A Thing of Beauty (2026)

Mission 076: Taxation Without Representation [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo how's the videogames been lately" "i bought that new game, the fable of felicity: sobs of the dutchy" "for $70?" "yeah it's fucking whack; with those two extra crisp fivers, i could bribe government officials on two separate occasions" "i tend to give game companies my soggier fivers; i take pride in the crispness of my bribes" "pen10 games is just devaluing the dollar; soon we'll have to bribe inspectors with tenners" "god forbid" "i am regretting my purchase honestly" "really? i thought you liked the fable of felicity: exhale of the outback" "yeah, for $60, not fucking $70" "fair point" "it's still better than all the other games in the series that were copying the boring formula established in the fable of felicity: panflute of epochs" "it would have to be" Michelle creeps up and slips a crisp twenner into Jakey's pocket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 077: Societal Collapse [Eleatrice]
"check it out jakey; with my electrical powers, i can turn off the electricity anywhere at any time" "that sounds potentially life-destroying" "i know right?! observe" Eleatrice turns her scrying orb to show the Icelia concert. "oh sweet she's singing icelia's song" "not for long" Eleatrice cuts the power at the pivotal moment in Icelia's song. When the lights come back on, Icelia is gone, a trail of frozen destruction where she used to be. "she froze her bandmates in solid ice" "wait for it" "ELEATRICE!!!" Icelia busts down the door of The Wicked Chateau with a localised blizzard. "hey icelia how's life" "do not direct that cheeky grin in icelia's direction, you swine of a queen; icelia put up with your increased taxes, your confusing legislation, and your ridiculous fashion sense, but icelia will NOT stand for you ruining icelia's song!!!" "what are you going to do about it, icy" "icelia told you never to try and shorten icelia's grand name" "are you just going to bluster at me or are you going to try and kill me and put yourself in power" "you are lucky that icelia is booked for the next five years on a concert tour and cannot take on the responsibilities of queen of hell" "nice excuse; you've never won a hellection, have you?" "uh-" "you're a jobber demoness, just like gremory" "..." "..." "you have legitimately hurt icelia's feelings" "okay yeah i took it a bit too far sorry" Icelia mopes off, legitimately upset. "i've never seen her like that" "do you feel bad, eleatrice? never would have imagined the queen of hell to have a soft side" Eleatrice attempts to electrocute Jakey, but he is immune to electricity due to various factors. The groundskeeper of The Wicked Chateau, Hayden Hughes, has finally gotten her assistant, Stacy, to fix the door. Stacy leaves to get in a nap, and just as she falls asleep, Michelle kicks down the door. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Icelia missions/Hayden missions]

Mission 078: Flickering [Eleatrice]
Jakey walks into the office of The Wicked Chateau, where Eleatrice is sitting at her desk, flicking the lights on and off with her demonic powers. "bored?" "a bit sad" "i've never known a queen of hell to get sad" "jezzie was a force of nature; it's not really fair to compare anyone to her" "fair enough i guess, but i can't imagine someone like lilith moping" "yeah her regimes were always extremely militant; martial law and high alert for two years until jezzie came and invariably killed her dead" "i bet it stings a bit more for the other demonesses to know that she's letting you stay queen of hell this time" "especially after i gave half of hell to lilith" "yeah i've been wondering about that for a while now; what's your plan with her" "have you seen that goblin workforce she's got? they're not good at anything" "but there are a lot of them so they can bruteforce any problem in front of them" "provided they don't break everything before then" "or fall into a volcano" "they do seem to do that a lot" Michelle walks in and flickers the lights. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 079: Inevitability [Lilith]
"hey lilith what's going on" "i'm trying to train up a goblin army but results have been mixed at best" "how so" "they don't know how to use guns and keep shooting themselves" "but they're goblins so it's fine, they're immune to bullets" "it would be fine if they learned from their mistakes" "it can't be that bad" "hey gobriella, gobigail come here" "hello" "hello" "yes yes, now show jakey what you've learned and shoot that target over there" "i like shooting targets" Gobriella and Gobigail line up their shots and fire, except their guns were pointed backwards and they end up shooting themselves. "did we do a good job" "no, you shot yourselves and not the target" "did we do a good job of shooting ourselves" "there is no such thing" "oh" "try again and hold the gun the other way" "okay" Gobriella and Gobigail line up their shots and fire, but their guns are still pointed backwards, only upsidedown, and they end up shooting themselves again. "did we do a good job" "look i'll show you again how to do it" Lilith pulls out her gun. "this part of the gun needs to be pointed AWAY from you" "oh" "strange" Lilith fires several rounds into the center of the target. "please try again" "okay" Gobriella and Gobigail line up their shots and fire, but end up shooting eachother. "did we do a good job" "THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH" "you're the one who wanted half the skill for half the price" Michelle shoots the center of the target at point-blank range, causing it to fall over. She then fires her remaining five bullets at the center, execution-style. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 080: New Model Army [Lilith]
"hey lilith, and rosalich, haven't seen you in a while" "we were just negociating a fee to make rosalich head of the gomorran army, and her zombies the bulk of the force" "given up on the goblins?" "they are not suited to warfare" "what are they suited to" "if you ever have a colouring book and need someone to colour outside of the lines, hoo boy, they will make you proud" "i'll bet" "now rosalich i know you have concerns about my stick-to-itiveness" "you've flaked on me before" "so this contract says that as long as gomorrah is standing, regardless of leadership, you will have this post as head of the army" "i brought my lawyer to look over it" The preeminent demoness lawyer, Sheraden Flask, appears in a puff of smoke. "hey what's this here in the fine print? 'bringing a lawyer to read over the contract cuts initial pay by 10%'" "sneaky" "it's a standard clause" "indeed it is; i say take it, most demonesses these days cut the pay by 20%" "okay okay" Rosalich signs the contract. "congratulations, i expect a great zombie army for attack and defense but mostly attack" "yes, you won't be disappointed, and neither will your replacement in a year or so when you inevitably get tired of this scheme" "we'll see" Michelle walks in and also signs the contract, earning herself a tidy stipend via a technicality for zero effort on her part. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rosalich missions]

Mission 081: Elf on a Shelf [Jezzie]
"hello, miss molyndre darkroot? my name is jezzie, former queen of hell" "oh, you" "yes, i am here to apologise for tricking you earlier and betraying your trust" "it's fine i guess; still not becoming evil for you though" "oh that's fine; i'm repenting, you see" "you're no longer evil?" "correct" "so can you get rid of those awful regular elves you created?" "that wasn't me; leanthe was the demoness in charge of creating elves" "did she create those new blood elves? they're weird" "no, that was eleatrice, the current queen of hell; leanthe is pretty steamed about it" "really?" "she says they're a blight" "that's rich coming from the woman who created regular elves" "i know right? they're so lame" "hey, you want to go get some ice cream and talk about how much we hate regular elves?" "yes please" Jezzie and Molly teleport off to get some ice cream. Michelle teleports in, licking an ice cream cone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Molly missions/Leanthe missions/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 082: Alphabetical [Akari]
"so akari how's being wynne's understudy going for you" "i hate it" "oh?" "i'm taking orders from two haughty demonesses and none of them involve killing" "yeah i can see how that would be annoying" "do you know anyone i can kill just a little bit" "uh no" "damn" "you're an addict; you should get into rehab" "rehab is for when you WANT to stop; i do not want to stop" "wrong, rehab is for when you don't want to stop, but everyone else wants you to" "i don't have a problem" "that's exactly what someone with a problem would say" "it's also exactly what someone without a problem would say" Jakey calls up the magical taxi service. "hey trixie? i need you to take someone to murderholics anonymous" "you are aware that they have a strict 'no wights' policy" "what? how did you know?" "it's the most common referral people try to get me to give" "damn" "good luck with your endeavours" Trixie hangs up, then Michelle calls immediately after. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 083: Betabetical [Brooke]
"so brooke how's being wynne's understudy going for you" "it's fine" "oh?" "what's the difference between taking orders from one haughty demoness or two? and i haven't had to kill anyone lately" "you do not like being a wight, do you" "no, i wanted to ascend to heaven but instead i became an unkillable spirit of vengeance" "you know, i've been to heaven, and all i've ever seen there were angels" "seriously? maybe you were just in the VIP section" "let's ask an angel; i've got one on speed dial" "wait what" Jakey calls up Piper. "hey piper you remember how two years ago you died and because of your saintly deeds, they made you an angel?" "yeah i vaguely recall something like that happening" "well i was wondering: you ever seen any non-angels up there in heaven?" "come to think of it, no; everyone here was canonised and became an angel" "see? regular people just become undead" "my entire life is a lie" "you'll get used to it" Michelle falls from the sky, wearing a destroyed angel disguise. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 084: Tourist Junk [Ruth]
