Fire Emblem Fates: Pacifism

continued from the prologue

CHAPTOUR 06
"well obviously i'm going to choose the family i've known my whole life that loves me a whole lot; the one reservation i have is about king garon trying to kill me, but i'm sure my beloved siblings will help out on that front" "oh our beloved sister corrin has returned to us!!!" "CORRIN YOU SHIT" "sorry ryoma, but i can't just turn my back on the family i've always known; i hope we can still be friends" "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BAKA GAIJIN!!!" Ryoma slashes at Corrin with his hanzo steel katana, folded over 9000 times. Xander quickly rides in and drives Ryoma off. "DAMN NIP BASTARDS; TWO NUKES WAS NOT ENOUGH!!!"
"KING GARON WE HAVE RETURNED" "did you kill many hoshidans while you were out?" "yessir, hundreds" "excellent" "also: we've brought corrin back" "wha-you came back?! seriously?! what are you, some kind of idiot?" "uh-" "you absolute imbecile, you rube, you moron" "i get it, i'm a clod" "your buffoonery amuses me, so i will give you another task" "oh boy" "go and slaughter the ice tribe all by yourself; now away with you"

CHAPTOUR 07
"man this forest sure is dark; i'd hate for a monster to pop out and tear off my clothes and pound my tight little dragon pussy" As if on cue, a monster attacks Corrin. "oh no!!!" Corrin is about to be violated when Felicia throws a dagger from the side. "oh thanks felicia" "don't mention it" "oh but i must thank you FOR MAKING ME FAIL MY TASK ALREADY!!!" "b-but your tight little dragon pussy!!!" "whatever; let's just go" "i'm not the only one who came to help though" "really? did everyone in nohr want me to fail at my one task?" "yes, this is your best friend silas" "never heard of him" "and this is your cute little sister elise and her retainers" "wow i had no chance at succeeding did i? thanks for not believing in me" "any time"

CHAPTOUR 08
"greeting ice tribals; we have come on behalf of king garon to slaughter you all" The tribals ready their weapons. "well that took an entirely expected turn" "really? i, for one, can't believe that the ice tribe would take such objection to their own demise and ruin as a culture" "onee-chan!!! leo sent his retrainers to help us!!!" "oh that was very nice of-" "TREMBLE!!! YOU ICY VILLAINS!!! FOR TODAY YOU MEET YOUR END!!! I!!!, ODIN DARK!!!, RETAINER TO THE GREAT PRINCE LEO OF NOHR!!!, AM HERE TO CAST OUR FIERY VENGEANCE UPON YOU!!! MY CURSED BLOOD BOILS WITH FURY UNTOLD!!! YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED BY THE HERO OF JUSTICE!!!" "wait HOLY SHIT IS THAT OWAIN FROM Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening?!" "yeah!!! when you're a prince of nohr, you've got the clout to pull in the big-name retainers!!!" "so elise do you have a retainer from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening?" "no unfortunately; i was asked if i wanted a retainer from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening and i said 'nah' but it was misinterpereted as me not wanting one when i actually wanted the dragon girl from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening" "ouch" "should have said gerome in retrospect" "he wouldn't have come; he's such an emo little whiner" "who does that even leave?" "kjelle?" "ew; i want nothing to do with that nutty nuissance" "noire?" "too scary" "brady?" "oh that's a good one; next time i'll ask for him for sure"

