Fire Emblem Fates: Full Retard

continued from the prologue

CHAPTOUR 06
"you know what? fuck this, i'm not going to decide whether to kill the only family i've known for all my life until now or these weebs who claim to be my actual real family; i'm going to kick both their asses and make peace through strength" "what? seriously? lol, lmao" "what's so funny azura?" "nothing; let's go do it, it'll be hilarious" "HEY GUYS I JUST SHOWED UP WHAT ARE WE UP TO" "oh hey felicia, we're refusing to be an active participant in this war" "oh, good!!!" "instead, we are going to fight every motherfucker out here" "oh i-WHAT."
"corrin what the FUCK!!! have you no nohrian honour?! why did you kill my troop commander?!" "corrin you little shit!!! have you no hoshidan pride?! why did you kill my troop commander?!" "i just want you all to stop fighting and listen to me" "well if that's how it's going to be, i am going to inform all of nohr that you are a traitor corrin" "and i am going to inform all of hoshido that you are a traitor as well" Xander and Ryoma leave. "seriously though corrin what did you expect would happen" "i thought they'd see how easily i dispatched their troop commanders and defer to me as the strongest" "well now instead of making an enemy of one nation, you've managed to make an enemy of both; good job" "so now what" "i know a place where we can lay low; follow me"

CHAPTOUR 07
"this is the bottomless canyon where hans was trying to forcibly open my tight little dragon pussy" "yes, we're diving in" "woah woah woah woah listen milord i just got here a little bit ago and you've already made us enemies of two nations and now we're going to plummet into a bottomless canyon? we'll certainly die either of starvation or by discovering that the name 'bottomless canyon' is, in fact, a misnomer" "felicia, we've got to trust azura; she's my sister" "but she's so vague and mysterious!!! that never ends well!!!" "you're welcome to stay here and get arrested for treason" "coming, milord" "don't hit your head on the way down"
"where are we now" "this is the invisible kingdom of valla" "never heard of it" "first rule of invisible kingdom: don't talk about invisible kingdom" "why not" "you'll blow up" "seriously?" "yes, valla is responsible for the war between nohr and hoshido yet no one can mention it upon fear of exploding" "wait seriously?" "i've said enough for now; it wouldn't be very vague and mysterious of me to continue"

CHAPTOUR 08
"corrin milord i am back baby" "GUNTHER MY FRIEND!!! i thought hans killed you!!!" "nope, i'm fit as a fiddle; but what about you? is your tight little dragon pussy okay?" "tighter than ever before, thanks for asking" "good, good; let's get back to nohr, where we are both trusted members of the army in good standing" "uh about that"
"INTERLOPERS!!! LEAVE THIS KINGDOM AT ONCE!!!" "azura i thought you said this place was safe" "i said no such thing" "YOU WERE WARNED; ATTACK, MY MINIONS!!!" "let's get out of here" "when dusk turns to dawn, when dawn turns to dusk, then the door will rust" "huh?" "wait shit i got it wrong: when dawn turns to dusk, when dusk turns to dawn, then the door will spawn" "could you please be less cryptic for once in your life?" "we have eleven chaptours until the door to the invisible kingdom closes forever and we lose our chance to end the real war and not just the proxy war above" "oh, charming"

CHAPTOUR 09
"so this is fort jinya, an important hoshidan defensive position" "great, let's go inside and have a civilised conversation with the commander" Corrin knocks on the door, and it is answered by Yukimura. "yukimura my man i need to speak with you" "silence, traitor" "oh not this again" "you killed lady mikoto, your own mother!!!" "that was an accident" "i'll take care of him" Saizo bursts in, and begins glowing red. "what are you doing" "HNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHH ONCE I AM DONE CHARGING MY ULTIMATE ATTACK, YOU AND I ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL" "uh-" "HNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH" Just then, Kaze and Sakura show up. "p-please don't hurt m-my onee-san" "brother stop; corrin's cool" "fine, i'll listen to what she has to say, but i'm leaving my ultimate attack half-charged" "the red glow is kind of distracting" "HNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHH" "okay okay: someone in a land far away has orchestrated the war and the assassination of my mother" "what land far away" "i uh can't tell you" "oh, i see: imaginationland" "waste of time" "i'm going back to charging now HNNNNNNGGGGGGGHHHHHH" "n-no stop!!! i-i-i believe in my onee-san" "fine, go then; i'll just sit here and cancel my ultimate attack; it would have looked really cool though"

