The Next Big Thing (2015)

Mission 050: The Final Frontier [Professor Eif]
"jakey i have been researching space and i am baffled by its many confusing mysteries" "!" Erin falls from the ventilation ducts, still eating a bowl of cereal. "uh-" "sorry i wasn't ready ahem: MYSTERY?!" "uh yes" "what is the mystery" "well to start why is uranus on its side" "..." "..." "listen, you summon me all the way here in the middle of breakfast-" "it's two in the afternoon" "IN THE MIDDLE OF BREAKFAST just to ask me about my sensitive body areas" "no actually i-" "well fuck you man" "i-" "well FUCK you man" "but-" "WELL FUCK YOU man" "yeah i agree with erin i mean why would you bring someone here just to ask them about your sick fetishes" "b-" "why can't you have a normal fetish, like dryer lint or toad amiibos" "yeah man and to think i used to look up to you" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek as he and Erin exit the lab, where Michelle is waiting. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Toad amiibo appears at safehouses/Toad jacket]

Mission 051: Closing the Deal [Crazy Svart]
"hello friend what are you looking for today" "i am looking for a brand new washing machine because mine is fucking terrible" "how so good madam" "all the modern technology they put into it makes it really touchy and pretentious about how it washes clothes and it takes FOREVER because it's so concerned about the 'inegrity of its art'" "i agree never liked those things but HERE we have some old classic washing machines that just do what they're told, no more no less" "oh boy i will take the lot" "yesssssssssssssssssss okay i'll go get the paperwork and we can-" "YO CRAZY SVART WHAT IS UP MY NIGGER" "you're a nigger?!" Gwendolyn storms off in a huff. "I THOUGHT THIS WAS A REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENT" Crazy Svart hangs his head and walks into the noose aisle of Crazy Svart's Used Washing Machines and grabs a length of rope. Crazy Svart ties the rope to the ceiling, and then into a noose. "forgive me" Crazy Svart wraps the noose around his neck and stands on the floor. "dammit i forgot to set up a chair" Crazy Svart sighs and unties the noose. "i guess it's not yet my time" Michelle falls from the ceiling, suspended by a noose. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/washing machine jacket/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 052: 'til There Was Stu [Stu]
"prince jakey i have had my entire network of spies hard at work spying on kathy to catch her in a moment of incompetence so we can use the evidence to strip her of her position and to give it back to you" "that is an amazing use of the nation's spy network at a time of war" "ah here comes my top spy now" Special Agent Grace ziplines into the window. "prince jakey this is special agent grace harriet sherborne though i'm sure you've met already" "hello" "hello prince jakey" Grace shakes her head, remembering the reason she came. "spymaster we have news on the kathy situation" "report" "kathy enjoys taking a half-hour-long bubble bath at precisely 5:30 PM every night" "so let's replace her bubble bath with acid!!!" "uh we don't want to kill her stu" "oh sorry my b" "but if one were to stage an attack while she's neglecting her duties" "my thoughts exactly" "come, grace; it is already 5:00 and there is not much time left" "right away my lord" Jakey and Grace head down to the armoury to hijack a tank. "beep beep coming through" Jakey fires a shell at the wall to his father's bedroom. "that should do it" Jakey and Grace slide into the vent above Kathy's quarters. "KATHY SOMEONE HAS ATTACKED MY OWN BEDROOM, DESTROYING MY KNICK-KNACKS, AND YOU'RE RELAXING?!" "uh sir but i-" "THAT IS IT KATHY CONSIDER THIS YOUR FIRST STRIKE" "aw mannnnnnnnn" "yesssssss two more strikes and she will be kicked off the team" "but at what cost" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek. "i was meant to inherit those knick-knacks someday" "there there" Grace pats Jakey on the back until her phone rings. "jakey urgent phonecall from princess michelle" Jakey grabs the phone from Grace's hands. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bubble bath t-shirt]

