One of Those Things (2017)

Mission 050: Beheaded in the Right Direction [King Bran]
"yo k.b. you look down what's up" "i'm just wondering whether or not i'm a good king" "what you're totally a-" "but i haven't beheaded anyone yet!!! what kind of king doesn't behead people!!!" "oh yeah that is an important part of kingsmanship; my father even beheaded me once" "hey there's an idea; since you're actually unable to die, i should just behead you over and over to pad my stats" "uh i don't think that's such a good idea" "i agree; it's a GREAT idea" King Bran's guards take Jakey away and strap him into the guillotine. "all right; time to become the beheadingest king in the history of the world; don't worry, i will make sure you receive a mention in my guinness book of world records entry" King Bran rubs his hands together, then beheads Jakey one-thousand consecutive times, in the process becoming the Peyton Manning of kings (pointless stat-padding champion). "all right you can leave now" "what sorry i'd fallen asleep there for a moment" Jakey is released from the guillotine, and Michelle is strapped in behind him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/guillotine t-shirt]

Mission 051: Long Live the King [King Bran]
"jakey i feel like i'm out of touch with my ghostly citizens; in order to understand them better, i believe i must become a ghost myself" "well uh to become a ghost, you need to leave behind unfinished business when you die" "oh don't worry about that; i left today's crossword unfinished" "sweet; let's get this shit started" "wait there is a cure for being a ghost right" "i'm sure we can bullshit one together" "sweet" Jakey pulls out a revolver. "if we're going to do this, we might as well have fun with it" "oh shit yeah" Jakey loads one round into the cylinder and spins the thing around. "i'll go first" "by all means" Jakey holds the gun up to his head and pulls the trigger, hearing a satisfying click. He then hands the gun to King Bran, who does the same, with the same results. Jakey takes his turn, which is equally uneventful. King Bran takes the gun for a second time, repeating the same process, except this time, his brains are splattered all over the wall. "so THAT'S what it looks like" "did it work" "allow me a test" Jakey winds up and delivers a vicious haymaker into King Bran's ghostly head, but he naturally can't hit King Bran, so he continues travelling forward, falling onto the floor. "SWEET" "you know we should move the body so no one thinks this is a permanent thing" "well i'd help but" King Bran's ghostly fingers slip through his own body. "fine; you go do your thing and i'll catch up" "sweet" King Bran floats off while Jakey carries King Bran to his bedroom, just in time to miss Emelyn. "oh for fuck's sake who keeps leaving their brains on the carpet!!!" Emelyn begins to sweep up the brains, unaware of their origin. "i don't get paid enough for this shit" Jakey flops King Bran's body into his bed, covering him up with his special kingly blankets. Suddenly, King Bran floats through the wall at supersonic speeds. "JAKEY WE'VE GOT TO GET ME ALIVE AGAIN; THE GHOSTS ARE ASKING FOR TAX CUTS" "OH NO" King Bran flies into his body, but nothing happens. "come on come on COME ON" Jakey searches through King Bran's drawers, and pulls out some smelling salts. "YES THAT WILL DO" Jakey waves the salts under King Bran's nose, and his spirit and body are reunited. Jakey quickly bleeds into King Bran's head wound, healing it up, and now everything is as good as new. "let's not do that again" "i had fun" Michelle holds a revolver to her own head and pulls the trigger, hearing a satisfying clicking noise. She then passes the revolver to Jakey, who quickly notices that the other five chambers have bullets in them. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Russian Roulette t-shirt]

Mission 052: Dust in the Wind [Emelyn]
"ARGH i am so SICK of all this DUST; HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING IN HERE; I DUST EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK AND STILL THERE'S MORE AND MORE DUST; IS SOMEONE PRANKING ME RIGHT NOW, BRINGING IN DUST AND SPREADING IT ALL OVER THE CASTLE?!" "if so they're pranking me as well, except i don't actually dust my house so you're kind of always waist-deep in dust" "this is BULLSHIT; think of how much i could be INNOVATING the maidery process and better serving my lord if i didn't have to spend all day DUSTING" "yeah life's a pile of shit but what are you going to do" "i am going to write god an angry letter" "better than my idea of either ignoring it or yelling at it" Emelyn takes out a piece of her personal letterhead and begins writing. "dear god; hello my name is emelyn olivia stockhardt; i am the personal maid of his majesty, the king bran of alabama; i am writing you because, despite how great most of the world is, one area of it could stand to be improved; if you could please smite whomever keeps spreading dust all over the castle every day, i and countless others would be very grateful; thank you for your time, e.o.s." "tell him i said hi!!!" "p.s. jakey says hi" Emelyn seals up her letter in an envelope and places it into the mailbox, where it is immediately snatched by the post lady. "i have never delivered a letter to heaven before, but THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH" The post lady heads to Ladderz Я Us to get a ladder tall enough to reach the Lord's kingdom of Heaven. "do you think she'll make it" "if anyone can" Michelle opens her laptop to find that God has replied to her email. "hey jakey god says you should take me home"
[reward: respect +/ladder jacket]

Mission 053: Special Delivery [Emelyn]
"jakey i'm getting worried; the mail hasn't gone through for the past few days now" "what that's impossible; the post lady is always saying that it must always go through" "i'm afraid something's happened to her" "well let's go; i'm sure if we drive around aimlessly, we'll find her soon enough" "sounds like a plan" Jakey and Emelyn hop into The Motherfucker, and eventually find the post lady duct taping ladders together. Heavy bags have appeared under her eyes, and her stomach sounds like it's trying to eat itself. "what's going on" "THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH" "o-oh dear" The post lady sets up the ladders against the tallest building, and begins to frantically climb. "this is terrible; she can't get to heaven so she's gone insane" "yeah even more than usual" "we need to snap her out of this" "yeah i'm going to miss the latest issue of kathy magazine, which is set to contain an interview with the widow of 'IRON JEFF' mahogany taking about how getting run over and killed was great for her modelling career" "OH I JUST REMEMBERED i forgot to put a stamp on the envelope" "..." "..." The post lady climbs down the ladder and hands Emelyn her letter back. "be more careful next time" The post lady hops back into her mail truck and resumes her regular deliveries, double-time. "wow i was expecting her to deck you right here in the street" "somehow the look of disappointment in her eyes hurt even more" "oh shit something fell out of the mail truck!!!" Jakey rushes over to find a box addressed to him. "o-oh wow" Jakey carefully opens the box, and inside is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mail jacket]

