Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] IV: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure

CHAPTOUR FORTY-SIX:
Jack White stands perfectly still, a single tear methodically working its way down his cheek. Cerberus bites into Jack White's jugular, causing him to bleed out in a matter of seconds. Jack White's single tear mixes with his gallons of blood to release Donald and Goofy so that they might finish what Jack White started. "well auron let's-" "..." "..." "WHERE THE FUCK DID AURON GO" The three companions head upstairs, Auronless. "hey it's me hercules" "hey hercules we can't fight in the underworld or something" "oh i'll get you the olympus stone it protects against the curse" "does it protect against barrels" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "i love life" "HEY FAGS IT'S TIME TO TRAIN" "FUCK YOU PHIL"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

buy an instructional "how to train" movie on blu-ray from the local walmart and use said movie to train until the sweat has flooded the earth 3x over

CHAPTOUR FORTY-SEVEN:
Jack White sprints to WAL*MART to buy a 'How to Train' DVD on blu ray. Jack White follows its instructions to the letter and Phil runs off. Hercules comes back, dismayed. "have you guys seen meg" "which meg" "megara" "oh and why are there two megs that goes against naming regulations" "there are twenty jacks" "but we all have last names!!!" "oh" "anyway where's the olympus stone" "oh someone stole it" "fuck" "hey guys let's go!!!" "no you can't it's me hades i am signing hercules up for a battle against the hydra" "oh okay" The three then go into the underworld and find Phil lying on the ground. "hey i was attacked" "that's great" They continue on, finding a man in black. "hey dan auerbach what's up" "FUCK YOU MY NAME IS NOT DAN AUERBACH" "NO U" "NO ME" The man takes off his hood to reveal Brian May! "hello" "hello" Brian May turns corn into ethanol to create water forms to attack Jack White.
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

smacks one of sir water forms to the ground and then rides it past brian may, steals his corn and starts throwing corn aimlessly around the room while riding sir water form in hope that the others meet a corny demise, before throwing a corn right at brian may, pinning him to the wall ready for interrogation

CHAPTOUR FORTY-EIGHT:
Jack White smashes one of the water forms to the ground. "DAN AUERBACH COME BACK TO US" Brian May teleports away. "fuck" Jack White grabs the Olympus Stone on the floor and gets all of his powers back. "wow" They head into the next room and unlock the gate. "hey it's me" "i hate you" "HEY I'M PETE" "fuck not this guy" Pete rolls around and Jack White smacks him a few times. "ow ow ow" "hey it's me hercules" "oh did you finish off the hydra" "YEAH" "NOPE" Hades warps in. "what" "sup washout" They rush to the Colosseum, where the hydra has fucking wrecked it. "fuck" "shit" "damn" "balls" "bugger" "motherfucker" "christ"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

pulls out his vintage 1968 les paul and shreds some tasty licks at such a speed that a rift in the space-time continuum opens up which sucks the hydra in

CHAPTOUR FORTY-NINE:
Jack White hops onto Hercules' pegasus and whips out his vintage 1968 Gibson Les Paul. "this party's gettin' crazy LET'S ROCK " Jack White strums a chord, but no sound comes out. "plug me in, would you, goofy" "oh" Goofy plugs Jack White in and Jack White plays some nice licks that aren't too nice as the Hydra falls unconcious from the sheer rock. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White hops on top of the hydra and Phil tosses a pot at him. Jack White leaps in the air and smashes the pot down on the hydra, causing it to sprout more heads. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White swiftly defeats the heads. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White makes one final run on the pegasus, playing every lick and solo he can muster. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" After one final note, Jack White falls off the pegasus. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Donald dives and catches Jack White's vintage 1968 Gibson Les Paul. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White falls to the ground with a sickening crack. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" The hydra falls dead. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" The friends crowd around Jack White, who rips his vintage 1968 Gibson Les Paul. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White plays a sweet solo and gives Hercules the Olympus Stone, which floats into the air. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK" Jack White locks the shit out of it and the three head for a new world. "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK"
The three land in an actual hangar for once. "we're home jack white but something seems different" "yeah in a bad way" "why is life never simple" Chip and Dale rush in. "there is trouble you should totally go see sir queen"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