Mission 053: I'm Looking Through Stu [Stu]
"report" "kathy has ceased taking her 5:30 bubble bath and instead takes it at 5:15" "clever girl" Jakey paces around the room. "the next step is to have one of us impersonate kathy and do something stupid" "well we could have it be jakey and have hilarious results" "OR we could totally NOT do that and just have grace do it because they have the exact same body type" "i am prepared to make the sacrifice" Jakey throws Grace some clothes, a blonde wig, and teal-coloured contacts. "we move out as soon as you put all that shit on" "do we have a changing room or-" Jakey shakes his head. "right away sir" Grace removes her gear and puts on her disguise. "all right let's get" Jakey hides high atop a tower of the castle and communicates with Grace via radio. "all right talk to that guy" "how is that supposed to help" "you never know" Grace walks up to the guy. "hello sir my name is kathy what business do you have here today" "i am a hunter you can tell by my bow" "why don't you just use a gun" "that HURTS the animal" "and a bow doesn't?" "NO IT DOESN'T SHUT UP" "but-" "SHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UPSHUT UP" The hunter fires his bow at Grace, who nimbly dodges out of the way. The arrow continues to fly, until it lands right in the king's soup. "KATHYYYYYYYYY" Kathy zips into the room, slightly damp. "HOW did this arrow end up in my soup" "uh kathy magazine rates arrows as a top garnish for soups" "and is it to be delivered through the window at high velocity" "yes, it adds a special airy texture that can't be found otherwise" "fair enough" The king goes back to eating his soup. "CURSES" "i thought for sure that would work" "well it's time to regroup; keep the disguise on" "roger" "no, it's jakey" Jakey turns around to head back to the lab, but an arrow sails by his head. Michelle stands with her arms folded behind her back, the ends of a bow plainly visible on either side. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hunter t-shirt]

Mission 054: I Can't Make Stu Love Me [Stu]
"all right plan b did not work; kathy is a much more cunning woman than we'd thought" "that is why i have proposed plan c: the same shit we just did, only hoping for better results" "let's roll" Jakey and Grace (who is still disguised as Kathy) head back to their positions. "grace you know the plan right" "right" Grace walks down the hall gnawing on a bar of chocolate as the king walks down an adjacent hall eating from a jar of peanut butter. The two collide as they round the corner. "YOU GOT YOUR CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER" "YOU GOT YOUR PEANUT BUTTER ON MY CHOCOLATE" "YOU ARE A TOTAL FUCKER KATHY AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU" The king takes a bite out of the peanut butter-covered chocolate bar. "oh man this is so good" The king continues to eat the new creation. "i forgive you kathy great work" The king leaves the hall, eating the best thing he's ever tasted. "DRAT" "who would have ever thought that two great tastes would taste great together" "certainly not me" "well back to the drawing board" Michelle crawls out of a giant empty jar of peanut butter, then collapses to the ground. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/chocolate t-shirt/peanut butter t-shirt/chocolate in peanut butter t-shirt]

