Winter Solstice Special 2018

WINTER SOLSTICE SPECIAL AND SHIT:
"hello and welcome one and all to the final phase of the snowman contest; you have had an indeterminate amount of time to build a snowman, and i will now judge you harshly for it" Svart leaps down from the platform, and begins to judge harshly.
01:
"so, mr. uh jakey? am i pronouncing that right? i don't see a snowman here" "well it was originally supposed to be a puppy but then some bigger kids came over and shoved me down into my snowman and it was destroyed so i began stabbing them over and over again until there was nothing left to stab and that soaked the entire area in blood, and you can't work with bloody snow, so i called gwendolyn over and she began eating handfuls and handfuls of the bloody snow and uh now all i've got is this large patch of wet grass so i just kind of threw the coal and top hat onto the grass" "well, it's the best one so far"
02:
"miss gwendolyn how did your snowman turn out" "well i had it like half done but then jakey called me over and gave me so much bloody snow and by the time i got done satisfying the vampiric hunger the contest was almost over so i just put some of the bloody snow on the top of the snowman legs i'd made so now it looks like a bigger snowman came and ate his torso and head" "oh wow" "i've also got this uh intestine i found over there which i put into the snowman which i think adds to the theme i ended up going with" "indeed it does"
03:
"so mr. taylor what did you make" "this fantastic display of snowmaneering you see before you!!! it is so perfectly round and jolly!!! it is the EPITOME of snowman technology!!!" Svart knocks on the snowman. "it's made of plastic" "no no it's just packed so perfectly tightly that it FEELS solid and plastic" Svart lifts the plastic snowman up with one hand. "wow have you been working out???"
04:
"miss amber what is this" "my snowman" "where'd you get this snow" "from the ground here" "i wasn't aware we had fine himalayan snow here in downtown boston alabama" "neither was i until now" "you know, using foreign snow is grounds for disqualification" "i'm pretty sure someone framed me by putting this snow here in advance" "we have security footage of you flying out of the park and returning with buckets of himalayan snow" "that's just a coincidence" "uh-huh i'll bet"
05:
"mr. milord king bran explain to me your snowman" "well uh he's a guy with uh cool sunglasses" "yes i can see that" "his scarf is pretty cool" "what techniques did you use to make him" "i uh packed the snow densely but um not too densely you see" "yes and?" "i stacked the large snow orbs on top of eachother to form the snowman in question" "did you now" Svart presses his face to the snowman's exterior. "why does this snowman smell like perfume" "probably some local kids messing with the snow before the competition" Svart follows the scent of perfume around the corner, and finds Emelyn. "nice perfume miss" "uh thanks i hear snowmen like this scent as well" "i'll bet"
06:
"miss valerie nice snowman" "th-thanks" "why is he lying down though" "h-he's sleeping" "oh that explains the nightcap" "y-yeah" "are you going to tuck him in" "o-OH y-yeah" Valerie tucks her snowman in good night.
