ADVENTURE
HEY MISTER CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK

ADVENTURE

HEY MISTER CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK
 
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 The Next Big Thing (2015)

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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:19 am

Mission 075: Buried and Forgotten [The Alabama National Athletics League]
"all right boys we haven't been on a proper adventure in a long time" "arrrrrgh it's been 3,000 years cap'n" "arrrrrrrgh poor magentabeard be startin' to rust" "arrrrgh be it finally time boop beep" "it be" Jakey lays down a treasure map. "this is the forgotten island of australia; uninhabited by all but the most deadly of creatures" Twelve audible gulps are heard. "we're going to the island next to it, crossbone isle, which is the home of nothing but the ghost of the dread sailor captain ebonybeard who guards his treasure in the afterlife from all who might try to take it, forcing them to be part of his ghostly crew" Twelve sighs of relief hit Jakey's ears at once. "arrrrgh the be all?" "arrrrrrgh let's be shovin' off cap'n" "word" Jakey leads his crew to their ship, The Black Togekiss. "arrrrgh i still don't be knowin' why we had to be changin' the name" "i've told you; every piece of the original ship has been destroyed and/or replaced; once you replace every piece of the ship, it is no longer the same ship" The Black Togekiss sails off for Crossbone Isle. "ArRrRrRrGh WhO dArEs To SeT fOoT oN cRoSsBoNe IsLe" "yeah yeah cut the spooky shit just come on out and fight me faggot" "arrrrrrrrrgh with pleasure" Night suddenly falls on Crossbone Isle. "arrrgh uh cap'n we be supportin' ye from the lower decks" "arrrgh yes deep below decks" Jakey's fearless crew runs as fast as they can below deck. "arrrrrrrrgh ha ha ha that be your fearsome crew? how do they even call themselves sailors" "it's a mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the crow's nest of the ship. "arrrrgh and who be this wench" "oh hey i'm erin" "arrrrrrgh that be a fine name; how would ye like to be me ghost bride" "well uh do you have any mysteries around here to solve" "arrrrrrrgh uh no" "then i'll pass" "arrrrrrrrrgh ye won't have a choice once me ghostly crew be done with ye" Ebonybeard summons his ghostly crew from the netherworld. "this is the second-most ghost sailors i've ever seen at one time" "don't worry i got this" Jakey chucks a large clove of garlic into the middle of the crowd. "JAKEY THAT'S VAMPIRES NOT GHOSTS" "that explains why gwendolyn never wants to go to the olive garden" "oh i'm sure there are more reasons than just that" "it's okay i've got a backup plan" Jakey chucks out a PokÚorb, summoning out Gengar. "GENGAR; SHADOW BALL" Gengar uses shadow ball to destroy all the ghost sailors on the island. "ARRRRRRRRRGH CURSE YEEEEE" "why didn't you start with that one" "and waste perfectly good dramatic tension? never" Jakey's crew erupts from below deck. "ARRRRGH YE DID IT CAP'N AND KATHY" "ARRRGH KATHY BE LOOKIN' A BIT MORE ASIAN THAN USUAL" "now to get that treasure" Jakey rushes up to the treasure chest hidden in the captain's cabin of Ebonybeard's ship and opens it to find nothing but a slip of paper that says "friendship". "..." "arrrgh that be real sweet" "arrrrrgh it be true; the greatest treasure of all be friendship" "i hate this game" "arrrrrgh wait look the chest be havin' a false bottom cap'n" "oh boy oh boy oh boy oh" Jakey removes the false bottom of the chest to find Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crossbone Isle jacket/Ebonybeard jacket/Gengar/Gwendolyn missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:19 am

Mission 076: Honour and Tradition [King Bran]
"so jakey how do you feel about the peace between our two nations now" A huge, cheeky grin appears on King Bran's face. "you're a complete fucker, you know that? but one day you will slip up and there will be retribution" "you sound mad" "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME YOU LITTLE BITC-" "yeah yeah whatever now listen either we can sit here and hash out the same arguments as before, both leaving bitter and angry, OR" King Bran presses a button, causing a pedestal to rise from the floor. Atop the pedestal is a large box covered in question marks. "you can have what's in the box" "THE BOX THE BOX" Jakey rips the cover off the box to reveal its contents, Michelle. "that's... not what i put in there" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Box appears at safehouses]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 077: Oh Ho Ho It's Magic [The Great Cheryl]