Mission 055: I Put a Spell on Stu [Stu]
"plan c was even worse than plan b" "third time's the charm right friends" "let's go" Jakey and Grace head back to their positions once again. "okay talk to that lady" "i'm on it" Grace walks up to the lady. "hello ma'am my name is kathy what business do you have here today" "ah yes hello miss kathy we've got reports of a wall that needs repair" "ah yes right this way ma'am" Grace leads Construction Candice to the throne room. "the wall in front of this throne has been destroyed completely; they even destroyed the rubble" "oh dear we've got to fix this right away" Construction Candice and her crew build up a giant wall in front of the throne. "there you go; this wall is impenetrable and can never be destroyed EVER by any currently-existing technology" "thank you so very much" Grace hands Candice 1.5 times the normal rate for building walls. "thank you muchly" Candice walks out of the room, proud of a job well done. When she is safely out of sight, Grace zips out of the room. The king returns to his throne room. "KATHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" "hello sir what is up" "WHY is there a brick wall in front of my throne you were SUPPOSED to build it over the hole your CARELESSNESS caused" "well uh i thought about it and well i figured this is far better for the feng shui of the room" "... i guess you're right; good work kathy" "dammit" "our zany schemes aren't working!!!" Michelle plows through the new wall like the Kool-Aid Man. "OH YEAH here comes michelle here comes michelle you're gonna take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kool-Aid Man t-shirt/Kool-Aid Man jacket/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 056: I Remember Stu [Stu]
"plan d was the worst yet" "i thought that it was our best plan yet" "me too" "anyway onto the plan e; i had hoped it wouldn't come to this" Stu, Jakey, and Grace knock at Kathy's door. "kathy could you please do something stupid so the king puts jakey back at the general position" "nah" "would fifty canada fun bux change your mind" "deal" Kathy heads to the throne room, tailed by Stu, Jakey, and Grace. "yo king jakey your hair looks stupid" "WHAT" "in fact i am printing a full-page spread on how stupid it looks in the next issue of kathy magazine" "oh that is IT kathy you are stripped of your title and it will now go to my worthless son" "oh damn" Kathy feigns sadness, but is secretly thankful that she got her next ten thousand paychecks in advance. Kathy skips off to deposit her new fifty canada fun bux bill into her bank, The First International Bank of Kathy. "prince jakey you are hereby reinstated as general of the canadian royal military" "jubulations" "don't fuck up again" The king walks off to issue a royal statement that his hair is, in fact, amazing, and not stupid. "all's well that ends well" "word" Michelle slides out from behind a tapestry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/general outfit/Canadian Royal Military missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 057: Miracle Cure [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i'm glad you came" Deputy Orange coughs repeatedly. "as you probably know, i've come down with a terrible disease" "yes sheriff antony told me about the cholera" "what no not cholera; i've got a cold" "oh that's... a lot different" "they say that time is the only cure for this disease but crime won't give me the time i need to recover" Deputy Orange once again begins to cough. "so i've got a plan" Deputy Orange hands Jakey a note. "take this and give it to the wise sage atop the misty mountain; he will know what to do" "all right my friend; you get some rest" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives up to the top of the misty mountain. "oh wise sage; my friend is in dire straits and needs your help" "oh god what has mark knopfler done this time" "..." "..." "not the band" "oh" Jimmy Page's face reddens as Jakey hands him the note. "a cold eh" Jimmy Page reaches into his herb cupboard. "take this and give it to your friend; he should perk right up" "thank you, oh wise sage" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and heads back to Deputy Orange's bedside. "here it is" Jakey pulls out the vial of thyme. "thyme heals all wounds they say" Deputy Orange ingests the thyme and instantly feels better. "man thanks so much jakey how can i ever" "i really like your jacket" "it's yours my friend" Deputy Orange hands Jakey his jacket as Michelle pops out of the vial. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange's jacket]

Mission 058: I Try to Fight but Did You Listen? [Gwendolyn]
"okay jakey apparently zeus johnson was kind of a baller and had A LOT of kids" "i never would have guessed" "nor i but that's the situation we find ourselves in right now" "all right tell me about this new one" Gwendolyn spins around a whiteboard on wheels, covered in pictures and charts. "ares johnson has climbed to the top of the mojavistan military, and has used his considerable influence to declare war on - you guessed it - canada" Jakey slaps his forehead with his palm. "well it's not all bad; the mojavistan military is very dependent on its leadership; if we were to kill ares johnson somehow, they'd likely lose hope and give up" "let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Mojavistan in the cover of night. As they near the Mojavistan military base, The Motherfucker falls into a pit. "A-HA I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU JAKEY" Ares Johnson pumps his fist in triumph as he stands atop a high tower. "YOU MAY HAVE KILLED MY PARENTS AND LITTLE BROTHER, BUT THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GETTING OUT OF THAT PIT ALIVE FOR TO GET OUT YOU HAVE TO GET PAST A DEVIOUS SET OF CHALLENGES AND PUZZLES DESIGNED TO DRIVE EVEN THE MOST CUNNING MAN MAD" Jakey flies out of the pit in The Motherfucker's helicopter mode. "hey no wait that's cheating you fucking dirty cheater" Jakey flies The Motherfucker directly into Ares Johnson, chopping him up with the blades. The Mojavistan military immediately runs away in terror. "that went well" Gwendolyn nods. "now let's go have a celebratory eight-slice pizza" "the only kind of pizza that matters" Jakey and Gwendolyn fly off and touch down on a landing pad on top of the pizza place, where Michelle opens the roof door for them. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mojavistan military uniform]

Mission 059: Even Though You're Gone, I'm Never Finished [Gwendolyn]
"with two children down, a third has emerged and has 'invited' you to compete against her in the ALABAMA DOME" "better a dome than a colosseum i suppose" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the Alabama Dome. "HELLO there jakey you may have defeated my brothers, but there is no way you can stop me, athena johnson, for you will have to defeat me in a battle of wits, which i'm afraid is just impossi-" A gunshot rings out as Athena Johnson's speech is cut short by a bullet wound where her heart was not a minute ago. "easiest one yet" "celebratory omlettes?" "you know it" Jakey gives Gwendolyn a high-five as they exit the Alabama Dome, where the valet returns The Motherfucker. The valet is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alabama Dome jacket]

