Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] VIII: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure

BACKSTORY SHIT:
"hey where'd my heart go ROFL" "here have some of mine LMFAO" "thanks PMSL" "btw my name is jack white LOL" "LMFAO"
"hey we brought you this new apprentice" "hello" "..." "I SAID HELLO " "..." "fuck this guy seriously" "hello" "hello" "..." "what is your name where are you from" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "FUCK YOU YOU BROKE HIM" "I DIDN'T MEAN TO HONEST"
A YEAR OR SO LATER:
"hey guys i made these wayfinder things um mine's blue, nigel tufnel yours is yellowy-orange it's kind of gross, jimmy page yours is green" "um thanks" "DON'T MENTION IT I AM HERE TO HELP" "okay" "HEY WE SHOULD REST WE HAVE EXAMS TOMORROW" "NO U" "NO ME"
CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER AND SHIT

CHOOSE FROM
JIMMY PAGE
NIGEL TUFNEL
EMMA RICHARDSON

nigel tufnel!!

NIGEL TUFNEL:
CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hey so like nigel tufnel and emma richardson you are totally gonna become KEYBLADE MASTERS" "oh dear" "fuck yeah" "it's okay guys i'll just watch" Jimmy Page sits in the corner, a single tear streaming down his cheek. Master Eric Clapton summons a bunch of light orbs. "hey i have a funny idea" Master Matt Bellamy infuses the orbs with DARKNESS "oh shit i'll help" Jimmy Page draws his keyblade. "no stop you're too young!!!" "NO U" "NO ME" Jimmy Page, Emma Richardson and Nigel Tufnel defeat the orbs. "gee" "okay now you two fight" "fuck yeah" "no jimmy page fuck off no one likes you" "FUCK YOU I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW I CAN DO WHAT I WANT" Emma Richardson and Nigel Tufnel fight and shit. "oh shit darkness go away darkness shoo not now i promise after class" They fight some more. "stop bros emma richardson you're totally a master now" "sweet" "but you, nigel tufnel, are a disgrace you and your darkness shit fuck you man" "fuck"
"hey you two like you should totally go to different worlds and shit because like these unversed guys who aren't very cool are totally wreaking havok and shit" "oh okay" "AND NIGEL TUFNEL this is your ONE chance to prove to me that you aren't a hopeless fuckhead" "oh shit"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

ignore all outside influences and concentrate on THE TASK AT HAND
also bake cookies for master eric clapton

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"okay no more distractions no more fucking up" Nigel Tufnel puts on his apron and bakes some MOTHERFUCKING CHOCO-CHIP BICKY-WICKIES. "perfect!!!" Nigel Tufnel leaves them outside Master Eric Clapton's door. As he walks away, however, Master Matt Bellamy eats the choco-chip bicky-wickies! "um" "DARKNESS my boy" Master Matt Bellamy leaves forever. "well um" "NIGEL TUFNEL I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING" Jimmy Page runs up to Nigel Tufnel, who proceeds to blast off into SPACE. "... shit" "WOOH OH YEAH WOOH"
"dude where am i" "... how did you get into this castle" "why is this woman in a coma" "er um DARKNESS" "the fiends!!!" Maleficent wills Nigel Tufnel into stealing Aurora's heart. "gee" "you're welcome" Maleficent leaves. "well i don't have anything else important to do here so i'll just run around" Nigel Tufnel runs around. "that was great!!!" Nigel Tufnel blasts the fuck off. "WOAH DUDE what're you doing in my break room" "is that mirror talking" "OH YEAH you should totally kill snow white" "what" "she's kind of a bitch" "er" "SHE THINKS SHE'S FAIRER THAN ME" "... that's just... despicable"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

hunt down snow white and show her NO MERCY also have some tea to be a good host

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"hey snow white" "hello um" "nigel tufnel" "hello nigel" "nigel tufnel" "er" "how would you like if i called you 'snow'" "point taken" "point taken... ?" "point taken nigel tufnel" "come let us have tea" They have some tea. "is it true that you fancy yourself fairer than um... that... chick" "what chick" "she lives in the big creepy castle" "oh her she's all right and pretty fair if i do say so myself" "gee i have been tricked" Nigel Tufnel marches into the castle. "hey you tricked me" "er um LOOK OVER THERE" Nigel Tufnel looks away and the chick jumps out the window. "sigh" "OH LOOK A MAGIC MIRROR" "hello" "mirror mirror on the wall who's that chick who took a fall" "that witch whose manner is most obscene is none other than this kingdom's queen" "that sounds logical not at all illogical" "you can't rhyme logical with illogical as we all know that is not... logical... OH GODDAMMIT" The mirror sucks Nigel Tufnel into it. "woah" The mirror's face multiplies and does the hokey-pokey. "oh my god what"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

bends his wonderful knees and stretches his groovalicious arms (ra ra ra) in such a fantastic manner that the mirrors are green with envy and give up all their information in an attempt to bribe him into telling them his secrets