07:
"miss claire where'd you go" Svart looks around, and notices a note. "dear mr. guy - i had to go to keep my important meeting where i give ectoplasm to needy ghost children; please judge my snowman in my absence" Svart turns to look at Claire's snowman, which starts moving. "animatronic?" Svart holds up a strong magnet, and nothing happens. "hmm" Svart puts on an Ecto-brand glove, and reaches into the snowman. He retracts his hand and pulls Claire out of the snowman, causing the snow to collapse into a pile. "hey what's up" "just catching cheaters" "is there anything in the rule book specifically against what i did" "yes, actually" Svart holds up the Snowman Contest Rule Book, page 437, section 134-C: Ghostly Posession of Snow. "dammit"
08:
"miss grace what happened here" "well i was building a snowman but then i saw my lord getting attacked by two viscious hooligans so i started running toward them, but then milord started stabbing them over and over so i just stood here and cheered and by the time he was done i didn't really have time to finish the head so he's got a tiny head like some injun voodoo man shrunk it"  "i don't think voodoo is an injun thing" "whatever"
09:
"wow miss the great cheryl that sculpture is huge" "thanks i know" "how exactly did you make something that stretches infinitely into the heavens like that with only so much snow and also time" "skill, commitment, and hard work" "or maybe magic?" The Great Cheryl zaps Svart with her wand, to no effect. "wha-" "you can't mess with my mind while i'm wearing my standard-issue snowman judge tinfoil hat" "oh wow could i see that hat for a second" "no"
10:
"mr. brucie it looks like you haven't done anything" "well i'm a priest; i can't work with un-consecrated snow so i melted it down into water then turned the water into holy water THEN i had to reconstitute the holy water into holy snow and then the bell rang to stop working" "oh um" "remember when you're judging though that this is the only god-approved snow in the entire park" "um will do"
11:
"miss azalea this snowman is very impressive" "i agree" "how did you find the time to make it" "time is not a finite resource if you've got a machine that lets you travel through time" Svart opens the rule book and flips to page 871, section  462-B: Time Travel, holding it up for Azalea. "dammit you could have told me that before we started" "i sent the rule book to everyone's address a month ago" "no one has time to read that shit"
12:
"miss candice the bell rang to stop working several minutes ago" "WHAT i've barely had time to pour the foundation!!!" "what" "and i still haven't sourced all the lumber i need to build the frame!!!" "uh-" "AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FINISH THIS PROJECT WITHOUT GALVANISED NAILS???" Svart slowly backs away, then runs to the next contestant in full sprint.
13:
"miss sophia what uh what happened" "well i had built my snowman and i turned around and saw jakey stabbing the shit out of some people and i thought to myself that that was a brilliant idea so i took out my knife and began stabbing my snowman over and over again; i also slit its throat for good measure" "uh you're not going to do that to any of the other contestants are you" "not unless you pay me" "i'll uh pass" "suit yourself"
14:
"miss rachel i appreciate the normal snowman after everything else i've seen so far" "well!!! it won't be normal for long!!! this is performance art!!!" "what" Rachel puts on a blonde wig. "oh gunther why do you have to leave" The snowman remains silent. "gunther no please i am carrying your son!!!" "um" "FINE IF I CANNOT MAKE YOU STAY PEACEFULLY THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE" Rachel grabs a large axe. "YOU WILL BE A FATHER TO LITTLE JONATHASEDIAH ONE WAY OR THE OTHER" Rachel swings her mighty axe, lopping the snowman's top half off. She then bows. "remind me to call the mental hospital later" "can do!!!"
15:
"miss brooke i love your normal snowman" "hey thanks but uh i didn't know this was a snowman felling competition" "what" "everyone i've seen has brutally murdered their snowman but i don't have a weapon!!!" "oh you can borrow my axe!!!" Rachel tosses her axe to Brooke. "hey thanks" "wait a se-" "TIMBER" Brooke swings the axe hard, felling the snowman. "i hate you all"
16:
"miss parallel universe candice your snowman looks uh prepared" "oh yes, i am not getting blindsided again" "blindsided?" "it was hanukkah 2009; the two sides of the conflict always called a ceasefire on hanukkah so we started building snowmen and having fun without a care in the world if only for one day" "okay" "i had built an impressive snowman - i named him ralph - but then out of nowhere a sniper bullet shot ralph clean through the head and i vowed to myself i would never again let my guard down and let an innocent snowman get killed" "that explains all the kevlar" "you can never have enough kevlar; he is wearing eighteen layers of it now and i am preparing to add more after the competition judging ends and the post lady delivers my order from the kevlar store" "uh good luck with that"
17:
"miss julia um where's your snowman" "well i tried to create a snowman through the power of rock and roll but he wandered off when he heard that black sabbath were in town" "oh i hate it when that happens" "well you live by rock and roll you die by rock and roll so i can't complain; i knew the rules coming in"
18:
"miss kathy that is one impressive snowman" "thanks i know" "what's that in your hand there" "uh nothing" "it doesn't look like nothing" Panicking, Kathy tries to shove the blueprints into her mouth, but Svart grabs them from her. "miss kathy these are blueprints from leonardo da vinci" "oh wow how'd you get those" "don't play dumb; we both know you plagiarised this snowman from da vinci" "technically, da vinci is where he's from not his name" "whatever; either way you're disqualified" "goddammit"
19:
"miss piper what is that auburn liquid covering your snowman" "barbeque sauce!!!" "..." "..." "why" "snowmen are a delicacy in mojavistan!!! we don't see many because we're a dry arid nation but we import them all the time!!!" "you're planning to eat your snowman?" "that vampire lady did" "fair enough"
20:
"miss michelle how a-" Michelle hucks a snowball at Svart. "dude what the fuck" Michelle unloads snowball after snowball, pelting Svart over and over from behind her fort. "DUDE STOP" "NO SURRENDER" Svart is backed way up away from Michelle's position, leaving her confident that she won the snow fort-building contest.
