Something to That Effect (2029)

Mission 026: Writing a Wrong [Jezzie]
"so how'd ice cream with elemenopeia go" "oh it was hilarious; she removed the I-C-E from everyone else's creams and they all melted all over everyone's hands" "oh um nice" "regardless, my next apology is for you" "oh what for this time" "i was the one who kidnapped meredith" "never heard of her" "what?! but you two share such a rich history!!!" "i've never heard of anyone called meredith" "it's been implied throughout the story that you and meredith share a rich history" "what? when?" "i implied it just now; multiple times, in fact" "that's not how anything works" "fine, let's just ask meredith about this; she was trapped under my tower but that collapsed into rubble years ago so she's under my rubble" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey appear in a chamber where a woman with long blonde hair covering her right eye is chained to the wall. "JAKEY!!! i knew you would come!!! we share such a rich history!!!" "since fucking when?! i've never seen you before in my life!!!" "you always were a kidder jakey but um i'm kind of in peril here so let's leave your trademark japes aside for the moment; we wouldn't want our rich history to come to an end here of all places!!! not after the promise we made twelve years ago" "i am not doing this; i am not going to allow you to convince me of things that never happened" "oh woe; it appears the promise will remain unfilfilled and our rich history will come to an end" "i have a headache" Jakey marches out of the room, straight into Michelle. "now michelle, there's a character i share a rich history with" "indeed; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Meredith missions]

Mission 027: A Great Deed [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice uh what are all these crates" "you remember a few months ago when king bran was on a new medication and decided to give out some humanitarian aid?" "yeah that was just strange" "well he had everyone form a line and it was first come, first served; i was at the front of the line and he asked me how much humanitarian aid i wanted and i said 'all of it' and he just gave it to me" "so what have you been using it for" "it makes a nice conversation piece, as evidenced by this exchange" "that's a much better use for it than when goo zealand wanted to feed and shelter its people after that hurricane" "i know right? they would have used it up right away, but these crates will stand here forever in mint condition" "think of the resale value; genuine 2029 crates of humanitarian aid will be worth a fortune to collectors a hundred years from now" "i can tell just by the fumes they're generating that it is a marvellous vintage" "indeed" Michelle pops out of one of the crates. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 028: Brand New Day [Eleatrice]
"hey elly how's queening going" "oh it's great; i'm about to hear a minor demoness's pleas" "i love watching minor demonesses get what they deserve" Eleatrice nods, then buzzes in the peasant. "oh it's elemenopeia; what a surprise" "eleatrice i have put together a list of signatures and a thesis on why i deserve to replace echidna as a major demoness" "an entire thesis?!" "once i start stringing letters together, i find it hard to stop" "well allow me to give you my thoughts approaching the problem at face value before you get into dichotomies and whatnot" "fine" "echidna really overstepped her bounds a few months ago when she tried to kill everyone, so i'm all for demoting her" "okay that's twelve hours of work down the drain" "but tell me elemenopeia: why should i promote you and not busara or ilona?" "do you really want ilona AND irona as major demonesses?" "fair point, but busara is quickly turning into one of the greats" "but i control language itself; if i so wish it, i could remove entire concepts from existence while busara just putts around in a bus" "fair point; your power level seems pretty high, but busara brings in so much money" "oh is that all? M-O-N-E-Y" A giant stack of cash appears in front of Eleatrice. "just by adding the letters to the world in front of me, i can generate infinite amounts of cash" "and infinite amounts of inflation" "infinite amounts of what?" "_________" "..." "..." Eleatrice checks Hell's stock options. "did you just remove an entire concept from existence?!" Elemenopeia curtseys. "you're hired; as of today, echidna is a minor demoness and elemenopeia is a major demoness; she'll be steamed next september when she's alive again, but you can figure something out, i'm sure" "thank you miss eleatrice; you won't regret this because i can remove the letters R-E-G-R-E-T from your body if i have to" "good to hear" Elemenopeia heads to Echidna's fortress to redecorate. She tosses out a Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions/Ilona missions/Irona missions]

Mission 029: A Troubling Sight Indeed [Eleatrice]