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
Nigel Tufnel does squats. The most glorious squats ever conceived. "oh shit" The mirror attempts to do squats, but fails miserably. "nigel tufnel on the ground how do you do it get your legs below your proud" "er" "tell me dude i'll um give you half my stick of gum" "well you just kind of do this" "but i am unable i may as well head to the stable" The mirror drops his gum and heads to the stable. "FUCK YEAH" Nigel Tufnel dons his armour and blasts off.
"SOB SOB CRY CRY" "dude what the fuck" "my sisters ruined my outfit" "THE FIENDS"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

tell lame puns in an attempt to make sir sobman stop crying and then drown in the ocean of tears produced by sir sobman

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
Nigel Tufnel cracks his knuckles and cocks his head from side to side. "OKAY" "all i wanted was to go to the ball" "you can go to my ball" "er" "i have two" Nigel Tufnel smirks. "er i thought you were a girl" "wat" "you're wearing a skirt" "IT'S A PANTS" "er" "LIKE SAMURAI WORE" "what's that" "..." "..." Nigel Turnel sighs and wanders off into the forest. "hey bro can you give me a dress" "you're already wearing one" "THESE ARE PANTS" "0/10" "hey it's me" "... how did" "oh some old lady gave me this dress" "er" "..." "um" "ANYWAY time to go fall in love with the prince" She does so. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" "hello" "oh hello emma richardson" "how have you been" "well um" "you haven't been darknessing have you" "UM OF COURSE NOT" "good" "WELL GOTTA GO" Nigel Tufnel blasts off. "he'll totally overcome the darkness and shit i'm not even being sarcastic"
"yo master yen sid what's up" "master matt bellamy is missing" "fuck" "he's in the badlands" "oh sounds good" Nigel Tufnel blasts off for the Badlands. "hello" "hello" "nigel tufnel you should embrace darkness and shit" "but all my life i was raised to think darkness was bad" "oh come on don't be lame" "well... okay" "oh also i accidentally jimmy page's heart and created brad whitford" "gee" "BUT I'M TRUSTWORTHY AS FUCK" "hmm that sounds logical" "so go to hollow bastion and shit" "OKAY" Nigel Tufnel heads to Hollow Bastion, where he chases down an Unversed thing. "HEY YOU" "who me" "YEAH YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE FOR SOME LIGHT READING" "sounds good"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

puts on his hipster reading glasses and enters the house by jumping through the nearest window to further enhance the hipster within

then pulls out his copy of david boogie: the official autobiography and prepares to sit down and not enjoy it

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"WILL I EVER" Nigel Tufnel dons his huge black-framed reading glasses and leaps through the window. "aw yeah" Nigel Tufnel whips out his copy of The Official Autobiography of David Boogie: Boogie All Night Long for. "hmm yes" "well um i had a special book for you to read" "oh" Nigel Tufnel quietly puts away The Official Autobiography of David Boogie: Boogie All Night Long for. "here it is motherfucker" Merlin tosses Nigel Tufnel a copy of Winnie the Pooh: The Official Novelisation of the Film. "oh boy" Nigel Tufnel grabs the copy of Winnie the Pooh: The Official Novelisation of the Film, and dives into it headfirst. "AW YEAH" Nigel Tufnel looks around. "gee" Nigel Tufnel exits Winnie the Pooh: The Official Novelisation of the Film. "well that sucked" "YOUR POWERS HAVE AWAKENED BRO" "gee" Nigel Tufnel heads to the square. "hello" "hello" "hello" Nigel Tufnel, Jimmy Page and Emma Richardson defeat a huge guard armour rip-off. "how original" "hey guys have these lifetime passes to disney town" "JIMMY PAGE GO HOME ALSO YOU NIGEL TUFNEL YOUR DARKNESS IS LAME GET RID OF IT" "I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" Jimmy Page runs off. "I AM ALSO RUNNING OFF" Nigel Tufnel runs off. "sigh"
"HELP NIGEL TUFNEL" "gasp" Nigel Tufnel runs into the sewers. "hey it's me, dave grohl" "hello" "hello" "why is master matt bellamy tied to a post" "tiwbf" "oh"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

reminds dave grohl that this is a serious adventure for serious things and funny is strictly prohibited and he must be mature

then begins searching for love so he can use it to break those chains that bind master matt bellamy

