Fire Emblem Fates: Outright Lies About Adoption

continued from the prologue

CHAPTOUR 06
"okay so both little sisters are adorable, that's a wash" Corrin sits in the dirt pondering as the Nohrians and Hoshidans fight. "AUGH I CAN'T DECIDE!!! MY HEART SAYS NOHR BUT KING GARON WAS TRYING TO KILL ME AND I'D BE AN IDIOT TO JUST WALK BACK TO HIM AND FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" "corrin, could you please decide already?" "EENY MEENY MINEY MO CATCH A NIGGER BY THE TOE IF HE HOLLERS LET HIM GO I NEED TO CHOOSE A NATION THAT I WON'T REGRET AND THAT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" Corrin opens her eyes to see which nation she's pointing at. "HOSHIDO?!" "glad to see you're on the right side, corrin" "WAIT LET ME TRY AGAIN" "too late; let's go!!!" Ryoma picks Corrin up and carries her away like luggage.
"glad to see you're on the right side, corrin" "ah fuck i just remembered i left my beloved maid in nohr!!! i've got to g-" "she's right here" "f-FELICIA?! what are you doing here?!" "i followed you across enemy lines!!! i am here to serve you, even if you defect to another nation!!!" "um, thanks" "now corrin, let's meet your army!!!" "hello everyone, i'm corrin" "my name is suzukaze; i would be honoured to join you" "welcome aboard susie" "uh sorry that was a sneeze; my name is just kaze" "okay kazzy let's roll" Kaze grumbles to himself as Corrin proceeds down the line. "my name is kazahana!!! i'm cute but i have no personality!!!" "my name is subaki; i am a perfectionist" "ah yes, the perfectionist with a cowlick" "don't laugh at my cowlick" "my name is orochi i have boobs" "a fine addition to the team" Corrin looks at the next two, but Rinka and Saizo just scoff at her. "and who's this?" "it's me!!! silas!!! your best friend from preschool!!!" "oh yeah um why are you in hoshido" "i'm defecting!!!" "okay looks like we've got an all-star line-up here" Corrin's smile turns to a grimmace. "A LINE-UP OF BENCHWARMERS" "wha-" "you all sicken me; we're going grinding IMMEDIATELY"

CHAPTOUR 07
"hey have you guys heard any word of a battle around here? one of the combatants was a tall guy dressed like a lobster?" "BATTLE?! COMBATANTS?! certainly not!!! were here in izumo are NEUTRAL!!! NEUTRAL, I SAY!!!" "um-" "COME, THE HIGH PRIEST WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU" Corrin and the Hoshidans are neutrally led into the kingdom of Izumo, and are approached by a man with a diginified air. "hey everyone; what's up? i'm the priggity-PRIEST up in here!!! the one and only IZANA, DOG!!!" "this guy's suspicious as hell" "yeah, no holy man would talk like that" "don't be such a diggity-downer yo!!! we fittin to have a party up in here!!!" "uh-" "come, let me lead you to the party chamber!!!" Izana leads the group into a room, then locks them inside. "YOU FELL FOR MY CUNNING RUSE!!! I AM NO PRIEST; I AM ZOLA!!! DARK BISHOP OF NOHR!!! YOU PATHETIC WRETCH!!! MY MACHINATIONS LAID UNDETECTED AS YOU FELL FOR MY TRAP!!! YOU UTTER RUBE!!! YOU HAVE BEEN THOROUGHLY HOODWINKED!!!" "i've been bamboozled!!!" "YOU'VE BEEN uh shit you took my word and for that, you die; GUARDS" Zola is stabbed by his own guards. "YOU FELL FOR OUR CUNNING RUSE!!! WE ARE NO NOHRIANS; WE ARE THE HOSHIDAN ARMY!!!" "i've been................... hoodwinked......................." Zola dies from his wounds and embarrassment.
"izana thank god we've saved the actual you" "thanks dudes!!! you're my higgity-homies for life!!!" "..." "..." "zola may have been a better machinator than we'd realised"

