delicate balance of the music, and he needs Kenny Loggins's vocals to sell the message, even if he can't have his guitar-playing. "um excuse me mr. loggins but it was agreed that i would be the one to play pan flute" "there is only one way to settle this; if you defeat me in a pan fluting contest, i will concede and play guitar in your group" "you're on" Julia and Kenny Loggins pull out their pan flutes and begin to duel. Technique, style, and flair are all paramount in this contest. The problem for the musical group, however, is that Kenny Loggins is unrivaled in style and flair. Julia's technique must be spot-on to win the contest, as one mistake will grant Kenny Loggins the victory. Jakey stands in a puddle of his own sweat, completely drenched from head to toe. Drummour makes a desperate ploy, and hops into Kenny Loggins's car and drives off. "MY CAR" Because of the distraction, Julia finishes her part and wins the contest. Drummour returns the car to where it was parked without a scratch. "man, you gamed the shit out of me; guess i'm in the band now" "yesssssssssssssssssssssss" Michelle walks up to the scene and plays a groovy as shit bass solo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kenny Loggins t-shirt/Julia Elise Armell t-shirt/Julia missions/Kenny Loggins missions]

Mission 031: Resisting the Urge [Resistance Leadour]
"yo ressie what are you resisting now" "oh i got wind of a contract to assassinate me so i am resisting the assassination" "oh that sounds important; don't let me keep you" "you know you could help me out by finding the assassin and getting them to stop somehow" "oh that's much better than my plan of standing here cheering you on" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a jetpack and takes to the skies to find the assassin. "oh for fuck's sake" Jakey spots Sophia lining up her shot on Resistance Leadour. Even if she resists the first shot, there's no way Resistance Leadour can resist all the bullets on Sophia's bandolier. Jakey flies over to Sophia and hovers next to her. "yo sophie i-" "oh hey jakey i've really been making a killing on these contracts (no pun intended) thank you so much for helping me with my technique and confidence issues" "well uh-" "right now i'm after this resistance leadour lady; the intelligence i've gathered from the streets of alabama says that she is capable of resisting things that would kill or at least cripple most people, so i made sure to bring a lot of bullets; i've even got a sidearm this time around" Sophia quickly points to the handgun in a holster on her left side, then finishes lining up her shot. "listen, you've done a great job, but have you ever considered the human side of the contracts; like what did resistance leadour even do to earn the wrath of the contract-giver" "she resisted their attempts to bulldoze an orphanage in order to build a new mcdonald's" "see she's a-" "they were planning on adopting all the orphans themselves instead of keeping them in a single building like cattle, which would have helped make sure they didn't turn out like i did; also i love mcdonald's and a branch on lionel richie avenue would have been very convenient for me in my day-to-day" "well yeah but uh what about" Jakey pauses to think. "i got nothing" "good" Sophia fires a round, but it is resisted. "i expected as much" Sophia continues laying down fire on Resistance Leadour, but she manages to continue resisting well past when Sophia runs out of bullets. "GODDAMMIT WHAT IS THIS WOMAN MADE OUT OF" Sophia starts to huck Mr. Shooty down in anger, but thinks better of it at the last second. "sorry mr. shooty it's not your fault" Sophia gives Mr. Shooty a big hug. Michelle rises up the side of the building, cleaning the windows. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 032: Extreme Resistance [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey after successfully resisting death by gunshot 100+ times, i have been cast to star in my own television series!!! it is called EXTREME RESISTANCE" "sounds like something straight out of the '90s" "i know right!!! the best decade even!!!" "what's the show about" "i am put into a lot of dangerous situations and i resist injury and/or death" "are you sure you're up for that? i mean you're great at resisting and all but this may be too much" "don't worry; my life is insured so it will be replaced if something happens" "that's not how that works" "what how is it not; you insure your car, and they replace it if it gets destroyed" "i-uh-it-i-but" "see you don't even have a retort" "because what you said was so incredibly wrong that there's no possible thing that could be said to even begin to scratch the surface of the tip of the iceberg of how wrong you are" "sounds to me like you're just trying to make me feel bad and not refute the central point; at this point you'd have more success if you just held up a framed portrait of a smug anime girl" Jakey holds up a mirror. "ooh good one" "i've been waiting to use that one for years" "well i hate to cut and run but i have to rest up; big day of resisting tomorrow" "call me when you find out the running time" "will do" Michelle runs in from the other room, screaming. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/EXTREME RESISTANCE t-shirt]