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"dave grohl i must inform you that this is a serious adventure being funny is STRICTLY prohibited" "oh" Dave Grohl sweats. Nigel Tufnel summons his keyblade and attacks Dave Grohl, darknessing his eye out. "ow my eye" Dave Grohl runs off, crying, and Nigel Tufnel uses his darkness to break the chains binding Master Matt Bellamy to the post. "WHAT" "yes darkness can do things faster and more efficiently than love!!!" "gee" "NOW you must go to more worlds and awaken your darkness and shit" "er" "come on i'm a keyblade master i must be right" "well okay" Nigel Tufnel wanders off aimlessly. "NIGEL TUFNEL" Jimmy Page runs up. "GO HOME FAG" "wat" Nigel Tufnel tosses his keyblade in the air and summons his armour, then glides off.
"OH MY GOD UNVERSED" Nigel Tufnel runs after them and gets hit by a car and Queen Minnie drags him off the track, where Chip and Dale revive him. "JESUS WHAT THE FUCK" "ARE YOU RETARDED" "DON'T GO ON THE TRACK FAG" "PLAY BY THE RULES OR ELSE" "but unversed a-" "NO FUCK YOU FAGGOT PLAY BY THE MOTHERFUCKING RULES"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

play by the rules or else

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
Nigel Tufnel carefully reads the rulebook and constructs his own kart. "why does the spedometre go to eleven" "because eleven is louder faster than ten" "why not just make ten be faster and make the highest ten" "... this spedometre goes to eleven" Nigel Tufnel hops into his kart and races the unversed, as well as Huey Lewis and Dewey. Nigel Tufnel wins soundly, as everyone else's spedometre only went to ten. "yay hooray" "this kills the unversed somehow" "jubulations" "YO DAWG I'M TOTALLY VOTING FOR YOU" "ME TOO BRO" "um thanks" Nigel Tufnel blasts off forever.
"YO DAWG WANNA JOIN THE GAAAAAAMES" "sure" "hello it's me hades awaken your darkness" "NO U" "NO ME" "hey it's me zack fair" "hello" "i'm the only final fantasy character in the game" "but but what about squall" "THAT'S LEON YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" Squall swings down from the rafters. "oh hello squall" "MY NAME IS LEON" "go away you're not even in this game" "GET MY NAME RIGHT FAG" "i have been" Squall runs off, crying. "well time for our match" Nigel Tufnel defeats Zack Fair soundly. "gee" Hades posesses Zack Fair and makes him all darknessy, causing him to attack Nigel Tufnel. "stop bro the match is over" "it's not me fag"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

dodges zack fair's attacks by doing some intense breakdancing moves, then casually pulls out his megaphone and lets hades know that two and a half men has been cancelled

then while hades lays in tears on the floor nigel tufnel can pull out his spare tub of un-darknessifying powder and rub it all over zack fair

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"okay what would squall do" "MY NAME IS LEON" "RIGHT" Nigel Tufnel does a handstand and splits his legs. "ow ow ow" Nigel Tufnel dodges and leaps away from Zack Fair's attacks. "no fair stop it" Nigel Tufnel breaks out his megaphone. "hey have you heard the news" "no" "oh" Nigel Tufnel walks off. "WHAT IS THE NEWS TELL ME" Hades' face begins melting. "I CAN'T TAKE IT" Hades heads to the internet to find out the news. Nigel Tufnel chucks darkness block at Zack Fair. "gee" Nigel Tufnel blasts off again.
"hey look a space ship" The space ship abducts Nigel Tufnel. "nuts" "HEY BRO WANNA HELP ME CATCH EXPERIMENT 626" "not really" "GREAT" The Empress gives Nigel Tufnel a gun.
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

watch a pornographic film with his 7th grade class for the purpose of learning all there is to know about the vast world of sexual intercourse and also learning the pain of getting erections while wearing skinny jeans and a belt.

