Something to That Effect (2029)

Mission 076: Stark Bathing Mad [bath_singer.exe]
"hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "all right" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand as she enters the bath and begins to sing her jolly tune. "♫you have so many relationships in this life; only one or two will last♫" As Jakey (mmm)bops along to the tune, a crowd of cheering fans amasses, led by Eleatrice, who had charged admission. "great turnout, huh?" "yeah, i'm impressed; scarlett never charged people to listen to her" "because no one would pay for her singing; bath_singer.exe is a cut above and worth the expense" "♫MMMBOP BA DOOBA DOP BA DOO BOP BA BOOBA DOP BA DOO BOP BA DOOBA DOP BA DOO YEAH YEAH♫" "how much are you getting for this" "five-hundred bucks a head" "how many songs is she singing" "just the one" "well it's a good one at least" "and she never sings the same song twice, so this crowd gets a 100% unique experience" Soon, bath_singer.exe exits the bath, and Eleatrice arranges everyone into a line. "autographs are a hundred bucks each; double that if you want a personalization, and triple if your hand brushes hers" The crowd all stays, believing that to be a fair deal. Michelle gets five autographs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 077: Bargains for the Margins [Apate]
"hey apate what bargains and deals have you got going on today" "i'm glad you asked kid; i just put out an ad and i've got a fish coming and waiting to be reeled in" Right on cue, (L)Aura enters the shop. "hi, i'm here about the hearing aid that makes it so you can't hear the character between K and M" "right you are miss; this technological marvel makes it so any words you hear are automatically and seamlessly traded out for a synonym that does not contain the letter L" "really?" "yeah test out the floor model if you don't believe me" Apate hands (L)Aura a hearing aid, and (L)Aura places it in position. "okay say something with that accursed character" "if you insist, i very much can do just that thing, many times over, in fact; near every word in this sentence contains that character" "wow it works!!! it even changes the way your mouth moves!!!" "of course it does" (L)Aura shoves her money at Apate, and happily exits the shop with the floor model. "you didn't say the letter L at all in that sentence" "i wasn't aware that you were wearing one of those machines too" "uh-huh" Michelle walks up and purchases one of the hearing aids that adds extra Ls to people's statements. "tlake mle hlome"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions]

Mission 078: Secret Tour [Busara]
"and this here is one of my favorite places in the world: the secret country of babel, nestled high above the clouds; everyone disembark and join the party!!!" "NO FUCK OFF WE'RE FULL" Acidella frantically points to the 'MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY' sign, but everyone files in anyway. "DAMMIT I AM THE QUEEN OF BABEL AND I COMMAND YOU ALL TO FUCK OFF AND GO AWAY" In spite of Acidella's protests, the party continues on. While Acidella yells her head off, Busara drops off a second busload of partygoers. "what did i ever do to deserve this" Acidella mopes over to her throne and takes a seat, up to her eyeballs in debt. A voice comes from the crowd. "excuse me, are you the queen of babel" "yes, unfortunately" The figure the voice belongs to, Ilona, breaks Acidella's legs. "that's for not getting me my money" Acidella sits in pain as Ilona leaves. Michelle collects some of her tears in a cup. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ilona missions]

Mission 079: It's a Start [Nyx]
"hey nyx how's that bath_vocals.jpg thing working out for you" "she hasn't taken off yet, but she also hasn't had her debut yet; will you please guard her bath and only come out if she yells 'MODIFIED CORN EXTRACT'" "um okay" Nyx grabs a rubber ducky, and brings bath_vocals.jpg into the bath. Nyx drops bath_vocals.jpg into the tub, and it immediately begins to soak up water and dissolve. "go on, sing your song" bath_vocals.jpg remains silent. "you know, the one we rehearsed" Silence. "the one that goes ♫i've got friends in-a low places, where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away, and i'll be okay♫" Still silence. "i am beginning to regret running up such a high tab at the copy place for you" Nyx exits the bath in disgust, and dismisses Jakey from his post. Michelle fishes bath_vocals.jpg out of the tub and pins her to the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 080: Buyer's Remorse [Nyx]