Mission 033: Smack Talk [Gwendolyn]
"all right jakey today is the day; i have been training tirelessly for this day; the proud tradition of the VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES" "why haven't i ever heard of this before" "it only happens heptadecennially; dating back all the way to 1371" "wow; six-hundred years of history" "yes, and once again, i will help to bring honour and glory to the vampires" "any other big players" "honestly i'm going to have to carry the vampires team this year; with the deaths of zackula and count chocula, we're short two of our best athletes, and i don't expect much out of the new guys" "but killing boo berry must have weakened the ghosts team right" "yes, but word on the street is that they've got a young up-and-coming ghost whose abilities rival even mine" "THAT'S RIGHT; THE GHOSTS ARE GOING TO WIN THIS YEAR" Claire suddenly appears once she wants everyone to know she's been there the whole time. "GAH" Jakey falls to the floor, clutching his chest. His heart had attacked, but the diamonds helped Jakey to win the battle. "okay i'm fine now" "uh yeah as i was saying; ghosts are great, you know" "really? i was under the impression that they were terrible at everything" "nah you're getting them confused with vampires" "mmm hey i know let's ask jakey what he thinks" "good idea; hey jakey which are better: ghosts or vampires" Sweat begins to pour down Jakey's face and he begins to shake. "HEY LOOK IT'S MICHELLE GOTTA TAKE HER HOME BYE" Jakey runs off, grabs Michelle by the hand, and drags her off to The Motherfucker. "i wish you'd always show such initiative regarding when you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Team Vampires t-shirt/Team Ghosts t-shirt/Undecided t-shirt]

Mission 034: Opening Ceremony [Gwendolyn]
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE HEPTADECENNIAL VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES" The crowd cheers as King Bran pauses to take it all in. "TONIGHT, TWO TEAMS OF UNDEAD COMPETITORS WILL uh COMPETE FOR GLORY FOR THEIR um species? race? whatever ANYWAY LET THE GAMES BEGIN" King Bran motions for Emelyn to light the torch, commencing the games. "HELLO EVERYONE AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EXCITING VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES; I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "THE FIRST EVENT IS WHO CAN GET CLOSEST TO THE CENTRE OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP WITHOUT BITING" "A DIFFICULT CONTEST TO BE SURE BOB" "THE VAMPIRES MAY HAVE AN ADVANTAGE IN THIS COMPETITION, AS GWENDOLYN HAS PATIENCE BORN FROM THE MANY YEARS SHE'S BEEN ALIVE" "DON'T COUNT CLAIRE OUT YET BOB; SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS A TRICK UP HER METAPHORICAL SLEEVE (AS SHE DOES NOT CURRENTLY HAVE ANY LITERAL SLEEVES)" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; AND THEY ARE OFF" "GWENDOLYN HAS CHOSEN A CHERRY TOOTSIE ROLL POP, AND CLAIRE HAS CHOSEN A GRAPE ONE" "BOTH SIDES ARE PLAYING IT SAFE, RATHER THAN GOING FOR THE MORE CHALLENGING FLAVOURS" "PROBABLY FOR THE BEST; IN THIS EVENT WE HAVE SET UP MICROPHONES TO DETECT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF BITING" "THESE TWO ARE CLEARLY MASTERS AT THIS SPORT; JUST WATCH THE SWEAT DRAIN DOWN THEIR FACES AS THEY CONCENTRATE SO INTENTLY" "I AM IN AWE OF WHAT I AM SEEING BOB" "AS AM I, AND THE CROWD IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS WATCHING THIS INTENSE COMPETITION" "THAT'S JUST A WASTE OF MONEY; THEY PAID FOR THE ENTIRE SEAT" "INDEED" "OH NO A MOMENTARY LASPE IN CONCENTRATION FROM CLAIRE, AND SHE HAS BITTEN INTO THE TOOTSIE ROLL POP" "THE VAMPIRES TAKE THE FIRST ROUND" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB" Michelle walks into the recording booth with an orange Tootsie Roll Pop in her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Tootsie Roll Pop t-shirt/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 035: The Spirit of Competition [Gwendolyn]
"WE ARE AT THE FINAL EVENT OF THE VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES, AND IT IS ALL TIED UP" "YES, THE VAMPIRES HAVE WON THE TOOTSIE ROLL POP COMPETITION, THE 100M HOPSCOTCH, THE POP QUIZ, AND THE POETRY SLAM" "BUT THE GHOSTS HAVE WON THE LONG JUMP, THE FOX-ONLY FINAL DESTINATION BATTLE, THE BANANA PEEL MINEFIELD RACE, AND THE HEATED KARAOKE BATTLE" "THAT KARAOKE BATTLE WAS TOO CLOSE TO CALL; GLAD IT'S NOT MY JOB" "INDEED; NOW WE'RE ONTO THE FINAL EVENT, FOR ALL THE MARBLES" "THE OUTCOME OF THE 2017 VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES HINGES ON THIS; THE FRIENDLY HANDSHAKE" "WHOMEVER GIVES OUR OFFICIAL FRIENDSHIP JUDGE THE FRIENDLIEST HANDSHAKE WILL WIN THE GAMES AND GET ALL THE HONOUR AND GLORY THAT COMES WITH IT; PLUS GLOATING RIGHTS FOR THE NEXT SEVENTEEN YEARS" "LET'S GO DOWN TO THE ACTION" "all right you both know the rules right? you both shake my hand, and whomever is the friendliest wins; handshakes will be graded for grip, enthusiasm, eye