CHAPTOUR 10
"oh no giant monsters!!!" Corrin slices and dices, and the monsters turn into regular humans. "uh you all saw that right? not just me?" "yeah that's weird" "these are wind tribe members" "we ought to go inform their next of kin" "better idea: let's skedaddle out of here and pretend it never happened" "i like it; it's not like we'd be able to recruit anyone even halfway useful in the wind tribe village anyway"
"hello my diggity-dogs and wiggity-welcome to izumo!!! i'm your higgity-homeboy izana!!!" "oh wise master izana please tell us all you know about the seal of flames" "where'd you pull that one out of" "i got a fortune cookie that said 'ask izana about the seal of flames'" "really? you listen to those?" "azura, what is this i hear? you fail to heed the wisdom of the fortune cookies?!" "the last one i opened told me to put on some shoes and get a haircut and i said 'no thank you' and i haven't worn a pair of shoes or gotten a haircut in 20 years" "and what's happened in those 20 years?" "i got kidnapped, my adoptive mother died, and my original home and my new home went to war against eachother" "if you'd heeded the fortune cookie none of that would have happened" "yeah but then i couldn't do this" Azura drops her lance, picks it up with her toes, and spins around fast enough that her hair whips into Izana and knocks off his disguise. "ZOLA?! it was you we weren't talking to this whole time?!" "uh uh check this out!!!" Zola drops bomb, covering the whole area in ice. "well this is inconvenient" "and it never would have happened if you'd just obeyed the fortune cookie"

CHAPTOUR 11
"so you think you have me cornered, do you? me, ZOLA?! well check THIS OUT" Zola grabs Sakura as a hostage. "H-HELP ME ONEE-SAN" "that is such a pussy tactic; put her down and fight me like a man" "i am fighting you like a man; a man with a hostage" Just then, a small forest of trees sprouts from the ground, killing Zola. "leo!!! what good fortune!!! thank you for taking that pussy out and saving me the effort" "just like the effort you took to betray nohr?" "about that listen: i learned a startling truth!!! king garon is being manipulated into warring with hoshido!!!" "really?! quickly, tell me the name of the manipulator" "uh well you see-" "i knew it; fantastic drivel straight from your imagination" "but-" "spare me; instead, turn your attention toward the room behind you, where that wretch zola was keeping the real izana and that dumb nohrian prince taco meat; leo out" Leo teleports away.
"WHAT IS UP MY HIGGITY-HOMEBOYS?! IZANA IN DA HOUSE!!!" "and here i thought that zola was just bad at impersonation" "he was truly a savant" "hello little miss matricide" "oh hey takumi what's up" "i still hate you" "fair enough; join my army though" "and betray hoshido?! never" "yo yo wait wait wait up there tiggity-takumi, the gods just sent down a super-priggity-prophetic vision and stuff!!! they totally say to go with corrin because there's evil afoot much more rascally than king garon yo" "fine but i still hate you" "fair enough" "also re:your inquiry into the seal of flames correy? idk lmao" "oh, joy" "now brb i need to go ask an ancient god where you should go next"

