Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] IV: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY:
Jack White uses this opportunity to reverse pickpocket a grenade onto Hades and grab Hades' favourite toothpick out of his pocket. The grenade explodes, not even damaging Hades. "see i'm so great" "not so fast!!!" Jack White dangles Hades' favourite toothpick over the Pit of Mundane, Ordinary Toothpicks. "noooooooooo they'll infect it with their mundaneness" Jack White lets go of Hades' favourite toothpick, sending it falling into the Pit of Mundane, Ordinary Toothpicks. Hades dives in after it, burning all the mundane, ordinary toothpicks with his blistering rage. "well problem solved" "but what about hercules" "who" "just this guy" "HELLO" Hercules steps forward, bathed in an unhuman glow with Megara in his arms. "GET AWAY" Jack White puts on his HAZMAT suit. "..." "..." "okay" "OH HEY PHIL ARE WE HEROES YET" "NO U" "NO ME" Jack White looks up to the skies and sees an image of himself, Donald and Goofy. "well this sucks" Then the leave hooray
"HEY ORLANDO BLOOM IS GONE HE WENT OFF TO LOOK FOR THE TREASURE AND SHIT" "oh" "HEY JOHNNY DEPP CAN WE BORROW YOUR BOAT" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

puts on his favourite crate of rum suit so sir sparrow will take him to the rum cellar believing he is a crate of rum!! and then while sir sparrow sleeps jack white can casually escape the cellar, board up the door to sir sparrow's bedroom and take over the ship

and then go find the treasure or some shit

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-ONE:
Jack White sacrifices Donald and Goofy to go into ROOT BEER FORM. "ah i thought i brought all the root beer on board" Johnny Depp drags Jack White to the root beer cellar and casts off. Jack White waits until night and boards up Johnny Depp's door so he can't escape, then takes the helm. "HEY IT'S ME, BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG" "hello" "hello" "so um" "i have this chest of cursed gold and will give it to you but i will take four coins like a CUNT" "sounds good" Billie Joe Armstrong takes over the Black Pearl and throws everyone onto the Interceptour and destroys it. "aw yeah" "so like we're missing four pieces of gold let's fi-" "there they are!!!" "i don't know why i even bother" They get the gold and casually stroll back to town. "hey check this out" Billie Joe Armstrong powers up a heartless with gold. "you know instead of throwing a huge one at me wouldn't it be more productive to throw an army of small ones" "SHUT UP" They defeat the huge heartless, throw the gold into the ocean and attempt to leave forever. "STOP YOU MUST COMPENSATE ME FOR THAT ROOT BEER" "okay take this" Jack White gives Johnny Depp his keyblade. "sweet" The keyblade warps back into Jack White's hands. "fuck" They leave.
"HEY JAFAR IS FREE AGAIN HE'S IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE BUT WE SHOULDN'T GO OR ANYTHING"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

hijacks a plane and flies it into the tower

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-TWO:
"a tower, you say" Jack White hops into CJ's Dodo and rams it into the tower. "ow where are we" "inside the tower" "man this thing's sturdy as shit" Iago knocks over a vase, causing the tower to collapse. "FUCK" They hop onto the magic carpet and fly out. "HEY IT'S ME JAFAR" "but you and" "shut up" Jafar turns into a genie. "where's his lamp and shit" "no clue" "fuck" Jack White grabs Jafar's tail and ties him up with it. "fuck!!!" "well that was easy" "FOUND IT" Jack White seals Jafar in his lamp, again. "HEY IT'S ME THE GENIE I WILL FLOOD THE TOWN WITH BAKLAVA AND SHIT" "GOTTA GO" They leave.
"hey someone stole these presents from sandy" "wow" "let's deliver them!!!" They do. "so um these aren't all of them" "fuck" "TO HALLOWEEN TOWN AND SHIT" They defeat heartless and acquire presents. "OH SHIT" Jack Skellington tramples a doll and grabs an empty box. "SHIT SHIT SHIT LOOK AT THIS OH FUCK OH SHIT" "OH FUCK" "SOMEONE STOLE MY EXPERIMENT AND SHIT" "old" "butthurt" "so like i got attacked and like my experiment is gone so like go get it" "what are we, your personal army" The Professor stares blankly at the four.
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white follows the bread crumb trail left by the attackers to their hideout, where they are ready to protect the professor's failed experiment - a PS3 game - at any cost