contact, and smile" Sheriff Antony holds up a silver coin. "since it is an odd-numbered year, vampires get to call the coin toss" "heads" Sheriff Antony flips up the coin, and it lands tails-side up. "tails; claire will you go first or second" "first" "all right; gwendolyn move to the side and give claire the space she needs" Gwendolyn does as she is instructed, and begins to study Claire's technique. Sheriff Antony dons an ecto-brand glove on his right hand so it can be shaken. Claire grips Sheriff Antony's hand firmly, gives a friendly smile (no teeth), and looks deep into his eyes. Once the handshake is completed, Sheriff Antony takes some notes and sends Claire off to where Gwendolyn is standing. "all right; next competitor" Gwendolyn walks up to Sheriff Antony, and grabs his hand with both hands, her eyes looking into his just slightly less deeply than Claire did; her lips parted and teeth showing in her smile. Once the handshake is completed, a single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face. "in my many years on this planet, i have never experienced a handshake as friendly as that; vampires win" Emelyn runs over and places the gold medal on Gwendolyn's chest and raises her arm to the sky. "I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY SOMEONE BROKE NOSFERATU'S FRIENDSHIP RECORD BOB" "INDEED; THE TWO-HANDED TECHNIQUE IS RISKY, BUT MISS GWENDOLYN PULLED IT OFF LIKE NONE EVER HAVE BEFORE" "THIS IS ONE FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; NOW DOWN TO KATHY WITH OUR LOSER" "thanks steve + bob; claire how does it feel to lose" "pretty bad, but if you're going to lose you want to lose to the best there ever was, right?" "right; back to you bob + steve" "THANK YOU KATHY; AND SO WE CONCLUDE OUR COVERAGE OF THE 2017 VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES" "FOR BOB AND KATHY, I'M STEVE; SO LONG AND GOOD NIGHT" Michelle rakes in her winnings after betting it all on the vampires. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Vampires 2017 Champions t-shirt/Claire Who is a Ghost missions/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 036: Stamp of Approval [Piper]
Jakey knocks on the door to Piper's house, wondering why she called him. While how she got his number was pretty easy to figure out, this new enigma was not. Soon, the door is opened and Piper greets Jakey with a smothering hug. Jakey doesn't mind, however. "oh thank you for coming jakey i've got a... problem that i could really use your help with" Piper leads Jakey into the house and the two sit down in the living room. "i've been trying myself for who knows how long, but i guess i have no choice but to ask a big, strong man like yourself for help with my... stamp collection" Piper pulls out a large album, and opens it to show Jakey her stamp collection. "you see, i've got the 1874-1877 and 1879-1894 justice series of stamps, but my collection is incomplete without the 1878 stamp; now there is this man who also collects stamps who has two!!! TWO!!! i've been trying to get one of them for years, but to no avail; i am at my wit's end!!! i've tried giving him milk and cookies, asking politely, and even trying to trade one of my own duplicates, but he won't budge!!! even when i wore that boob window turtleneck sweater, all he did was bleed from the nose!!!" Right on cue, Jakey also begins to bleed from the nose. "o-oh dear" As he begins to speak, Jakey can taste his own blood. The diamonds make the blood taste slightly sweet. "NOT TO WORRY MISS PIPER; I WILL GET FOR YOU THAT STAMP" "oh thank you so much; i will bake my famous chocolate chip cookies for your return!!! (and maybe also wear the aforementioned sweater)" No matter how many times the power of the diamonds heals the rupture in Jakey's nose, it continues to bleed with passion and intensity unrivaled. In order to receive the visual and oral stimulation of the boobs and the cookies, Jakey sprints to The Motherfucker, and drives to the address Piper had written down as quickly as he can. Jakey doesn't waste time knocking on the door, and just plows it over, breaking it off of its hinges. "jakey what the fuck-" "STAMP" Deputy Orange's gaze turns downward, and he sighs. "piper sent you didn't she" "STAMP" "i'll take that as a yes; i wanted to give the duplicate to her but every time i saw her and those nipples of hers i froze and couldn't even move to do so" Jakey's mind finally processes something other than boobs and cookies, and he shakes off his trance. "uh listen dude; grab the stamp and come over and we will look at boobs and eat cookies together" "that sounds like the single greatest experience a man can have" "I KNOW RIGHT" Deputy Orange quickly scribbles a note to Piper, as he knows he will not be able to speak coherently when he is in the presence of such ample busom. Deputy Orange puts it in a manilla folder with the stamp in question, and he and Jakey hop into The Motherfucker and speed back to Piper's house. Jakey barely manages to stop the vehicle before crashing into Piper's house, but he doesn't notice. He and Deputy Orange hop out of The Motherfucker and run to the door, where Piper is already waiting with sweater on and the flesh of the breasts exposed. "oh you've both come!!!" Deputy Orange slowly raises his arm, and Piper takes the folder away. "oh!!! it's the stamp!!! and a note!!!" Piper reads the note, and gives Deputy Orange a gigantic hug, then Jakey. "come in come in!!! i made enough cookies for everyone!!!" While Piper fits the stamp into its proper place in her collection, Jakey, Deputy Orange, and Michelle feast on cookies and milk and stare at Piper's breasts. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 037: Nationwide Manhunt [Piper]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE" Piper begins to cry into Jakey's chest, her breasts rubbing against his stomach, and his massive erection poking her in her stomach. "SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY STAMP COLLECTION" "A DESPICABLE CRIME" Jakey's nervousness is finally overcome by his anger and rage at such a terrible crime. His arousal, however, is not swayed. "please lead me to the crime scene" Piper takes Jakey by the hand and leads him to the living room, where a window is broken and a family photo is thrown to the ground. The wall next to the wallsafe is scratched, and the door to the safe has been thrown across the room. The stamp collection that typically rests on the top shelf of the safe is missing, and only Piper's mother's ruby necklace remains. "so since the necklace is still here, we know this was a targetted theft; they knew exactly what they wanted and where to get it" "but until right now i'd never told anyone about where i keep my stamp collection; not even my daughter" "hmm i'll have to dust the safe door for prints" Jakey does just as he says, and Piper begins to shake uncontrollably. "b-but these are MY fingerprints!!!" "uh yeah um it's your safe; of course your fingerprints are on it" "oh right" "so uh unfortunately, the criminal was wearing gloves" "isn't that ALWAYS the case though?! i watch all these crime shows like al noire and alpd azure and the criminal ALWAYS wears gloves!!! you should just make that shit illegal right now!!!" "i'll uh bring it up next time i see king bran" "see that you do!!!" "so my next plan is to follow these dark footprints leading away from the safe to wherever they may lead" "it's worth a shot i suppose" Jakey and Piper follow the footprints out of the house and into the woods, and they eventually lead to a cabin. "A Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Now That I Have The Stamp Collection I Can Use The Proceeds Acquired From Selling It To Finance Our Plans For World Domination (Or Whatever Our Goals Actually Are)" "oh no you don't" Jakey fires a round straight into Robert Truckdriver 982's head, killing him instantly. "criminal scum like you deserves no mercy" Jakey grabs the stamp collection and hands it to Piper, who sheds a single tear and gives her stamp collection a big hug. "i thought i'd lost you forever!!!" Michelle runs her mug along the bars of the cage she'd been put into. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gloves t-shirt/vague relationship with Piper]

Mission 038: All Work and No Play Makes Ivan a Dull Boy [Comrade Ivan]
"comrade jakey, is horrible; play is being sabotaged; lead actress is dead" "WHAT" "sorry my english not so good; dead may be wrong word" "I'D HOPE SO" Comrade Ivan leads Jakey to Rachel's dressing room, where she lay on her bed, moaning next to a pile of used tissues. "r-rachel are you okay" "help" "she is catching terrible disease not native russian; comrade ivan think disease was being introduced by rival theatre troupe" "is there a cure?" "comrade ivan sure that rival troupe be having cure in casing of accidental exposing" "right; do you know who did this" "most likely robert truckdriver troupe; cast member say hearing robert truckdriverian accent laughing to self" "why do i ever expect otherwise" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads down to the site of the Robert Truckdriver Troupe's latest play. "Romeo Romeo Wherefore Art Thou Romeo" "Right Here Open Your Eyes Goddamn" "Oh Hello" "Hello" While the play goes on, Jakey stealthily sneaks his way into the back room. Jakey ducks past several staff members and out-of-scene actors, and makes his way to the supply closet, where he finds a big bottle labeled 'Cure For The Disease That We Infected The Comrade Ivan Troupe's Lead Actress With (Do Not Steal)'. "okay so now all i have to do is figure out whether the robert truckdriver troupe is really, really stupid, or if they are trying to trick me" Jakey thinks back to all the times he has encountered Robert Truckdriver clones in the past, and determines that they are just really, really stupid. Jakey takes the cure, and heads back to The Motherfucker, knocking over all the lighting on his way and catching the stage on fire. "Oh God It Burns" "Help I'm On Fire" "Aaaaaaaaaaaa" Jakey finally makes it back to Rachel's room, and he pours her a spoonful of cure. "open up here comes the life-saving medicine" Rachel opens her mouth wide, and Jakey thrusts the spoon in. "blech that was the most terrible thing i've ever tasted" "but you feel better right" "everything except my tastebuds" "all right; i'll just leave this bottle of cure here with you in case you get sabotaged again" "joy" "OH BOY CURE FOR THE DISEASE THAT WE INFECTED THE COMRADE IVAN TROUPE'S LEAD ACTRESS WITH; MY FAVOURITE" Michelle downs the whole bottle of cure. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Comrade Ivan Troupe t-shirt]