CHAPTOUR 09
"father we have returned after completing the task" "great work; i was just kidding about the whole 'by yourself' thing anyway" "oh good" "next task: slaughter everyone in notre sagesse" "on it" "hey onee-chan!!! i know a shortcut!!!" "lead the way elise" Elise leads Corrin to a dead dragon. "this is a nohrian prison that's been taken over by those damn dirty nip bastards!!! TEACH 'EM A LESSON, ONEE-CHAN!!!" "hey what's this small child doing out here" "FOOL i am no mere child!!! TREMBLE BEFORE THE DARK MIGHT OF NYX!!!" "oh are you related to owain?" "i wish"
"hey the hoshidans had a prisoner should we execute her?" "bring her to me; if she grovels at my feet, i may just spare her life" "on it boss" Silas drags Azura before Corrin. "oh it's you; join our army or whatever" "very gracious of you, sister" "yeah yeah and who's this?" "the hoshidan commander; we captured him" "JOIN OUR ARMY HOSHIDAN GENERAL!!!" "NEVER!!!" "fine then; throw him in the brig, then ask him again later" "can do boss"
"hoshidan general, what is your name?" "haitaka" "haitaka, please join our army" "no" "fine then" Corrin leaves then comes back five minutes later. "haitaka, please join our army" "oh all right"

CHAPTOUR 10
"okay boss good news and bad news" "what's the good news" "i've secured us passage on a ship" "and what's the bad news" "the hoshidans have taken the port and want to kill you" "oh that is so like them" Corrin and her army fight off the Hoshidans, but they just keep coming. "we're doomed!!!" "CORRIN MY SWEET!!!" "CAMILLA!!! you're just in time to help us fight the hoshidans!!!" "oh corrin you silly goose!!! it's titty tuesday!!! you know what that means!!!" "the same thing it meant yesterday on milker monday, and before that on funbag friday" "don't make light of funbag friday; it's one of our proudest nohrian traditions"
With the help of Camilla, Corrin's army drives out the Hoshidans with enough time left to properly celebrate Titty Tuesday. "you've lost takumi; run back home to mommy OH WAIT YOU CAN'T" "DUDE NOT COOL she was your mother too" "we never got a blood test done, so i remain skeptical as to the veracity of those claims" "I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!" Takumi runs home with his tail between his legs. "ONCE MORE BITTERSWEET JUSTICE HAS BEEN DEALT TO THE EVILDOERS BY NONE OTHER THAN ODIN DARK!!! BUT NO!!! MY CURSED BLOOD HOWLS!!! I CANNOT HOLD IT BACK ANY LONGER!!!" "a-are you okay odin?" "STAY BACK FRIENDS!!! ONCE MY CURSED BLOOD BURNS WITH THE RAGE OF BATTLE, I CAN NO LONGER TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIEND AND FOE!!!" Selena slaps Odin over the back of the head. "quiet down and get on the boat"

CHAPTOUR 11
"so here we are in notre segasse" "it looks deserted" "seems that famine and disease have slaughtered the citizens of this town before we arrived; another job well done" Corrin turns and dusts off her hands as Elise collapses to the floor. "what happened?!" "it looks like she's gotten a rare notre segassean disease" "seriously? we've been here for five minutes" "we need to get to macarath; that's where we'll be able to find a cure" "okay men; ONWARD TO MACARONI" "MY CURSED BLOOD BURNS WITH A DESIRE FOR MACARONI!!!"
"so we meet again, CORRIN" "ryoma? wait don't tell me-" "YES WE RELEASED SPORES IN NOTRE SEGASSE IN ORDER TO INFECT YOUR BELOVED LITTLE SISTER!!! SOON, SHE WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!!! but not all is lost!!! for if you return to hoshido, you will be able to return to your REAL little sister!!! your cute precious pure little sister rather than this SKANK!!!" "oh that is IT no one calls my precious little sister a skank and lives!!!" "YOU'RE A THOUSAND YEARS TOO EARLY TO DEFEAT ME!!!" Ryoma strikes with barely-contained fury, but his blows are deflected. "who-" "aha, it is us; XANDER's retainers!!!" "thanks everyone; now with all the nohrian retainers on my side, i am well and truly retained" "HARK LAZLOW!!! SO WE REUNITE AT LAST!!! I COULD FEEL A REUNION LOOMING IN THE MOONLIGHT!!! LET MY UNHOLY MAGICKS MERGE WITH YOUR COLD STEEL AND FORM A POWER HITHERTO UNSEEN ON THIS MORTAL COIL!!!" "sure thing pal"