Mission 054: I Can Dream About You [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jesus claire you look awful; what happened" "i haven't been getting much sleep" "i wasn't even aware ghosts needed sleep" "at first i thought i was just doing it out of habit, but we actually do" "so what's wrong" "i keep having this nightmare; i'm just minding my own business doing the day-to-day, then out of nowhere i turn blue and i am being chased by this giant pac-creature; eventually the entire pac-family corners me in an alley and i cower in fear and they get closer and closer and their killer jaws descend upon me then i wake up covered in ectoplasm" "you get off to that?" "NOT THAT KIND OF ECTOPLASM!!! the kind that excretes from my pores when i'm nervous, scared, or hot (temperature-wise)!!!" "ohhhhhhhhhhh" All of a sudden, Claire turns blue. "OH NO" Claire looks around desperately for a Pac-Creature, but only sees Michelle advancing toward her with a knife and fork. "JAKEY HELP YOUR SISTER IS TRYING TO EAT ME" "that's not michelle" "what" Jakey grabs Michelle's face and yanks upward, revealing a spooky skeleton. "... oops" Jakey places Michelle's face back on and bleeds on it, reattaching her face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/spooky skeleton jacket/Pac-Creature jacket/Pac-Creature t-shirt]

Mission 055: If I Can't Hold You Tonight [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"still haven't gotten any sleep, i see" "it's terrible jakey how can i stop these nightmares they're driving me insane" Claire begins to cry, and Jakey goes in for the comforting hug, but his arms pass straight through her awkwardly. "i get what you were trying to do and i appreciate it" "i'm so embarrassed" "it's not the first time and it won't be the last" "ANYWAY i think i've figured it out; the best thing to do in this situation" "oh man" "wait here" Jakey runs into Costumez Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter chewing a fresh stick of Dentine Fire chewing gum. The two come to a deal, and Jakey exits the shop wearing a Pac-Man costume. Claire immediately runs away screaming. "claire CLAIRE" "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME" "IT'S ME JAKEY" Claire stops and looks into Pac-Man's mouth, seeing Jakey's head. "WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING; YOU KNOW PAC-MEN ARE THE NATURAL PREDATORS OF GHOSTS" "this is how you do it claire; face your fear" "i-i'm facing it" "come on; attack me" "jakey i am a ghost i cannot physically harm you" "oh right" Claire begins to shake on the spot. "j-jakey" "i know i should have thought this through better" "j-j-j-j-jakey b-behind you" "wha-" Jakey turns around and comes face-to-face with a Ms. Pac-Man. "... uh hello" The Ms. Pac-Man gets closer and closer to Jakey as he trembles on the spot before planting a gigantic kiss on his costume's face. "AUGH HELP HELP I'M TRAPPED" "J-JAKEY NO NONONONONONONO" Claire runs away screaming, but upon hearing Jakey's cries for help, has a gigantic pang of guilt. She doubles back, circling around to attack the Ms. Pac-Man from behind. Before she can even let out a battle cry, the Ms. Pac-Man melts into nothing, sending Claire crashing into the ground. "ow my nose" "CLAIRE YOU SAVED ME; YOU FACED YOUR FEAR" "i-i-i did?!" "yeah!!!" "... ohhhhhh riiiiight i don't have to be afraid of pac-creatures if i'm not blue (da ba dee da ba die)" "see; now maybe you can get to sleep" "excited" Claire immediately collapses into a deep sleep with a smile on her face. Jakey then decides to burn his Pac-Man costume, but forgets to take it off first. "AH SHIT I'M ON FIRE HELP" Michelle hoses Jakey down with a fire hose, sending him flying. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pac-Man jacket]

Mission 056: Sheriffing is Cariffing [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey last night i went to bed all normal-like but when i woke up there were SEMEN STAINS ALL OVER THE BED THAT WEREN'T THERE BEFORE; i sent a sample of the semen to forensics and it came back as MY OWN SEMEN" "sleep-jerking is an epidemic these days" Jakey holds up a copy of the Alabama Enquirer with a cover story detailing this exact issue. "i am sure that isn't it" "but the alabama enquirer says-" "THE ALABAMA ENQUIRER IS NOT A TRUSTWORTHY NEWS SOURCE; IF YOU AREN'T GETTING YOUR NEWS FROM A KATHY PUBLICATION, YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE REAL NEWS" "s-sorry" "now the two of us must get to the BOTTOM of this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling, landing on top of Jakey. "IT WAS YOU" "wha-what" Sheriff Antony quickly takes Erin's fingerprints, which match up perfectly with the prints found on Sheriff Antony's penis. "I'VE CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED YOU SLIPPERY BITCH" "ALL RIGHT i admit it; i wanted to help solve the mystery of the phantom ejaculation but since you seem to have done it on your own, i'm out" "oh no you're not" Sheriff Antony slaps handcuffs onto Erin, who immediately winks as she disappears into nothing. "GODDAMMIT; BEGIN A NATIONWIDE MANHUNT FOR THE MYSTERY LADY" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling straight onto Sheriff Antony, then runs off. "ONE COUNT OF PHANTOM EJACULATION, ONE COUNT OF RESISTING ARREST, ONE COUNT OF ASSAULT" "i'll get to it when i get to it" Kathy hangs up on Sheriff Antony. "now all we have to do is wait" Sheriff Antony begins to wait, and Jakey slowly exits the house. However, Jakey accidentally opens the door to the basement and falls down the stairs onto Michelle, who is folding laundry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Erin's fingerprints jacket]