CHAPTOUR 08
"must kill corrin" "oh hey takumi what's up" "hate corrin" "haha yeah classic takumi; let's go though, we've got to meet up with ryoma" "murder corrin" Corrin drags the posessed Takumi to where Ryoma is waiting, not realising that anything is amiss, as the posessor has imitated Takumi's personality perfectly.
"here we are, at the great city of nestra" "hey you guys can i get some help? i'm here to sing but i'm too sad to sing but king garon will execute me if i don't sing well" Azura's eyes light up, and she zips off to get ready. "HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! HERE IS THE LADY YOU'VE ALL COME TO SEE: LALA THE SINGER!!!" "YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "fuck i love this song" Garon taps his foot to the song until it finishes. "BRAVO!!! ENCORE, ENCORE!!!" "u-uh y-YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "that song was almost as good the second time!!! can we have a different one this time" "d-different one?!" "you know, like 'murder my enemies' or 'slaughter the innocent [reprise]'" "y-you are the ocean's grey waves" "YOU HAVE DEFIED ME FOR THE FIRST AND LAST TIME!!! GUARDS!!!" The Nohrian army surrounds Azura and the Hoshidans. "remind me to teach you 'mary had a little lamb' later"

CHAPTOUR 09
"well, we've finally arrived at cheve, where ryoma is waiting" "that's a weird nickname for your big sister" Camilla walks up to Corrin and begins affectionately smothering Corrin in her boobs. "i was so sad when you defected so i've decided: i am going to kill you, and then myself" "wha-" "just hold still and don't struggle; soon you will run out of oxygen and we can be together forever in death" "can i provide a counter-argument before you smother me" "oh if you must" "king garon gave me that creepy black sword, right? well, it was all just an elaborate plot to make me into a suicide bomber; the sword exploded, wiped out the hoshidan capital, then would have killed me if my mother hadn't stepped in front of me to absorb the blow" "wow that's fucked up" "i know, right?" "hmmm, i may have to rethink this murder/suicide plan; how about i join you and we can murder the king together" "i'd love that!!!" "STOP HALT GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER" "leo!!! would you like to join us as well?" "STOP BRAINWASHING MY SISTER, FIEND!!!" Leo teleports away with Camilla in tow. "dammit"

CHAPTOUR 10
"corrin, takumi is sick" "cool" "he'll die if he doesn't get immediate treatment" "sweet; i hate that guy" "he's our brother" "we've got two more" "I AM NOT A BOY" "visual evidence suggests otherwise" "i will not stand for this; we are going to get those herbs for takumi" Hinoka drags Corrin to a nearby mansion, where Corrin's second maid is working. "oh hey flora what's up" "i got laid off and this was the only job i could get in today's economy" "oh rough; want to join our army?" "defect?" "yeah, your hotter sister did already" "HOTTER, YOU SAY?!" Iago teleports in, as if he were spying on everyone. "don't sell miss flora so short miss corrin!!! i'd say she's very hot; smoking, in fact" Iago lights Flora on fire with his magic. "you just killed my maid!!!" "oh calm down you've got another one AND a butler" "IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!!!"

CHAPTOUR 11
"so we meet again, DEAR SISTER" "oh hey leo what's up" "i am going to kill you" "oh yeah? you and what army?" "my army of face-" "THE LORD LEO NEEDS NO ARMY, FIEND!!! FOR THE BLACK GRIMOIRE OF ODIN DARK STRIKETH DOWN ANY WHO DARE TO OPPOSE HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!" "um like i was saying-" "BORN ON A DISTANT WORLD TO A CURSED BLOODLINE!!! THE DARK AVENGER STRIKES FROM THE UMBRA TO OPPOSE THOSE WHO WOULD USE THE SHADOWS FOR EVIL!!! THE FIERY FURY OF HIS UNHOLY ARCANA RAINS DOWN UPON HIS ENEMIES LIKE AN ERUPTING VOLCANO!!! TREMBLE, MORTAL, BEFORE THE HELLISH WRATH FROM THE DARKEST SHADOWS!!! I!!!, ODIN DARK!!!, SHALL STRIKE YOU DOWN FOR YOUR SINS!!!" "are you done?" "yeah" "so LIKE I WAS SAYING; have at you!!!"
"damn i've been defeated; well then, go ahead, execute me" "no, i want you to join my army" "pass" "what" "listen, i don't want to join your little army then get killed by xander okay? you guys are far too weak" "how dare you" "here, take this book and read up on ancient weapons" Corrin grabs the book and opens it up, and is warped instantly across the sea. "good riddance"