Mission 039: Work Hard, Play Hard [Comrade Ivan]
"comrade jakey, costumes from costumez Я us not having come; cannot having play with no costumes" "i'll go see what's up" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to Costumez Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Bubble Yum chewing gum. "shopkeepour comrade ivan needs his costumes for the play" "but i sent them all out in a big truck yesterday; they should have them by now" Jakey sighs. "why is it never just 'oh i forgot; i'll do that right away'" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and follows the truck's route to find a familiar woman's truck being held up by familiar Robert Truckdriver clones. "Give Us The Keys To The Truck" "NEVER" "Come On Please; We Don't Know How To Hotwire A Vehicle" "come on you're embarrassing yourselves at this point; put the guns down" Jakey grabs the barrels of the guns and flicks his wrists, sending the Robert Truckdriver clones flying into a wall. "that wasn't what i had in mind, but it will do" Jakey turns to address the truckdriver, but she's already in her truck and driving off. "THANKS" "FUCK EVERY GODDAMN TIME" Jakey hucks the two guns into a lake, where some ducks grab them and begin terrorising the swans. Michelle, who was feeding the ducks, gets angry because they have stopped taking bread from her in favour of shooting swans. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/duck t-shirt]

Mission 040: The Big Play [Comrade Ivan]
"comrade jakey today is day of big play; come and watch as players act out macbeth" "wait i thought you said rachel was the star of the play; macbeth was a dude" "what; beth is girl's name" "yeah that shakespearre guy was kind of nuts" "oh no this no good; i was thinking it weird when macbeth and 'lady macbeth' talk to other" "so uh-" "having no choice; comrade jakey must become lady macbeth; will rename to gentleman macbeth" Comrade Ivan passes Jakey a script to memorise within half an hour. Luckily, the powers of The Artefact allow him to do just such a thing, but at a horrible price. $10 must be consumed and fed to The Artefact. Soon, Jakey gets his outfit ready and takes his position. Eventually, the big scene comes up; the scene that will make or break Rachel's career. "hark husband of mine; i am back from a long day of adventuring" "oh ms. macbeth what's up; you must be thirsty; can i interest you in a nice cold refreshing pepsi cola" "yes, that would be very, very, very, uh, good" "right away" Jakey rushes backstage, and returns with an ice-cold can of Pepsi. "thank you gentleman macbeth" Rachel drinks down the entire can of Pepsi without coming up for air. "i am completely refreshed and also ready to NOT die tragically" "and the pepsi cola has also removed the bloodstain from my hand" "welp see you later g. macbeth" "i'll have dinner ready" Jakey leaves the scene, and the play concludes with Ms. MacBeth triumphing over MacDuff and living happily ever after with Gentleman MacBeth. The audience claps and throws roses onto the stage, and Rachel manages to dive backstage before being assaulted by the thorns. "hey yo rachel my name is film directour; i loved the performance how'd you like to star in a film adaptation opposite tom cruise" Rachel freezes in place (apart from a light shaking), unable to respond. Single tears of joy stream down her cheek. "uh she'd love to; the shaking and tears are because she's happy/excited" "great!!! here's my card" Film Directour hands Jakey his card and walks off as Rachel falls over, single tears falling onto the floor, and her face displaying the biggest smile she's had in years, possibly ever. Jakey grabs Rachel, drapes her over his shoulder, and carries her to her dressing room so she doesn't get stepped on. Jakey gently places her on the bed, and turns around to see Michelle holding her roses for her exemplary performance as Soldier #5. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/MacBeth t-shirt/Rachel missions]

Mission 041: Build a Wall [Construction Candice]