"hey uh nyx are you okay?" "i guess; i just thought that when that beautiful jpg was warped into my office that i really had something, you know? then i spent all the year's budget on marketing and photocopies" "well uh you can use the other side of the paper for tax documents or something" "i also had the copies laminated" "i am so, so sorry" "it's fine; i'll just cut health benefits again" "you get health benefits?" "not any more" "hope there isn't a sudden outbreak of the flu tomorrow" "yeah that would suck" Nyx pulls up the budget and deletes health benefits entirely for the next four years. "what's this huge purple section?" "that's my salary" "it's bigger than the rest of the budget combined" "i take a huge salary for the same reason i use l'oréal - because i'm worth it" "clearly, with business decisions such as these" "you know what? just for that, i'm docking your pay" "i get paid?" "not any more" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and hands Nyx a bottle of Knees and Toes shampoo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 081: Explaining the Magic [Hecate]
"hey hecate, could you explain to me how magic works in detail" "oh!!! OH!!! i love to explain how magic works or so i assume because no one's ever asked me before but it's such a broad topic; do you have any specific questions about it" "is one race more capable of doing magic than the others" "not counting demonesses and olympians, and given the average lifespan of each race, there are two answers to this question: out of the box, with no additional training, pixingtons are the best at magic; HOWEVER, to become a true wizard, one must spend a lifetime training, and because of this, the best species to become a grand wizard is the orcs" "seriously? but they mostly all think magic is lame and for pussies" "that actually contributes to it; being ostracized by your peers makes it easier to focus on doing magic rather than having everyone ask you to magically refill the keg all the time" "makes sense" "but here's the real trick: magic flows through the bones" "really?" "yes, and since pixingtons have hollow bones, the magic flows through very easily; but with orcs, their bones are extremely dense and hard and covered in hard and tough musculature and thick leathery skin; this means that while it takes a lot of effort to get a good magical build-up going, once it does, the magic builds up heavily in the bones between spells, allowing for some of the most powerful spells you can imagine" "i never would have known" "there is a lot that people don't understand about magic that would be very easy to just ask me about" "most people don't tend to speak with goddesses on a casual level like this" "maybe i should do a podcast or a JED discussion" "the world does lack in wizards these days" "which is a damn shame; almost anyone can do magic with training" "almost?" "goblins cannot do magic" "that makes sense" "only once you realize they're a parody of orcs" "true enough" Michelle walks up and casts a spell that gives her a crisp fiver. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 082: Very Sufficient Funds [Hecate]
"jakey do you know of any good wizards? it's about time for me to hand out my grants to various wizards and witches and sometimes even warlocks for outstanding achievement" "well there's the great cheryl" "complete and utter twat" "harsh but fair" "anyone else?" "well the king bran has two court wizards who try hard; one's an orc born without muscles named ortence, and the other one, elizabeth, is able to pull anything out of a hat" "oh i love when wizards are in the hat stage; let's see if we can't get her to the next step: pulling money from behind your ear" Hecate funnels all of her funding into King Bran's court. "now let's look in to see how much they appreciate a funding increase" Hecate opens a one-way view portal to King Bran's castle. "that's a lot of muffins" "kb loves elizabeth's muff" "what." "great now he's got me doing it; he does that thing where he shortens the word to be cool but it doesn't work with muffins" "i'll say" As the king and his subjects celebrate their windfall, Michelle climbs through the view portal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions/King Bran missions/Ortence missions]

Mission 083: The Dream Team [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie i was wondering: why did you rarely ever change the major/minor demoness line-up" "the original thirteen are all classics; without echidna as a major demoness, some of the most historically-significant poisonings would have been stabbings instead and as much as i love a good stabbing, variety is the spice of life" "i suppose that's true; we have a lot more murder options nowadays" "basically, most of my demoness choices were based on which kinds of deaths i found most amusing" "that does sound like you" "the current line-up is probably 'better' and 'makes more sense', but i've always had a soft spot for echidna" "she is certainly unique" "and the way i tricked her into believing she was the demoness of snakes? priceless" "did you trick any other demonesses" "you know melody? she's actually the demoness of walking" "seriously?" "yeah but i convinced her this 'music' fad that was going around was her true purpose, and she made her entire persona about such a thing" "which makes it really sad that she lost the battle of the bands and had to relinquish a title she never had" "yeah she's very depressed now that she's back from her demonic disruption; maybe i should apologize for that, but nah" "she probably wouldn't believe you anyway" "true" Michelle walks up, walking up a storm. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 084: The Wrath of the Demoness [Colouria]