"oh there you are jerry good timing the government has been cracking down on me for sawing 'alive' people in half so i need you to head to the graveyard and dig up some dead bodies for me to use" "CAN DO MA'AM" Jakey spins about on one heel and hops into The Motherfucker, heading down to the graveyard. "what a nice place" Jakey walks up to the gravedigger's shack and knocks on the door. "AH" Crashing and banging is heard as the gravedigger goes to the door. "s-sorry about the noise um how can i h-help you" "i'd like to acquire some cadavers for my business" "o-oh right yeah um wait here p-please" The gravedigger grabs her shovel and leads Jakey out back. "so what's your name" "v-valdis alana caulfield b-but please call me valerie" "got it valerie" "s-so h-here we are any n-names stand out to you" "we want cheap labour so dig us up some carloses pablos miguels and rauls" "o-on it" "nice eyepatch btw" "th-thanks" Valerie digs up a dozen corpses, named Carlos, Miguel, Carlos, Raul, Carlos, Carlos, Raul, Miguel, Pablo, Carlos, Carlos, Pablo, and Carlos. "i-is there anything e-else you'd like" "no that'll be it thanks" Jakey hands Valerie 200 Alabama Fun Bux and heads back to The Motherfucker. "th-this is more than i make in a year" Valerie heads back inside her shack to make dinner, a smile forming on her face for the first time in a long time, as Jakey drives back to the theatre. "oh thanks jeremy" The Great Cheryl flips a shiny nickel at Jakey. "wow, a raise" Michelle levitates into the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gravedigger Valerie missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 078: You Know [The Great Cheryl]
"all right jared here it is; i am being sued by a bunch of 'wizards' claiming that i can't call what i do magic because it 'undermines' whatever it is they do, AND WHAT'S MORE, they also demand that i change my name from 'the great cheryl' to 'the mediocre at best cheryl'" "those wizards have gone too far this time" "now go out there and solve this problem by any means necessary" "CAN DO" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and makes his way to the Mystic Forest. "oh ho ho young one; i see you seek the wizards of the mystic forest" "atnegam i know that's you just summon the rest of you so we can settle this like MEN" Twelve imposing wizards clad in multi-coloured robes appear in equally as colourful puffs of smoke. "all right what can i do for you so you'll leave the great cheryl alone" "get the great cheryl to stop sullying the names of us real masters of the arcane" "aside from that i mean" "then we will never stop and never surrender" "ah well time for plan b" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and turns it into a giant bulldozer. "goodbye mystic forest, we hardly knew ye" "WAIT WAIT we've uh changed our minds" "yeah we love the great charlene" "i would have consensual sex with her in the missionary position any day of the week except thursday because that's bingo night" "i knew you'd all see reason" Jakey turns The Motherfucker back into a car and drives back to the theatre. "you won't be having trouble with them any more" "where are their corpses i need them for the magic act" "uh they're still alive" "goddammit james what part of 'by any means necessary' don't you understand" Sweat pours down Jakey's face as he hopes and prays for any sort of distraction. His prayers are answered when Michelle falls from the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mystic Forest jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 079: Never Believe It's Not So [The Great Cheryl]
"jonathan, i have been working on my latest trick and i need your medical skills nearby in case it goes wrong; this is the most dangerous trick ever performed by mortal (wo)man" "i'm here for you" The Great Cheryl nods and places a single yellow 2x4 LEGO brick on the ground. "wait you're not seriously going to-" "SILENCE THIS REQUIRES TOTAL CONCENTRATION" The room grows silent as The Great Cheryl steels herself for the greatest trick anyone could ever hope to witness. The Great Cheryl takes off both her socks and sandals, meaning there will be no barrier between her tender flesh and what it is about to come in contact with. Jakey can't even breathe as he watches the bravest woman to ever exist walk across the stage, directly toward the LEGO brick. The Great Cheryl's right foot presses down on the LEGO brick, and she continues walking as if nothing had happened. "WHAT" "ta-da!!!" The Great Cheryl winks at the audience and pulls off a bunch of cute poses, then quickly returns to her normal, impatient self. "go on, check to make sure no bones are broken" Jakey scrambles out of his seat and carefully inspects the affected area, but it's like nothing had ever happened. "i-i don't believe it" "i will go down in history as a legend" The Great Cheryl leaves the room, smug and self-assured. The clean-up crew quickly disposes of the LEGO brick so that no one will injure themselves horribly. Michelle takes off her Haz-Mat suit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the feeling that nothing will impress you ever again]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 080: Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Sheriff's Life for Me [Sheriff Antony]