Mission 060: I Can Never be Your God and I Don't Even Think I Want the Job Anymore [Gwendolyn]
"all right the latest child to enter the fray is apollo johnson" Gwendolyn clicks on the projector to start the slideshow. "apollo johnson has anchored the earth in place, halting its rotation and creating a perpetual daytime for this part of the world" "oh dear" "if this continues, our half of the world will be fried, and the opposite half of the world will enter a new ice age; now i can't come with you on this one for obvious reasons, so i'll stay here and provide support over the headset" "got it" Gwendolyn turns to the monitors as Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and flies over to the anchor. "so glad you could make it jakey" A monitor flicks on, showing Apollo Johnson's twisted face. "this anchor is made of the hardest metal known to man and cannot be destroyed" Jakey recoils in horror as he turns to the anchor made entirely of DragonForce CDs. "YOU CANNOT STOP MY PLANS JAKEY; YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" Jakey walks up to the anchor and cuts the rope attaching it to the sun. "... GODDAMMIT" Apollo Johnson pounds on his keyboard, causing the shack he's holed up in to fall apart. Jakey turns to see that Apollo Johnson was right behind him the whole time. "uh pay no attention to the man-" A gunshot rings out, and Apollo Johnson looks down to find a hole where his heart used to be. "fuck" "you're pretty good at that" "well i was trained by sheriff antony" "you up for some chinese food?" "you know it" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker to get some takeout, when he bumps into Michelle catching some rays. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/anchor jacket/DragonForce jacket]

Mission 061: What am I Supposed to do Now? [Gwendolyn]
"child number five is aphrodite johnson, who hosts a talk show about mending failed relationships" Gwendolyn points her pointer at a picture of the studio. "her episode tonight is about mending the failed relationship between you and a cold grave, all in front of a live studio audience" "i can appreciate the wordplay there, but i'd rather not reunite with the cold earth" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the studio. "TONIGHT on a very special episode of our programme, we will be mending the failed relationship with jakey and a cold grave, all in front of a live studio audience" "the wordplay isn't as enjoyable the second time, you know" A lighting fixture falls straight down onto Jakey's head. "uh can i get a little help here" Gwendolyn pushes the giant light off of Jakey, who then heals his wounds instantly. "luckily, i always have a back-up plan" Aphrodite Johnson pulls out a giant magnum and shoots five bullets into Jakey's skull. Seeing that Jakey has successfully shrugged off all five, and healed his wounds instantly, Aphrodite Johnson turns her last bullet to Gwendolyn's head. The bullet sails straight through, but doesn't really do anything else. "can't kill what's already dead lady" "but the bullets were pure silver!!!" "that's werewolves" "GODDAMMIT FUCKING MARY SUE-ASS PROTAGONIST AND HIS FUCKING UNDEAD GIRLFRIEND FUCKING RUINING ALL OF MY GODDAMN-" Aphrodite Johnson's speech is cut short by a bullet, sailing straight through her chest. "let's go heal up that gunshot wound" "good idea" Jakey and Gwendolyn head to the medical centre, where Jakey pours some blood into Gwendolyn's wound. Nurse Michelle takes off her mask and breathes a sigh of relief. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cold grave jacket/giant magnum appears at safehouses]