Mission 057: The Brave Little Swimmer [Sheriff Antony]
"twelve a.m.; breakfast; the most important meal of the day, as they say; but as i pour my favourite breakfast cereal, holland oats, i dread the moment i have to pour the creamy white milk, for it always reminds me of the night i awoke to find another creamy white substance on my sheets; pulled from my own body before its time had come; those brave swimmers thought they'd be battling for vaginal supremacy, but instead they died cold and afraid on my sheets; do they hate me? would one of those brave swimmers have become the man that discovers the cure for cancer? these thoughts haunt me every day; though i was not responsible for their demise, i still feel as though i was, for they were safe in my care; i let my guard down, and they all died; i haven't slept since that fateful night, always on guard in case another wishes to kill my unborn children; i have created graves in a plot in my backyard for those that were lost in that terrible tragedy, giving each and every one of them names after having a scientist determine whether they carried with them an X or a Y; rest in peace, henry, jebediah, jedediah, hank, phyllyp, sheriff antony jr., scooter brown, 'iron jeff', calvin, and my only daughter, emily, with her theoretical innocent smile, bright blue eyes, and beautiful flowing blonde hair; she would have made a fine woman, as all the sons would have made fine men; i hope one day i will meet them in heaven above, but first i must bring this terrible criminal to justice" Sheriff Antony pounds his fist on the table. "ow" Michelle runs in with an ice pack for Sheriff Antony to rest his hand on and dull the pain, after which she turns to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brave Swimmers t-shirt/funeral suit]

Mission 058: Stamp of Approval [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i have received a tip from miss piper about a counterfeiting ring making illegal duplicate stamps" "THE FUCKERS; HOW DARE THEY TRY TO RUIN THE INTEGRITY OF THE NOBLE ART OF STAMP COLLECTING" "so the plan is we two go in there GUNS BLAZING, no preamble, no 'A Ha Ha Ha You Fell Into My Trap' or whatever the fuck" "agreed" "let's get this shit started" "also agreed" Jakey and Deputy Orange load up The Motherfucker with guns and head down to the unassuming warehouse. Jakey crashes straight into the wall, and Deputy Orange rolls out and fills the right half of the room indiscriminately with lead. Jakey does the same for the left side, and eventually everyone inside the warehouse not wearing a badge is dead. Luckily, Michelle was wearing the sheriff badge she'd gotten out of her cereal box that morning. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 059: Rock and Roll All Night, Tea Party Every Day [Deputy Orange]
"so that last bust proved to me that we work a lot better when we don't get into philosophical arguments with our enemies and just shoot them a lot" "yes, true, but that would get awfully boring after a while" "i agree, so i have decided to make up for the lack of dumb arguments with a puppet show of what MIGHT have happened last bust if we had fucked around a bit" "oh boy" Jakey takes his seat as Deputy Orange gets his puppet show set up. "'all right jakey here's the plan: we go in there, we get a feel for the place, the villains, the motives, one of us gets hurt badly, the other takes all the other guys out' 'sounds like a plan'" The Jakey and Deputy Orange puppets walk into the warehouse. "'hey guys what's up' 'Oh You Are Just In Time For The Tea Party' 'oh boy'" Puppets Jakey, Deputy Orange, and Robert Truckdrivers 37, 48, 29, 67, and 982 sit down for a nice tea party. "'this is the best darjeeling i've ever tasted' 'and these crumpets? damn nigga' 'We Are Happy To Serve' 'so what's this about you guys conterfeiting stamps' 'Wait What' 'Who Would Do Such A Thing' 'Oh That Was Me; I Have A Press Hidden In The Basement'" Puppet Robert Truckdriver 37 shoots puppet Robert Truckdriver 982 point-blank in the face. "'I Believe That Absolves Us Of All Wrong-Doing' 'We Are Very Sorry For This Horrific Crime' 'think nothing of it'" Puppet Michelle takes a sip of her tea and rests her cup on puppet Robert Truckdriver 982's face. "'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Tea Party Puppet Pals t-shirt]

Mission 060: Romance of the Three Kingdoms [Rachel]
"so uh jakey they are rewriting the macbeth play to be a romantic comedy" "before i react, you should tell me how this makes you feel so that i don't react in the opposite manner" "conflicted; on one hand i, as a woman, love romantic comedies, but on the other, i was expecting to be the lead in an action movie" "has tom cruise even ever been in a romantic comedy?" "risky business you donut" "is that the one with the jet planes" "THAT'S TOP GUN" "oh then is that the one where tom cruise learns to love and care for his autistic brother he didn't know he had" "THAT'S RAIN MAN YOU-wait you're doing this on purpose aren't you" "maybe" "listen are you going to help us get this movie back on track or are you just going to crack jokes" "can't i do both?" Rachel glares at Jakey. "whatever; i've got a plan either way" Jakey tells Rachel the plan, then the two get into their positions, as Film Directour and Screenwritour are having a conversation. "film directing is an art screenwritour and I AM an artist" "I DON'T WANT TO BE A ROMAN-TIC COMEDY" "..." "..." "your criticism is noted, but immediately disregarded as foolish" "goddammit jakey you said this would work" "okay new plan: we bump into film directour as he rounds a corner and 'accidentally' drop our chocolate bar into HIS peanut butter!!!" "JAKEY WE CAN'T JUST REENTACT TELEVISION COMMERCIALS ALL DAY" "better ingredients, better pizza?" "no one out-pizzas the hut!!!" "can you hear me now?" "five; five dollar; five dollar footlooooong; any any any" "nobody better lay a finger on my butterfinger" "stay thirsty, my friends" Michelle bursts through the brick wall of the building. "OH YEAAAAAHHHHHHHH; here comes michelle here comes michelle you're gonna take me home"
[reward: respect +/t-shirts for: Yell.com, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Verizon, Subway, Butterfinger, Dos Equis, Kool-Aid]