"hey jakey good timing i just spawn-killed gremory and terraphina" "oh speak of the devil, i was actually wondering about that: if you as queen of hell have the power to make whomever you desire a major demoness instead of someone else, why don't you demote gremory or terraphina" "remember that the thirteen major demonesses all represent a foundational element of the universe; i could remove echidna, and that would just decrease the amount of venomous snakes running around, which i believe lilith is already trying to destroy as we speak; if i removed gremory, there would be a lot less water in the world, which would probably destroy the earth, and it's the same for terraphina and you know the ground we walk on" "so which demonesses can be safely removed without destroying the universe as we know it" "that's a good question; to put it simply: i believe that echidna is the only one we could possibly remove and not have people complaining all the time" "really?" "yes, remove wynne and everyone gets all indignant about not being able to breathe; remove gravella, and everyone just floats away; remove timera, and that hot 15-year-old will never reach the age of consent" "what a torturous world where girls never turn 16" "that's why they call it sweet 16 yes" "so basically you're not going to fuck with anything else" "pretty much; as much as i like busara, a busload of buses won't make up for a lack of air or gravity" "fair enough" Michelle floats up, having had her gravity decreased by Gravella. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions/Gravella missions/Timera missions]

Mission 030: There's No Place Like Gnome [Lilith]
"hey lilith did you know that if you expose a goblin to tin, it becomes a gnome?" "jakey i have been trying for YEARS to induce a state whereby all goblins are turned into gnomes permanently, but that damn carbon in the air keeps ruining everything" "you like gnomes, i take it?" "gnomes are smart, classy, and successful; with an army of gnomes by my side, i'd rule the world!!! instead, i'm stuck babysitting a bunch of indestructible, retarded toddlers" "i have a few guarding my lawn" "doesn't everyone? unfortunately, lawn gnomes can't carry out secret missions, and neither can goblins" "what kinds of secret missions do you need done" "once i asked a goblin to poison eleatrice's tea, and she poisoned my tea instead; i was sick for weeks" "rough" "and this other time, i asked a goblin to draw up some blueprints for a nuclear submarine, and when i exited my room, the walls were covered in badly-drawn blue pawprints" "i really don't see why you expected any less" "and the worst part, the absolute worst part, is that the goblins have been on hunger strike ever since st. patrick's day" "the fact that you saved the world means absolutely nothing to them i take it" "i received medals from canada and alabama, a free pizza party from the queen of hell, and a meatball sub from the queen of fucking olympus, but my own subjects treat me like i killed their puppy" "maybe it's time to throw them into a volcano" "i'm tempted, i'm really tempted" Michelle walks up and gives Lilith another medal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Nyx missions]

Mission 031: A Second Thought [Lilith]
"hey lilith i was thinking about something you said earlier" "oh how sweet" Jakey chooses to ignore that line. "you said that the goblins were on hunger strike, but you never liked having to feed them anyway" "yes but just because they refuse to eat doesn't mean they refuse to complain about being hungry" "oh" "they stare at me while i eat and complain about how hungry they are and i offer them some pizza or whatever and they tell me to apologize for what i 'did to them' on st. patrick's day and promise not to ever do it again" "why don't you fake apologize and make the promise only to reneg next year" "i refuse to give them the satisfaction" "satisfaction that will only be later met with cutting disappointment next year; it may simply dishearten them into never trying anything like that again" "or it could make it far worse next time" "that's future you's problem" "i am beginning to understand you a lot better now" "think about it the way that i do: there are three versions of me: past me, who if i ever meet him in an alley, i will fuck him up because he's a fucking cunt" "okay" "then there's present me, who is living the best life possible in spite of the attrocities committed by that fucker past me, and finally, future me, who is a sap who always takes the blame for my bad indecisions" "yeah, that lines up well with my impression of you; fortunately for you, you will eventually die, leaving your descendants to pick up your mistakes" "god bless those hypothetical kids" "unfortunately for me, i am a one and only, and i will always be" "well you're fucked then i suppose" "as always" Michelle walks up. "jakey i am going on hunger strike until you take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 032: Living the Dream [Elemenopeia]