Mission 062: How am I Supposed to Live Now? [Gwendolyn]
"child number six is hermes johnson, who is a world champion marathon-runner" Gwendolyn points her pointer at a picture of a strand of DNA. "apparently, to create this specimen, zeus johnson reproduced with a sanic" "well that's-" "COME ON STEP IT UP" "oh god he's here already" "YOU'RE TOO SLOW" Gwendolyn and Jakey step outside to see Hermes Johnson circumventing the world in mere seconds. "WAY PAST COOL" "how can we defeat something that fast" "THAT'S NO GOOD" "got no other options; only one thing to do" Jakey casually sticks out his foot. "COME ON STEP IT UP" Jakey's foot is torn clean off by Hermes Johnson's run. "..." "..." "okay that could have gone better" "THAT'S NO GOOD" "i've got an idea" "WAY PAST COOL" Jakey walks over to the giant anchor Apollo Johnson had set up. "YOU'RE TOO SLOW" Hermes Johnson careens straight into the anchor, the fastest thing alive plowing straight into the hardest metal known to man at full speed. The anchor remains firm, but Hermes Johnson simply splatters straight onto the anchor. Jakey walks over to the splattered remains of Hermes Johnson. "that's no good" "that is probably the best one-liner you will ever say, which is sad because it was such a lob" "can't you just let me be cool once" Gwendolyn shrugs. Michelle walks out and begins scraping the remains of Hermes Johnson into a frying pan, as Sanics are a delicacy in Alabama. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sanic jacket]

Mission 063: All I Ever Did Was Try but the Story Ends, so I Guess I'll Have to Die [Gwendolyn]
"child number seven is persephone johnson, who is the 'queen' of a group of hobos in the tunnels beneath alabama" Gwendolyn points her pointer at a picture of the entrances to the underground tunnels. "all entrances to the underground tunnels are guarded by heavily-armed hobos in order to prevent anyone from destroying the bomb they are building beneath the alabama national athletics league" Gwendolyn points her pointer at a picture of the bomb. "we have twenty-four hours before this bomb is completed, so we'd better hurry because i have to be back home by sunrise" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the Alabama National Athletics League. Jakey quickly transforms The Motherfucker into a tunneling drill, and tunnels into the earth, drill piercing straight through Persephone Johnson. "now to disarm the bomb" Jakey walks over to the bomb and inspects it carefully. "uh do you know anything about bombs" "oh yeah we disarmed these all the time back in the 16th century" "fine i'll ask an expert" Jakey pulls out his phone. "siri how do i disarm this bomb" "cut the red wire" "thanks siri" Jakey puts his phone back into his pocket and cuts the red wire, disarming the bomb and saving his athletics league from destruction. "so i'm thinking tacos tonight" "sounds good" Jakey and Gwendolyn exit the tunnels, passing by Michelle warming her hands over a flaming garbage can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/flaming garbage can jacket/Alabama National Athletics League missions]

Mission 064: Where am I Supposed to Go Now? [Gwendolyn]
"child number eight is perseus johnson, best known for beheading medusa smith, the leader of a radical terrorist group" "ah yes the group that wanted weed to be legalised in alabama, at any cost" "the very same; perseus johnson is known for his ruthless efficiency and 100% success rate" "time to knock that one down a peg" Jakey cracks his knuckles. "ow" Just then, the door is kicked down and a large hunk of it flies straight into Gwendolyn's stomach. "i am so glad i replaced all the old wooden doors with metal ones" Perseus Johnson grabs Gwendolyn, holding her in one arm while pointing a wooden stake at her heart with the other. "THIS IS SUB-OPTIMAL" "now you will know what it feels like to lose so much as i have" In one swift motion, Jakey pulls out his gun and fires at Perseus Johnson. A gunshot rings out, and a bullet hole appears where Perseus's left eye used to be. He and Gwendolyn fall to the ground, and Gwendolyn crawls as far away from the wooden stake as possible. "get that THING out of here" Jakey throws the body and the wooden stake into the incinerator. "i'm too old for this shit" Gwendolyn slumps back on the couch as Michelle crawls out of the incinerator. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/420 jacket/snakes jacket]