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-THREE:
"look presents!!!" "let us follow them" "okay" They follow them to Christmas Town. "hey i have an idea" Jack Skellington makes a giant batch of presents and the four hop inside the biggest box. The experiment comes up and grabs a present. "HEY LOOK IT'S A GIANT PS3" "wow" They defeat the giant PS3 and head back to the professor's house. "so um your experiment gained sentience and was stealing presents" "hmm that sounds logical, as my ps3 was never equipped with games" Jack Skellington and Sally dance for no reason. Jack White fantasises about having consensual ballroom dancing with Meg White in the lowered hand position. They leave.
"hey it's me simba" "hello" "SIMBA IS A PUSSY HE CAN'T EVEN DEAL WITH SCAR'S GHOST" "a ghost!!!" "okay let's talk to um the hyenas" "okay" They beat up the hyenas. "TELL ME ABOUT SCAR'S GHOST AND SHIT" "oh you mean the ghost that only appears to PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT THAT COOL" "t-TAKE THAT BACK" "NO U" "NO ME" Simba runs off, crying. "fucking hell"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white dangles the hyenas' bacon above the toilet, and says that if they tell him about scar's ghost no one needs to get hurt

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-FOUR:
"jack white i have an idea" Goofy dangles the hyenas' bacon above the toilet. "NO YOU MONSTER" Jack White grabs the bacon and eats it himself. "phew" "so where would simba be" "the oasis" "this isn't a desert, jack white" "yes, it's a mountain, plain, desert, rainforest and oasis and you can get across the ENTIRE area in nder five minutes" "point taken" They head to Oasis. "today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you" "oh liam sing those lyrics like a man" "by now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do" "hey simba" "i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now" "FUCK OFF GUYS" "backbeat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out" "okay" "i'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt" Scar's ghost appears, and backs Simba to the edge of a cliff. "i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now" "hey bro you're gonna lose all your friends and shit" "and all the roads we have to walk are winding" "NEVER" "and all the lights that lead the way are blinding"" Simba pounces on Scar's ghost, causing it to disappear. "there are many that i would to say to you but i know how" "great job simba!!!" "because maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me" "oh yeah let's be king and shit" "and after all you're my wonderwall"
They head for the plains and find a giant fucking heartless. "um how did this happen there is no explanation for this" "magic" "bu-" "MAGIC, JACK WHITE"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

has goofy perform an incredible dance routine to johnny cash's "hurt", while jack white ties the giant heartless' shoelaces together

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-FIVE:
"OKAY HERE'S THE PLAN GOOF-... where's goofy" "oh he and donald decided to watch the oasis show" "fuck" "okay SIMBA you need to do an incredible dance rou-" "can't dance" "FUCK" "it's okay i have a plan" Simba steals the heartless' car and drives it into the river. "fuck my car" Jack White uses the distraction to get to the heartless' feet and strap its socks and sandals together, causing it to trip and fall in a very embarassing way. "oh dear" The heartless runs off crying and SImba decides to be king forever. Then the other three leave.
"hey tron's in trouble" "oh gee" "we're working on a great programme to help" "good thinking, squall" "HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND MY NAME IS LEON" Jack White takes out his Final Fantasy VIII strategy guide. "see right here, S-Q-U-A-L-L" "that guy isn't me" "..." "..." "I HATE YOU SO MUCH, SQUALL" "LEON YOU YOU FAGGOT GUY" Jack White storms off towards the castle and enters Tron's world. "hey they have new programmes for you in the i/o tower" "oh boy" They get to the I/O Tower and Tron totally gets his new programmes. "who should i thank" "squall" "okay thank you squall" Quietly, Squall weeps. "LET'S GO TO THE SOLAR SAILER AND SHIT" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white hops on sir solar sailer and puts on rick astley's "lights out", before driving to the MCP's location and offering him tron's stamp collection in exchange for not doing evil shit