CHAPTOUR 12
"question odin" "yes, peri, my murderous friend?" "if you were to merge your unholy magicks with my cold steel, would i be better at killing people?" "indubitably!!! BUT BEWARE!!! ONCE THE DARK ENERGIES OVERTAKE YOU, YOU MAY LOSE SIGHT OF FRIEND AND FOE AND KILL WITHOUT CARE!!!" "that sounds fucking awesome!!!" "I MYSELF MUST-wait what"
"father we have returned from a successful mission" "good good, now go and slaughter everyone in cheve" "on it" "oh and take hans with you" "oh sure sure" Corrin exits the throne room and meets up with Silas. "once we're out of the capital, murder hans and we'll claim he was a casualty" "great idea; i do not trust him one bit around your tight little dragon pussy"
"we've finally arrived in cheve" "gee wouldn't it be hilarious if one of my alleged 'siblings' from hoshido appeared here too" "CORRIN I FUCKING HATE YOU" Takumi launches an arrow straight at Corrin's chest, causing everyone in the Nohrian army to laugh. "you're so predictable takumi" "SHUT UP I HATE YOU" "yeah yeah get some new material"

CHAPTOUR 13
"so we're meeting with father at the opera?" "yeah he's been known to take in a show every now and then; here he is now" "CORRIN MY GIRL great job slaughtering those rebels" "any time boss" "ooh the show's about to start i love song and dance numbers" The Nohrians take their seats as the show begins. A mysterious girl wearing a dark veil takes the stage, prominently displaying her floor-length blue hair. "who is that mysterious singer?" "SING WITH ME A SONG OF CONQUEST AND FATE" "man azura would love this; shame she's not here right now to finally learn a second song" "oh no the song is so good that father is having a heart attack!!!" "HELLLLOOOOOOOOO NOHRIANS!!! WE'RE HERE TO ASSASSINATE YOUR KIIIIIIIING!!!" "oh no!!! really bad assassins!!!" "that mysterious songstress must have been part of their plan!!!" "hey guys i'm back" "azura!!! did you see that songstess earlier? she was about your height with hair exactly like yours and eyes the same colour as yours too" "no i saw no such person" "damn she got away" "THIS WILL NOT STAND!!! MURDER EVERYONE IN NOHR WHO HAS EVER SUNG EVEN A SINGLE SONG!!!"

CHAPTOUR 14
"man i can't figure out who that songstress was, even after conducting interviews with everyone in town" Corrin looks out to the lake, where Azura is wading. "AZURA PUT ON YOUR SWIMSUIT BEFORE GETTING INTO THE WATER" Azura disappears from sight. "OH NO SHE'S DROWNING!!!" Corrin dives in after Azura and appears on a floating rock. "what the fuck-" "WHY ARE YOU HERE CORRIN? YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE" "i could ask you the same question lady; where even are we" "we are in the secret invisible kingdom outside of nohrian or hoshidan jurisdiction; i come here to relax" "how come i've never heard of it before" "it's a secret idiot" "fair enough" "also first rule of invisible kingdom: don't talk about invisible kingdom" "what why not" "you'll explode" "seriously?" "would you like to try and find out?" "i'm going to call your bluff later, mark my words" "i look forward to it"

CHAPTOUR 15
"hey corrin check out this cool stone; it'll reveal hidden truths about king garon" "oh boy now i can finally figure out whether or not he has a crush on nyx" Corrin stares into the ball, and it shows King Garon turning into a slime monster. "ew" The stone shatters in Azura's hands. "uh do you have any more of those?" "no this was the only one" "well that's just great; how am i going to convince everyone that our father is secretly a slime monster? you should have waited to use the orb until everyone was present" "ohhhhhh i never thought of that" "can you just like go get another one?" "no but if we conquer hoshido and sit king garon atop its throne, the magic of the throne will reveal his true form" "of course, why didn't i think of that; it's such a better solution than just showing everyone the orb"