"i've noticed a certain amount of lawlessness from sailors on the high seas lately; it's time to take my sheriffing skills out to sea" "i'll have my loyal crew get the ship ready" Jakey calls up his crew, and everyone gets the Black Togekiss ready to sail. "arrrrrrrgh the seas be good for sailin' today cap'n" "good; now sheriff antony is our special guest today; treat him only slightly worse than you'd treat me" "arrrrrrrgh aye-aye cap'n" Onyxbeard salutes Jakey as he takes the wheel. Jakey pilots the ship out to sea, while he, Sheriff Antony, and the crew sing classic sea shanties such as The Drunken Sailor, Blow the Man Down, and Come Sail Away. "ARRRRRRGH CAP'N BOGEYS AT FOUR O'CLOCK" "it's 5:30" Ceruleanbeard grabs Jakey and turns him to four o'clock. "oh damn" Four large battleships approach from the 4 o'clockwardly direction. "uh ready the cannons and shit" "no need" "wha-" Sheriff Antony leaps off the bow of the boat and dives into the water, swimming to and disabling each ship in unison. "..." "..." "..." "m-my way would have worked too guys" "SHERIFFING COMPLETE" Sheriff Antony disappears in a puff of smoke, causing everyone else to cough uncontrollably. "today i learned that, yes, there IS such a thing as 'too cool'" Michelle walks down the deck of the ship wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Styx t-shirt]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 081: Ho Ho, Ho Ho, A Christmas Life for Me [Santa]
"jakey i have made a list and checked it twice, but there are a few cases where i need help deciding if they are truly naughty or nice" "sounds like the job for me; line 'em up" Santa lines up a bunch of people. "name" "kathy" "FULL name" Kathy sighs. "katherine emily orenstein" "tell me about why you should be put onto the nice list" "i've given santa plenty of positive exposure in kathy magazine" "it says here you hate puppies and children; your response" "that's a typo" " okay you're good NEXT" Kathy is added to the nice list, then shot out of a cannon back to her home. "name" "Robert Truckdriver Forty-Nine" "tell me about why you should be put onto the nice list" "I Have Helped Plenty Of Old Ladies Cross The Street" "it also says here you're part of a cult attempting to obtain ancient artefacts in order to achieve uncertain goals; what are said goals" "Listen I'll Be Honest: I Have No Idea" "then why-" "I Am Just In It For The Chicks" "okay that makes sense NEXT" Robert Truckdriver is added to the nice list, then shot out of a cannon back to his home. "name" "michelle" "FULL name" "michelle cole adjutant" "tell me about why you should be put onto the nice list" "i have a better idea; why don't YOU tell ME why you're not taking me home"
[reward: respect +/Christmas jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 082: Kindred Souls [Satan]
"jakey i need you to collect some souls for me; i usually have adolf do it, but he's sick" "can do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives off to harvest some souls. "knock knock" "who's there" "banana" "banana who" "knock knock" "who's there" "banana" "banana who" "knock knock" "oh fuck off i'm sick of your shit banana" "that... could have gone better" Jakey climbs up the house and slinks down the chimney, right onto a roaring fire. "FUCK IT BURNS FIRE OH GOD" Jakey runs around screaming. "oh goddammit banana" Kathy grabs a bucket of water and pours it over Jakey. "oh THANKS now i'm all wet" "oh no how can i ever make it up to you for getting you wet trying to put out the fire caused by you breaking into my house" "i'll accept a payment of souls and we'll call it even" "fine whatever" Kathy gives Jakey a handful of souls and shoos him out the door, where Michelle is waiting. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/banana jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:20 am

Mission 083: They Did the Mash [Gwendolyn]
"jakey the big monsters bake sale is this weekend and i've got to you know bake something" "why? you're not a monster" "technically vampires are classified as monsters by alabama national law, and we can't appeal that law for another couple years, so i'm stuck" "can't you just like not go" "the last vampire who decided to just 'not go' had his house flooded with holy water" "so what did you have in mind" "i've never baked anything in my life; i always just mooched off of count dracula, but his body has been destroyed again by some 'do-gooder' adventurers" "okay why don't we just buy some dessert at the store and pass it off as your own cooking" "a werewolf tried that last year; they shot him right then and there with a silver bullet" "who even runs this bake sale" "the three most feared monsters of all - count chocula, frankenberry, and boo berry" "we can take those fuckers out let's do this shit" Jakey punches the air repeatedly. "it's worth a shot i suppose; it has a better chance of success than either of us learning to bake" "all right get some plans drawn up on the white board while i do what i do best" Jakey walks over to the cupboard, where Michelle is wating inside. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vampire jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 084: They Did the Monster Mash [Gwendolyn]