post a new stole it/that video to appease his fans, then go to eurogamer and test out the new Skyrim game and post what he thought about it online

then see the queen i guess LMFAO

CHAPTOUR FIFTY:
Jack White posts a new Dave video to appease his fans, then heads to the queen, grinding all the way. "so like we need to go to the throne room but i forgot to warn everyone in the castle about the heartless because i'm a stupid bitch" "great" Donald and Goofy bugger off. "gee" Jack White and Minnie head to the throne room, which Minnie unseals. "noooooooooo not heartless in here!!!" Jack White kills them. Once they're all dead, more appear. "ALL RIGHT MORE GRINDING" Minnie, being a stupid bitch, presses a button to kill all of them and not give Jack White any experience. "FUCK YOU" They head to the basement, where there are thorns and shit everywhere. "hey it's me" "oh god go away maleficent" "NO U" "NO ME" "drat" "so like we need help and stuff" Donald and Goofy come in. "OH MAYBE WE NEED TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS SHIT THAT ISN'T IN ANY BOOK" "... goofy do you even think before you talk or does this shit just come out naturally"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

follow goofy's advice what could possibly go wrong

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-ONE:
Jack White rockets off to Hollow Bastion and brings Merlin back. "i guess he'll have to do" "so like go through this door and seal another door just like it okay" "okay" Merlin makes a door appear and the three go through the door. "wow everything is black and/or white" "old" They all wander off aimlessly. "hey look it's pete" "some cunt stole my steamboat" "yeah it was YOU " "... is this guy retarded or something" "FUCK YOU PETE" They beat up Pete. "oh maybe that was a different pete" "sounds logical" "SORRY WE ATTACKED YOU" "well help me find my steamboat!!!" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

whores goofy out in a dark alley so he can afford to fund a Pete-steamboat-trackour project and also buy some food for him

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-TWO:
Jack White heads into the darkest alley he can find and sells Goofy as a sex slave to buy food for him. Also, some doors appear on top of the hill. They save all of the town areas and are rewarded with a movie. "YAY I'LL GET THE POPCORN" Donald gets the popcorn and he and Jack White sit down for a movie. "hey pete you're an idiot ROFL" "LMFAO" Maleficent walks off. "oh going back in time would be nice" A door appears. "... a million bucks would be nice" Nothing happens, and Pete looks at his calendar. "fuck it's national one-wish day" Pete stands there dejected. "oh btw if you go back in time and run some errands for me (such as returning this late video rental) i will let you stay on" "YAY" Maleficent walks off again. "time to get my old steamboat " "um" "um" "that was a shit movie" Jack White throws popcorn at the screen, and Pete walks by. "hello" "hello" Another Pete walks by. "hello" "hello" "hey that guy stole my steamboat" "oh wow"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

battle napoleon Bonaparte on a massive game board to decide who should rightfully own the steam boat

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-THREE:
"i know how to settle this" Jack White cuts open a portal to a parallel dimension with his plunger and pulls out Napoleon Bonaparte. "hello" "hello" "LET'S DO BATTLE " They set up the board. "okay so like if i win pete gets the steamboat" "and if i win pete gets the steamboat" "it's on " After millions of lives are lost in the village, Jack White finally gets his shit together and wins. "fuck" "i'll get you guys next time!!!" Pete runs through the door, which Jack White seals. "mission accomplished!!!" "yay" "hooray" They ride on the steamboat a bit and go back to the present. "hello" "hello" "IT'S ME DAISY" "FUCK NO" Donald runs off and Daisy chases after. The big orb thing gets sealed and they get into the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II.
"hey we're in atlantica!!!" "hey we're putting on a MUSICAL" "WHAT" "WHAT" "WHAT" "so there are like no heartless" "nope" "okay let's go" King Triton grabs Jack White. "you can't leave now" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

writes an incredible musical about american football, in hope that when king triton gives a standing ovation at the end they can use the distraction to disappear backstage, hop in the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II and escape while blasting friday