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-SIX:
"LET'S GO" They get on the solar sailer and puts on some tunes. "on the empty streets of this nowhere town" "TURN THAT OFF" "no taste, tron, no taste" "the heartless are attracted to it!!!" "ah well" The heartless attack and dance to Rick Astley's fresh beats. Eventually, they reach their destination, well over the weight limit. "well that was nice now to KILL THE MCP " "oh um" "hey it's me sark" "who" "just this guy" Jack White brutally beats Sark. "TAKE MY POWER BRO" The MCP gives his power to Sark. "dude not fair" Sark grows super-huge. "fear me and shit" Jack White attacks his shins, killing him. "fuck" Jack White... um... well... he kind of, like... holds his, like, keyblade up to the MCP and shit, but then, like, drains his energy or something? "we did it!!!" "WELL BYE GUYS" Tron hugs the shit out of everyone then leaps to his death. "WELL ONTO THE NEXT WORLD" They exit the computer. "HEY IT'S ME, TRON" "who" "I'M THE NEW MCP GO OUTSIDE" "okay" "HEY IT'S US THE GULLWINGS" "hello" "hello" "SQUALL DIDN'T HAVE ANY TREASURE" "THAT'S LEON YOU FUCKING WHORE" Squall grabs Rikku and strangles her. "well now we have to take your treasure!!!" "er we don't have any" "YOUR ITEMS WILL DO" "sigh" "JUST KIDDING HAVE THIS TREASURE SPHERE" "it features me naked!!!" "of the four of you, squall is the one i least wanted to see naked" "MY NAME IS LEON" It begins raining, um... flower petals. "WHAT THE FUCK" "YOU KNOW THIS TOWN HAD ANOTHER NAME ONCE" "um" "IT WAS RADIANT GARDEN" "that's really gay you know" "old" They leave Hollow Bastion forever.
"HEY WE'RE IN TWILIGHT TOWN" "old" "ARE WE HERE BECAUSE OF THAT PHOTO OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, CHUBBY CHECKER, KIM GORDON AND DAN AUERBACH IN FRONT OF THE OLD MANSION" "no, we're here because it's the only world that has an actual quest" "oh well this is awkward"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

decides not to save the-village from the-monsters because the-villagers totally deserved it from refusing to let the-monsters play with their toys

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-SEVEN:
"help monsters and shit" "why are they here" "well we kind of refused to let them play with our toys an-" "YOU MONSTERS" Jack White storms off in a fit of rage. "hey it's us those guys" "fuck" "HEY IT'S ME, MICKEY MOUSE" "fuck off, mickey mouse" "okay" They head into the mansion. "HEY IT NEEDS A PASSWORD AND SHIT" "try 'password'" "nope" "'password1'" "nope" "'computer'" "nope" "IT'S THOM YORKE THE WISE'S FAVOURITE FLAVOUR OF ICE CREAM" "..." "..." "gee that helps" "try 'washington post'" "GOT IT" "yay" "step into the portal and shit" "are you sure this is safe" "nope" "okay" They head into the portal. "hey look another portal" They hop into the other portal. "HEY IT'S ME, BRIAN MULDOON" "hello" "hello" They team up to defeat loads of nobodies. "wow look at all the experience" "I GOT THIS" "WAIT" Brian Muldoon engulfs the entire area in a blanket of fire. "... that was impressive but i didn't get any experience for it" "old" Brian Muldoon starts fading away. "wat" "you know you kind of remind me of dan auerbach" "fuck" "he totally made me feel like i had a heart and shit" "..." "..." "that is the GAYEST thing i have EVER heard" "butthurt" Brian Muldoon fades away into nothing, and Jack White, Donald and Goofy head to The World That Never Was. "what a shitty name" They head to the big floaty castle thing, when Jack White meets a, er... guy. "hello" "hello" The guy teleports them to a dive to the heart. "another shitty name" The guy summons two keyblades. "oh hi dan auerbach" "... how do you-" "i got the memo" "fuck" Dan Auerbach attacks Jack White.
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

plays the Celtic Guardian in defence mode and proceeds to rely on the rest of his deck that is nothing more than 38 Trap Holes and a Monster Reborn.