"hey elemenopeia how's being a major demoness treating you" "it's GREAT; before, at the weekly demoness dinners, i had to sit at the minor demonesses table with the 'literally who' demonesses like goosephone, the demoness of goo" "never heard of her" "exactly; but now i sit with the movers AND the shakers" "i thought the demoness of shaking was a minor demoness" "it's an expression" Just then, a red figure bursts into Elemenopeia's house. "ELEMENOPEIA" "that's my name" "you have upset the natural order, and i am here to war with you over it" "really? you? but you're so adorable" "THIS IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM!!! i am enyo, goddess of war, but no one takes me seriously any more because i'm so cute!!!" "and that's my fault?" "yes; i used to be the goddess counterpart to echidna, who struck the right balance of attractiveness and intimidation, so i looked the part of a goddess of war, but you are an absolute CUTIE and no one believes me when i say my army is going to raze a village to the ground" "so as always, my problem is that i'm just too damn cute" "yes, i've been saying that" "well thank you for the compliment" "okay you leave me with no choice; MEN!!! ATTACK!!!" Enyo's men do no such thing, as they are all too enamored with her newfound cuteness. "life is pain" Enyo mopes away, and Michelle mopes in. "i will never be that cute; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Enyo missions]

Mission 033: Cuteness Eternal [Elemenopeia]
"um elemenopeia, what is that horrible scratching noise" "i thought it was you" "not unless i have a medical problem i was previously unaware of" "i suppose we can check it out" Jakey and Elemenopeia heads outside to see Enyo keying and egging Elemenopeia's car. "really?" "my men may not respect me any more, but i will still fight!!! your car is defeated!!!" "oh you're so cute when you're wrong; behold as i remove the letters S-C-R-A-T-C-H and E-G-G from my car" In seconds, Elemenopeia's car is back in top condition. "WHAT." "normally, i'd be pretty mad, but you're too cute to punish so go on, get out of here you crazy kid" "i will find a way to defeat you" "sure sure" Elemenopeia shoos away Enyo, and Enyo cutely trudges off, disheartened. Michelle plainly trudges on, disheartened. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 034: Delegation [Special Agent Grace]
"okay grace how's little baby victorrhea" "i used my canadian special forces medical training to cure her bifidas with the appropriate taps" "nice nice" "then i realized i don't like babies and gave her to that nurse who was taking care of the adult her before she died" "how'd that go" "she cried a lot" "the baby or the nurse" "both" "so where is the nurse now" "at that facility that was constructed specifically for victorrhea" "makes sense; i'll go see how that's going" "good; it's really hard for me to do tasks for you while also guarding your body from the various perils it stumbles into" Jakey heads to the medical facility, where Panacea is dilligently taking care of baby Victorrhea. "hey panc how's it going" "my prayers have been answered" "huh?" "after victorrhea's death, i was a shell of a nurse; i prayed day after day for a chance to save her from her untimely demise, and it's finally happened" "uh you know we're trying to return the displaced babies to their original times right" "i can save her" "no, you'll cause a time paradox" "I CAN SAVE HER" "..." "..." "fine this is one of those 'future me' problems" "yes baby victorrhea; you will be well-taken care of and will never die under my care no never" Jakey sighs and leaves, resigning himself to having to kill Panacea later. Michelle sighs and leaves, resigning herself to being taken home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 035: A Blurry Mess [Violet]
"okay violet tell me: what's with the blurry pictures" "well you know that i am a reporter and i realized that a lot of news articles have accompanying pictures" "you only just now realized that?" "i don't read other people's newspapers; there are laws against plagiarism and i am very afraid of remembering an article i read and mistaking my rememberance of the article for my own original thoughts" "fair enough" "so anyway: i bought myself this camera here and every time i took a picture, it would come out blurry and i looked at my collection of blurry photographs and i realized that the blurriness really adds a new dimension to the picture" "yeah now it's like a guessing game because i have no idea what i'm looking at" "that one's of you" "i'll take your word for it" "regardless, i need to have more of these photographs autographed" "is that why we're at the bar" "well i have this amazing blurry photograph of libella, the demoness of libations, and i need her drunken hand to sign it" "let's head in" Jakey and Violet enter the bar, and take a seat. Libella is tending bar, and has been clearly drinking her own product. "hello what can i get you four" "i have this amazing photograph of you and i'd like you to sign it" "oh anything for a fan" Violet sets the photograph down on the table, and Libella signs it without a second thought. "that ish a great picture of me; really bringsh out my eyesh" "i know right?" "if you have another copy of it i'd love to hang it in the bar" "oh yeah i printed several" Violet hands Libella another blurry, glossy photograph, which is then stuck to the wall with a knife. "if you have any photographsh of celebritiesh i'd buy them off you to trick people into thinking they come to the bar on the regular" "that's a splendid idea; i will return with some" "god shpeed" Violet rolls out of the bar, and Michelle slides Jakey a drink. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Libella missions]