Mission 061: Tied to the Tracks [Rachel]
"okay so i guess there's no budging on the whole 'romantic comedy' business but whatever; regardless of the genre, i need this movie to succeed to launch my career" "yes, that is a true thing that you have said" "now, i've been looking at some of the most successful movies of yesteryear, and i have determined that one thing links many, many classics, INCLUDING a classic with tom cruise" "kenny loggins songs" "YES" "well, come on; let's go get him" "wait what; i was going to try and build a kenny loggins out of papier mache and macaroni" "i've tried that; it didn't really work out" "your macaroni was probably of sub-par quality" "no dude i sprung for the expensive shit; there was about 5000$ worth of macaroni in his left arm alone" "jesus" "he was pretty tasty, though, so i don't regret it, really" Jakey and Rachel hop into The Motherfucker and head to the docks, where Kenny Loggins sits on the deck of his docked yacht, twiddling his thumbs. "hey kenny loggins do you have any songs saved up that would fit in a romantic comedy" "do i ever" Kenny Loggins fishes around in his suitcase, and eventually pulls out a compact disc. "it is called 'i'm free (heaven helps the man)'" "uh that was in footloose" "..." "..." "oh right" Kenny Loggins strokes his beard. "give me five minutes" Kenny Loggins walks into a room on the yacht, and comes back five minutes later holding another compact disc. "fresh off the presses" "oh boy what's it called" "'danger zone of love'" "DUDE" "THAT SOUNDS AWESOME" "THANKS KENNY LOGGINS" "any time kids" Michelle also exits the same room Kenny Loggins had just come from, and passes Jakey the new single she'd cut, entitled "Take Me Home".
[reward: respect +/'Danger Zone of Love' t-shirt/Kenny Loggins missions]

Mission 062: Red Carpet [Rachel]
"jakey!!! today is the red carpet premiere of our film!!!" "hyperbolic time chamber?" "you know it!!! hey i need an arm to walk me down the red carpet and you have arms!!! how would you like to be my date!!!" "i don't have anything better to do" "grea-hey wait what's that supposed to mean" "well i don't have anything better to do because there is nothing better to do that exists" "ooh good one" "thanks i was panicking internally" Jakey and Rachel hop into The Motherfucker and head to the red carpet. "HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE RED CARPET DEBUT OF THE LATEST MOVIE BY FILM DIRECTOUR; I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE; THIS RED CARPET OUTING PROMISES TO BE A HOT ONE BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; IN ORDER TO REACH HER DREAM SPOT ON THE RED CARPET, THE FEMALE LEAD OF THE FILM MUST MAKE IT PAST THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINE IN SPORTSBALL; THAT OF THE DALLAS COWBOYS" "THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING THE COWBOYS HAVE GOT GOING FOR THEM BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; RACHEL MUST GET THROUGH THIS LINE OF SKILLED SPORTS STARS AND SACK SOPHOMORE QUARTERBACK DAK PRESCOTT" "IF SHE MANAGES TO TAKE DOWN DAK, SHE WILL BE ABLE TO CLAIM HER SPOT AMONG THE ELITE BLITZERS OF ALABAMA; OTHERWISE, SHE WILL BE SENTENCED TO LIFE ON THE C-LIST" "AND THE BALL IS SNAPPED AND RACHEL HAS BEGUN HER CHARGE" "ON HER LEFT IS HANS, ALABAMA'S SWEETHEART, AND ON HER RIGHT IS BARKEVIOUS MINGO OF THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS" "GOOD CHOICE OF BLITZERS FOR RACHEL; THE SPEED OF MINGO AND THE CHARISMA OF HANS SHOULD HELP HER OVERCOME THE LINE AND GET THE SACK BEFORE DAK CAN FIND DEZ BRYANT IN THE ENDZONE" "THE PLAN IS WORKING BOB; THE ENTIRE LINE IS ASKING HANS FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; MINGO HAS GRABBED RACHEL AND IS TOSSING HER STRAIGHT AT DAK LIKE A MISSILE" "OOH A BONE-CRUSHING HIT FROM RACHEL; WE'RE LUCKY THAT WASN'T ROMO BEHIND THAT LINE OR HE'D NOT HAVE SURVIVED" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB; THE BALL IS LOOSE, AND MINGO HAS SCOOPED IT UP, RUNNING IT BACK FOR THE TOUCHDOWN" "RACHEL GETS HER FILM CAREER OFF THE GROUND IN RECORD TIME, AND IT APPEARS THAT HANS IS GOING TO GET A TEAM OF THE WEEK CARD IN JOHN MADDEN SPORTSBALL'S ULTIMATE TEAM MODE ON MONDAY" "THAT DOES IT FOR THIS WEEK'S RED CARPET PREMIERE; I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "GOOD NIGHT" Michelle walks over to Hans. "can i have your autograph hans i am a huge fan" Hans writes Michelle an autograph. "hey look over there" Everyone turns, and Hans rips off his false moustache to become Jakey again. "what are we-HEY where did hans go!!!" Michelle looks to the floor, sad, as there is so much she had wanted to ask Hans (such as if he will marry her). "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Barkevious Mingo jersey/Hans jersey]

