Hanukkah Special 2018

HANUKKAH SPECIAL AND SHIT
"hey taylor happy hanukkah here is your present" "oh boy oh boy" Taylor visciously unwraps the present he got from Jakey, and finds an old metal lamp. "oh man i always wanted a uh whatever this is" Taylor rubs the lamp, and out comes a beautiful female genie. "hi hey hello my name is jean the genie and i would like to offer you THREE wishes for releasing me from the lamp temporarily" "oh oh oh cool wow this gift is amazing i want to receive many more like it so i totally wish it could be hanukkah every single day" "oh wow good wish; most people waste their first one on a pack of gum or something" Jean the Genie zaps the calendar with her genie magic, making every single day Hanukkah forever.
"hey taylor happy second hanukkah here is your present" "oh boy oh boy" Taylor visciously unwraps the present he got from Jakey, and finds a pair of socks. "..." "..." "i regret this decision instantly" "well you're 26 now you can't expect toys any more" "i'm still 25" "no you were 25 LAST hanukkah; that means you're 26 now" Taylor looks at the calendar, and notices that it's suddenly 2019. "oh no" Taylor rubs his lamp again, and Jean the Genie pops back out. "what the fuck this isn't what i wished for" "well as i saw it i had two options; 1: i could just change it so every single day was called 'december 25th' but then you'd have those in the heat of summer eventually and that would be stupid so i went with 2: make it so you only experience one day each year that day being hanukkah" "..." "..." "so um did anything cool happen during 2019 that i missed" "you know how iphones exist?" "yeah" "well now they exist not only as a bar of soap-shaped object, but also as a kind of sandal you wear on your foot" "that sounds stupid and pointless" "yeah pretty much" "maybe this isn't so bad after all; i'm missing all the dumb bullshit that happens" "that's the spirit"
"hey taylor happy hanukkah here is your present" "oh boy oh boy" Taylor visciously unwraps the present he got from Jakey, and finds a broken mug. "..." "..." "um i don't know where to begin" "how about with 'thank you' you ungrateful piece of shit" "it's broken" "yeah in case you forgot, we're in the middle of a post-apocalypse" "what" Jakey throws open the windows, and shows Taylor a picturesque nuclear winter outside. "i worked so hard to scavenge this mug for you after you kept saying all you wanted was a mug to replace your old one that was eaten by that two-headed dog and this is the thanks i get" Jakey storms off, and Taylor rubs the lamp again. "okay um what happened" "so you know how iphones exist?" "..." "..." "yeah" "well um they gained sentience and have taken over the world so everyone banded together to destroy them but that caused the radioactive materials used to create them to spill out and create a post-apocalypse" "it just skipped over the apocalypse part?" "yeah it was really weird" "so um my second wish is i wish that never happened" "you're going to have to be more specific; do you wish the iphones hadn't released radiation, the iphones never rose up, or the iphones never existed in the first place" "that last one sounds good" "your wish is my command"
"hey taylor happy 26th of december" "what what happened to hanukkah" "um it was yesterday remember" "well yeah but-" "sorry i couldn't get you an old metal lamp like you wanted but without some kind of device i can use to look at the internet in the palm of my hand, i was unable to find one" "oh uh no worries; i'm sure i'll find one eventually" "well uh i heard that brucie found one in his junkyard and inside it was an attractive female genie" "oh good for him" "but uh he's also now holding us all hostage under the threat of wishing for a radiation-fueled post-apocalypse if we don't give him a billion dollars" "why doesn't he just wish for the money" "we tried telling him that but he wouldn't listen" "hey do you feel that" "feel what"
"hello again" "oh hey miss the genie um why are you here" "well brucie wished for it to be a radiation-fueled post-apocalypse so i felt the easiest thing to do would be to just return to the original timeline" "oh okay" "and uh since your last wish got cancelled out i'll refund it to you" "oh thanks" "don't mention it" "i came up with a better idea for a wish anyway" "oh do tell" "i wish that the radiation would clear up and the world would resume as normal" "oh oh good one"
"hey taylor happy 26th of december" "is it still 2020" "yeah but listen man you'll never believe what happened" "did the radiation clear overnight" "YEAH it was really weird but the good kind of weird" "hmm yeah i'll bet" "so uh the mug factories resumed operation so i got you a non-broken one" Jakey hands Taylor a brand new mug. "thanks i like it a lot" "well uh i've got to buy all new furniture so i'll see you around" "yeah okay" Taylor waves as Jakey leaves, then rubs his lamp again. "so do you like it" "yeah; this 2020 is really nice i think i'll keep everything how it is" "oh cool" "well except for one thing" "oh?" "have you ever seen aladdin" "oh you want to be a wealthy prince?" "..." "..." "that wasn't my original intention but it sounds really nice" "sure does" "but i was going to wish you free from the lamp" "you've been watching too many movies taylor" "what" "i can leave any time i want to; what kind of magical being would be trapped in a lamp for all eternity" "oh uh" "i appreciate the thought but you need to get out more" "yeah uh i'll do that"
THE END