"first up, we will go after the medium of the three big monsters, so the second one will seem really easy" "sounds good" "first is frankenberry, a hulking mass of a man(?) who acts as chief enforcer for the three" "does he have any weaknesses" "not particularly no" "joy" "he primarily hangs out at this casino, where he kicks out any cheaters or troublemakers" "let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the casino. "so here's the plan; you go make trouble and then i'll shoot the guy in the head" "why do i always have to be the bait" "fine whatever i'll be the bait" Jakey hands his gun to Gwendolyn and walks into the casino. "hello would you like any chips today" "no thanks i brought my own" "oh all right" Jakey walks right past Kathy into the casino. "hey wait a minute SECURITY" Frankenberry grabs Jakey by the head and carries him out to the parking lot, where Gwendolyn is waiting. "all right it's my time to shine" Gwendolyn takes aim at Frankenberry's head and pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. "oops left the safety on let's try that one again" Frankenberry whips Jakey around and around over his head as Gwendolyn fires at his head. Frankenberry's grip loosens and Jakey is flung into a row of parked cars, breaking every bone in his body. Frankenberry falls to the ground, dead. "i did it!!!" "i'm so happy for you" Jakey collapses as his bones mend themselves. Jakey wakes up in the back seat of The Motherfucker, as Gwendolyn drives back home. "i'm also getting the hang of this driving thing" Jakey looks back to see broken lamp posts and fire hydrants, wrecked cars, and injured pedestrians. "no worse than i am generally" "well here we are; i know you're busy so i'll just let you two go" "two?" Michelle turns around from the passenger seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Frankenberry jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 085: It Was a Graveyard Smash [Gwendolyn]
"secondly, we've got the weakest of the three, boo berry; i have no idea why this guy is even here, he doesn't actually do anything" "he's probably related to someone important" "well in any case, he's scared and holed up in his home on spectre street, so all we need to do is figure out how to defeat a ghost" "i think we need a priest to banish the wandering spirit back to wherever it came from" "well good luck with that i'll just stay here away from people who consider it their duty to kill me" "sounds good" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to the Exorcismz Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a fresh stick of 5 chewing gum. "hello i need a priest to banish a wandering spirit for me" "YOU'RE IN LUCK; we've got the hottest priest to hit the religious circuit in the last year" "you don't mean-" "I DO" Father Brucie enters the room. "i hear you have need of a priest, my son" "come with me i'll explain on the way" Jakey and Father Brucie hop into The Motherfucker and drive out to Boo Berry's house. "he's in here father" "stand back my son i will frag this charlie" Father Brucie enters the house. "OoOoOoOoOo WhO dArEs To EnTeR mY dOmAiN" "A MAN OF THE CLOTH, HERE TO BANISH YOUR ASS BACK TO WHENCE YOU CAME" "please don't" "too late i've already started" "fuck" Father Brucie banishes Boo Berry back to whence he came. "and we are done here my son" "oh man thank you that saved me a lot of time and effort" "but not a lot of money" Father Brucie hands Jakey his bill. "do you accept treasure" "of course my son" "okay how about the greatest treasure of all: friendship" "i do not accept that kind of treasure" "dammit" Jakey forks over ten thousand Alabama Fun Bux. "pleasure doing business with you my son" Father Brucie walks home and throws Jakey's money onto the floor, where he proceeds to do money angels. Michelle pops up out of The Motherfucker's trunk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Boo Berry jacket/Father Brucie missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 086: It Caught on in a Flash [Gwendolyn]