CHAPTOUR 12
"where the fuck did that asshole just send us" "YOOOOO WHAT IS UP MY DIGGITY-DOGS?!" "oh god not this guy again" "yo i hear you got a hot spring my higgity-homies!!! you can't be holding that shit out on me!!! i'm gonna join your army briggity-bro!!!" "sure whatever" Corrin reopens the book to begin ripping pages out, but she is warped instantly back to where she came from, then the book disintegrates. "nice fucking trick ass-where'd he go"
"uh corrin? a word please?" "what is it cyrus" "silas" "right i was just testing you" "um i don't know how to say this but um during war up to this point i got married to hana and then we had sexual relations and now we've got this baby we don't know what to do with" "are you kidding me? we're fighting a war here cyrus" "yeah but that pussy was so good" "cyrus, you are a disappointment" "yeah but what am i going to do with little sophie!!! she's too young to fight a war!!!"Just then, Azura zips in. "i have the solution to your problem; just stuff your baby in this pocket dimension, and she'll be a teenager in no time, ready to fight a war" "what? won't i miss the best parts of her development as a human being that way?" "should have waited then cyrus" Corrin snatches baby Sophie from Silas and hucks her into Azura's pocket dimension. Five minutes later for Corrin's army and sixteen years later for her, Sophie returns as a full-grown teenager. "hello everyone" "hello soldier; glad to have you aboard" Silas stares in sad awe. "my precious little baby girl is now a soldier in a war; it feels like just this morning she was small enough to hold in my arms"

CHAPTOUR 13
"okay everyone throw them into the time chamber" Corrin corrals all the babies into the pocket dimension, then pulls them out as teenagers. "okay let's see, kaze this one's yours but i don't think we left her in long enough" "NO NO I AM TOTALLY SIXTEEN DON'T PUT ME BACK IN THERE" "fine whatever" Corrin shoos Midori away. "let's see let's see OH MY!!! is that gaius from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening?!" "what no definitely not; my name is asugi" "okay so gaius has developed dyslexia, check; and OH MAN LOOK!!! it's cordelia from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening!!!" "my name is caeldori" "okay note to self: possible side effects of the time chamber include dyslexia, got it; OH is that tharja from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening?!" "no that's rhajat" "shut up ricken from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening no one likes you" "fair enough"

CHAPTOUR 14
"so that's everyone's children then?" "yes, except for my daughter mitama" "seriously azama? you left your daughter in the time chamber? she could have died of old age by now" "eh; it's just a part of life" "come on, let's get in there and find her" "if you insist" Corrin and Azama head into the time chamber to find Mitama's house being assaulted by men with axes. "this is where you left your daughter?" "yeah" "and the men with axes don't concern you?" "mitama's house is untouched; she's fine" "could you please go and get her?" "very well" Azama walks up to Mitama's door and knocks loudly. "you okay in there mitama?" "go away father / i am currently sleeping / a wonderful dream" "okay fair enough" Azama walks up to Corrin. "she's fine; she's sleeping" "fair enough; we'll wait for her to wake up" Corrin and Azama wait and wait, but Mitama never awakens. "when you said sleeping, you didn't mean dead, did you" "no, she's snoring as we speak" "could you wake her up so we can get out of here?" "fine fine" Azama knocks on the door again. "wake up sleepy; we need you to join our army" "too tired to fight / i must sleep a thousand dreams / perhaps after that" "fair enough" Azama walks up to Corrin, who goes herself this time. "MITAMA GET OUT HERE THIS INSTANT" "WOAH STRANGER DANGER!!! / i won't get in your white van / i don't need candy" "CANDY?!" Dyslexic Gaius from Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening kicks in Mitama's door and turns over the whole house looking for her candy. "come on mitama, let's go" "please do not rip me / from the warmest bed of all / the world is so cold" "i'll turn into a dragon and set you on fire if you want"

