Valentine's Day Special 2018

VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL AND SHIT:
"IT IS COMPLETE!!! I HAVE ACQUIRED ALL OF THE MATERIALS NECESSARY FOR THE PERFECT VALENTINE'S DAY CELEBRATION!!! THE GREATEST CHEFS AND WAITERS AND FOODS WILL BE UNDER MY CONTROL!!!" "oh cool who are you going to go out with" "... FUCK" Taylor kicks over a chair. "I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING" "well i'm sure you'll be able to find someone-" "NO IT MUST BE THE PERFECT GIRL TO RECEIVE THE PERFECT VALENTINE'S CELEBRATION" "well uh it's on such short notice that i'd imagine all of the girls who are above-average or better are taken" "once they see how suave + prepared i am they will be forced to go out with me" "um okay have fun" Bran waves Taylor off as he goes out looking for the perfect female.
"yo taylor what's going on my main guy" "oh hey jakey i'm just looking for the perfect woman to spend the perfect valentine's day with" "oh oh i know a lot of girls check it out" Jakey holds up a stack of headshots of the various women he's met in his travels. "i'll go through these and you can tell me what you think" "oh boy it's like a catalogue of women!!!" "hey that's a good idea i'll have to make one of those" "sounds good" "okay first up is valerie but she's mine you can't have her" Taylor points to Valerie's eyepatch. "she's damaged doesn't that void the warranty" "wait women come with warranties?!" "yeah just like anything you can buy in the store" "oh hmm i guess i never thought about it" "next" "second is gwendolyn who is also mine" "are you actually willing to part with any of these women?" "yes just not these two" "fair enough" "okay now we've got amber" "are those wings real" "you know i never asked" "next" "kathy" "i don't date jews" "how about grace" "i don't like her shirt" "uh okay; rachel?" "too young" "piper?" "too old" "candice?" "man hands" "claire?" "i'm allergic to ghosts" "olivia?" "i-is she moldy?" "no she's an orc" "PASS" "emelyn?" "oh she's cute" "yeah?" "but not cute enough NEXT" Jakey and Taylor go through several more girls, and eventually, Jakey runs out of glossy photographs. "is that it?" "i think so yeah" "are you sure you haven't got any hidden away anywhere?" "uh let me check" Jakey rifles through his wallet, and Taylor sees inside of that wallet the female he has been searching for. "WAIT who is that?!" Taylor points at a picture inside of Jakey's wallet. "uh that's me dude" "NO NO NEXT TO YOU" "uh that's my sister, michelle" "THAT IS IT" "what is it" "YOUR SISTER IS THE PERFECT FEMALE FOR MY VALENTINE'S DATE" "now wait just a-" "I WILL WINE HER AND DINE HER UNTIL THE SUN SETS AND THEN MAYBE JUST MAYBE SHE WILL GRACE ME WITH A PECK ON THE CHEEK" "DUDE" "maybe we'll even... hold hands" Jakey's heart stops for a brief moment, but soon begins pumping at the speed of sound, every cell of his body saturated with rage. "I'LL KILL YOU" "uh-oh" Taylor runs off in terror, with Jakey in hot pursuit.
THE END