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-FOUR:
"well king triton i totally wrote this musical about football an-" "NO IT MUST BE ABOUT THE SEA" "what" "ARIEL WANTS TO LEAVE AND WE MUST CONVINCE HER TO STAY" "can't you like ground her or something" "..." "..." "no" "fuck" The band starts to play FINNY FUN. "WHAT THE FUCK" "COME ON BRO" Everyone jams in unison to FINNY FUN. "yo dawg let's come on over and have some fucking finny fun bro" "oh god my ears" "finny fun is fun and also finny making it finny fun bro" "MY EARS" Jack White uses the musical as a distraction to get to the save point. "you know to get the ULTIMA WEAPON you need to do this" "FUCK" FINNY FUN finishes. "wasn't that a lot of... finny fun" "sure" "great" They play UNDER THE SEA next. Jack White whips out his plunger and leads a rock arrangement of UNDER THE SEA. "aw yeah under the sea motherfucker" "under the motherfucking sea!!!" "oh! darling it's better down where it's fucking wetter take it from me bro" They bow and shit. "oh by the way jack white i totally want to go on the surface despite everyone's warnings" "okay" "IN FACT I WILL SING A SONG ABOUT IT" "FUCK" "OH I'VE GOT LOTS OF SHIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS DO YOU MISTOUR JONES I COLLECT ALL THIS SHIT AND IT IS UNKNOWN TO ME BUT IT IS MINE HOW CAN YOU KICK ME OUT OF WHAT IS MINE" King Triton destroys a statue and Ariel runs off crying and makes a deal with the devil to become human. However, she is a human underwater and cannot breathe. "yay!!!" "TO GET THE ULTIMA WEAPON ARIEL HAS TO LIVE" "fuck" Jack White carries Ariel to the surface, where she is unable to kiss the prince and the devil uses her devil powers to make sure it doesn't happen. "NOW IT IS TIME FOR A SONG" "OH GOD" "HEY IT'S ME I AM URSULA I AM EVIL AND SHIT ALSO YOU CANNOT STOP ME FOR I AM HUGE" "old" "I MEAN HUGER THAN NORMAL" "fuck" "ALSO I HAVE THIS TRIDENT AND SHIT IT IS PRETTY COOL YOU CANNOT STOP ME" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

get totally butthurt and blow up the starship sending ursula, donald, goofy and himself to an alternate dimension populated entirely populated by sentient dinner plates

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-FIVE:
Jack White readies a bomb, but Goofy shakes his head. "ultima weapon" "fuck" Jack White, like, sings back. "IT'S JACK IT'S WHITE IT'S TOUGH FOR YOU TO GET BY IT'S JACK IT'S WHITE AW YEAH" "nooooooooo stop having a cooler theme song" "I AIN'T SCARED OF NO HUGE CHICK I AIN'T SCARED OF NO SHEETS" Ursula quietly puts away her sheets and melts. "yay jack white you saved us with the power of song" "joy" "also like it's time for like the final song" "FUCK" "ebony and ivory mmm yeah land and sea oh fuck yeah so much harmony harmony oh love" "what about air" "..." "..." "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT" "yay" Jack White leaves, taking an Orichalcum+ with him. "i sure love spending several chaptours to get items that will never be mentioned again. They blast off for the next world.
"hey so like i'm a pirate and stuff and when the moonlight comes i like my flesh it like melts away" "fuck yeah" "hello" "hello" "hey barbossa why not kill them" "okay bros half of you run off like pussies the other half FIGHT" "okay" Jack White's keyblade goes right through them. "what" The moon comes, revealing their bones. "fuck" "hey jack white you totally SHOULDN'T use magic" "thanks pete" Jack White totally uses magic, killing them. "fuck" Jack White runs into town. "hey it's me orlando bloom" Orlando Bloom gets surrounded by heartless. "hey we can do this!!!" Jack White kills them all. "thanks bro it's me orlando bloom" "i'm jack white" "oh the pirates kidnapped my girlfriend" "i can sympathise" The four go to the docks. "oh they have left" "fuck" "HEY IT'S ME JOHNNY DEPP" "fuck" "HEY LET'S GO ON A ADVENTURE"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

wait until a quorum is reached for the meeting to be valid so a proper official vote can be held on whether or not to go on an adventure, then disregard the results and do the opposite