CHAPTOUR 16
"today is the day we finally invade hoshido" "father has granted us 10,000 gold pieces which are all aboard this ship he's prepared for us" "sweet" "OH NO PIRATES!!!" "OUR GOLD!!!" Corrin and crew rush to put down the pirates. "okay mr pirate leader, what do you have to say for yourself" "i have a really sad backstory; if you don't kill me, i will join your army" "this guy seems shady as hell" "he has some really nice boots though" "if you execute him, they'll be YOUR boots corrin" "oh man oh man how i've waited for the day when i can stop running around barefoot" "now's your chance; they even look like they're your size" "i'm ready i'm ready i want those boots"

CHAPTOUR 17
"welcome nohrians to mokushu!!! we're your ninja allies!!!" "oh sweet" "nice boots by the way" "thanks" "unfortunately, hoshido is currently invading our country; a full-scale battle has broken out inside our ninja rape cave" "oh no; we need to help them!!!" Corrin follows Kotaro into his ninja rape cave. "ha ha HA we were originally just going to rape this big titty ninja we found, but now we shall rape not one but FOUR nohrian princesses!!!" "oh no!!!" Just as Kotaro is about to pin down Corrin, Xander appears atop his horse and stabs Kotaro through the gut. "NO ONE PENETRATES MY SISTER'S TIGHT LITTLE DRAGON PUSSY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION"

CHAPTOUR 18
"we've finally arrived in the neutral territory of izumo" "let's rest our heels a bit" "good idea" Corrin leads her army to the castle, where they are greeted by a strange man. "hello i'm the duke of izumo!!! call me izana - or, if you'd prefer, your briggity-bro for life!!!" "um hi" "come on come in!!! right this way for tea!!!" "corrin i don't trust this guy one bit; he's too cheery" "i agree" Elise is shocked at Leo and Corrin's statements. "i expected better of you two onii-chan, onee-chan" "what?" "this izana guy is so nice!!! he's surely trustworthy!!!" "that's right elise!!! i'm your higgity-homeboy!!! and we've got even more guests here as well!!! this is the hoshidan royal family!!!" "WHAT" "o-onee-san..." "CORRIN HOW COULD YOU BETRAY US ))))): I SWUNG AROUND A STICK IN MY BACKYARD FOR YOU )))))):" "I FUCKING HATE YOU CORRIN" "i hate you as well, traitor" "it isn't technically betrayal if i never sided with you in the first place" "enough; we shall engage in single combat" "NONONONONONO!!! i, duke izana!!!, forbid any fighting!!! WE'RE NEUTRAL!!! NEU-TRAL!!! i'll just have to confiscate these!!!" Izana takes everyone's weapons away. "wha-THAT'S A ONE-OF-A-KIND HOSHIDAN HEIRLOOM!!!" "and you'll get it back when you leave; for now, make nice and maybe instead of being enemies, you'll be higgity-homeboys!!!" "takumi is already a homoboy" "OH THAT IS IT" Ryoma and Hinoka can barely restrain Takumi from leaping over the table. "psst lord xander" "what is it izana" "i'm not really izana, i'm zola" "zola?!" "yeah i'm planning on capturing these hoshidan royals and offering their heads to the king; pretty slick, huh?" "that is not even close to how we should win a war; i will not stand by such a lack of integrity" "have you ever heard the phrase 'all's fair in [...] war'?" "yeah and it's a crock" "of shit?" "are there any other types of crocks?" "well uh we've already tied up the hoshidans and it would be a shame to waste such beautiful knotwork" "i'll cut more than your knots if you don't release them this instant" "with what weapon? i confiscated yours, remember?" "excuse me one second" Xander leaves and returns with his sword. "point taken"
"hey everybody!!! i'm the real izana!!! thanks for saving me dudes!!! you're my higgity-homeboys for life!!!" "zola had more talent than i'd given him credit for" "now let's all have a figgity-FEAST!!!" "o-onee-san, i'm so glad i got to see you again" "HEY YOU LITTLE SKANK!!! DON'T YOU CALL MY ONEE-CHAN YOUR 'o-onee-san'!!!" "NO ONE CALLS MY LITTLE SISTER A SKANK!!!" Ryoma and Hinoka can barely restrain Takumi from leaping over the table.