"jakey there is a rival construction firm and that is absolutely unacceptable; how dare those dirty fucking mexicans take jobs away from hard-working alabamanians" "yeah!!! maybe if they'd WASH THEIR GODDAMN HANDS it would be less of an outrage" "well it's time to take measures into our own hands AND BUILD A WALL" "YES" "i have already got the necessary materials in the necessary place; it is time to BUILD" "YES" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and make their way over to the Alabama-Mexican bridge. "THIS GREAT WALL WILL SEPARATE OUR GREAT NATION FROM THEIR SHITTY ONE AND ITS SHITTY PEOPLE" "but wait isn't the country's main crop mexican jumping beans; how will we ever stop them from simply leaping the wall" "oh jakey; poor simple jakey; of course i accounted for that; the wall is outfitted with the latest ANTI-JUMPING TECHNOLOGY" "how does that work" "if the wall detects anyone on the bridge jumping or attempting to go directly over the wall, the laser defense turret will activate and vapourise them (it also assists with suicide attempts!!!)" "sweet" "now let us build!!!" Jakey and Candice begin setting down the mighty bricks of their great wall. The wall spans the width of the bridge, and is outfitted with lasers and barbed wire. No Mexicans can now enter the great nation of Alabama without heading north through Hell itself, or swimming and getting eaten by sharks. "the deed is done" "indeed" Michelle walks up to the wall and gives it a big hug in fond gratitude of all the good it is about to do the country. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Build a Wall t-shirt]

Mission 042: Collared Greens [Construction Candice]
"jakey the ongoing war between the blue-collars and the white-collars is getting really intense" "i wasn't aware there was a war" "WHAT it's all over the news!!!" "which news" "the blue collar times; the only news that's fit to read" "uh i get all my news from the new kathy times" "OF COURSE you're on the side of the white-collars why did i expect any different" Jakey begins to sweat profusely, as he has no idea what Candice could even be talking about. "or maybe i'm trying to discover their weaknesses by learning to think like them" "... !!!" Candice's face lights up. "OF COURSE; THAT IS A GREAT IDEA KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK" Jakey wipes a gallon of sweat off his brow, drenching Michelle, who is standing right next to him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Blue Collar Times t-shirt]

Mission 043: Driven to Tears [Sting]
"jakey i have gotten tickets to the tears for fears show so while andy summers, stewart copeland, and i drive over there, you are in charge of the law until we get back" "YOU WON'T REGRET THIS COACH" Jakey salutes Sting until his car has left the premises. Jakey then looks back and forth to make sure the coast is clear, "ehehehehehehehehehehehehehahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Jakey rushes into the safe room where the Big Book O' Laws is kept. "finally, it is now my chance to change the course of world history FOREVER; for i am now alone with the-" Jakey stops dead in his tracks when he notices that the Big Book O' Laws is missing from its podium. "FUCK I HAD ONE JOB AND I ALREADY FUCKED IT UP" Jakey begins running around the room aimlessly, hoping he'll bumble into some sort of clue. He eventually runs straight into a wall and falls to the floor. While on his back, he notices the air vent cover is missing. Jakey quickly scrambles to climb up a bookcase, but it falls on top of him, trapping him underneath hundreds of books. "help" Michelle enters the room. "jakey what in the world happened" "SOMEONE'S STOLEN THE BIG BOOK O' LAWS" "what no; i just borrowed it to read while in the waiting room at the dentist" Michelle shows Jakey The Big Book O' Laws. "oh god thank you" With his panic rendered pointless, Jakey is able to lift up the bookcase off of himself. "oh hey check out this law; it says it is legally required for jakey - that's you - to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Tears for Fears t-shirt]

Mission 044: Badge of Honour [Jakey Scouts]
"okay scouts we're honestly running out of merit badges to acquire so i've decided today we will be going for the 'successful mugging' merit badge" "Oh Boy" "Good Job I Brought My Own Mug" Robert Truckdriver 435 pulls out a pristine white mug. "okay, first thing: what do you even think mugging means" "You Know, Pouring Things Into Mugs" "Then Drinking From Said Mugs" "you know you're right; let's do that" Jakey has all of the scouts pour themselves a mug of milk and drink it straight down. Michelle, however, has other plans, and fills her mug with whiskey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mug t-shirt]

Mission 045: If You've Got Trouble, Then You've Got Less Trouble Than Me [Julia]
"jakey this is kind of embarrassing, but i uh have run out of pan flutes" "what do you mean by 'run out'" "well after each show i smash my pan flute (rock and roll you know) and i've smashed all of them" Julia gestures toward a large pile of destroyed pan flutes. "so is this a 'call a pan flute repairman' situation or a 'buy more pan flutes' situation" "i honestly envision this project as becoming a huge success and requiring a large world tour so both" "on it" Jakey inspects the pile of pan flutes, and determines that no average pan flute repairman from the yellow pages would be up to this herculean task. Maybe Hercules himself, but he and Jakey aren't on the best of terms after the incident. No, Jakey knows whose help he needs, so he pulls out his phone and dials her number. "the great cheryl i need your help (magical help)" "oh you caught me at just the right time jeremiah; i will be right there" Before Jakey can even blink, The Great Cheryl is right next to him. "that is a lot of pan flutes" "i've only ever seen more broken pan flutes in one place once" "wait really when" "i don't like to talk about it" "so i assume you'd like them fixed?" "and cloned, if possible" "oh boy counterfeiting is my favourite pastime" The Great Cheryl waves her wand around, repairing and duplicating the pan flutes. "wow the power of magic is amazing" "well uh to be honest the duplication isn't really magic; it's just taking advantage of the glitch" "wait what" "nevermind forget i said anything and definitely don't go to http://www.glitchbitch.org/ (it's horribly laid-out and half in chinese and my computer has like fifty viruses now; also i'm pretty sure wanton duplication will tank the economy)" "not the economy!!!" Michelle walks up to Jakey and duplicates a soft pretzel, then hands Jakey the second one. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pan flute t-shirt/the economy t-shirt/pretzel t-shirt/pretzel jacket/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 046: Emergence of an Emergency [Julia]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE WE CAN'T RECORD THE MUSIC!!!" "WHAT why not" "THE SNACK TRAY IS OUT OF TEDDY GRAHAMS; I CAN'T RECORD MUSIC WITHOUT TEDDY GRAHAMS!!!" "what kind do you need" "CHOCOLATEY CHIP OF COURSE!!! AND NONE OF THAT PREOWNED SHIT; I NEED MY TEDDY GRAHAMS IN MINT CONDITION" "on it" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and puts the pedal to the metal to get to Motherfucker Teddy Grahams, where a huge sign is posted that says "under new management". Jakey walks in, and finds Kathy with her feet up on the counter, reading the latest issue of KathyBeat. "uh hey i'd like to order some chocolatey chip teddy grahams please" "what size container" "uh 'fuckload' sounds about right" Kathy rings the gold bell, ignoring the silver, bronze, and copper bells, and a small hunchbacked man runs out of a large doggy door, scoops out enough chocolatey chip Teddy Grahams to fill a 'fuckload'-sized container, places it on the counter, and quickly runs back into the door he came out of. "wha-" "19.95$" "but-" "19.95$" Jakey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a twenty, which Kathy snatches from his hand. "what about-" "the tip" "but-" "thank you come again" Jakey opens his mouth to protest, but decides to pick his battles, and leaves for the recording studio. "OH THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE" Julia shoves Jakey over, yanking the container of Teddy Grahams from his hands, and devours the entire container. "hey where are my dunkaroos" "oh oops jakey i forgot drummour wanted some dunkaroos" Jakey does not hear any of this as he lays on his back, noting the strange pattern on the ceiling. Maybe he has a concussion, but he can swear that it looks exactly like Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Teddy Grahams t-shirt/Dunkaroos t-shirt]

Mission 047: Conviction of the Heart [Kenny Loggins]
"so uh jakey this is kind of embarrassing but whenever i record, i always have on me something special; i left it on my yacht in the harbour; could you go get it for me" "yessir" "great, here's the key; the special thing is in a white package held together with twine on a table" "got it" Jakey takes the key to the yacht from Kenny Loggins, and hops into The Motherfucker, driving for the harbour. "wow that is one big yacht" "GAH" A loud crash is heard, then a faint splashing noise. "O-OH NO" "SHIT WHAT DID I DO" "j-jakey i-it's not your fault; i-i-i just startle s-so easily" "what happened though what was that splash" "i-i-i dropped my autograph book i-into the water" "oh no all those memories and-" "th-there actually weren't any a-autographs in it yet" "... oh, that's a relief" "st-still kind of s-sad about it though; n-now how will i get kenny l-loggins's autograph" "well actually i'm on an errand for him right now; let me get what i came to get, then we'll get you a new autograph book and go back" "r-really?!" Jakey nods, then boards the yacht. Valerie hesitates, but follows Jakey inside. "ah here we go" "wh-what's in the package" Jakey shrugs, then locks everything up tight, then he and Valerie hop into The Motherfucker, and head to Staples to grab a new autograph book, paying Kathy an outrageous $22.50, as it is a '50% on' sale. The two then head back to the recording studio, where Kenny Loggins is waiting. "i got your package mr. loggins" "oh cool; who's this" "h-h-h-hi m-mr. l-loggins i-i-i-i'm a h-huge fan; c-can i-i-i h-have your au-autograph" "sure thing" Valerie holds out her autograph book with shaking hands, and Kenny Loggins signs the book and hands it back. "th-th-thank you s-so much!!!" "you're very welcome; now please excuse me" Kenny Loggins heads to his dressing room to put on the Batman Underoos Jakey had gotten for him. Once he is safely out of eyeshot, Valerie begins to faint. Jakey catches her before she hits the ground, avoiding a potentially nasty concussion. Jakey carries her out to The Motherfucker, where Michelle is waiting, wearing Harley Quinn Underoos. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kenny Loggins jacket/Valerie missions]