"finally, we have the big boss man himself, count chocula; now whatever you do to kill him would also likely kill me, so i will once again be staying home for this one" "fair enough" Jakey turns around. "wait take this with you" Gwendolyn hands Jakey a small book. "what is this" "it's count chocula's diary; i found it in the office of that casino" "oh man tell me there's some juicy shit in here" "the juciest" "yesssssssss" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to Count Chocula's castle. "so glad you could make it uh dude" Count Chocula descends from the rafters. "but you will not be leaving here alive, and when you're my vampiric servant, i will make you watch as i drive a stake straight through gwendolyn's heart" "yeah i imagine your plans are pretty grand but i WILL be leaving here alive, and gwendolyn WON'T be turning to dust tonight" Jakey pulls out Count Chocula's diary and wiggles it a little. "WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT" "i'm not sure; maybe reading into it a bit will help me remember" "NO DON'T" "'dear diary'" "PLEASE" "'today i left an anonymous note in gwendolyn's cubby at the monster social club; i hope she likes it and by extension me'" "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Count Chocula leaps at Jakey, but Jakey holds him away at arm's length. "'oh how i long to stroke her hair and massage her beautiful feet until the sun rises, at which point we will retire to our bed-'" "NO FURTHER I BEG YOU" "'and cuddle'" The sheer embarrassment felt by Count Chocula in this moment causes all sane thought to drain from his body. Count Chocula breaks free from Jakey's grasp and runs straight into the wooden stake in Jakey's other hand. "so count chocula has a foot fetish; i never would have guessed" Michelle exits the back room of the castle, barefooted. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Count Chocula jacket/Count Chocula's diary appears at safehouses]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 087: The Zombies Were Having Fun [Gwendolyn]
"so gwendolyn i've got to know; what did count chocula's anonymous note to you even say" "'oh gwendolyn, thou art the most beautiful vampire i've ever laid mine eyes on; at first i had indeed confused thou for a succubus'" "IN SHAKESPEARREAN ENGLISH AS WELL oh god that fucking guy" Jakey slaps the arm of his chair. "no wait there's more" "oh go on" "'thine skin as white as freshly fallen snow; thine eyes as red as the most brilliant rubies; but thine teeth sharp and ready to sink into innocent necks for a midnight snack; i could scarcely imagine a more divine creature'" Jakey and Gwendolyn both double over in laughter, when Gwendolyn's door is busted down with a loud crash. "DAMMIT I JUST REPLACED THAT DOOR" "the two of you have killed your last monster" "apparently not" Jakey stands up and cracks his knuckles. "ow" Jakey shakes his hand to try and shake away the pain he just caused himself. "cute" Fruity Yummy Mummy throws the detached door straight at Jakey, sending him flying into a wall. "DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE WALLS ARE" Gwendolyn grabs her drink, grabs a conveniently-placed oil-soaked rag, lights it on fire, and throws it straight at Fruity Yummy Mummy. "OH GOD FIRE" Fruity Yummy Mummy runs around screaming, and dives out the window, splatting onto the pavement. "YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE WINDOW TOO" After much struggling, Jakey finally manages to get out from the inside of the wall. "OKAY NOW YOU'RE GOING TO-where did he go" Gwendolyn points out the window. "oh uh good job" Gwendolyn curtsies semi-sarcastically. "well time to call the door company AGAIN" "we have the worst luck with doors" Gwendolyn grumbles under her breath as she pulls out the phone book. Michelle exits the wall from the same spot Jakey came out of. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fruity Yummy Mummy jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 088: The Party Had Just Begun [Gwendolyn]
"i've decided to look deeper into monster management, and i have found the hopefully final secret boss, fruit brute, who is some sort of werewolf" "oh those are easy enough to defeat" "oh i'm sure some unforeseen bullshit will drag this out" "ever the optimist, i see" "just once i want it to be YOUR house that gets destroyed and we'll see who's 'pessimistic'" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Fruit Brute's beachside property. "i know why you both are here" Fruit Brute begins to pace along the beach. "but you're TOO LATE the bombs have already gone off and your native france is NO MORE" "there are a lot of things wrong with that statement so i don't really know where to-" "LISTEN you sack of SHIT 1: france was destroyed YEARS ago 2: gwendolyn is a WELSH name not a french name 3: fuck you and your goddamn motherfucking FUCK" Gwendolyn shoots a silver bullet straight into Fruit Brute's heart. "well i feel a lot better" "remind me never to call you french" "i would appreciate that" Gwendolyn hops onto Fruit Brute's motorcycle and rides off to get home in time for the door people to arrive. Michelle pops out of the beach house's chimney. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fruit Brute jacket/beachfront property]
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Jakeyadventure
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Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 089: Did You Have to Go to Jail? [Gravedigger Valerie]