CHAPTOUR 12
"izana, what did the ancient god say" "four simple words: 'go see the dragon'" "um anything else?" "no more words, no, but he did drain all my lifeforce so i'm like totally dying and stuff!!!" "WHAT." "i was told there'd be a light and i'm like really disappointed; regardless, pour one out for your higgity-homeboy" Izana slumps down dead. "ripperoni in pepperoni" For a lack of alcohol, Corrin pours out the rest of Hana's vulnerary. "hey i was going to drink that eventually"
"look over there, it's saizo's smoke signal" "is he in danger?" "yes, such grave danger, in fact, that he has consigned himself to his fate and is telling us to avoid him" "or maybe he found a stash of pirate treasure and is hoarding it all to himself!!!" "oh that is so like him; let's get in there"
"no, he is definitely getting attacked by ninjas and now we are as well" "he should have made it clear that he was actually in danger and not just faking it to keep us away from his treasure then" "i'll have a word with him about it"

CHAPTOUR 13
"hello lady corrin, i am kagero, retainer to lord ryoma" "i didn't know he featured strippers in his retainer lineup" "the exposed bosom is an advanced ninja technique, meant to distract our enemies" "they are certainly distracting" "i have a message from lord ryoma: he has left to gather rebel support in the nohrian village of cheve" "okay got it, i'll tell the men; MEN, ryoma has left us a mess, we are to meet him in the village of cleavage" "that's almost what i said"
"now that we've chartered this ship, we have nothing but open sailing ahead, so you should catch up on your backlog of sleeping hours you've missed" "i don't think that's how sleeping works" "isn't that what bears do? sleep all winter to make up for not sleeping much during the summer?" "oh hmm" Just then, the ocean freezes solid. "that's odd, the weatherman said it would sunny today" "yeah, odin dark of WNOR action news 5 said he could feel the tremors of the incoming sunlight howling in his veins; a dark portent unmistakable to one of such powerful destiny" "LADY CORRIN; GIGANTIC TITTIES OFF THE PORT BOW" Corrin turns to her left. "THAT'S STARBOARD" Corrin continues turning to her left, as if she knew what she was doing all along, and spies Camilla. "corrin my beloved little sister, you have been naughty" "well-" "king garon has asked me personally to snuff out your traitorous life, and i can't disobey" "i haven't betrayed anyone, i'm working to protect both nations from their true enemy" "then why are all your soldiers hoshidans" "uh gunther's here" "hi" "oh hi; regardless, flora and i are going to have to end you, but you won't be alone in the afterlife for long, because i'm coming right after you"

CHAPTOUR 14
"i am defeated; run your big sister through with your mighty blade, corrin; i lay down my life to you" "so you've given up hope of returning home?" "yes" "then join my army" "that's an even better idea; i was just going to die instead but i clearly still have so much to give" "yeah, tomorrow's titty tuesday" "you're right, and that means today is milker monday!!! we've no time to lose!!!"
"well here we are, cyrkensia" "has it always looked so run-down?" "no, that's new" "YOU NOHRIAN FUCK!!! CYRKENSIA WAS A BEAUTIFUL TOWN UNTIL YOU DESTROYED IT!!!" "LIES!!! HOSHIDAN LIES!!! WE DID NO SUCH THING; IT WAS YOU WHO DESTROYED CYRKENSIA!!!" "HOW DARE YOU!!!" "1V1 ME FAGGOT" "stop you two, can't you see that invisible enemies have destroyed the town, duping you both?!" "how can i see anything if it's invisible" "uh-" "regardless, ON GUARD!!!" "it's 'engarde' you mentally disabled weeb" "no it's not, 'on guard' is just a thing i've always said, right takumi?" "i've never heard you say it before" "fine be that way" "i was just telling the truth" "while we're telling truths, i'll just tell yukimura that you were the one who stole those cabbages; he'll have a feel day with that information" "seriously? i was like six" "and the statue of limitations on cabbage-theft in hoshido is twenty years; you're going my way for a long time takumi" "all because i wouldn't back your mistaken hearing of 'engarde'?" "people who criticise graham hammers are a diamond dozen, but when it gets down to brass stacks, siblings who always stand by their bros are something i would never take for granite, right sakura?" "p-please buy a dictionary" "i've had enough of this; YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "all of a sudden due to that sublime melody, i don't feel like fighting any more" "me either" "it may, for all intensive purposes, be a doggy dog world out there, but songs like this are a blessing in the skies that i can put on a petal stool; they make me more of a taller ant person, and i am now willing to swallow my prize and here you out" "suddenly, i feel like fighting again"