Mission 065: Progress Marches Ever Onward [Construction Candice]
"jakey someone has invented a process by which buildings can be constructed instantly once permission has been granted by the government, without needing to have materials or workers" "that sounds amazingly convenient, but also horrible for our economy and the job market" Candice nods. "we need to destroy the entire family of the person who would DARE to do this and SALT THE EARTH SO NO ONE CAN RAISE A FAMILY ON THAT DAMNED GROUND EVER AGAIN" Jakey nervously glances from side to side. "let's uh start with destroying the invention and see where it goes from there" "all right" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Japan, where they enter the lab of Professor Robert Truckdriver 73. "hello how may i help you" "pretend you never saw us" "saw whom" Kathy returns to her magazine as Jakey and Candice crawl through the ventilation ducts to the room over the laboratory proper. "there it is" "FOR THE MIDDLE-CLASS" Candice dive-bombs the machine, getting stuck in its smokestack. "mmf mmmmf!!!" "ah shit wait there" "MMF MMMF MMMF" Jakey drops down into the room and attempts to pull Candice out of the smokestack, but cannot. "uh uh give me a minute" "mmffffffffffff" Jakey fiddles with some knobs and dials, causing the smokestack to erupt, spitting out not only Candice, but a metric shitload of carbon monoxide. "is this how it ends" Jakey fumbles around and finds a single gasmask, which he affixes to Candice's face. Jakey puts Candice's arm over his shoulder and walks her out through the gas, throwing a single grenade into the smokestack as he does. The machine explodes, releasing more and more carbon monoxide into the room. Jakey weakly walks Candice out of the room, and collapses before he can exit himself. "jakey wake up please" Candice drags Jakey out of the room by the leg. "please wake up i would really appreciate it" Candice writes a formal letter requesting that Jakey wake up. "what happened" "oh thank you so much for responding to my letter" Jakey looks down to see a letter written in fancy script on Candice's personal letterhead. "um you're welcome?" Michelle exits the carbon monoxide-filled room, naked. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/framed formal letter appears at safehouses]

Mission 066: Salting the Earth [Construction Candice]
"jakey the terrorists are building a second device on an off-shore location just south of here" "woah what terrorists" Candice shoves her arms forward incredulously. "THE TERRORISTS JAKEY THE ONES BUILDING THE INVENTION THAT WILL DESTROY THE LIVELIHOODS OF MILLIONS OF HARD-WORKING BLUE COLLAR WORKERS THE WORLD OVER" "oh those terrorists" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and fly to the off-shore plant. "there it is" "oh god it's even bigger than the last one" "so we've got a nuke onboard right" "uh sorry we're fresh out" "see this is what they always talk about you politicians and your nuclear wars are ruining our lives now we don't have nuclear missiles to launch at the people who actually need to be nuked" "it's okay i've got an even better idea" Jakey uses The Motherfucker's grappling hook to grab a blue whale straight out of the water, and drops it into the larger machine's smokestack, then hightails it right out of there. "Core Temperatures Are Critical Captain" "Is That A Whale" "Aren't They Endangered" "Well So Are We Now" "I Always Knew Nature Would Fight Back Someday" "Mama I'm Coming Home" The reactor explodes, destroying the offshore plant. "that whale died a hero" "rest in peace" Jakey and Candice have a moment of silence for their falled whale friend. "so you up for some seafood" "am i ever" The explosion sends Michelle hurtling toward The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/whale jacket]

Mission 067: With Glowing Hearts, We See Thee Rise [The Canadian Royal Military]
"all right men since the whole 'nuclear option' failed, we're going to have to go to plan b" "a long and grueling military campaign in the heart of the capital of alabama?" "ha ha ha no" Jakey pulls down a rolled-up curtain with his plans on it. "first, i and my top agent will take this time machine, then we go back in time to before alabama and canada were at war, and we sabotage all of their nuclear missiles so that they can't destroy our nuclear missile over the ocean" "but sir won't that cause a time paradox where you'll have no reason to go back in time to destroy their nuclear missiles" "i will leave my future self a note" "damn you thought of everything" Jakey and Grace hop into the time machine and head back to just before the war broke out, then head to the capital of Alabama. "ayyo king bran can i see the nation's stockpile of nuclear missiles" "i don't see why not" King Bran rings Jakey and Grace through to the nuclear missile shed, and the two remove key parts from every nuclear missile there. "mission accomplished let's go" "why don't we just kill king bran right now while he's not expecting it" "he hasn't wronged us yet so it would be an unprovoked attack against a valuable ally and i don't think i could explain that one away" "oh very well then" Jakey and Grace hop back into the time machine and wave goodbye to King Bran, hopefully for the final time. "eheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh" King Bran looks shiftily from side to side. "good thing they didn't press the secret button on the wall of the nuclear missile shed and find the secret tunnel underneath my nuclear missile shed where i keep EXACTLY ONE NUCLEAR MISSILE" The time machine warps back to the present. "hey guys were back" "hey prince jakey your plan didn't work" "FUCK" Jakey turns around and pounds his fist on the nearest surface, which happens to be Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/nuclear waste jacket]