"knock knock" "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "hello" "h-hello j-jakey h-how are you today" "i'm uh fine so what's up with you" "i uh i've got a problem b-but don't worry i c-can take care of it myself" "i can tell by the way you're shaking violently" "i-i always do th-that" "well let me help anyway" "o-okay" Valerie leads Jakey down to the catacombs. "s-so the uh corpses are um well th-they're p-protesting for equal rights" "does this happen often" "n-not since i've been here b-but there was a terrible r-revolt back in the 1930s" "stand back, i know a lot about peasant revolts" Valerie backs up to a safe distance while Jakey pulls out a megaphone. "WHAT'S UP MY NIGGAS" The corpses turn to face Jakey at once. "now i know you've all got issues to deal with here, but you've got to remember that we are all just tiny specks on the grand roadmap of existence; what you do here today is ultimately meaningless and trivial" "then wouldn't it be trivial to give us the rights we desire as well" Jakey pulls out his gun and shoots the corpse square between the eyes. "any other questions" The corpses all shake their heads in unison. "good" "d-did you really h-have to shoot that guy" "he was already dead anyway; it's fine" "i-if you s-say so" The corpses throw Michelle straight into Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/megaphone jacket]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:21 am

Mission 090: Put Your House on Up for Sale? [Gravedigger Valerie]
"knock knock" "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "you don't get much company do you" "n-no" "so um need any help with anything" "w-well i've been h-having trouble o-opening this j-jar" Valerie produces a glass jar. "stand back i got this" Valerie takes a step back as Jakey holds the jar in his left hand. Jakey wiggles the fingers on his right hand, then drives them straight onto the lid, clasping it with all his strength. Jakey twists and twists and twists and twists again, but nothing happens. "okay check this out" Jakey spins 180, tosses the jar in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots the lid off in midair. Jakey then catches the jar without spilling its contents or breaking the jar. "here you are" "wh-what happened to the lid" The lid falls down from the air straight into Jakey's hand. "without a scratch" "w-wow" Valerie sets the opened jar down on a table and grabs another jar. "c-can you do it again" Jakey grabs the jar and repeats the process, opening the second jar as Valerie smiles and claps. Jakey goes to grab the lid to the second jar out of the air, but Michelle grabs it before he can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/jar jacket]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 091: Did You Get a Good Lawyer? [Gravedigger Valerie]
"knock knock" Valerie opens the door calmly. "h-hello" "hello" "i-i was h-hoping you'd show up i-i've got a p-problem" "you should have just called" "y-you never gave me y-your number" "oh hand me your phone i'll put it in" Valerie looks at Jakey puzzled and walks over to the desk, handing him a big rotary phone. "..." "..." "all right we'll address THIS later; what's your problem" "O-OH RIGHT THE PROBLEM" Valerie leads Jakey out back to a large pile of animal corpses. "s-someone's been d-dumping animal corpses here b-but we're a human c-cemetery; th-the pet c-cemetery is n-next door" "well uh i doubt any of these were actually pets" Jakey gestures toward some bear and wolf corpses. "i-it doesn't matter i-i just want them gone" "say no more" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, turns it into a helicopter, and flies the corpses out in a big net. Jakey flies off to a toxic waste dump and dumps the corpses into a pit. "i'm sure this won't come back to haunt me in the future" It doesn't. Michelle climbs out of the toxic waste dump into The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/rotary phone jacket/vague relationship with Valerie]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 092: Never Been a Sinner; I Never Sinned [Father Brucie]
"forgive me father for i have sinned" "tell me all about it, my son" "i kind of uh launched a nuclear missile at a country" "oh dear which one" "france" "oh is that all? you were doing us all a favour really" "r-really?!" "sometimes the lord inspires us mere mortals to do his divine bidding; i believe this is one such case" "th-that makes sense actually" "sometimes the lord works in mysterious ways; this time, though, it was pretty straightforward" "thanks a lot father i feel so much better now" "any time my son" Michelle crashes through a stained glass window. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stained glass t-shirt/stained glass jacket]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 093: I Got a Friend in Jesus [Father Brucie]