Mission 063: A Tender Moment of Resignation [The Great Cheryl]
"JARED my magical double has sent me this letter of resignation!!!" "resigning as what" "'from this day forward, i want to be my own person and not leech off the exploits of the great cheryl'" "that makes sense really; you create a standard that is impossible to live up to" "while that may be true, i still feel like i should at least TRY and win her back to the side of uh greatness" "very well" The Great Cheryl teleports herself and Jakey to her magical double's position. "double, explain two things to me: 1: why are you resigning, and 2: why do you look just like my deceased twin sister" "the answer to both is the same: i was created without all of your memories, and so i have no knowledge of this sister of yours, or the rest of your life" "listen i am using magic right now to maintain my 'always kind of angry' facade, but inside i am crying up a goddamn storm and you are the reason, charlene" "listen, i don't want to be your dead sister; i'm sorry, but i altered my appearance to become a completely NEW person, and there are no records of anyone in history looking like i do now" "THAT'S BECAUSE I ERASED THE RECORDS BECAUSE NO ONE DESERVES TO REMEMBER CHARLENE BUT ME" "..." "..." "that doesn't make much sense, but okay" "hello i am still here" Jakey waves at the two women, both of whom his body wants to have babies with. However, his mind is not sure whether The Great Cheryl had given her double all of the necessary reproductive organs. "hey ms. double does your body have the necessary bits and bobs to create and birth a child" "i believe so, yes" "good; my penis is always right when it comes to women" The double instinctively looks down, then closes her eyes in embarrassment when she sees the throbbing bulge protruding from Jakey's pants. "jesus it's like it's got its own heartbeat" "that's a recent thing; i think it has to do with all the gemstones i've ingested" "JERRY NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DISCUSS YOUR PENIS; THERE WILL BE TIME FOR THAT LATER" "right sorry; yo ms. double in order to cut this reunion short and end everyone's suffering, you've got to pick a name for yourself" The double thinks for a moment, then it hits her. "a new chapter of my life is beginning, like the dawn of a new day" "so... jennifer?" "dawn you donut" "right okay; come on michelle" Jakey grabs Michelle by the hand and drags her off, content. "i am always up for a game of 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Dawn]

Mission 064: Turning Tricks [The Great Cheryl]
"and for my next trick, i will woman a saw in half!!!" The Great Cheryl straps a handsaw into a box, and rubs a surprised Grace back and forth over the box, splitting it and the saw inside it in half. "i... can't say i've ever seen that one before" "and the thrills don't end there!!!" The Great Cheryl tosses Grace into the backroom and pulls out a rabbit. "NOW i will pull a hat out of THIS rabbit!!!" The Great Cheryl forcefully shoves her hand into the rabbit's mouth and yanks out a partially-digested hat. "um, are you sure you're feeling okay" "IT'S AVANT GARDE JAMES YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" "i guess not" "now MARVEL as i make this levitating woman FALL TO THE GROUND" The Great Cheryl slices downward with her wand, sending Michelle hurtling to the ground. "OW" Michelle begins to cry as she hobbles over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 065: Options and Decisions Relating to Said Options [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door calmly opens. "hey" "h-hello i-i-i'm glad you're here; i-i-i-i need help making a decision" "plaid" "wh-what" "what" "i-i-i-i don't see how plaid h-has anything to do with this" "oh damn i was hoping to guess correctly so you'd be impressed" "s-sorry" Jakey opens his mouth to object to Valerie's apology, but decides to keep quiet and follow her over to her desk. "i-i-i-i've finished m-my comic and t-two publishers have expressed interest" "that's great!!!" "b-but now i have to decide b-between them; comic publishour is o-offering more money b-but it's a little-known indepedent deal w-with a limited fanbase" "and the other?" "k-kathy komix, which is the l-largest comics company in the w-world but i'd get less money a-and i'd have to change the heroine to m-miss kathy but a-afterward i could use the exposure t-to write/illustrate more" "let me see that kathy kontract" Valerie passes the contract over to Jakey, who immediately looks at the fine print. "yeah uh if you sign this contract, you're stuck writing for kathy komix for the next thirty years pro bono" "WH-WHAT" "always read the fine print when dealing with jews, valerie" "th-thank you" "go for comic publishour and put his company on the MAP with your story!!!" "yeah!!!" Valerie signs the contract for Comic Publishour while Michelle, in a half-asleep daze, grabs her smoothie from the microwave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kathy Komix jacket]

Mission 066: Comic Catastrophe [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door swings open, knocking Jakey off-balance. Valerie stands in front of Jakey with tears streaming down her face, wearing a plaid shirt. "plaid?" "J-J-JAKEY IT'S TERRIBLE" "plaid isn't that bad-" "THE M-M-M-MAFIA HAS STOLEN THE SHIPMENT OF M-MY COMIC" "... why?" "i-i-i-i don't know!!!" "don't worry; i will recover the shipment" "TH-TH-THANK YOU" "there is no time to lose!!!" Jakey whistles and The Motherfucker comes toward him in the shape of a motorcycle. Jakey hops on and speeds off to the truck's last-known coordinates. "it's about time somebody came; my truck has been stolen!!!" "which way did they go" The truckdriver points east, and Jakey speeds off, eventually coming upon the truck along the side of the road with a flat tyre. "of course the truck gets a flat tyre while wese stealing it that's how life works" "ah shut up vinnie youse said this last time when a fly splattered on the windshield" "THE ONLY ONES SPLATTERING ON THE WINDSHIELD THIS TIME WILL BE YOU, CRIMINAL SCUM" "..." "..." "YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME MUCH TO WORK WITH OKAY" Jakey shoos the mafia goons off into the woods, and bleeds on the tyre, fixing it instantly. Jakey then hops into The Motherfucker and tows the truck back to its driver. The driver hops into the truck and attempts to floor it, but the front tyres spin uselessly in the air. "yo miss truck what's your name" "bailey" "nice name; how about a date sometime" "yeah whatever let me go" Bailey hucks a slip of paper with eleven digits on it out the window and Jakey pockets it, then unhooks the truck. The truck speeds off, and Jakey calls the number on the slip of paper. "hey it's me; just checking to make sure you didn't give me a false number" "i really wish i'd thought of that" "cool call you later" "i'll be anxiously awaiting your call" Bailey rolls her eyes and hangs up, while Jakey does a little victory dance and tucks the portable time machine he'd been carrying into his pocket. Jakey's phone rings again, and he answers the call from Michelle, who is in the sidecar of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Bailey]