Mission 068: The True North, Strong and Free [The Canadian Royal Military]
"all right men this next plan is FLAWLESS" "that's what you said about the last one" "the last plan WAS flawless it's just that the execution left a lot to be desired" "fair enough" "i've realised that a lot of people i care about (read:waifus and sheriff antony) live in alabama and that the two countries' economies and trade industries complement eachother very well or whatever, so complete destruction of the nation may not be the best idea" "oh thank god" "so instead we are just going to assassinate their complete cunt of a king and hope his successor isn't a cunt" "sounds good" Jakey rolls down a rolled-up curtain with his plans on it. "every wednesday morning at 3 PM king bran and his body double go out for a walk at alabama national park" Jakey points a picture of a book depository. "sniper 1, me, will fire at one of the kings from this book depository, and sniper 2, grace, will fire at the other king from this grassy knoll" "sounds good" "let's move out" Jakey and Grace hop into The Motherfucker and fly on down to Alabama. "everyone in positions" "check" "fire on three ready?" Grace nods, but quickly realises that Jakey can't actually see her and feels shame and embarrassment. "THREE" Jakey and Grace fire, killing both King Brans in the park. "great job team-wait what's this" Jakey looks down his scope to see the real King Bran mooning him. "DAMN HE HAD A BODY TRIPLE" Jakey and Grace both attempt to fire their sniper rifles at King Bran, but both hear clicking sounds. "DAMMIT WE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT MORE THAN ONE BULLET" Jakey throws his headset to the ground in disgust. Michelle walks over to Jakey carrying a stack of books taller than she is. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/book depository t-shirt/grassy knoll t-shirt]

Mission 069: From Far and Wide, O Canada, We Stand on Guard for Thee [The Canadian Royal Military]
"all right men execution keeps derailing these flawless plans but NO MORE I SAY" Jakey rolls down a rolled-up curtain with his plans on it. "so - death robots, right?" "uh prince jakey the war is over" "WHAT" "king jakey and king bran have settled on a peace treaty" "oh goddammit" Jakey turns to the death robot he built. "what in the fuck am i supposed to do with this now" The death robot suddenly fires its lasers and missiles, and its head flies off, sending Michelle crashing into the dirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/death robot jacket/King Bran missions]

Mission 070: There's a Man Who Leads a Life of Danger [Special Agent Grace]
"oh hey jakey i was just about to go on a mission" "oh boy i love missions can i come" "i don't see why not" Jakey and Grace hop into the stealth helicopter. "okay our mission today is to spy on the great cheryl to hopefully figure out how she does all of those amazing magic tricks" "i-isn't this kind of dangerous for a first mission" "yes it is" The stealth helicopter flies off down to Alabama and the site of The Great Cheryl's latest magic show. The stealth helicopter hovers just outside the window of The Great Cheryl's backroom. "so like i had this idea right? why don't we combine two of history's greatest magic tricks: pull a rabbit out of a hat, then saw it in half" "then we magically return the rabbit to being a whole rabbit right" The Great Cheryl's face contorts into a visage of pure confusion. "what, we use a stapler?" "i was thinking a glue stick" "all right i'll have an intern get two test setups ready, one with a stapler and one with a glue stick and we'll see which one is more magical" The Great Cheryl unclasps her hand, releasing confetti as she says 'magical', then leaves the room. "all right let's get in there and see who she was talking to" Grace and Jakey leap through the window into the room, and the window instantly repairs itself. "there's no one else here" "maybe she was communing with spirits" "I WAS ALSO ABSENT FROM SPY SCHOOL THE DAY WE LEARNED HOW TO DEAL WITH GHOSTS" "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE" Grace and Jakey crash back through the window into the stealth helicopter and fly off as fast as they can. "i think we lost them" "BEHIND YOU" Jakey turns around in horror to see Michelle wearing a sheet. "oOoOoOoOoO tAkE mE hOmE"
[reward: respect +/sheet/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 071: To Everyone He Meets, He Stays a Stranger [Special Agent Grace]
"hopefully our mission today won't have any ghosts in it" "god willing" Jakey and Grace hop into the stealth helicopter. "today we're spying on sheriff antony because he's usually up to some cool shit and we want in on it" "damn the sheriff-folk always hoarding the cool shit to themselves" The stealth helicopter flies down to Alabama and Sheriff Antony's house. "what's he doing" "watching tv-WAIT he's watching the latest episode of super-magical kawaii desu show-kun!!!" "ACTIVATE THE LISTENING DEVICES" Grace and Jakey stare intently at the screen and listen to the sweet, sweet sounds of the second greatest anime ever made. "that was the best episode ever" "word" "the king was right; sheriff antony's shit is dope" "the dopest" "UNDERSTAND THAT" Grace and Jakey look back at Michelle with piercing, furious glares. "t-take me home"
[reward: respect +/Super-Magical Kawaii Desu Show-Kun!!! shirt/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 072: With Every Move He Makes [Special Agent Grace]
"hopefully today's mission will be as exciting as the last one" "i still can't believe what happened" "nor i" Jakey and Grace hop into the stealth helicopter. "today we're off to the north pole to spy on santa himself" "what did he do" "oh nothing king jakey just wants to be sure he's on the nice list" "oh that's really good thinking" The stealth helicopter flies up to the North Pole and Santa's Workshop. "hey santa there is a situation that needs your attention in loading bay three" "ho ho ho i'll get on that right now, leaving my .txt file with the nice list on it conveniently on the 'j' section" Santa follows the elf out of the room, and Grace spies on the screen using her binoculars. "there are several dozen jakeys on this list" "that's him right there" Jakey points to a single listing of the name 'Jakey' in the middle of a sea of 'Jakey's. "and there i am right below him" "how can you tell" "because that's my name?" "but-" "there are millions of jakeys in this world but that one is me; it is a jakey that resonates with the experiences that i have had in my 25 years of life" "i'll take your word for it" Michelle drops through the chimney of Santa's Workshop, tiptoes over to the computer, and scrolls down the list to find her own name in a sea of 'Michelle's, breathing a sigh of relief, then scrolls back up as if nothing happened. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Santa missions]