CHAPTOUR 15
"before we go ryoma, do you know anything about a dragon" "no, but the rainbow sage might" "what's some old faggot going to tell us? to molest children?" "among other things" "well i guess we can check it out since we have nothing else to do"
"well here we are at the port" "HALT TRAITOR!!!" "corrin you need to stop announcing where we are; every time you do that, we get attacked" "sorry i'll try my best" "CORRIN!!! SO WE MEET AGAIN!!!" "huh?" "IT IS I, YOUR BEST FRIEND, SILAS!!! KING GARON HAS ORDERED YOUR EXECUTION!!!" "never heard of you" "wha-what" "you are a stranger" "ow, right in the feelings; i cried thirty times on the way here, not wanting to kill my best friend, and she doesn't even know who i am" "are you sure you're not mistaking me for someone else" "i think thirty-one is coming" As Silas begins to cry, a thunderous cacophony of hooves approaches from behind. "ONEE-CHAN!!!" "elise!!! i'm glad you could make it; how did you get xander and leo to let you come" "oh that's an easy one; i told them i was going out to get some milk" "slick" "and it's not even a lie!!! i'm here in time for milker monday!!!" "it's titty tuesday" "oh darn"

CHAPTOUR 16
"hey pretty lady!!! my name is elise!!! i love your hairstyle!!!" "go away you damn brat can't you see i'm working? i'm a border guard" "you seem really tense; is the border not paying you well? you should join our army and be a royal guard instead!!!" "r-royal? and you said-OH!!!~ princess elise~!!! i would be ever-so delighted to join your wonderful army~!!!" "all right, but first quick question for the paperwork: are you bipolar or is this an intentional façade?"
"oh corrin i just can't do it; i can't kill my best friend in the world" "listen, cyrus-" "silas" "i've never heard of you before in my life, and i'm pretty sure felicia is my best friend" "really? the 'we've got trouble' girl?" "she's cute as hell don't even give me that" "well, didn't expect that" "it's okay dude, you can still join our army if you'd like" "might as well; not like i've got anything else to do except get executed"

CHAPTOUR 17
"hello traveller" "hi, nice hut; we're looking for the rainbow sage" "he lives atop that large mountain over there" "does he ever come down to the village from his mountain" "no, he never leaves the mountaintop" "how does he get food then" "pardon?" "if he never leaves the mountaintop, how does he get food? to eat? and continue to survive?" "you know, that's a great question; you should ask him yourself"
"we've finally arrived; the rainbow sage is just beyond this door" Corrin opens the mountaintop door and ends up in a nice hut. "this nice hut seems familiar" "indeed, i am the rainbow sage" "so you were here the whole time" "yes; i offer those who wish to see me two tests: those who have the wisdom to see through my charade get what they desire without toil; the idiots have to climb the mountain" "i can't decide whether to be angry or impressed" "either way, you passed; you can ask me up to 5,387 questions" "wow-" "MINUS the number of times you called me a faggot on the way up the mountain" "um i totally never-" "and by my count, you called me a faggot a grand total of 5,386 times" "so how many questions does that leave me with" "one, and you just asked it" "wait can i get a do-over" "no, i'm dying now; i was given the lifespan remaining to answer one more question and you blew it on something stupid"