Mission 067: Opportunity Comes Knocking [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door swings open once again, but Jakey is prepared this time. Valerie stands in front of Jakey with a smile on her face. "jakey!!!" "valerie!!!" "m-my comic was an instant hit!!! (d-despite scathing reviews b-by kathy magazine for 'n-not having enough kathy')" "that's great!!!" "yeah!!! a-and quite-good comics has asked m-me to be the artist of their r-revival of the classic hero 'the bag' i-in their 'superlative' series; c-classic heroes reimagined f-for the audience of the new m-millennium!!!" "uh the millennium hasn't been very new for a while now; why did it take so long for them to get to 'the bag'?" "w-well he's mysterious!!! when the creator d-died no one h-had any idea what to do with th-the character because no one knew anything a-about him" "so did you accept?" "y-yeah!!! i-i-i-i-i figure i-i'll get out before it st-starts to get weird" "so fifty issues?" "i-i-i think it can last s-seventy-five" "well i am happy for you; it's good that you have taken up an interest outside of gravedigging" Valerie's eyes widen, startled. "o-oh no shit shit shit shit shit" "what's wrong" "I-I-I-I FORGOT TO B-BURY THE B-BODIES" Valerie runs to get her face bandana, goggles, and shovel while tying up her hair, and knocking things off the shelves in her haste. "CALM DOWN THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE" "N-NOT IF I-I-I HAVE A-ANYTHING TO SAY A-ABOUT IT" Valerie nearly bowls Jakey over careening toward the door. Jakey follows her out to a large pile of dead bodies just behind her house. "you know, you think i would have noticed that when i pulled in" "th-the problem is th-that the oldest and thus m-most disgruntled bodies a-are on the bottom" "disgruntled?" "i-if a body i-isn't buried in its own grave s-soon after its s-soul is gone, i-it becomes restless a-and wanders around a-all night" "uh-huh" "l-last time this h-happened, the b-body kept c-coming to m-my door every night asking m-me for milk" "did you give it any?" "y-yes but th-then it took the j-jug from m-my hand rather th-than the glass a-and drank from that" Valerie tears up just remembering that fateful night. "A-AND THE J-JUG WAS N-NEARLY FULL TOO" "no manners" "s-so you see how i-important it is that i-i-i-i get these bodies b-buried right" "yeah i'll help" "r-really?" "it'll go faster with two" "th-thanks jakey" Jakey and Valerie set to work burying each and every body in its own grave, marking each with the appropriate headstone, careful not to mix any up. Of course, with Jakey able to turn The Motherfucker into an excavator and a dump truck, it takes no time at all. "l-last one" Valerie grabs Michelle and slings her over her shoulder. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/"The Bag" t-shirt]

Mission 068: Signs Signs Everywhere a Sign [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door swings open. Valerie stands in front of Jakey with a worried look on her face. "j-jakey comics publishour wants to do a promotion where p-people can enter to win a s-signed copy of m-my comic" "that's actually a good idea" "b-but i-i-i-i-i d-don't know how t-to write in c-cursive" "..." "c-can you help?" "you're asking the wrong person" "o-oh" Valerie looks downward, disappointed. "we must make a trek to the top of the tallest peak in the rugged triangular mountains and speak to the wise sage atop the mountain; only he can grant your request" "wh-why can't we just fl-fly in your m-magic car" "the sage refuses to speak to anyone who does not truly TREK" "o-oh" "put this on" "... wh-what" "just, trust me" Jakey and Valerie put on their Star Trek crewman uniforms and head up to the peak of Mt. Trigon. "greetings earthlings" "h-hello" "i assume you've come to learn how to speak klingon well-" "no the other thing" "oh" Trekkour looks to the ground, disappointed. "well to learn cursive go through the right door and complete the trials" "o-okay c-come on jakey" "NO you must go ALONE" "..." "..." "i-i-i-i'm s-scared" "as you should be; these trials will test e-" Jakey makes a slicing motion across his neck at Trekkour. "uh sorry i was talking about the klingon one accidentally; the cursive one is safe + easy" "o-okay" Valerie steps into the Maze of Trials in order to learn how to write in cursive. Meanwhile, Jakey gets a call from Stu. "hey stu what's up" "i just got back from my time travel journey" "oh how was that" "it didn't end well" "what why not" "well first it turned out that-" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Valerie runs out of the Maze of Trials, hair ablaze, chased by bats. "uh call you back dude" "all right" Jakey hangs up and chases after Valerie, who stops, drops, and rolls straight off the mountain. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "SHIT" "that's... never happened before" "I-I-I-I'M FINE; THIS P-PILE OF DEAD B-BODIES BROKE M-MY FALL" "this week, i meant" "ah" Jakey slides down the mountain and helps Valerie up. "uh-" "i-it's not that b-bad is it" Jakey looks at Valerie's singed hair and clothing. "well the good news is that the star trek uniform protected your actual clothes pretty well, and i can just bleed on your head and fix the uh gigantic welt; the bad news is that you still haven't learnt cursive" "a-aw man" "HOLD UP" "wha-" "THE ABILITY TO WRITE IN CURSIVE WAS INSIDE YOU ALL ALONG" Jakey cuts open his hand and bleeds onto Valerie's head while Trekkour holds out a pen and paper, and Valerie signs her name really well. "... wh-what" "the maze of trials simply UNLOCKED your latent abilities!!!" "b-by lighting m-me on f-fire?!" "hey i didn't design the maze; it's been here for centuries" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Michelle runs out of the Maze of Trials, hair ablaze, chased by bats. "TAKE ME HOOOOOOOOOMMMME"
[reward: respect +/Maze of Trials t-shirt/Stu missions]