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-EIGHT:
"YOU CAN'T ATTACK ME DIRECTLY IT'S THE FIRST TURN ASSGUY" "oh sorry" Dan Auerbach leaves his Comrade of Landstar in attack mode. "um um i place this face down" "my turn!!! i summon obnoxious celtic guardian in attack mode!!!" "you have activated my magi-" "AGAINST THE RULES FAG" "SCREW THE RULES I DON'T EXIST" Jack White sweats. "well this is awkward" "you make a good other" "wat" Jack White is warped back to the real world. "jack white what the fuck" "I DON'T KNOW OKAY" They head into the castle. "HEY IT'S ME, MEG WHITE" "oh hi" "HEY IT'S ME, DAVE GROHL" "fuck off dave grohl" "NEVER" "oh" Dave Grohl equips his guns. "not his guns!!!" Jack White goes into his max-level root beer form and wins the battle decisively. "great" Then they run up some STAIRS "hey jack white look it's jack black" "0/10" "no check it" The three hold hands. "dude this is gay" "CLOSE YOUR FUCKING EYES CUNT" Jack White closes his eyes and is able to sense Jack Black... somehow. "what the fucking fuck fuck fuck" "hello" "jack black you absolute fucking cunt" "uh-oh" "i looked fucking EVERYWHERE you didn't WRITE you didn't CALL i was worried sick!!!" "you sound mad" "FUCK YOU" They head into the next room. "the door is locked" "gee" "we have to participate in a mini-boss rush" "oh boy" "IT'S ME, BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG" "shit" Billie Joe Armstrong traps everyone except Jack White in cards. "gee" "LET'S PLAY A GAME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

whips out his duel disk and summons goofy in attack mode

CHAPTOUR SEVENTY-NINE:
Jack White grabs the Goofy card. "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOUR FRIENDS' CARDS" "shit" Jack White thinks. "OKAY WE PLAY... STRIP SANTA BARBOPOLY" "never heard of it" "GOOD" Jack White rips out the board and dice. "okay i get to be the plunger" "no fair i want to be the plunger" "it's my game i get to be the plunger" "shit" Jack White hands Billie Joe Armstrong the shoe piece. "ah well" The two roll and play. Eventually Jack White captures Park Place, making Billie Joe Armstrong take off his robe. "er" "i knew i should have worn something under this" "i won!!!" Billie Joe Armstrong melts and Jack Black, Meg White, Goofy and Donald become not-cards. "gee" "TO THE NEXT BOSS" "hey it's me sebastian bach" Sebastian Bach traps Jack Black and Meg White behind a barrier. "gee" "see that moon and shit" "um yes" "it is my power source!!!" "OH I KNOW WHAT TO DO" "uh-oh" Jack White summons the Giant Solider of Stone. "destroy the moon and shit" "well um" Giant Soldier of Stone complies, destroying the moon. "WHAT THAT BREAKS THE STORY" "how" "NOW THOM YORKE CAN'T SACRIFICE HIMSELF AND SHIT" "butthurt" "THE PARADOX IS KILLING ME" Sebastian Bach melts. "well that was easy" They head into the next room, where Thom Yorke explodes. "shit" "HEY LOOK AT ME I'M JACK BLACK AGAIN" "fuck" "also i have the best attack in the entire game" "I'LL TAKE IT" They head through some rooms. "HEY IT'S ME, MALEFICENT" "and me, pete!!!" "fuck off pete" "hey we're going to like form a protective barrier here so the heartless can't get you but in exchange we want the castle" "sounds good" They head to the final platform. "why did you destroy my kingdom hearts" "we 'thought it would be funny'" "so why do you hate us guys" "SHUT UP" Chris Martin summons a door and goes through it. "OKAY THERE IS THE FINAL BATTLE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFOREHAND" "yes, in fact"
Jack White hops into the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II and heads to the Collosseum and wins everything, then grinds to level 99 before heading to Hollow Bastion. "hey it's me, sephiroth" "oh let's go get cloud" "FIGHT ME" "what" "FIGHT ME FAG"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

as soon as one-winged angel starts playing, jack white walks over to the jukebox, inserts a quartour and plays jon lajoie's "the best song" instead. everyone knows sephiroth has no power without his awesome theme song and so jack white pokes him with a stick repeatedly to cause him distress