Mission 036: A Moment, Frozen in Time [Violet]
"so who's next on your blurry photograph autograph quest" "well libella wanted pictures of celebrities, and who's more of a celebrity than the songstess icelia?" "terrible idea" "why?" "icelia hates the existence of photographs of her; she always says: if people wish to gaze upon icelia's grand visage, they should come and see icelia in person, as no mere photograph can capture icelia's radiance" "she clearly hasn't seen my blurry photographs then; she'll love it" "it's your funeral" Violet walks up to Icelia. "miss icelia could you autograph my photograph of you" "A PHOTOGRAPH?! OF ICELIA?! if people wish to gaze upon icelia's grand visage, they should come and see icelia in person, as no mere photograph can capture icelia's radiance!!!" "this photograph is different; it captures the very essence of icelia" "icelia highly doubts this, but icelia will humor you" Icelia takes the glossy photograph and gazes at it, in shock. "THIS IS THE WORST ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE ICELIA'S BEAUTY THAT ICELIA HAS EVER SEEN!!!" "no way; the blurriness really brings out your haughty aura" Icelia tears the photograph into as many pieces as she can. "hey printing 8x10 glossies isn't cheap" "money will be the least of your worries, peasant, for now you face the wrath of icelia!!!" Icelia freezes Violet in place, and whistles for her backing band to drag her to the freezer, where she will forever remain as a monument of foolishness. Michelle nonchalantly throws her own blurry photograph of Icelia into the incinerator. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions]

Mission 037: Daughter Does Not Rhyme with Laughter [Ruth]
"hey ruth you're looking wistful" "jakey i have a problem" "i wouldn't expect any less" "when i was a child, i had a little sister; we were very happy with life and all that until one fateful day" "i hate fateful days" "an inspector came by for a routine daughter inspection; i passed inspection, but poor ruth 2 did not" "wait, your parents named her ruth 2?" "yeah that's part of the reason why she failed inspection" "and the other part?" "when the inspector laughed at her for being named ruth 2, she kicked him in the shins" "sounds like he deserved it" "yes but then she got taken away and i haven't seen her for 24 years" "you didn't stay in contact?" "i kept trying to write her letters, but they always got sent back for failing inspection no matter how many times i pored over the letter-writing handbook" "so inspectors have been ruining your life since you were a kid" "yeah it sucks but looking over old inspection records, i finally found information on ruth 2" "has she been working at a place you go frequently, yet through a series of unlikely coincidences, you two have never once crossed paths, always just missing eachother for one reason or another" "yeah how'd you know" "it seemed likely" "she works at a fancy restaurant i go to frequently to drown my sorrows in endless breadsticks" "oh, pimento park" "exactly; after i've worked up my courage, i will go there to meet her" "why don't you go now" "this conversation's been pretty long and i'm a bit tired; i'd appreciate it if you'd come pick me up after you get done taking your sister home though" "oh definitely" Jakey turns and grabs Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 038: A Magical Reunion [Ruth]
"okay i'm ready to meet my beloved sister whom the government forcibly estranged me from" "you got this ruth; if she gets uppity, just pull rank and remind her that you're ruth 1, the alpha, and she is ruth 2, the beta" "right; promise me you'll stand around listening to our conversation but not participating in it; i feel a lot safer when you do that" "any time" Ruth walks into the Pimento Park restaurant, and sees the unmistakable figure of Ruth 2 just getting off work. The figure it unmistakable because she looks exactly like Ruth only blonde so they can be told apart from a glance despite otherwise being identical. "hello, ruth 2?" "i have dreaded this day" "what" "i perfectly crafted my schedule so we would never have to meet despite frequenting the same places" "why" "because you never once wrote me a letter when i was scared and alone in a much nicer house than we originally lived in" "i kept trying to write you but my letters never passed inspection" "oh that actually makes sense; so what have you been doing these days" "remember how a strange man who works for the government came by one day and took you away for reasons that are still unclear?" "yes, i vaguely recall the fateful day that shaped my life" "yeah well our parents saw that guy take away their younger daughter and said 'that's what our older daughter is going to be when she grows up'" "that is so like them" "totally" "so you never became a TV cop" "no