CHAPTOUR 19
"hey i've got an idea" "what is it azura" "let's go over the nice autumnal mountain over there; see the sights" "great idea; just because it's wartime doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves" Corrin leads the Nohrians over the mountain, where the come across a fox man. "hi i'm kaden, chief of the kitsune tribe!!!" "hi kaden i'm corrin" "so you're from nohr? i love nohrian humans!!!" "oh yeah? want to join our army?" "hmmm maybe if i'd met you anywhere other than on this mountain" "huh?" "see, as chief, i need to keep up appearances!!! so i'm going to kill you all!!!" "wha-" "COME ON BOYS, WE'RE EATING HUMANS TONIGHT!!!"
"well that sucked" "indeed it did!!! for they almost wrestled away the noble daughter of the darkness; the sole heir to odin dark's cursed blood, little baby ophelia-" "WAIT you had a baby?!" "w-well not ME specifically" "right right who would be so irresponsible as to bring a child into this war?" "it was me onee-chan!!!" "of course" "FEAR NOT NOBLE PRINCESS!!! SISTER-IN-LAW!!! FOR I, ODIN DARK!!!, WILL PROTECT THIS CURSED CHILD WITH MY ENTIRE BEING!!! NONE SHALL STAND UP TO THE AWESOME MIGHT OF MY LATEST SPELL - HEAVEN'S CURSED FLAME IV: ULTIMATE FINAL BLAZING PYRE OF DESTINY!!!" "i thought heaven's cursed flame III was the final one" "yes, but this one's the ULTIMATE final form of the spell" "and i take it that heaven's cursed flame V will be the perfect ultimate final form?" "h-how did you know?! has my fell grimoire found its way into your posession?! might you be the fell princess the prophecy foretold?!" "listen, i can't have you lugging a baby around in wartime; pop her into this pocket dimension so she can become a teenager and be conscripted into the army" "i knew this day would come, but LO!!! i must surrender my offspring to her final test before adulthood!!! her cursed blood is required if we have any hope of defeating our sworn enemies!!!" Odin deposits baby Ophelia into the time rift, and she pops back out immediately, aged up to 16. "FATHER!!! DESTINY HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER AT LAST!!! I, OPHELIA DUSK!!!, SHALL RAIN HOLY RETRIBUTION DOWN UPON THE SINNERS WHO WOULD THREATEN OUR HOMELAND!!! OUR ENEMIES WILL TREMBLE BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF MY ULTIMATE SPELL - HEAVEN'S CURSED FLAME IX - ULTRA SUPER PERFECT ULTIMATE FINAL BLAZING PYRE OF INFERNAL DESTINY - MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!" A single tear streams down Odin's cheek as he embraces his daughter.

CHAPTOUR 20
"this is it: the biggest fort in all hoshido; we take this, the war's as good as won" "so they had to have put some heavy-hitters in to defend it, right?" "O-ONEE-SAN!!! I-I WILL NOT LET YOU T-TAKE THIS FORT!!!" "of course"
"SOLDIERS OF HOSHIDO-" "can i do it boss?!" "go ahead odin" "SOLDIERS OF HOSHIDO!!! YOU HAVE FOUGHT WELL, BUT YOU WERE NO MATCH FOR ODIN DARK, THE HERO OF THE UMBRA!!!" "AND HIS DAUGHTER, OPHELIA DUSK, HERO OF THE TWILIGHT!!!" "LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND SURRENDER!!! MY CURSED BLOOD BOILS AND THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THE CONFLICT RESUMES!!!" "we get it we surrender" "ONCE MORE JUSTICE IS SERVED!!! THOSE WHO HOARD THE LIGHT WILL NEVER DEFEAT THE HEROES OF DARKNESS!!! OPHELIA DUSK!!!" "AND ODIN DARK!!! THE CHOSEN TWO WHO-" As Odin rambles on, the surrendering Hoshidans are cut down. "CUT CUT CUT THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT" "i like my revision better" "k-KING GARON?! oh by all means go ahead" King Garon slaughters the surrendering Hoshidans with glee.

