Mardi Gras Special 2019

MARDI GRAS SPECIAL AND SHIT:
"hey uh bran what are all those beads for" "dude it's mardi gras!!! you just throw some beads at a woman and presto she lifts up her shirt, revealing the large orbs of womanhood beneath" "..." "..." Before Bran's very eyes, Jakey is completely gone, a cloud of Jakey-shaped dust where he once stood. Jakey races for Beadz Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing an ancient stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "AHVE YOU GOT ANY BEADS" "no i uh 'ahve'nt'; we are all out" And like that, Jakey has disappeared again, leaving behind a dust version of himself. Jakey races for Crazy Svart's Used Beads. "I NEED BEADS" "oh then you've come to the right place; if you've got the need for beads then crazy svart's used beads is the place to be-ad" "GREAT-" "is what i'd normally say but we're all out" Jakey sprints out the door, but his pace is slowed by the realisation that he only knows the location of two beads stores. "dammit" "BEADS HERE GET YOUR BEADS HERE; THEY'RE THE BEAD'S KNEES; BEADS HERE" Jakey rushes over toward the beautiful sound that fills his ears, and finds Kathy sitting down in front of a mountain of beads. "would you like some beads sir" "YES" "okay so how many-" "ALL OF THE BEADS" "great!!! that will be five billion four-hundred-thirty million sixty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty two alabama fun bux and eighty-seven cents" Jakey motions for the dump truck to back up thousands and thousands of loose bills, then motions for them to be dumped right next to Kathy. Kathy takes a whiff of the money. "sir you are forty dollars short" "oh uh" Jakey empties out his pockets, dropping forty dollars in loose change onto the ground. "thank you sir; your beads have been loaded into a dump truck" "YES" Jakey hops into the back of the dump truck, and whips the driver to step on it.
Driving down the boulevard, Jakey spots Gwendolyn, and hucks some beads at her. "OW FUCK WHAT WAS THAT FOR" "it's mardi gras you're supposed to show me your tits" "i'm supposed to reward you for pelting me with ballistic plastic?!" "hey i didn't make up the holiday" "it sounds like you did" "dude come on i paid a lot of money for these beads; i had to take out a second mortgage on canada for this" Gwendolyn starts to walk away. "CAN I AT LEAST HAVE MY BEADS BACK" Gwendolyn hucks the beads at Jakey, bowling him over. "THANKS"
Driving down the avenue, Jakey spots Claire, and hucks some beads at her. She doesn't notice as they pass straight through her. "oh uh yeah" Just then, Ruth walks up and sees the dump truck full of beads. "BEAD INSPECTION" "aw fuck i don't got time for this" "sir this is routine; we do not want diseased or venomous beads being thrown around at mardi gras" Jakey sighs, and allows Ruth to hop into the back of the truck. "hmm yes yes these are high-quality beads yes" Ruth begins to check off items on her clipboard. "well sir you have passed; i would flash my tits for these beads any day" Jakey hucks some beads at Ruth, and she replies with the customary greeting. "mmm nice" "happy mardi gras to you sir" "to you as well ma'am"
Driving down the road, Jakey spots Rachel, and hucks some beads at her. Rachel begins to lift her shirt, but her arms cramp up and she falls to the floor in agony. "what happened?!" "i've been flashing my tits for beads all day and my arms have given out; i shouldn't have neglected my training" "training?!" Piper emerges from some bushes. "listen, rachel, you're my daughter and i'm always going to be proud of you and etc. etc. but WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" "my arms please get me to the hospital" "not until you lift your shirt for that nice man who just threw beads at you" "i can't move my arms" Sensing awkward familial conflict, Jakey decides the best course of action is to throw beads at Piper. Piper quickly turns ninety degrees and flashes her enormous tits. "see?! how hard was that?!" "help" Jakey quickly motions for the driver to make a swift exit.
Driving down the street, Jakey spots Amber flying high in the sky. He attempts to huck beads at her, but his throws can't reach. "goddammit" While Jakey is cursing his luck, Natalie rushes straight up to him. "JAKEY YOU HAVE TO HELP ME" "uh what's up" "i need to participate in mardi gras to get good publicity for the canadian embassy, but no one's throwing beads at me!!!" "oh don't worry i got you covered" Jakey hucks some beads at Natalie, who attempts to flash her tits, but just flashes her bra instead. "uh oops sorry just a second" Natalie quickly undoes her bra. "can we try that again" "uh sure" Jakey hucks more beads at Natalie, and she successfully flashes her tits on the second attempt. "thanks jakey you're a lifesaver" "any time"
Driving down the thoroughfare, Jakey spots Julia, and hucks some beads at her. "godDAMMIT jakey can't you see i've already got enough beads to clean up?!" "wha-" "those damn marty grass assholes fucking throwing beads all over my nice clean park even though there's clearly a 'no littering' sign" "you're supposed to flash your tits when i throw beads at you" "I'M SUPPOSED TO REWARD YOU FOR LITTERING?!" Julia begins hucking handful after handful of beads at Jakey, as he attempts to make his getaway.
Driving down the highway, Jakey spots Resistance Leadour. Knowing she's probably resisting the festive holiday cheer, Jakey attempts to drive on by. "WAIT NO STOP THROW BEADS AT ME" "you're not resisting the holiday cheer?" "no because no one will throw beads at me so i can start!!!" "beads are a precious resource on mardi gras so people don't want to waste them on people they know won't flash their tits" "come on please" "no i've only got four-hundred thousand five-hundred and twelve beads left!!!" "um what if i coerce you to give me some beads" "and how would you do that" "okay uh if you promise to give me some beads, i will flash my tits for you BEFORE you give me the beads so i am still resisting at least the ORDER of events" "fair enough" Resistance Leadour flashes her tits at Jakey, then he hucks some beads at her. "thank you so much jakey" "no, thank you"
Driving down the blacktop, Jakey spots Valerie, and hucks some beads at her. "OW" Valerie turns to see Jakey was behind her assault. "wh-why w-would you d-do s-such a thing" "huh?" "p-people k-keep th-throwing th-these p-plastic balls at me a-and s-sometimes it r-really hurts" "well that's because it's a festive holiday; men throw beads at women who show their appreciation by lifting up their shirt and showing off their breasts" "w-why d-don't th-the men j-just ask n-nicely though" "what" "i-i-i'd b-be more i-inclined to sh-show off my b-breasts i-if s-someone w-was n-nice to m-m-me i-instead of p-pelting m-me w-with h-hard plastic" "oh um" "i-i-i'm r-really s-sore a-and i-i-i-i j-just w-want to g-go home" "hey i'm sorry; here let me take you-" Jakey is suddenly knocked off balance by a rumbling from beneath him. Michelle erupts from the pile of beads. "take me home"
THE END

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