unfortunately" "well if it's any consolation, i never became a weather girl" "do you hate your terrible dead-end job too" "yes and worst of all, employees have to actually pay for their breadsticks" "that's just cruel" "to be fair we didn't used to have to until i started having infinite free breadsticks for every meal" "i assumed that's what all pimento park employees did" "so did i but apparently i cost the company millions" "and they cost you years of your life so it's only fair" "that's what i said" "wait i had an idea: what if i order the infinite breadsticks and give half of them to you" "you're a genius ruth 1" The two sisters head off to eat their ill-gotten breadsticks, likely causing Pimento Park to institute a rule against family members of employees getting infinite free breadsticks. Michelle walks out the door, carrying infinite breadsticks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 039: A (L)ove for (L)ife [(L)Aura]
"jakey i am, deep inside, very festive today" "it's hard for you to communicate what you mean without that one character isn't it" "yeah but maybe i can do better in song; i request that you guard my bath and come in on the condition that i shout 'ESTER GUM'" "on it" (L)Aura turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into her soap-orb bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫when the moon hits your eye akin to a big pizza pie, that's amore; when the earth seems to shine as you've had too much wine, that's amore♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, it suddenly goes silent. Jakey assumes it's because (L)Aura hit a roadblock on the 'ting-a-ling-a-ling' part, until he hears a fateful phrase. "ESTER GUM ESTER GUM" Jakey bursts into the bathroom with a fury, ready to punish the trespasser(s). "no one's here" "some ruffian absconded with my soap!!! i can't bathe without soap!!!" "you really should keep extras for just this sort of situation" Jakey pulls out his bubblebath guard emergency kit, and passes (L)Aura a bar of emergency soap. "stock up properly next time" "noted" Jakey returns to his position, and (L)Aura returns to her bath, embarrassed. She soon exits the bath, and sheepishly heads to get dressed. Michelle walks up carrying a slightly-used bar of soap. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 040: Risk It for the Biscuit [Octavia]
"hey octavia i brought biscuits" "..." "..." "how did you know" "everyone loves biscuits" "sure let's go with that; hold this baby me for me while i eat some biscuits" Octavia hands Jakey baby Octavia, who is far heavier than he'd imagined. "what's she been eating? bricks?" "newborn orcish babies alweighs weigh exactly 56.426 pounds at birth; an ounce over or under is a sign of severe medical problems" Jakey places baby Octavia onto a scale. "baby you weighs only 53.215 pounds" "and i have severe medical problems, mostly in regard to my height" "yeah that makes sense" Just then, a familiar piercing laugh crests the hill. "OH~hohohohohohoho~!!! even little baby octavia is small and defective; compare to beautiful, healthy baby odilia" Odilia places her baby self on the scale. "baby you appears to be overweight" "because baby me isn't a newborn silly; this is me at a whole year old" "you gained thirty pounds in a year?" "i was bulking, as all orcish babies do; here is a picture of baby octavia overbulked to bring her up to the minimum weight for orcish baby boxing" "you just carry that around?" "it's a great conversation starter" "most of which begin with the phrase 'you just carry that around?'" "yes" "also: orcish baby boxing?" "yes, it's pretty self-explanatory" "is it adult orcs punching babies or baby orcs punching eachother" "the latter" "so i take it there was a baby champion each year then" "yes, i won my baby championship" "and since you're four years older than octavia, you never fought her as a baby" "yeah so?" "did she also win her baby championship" "irrelevant" "so basically the dangerously underweight baby that then bulked to regulation size was for all intents and purposes equal to you, a normal baby" "hey look it's my bus" Odilia runs across the street to catch her bus. Michelle disembarks the bus, carrying her own baby boxing trophy, having beaten countless baby orcs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions]

Mission 041: The Most Important Fight [Octavia]
"okay jakey thanks to the recent baby problems, we have a unique opportunity" "are you going to make baby you fight baby odilia" "yes; look at how much i've bulked baby me up" "she's basically a sphere" "and she's minimum weight" "i don't see this going well" "for whom" "anyone" "fair; i won't make you watch" "so should i just dawdle for a few hours then come back" "that works" "okay" Jakey dawdles with all his might, and returns two hours later. "how'd it go" "baby me won" "odilia's got to love that" "she has already repressed the memory" "wow she's good" "and what's worse is no one who cares about orcish fights showed up to watch because odilia is still ostrasized for learning magic" "i think she's up to magick now" "you said the same thing i just said" "i put a K on the end" "is that supposed to mean something to me" "magick is an evil, more powerful magic; contrast with magicq, which is a good, more powerful magic" "you said 'magic' three times" "do orcs not have the ability to distinguish between the 'c' 'ck' and 'cq' sounds" "maybe not" "so i can call you an orck?" "NEVER call me that" "so what's the problem with hearing the difference between magic, magick, and magicq?" "probably that my eyes glaze over after the 'mag' part" "that would do it" Michelle walks up and casts a magicq spell. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 042: A Voyage of Voyeurism [Alison]
"jakey good i've needed to talk to you; can you go and guard scarlett's bubbly bath so i can stand on this adjacent rooftop and paint her through the window" "just a moment" Jakey pulls out his Bubbly Bath Guard's handbook, and ctrl+Fs the pages, not finding anything pertaining to this situation. "okay i can do that" "thanks" Jakey heads to Scarlett's house. "jakey good i've been jonesing for a bubbly bath; please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i never thought you'd hurt me; i guess you live and learn that when you're playin' with fire, you're bound to get burned♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Alison spies on Scarlett with a high-powered telescope. Scarlett either doesn't notice or doesn't mind. "♫BABY, DON'T TREAT ME BAD; WELL, THIS COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT YOU'LL EVER HAVE♫" The bubbly bath concludes without incident, and Scarlett exits the bath. "thanks jakey i needed that; the woman with the telescope painting me was a nice touch" "yes" Scarlett heads off to get dressed, and Michelle walks in, completely dressed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 043: My Own Worst Enemy [Alison]
"jakey i want to create a self-portrait, but the paints feel dry and uninspired if i'm not spying on my subject with a telescope; i tried putting a mirror at a distance, but it didn't reflect well" "this is a predicament" "i decided to clone myself and paint my clone as she does her thing, but she is always spying on me with a telescope and mutual voyeurism is just silly" Jakey looks through the telescope. "did you cut her hair and make her blonde?" "well i didn't want to have to paint all that hair, and i can never mix this shade of brown right" "do you want me to talk to her and distract her so you can paint her" "that would be great" Jakey heads to the opposite rooftop. "hey alison's clone-" "jakey good timing; i want to create a self-portrait of my original as she does her thing, but she is always spying on me with a telescope and mutual voyeurism is just silly; could you head over there and distract her for me? also you should cut her hair because i don't want to paint all that" "before i do that, descibe to me in detail how much her spying on you all the time so you can't get any candid poses to paint annoys you" "oh i will, certainly" Alison's clone goes on and on for hours, and Alison is able to complete her self-portrait. She then heads over to the second rooftop. "thanks jakey now i'm going to put my clone into cold storage until i need her again" "or you could deprogram her as your clone and have her run around getting in hijinks until she runs out of steam at which point she will be ignored until the end of time" "no, i'm going with the cold storage thing" "fair enough" Alison freezes her clone, and heads down to the cold storage locker she rented. She then returns with a frozen Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 044: Oh Ho Ho It's Tragic [Sophia]
"hey jakey you know i just realized something: tragedy is great" "is it though?" "totally; i bought this high-powered fan and put it outside this ice cream place right? and when the kids come out with their ice cream cones, the fan turns on and blows away the ice cream" "that poor kid" "one time, the kid was really light and had a lot of surface area, so he blew into oncoming traffic and seemingly died" "at least he's with his ice cream now" "they didn't bring the ice cream with him to the emergency room" "bastards" "then when he awoke in the hospital, he inquired as to the whereabouts of his ice cream and the doctor sadly shook his head" "you were watching?" "well yeah i had to see how the story ended" "and how did it?" "the kid was released from the hospital, but he was a shell of his former self; that day, he became a man" "and i imagine you kept using the fan" "yeah because that was awesome" "any other good tragedies to share?" "this one time, this guy asked me if he could borrow a dollar, and i gave it to him, right? but then as he walked away, i took it out of his pocket and when he went to pay for his large soda and bag of chips, he was one dollar short" "did they arrest him" "of course" "good" Michelle gets blown in by a giant fan. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 045: Based on a True Story [Valerie]