CHAPTOUR 18
"hey corrin this book in the dead guy's study says that if you get all four brotherly legendary weapons together with the weird sword you found in the prologue, it will create the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ" "what book is that" "it's called the 'prima strategy guide'" "what else does it say" "it says that if you put hana and saizo next to eachother in battle, they'll fall in love" "really? saizo? with hana? what would they even have to talk about?" "steamed buns" "and then saizo steams her buns?" "it appears that way"
"well, here we are; bottomless canyon" "is it just me, or does it look a bit more uh on fire than usual" "that would be my doing" "oh no, hans!!!" "i'm coming for that tight little dragon pussy!!!" "oh no!!!" "NOT ON MY WATCH!!!" Ryoma appears and slices through Hans's soldiers. "big brother you came!!! and you brought my other hoshidan brother!!!" "for the last time, i'm a girl" "0/10 and i'd better not see you coming into the girls' bathroom after me weirdo"

CHAPTOUR 19
"well, hans has been killed" "and it looks like he's brought a lot of backup" "i guess this is the end" "NOT ON MY WATCH!!!" Xander appears and slices through the remaining soldiers. "big brother you came!!! and you brought my other nohrian brother!!!" "yes, we arrived as soon as we-" "HARK!!! BY THE WHIMS OF DESTINY, THE CHOSEN HERO ARRIVES FROM THE UMBRA!!! THE VILLAINOUS FORCES FROM THE DARKNESS CANNOT HIDE FROM A YET DARKER ADVERSARY, ONE WHO KNOWS NAUGHT BUT THE INKY BLACK OF NIGHT, FOR HE IS THE THESIS OF THAT WHICH SHUNS THE LIGHT; THE ONE TRUE HERO OF MIDNIGHT!!! ODIN DARK!!!" "glad to have you here"
"so we're all here, bottomless canyon; what now" "i know you're all wondering why i assembled you all here today, and i will tell you all shortly, but first, we must take one more action before i can reveal it all to you; follow my lead" Corrin begins to stretch, then dives over the edge of the cliff. "CANNONBALL!!!" Corrin does the mother of all cannonballs as Azura dives off the edge. "FLYING SQUIRREL!!!" Azura perfectly executes the flying squirrel, but everyone else is hesitant. "THIS DIVING CHALLENGE IS NO MATCH FOR THE CHOSEN HERO OF THE DARK!!! BEHOLD!!! MY ULTIMATE DIVE!!! HELL'S RIGHTEOUS FURY IV - DARKEST INFERNAL LEMONDROP!!!" Odin rolls off the edge in sublime lemondrop form. "hey guys i found a ladder" "PUSSIES"

CHAPTOUR 20
"see? nothing to worry about" "okay where are we though" "this is the invisible kingdom of valla; first rule of invisible kingdom: don't talk about invisible kingdom" "why" "you'll blow up" "oh, that's a good reason" "so how do you guys know all this stuff anyway" "well i suppose i've kept it in long enough: i, azura aqua archera smith, am actually a princess of the invisible kingdom" "oh that makes total sense" "yes, ever since my family was killed and the dragon god anankos took over valm, i have had one goal: defeat him, and reclaim my favourite vacation spot" "pardon?" "valla park resort was beautiful; it had waterslides, five-star dining, and even a foosball table!!! then anankos came and replaced it with a costco" "that bastard" "i could forgive him for murdering my father and even my mother, but the way he demolished that foosball table still gives me nightmares" "i'll bet"

CHAPTOUR 21
"hello everyone!!! enjoying your visit to the invisible kingdom?" "blue hair, yellow eyes; could you be azura's sister?" "no, that's my mother's corpse, being paraded around by anankos" "well well i never would have guessed this fine young lady was old enough to be a mother!!!" "laslow, not now" "my fair lady miss smith, please do me the honour of tea" "i've come to kill you all" "surely, we can work something out? something that involves tea?" "laslow, she's nothing more than anankos's meat puppet" "yes, and i want to stick my meat into that puppet"
"oh azura now that i am dying, i remember being your mother" "you're no longer a meat puppet?!" "right, now i am your mother and my last memory before my death will be of you calling me a meat puppet and then stabbing me through the chest" "uh i didn't mean it that way" "what other way could you possibly mean it?!" "uh i uh" Azura's mother dies, leaving everyone feeling a bit upset.