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"i have an idea!!!" Nigel Tufnel grabs Experiment 626 and sits down with him to watch an pornographic educational film about the horrors of intercourse and the excruciating pain of getting an erection while wearing, well, anything. "oh my god what is that thing" "ooh" "EXPERIMENT 626 I DON'T THINK THIS IS APPROPRIATE" Nigel Tufnel ejects the VHS tape. "fuck" "HEY BRO" "hello" "so like experiment 626 was built to destroy" "0/10" "OBSERVE" Doctor Jumba Jookiba throws a capsule into a glass of water. "you're supposed to slip it in covertly!!!" Experiment 626 runs away, and Experiment 221 pops out. "gee" Nigel Tufnel beats the shit out of Experiment 221. "fuck" Nigel Tufnel then blasts off, not caring at all.
"HEY BRO NICE TREASURE" "thanks it is nice" Nigel Tufnel starts to walk off. "bro this treasure is ah light" "oh wow can i have some" "sadly it is all my light and it is under SEIGE from peter pan!!!" "sounds awful" "guard it for me bro" "okay" Nigel Tufnel drags the chest to Skull Rock. "HEY IT'S ME, PETER PAN" "fuck" "koo koo karoo and shit"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

set the controls for the heart of the sun

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
Nigel Tufnel grabs the remote and pilots the chest to the centre of the sun. "aw yeah" "oh fuck" "YOU WILL NEVER GET THE LIGHT FAG" "the what" "..." "there was gold and shit in there" "oh" Nigel Tufnel sweats. "well this is embarassing" "koo koo karoo and shit" "how could i be so stupid" "it's not your fault!!! that captain codfish is a codfisherous codfish codfish codfish" Nigel Tufnel sulks away and heads to a new world.
"HEY JACK WHITE YOU SUCK AND ARE SLOW" "fuck you jack black" Jack White pants at the finish line. "WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK WHITE, AM I TALKING TOO FAST" "fuck you jack black" "WOW THAT BOY LOOKS LIKE HE'D MAKE A GREAT KEYBLADE WIELDER" Nigel Tufnel drops down next to Jack Black. "hey bro grab my shaft" "er okay" Jack Black grabs Nigel Tufnel's shaft. "sweet now you can wield one of these later i do not see how this could cause any problems" "sweet" "COME ON JACK BLACK YOU USELESS FUCKHEAD" "gotta go bro!!!" "I LOVE YOU BRO" "that's gay man" "old" "HEY BRO ERIC CLAPTON IS ABOUT TO KILL JIMMY PAGE" "fuck"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO

makes a bacon and cheese toasty, then runs to eric clapton's breakroom and threatens to eat it and not enjoy it if eric clapton does not let jimmy page go

also before leaving he makes sure jack black has a nice shot lined up on eric clapton with his PEZ sniper rifle in case eric clapton is like "you are bluffing"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
Nigel Tufnel quickly makes a bacon/egg McMuffin and takes it to Master Eric Clapton's house. "LET HIM GO OR I WILL EAT THIS AND NOT ENJOY IT" Master Eric Clapton sweats. "y-you're bluffing" Nigel Tufnel raises the McMuffin in the air, signalling for Jack Black to take the shot at Master Eric Clapton with his Tobasco squirt gun. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Nigel Tufnel grabs Jimmy Page and chucks him into a portal. "but i want to die!!!" "well tough luck fag" Master Eric Clapton, with his last ounce of strength, charges at Nigel Tufnel. Nigel Tufnel uses his darkness to kill Master Eric Clapton handily. "well that sucked" Master Eric Clapton fades to nothing. "... wait" "HAHA I TRICKED YOU INTO DOING MY BIDDING" "why would you do that master matt bellamy i thought you weren't evil even though you clearly were and anybody else would see right through your lies" "tiwbf" "fuck"
Nigel Tufnel heads to the Keyblade Graveyard, where everyone gathers around for a tea party. "hello" "hello" Master Matt Bellamy creates a column of stone and rises millions of feet into the air. "well gee" Master Matt Bellamy summons a rain of keyblades down onto Nigel Tufnel, Emma Richardson and Jimmy Page. "I'LL GO AFTER MATT BELLAMY" "isn't that what he wants you to do" "LA LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING" Nigel Tufnel runs up the stone peak and attacks Master Matt Bellamy. "check it bro, kingdom hearts"
WHAT DOES NIGEL TUFNEL DO