"all right scouts here we are; it's time for you to earn your 'friend of jesus' merit badge" "I Am Nervous" "Yeah What If Jesus Doesn't Like Me" "nonsense; jesus loves everyone" "Even Serial Rapists?" "ESPECIALLY serial rapists" Jakey leads his scouts into the church. "father i would like to have these children baptised" "oh totally" Father Brucie leads the scouts to the holy bath. "from this day forward, you are a friend of jesus" Father Brucie dunks Robert Truckdriver 234's head into the holy water, then repeats the process with the rest of the scouts. "so scouts how does it feel to be a friend of jesus" "Wet" "that's the spirit" Michelle emerges from the bath of holy water, skin pruny with the love of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cross t-shirt/cross jacket/Jakey Scouts missions]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 094: So You Know That When I Die, He's Gonna Set Me Up with the Spirit in the Sky [Father Brucie]
"my son i am glad you are here; i need someone to drive me to the spaceport" "of course father" Jakey and Father Brucie hop into The Motherfucker and head to the Alabama International Spaceport. "so are you going to deliver the holy word of our lord and saviour to those in space" "oh i'm not going into space; i am going to bless the rocket and our brave astronaut so they can make it to the moon safely" "oh" "that is a good idea, though; i might do that in a year or so" Father Brucie and Jakey head into the astronaut's bedchamber. "rise, my son" Sheriff Antony rises from his bed. "the lord will be with you, always" "gee thanks mister" Sheriff Antony skips merrily off to his rocket, with Father Brucie following behind. Jakey shiftily looks around from side to side and then hops onto Sheriff Antony's racecar bed, right onto Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/racecar bed appears at safehouses/Sheriff Antony missions]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 095: It's Time to Blow Doors Down [Jakey Scouts]
"all right scouts today i will allow you to choose which merit badge you'd like to acquire" "Ooh Ooh I Want To Get The 'Kicked In Gwendolyn's Front Door' Badge" "Me Too" "Yeah That Sounds Like Fun" "wait what that's not-" Robert Truckdriver 289 shows Jakey the page on the Jakey Scouts Handbook detailing the 'Kicked in Gwendolyn's Front Door' merit badge. "... fuck" Jakey buries his face in his hands. "i'm sure there must be another gwendolyn with a front door we can use" "Actually It Says Right Here That It Is 'Awarded For Kicking In Gwendolyn Rose Everhart's Front Door'" "I'M SURE THERE IS ANOTHER GWENDOLYN ROSE EVERHART OUT THERE SOMEWHERE" "According To The Internet, The Only Gwendolyn Rose Everhart That Exists Is A Vampire" "Oh Boy We Can Also Get Our 'Slayed A Vampire' Badge While We're At It" Jakey finds his calm place and comes up with a plan to avoid the untimely death of a character that may be useful later, or his waifu, if you so choose. "all right pile into the motherfucker" áThe scouts excitedly pile into The Motherfucker, and Jakey drives them out to a great canyon. "Oh Boy Oh Boy" "Time To Do Our Part To Destroy The Evil Monsters Of This World" "Wait" "Where Are We" "There Aren't Any Doors Here" The scouts turn to face Jakey as his eyes turn a bright green. "you see, scouts, i tricked you into believing we'd do what you wanted, so i could get you out here for the 'parachuting into a canyon' badge, as i knew you'd all be afraid" "Aw Man" "Can We Kill The Vampire Afterward" "NO" "Fuck" Jakey's eyes return to normal as he straps parachutes onto each of the scouts. "well bye guys" Jakey shoves each scout into the canyon, then throws a bunch of 'Parachuting Into a Canyon' badges and 'Walking Home from the Bottom of a Canyon' badges into the canyon. "crisis averted" Michelle climbs her way up from the bottom of the canyon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 096: I'm a Space Cowboy; Bet You Weren't Ready for That [Sheriff Antony]
"it's time to bring outer space into a new age; the age of JUSTICE" Sheriff Antony scans the space horizon for criminals while Jakey kicks over the American flag on the moon and replaces it with a Canadian flag. "nothing to see here sheriff" "wait what's that" A large spacecraft speeds through space, above the speed limit. "THOSE HOOLIGANS" Sheriff Antony hops onto his horse (wearing rocket shoes) and engages pursuit, blaring his siren. "wait wait up" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a horse and follows Sheriff Antony. "oh fuck it's the sheriff" Deputy Orange stomps on the gas and his ship begins to accelerate rapidly. "OH NO YOU DON'T" Sheriff Antony pulls out one of his revolvers and fires straight into the side window of the ship. "oh dear" Deputy Orange is sucked out the side of the ship. "well dang" "all right let's see what you were hiding in here" Sheriff Antony opens the back of the ship to see a giant cake, with the words 'Happy Birthday Sheriff Antony' written on it. "..." "..." "o-oh" Sheriff Antony turns to Deputy Orange and smiles nervously. "s-sorry" "now the surprise party is ruined; ihope you're happy" "i am not" Sheriff Antony hangs his head as Michelle pops out of the cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/moon jacket/Deputy Orange missions]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:22 am

