Fire Emblem: Dumb Broad

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"LORD MYCEN we need your help to protect zofia from rigel's invading force!!!" "no way fag" Mycen spins and returns to his dwelling. "now what do i do" "my friends and i will join your army" "yes, you five teenagers will do nicely in wartime combat; let's roll" Lukas leads Alm and his friends out of their home and off to war.
"and this here is the bandits' den; wanna check it out?!" "yeah yeah!!!" Lukas leads the kids into the bandits' den, where a young cleric is tied up. "are you here to rescue me?" "that wasn't our original intention, but what the hell, let's do it" "hey thanks; i'm silque, i was captured by these bandits and i believe they were going to sacrifice me to their pagan gods" "i think they wanted to rape you" "ha i'd like to see them try; i'm wearing six chastity belts"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"well, here we are at the deliverance hideout; that there is our leader, clive" "psst hey forsyth i'm going to play an epic prank on fernand check it out" "hey clive i couldn't bring mycen but look it's his grandson!!!" "hi" "YOU THERE GRANDSON OF MYCEN YOU ARE THE NEW LEADER OF THE RESISTANCE" "WHAT" "WHAT" "WHAT" "CLIVE YOU BUFFOON YOU CLOD HOW COULD YOU DO THIS I AM DEFECTING TO OUR SWORN ENEMY" "chill out bro it was just a prank" "A PRANK THAT WENT TOO FAR; IF THIS IS THE FUTURE OF ZOFIA THEN LET IT ALL BURN" Fernand leaves in a huff. "so uh clive are you really going to make alm the leader of the resistance" "eh sure why not; i clearly have a problem with defection under my command"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"this is it, the zofian castle, currently occupied by rigel's forces" "if only fernand were here to see us now" "YOU CALLED FUCKERS?" "oh hey fernand what's up" "i've defected to rigel" "but you hate rigel" "i hate peasants more" "dude no peasants are great" "you sicken me; i'm going to leave now and leave desaix in charge despite the fact that if we all worked together here, we'd defeat you all easily" "thanks for the help old buddy" "fuck off clive"
"well that was easy" "i'm glad rigel is horrible at strategy" "hey look alm it's celica" "oh celica i haven't seen you since we were kids what's up" "why are you in the castle" "oh i joined the army; we just repelled the invading force and now we're going to invade rigel so we can stop innocent people from getting killed in a prolonged conflict" "WHAT THAT'S TERRIBLE ALM YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DECIDE" "clive" "AND WHO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO DECIDE" "i don't know it all kind of went to shit when that idiot princess disappeared" "IDIOT PRINCESS?! I FUCKING HATE YOU ALM" Celica storms off in a huff, leaving Alm confused. "she's a real peach isn't she" "mark my words lukas; by the end of this, i am going to tap that"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"my name is berkut, i fucking HATE peasants; have at you!!!" Alm's group of peasants defeats Berkut in battle. "HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED BY PEASANTS?!" Berkut runs off back to the castle. "hello honey how was work" "oh my dear rinea, it was awful; i was defeated by PEASANTS" "oh they must have cheated" "i know right?! but i'll show them next time, my beloved"
"oh hey berkut how's life" "SILENCE PEASANTS!!! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DEMISE!!!" The peasants defeat Berkut again. "DAMN WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! HOW COULD I BE DEFEATED BY AN ARMY OF PEASANTS?!" Berkut runs off to the emperor of Rigel. "tell me uncle; how do i defeat that peasant alm?!" "alm? a peasant? HA, i say!!! HA!!! alm is my son" "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" "and he's way cooler than you, loser" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Alm's army marches up to Berkut one final time. "this time i will not be defeated by you peasants; i am about to obtain UNLIMITED POWER!!!" Berkut straps his beloved Rinea into the machine some weird priest gave him. Rinea bursts into flames and screams in agony as her lifeforce powers Berkut's spear. "HAVE AT YOU, PEASANTS!!!" Alm defeats Berkut again. "I STILL FAILED!!! after i sacrificed my beloved rinea too" "it's okay i forgive you; let's frolic together in the afterlife" "it's a date" Berkut and Rinea skip off into the afterlife.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"EMPEROR OF RIGEL!!! YOUR DEFEAT IS AT HAND!!!" Alm stabs the emperor through. "well done, my son" "wha-YOU'RE MY FATHER?!" "yeah lmao" "shit"
"hello i am the high priest jedah; you may have heard of me" "can't say i have" "well celica came by my place the other day asking me to not kill you" "oh that's nice of her" "yeah and i asked her, in return, to offer her mortal soul to me AND SHE ACTUALLY DID IT!!! THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN!!!" "and now i take it that you're going to kill me anyway" "well not quite; i can now revive my god, duma, and he'll be YOUR duma!!!" "sweet pun bro but i've already stabbed you while you were making it" "damn foiled again"
"oh alm thanks for saving me" "no problem" "let us start a new life together as king and queen of valentia and have many beautiful children" "i don't know if that's a good idea; you would definitely pass down good looks, but i really don't want my kids inheriting your complete and utter stupidity; i'm gonna bone that priestess i found in the bandits' den instead" "fair enough"
THE END