CHAPTOUR 15
"well here we are in nohr's capital" "ONEE-CHAN!!!" "hey elise what's up" "i am going to come with you in order to try and convince father and xander to lay down their arms and surrender peacefully!!!" "i see no way in which this could backfire" "o-onee-san th-this dark tunnel is v-very scary; may i h-hold your hand" "oh yes sakura, by all means" "wha-ONEE-CHAN!!! I'M SCARED TOO!!!" "okay okay i have two hands for two cute little sisters" "but what about for your big sister?" "c-camilla?!" "i've come to a decision re:the whole murder/suicide thing" "yes?" "i've decided not to go through with it" "oh boy" "i have instead decided to murder all your hoshidan friends so you'll come back and we can be a big happy family again" "OR - second option - you could join our team along with leo and xander and we can end this war peacefully" "sorry i didn't hear you; i was busy murdering this child" Hisame stares at Camilla's axe, lodged inside his chest. "oh i'm in a real pickle now"

CHAPTOUR 16
"hey look it's xander" "1v1 me faggot" "counter-offer: you lay down your sword, and i stroll up into your father's room and kill him" "fat fucking chance; ENGARDE" Corrin and Xander trade blow after blow, with Xander gaining the upper hand. "now i will strike you down for nohr!!!" Xander rears back and slashes his mighty blade, intending to kill Corrin, but but Elise dives in front of the strike just in time to take the fatal blow instead. "FUCK LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO" "please onii-chan stop fighting" With her dying words and last request spoken, Elise slumps to the floor, dead. Corrin sits and cries at Elise's corpse. "stand up, draw your sword, and let's finish this" "seriously? you kill your little sister, then deny her last request?" "draw your sword" "you are a really shitty brother, you know that?"

CHAPTOUR 17
"so glad you could drop by corey" "corrin" "whatever" "xander and elise both died in the next room over by the way" "yeah i heard; ripperoni in pepperoni and all that" "i am going to end this war one way or the other; you can either surrender or be struck down" "or: i can strike YOU down instead" "i don't like that plan" "no, i didn't think you would" "CORRIN I'VE GOT AN IDEA!!! I'LL SING MY SONG!!! YOU ARE TH-" Garon grabs Azura by the throat. "yeah no, i'm tired of that song" "f-fair enough" "now just for you, my daughter, i'll bust out this one trick i've been dying to show off" Garon transforms into a giant dragon. "woah cool" "yeah and check this out" Garon punches Corrin with his dragon fist, destroying her special chosen one sword. "ow ow ow" "ha ha for you to defeat me, all of your friends would have to say one line to you in succession!!!" "t. felicia" "t. silas" "t. scarlett" "t. ryoma" "t. azura" "WHAT NO STOP" "t. takumi" "t. kagero" "t. kaden" "t. oboro" "t. orochi" "t. midori" "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" "t. sophie" "t. kiragi" "t. rhajat" "t. caeldori" The sheer force of the friendship displayed fixes Corrin's sword and brings her back to consciousness. "NOT FRIENDSHIP!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!" Garon stumbles back, leaving Azura free to sing. "YOU ARE THE OCEAN'S GREY WAVES" "NOT THIS SONG!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!" Garon slumps to the floor, dead. "sweet; we finally-" Azura slumps to the floor, dead. "oh well; can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs"
THE END