"hey valerie how's it going" "o-oh jakey!!! r-remember last year wh-when b-busara gave m-me that a-amazing suggestion t-to throw a-all the corpses i-into one b-big grave?! i-it's been s-such a timesaver!!! i-i-i-i f-finally got to w-work on th-that novel i-i-i-i've a-always wanted to wr-write" "i never pictured you as a novel-writer" "w-well th-there was a l-lot of time to th-think wh-when d-digging graves, a-and i-i-i've g-got a st-story in m-my heart th-that i-i-i n-need to tell" "okay lay it on me" "a w-woman marries th-the m-man of her d-dreams but then b-buries him b-because he d-died young of t-trenchfoot" "he died of trenchfoot?" "h-he was i-in that t-trench a l-long time" "okay carry on" "s-so a-as she b-buries him, a-an evil w-wizard flies o-overhead and r-revives the graveyard a-as his e-evil zombie m-minions" "oh no" "b-but!!! th-the man is n-not turned i-into a z-zombie d-due to the p-power of love a-and he and th-the woman fight th-the wizard and b-bring peace b-back to the c-country" "i'm with you so far" "b-but t-tragedy!!! th-the w-wizard's magic was k-keeping the man alive so when he r-reverses the z-zombie spell under g-government torture, h-he dies again" "oh no" "a-act two is a-about th-the woman b-breaking into th-the secret g-government agency h-headquarters a-and forcing th-them to h-have the wizard r-revive the man again" "what a twist" "B-BUT T-TRAGEDY!!! th-the man is a z-zombie this time!!! th-the woman is h-heartbroken, and lets h-herself be b-bitten a-and the two l-live f-forever as z-zombie lovers" "okay i am going to leave now so you can get back to writing this book because i really want to read it now" "r-really?!" "yeah it sounds awesome" "th-thanks!!!" Valerie dilligently gets back to work, and Michelle furiously scribbles down Valerie's ideas to remind herself NOT to copy them later. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 046: A Cursed Existence [Jasmine]
"hey jasmine how's my least favorite gravedigger doing" "awful; i recently discovered the joys of dirt and i injured myself pretty bad" "how so" "well as you know i use tiny shovels to dig graves and i have lately been deriving great joy from pouring the dirt between my boobs and rubbing them together" "god i wish i was dirt right now" "well unbeknownst to me, one of my shovelfuls contains a particularly sharp rock, which completely tore up my innermost boob skin" "oh no" "suffice it to say, until my boobs heal, i will be unable to rub them together for fear of reopening my wounds, and unable to pour dirt between them for fear of getting an infection" "good news jazzy, i've got really dumb healing powers i haven't used in a while, and in spite of our differences, i am willing to heal your boobs for you" "are you?! that's great; heal away" "okay so there is a technique to this; unbandage your breasts" Jasmine does as she is told while Jakey cuts open his fingers. In the short time before Jakey's fingers magically heal, he rubs his bloody fingers all up in Jasmine's breast area. "is this part necessary" "IT IS INTEGRAL" "hey i feel better now thanks" "treatment's not over yet" "and when will it be over" "impossible to tell" From the side of the graveyard, Michelle slides into frame. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 047: A Solid Investment [Olivia]
"jakey you know a lot of weirdos" "indeed" "do you know anyone who's trying to get people to sign extremely blurry glossy 8x10 photographs" "yeah that would be violet, but icelia froze her solid" "well it seems that with her last ounce of unfrozen strength, this violet woman sent a temp request to the agency to get someone to have people sign these blurry pictures" "that sounds like her; even if she's frozen solid, she's still got to achieve her goals" "the problem is that none of these pictures are labeled, and i have no idea who they're supposed to be of" "well let's see if we can't figure this out" Olivia spreads a few photographs onto the table. "oh this one's me" Jakey signs the photograph, then smudges his signature, as per Violet's request. "how could you tell" "it speaks to me; i've never seen a blurry photograph before that made me think 'that's me' before" "fair enough i suppose; how about this one" "that's enyo, but from earlier this year before the incident" "the incident?" "skip this one; it's a touchy subject" "okay then, this one?" "that's laura tarken, but she will hate the idea of a blurry photograph of her because she hates the letter L" "how does that work" "i try not to think too hard about it" "so i take it this is another one i should avoid" "honestly, you should probably avoid doing any of them because every single person you go to is going to ask why the hell you want her to sign a blurry photograph instead of a crisp and clear one" "and i have no idea why she's doing this" "she told me once, but i believe my brain discarded her explanation for the sake of my sanity" "that sounds about right" Michelle walks up, and signs a blurry photograph of herself, then smudges the signature. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions]

Mission 048: Against His Better Judgement [Meredith]