"jakey can you believe this shit? i provide so many amazing colors to the world, yet these tech companies only offer their products in black and white" "yeah it sucks; back in the 90s, i could get translucent turquoise or orange on any electronic device, but now i'm lucky if i see red" "it's a disgrace; when Y2K rolled around, i thought it would usher in even more crazy colors to be used; imagine, getting your MP3 player in azure, cerulean, navy, cyan, cobalt, or indigo, but no; white or black" "they later offered them in blue" "which blue? there are like a million shades of blue; just saying 'blue' means nothing to me" "fair point" "i am this close to removing black and white from the color pool" "they'd just choose beige" "i hate that you're right" Michelle walks up, waving a blue flag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 085: International Success Story [Eleatrice]
"jakey good do you see all this money i have?" "yes" "the scarlett lady dying and becoming an angel was the best thing to happen to hell since i won that hellection a few years back" "sure seems like it" "now i have all this money and i can give everyone more funding except the types of undead i don't like; watch" Eleatrice presses a button, increasing funding for vampires, wights, revenants, banshees, and wraiths. Bust sizes across the world increase, and along with it, those undead races' power. "what about ghosts" "you mean 'nature's jokes'? if i increase their funding, they'll be able to grab things, and i'd lose one of my favorite daily activities: ordering ghosts to do things that are physically impossible for them" "but banshees and wraiths can't grab things either" "but they've all earned their keep; they're just upgraded versions of ghosts who have been around the block long enough to warrant an ability to grab things" "hmm" "regardless, everyone knows that vampires are the apex undead; they look just like regular humans, but with alluring red eyes" "but they can't go out in the sun or eat garlic" "this funding increase changes everything; vampires will now be able to use SPF-9001 to go out into the sun" "don't miss a spot" "or forget to do your upper legs so if your skirt blows up in an air vent you don't lose them" "seems like they won't go out in the day regardless" "yeah but now they can, which makes them technically superior to the way they used to be" "i suppose" "you don't believe me? watch this" Eleatrice snaps her fingers, and everyone's favorite vampire cast member, Gwendolyn, appears, bustier than before. "uh yeah boss?" "hold still" Eleatrice dumps an entire bucket of SPF-9001 onto Gwendolyn's head. "go outside" "the sun's still up" "trust me; nothing bad will happen" "fine fine" Gwendolyn trudges out into the sunlight, and nothing happens. "well this is unexpected" "now go, gwendo; frolic in the sun as you've always dreamed of" "if you insist" Gwendolyn gives a half-hearted frolic attempt, which is satisfactory, but pales in comparison to Michelle, who simply frolics her little heart out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 086: The Greater War [Enyo]
"jakey good news; my army is coming back together after i had to execute every single one of my former army for betraying me" "for calling you cute?" "for not obeying my orders repeatedly; i needed to set an example, but unfortunately, it was a really big example" "fair" "now that the dragon ladies have been tragically redubbed the dwagons by our enemy, we have gained the full support of the mighty warriors she spurned!!!" "how many are there" "four" "just four?" "well there's drita, drishti, draya, and drina; the rest of the dragon ladies are watching some 'calimari challenge' thing" "you've never seen it?" "not after the horror stories the other dragon ladies tell me; the elders are over 9000 watches at this point" "i have trouble watching things a second time" "as does anyone sane, at least in such rapid succession" "so how big is your army now total" "just the five of us" "really" "yeah but i have hope that our enemy will alienate more people; maybe by changing the official name of orcs to 'owcs' or dark elves to 'dawk ewves'" "i'm not sure dark elves would be as upset about the name change; they'd probably like that it puts them further away from regular elves" "they'd probably become 'weguwohw ewves'" "that is nearly unintelligible" "regardless, i expect a large windfall of troops in the next four-to-six business days" "optimistic" "always" Michelle walks up and writes 'vampiows' on the whiteboard. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 087: The Heart of a Champion [Candice]