CHAPTOUR EIGHTY:
Sephiroth draws his sword, which is taller than he is. He promptly falls over. "well that was easy" "sin harvest and shit" "OH FUCK NOT AGAIN" Jack White's health is brought down to one, and his magic is drained. "JOKE'S ON YOU I HAVE AN ELIXIR" "fuck" Jack White spams reflega and wins decisively. "oh hey you can't kill me only cloud can" "i doubt that" Jack White bludgeons Sephiroth with both his keyblade and his plunger. "you might break all my bones but i still live!!!" "fuck" They go get Cloud. "hey cloud sephiroth is in a heap on the ground over there" "sweet" Cloud runs off, and the three follow him. "well um cloud wouldn't it be a better feeling if you beat me at full strength" "not really" "fuck" They teleport somewhere. "HEY IT'S ME, TIFA" "oh they just left" "WHY AM I SO USELESS" Jack White stares at Tifa. "oh right" The three then head back to The World That Never Was. "hey we skipped a boss fight here" "oh let's go it" tl;dr: Jack White runs up buildings, does backlips and beats up Chris Martin.
"OKAY LET'S GO" Mickey and Meg White get trapped behind the door. "never expected any different" Jack White hacks through fucking BUILDINGS to get to Chris Martin. "sup" Christ Martin sits in his throne, doing nothing. "come at me bro" Jack White beats him up. "ow ow ow" The ship explodes or something and the four are warped back to the platform. "well that was easy" "hey i'll open a portal" Jack Black cannot open a portal. "HAHA FAG" "hey it's me, dan auerbach i was inside jack white this whole time!!!" "and i'm patrick carney!!! i was inside meg white this whole time!!!" "great" "great" They head back inside their respective hosts. "hey look a portal" Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Pluto and Meg White walk through it, but Jack White and Jack Black hesitate just enough that the portal disappears and the platform starts to collapse. "I HATE YOU JACK BLACK"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

Jack white tries to get an invitation to a fancy dress party wich he wants to attain in a unfancy dress

CHAPTOUR EIGHTY-ONE:
"okay okay i'm gonna die what is something i've always wanted to do" Jack White thinks. "I'VE GOT IT JACK BLACK INVITE ME TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY" "okay um you're invited to my fancy dress party" "okay i'm coming over" Jack White comes over. "WHAT YOU'RE NOT DRESSED FANCY AT ALL" "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE" The platform fully collapses, sending Jack Black tumbling onto a little hovercraft. "i'm not about to complain" Jack White leaps onto the sideplatform, then they rocket off and defeat a giant mechanical dragon. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" "i spiked the punch at the dress party" "shit" They eventually end up in a weird monochromatic world that seemingly goes on forever. Somehow. "HEY IT'S ME, CHRIS MARTIN" "shit" They battle. "well um darkness hearts darkness" "light darkness hearts LIGHT" "shit" Chris Martin disappears forever. "CARRY ME BRO" Jack White carrys Jack Black by his goddamn belt. "hey look a portal" They head through the portal.
The two end up on a beach. "gee" "set me down by the ocean bro" "okay" "if this world is composed of light and darkness... we'll be the darkness!!!" "... is that legal" "we're darkness we don't care!!!" "didn't you already try that and get your ass handed to you by a dead guy" "SHUT THE FUCK UP JACK WHITE" "you sound mad" "ugh" A bottle washes ashore. "hey look!!!" Jack White picks up the bottle. "thinking of you and shit dude this is gay it must be for you" A light appears, and Jack White and Jack Black disappear into it.
TO BE CONTINUED

CHAPTOUR EIGHTY-TWO:
"hello" "hello" Mickey runs up and hugs the shit out of Jack Black. Donald and Goofy hug the shit out of Jack White. Meg White just kind of stands there. "OH SHIT" Jack White gives Meg White her thing back. "gee" Mickey, Donald and Goofy leave forever. "gee"
"HEY A BOTTLE WASHED ASHORE" "oh god not again" Meg White reads it. "oh hey it's from the king he wants you to rid the journal of a virus" "okay" "it involves reliving your first adventure" "AGAIN?!" "man these writers sure are lazy" "this doesn't even count the times dan auerbach went on a shitty adventure" "or the time you went on an adventure then forgot all about it" "SERIOUSLY IF I HAVE TO GO TO HALLOWEEN TOWN ONE MORE FUCKING TIME I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE" "well get your killin' knife ready" "shit"
THE END

CHAPTOUR TWENTY-NINE:
Jack White and the gang return home with the home. "meg white i" "save it the look on your face is enough" Jack White and Meg White embrace. A single tear streams down Jack White's face, then lands on Meg White's face, and begins the streaming process anew. Jack White and Meg White engage in a passionate kiss, and Jack White carries Meg White to bed for some HOT LOVIN TONIGHT. Michelle runs up to Jack Black, and the two embrace. "eeewww" "get a room you two" "NO U" "NO ME"
"lo all" Stevman does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Then Michelle's like "take me home'. THE END.