Mission 069: Break the Targets [Harvey Kinkle]
"HARVEY YOU'RE THE TARGET OF AN ASSASSINATION PLOT" "but i shop at walmart" Jakey lifts his right index finger and opens his mouth as if to say something, but shakes his head and says something different. "do you have any idea who would want to assassinate you" "rival sportsball teams, the pentagon, number crunchour from accounting, the caesar family, the employees of orange julius, someone who was dared to assassinate me; you know, the usual" "you mean i have to question all those people?!" "nah, just wait for an attempt to happen and interrogate the would-be assassin" "but it's a shadowy organisation cloaked in uh shadow!!!" "OH you mean arby's; how could i have forgotten" "OF COURSE IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW; come on sophia let's take on the arby's corporation after i do a bunch more pointless bullshit" "i'm game" Sophia twirls Mr. Shooty around herself like a baton. Michelle joins in, twirling her own gun. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 070: Love to Keep You Warm [Harvey Kinkle]
"jakey i am going to be warming the bench in today's sportsball match; i need you to sabotage all the other team's bench-warmers so that i can receive the coveted 'bench-warmer of the game' award" "say no more; i have already got a plan" Jakey rubs his hands together and gets out his walkie-talkie. "grace initiate plan epsilon on the north bench" "on it" Grace places a plastic dummy at her position, and runs off to the nearby airport, where she gets into the refrigerated cargo plane, and takes off high above the stadium. "BOMBS AWAY" Grace unleashes the payload, dumping thirty feet of fresh Canadian snow onto one of the benches. Grace then quickly circles back, lands the plane, and hustles back to her position. Meanwhile, Jakey begins covering the second bench with turtle wax. Once his task is complete, Jakey runs over to the third and final bench, and places a sign that says "this seat is reserved". Jakey then clears out, taking position next to Grace. Soon, the rival sportsball team enters the stadium. At the end of the game, bench one is disqualified from the contest because they were so unwarm that their bench is covered in snow. Bench two is disqualified because no one could even sit on the bench; they just kept sliding off. Bench three is disqualified because no one sat on it, as it was reserved. Harvey is awarded with the prestigous "Bench-Warmer of the Game" award. Michelle throws her helmet to the ground in frustration. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Harvey Kinkle: Bench-Warming Champion t-shirt]

Mission 071: Piper at the Gates of Dawn [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's front door, and she lets him in, standing just so that Jakey has to squeeze past her, brushing against her ample bosom. "hello!!! it is so good to see you again!!!" "y-yes, good" "you know!!! you are so good at acquiring things for me!!! stamp-related things!!!" "y-yes, good" "well!!! there is a new run of canadian flag stamps!!!" "oh yeah; they feature the beautiful canadian flag in various poses and lightings (some are erotic so you need to be over 18 to purchase them)" "yes!!! i need them for my collection!!! but canada is so far away!!! and they refuse to let me import the stamps!!!" "DO NOT WORRY MISS PIPER; I WILL GET THESE STAMPS FOR YOU" "thank you so much!!! i will have a fresh plate of cookies ready for your return!!!" Jakey winks and gives Piper the thumbs-up, then runs off to The Motherfucker, flying out to his native Canada, then to the post office. Kathy sits behind the counter, filing her nails. "kathy i need some of those new canada stamps" "i'll need to see your i.d." "kathy it's me, jakey" "i'll need to see your i.d." "we went to school together!!!" "i'll NEED to see your i.d." "sigh" Jakey rummages through his wallet and hands Kathy his Canadian identification card. "this expired a week ago" "what how can an i.d. expire" "i don't know, but i can't give you these stamps with an out-of-date i.d.; you'll need to get it renewed at the d.m.v. next door then wait 2-3 business weeks for it to arrive in the mail" "WEEKS?! i don't have that kind of time!!!" "guess you're not getting these stamps then; bye" "but-" "bye" "b-" Kathy puts her foot down on a switch, which sends Jakey flying out of the post office. Jakey pulls out his walkie-talkie. "grace, it's time for plan omicron" "on it" Grace places a dummy at her current location, then quickly dives into post office, shows Kathy her I.D., acquires the stamps, and rolls out, handing them to Jakey. All of a sudden, a group of mounties surrounds the two of them. "WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED EH" "PROVIDING 18 AND PLUS CONTRABAND TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE JUST BEEN KICKED OUT FOR NOT HAVING PROPER DOCUMENTATION IS A CLASS-SIX OFFENSE EH" "COME PEACEFULLY OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO USE uh FORCE EH" Grace sweeps the legs out from under the head mountie's horse, distracting the others momentarily. "RUN" Jakey sprints to The Motherfucker while Grace leaps back up to her vantagepoint, grabs her gun, and runs off herself. Jakey flies out back to Mojavistan. "how long is the statue of limitations on class-six offenses eh" "half an hour eh" "is there a law against sweeping the legs of a mountie's horse eh" "no eh" "might as well just go home eh" The mounties head home just as Jakey reaches Piper's house. The door swings open, and Piper grabs Jakey in a death-grip hug, forcing him downward so his face is planted firmly between her gigantic breasts. "i am so glad you're back!!! and you have the stamps!!! how wonderful!!!" "y-yes glad" Jakey hands Piper the stamps, and sits down for fresh cookies and milk with Piper and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Canadian jacket]