"candice, are you okay?" "never better" "you seem to be vibrating all the time" "oh that's just those energy supplements circe sells me; i'm not hyper all the time like i was originally, but i still vibrate along all day" "that doesn't worry you?" "it comforts me; when i vibrate, i know that i'm full of energy and ready to face the day" "aren't you worried your heart will give out?" "pfft; circe referred me to iaso, the goddess of good health, and she gave my heart the strength to withstand a thousand years of energy supplements" "so basically the goddesses are running an extortion ring; each gives you part of what you want/need" "you call it extortion, i call it a blessing; every church in the world wants donations; these ladies just take them upfront" "fair" "so do you need a house or something? i burned through all my contracts already" "i don't think there's any room to build more houses" "so what you're saying is i need to build more land" "um no but go ahead anyway; i'm sure this won't cause any problems since gremory is dead" "so for the foundation i was thinking sedimentary basalt" "isn't basalt igneous?" "not the way i do it" "um okay" "then of course we need a layer of the finest topsoil known to man so we can pave over it with our metamorphic tar to create roads" "of course" "then comes the building foundations, made of the finest igneous concrete" "you sound like you've done this before" "well i built an island before so this should be pretty similar" "what was the island for" "one of the demonesses made a game where people tried to survive on the island and then people voted eachother out one by one and the losers all got incinerated" "charming" Michelle walks up and snuffs out Jakey's torch. "the tribe has spoken; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Circe missions]

Mission 088: Over the Line [Ruth]
"ruth are you okay? i rarely see you show emotion, and i don't think i've ever seen you cry" "JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE" "i gathered that from the tears" "i was doing a quarterly name inspection and that jerk elemenopeia changed my name on me" "to what?" Ruth shys away before reluctantly answering. "rufus" "that fiend" "she's out of control" "yes, and she has gone too far this time; i am going to give her a stern talking to or a stern stabbing with my demoness-killing knife" "thank you; that means a lot" Jakey marches up to Elemenopeia's house. "elemenopeia, you have gone too far this time" "which time" "you changed ruth's name to rufus" "oh, that; listen, i know your reputation when it comes to demonesses and goddesses who cross the line, so if i just un-cross it, are we square?" "if you change her name back and promise not to give any of my various female acquaintences boys' names again, yes" "okay done" Elemenopeia snaps her fingers, restoring Ruth's name. "i'm glad we could come to terms elemenopeia" "so am i; i didn't want to be stabbed until there was nothing left to stab" "keep it in mind" Jakey turns and sheathes his demoness-killing knife, just before it accidentally stabs Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elemenopeia missions]

Mission 089: The Fuww Fowce of Ouw Awmy [Drita]
"jakey i heard you met with elemenopeia recently and threatened to kill her" "word spreads quickly i see" "yet you said nothing about her turning us from noble dragon ladies to 'dwagons'" "would you rather be a dwagon or have her change your name to derek" "fair point" Drita hangs her head and sighs. "i understand why you did things the way you did but i'm still a bit upset about the dwagon thing" "it's relatively benign" "have you seen our fearsome weapon and what she did to it?" "the dragon trebuchets?" "their official name is now-" Drita sighs again. "-dwagon twebochets" "ouch" "and my feared dragon halberd?" "dwagon howbowd" "exactly; poor drishti has it worse though" "how so" Drita motions to Drishti. "tell him" "it's now called a dwagon axey-waxey" "i'm so sorry" "elemenopeia is a menace and we need you to stab her" "i thought you wanted to do it" "i don't care who does it as long as our naming conventions go back to the way they were a month ago" "i don't want to step on enyo's toes; she seemed to really want to do it herself, and even if i can fix your problems with some stabbing, hers won't go away unless she gets people to respect her in spite of her newfound cuteness" "fine whatever; lend her the canadian army then" "we have an army?" "i assumed you did" "weird assumption to make" "whatever; if you ever want to help, let me know; i have twebochets to arm" "will do" Michelle launches herself out of a twebochet right onto Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Enyo missions]