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-SIX:
"okay we will take this to a vote all in favour of adventure say 'me'" "me" "..." "..." "..." "..." "okay adventure time" "yay" "what" "what" "what" "what" They go on an adventure, obviously not happy about it. "hey look it's isla de muerta!!!" "what" "island of dead" "don't you mean the dead" "no" "i hate you, translation guys" Jack White, Donald and Goofy guard the ship while Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp head for Keira Knightley and the evil pirate captain Barbossa. "hey wait bro not yet we wait for when they're not looking at her" "FUCK YOU YOU RETARD" Orlando Bloom knocks Johnny Depp out with an oar. "fuck" Then he goes and rescues Keira Knightley. "hey jack white cover us as we leave" "but how will we leave" "um magic" "sounds good" "fuck yeah" Jack White goes and beats up pirates. "THAT is for not supporting artists!!!" "that was a horrible joke" "yes" Magic happens. "LET'S GO" "hey it's me i have johnny depp hostage" "well if you kill any of us i will an hero leaving you to never be un-cursed" "oh" "oh" "oh" "oh" "oh" "oh" "well um yeah come with me" They tie up everyone and leave bombs on the ship and shit. "hey i untied myself because i'm cool" "can you untie us now johnny depp" "nah" "fuck"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

remembers that dilbert gave him a PEZ dispenser the day dilbert broke jack white's heart. he reaches into his pocket and uses the aformentioned PEZ dispenser to free himself and his companions and deactivate the bombs

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-SEVEN:
"oh shit" Jack White rummages through his pockets to find the PEZ dispenser Dilbert gave him and uses it to PEZ his way to freedom. "oh thanks dilbert" They head upstairs and throw the bombs into te ocean, decimating the local wildlife. "hooray!!!" Then they go back to the island. "okay so barbossa it's like up" "oh hey pete come on help" Pete summons darkness, making Barbossa invincible. Jack White attacks the shit out of the darkness. "hey stop quit it" Johnny Depp shoots Barbossa. "wow that was silly" They all chuck the gold and blood back in. "oh now i am dead" "great" "so like i love you and stuff keira knightley" "oh orlando bloom i love you too and stuff" "oh" Johnny Depp walks off and Jack White seals a compass. "LET'S GO" They hop into the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II and blast off.
"hey it's me iago" "oh" Heartless attack. "I GOT THIS" Iago knocks over crates. "yay" They all run away like pussies. "so like um i saved your life and stuff" "no you didn't you prevented me from leveling up" "shut up i just want jasmine/aladdin to like me" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

have iago for thanksgiving dinner, where jack white and the gang thank the Lord for all of the blessings they've received in their lives and try to secure good relations with the natives.

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-EIGHT:
"hey i know let's bring him to thanksgiving lunch and shit" "oh wow" The four run to the palace before Aladdin eats all of the stuffing. "HEY JACK WHITE HOW ARE YOU" "um great" "HEY ALADDIN ISN'T HERE BECAUSE HE'S A CUNT" "MAYBE HE HAS A SECRET GIRLFRIEND BRO" "GO AWAY IAGO NO ONE LIKES YOU" "fuck" Jasmine runs off, crying. "WELL THAT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER" They head back into town and Aladdin runs by. "HELLO" "hey give me back that lamp your monkey stole" "oh okay" "that was jafar's lamp bro" "fuck" "HEY I WOULD LIKE TO BUY THAT LAMP" "to sell this lamp i would need... stuff" "fuck we are out of stuff" "hey the cavern of wonderment has stuff!!!" "NO NEVER AGAIN I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THE CAVERN OF WONDERMENT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME" They go back to the Cavern of Wonderment. "why" A single tear streams down Jack White's face. They head through the cave and diffuse bombs, finally finding... stuff. "wow look at all the stuff" "that is definitely stuff" "how can you be sure" "look it's totally stuff" "yes but is stuff... stuff?!" "woah" Pete makes the room dark and shit. "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO