Fire Emblem Fates Intro

CHAPTOUR 01
"good news corrin!!! you know how you've been locked inside this tower for decades?" "yeah check this out; i've been growing out my hair so that it will reach the bottom of the tower and soon a prince will come by and climb up my hair and take me away to someplace that has sunshine" "well your efforts have been wasted because our father, the king of nohr, has decided to invite you to his castle!!!" "oh nice but um i can't walk very well right now" "we'll uh figure something out"
"great job with your training corrin; the time has now come for you to be a warrior of nohr and MURDER HOSHIDAN SOLDIERS!!!" "murder? you mean 'defeat in honourable combat'?" "no; take this sword and slaughter these prisoners of war!!!" "doesn't that violate the geneva convention?" "yes it does!!!" "also this sword is pulsing with darkness and whispering to me, telling me to kill everyone" "that means it's working!!!" "IT HAS AN EYEBALL!!!" "yeah, so? you have two, but i don't bitch about you" The prisoners are marched out, weapons in hand. "NOW!!! FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!" "yes sir!!! i, corrin!!!, will defeat you all!!!" "did you just say corrin?!" "it's a stupid name i know i didn't choose it" "uh nevermind HAVE AT YOU!!!" Corrin defeats the Hoshidans, leaving them defenseless in front of her. "good!!! now KILL THEM ALL!!!" "nah i think they've learned their lesson; get along now you little rascals" The Hoshidans limp away with their lives, leaving Garon incensed. "CORRIN WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" "listen, i know we're at war and all, but wouldn't it be great if we had peace instead?" "th-THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!!" "why not? just give peace a chance man" Garon's eye starts to twitch.

CHAPTOUR 02
"okay corrin i have decided that since you are bad at killing, i'll just make you a scout instead; go to this fort and return with a full report" "can do sir!!! can i get some shoes first though? my feet are awfully sore" "no shoes; i'll give you this bodyguard though" "oh um thanks" Xander walks up to Corrin. "watch your tight little dragon pussy around that guy; that's hans, a bandit father recruited as a soldier; he has raped before" "i'm sure it'll be fine; everyone deserves a second chance!!!"
"HALT NOHRIANS!!! YOU ARE VIOLATING THE DEMILITARISED ZONE!!! TURN BACK AT ONCE OR PREPARE TO DIE!!!" "oh we should-" "HA HA FUCK THAT" Hans charges forward and begins slaughtering Hoshidans. "COME AT ME PUSSIES!!!" "well there goes the peaceful option"
"well we did it no thanks to hans, but the hoshidan reinforcements are quickly closing in" "let's retreat while we still can!!!" Corrin and Gunther run back across the bridge with Felicia lagging behind. "oh hey hans i wondered where you'd-" Hans brutally strikes down Gunther. "okay, rude" As if on cue, Corrin's magical sword drags her into the ravine behind Gunther. "oh no!!!" Lilith suddenly appears, expecting the audience to remember her after her two seconds of screentime, turns into a small dragon, and dives in after Corrin. "oh lilith thanks for saving me" "yeah but now i've used up all my dragon power and i'm going to die" "well, you had a good run" "wanna come with me to the dragon afterlife?" "huh?" "i'll take that as a yes!!!" Lilith drags Corrin to the astral realm. "that's my treehouse; you can stay there as long as you'd like" "how about zero time?" "aw fine" Lilith transports Corrin back to reality, where she is immediately whacked over the head and knocked out.

CHAPTOUR 03
Corrin awakens inside a strange shack. "oh hey it's you!!! the prisoners of war i set free!!!" "yeah, we're taking you to our leader" "really? i spared you and now you're going to have me executed? that's really lame of you" Corrin is escorted to the Hoshido royal palace, where she stands in front of the prince, Ryoma. "hello i'm here for my execution; let's hurry it up, i'm a busy lady" "CORRIN!!! MY BELOVED DAUGHTER!!! YOU HAVE FINALLY RETURNED TO YOUR HOME!!!" Corrin is hugged by a strange milf. "this must be a case of mistaken identity" "no, you're my daughter, and you were taken from us by the king of nohr when you were a baby" "seriously?" "yes; hoshido is your home, and you are a royal princess; ryoma here is your brother" "so ryoma and i are siblings by birth?" "..." "..." "yyyyyyyyyes" "i don't like the pause before your answer; are you lying to me?" "..." "..." "nnnnnnnno" "are you intentionally obfuscating the truth by omitting important details?" "..." "..." "i refuse to answer that question" "i'd say this is the most sketchy situation i've ever been in, but the man i believe to be my father just tried to have me killed so i'm torn" "understandable"