Mission 090: Well-Oiled Machine [Oilana]
"hey uh oilana? what are you up to" "oh hi; i was just trying to relax by dumping oil into the ocean" "that relaxes you?" "should it not? i love the way it floats on top of the water, and how you can even light the surface of the ocean on fire if you've got enough oil" "whatever floats your boat i guess" "regardless, i am having trouble relaxing since fubuki created that delicious smoked candy; deep-frying has been in a rut for decades now" "well how about you take it all away?" "pardon?" "people will love it more than ever if it disappears for a while" "that could work" "focus your efforts on other ventures for a while, like polluting the ocean or making cars go fast" "you know what? you're right; food is so boring compared to all the wonderful things you can do with oil" "that's the spirit" "now if you'll excuse me, some clueless yokel just dug up some more oil, and i need to convince him to have his firstborn daughter till the oil fields all day" "you're the one who does that?" "yeah i find it hilarious, especially when the daughter is blonde and has her hair permanently stained black down through the roots" "i feel like i know someone who would want to know about this" "i'll give you a crisp fiver to keep it quiet" "deal" Jakey pockets the fiver and leaves, bumping straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 091: Endless Riches [Fubuki]
"hey bookie how's the business going" "i'm rich now thanks to my smoked chocolate" "nice; have you bought anything yet" "i bought this cool industrial fog machine" "why would you need that; you're the demoness of smoke" "smoke and fog aren't the same thing dummy" "no?" "not even close; if they were the same, you wouldn't be able to combine them to get a third thing: smog" "i thought all three of those were the same thing" "next you'll be telling me you think apples and oranges are the same thing" "they're both fruit" "yes, and smoke and fog are both gas" "there you go" "but-" "QED" "oh you fucker don't you QED me" "i'll QED all over the place" "damn" Fubuki knows she can't argue a QED. Michelle walks up and uses the fog machine to make an eerie smoke for her next, earth-shattering statement. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 092: Foot in Mouth [Fubuki]
"jakey i need to apologize" "for what" "i actually can create fog" "because it's the same thing as smoke" "apparently so; i was told that fog is created while i sleep as a byproduct of my dreams" "what about days where there's no fog" "those are nights when i'm out partying or staying awake scared of the axe murderer that surely lives under my bed but only after i watch a scary movie" "makes sense" "so please accept this package of fogged chocolates as an apology" "oh thanks" "don't mention it; you saved me a lot of money by informing me i could sell the fog machine for a profit to a spooky vampire preschool" "a spooky vampire preschool? i can only imagine the various hijinks those blood-sucking toddlers get into" "i try not to; i got bit by a vampire once and came down with malaria" "are you sure it wasn't a mosquito" "i thought they were the same thing" "well they both suck blood" "there you go" "but-" "QED" "damn" Jakey knows he can't argue a QED. Michelle walks in, wearing plastic mosquito fangs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 093: The End of an Era [Acidella]
"hey uh assy?" "yes?" "i expected you to take offense at 'assy'" "i've been called worse" "um cool; anyway, what are you doing" "i was given queenship of the country of babel and it's a goddamn mess; no one leaves, everyone wants in, and it's costing me everything i have to keep it running" "probably why you were given queenship" "probably should have seen it coming; regardless, i am cutting my losses and dissolving the country with acid" "what about the people in the country" "they will hopefully die on impact with the water or drown or be eaten by sharks" "harsh" "listen, i understand: they love partying and living it up on someone else's dollar; that's what i wanted too when i came to babel, but now that it's my dollar, i am ending this while i still have two crisp fivers to rub together" "fair enough" Acidella finishes dissolving Babel, and its inhabitants crash down into the sea, some never to be seen again. "good riddance" "so any new ventures planned for the future?" "i am going to stay inside my house for the forseeable future to avoid being given any more lemons; i've had more than enough lemonade for one lifetime" "sounds reasonable" Michelle washes up ashore, covered in acid. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 094: The Next Big Thing [Acidella]