"oh jakey good; i'm about to go inspect a recently-opened tourist trap on the dragonic mountains" "that's been around for a year" "we had a backlog of inspections and i was seriously dragging ass on it" "fair enough; let's roll" Jakey and Ruth head up to the Draconic Peak, where they are greeted by an enthusiastic Drishti. "hello tourists and welcome to the dragonic mountains!!!" "TOURIST TRAP INSPECTION" "oh!" "all right my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the inspection board" "yes yes of course; what are you inspecting for" "to make sure your tourist trap has enough attractions and souvenirs" "well we've got a rollercoaster" "that's a good one and you should be glad this isn't a safety inspection and i don't care right now that it's about to topple over" "that's a feature" "uh-huh anything else?" "we've got the home of the oldest living dragon, drusilla, who is watching calamari challenge for the 118th time" "is she senile or just autistic" "can't it be both?" "fair enough; what about souvenirs" "that's drita's department" Drita walks over. "i'll take it from here; we've got keychains, novelty license plates, and blind box figurines" "and refreshments?" "blind box only" "what if i get a hot dog in my blind box and i am allergic to mustard" "oh don't worry; our blind box hot dogs are just bread and dog" "really?" "yes, if you want mustard, you'll need to buy a condiment blind box" "so what if i get a hot dog and mayonnaise" "that's up to you" "fair enough; you pass" Ruth stamps a big 'PASSED' onto the park's sign, causing the rollercoaster to topple over. "that's the third time this week!!!" Drita goes over to inspect the damage while Michelle crawls out of the rubble. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Drita missions]

Mission 085: Back to Ground [Violet]
"hey violet how's being trapped in a volcano treating you" "jakey you've got to get me out of here" "do i?" "yes, i cannot drive my bus from inside of a volcano" "i thought your purpose in life was to deliver the news and get scoops" "that was before i started driving the bus; i learned that the life of a bussie is the only life for me" "uh-huh; is background goblin #4 with you?" "yeah she's cool; she gave me some gum" "okay i'm going to throw down a rope ladder; send background goblin #4 up first to make sure it's safe" "good idea" Jakey lowers down the rope ladder, and shortly thereafter, Background Goblin #4 climbs up. "okay i'm coming up next" "nah" Jakey kicks down the rope ladder, trapping Violet inside the volcano again. "you fucker" "i have a second rope ladder, but in order to send it down i need you to answer a question" "shoot" "what do you call someone who drives a bus" "a bussie" "goodbye violet" "i will get out eventually and i will write stories about this" "good for you" "can we go get ice cream" "sure, background goblin #4" Jakey and Background Goblin #4 get ice cream and run into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 086: What's in a Name [Sophia]
"hey jakey cute goblin" "yeah this is background goblin #4" "she doesn't even have a name?" "no, she's just a background goblin" "well i'm going to call her gobecca" "okay well have fun taking care of her for the rest of your life" "huh?" "that's the law of goblinkind: if someone gives a goblin a name, then that person has to take care of that goblin for the rest of his/her life" "oh, fair enough, i suppose; she's already full-grown" "yeah all you really have to do is feed her and make sure she doesn't fall into any more volcanoes" "i guess i should cancel my vacation plans then" "you were going to visit a volcano?" "it was between that and the dragonic mountains but i got a much better deal on the volcano trip" "fair enough" Sophia pats Gobecca on the head. "i like headpats" "see? i've got it down to a science" "i never doubted you" "that's a first" "you have a lot in common with goblins" "uh thanks; i choose to take that as a compliment" Michelle walks up and pats Gobecca on the head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 087: A Song for the People [Icelia]