Mission 097: I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn we've been killing a lot of people lately so i thought i'd treat you to some late-night minigolf" "fuck i love minigolf, but there hasn't been a late-night minigolf course since the death of old man svart" "oh this place just opened last week; it's got all the latest uh minigolf shit" "well what are we waiting for" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and head to Atlas Jones's Late-Night Minigolf. Jakey inserts his money into the machine, which releases two clubs and two balls. Gwendolyn grabs the red ball, Jakey grabs the green ball, and they head over to the first hole. Gwendolyn sets her ball down and begins to eyeball her shot. Jakey looks up to see the statue of Atlas Jones holding up the Earth moving. "uh gwendolyn-" "quiet i'm concentrating" Atlas Jones winds back and rolls the giant stone Earth orb straight at Gwendolyn. Jakey leaps into the air and tackles Gwendolyn, keeping her safe from being crushed. The giant orb rolls straight over Jakey's legs, crushing them. "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF HORRIBLE PAIN IN THIS WORLD" Atlas Jones stomps toward Jakey and Gwendolyn, who are both unable to move for different reasons. "jakey get off of me you're way too heavy" "okay i'll just take my CRUSHED BONES and WALK AWAY" Gwendolyn reaches for Jakey's gun, but it remains just out of her grasp, so she grabs her golf club and drags the gun toward her. Just before it reaches her, Atlas Jones steps on her hand. "i will never forgive you for what you did to hercules johnson and his family" "I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY LEGS FAGGOT" Jakey smacks his head into Atlas Jones's leg, breaking his own nose. "fuck" "now which of you should i kill first" "how about neither" Jakey presses a button, causing The Motherfucker to turn into a jet and plow Atlas Jones straight into the side of a building. Gwendolyn grabs Jakey's gun and pops a few rounds into him for good measure. "so are you all right" "yeah i'm fine" Jakey's legs finally heal, and he stands up, then helps Gwendolyn get up. "now where were we" Jakey and Gwendolyn continue their game of minigolf, and their balls are sucked into the final hole when all is said and done. Jakey and Gwendolyn then hang up their clubs and head back to The Motherfucker, where they are greeted by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/minigolf outfit/Atlas Jones's Late-Night Minigolf opens]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:23 am

Mission 098: I Feel the Sky Tumbling Down; Tumbling Down [Gwendolyn]
"jakey hurry up with the popcorn; the new episode of super-magical kawaii desu show-kun!!! is about to start" "POP FASTER DAMN YOU" The microwave beeps, and Jakey excitedly pulls out the bag and dumps it into a big bowl, then rushes out to the living room. "oh boy oh boy" "i've been looking forward to this for weeks" "will michelle-sama finally get senpai to notice her" "probably not" "shame that" The two begin popping popcorn into their mouths as an unfamiliar sound is heard from outside the room. "i'll go tell them to keep quiet" Jakey exits his chair and heads to the front door. When he opens the door, he is blasted in the face by a flamethrower. "could you like not do that" "my name is prometheus jones; i am here to avenge atlas jones" "oh goddammit fuck off already; you kill one guy and it's a never-ending chain of revenge killings" Prometheus Jones douses Jakey in flames. "fuck you dude" Jakey stabs Prometheus Jones in the gut and walks over to the sink to rinse off. "OH MY GOD JAKEY YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED" "OH DAMMIT I MISSED IT" "they've put a new item on the menu at motherfucker hamburger!!!" "OH SHIT REALLY" Jakey plops down on the couch next to Gwendolyn as Super-Magical Kawaii Desu Show-Kun!!! begins. Jakey reaches his hand into the bowl of popcorn and grabs Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/flamethrower]
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PostSubject: Re: The Next Big Thing (2015)   Thu Jun 02, 2016 12:23 am

Mission 099: Another Day Passes as the Night Closes In [Deputy Orange]
"jakey my girlfriend left me yesterday and i miss her so much and i've been using this tear-free shampoo but the tears won't stop coming" "this sounds serious; you should sue" "my ex-girlfriend?" "NO the shampoo company; they claim with their product there will be no more tears but here they fucking are after how many uses" "you're right jakey i am going to sue" "that's the spirit" Michelle exits the shower, hair covered in shampoo, and eyes wet with tears in addition to the standard water used for showering. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/No More Tears jacket]
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The Next Big Thing (2015)
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