"jakey great news; i've gotten into cryptocurrency and have become a millionaire overnight" "which coin did you invest in" "scrapscoin; it's got a cute doggy on it" "hey wait that's MY cute doggy" "really? small world" Jakey calls up his dog, Scraps. Mary answers the phone instead. "hello sir, and thank you for calling scrapscoin LTD; your call is important to us, please hold" "i live there" "hello; you've been transferred to the scrapscoin LTD automated phone service" "mary stop i know it's you still" "if you would like to know more about scrapscoin, press 1; if you would like to exchange all your money into scrapscoin, press 2; para español, press 3; por français, press 4" Jakey presses four. "bonjour you 'ave reached ze scrapscoin 'otline honhon" "i am about this close to losing it" "alors bonsoir monsieur your call will be transferred to ze first available representative honhon" Jakey raps his fingers on the desk. "hello, thank you for calling scrapscoin LTD; mary speaking" "mary it's me" "oh hello sir; how can i help you" "since when did my dog start running a crypocurrency business out of my apartment" "sir you could have learned all this by pressing 1" "i shouldn't be redirected to a faux-automatic answering system when calling my own place of residence" "sorry for the inconvenience sir; we will transfer one free scrapscoin to your account" "i don't have an account" "then i'm sorry sir but this line is for account-holders only; good day" "WAIT NO-" Jakey is hung up upon. "oh just you wait until i finish my union-mandated meandering; at that point, i will come down on you with fury" Michelle walks up and transfers Jakey a premium Scraps NFT. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 095: A Pox Upon Polite Society [Scarlett]
"hey scarlett? are you okay in here?" Jakey flicks on the lightswitch in Scarlett's living room to find her wallowing in her own filth. "oh no what happened" "what is the point of taking baths any more" "to get clean?" "pfeh" "pfeh?!" "that hologram steals all the joy i get from bathing, so i will steal all the joy anyone else gets from me bathing by being offensive to at least three of the senses" "scarlett, i have developed an experimental technique to keep you from being interrupted in the bath; this time, you will finish your song without incident" "really?" "i promise" "okay jakey, i trust you; please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫think about it: there must be higher love; down in the heart, or hidden in the stars above♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Eleatrice hits the button on her holographic display device. Jakey sees the intrusion, and presses his own button, activating an EMP. "HRRK" Eleatrice clutches her heart as she falls to the ground. "♫BRING ME A HIGHER LOVE; BRING ME A HIGHER LOVE, OH♫" "i hope this taught you a lesson" "help" Eleatrice passes out. "um eleatrice?" Jakey shakes Eleatrice a bit. "you okay?" Jakey nervously glances from side-to-side, not wanting to go through another Hellection. Soon, Scarlett exits the bath. "thanks jakey you're the best" "i think i killed eleatrice by accident" "good riddance" Scarlett turns and heads to dress herself, and Jakey carries Eleatrice to outside of the EMP zone, where she finally starts breathing again. "jakey you ASS; that hurt like the DICKENS" "did you learn your lesson" "how many more EMPs do you have" "six and i have more on back order" "then yes i have learned my lesson" "good" "i need to go lie down" Eleatrice limps away, skirting around the EMP area, lest she fall into another coma. Michelle appears in a completely unremarkable way. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 096: A Barre(l) Fu(ll) of (L)aughs [(L)Aura]
"jakey this new hearing aid i bought is great; i haven't heard that accursed character since i turned it on" "have you been outside since you turned it on" "no, why?" "i'm not so sure it actually works" "..." "..." "oh no" (L)Aura removes the hearing aid and throws it to the ground. "i knew it was too good to be true" "so what now" "i'm going to invent a proper hearing aid that removes that accursed character from speech" "do you have any knowledge of electronics" "of course not" "so how do you plan to invent anything" "wishes and prayers; maybe i can find a genie somewhere" "oh perhaps" "though if i had a genie, i can just remove the character from speech for everyone, every time" "our speech, too, can sound as awkward, forced, and stilted as yours" "sounds as though you are referring to some sort of paradise" "weird way to say hell" "don't say to me that you are a sympathizer of that wretched character" "i don't really prefer one letter over another; some are more common, but they are all useful" "you just don't understand" "not really no" "one day, i hope everyone can understand, but maybe it can't be in my time on this earth" "probably not" (L)Aura sighs and trots off to bed to cry into her pillow-less mattress, as is her tradition. Michelle brings over the supplies for a pillow fight. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 097: An Unfortunate Series of Events [Ilona]