"hey icelia how are you holding up" "icelia is on top of the world, as always" "i see you've recovered from eleatrice's verbal assault" "icelia is stronger for having been assaulted; the experience caused icelia to write a second song" "you've got two songs now? never thought i'd see the day" "great things need to happen for icelia to write another song; icelia won't just write a song about anything" "yeah i know; so now instead of charging people $500 to watch/hear you sing your one song once, are you going to give them the second song as well for the same $500 or will you double the price" "icelia will triple the price; icelia's two songs are worth more than either individually" "is your band aware of your pricing plans" "oh yes; mavis here said icelia's duo of songs is worth double what icelia intended to charge, but icelia is a demoness of the people" "is this true, mavis?" "i would take a mortgage out on my house to hear icelia's new song, and to hear her original song as well? it is a bargain" Mavis, Jessica, and Lizzy all nod among themselves. "it is our solemn duty as icelia's backing band to make sure we do not ruin icelia's song with an errant note, or worse - improvisation" Icelia shudders at the word. "that is why these three are icelia's backing band; their uncompromising love of icelia and icelia's songs" Michelle walks in with her guitar and noodles all over a take of Icelia's new song. Icelia is livid. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 088: Transparency [Hayden]
"hey hayden how's it going" "i hate being a ghost" "i hear that a lot from ghosts" "it's so awful; see this broken door? if i could touch it, it would have been fixed days ago" "i believe the concept of a ghost was invented by a demoness exclusively for people who want to get things done, so they are unable to despite being ordered to" "i believe it; my entire job is based around needing to do things, but my undead existence as a ghost is based around not being able to do things" "so have you asked for help with the door dilemma" "i got stacy to fix it once but she did a poor job and hasn't woken up since" "and that's it?" "who else would i ask? i can't exactly make a phonecall because i can't grab the phone with these ghost hands" "would you like me to call someone" "the last time i had someone else call someone i got yelled at and my pay was docked for three weeks" "what do you even do with your pay?" "i let it pile up in the corner of my room; seeing the pile of bills comforts me" Michelle walks out of Hayden's room with an armful of bills. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 089: Scientific Advancement [Hayden]
"good news hayden" "you've learned how to fix a door?" "no, even better; i created a canadian science department" "i didn't know canada had any scientists" "i cobbled one together" "who is in this science department" "my maid and a small pixington who does her best" "okay so has this science department come up with anything that would help me or are you just bragging" "a little of both; BEHOLD" Jakey pulls a sheet off of a metallic humanoid figure. "what is this?" "it's a ghostly exoskeleton that you can posess and maneuver around to do tasks" "seriously?" "yeah" "oh boy" Hayden hops into the exoskeleton and immediately fixes the door in minutes. "i love it" Just then, a bolt of lightning strikes the exoskeleton, blowing it up and destroying the door again. "i take it eleatrice does not love it" Eleatrice's voice comes over the intercom. "jakey please meet me in my office" Jakey mopes down to the queen of Hell's office. "never do that again" "why? didn't you want your door fixed?" "the whole point of having a ghost groundskeeper is so she can come up with new and innovative solutions to problems for my amusement; i will not have you trivialising her problems by making her corporeal" "but-" "if i wanted a groundskeeper who could actually keep the grounds, i'd have employed a vampire or a wight or something" "so ghosts exist purely as a cruel joke" "exactly" Michelle walks into the Wicked Chateau and fixes the door herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Mary missions]

Mission 090: Line of Duty [Rosalich]
"hey rosie how's being commander of the army going for you" "there were some initial hurdles, but i think i've got a system going now" "give me the QRD" "i was told that my army had to use all these guns we have in stock, but zombies are notoriously bad at using firearms, so i came up with an ingenious solution; i requisitioned a bunch of ghosts and used necromantic magicks to fuse the ghosts with the zombies so now they have the ghosts' higher cognitive functioning and the zombies' corporeality" "so the strengths of both with only the weaknesses of the zombie" "well they are now weak to exocisms but seriously what kind of idiot would try to exorcise a zombie" "an extremely lucky idiot" "i may need to requisition an anti-good luck field" "hunt rabbits to extinction so people can't use their feet's lucky powers" "now there's an idea" Michelle walks in and places a mass of four-leaf clovers into the incinerator. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 091: Dark Blood [Molly]