CHAPTOUR 21
As the Nohrian army approaches the Hoshidan capital, Corrin notices a giant wall in her way, atop which sits Takumi. "FUCK OFF CORRIN I HATE YOU" "yes yes you've told me that several times" "WE HOSHIDANS HAVE BUILT THIS; THE GREAT WALL OF HOSHIDO!!! IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WALL AND ONCE YOU NOHRIANS ARE GROUND INTO THE DUST, YOUR COFFERS WILL BE PAYING FOR ITS CONSTRUCTION!!! THEN WE WILL MAKE HOSHIDO GREAT AGAIN!!!"
"you are defeated takumi; surrender and calm the fuck down and we'll let you see your sister" "YOU'VE CAPTURED SAKURA?! MY SWEET INNOCENT LITTLE SISTER?! YOU MONSTERS!!!" "we're treating her very well-" "DON'T TOUCH ME; I WON'T ALLOW ME TO BE CAPTURED BY SOME INHUMAN MONSTER LIKE YOU!!! I WILL SAVE HOSHIDO!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE JOINED US BUT NO MATTER!!! CHOSEN ONE OR NOT I WILL SAVE HOSHIDO!!!" Takumi leaps off of the Great Wall of Hoshido. "well that takes care of that i suppose" "i don't see a body down there" "well from this height he'd be more of a fine paste really" "fair enough"

CHAPTOUR 22
"hey ryoma long time no see how's the war going" "you know damn well how it's going; let's settle this here and now 1v1 me faggot" "i'm gonna be honest with you bro, i've been riding xander's and camilla's coattails this whole time" "pathetic" "yeah but what can you do right?" Ryoma seals off the dueling chamber with none but himself and Corrin inside. "CORRIN'S IN TROUBLE!!! WE CAN'T LET THE ENEMY'S PRINCE HAVE HIS WAY WITH HER TIGHT LITTLE DRAGON PUSSY!!! CHARGE!!!" Xander's men tear through the paper screens dividing them from Corrin and Ryoma. "they've busted through our finest paper screens!!! have they no DECENCY?!" Xander baps Ryoma over the head. "i am defeated and as a noble samurai, i know what i must do" Ryoma commits sudoku in front of Corrin and King Garon. "good riddance"

CHAPTOUR 23
"king garon my man you've conquered hoshido!!! sit on the throne and claim your prize!!!" "you know, i believe i shall" King Garon sits on the throne and turns into a slime creature. "ew" "gross" "COME SIT ON DADDY'S LAP KIDS" "ew no" "I LOVE MY KIDS!!!" King Garon's children strike him down. "well i'm glad that's all over" The Nohrians laugh as an arrow sails from across the room and punctures Corrin's lung. "aw shit" "I FUCKING HATE YOU CORRIN" Takumi fires arrow after arrow, turning Corrin into a pincushion. "oh no she's dead!!!" "maybe if we all say a line, she'll return from the dead!!!" "yeah yeah great idea!!!" "t. xander" "t. camilla" "t. leo" "t. elise" "t. felicia" "t. odin" "t. ophelia" "t. keaton" "t. velouria" "t. silas" "t. sophie" "t. charlotte" "t. belka" "t. arthur" "thanks everyone, now let's kill this idiot" "it's a good thing that the villains have no friends, or we'd be fuuuuuuuuuucked" "FUCK YOU CORRIN" "i'll sing us a song to help!!! YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "thanks for the tunes azura" Corrin and team smack Takumi around a bunch. "well i'm glad that's over" "where'd azura go" "maybe she got signed to a record deal" "could be could be" "well all's well that ends well i suppose"
THE END