Mission 072: Treasure Chest [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door, and is instantly greeted by a smiling Piper. "jakey!!! i was going through the things my grandfather left me when he died and there was a treasure map!!! a map to a rare stamp!!!" "oh wow" "only five of this stamp are said to exist!!! two are in postage museums; one in canada and one in alabama!!! two are owned by kings; king bran of alabama and king jakey of canada!!! the other was thought to be lost forever!!! but if this map is genuine!!!" "i will assemble my crew immediately and set sail" "thank you so much!!! i will await your return with bated breath (and a plate of chocolate chip cookies)!!!" Jakey salutes Piper and hops into The Motherfucker, calls up his crew, and heads for the docks, where he boards his ship - The Black Togekiss. "arrrrgh we be gettin' here as soon as we can cap'n" "good; we have a buried treasure to find and dig up" "arrrrrgh this be what we be livin' for cap'n" Jakey and his crew board the ship and set sail for Skullcross Island. "arrrrgh lobster ship on the starboard bow cap'n" Jakey looks at the ship and notices the Canadian flag the lobster ship is flying. "eh we'd better not; lobster fishing's pretty important to the economy" "arrrgh good decision cap'n; the economy be very important for a country to be havin' success and happiness for its people" The sails stay full, and The Black Togekiss speeds across the water. "arrrrrrgh skullcross island dead ahead cap'n" "GET READY TO DOCK" The crew gets the ship ready to settle down by the island. Jakey disembarks, and sees a sign that says "there is totally not a treasure buried beneath this sign". "hmm well the map says the treasure is right there but the SIGN says that it isn't" "arrrrrgh that be quite a conundrum cap'n" "arrrgh be lookin' at this cap'n!!!" Mauvebeard hands Jakey a stone tablet covered in ancient Canadian hieroglyphics. "it says 'the sign or the map; which do you trust? wood and paper are cut from the same cloth, but are wholly different animals; does the truth belong to the firm or the malleable?'" "arrrrrgh this be makin' my head hurt cap'n" "thanks to this stone tablet, i have figured it out; signs lie to me all the time, but maps are always right" "arrrrrgh can we be havin' an example cap'n" "well there are signs that say 'speed limit' but i can go whatever speed i like in the sign's designated radius!!! i am not limited at all!!!" "arrrrrrgh that's why you're the cap'n cap'n" The sailors dig up the ground beneath the sign, and haul out a large treasure chest. Jakey carefully opens the chest and inside are two stamps, one depicting the brave cans of Mountain Dew Pitch Black that gave their lives in the Obnoxious Celtic Mountain Dew Wars, and the other depicting the brave hero Jack White, who gave his life to protect his favourite soft drink from those who would wish it harm. Elated, the crew boards the ship and heads for home. Afterward, everyone piles into The Motherfucker and heads out to Piper's house for their reward. "oh jakey i am so glad that you have returned safe and also sound!!!" Jakey hands Piper the two stamps in his posession. "t-TWO STAMPS?! o-one is definitely the jack white stamp!!! but!!! the other though!!! i have never seen anything like it!!!" Piper squeezes Jakey with all her might, causing Jakey to suffocate and revive five consecutive times. "how can i ever repay you!!!" Jakey knows exactly what he wants, but he is too afraid to mention it. All he wants is to admire and fondle those two large lumps of womanhood on Piper's chest, free of any clothing, but he restrains himself. "i-i am sure i will think of something" "well!!! everyone come on in!!! i made enough cookies for everyone!!!" Piper places the two stamps carefully in her collection, and sits down with Jakey, the crew, and Michelle for some hard-won chocolate chip cookies. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mountain Dew Pitch Black jacket/Skullcross Island t-shirt/Alabama National Athletics League missions]

Mission 073: Re-rewriting History [Piper]
Jakey goes to knock on Piper's door, but the door whips open before he can, and he ends up knocking on Piper's left breast instead. "s-sorry" "jakey!!! i have found out about this second stamp!!! back in the 1800s the alabamanian government decided to make a set of stamps commemorating the brave heroes who restored mountain dew pitch black to the world!!! unfortunately, an underground group supporting mountain dew voltage intercepted the shipment of stamps and destroyed the vast majority of them!!! there was supposed to be one for each of the six brave heroes!!! however!!! until now, only four of jack white's stamps were ever recovered!!! none of the other heroes' stamps, nor the pitch black stamp, had ever been recovered!!! this is a momentous discovery for the stamp collecting community!!!" Piper engulfs Jakey in her arms, smothering him inside her gigantic breasts. "now i am the only person in the world with this stamp!!! this makes my stamp collection the most valuable in the world!!!" "mmff mmmf mmm" "i know right!!!" Michelle walks in and hands Piper the new set of Canadian stamps, representing Jakeys taking Michelles home through the years. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mountain Dew Pitch Black t-shirt]

Mission 074: I'm Gonna do it Right [Kenny Loggins]
Kenny Loggins sits on the deck of his yacht, staring out over the ocean at nothing in particular. "oh hey jakey i kind of forgot to pay this month's docking fees for my yacht; if i give you the money will you go and pay them for me; i'd do it myself but i'm kind of busy" "oh yeah totally" "thanks" Kenny Loggins hands Jakey the money, and Jakey walks over to the front office, where Kathy sits behind the counter, playing paddleball. "hey yo kathy i'm here to pay kenny loggins' docking fees" Jakey slides the wad of bills over to Kathy, who, without stopping her ball-paddling, eyeballs the stack of cash. "ah yes it does appear to all be here, but the payment is LATE, meaning you will have to face the consequences" "consequences?" Kathy presses a button underneath her desk with her free hand, sending Jakey falling through a trap door into an underground maze. "welcome to the maze / find the exit and go free / or else perish here" "okay what are you doing here yuko" "i am filling in / the real maze keepour is sick / hope he gets well soon" "well i'd love to stay and chat but the speakers are playing songs by that 'swans' group and i am allergic to swans and my allergies are causing me to slowly swell up so i've got to go before i become too swell to escape" Jakey pulls out his walkie talkie. "grace no time to talk initiate plan kappa-digamma-sampi" "RIGHT AWAY" Grace pulls a long ladder out of her supplies sack, places a dummy at her location, and runs into the dock's office. Grace hucks a wad of bills to Kathy to make her look the other way, then slides to the trap door, lowering the ladder for Jakey to grab and climb while his hands can still perform such an action. Jakey nearly makes it to the top before his puffs up too large to properly grip anything. Grace quickly grabs his arms and hoists him up, the sheer weight of his allergies making this an immensely difficult task. Grace then quickly rolls Jakey outside into the fresh air, where his body shrinks again. "oh god thank you so much i thought i was a goner; remind me to give you a raise later when i regain consciousness" Jakey passes out, and awakens next to Michelle, whose goose allergy had been acting up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Maze of Consequences t-shirt]