Mission 048: If It's Not What You're Looking For [Kenny Loggins]
"okay so we've laid down all the basic instruments and vocals but this track needs one more thing to really 'pop'" "all right what is it" "the cry of a christmas island frigatebird" "... never heard of it" "well probably because they're endangered" "then how will i even get one" Kenny Loggins shrugs. "good luck though" Jakey sighs, and hops into The Motherfucker, blasting off for Christmas Island. Jakey lands The Motherfucker on Santa's private helipad, and is greeted by an annoyed Yuko. "jakey what the fuck / this is santa's private home / you cannot land here" "i'll be gone in a minute; i just need an endangered bird of some kind, and besides, what are you doing here on santa's private vacation home" "watching it for him / he chose me to do this task / you will have to leave" "i will just give me a few minutes" Yuko glares at Jakey, and stomps past him to place a ticket on The Motherfucker. Unfortunately, The Motherfucker sees this as an attack, and launches her into the surrounding forest. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK / THIS ISN'T SATISFACTORY / THIS WON'T DO AT ALL" "well that takes care of that" Jakey dusts off his hands indefinitely, and wanders off into the forest. "birds birds looking for birds" Jakey pulls out his phone and orders a crate of Christmas Island frigatebird bait from Bird Baitz Я Us, which drops right in front of him with a parachute. "candy canes?" Suddenly, the box is swarmed by huge birds. "SHIT" Jakey dives out of the way and waits for all the birds to be distracted by the bait. Jakey then sneaks up behind the mass of birds and slams a cage around one. "all right now to get out of here before yuko gets back" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and blasts off back to the recording studio, where he hands the bird to Kenny Loggins. "yesssss this will do nicely; much better than the other one i found" Michelle walks out of the recording room wearing a Christmas Island frigatebird costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Christmas Island frigatebird jacket]

Mission 049: Cries of Crisis [Sophia]
"hey sophie how are you holding up" "oh hello i am having an existential crisis" "oh cool; what about" "my purpose in life; i keep getting contracts i can't fulfill against immortal beings or god's favourite children" "well that's not your fault" "yeah but what is my fault is how this latest contract makes me feel gulty and sick to my stomach every time i think of it" "oh wow is that your conscience i see" "GAH" Sophia frantically covers her crotch. "uh that's not what i meant" "oh phew; i can never keep track of all the slang terms for vagina these days" "so who is the new contract on" "harvey kinkle" "OH NO NOT HARVEY" Jakey begins to board up Sophia's door to prevent her from leaving. "i... don't think i'm going to do this one" "DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE-wait you're not?" "i-i just can't; not after everything harvey has done for us all" "phew that is a relief" Jakey begins taking down the boards he'd put up. "but if i decline the contract, my boss will just send someone else" "well this may be obvious, but if someone wants to kill off harvey, they must be the villain of the story" "wh-what does that make me" "the misguided antagonist who turns to good after realising she's been on the wrong side, helping the hero (that's me) to defeat the villain at the end" "yes that sounds great; i-i think i'd like that" "all right; tell me who your boss is" "i... don't know" "you don't know his name?" "no" "race?" "probably caucasian?" "age?" "definitely an adult" "but he's a man right?" "yes, probably" "PROBABLY?!" "I ALWAYS GET THE CONTRACTS VIA FAX OR PHONE CALL WITH A DISTORTED VOICE; I'VE NEVER MET THE GUY (or possibly girl)" "how did you even get recruited then?!" "a guy came and gave me candy and said his boss would be in touch" "... you became an assassin for candy" "no, the candy was added bonus; i actually did it because i always felt like an outcast, the other kids made fun of me, etc. etc." "oh, angst" "i had a lot of that after my parents died" "woah back up; when did that happen" "when i was a baby; mother during childbirth, father in a horrific car accident" "you... were an angsty baby?" "well angsty toddler" "so wait what did the other kids even make fun of you about; they were orphans too" "i was born with heterochromia; you can't tell now of course since the accident" "oof; the outcast in a group of orphans" "it wasn't all bad; the orphanage caretakers gave me extra desserts, which now that i think about it probably caused them to hate me more" "so have you killed any of them yet or-?" "i was waiting for a contract on them but it never came; now that i'm a freelance assassin though i may have to take matters into my own hands; make them pay for what they did; you know" "oh i have much experience in that department; no one fucked with me again after what happened to kevin" "who?" "exactly" Michelle finishes re-boarding up the door. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Harvey Kinkle missions]