Mission 073: Another Chance He Takes [Special Agent Grace]
"we are plowing through these missions; onto the next" "i'm always up for a good mission (or even one that is just okay)" Jakey and Grace hop into the stealth helicopter. "today we're going to hell itself to spy on satan" "oh cool hell is really nice this time of year" "oh? i've never been" "it's a beautiful place; remind me to show you around sometime" "oh definitely" The stealth helicopter flies down to Hell itself and Satan's house, which has been converted to a socks and sandals store. "okay what in the world has happened here" "oh if it isn't jakey!!! long time no see bud" Satan opens the door. "come in come in make yourselves at home" "thanks satan" Jakey and Grace head inside and take a seat as nervous sweat pours down Grace's face. "so who's your friend" "h-hi i'm g-grace" "hello grace; i'm satan great to meet you" "g-great to meet you t-too" "no need to be nervous we're all friends here" "so satan what's up with the socks and sandals store" "well i've been taking in a lot of damned soles lately so i decided i might as well make use of them and make some nice socks and sandals with them" "if life gives you lemons right" "right" Michelle walks up, showing off her new Soles of the Damned. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Soles of the Damned/Satan missions]

Mission 074: Odds are He Won't Live to See Tomorrow [Special Agent Grace]
"so what's our mission today grace" "i'm actually on leave for the rest of the week so there's no-" Grace sees the look of disappointment on Jakey's face. "actually there is a mission we can undertake today; king jakey said that i should scout out hell's best restaurants and find a suitable location for his dinner tonight" "oh boy i know just the place" Jakey's eyes light up as he drags Grace by the arm into The Motherfucker, and turns it into a rocket, flying all the way out to Hell's finest restaurant, Brimstone Burger. "hello welcome to brimstone burger home of the world-famous brimstone burger; what can i get for you today" "i'll try a brimstone burger" "i'll have the chicken fingers" "coming right up" Shopkeepour reaches his hand into the Vortex of Infinite Torment, pulling from it one perfectly-cooked Brimstone Burger. He then heads into the back and grabs some chicken fingers and french fries from the fryer. "that will be 20 hell fun bux" Jakey hands the man his money and he and Grace take the food back to their table. "this might be the best burger i've ever had" "i wouldn't know; i can't get past these chicken fingers" The two dine and laugh and carry on until they are interrupted by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brimstone Burger t-shirt/vague relationship with Grace]