Jakey enters the chamber beneath the rubble in Hell, against his better judgement. "oh jakey welcome back!!! i knew you'd come back what with our shared rich history and all" "yeah i still don't believe any of that is true, but i'd feel guilty leaving you chained up" Jakey unlocks all the chains with the convenient nearby key. "oh this reminds me of that one time, back in vegas" "are you sure you're not confusing me for someone else" "ha, you always were such a kidder jakey" Jakey unlocks the last chain, fully expecting Meredith to turn into an evil spirit obsessed with destroying the world. Nothing happens. "hey can you take me back to my place" "i am legally unable-" "oh right, can you take me home-adjacent; it's been years and i need to make sure it hasn't been bulldozed to build a coffee shop" "where do you live" "oh, ha; good one jakey" "what" "of course you know where i live; our various romps and escapades always started there" Jakey grumbles under his breath, getting really tired of Meredith's false statements. Jakey calls for Trixie's magical taxi service. "trixie's taxis; you drink it, we drive it" "i've got a lost and confused girl here who wants to go home, but i'm pretty sure she needs a padded cell" "got it" Trixie warps into the room, grabs Meredith, and warps out. Michelle coughs, chained to the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 049: A Nice Padded Room [Meredith]
"so meredith how do you like your cozy straitjacket" "you're a real buzzkill, you know?" "you should know, what with all that 'rich history'" "yeah yeah i get it; it didn't work" "that's right; your plan, whatever it was, could not work against my insanely detail-oriented memory when it comes to cute girls" "fine fine; i will reveal my true form, but any guesses first?" "you're someone i've never met and thus don't have any history with, letalone a rich one" "damn you're good" Meredith's form twists from within her straitjacket, and her true form is revealed. "i don't get it; all that writhing and wriggling, and it looks like you only got a haircut" "it's really hard to change the length of your hair without access to your arms" "so this explains the way your hair always covered your right eye no matter what angle i tried to get on you" "yeah the glowing red eye would have given me away" "so are you some kind of demoness" "can i use my speech i'd practiced for when you fell for my machinations" "only if you sign this document confirming that i did not, in fact, fall for your machinations" "fine" Jakey calls his lawyer to draw up some legal documents. Natalie writes out a ten page contract, and puts a pen in Meredith's mouth, and she signs and initials the document. "okay, go ahead" "ahem: YOU FOOL!!! you believed that i was your beloved meredith with whom you shared a rich history, but LO!!! MEREDITH NEVER EXISTED!!! THE RICH HISTORY WAS BUT A RUSE!!! for i am not meredith, the human girl, but rather MEREDITH, THE DEMONESS!!! the whims of fate are MINE to control!!! and you were fated to fall for my ruse!!! WHAT AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT FOR YOU!!!" Meredith cackles maniacally while Jakey gives her a round of applause. "you're not very good at controlling fate are you" "not really; i can make people trip and fall but i struggle with changing what they believe or want to do" "which is what makes you a minor demoness" "yeah um could you get me out of this straitjacket?" "i'll have to check with the warden; premature releases are a legal nightmare" "oh no rush" "glad to hear you say that" Jakey leaves, never to return. Michelle returns, never to leave. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 050: The Next Grand Stop [Busara]
"and the next stop on the tour is a personal favorite of mine; this is elemenopeia's laboratory" "hello" "elemenopeia is now a major demoness, the demoness of letters and the alphabet; el, what have you been working on lately" "well over the summer i decided to finally remove those redundant Us from certain words; now there is less between us and a good color or suit of armor" "but what if someone was a traditionalist and wanted to use the Us anyway" "i am now a major demoness, so i can smite that person with impugnity rather than having to get a permit" "any secret projects you can let the tour in on" "i'm going to try and revive the betabet" "never heard of it" "oh, you will; you will all hear of it and bask in its eternal glory" "ominous!!!" "if i need to, i will destroy the alphabet with my bare hands to bring the betabet to the mainstream; except the letter L, i'm partial to that one" "hey do you hear that ticking" Elemenopeia turns to see (L)Aura attempting to sneak back onto the bus. "this area is rigged with a bomb; this demoness's reign of terror ends here" "wait are you talking about me or elemenopeia" "the second option; you're fine busara" "oh good; NEXT STOP, the inside of a whale!!!" Busara speeds off, leaving Elemenopeia to deal with the bomb herself. She simply removes the letters B-O-M-B from the laboratory, expelling the bomb into the letters dimension. The letter X is damaged, but it will self-repair long before the next person attempts to use it. Busara drives into the whale, where the tour comes across Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elemenopeia missions]