"hey molly how's it going" "oh it's going great; i've decided that i should actually meet one of those new blood elves and i met ichoria and she's really cool" "yeah?" "yeah, she hates regular elves just like dark elves do" "to be fair, everyone hates regular elves, even chinese hopping vampires" "you just made that up" Jakey makes a phonecall, and soon arrives a Chinese hopping vampire. "she is certainly hopping" "do you choose to hop or is it required" "if i stop hopping, my heart will stop and my unlife will end" "rough" "what do you do in places with low ceilings" "hit my head a lot; i am technically a member of a football team, but i will never be cleared to play due to all the concussions i suffer on a daily basis" "rough" "and on top of this, you need to drink blood like a normal vampire?" "yes, and i am feeling a bit peckish" "luckily, i am a blood elf, and always carry several flasks of it on my personage" Ichoria tosses Fang a few vials of blood. "come friends, let us discuss how much we hate regular elves" "can't stand them" "i know right?" As the girls talk amongst themselves, Jakey is tackled from behind by Michelle, in full football gear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ichoria missions/Fang missions]

Mission 092: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie [Leanthe]
"hey leanthe i-" Jakey notices that Leanthe is asleep, as usual, and a dark elf is drawing on her face. "anima? what are you doing here" "i haven't had any work lately so eleatrice sent me to draw on leanthe's face" "really? that seems awfully mundane and petty" "she said it's better than sitting around and doing nothing" "i suppose; what are you drawing" "racing cars, fighter jets, you know" "cool" Michelle creeps in to Leanthe's hut with her marker at the ready, but notices that Anima has beaten her to the punch. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Anima missions]

Mission 093: Celebrity Celerity [Eleatrice]
"i had a realisation today jakey" "oh?" "the world we live in currently is perfect for me; everyone loves electricity, sure, but you know what else they love?" "uh celebrities?" "yes, specifically, the girl in the tub" "yeah everyone embraced her werewolfedness" "but you know what bathtubs need to work?" "water?" "yes, and water conducts electricity" "i don't like where you're going with this" "i can make a show of force on national television; make the girl in the tub utterly defeated by the queen of hell" "bad idea" "why? i've already been hellected; i'm queen of hell until i die" "scarlett has a ton of crazy fans who would murder you for even looking at her the wrong way" "i'm an all-powerful demoness; i can't be defeated by peasants" "peasants are a lot more powerful than they used to be; we gave them guns" "what. why would you do that" "it seemed like a funny idea at the time" "fine i'll leave the girl in the tub alone" Michelle walks in and begins firing her gun in random directions. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 094: An Interview [Wynne]
"welcome back to the broadcast; my name is orelie, and my guest today is the long-lost demoness of wind, wynne" "hello" "hello, i'd like to jump right into a question from a listener of the show: gail zefira asks 'hello wynne, while you were imprisoned in the forbidden cluster, i was involved in an accident and have gained wind-based superpowers; i was wondering if i need to swear deference to you for legal reasons'" "thank you for bringing this to my attention, gail; i'll expect you at my house by this time next week, and if you are even an hour late, you will be hearing from the full force of my demonic lawyers" "harsh, but that is the world we live in" "precisely; gail has done the right thing so far, but the ball is in her court about whether she wants to be my loyal minion or soundly defeated by my crack team of demonic lawyers" "well that's all we have time for; this has been orelie, thank you for tuning in" Orelie signs off with her signature hand gesture, despite it being a radio show. Michelle enters the booth. "and next up on this station is everyone's favourite show: 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Orelie missions/Typhoon-Girl missions]

Mission 095: In the Wind Column [Wynne]
"ah there you are gail; welcome" "yes, hello" "first of all: why the pink jacket?" "i like this jacket" "it does not go well at all with your green wind-themed clothing and accessories" "listen, i am teetering between good and evil; superhero and demonic underling; if you want my services, the pink jacket is non-negociable" "wow, touchy" "all my superhero cohorts do is complain about my jacket, and i came here to hopefully get away from that; i grew my hair out like they wanted so it would flow in the wind, but all i get is 'that pink jacket is ugly' or 'quick, put out the fire by throwing your ugly pink jacket on it' DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE'S A WATER-THEMED SUPERHERO" "fair enough; i will not mention the jacket again" "thank you; i really appreciate it" "so my ace lawyer, sheraden flask, has whipped up a contract positioning you, one gail autumn zefira, as my loyal servant; you'll take care of a few tasks for me here and there, but you will still be called 'typhoon-girl' professionally, and otherwise able to live your life however you see fit" "including my pink jacket" "yes, you can wear any jacket as long as it is over your new uniform" "uniform?" "yes, it's very similar to your current clothing, but the colour pallet is changed a bit to match my own; the pink jacket will be untouched due to it being your signature" "oh, okay" Gail signs the contract, and her outfit changes slightly. "isn't dressing the evil girl in black a little cliche?" "things become cliches because they are tried and true and good" "fair enough; thanks for getting rid of the ridiculous green hair" "i figured you'd like that change" Michelle walks in, wearing a ridiculous stripèd jacket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions]