CHAPTOUR 04
"hey sakura, hinoka; this is our sister, corrin" "CORRIN?!" Hinoka runs up to Corrin and begins crying into her chest. "um personal space please?" "I WAS SO SAD WHEN YOU WERE KIDNAPPED!!! I SWUNG A STICK AROUND IN OUR BACKYARD FOR HOURS WAITING FOR THE CHANCE TO SAVE YOU!!!" "dude pick yourself up man; aren't you my older brother?" "sister" "this nation is fucking weird dude; you just have boys flat-out calling themselves girls? is this normal?" "i knew i shouldn't have let sakura cut my hair" "it's the latest style!!!" "maybe for boys"
"YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "wow catchy tune" "thanks it's the only song i know" "so who are you" "i'm azura, the princess of nohr who was kidnapped by hoshido" "oh, just the opposite of what i am told about myself; it's very serendipitous that i would meet another in the same situation" "ha ha yes, quite serendipitous" "enough of that everyone; it's time for the big hoshido festival!!!" Corrin is whisked away to a big festival full of food and merriment. "wow there's nothing like this in nohr" "yeah i'll bet" "you know, maybe if you shared this bountiful harvest with the people dying of hunger in nohr, they wouldn't hate you so much" "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA YOU FUCKING NOHRIAN SPY" Takumi gets straight up in Corrin's face. "I DON'T TRUST YOU AND I DON'T TRUST THE PRINCESS WE KIDNAPPED EITHER" "fair enough"

CHAPTOUR 05
"hello everyone!!! i'd like you all to meet my daughter, corrin!!!" "hey everyone" Just then, Corrin's evil sword fucking explodes, killing her mother. "WHAT!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WHOLE THING WAS AN OVERLY COMPLICATED ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT!!!" Corrin's inner rage explodes, and she turns into a rampaging dragon. "AZURA CALM HER DOWN WITH THAT ONE SONG YOU KNOW" "oh shoot how did that go again? uhhhh" "i don't know something about waves" "OH right!!! YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "oh thanks azura; that song sure is great" "CORRIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! THAT WAS OUR ONLY MOTHER!!! THIS WAS PART OF YOUR PLAN, WASN'T IT?!" "shut the fuck up takumi no one likes you" "hey check out this neat sword we found" The golden sword flies straight into Corrin's hand. "sweet" "th-that's the yato!!! it can only be wielded by the person fated to save the world!!!" "NOW CORRIN IS THE LEGENDARY HERO?! THIS FUCKING SUCKS"
"NOHRIANS!!! AT THE BORDER!!! WE'RE BEING INVADED!!!" "let's go everyone!!!" The Hoshidans march to the border to meet the Nohrians. Corrin's Nohrian siblings are there, staring down Corrin's Hoshidan siblings. Corrin turns to the Nohrians. "corrin my sister!!! oh how i was worried!!! come with us, we will put the fear of god into these nip bastards!!! two nukes was not enough!!!" "i always said you had the devil's own luck sister!!!" "oh my dear corrin!!! come and sit on my wyvern!!! rest your weary head on big sister's lap" "ONEE-CHAN!!!" Corrin turns to the Hoshidans. "corrin, we're your real family; come with us" "GO AWAY YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT" "PLEASE DON'T GO!!! I SWUNG AROUND A STICK IN THE BACKYARD FOR YOU!!!" "o-onee-san..." "wow, what a tough decision i have in front of me"

WHERE SHOULD CORRIN GO?!
Hoshido
Nohr
kill 'em all and let god sort 'em out