21:
"miss leadour where's your snowman" "i resisted the urge to build one" "then why did you even enter the contest" "i can't resist doing the objective of the contest if i don't even enter the contest" Svart's eyes narrow. In spite of how annoying he usually finds Resistance Leadour, she is actually one of the more reasonable contestants this time around.
22:
"miss olivia i've never seen a green snowman before" "i covered it in guacamole" "you're not planning to eat it are you" "well, yes i am, but mainly i did this to give my snowman a healthy green skin tone" "so he's an orc snowman?" "obviously; if an orc woman has a child, it is an orc child, so it's only obvious that if an orc woman makes a snowman, it's an orc snowman" "can't argue with that; i like how you used carrots for the bottom teeth" "thanks i made sure to get here early to select the best carrots before they were taken by the competition" "and it's clearly paid off"
23:
"miss um unimportant? is that even a name?" "well it was what i was named so i guess it has to be" "are those fried eggs on your snowman's face" "yeah, i'm a big fan of IHOP's smiley stack so i decided to make the snowman's face out of eggs and bacon" "out of all the snowmen, this one definitely looks the most delicious" "um thanks?"
24:
"miss natalie your snowman looks very uh formal" "thanks; i helped him pick out his tie and everything" "has he got a hot date tonight" "no actually i've trained him to be a lawyer" "really" "yeah so now if he doesn't win the contest he can sue you for any number of crimes" "but i haven't committed any crimes" "that you know of" "what" "there are many, many crimes hidden deep within the pages of the books of law that most people don't even know about" "oh dear" Svart begins to sweat furiously, despite the freezing cold.
25:
"mr. sheriff antony you're the last snowman guy so please tell me we've saved the best for last" "oh we definitely have; this here is the rootin'est and tootin'est snowman you've ever seen" "what" "JAKEY come over here i want you to duel my snowman" "uh okay" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey and his snowman a revolver each, and Jakey walks several yards away. "DRAW" The snowman draws before Jakey can even react, and pops him right in the head. Due to the overwhelming power of the diamonds, Jakey is right as rain immediately after. "I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE YOU CHEATED" Jakey fires a shot off, aimed square between the snowman's coal eyes, but the snowman shoots the bullet right out of the air. "..." "..." "i rescind my earlier accusation"
26:
"miss sara what have you got there" "it is a portable snowman on a stick!!!" "oh wow" "i've always hated that you build a snowman friend but you can't take it with you anywhere so now that i have a portable one i can bring my friend anywhere!!!" "i have never seen such brilliance before in design" "thanks!!!" "if i weren't afraid for my life right now, you'd win the competition for sure" "wait what"
FINALE:
"well uh that was a great snowman competition bye" Svart begins to run off, but a gunshot is fired right in front of his nose. "who won the competition, svart" Svart gulps loudly, unable to decide between death by gunshot or rotting in prison. "uh uh valerie won" "WHAT" "i-i-i d-did?!" "yeah your snowman remained asleep even through gunshots, shouting, and snowman death" "w-w-wow!!! i-i-i've n-never won a-anything before!!!" "well congratulation" Svart throws the trophy over to Valerie, setting her slightly off-balance. Svart then sprints for his motorised vehicle and screeches out of the parking lot while everyone is still in shock. Natalie's snowman can't sue Svart, due to his flawless reasoning and logic announcing the results. Sheriff Antony's snowman can't kill Svart now without having it be pre-meditated, which would kick him off the force. Rachel pours a gigantic tub of Gatorade all over Valerie in celebration, and everyone sits down to eat the snowmen that lost the competition.
THE END