"hey um kid? i've got an unpaid loan here i need you to take care of" "you sound uncharacteristically hesitant" "well it's me; i took out the loan" "from yourself?" "well a few demoness friends and i went out drinking and i got absolutely wasted and really wanted some tacos so i drunkenly took out a loan from my own business and spent the money, so i have none to pay it back with" "you're surrounded by crisp fivers" "those are the business's; it may surprise you to learn that i don't take a salary, and thus have no money of my own" "so, what then?" "you need to break my legs" "this doesn't feel right" "the balance has been disrupted; i can't just skim money off the top of the business; that's unethical" "never thought i'd hear you say that" "my business is the most important thing to me kid; i'd die before i compromise its integrity, so please break my legs for being unable to pay off my loan" "okay if that's what you want" Jakey hops over the counter and snaps Ilona's legs. "i usually love that sound, but not today" Despite being a demoness capable of self-healing such an injury, Ilona wallows with her broken legs. Michelle takes photographs to sell to the tabloids. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 098: Overtaxed [The Great Cheryl]
"JARED good there you are; have you seen this shit? that absolute cunt of a goddess hecate gave the royal court funding instead of me!!!" "her reasoning was that you are, and i quote, a twat" "pfft big talk coming from the twattiest cunt of a woman i've ever met; besides, the royal court already gets way too much funding in the form of the taxes i have to pay each and every year" "wait that's a yearly thing? good thing i'm diplomatically immune from taxation" "must be nice jeremy but some of us are browbeaten into paying off the king's ridiculous blueberry muffin budget" "you could always move to a different country" "and what? pay an olympian to give money to every other nation on earth? pay a demoness to make everyone's lives more inconvenient? pay you to fund all that meandering you're always doing?" "you could form your own country" "oh no not even once; you heard of that babel place right? you can't keep people out if you make a good country, and the people are what turn it to shit" "fair point" "i am unfortunately forced to keep on paying the king stan until he discovers that cure for thursday or whatever it is he does" "his wizards have already found a cure for monday, so things are looking up" "yeah yeah whatever" The Great Cheryl summons Michelle, and launches her toward Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hecate missions]

Mission 099: On the Verge of a Miracle [King Bran]
"jakey great news; using the funding we got from hecate, ortence and elizabeth managed to create a cure for tuesday!!! we are so close to that long-awaited cure for thursday that i can almost taste it" "what does it taste like" "key lime" "not bad" "so are there any days of the week you would like to have cured" "well not exactly; if you recall, due to the various warpings of the space-time continuum we've had over the past year, july has grown an extra day" "right, july 32nd" "we should probably get that looked at" "eh it's probably benign and will go away on its own" "if you say so" "i'm only worried about what will happen if july 32nd falls on an evil day of the week" "by which you mean thursday" "right; at that point, it could become malignant and kill us all" "exactly; we need to cure this thursday disease stat" Michelle gives King Bran a custom calendar with all the Thursdays removed, except for the one that falls on his birthday. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 100: On the Verge of a Further Miracle [Ortence]
"jakey great news; using the funding we got from hecate, elizabeth and i managed to create a cure for tuesday!!!" "yeah kb told me already" "oh" Ortence looks at the floor, slightly embarrassed. "well that's all i had to say" "really? nothing else going on in your life?" "well, i accidentally ate one of my spell reagents, a leaf from the legendary tree of gumption, and further accidentally cast a spell using a key lime pie" "that explains a lot" "i really wanted to eat that key lime pie too" "if you want it, i've got a lemon meringue pie in my pocket" "um no thanks" "it's not like loose; it's in a protective plastic thingy" "still, it's not the same" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and produces a Boston cream pie from her pocket. It is not in a protective plastic thingy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]