CHAPTOUR 22
Corrin walks through the maze the party has found themselves in, and is accosted by a bright light. "hello corrin my child; it is i, your mother" "0/10 not falling for it" "listen i know you've been tricked by dead mothers in the past, but this is different; azura's mother didn't acknowledge their familial bond until after she had been stabbed, and i'm doing it without any stab wounds" "i will admit that that is odd" "listen: the maze has three doors, behind one is the way forward, but behind the other two are goats; if you open one door, the other two will be forever closed to you" "why goats" "because anankos wants to add insult to injury; not only are you trapped here forever, but now you have a goat to take care of" "so do i just pick a door blindly? i like this blue door here" "i can use my power to show you what is behind one of the other doors; check this out" Mikoto opens a door, behind which is a goat. "dodged that bullet" "now corrin listen: statisticians say that you should switch your door choice here" "huh? but now it's a 50/50; both doors are just as likely to contain the way forward" "no, now the door you didn't pick has a 66% chance of being the way forward" "how does that work" "you see, anankos would never open the door with the way forward, and will always reveal a goat" "that makes sense, but anankos didn't open the door, you did" "uh-" "you're trying to trick me into swapping doors when, in fact, this nice blue door was the correct door all along; 'statistician' isn't even a real job" Corrin opens the blue door, successfully defeating Mikoto's devious trick.

CHAPTOUR 23
"what's up with this giant head" "I AM ANANKOS; BOW BEFORE ME" "i think i'd rather slice your weird face thing open" Corrin slices, but fails to dice. "not even a scratch, human, but check THIS out" Anankos breathes a ball of fire, wiping out the most powerful members of the party. "i knew that rainbow asshole was fucking with me" Corrin holds the Yato high in the air, about to throw it to the ground in disgust, but it and her brothers' weapons begin glowing. The Yato transforms into a chainsaw. "holy shit this is sweet" "could this be the legendary Fire Emblemᵀᴹ?!" "and now let us put our lives in the hands of the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Fates" "i knew we'd be able to get the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ If we believed hard enough" "shut up weeb" Corrin strikes at Anankos with her chainsaw-sword, breaking his stone face. "ow fuck dude that hurt; YO GARON HELP A HOMEBOY OUT" "sup bitches GARON IN THE HOUSE!!!" "f-father?! small world" "indeed, and soon it will belong to the homeboys; garon and anankos!!! i even made these matching 'garonankos' sweaters" "thank you for bringing me my snack" "uh i didn't-" Anankos gobbles up King Garon. "i definitely didn't see that one coming" "and now for my next snack: YOUR TIGHT LITTLE DRAGON PUSSY!!!" "oh no!!!"

CHAPTOUR 24
Anankos breaks out of the wall, his full dragonic form flying into the air. "i liked it better when he was just an ugly stone face" "yeah i'm thinking we should give up" "agreed" "OH COME ON" "face it corrin, all hope is lost" "let's just resign our Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Fates to being killed by this big dragon and probably eaten" "that is bullshit and you know it; i didn't march my ass across the entire continent BAREFOOT and dive into a bottomless pit BAREFOOT just to give up because he's a dragon!!!" "we passed several shoe stores on the way here" "regardless of her footwear situation, corrin is right" "okay men, CHARGE!!!" "i'll sing a super-cool remix of my song: YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" Pumped up by Azura's hot remix, Corrin and the royals slash at the dragon's hands, then face. Once the face has been sufficiently slashed, Anankos turns into a big floating orb with a dozen eyeballs on it. "what the fuck" "where did that come from" "anankos, explain" "he can't talk, he doesn't have a mouth any more" "i guess we'll never know why this happened" "or be able to sleep again"

CHAPTOUR 25
"and for defeating that weird eyeball thing, we declare you, corrin kamui garonson, queen of the invisible kingdom of valla" "i wrote a new song just for this occasion: YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "that's the same song you always sing" "is it? well that's embarrassing"