Mission 096: Servant of the People [Piper]
"hey piper how's being an angel working out" "all the other angels just do nothing all day; i have no idea how these people ever became saints to begin with" "maybe they feel they've earned their rest and relaxation" "well i feel like there's still more good i can do on this mortal coil; using my angelic powers, i have figured out a revolutionary process to give breast implants to ghosts" "seriously? this is the most important philanthropic breakthrough since the original breast implants!!!" "exactly; this here is claire" "hey" "hey" "she has been unliving with these mediocre C-cups for TOO LONG!!!" "FAR TOO LONG!!!" "BEGIN THE PROCESS!!!" Piper focuses her angelic might on Claire's bosom, increasing her cup size from C to D to E. "dare i go any further?" "NO YOU DO NOT" Another angel descends from heaven. "oh. hi, angie" "what are you doing?" "a good deed; i am helping someone less fortunate" "you're helping a GHOST; an evil undead creature" "she didn't choose to be evil; she was murdered and then forced by the demonesses to serve them" "yeah and now she's evil; cease your 'charity' at once" "why" "we don't want the forces of evil to gain more power!!!" "but-" "since i know you can't do it, i will do what must be done" "wha-what does that mean" "i am reverting this ghost's breasts back to their original size; maybe even making them smaller" Without hesitation and by complete righteous reflex, Jakey shoots a bullet through Angie's angelic skull. "JAKEY YOU JUST KILLED AN ANGEL!!!" "that was no angel; that was the most evil creature i've ever seen" Dazed, Angie sits upright. "what? where am i? was i doing something important?" "we were just telling this ghost to go back to hell where she belongs" "yeah you disgusting ball of ectoplasm" "okay okay" Claire heads back to Hell, mouthing the words 'thank you'. "good work piper; you're on your way to earning back your blonde with ghost-bullying like that" "uh thanks ma'am" Angie floats back to Heaven. "maybe i should leave that one for another time" "sad, but maybe it's for the best" Michelle walks up and deposits a jar full of ghosts. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who Is a Ghost missions]

Mission 097: Themed Parks [Drita]
"hey drita how's the park coming" "swell; i think we've got the best location for a tourist trap" "my thoughts exactly" The Great Cheryl appears from a portal. "haven't seen you in a while" "i've been busy; working on creating my magnum opus: THE GREAT CHERYL LAND!!!" "well we welcome the competition" "yeah about that: i'm going to buy out this location to build my park on top of yours" "what you can't do that" "everyone has a price drusty" "this is our ancestral home that we've lived on for untold millennia" "housing is cheap in the city; you should try it" "why do you want this mountain so badly anyway? there are lots of mountains" "this is the tallest one; i can't have another tourist trap on a higher mountain than my own" "you have untold magical power; why not just make a taller mountain than ours?" "..." "..." "that's a brilliant idea; i'm glad i had it" "yeah me too" "now i can just make the world's tallest mountain wherever i want rather than this out-of-the-way rock you're standing on; ciao" The Great Cheryl warps off, and a rumbling is felt as a giant mountain sprouts up much closer to the city. "i'm sure there will be no repercussions for that" "the map companies will be happy; she just made everyone need to buy a new one" Michelle sets up an automated map-selling stand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 098: Friends with Benefits [Noriko]
"hey noriko how's the homestead doing" "you've been away all month so you probably don't know: your uh 'friend' lilith? she sent over fifteen goblins" "why" "one of them had a note pinned to its collar" "'dear jakey i ran out of space to store these goblins so while i am expanding the barracks, i need your maid to look after them for me; think of it as me cashing in one of my benefits to our 'friendship'; xxooxoxxo lilith'" "you're supposed to alternate the xs and os rather than put them all in a random order like that" "that's so impersonal; lilith is more accurately describing the order of the implied hugs and kisses" "really" "yes, i personalise my signoffs in letter form; last week i sent scarlett a letter where i signed it xobboobxboobbb" "what's the b for" "breast-groping" "of course" "it's a part of canadian culture, and, as such, i cannot be arrested for it" "yeah great anyway: i stuffed all of the goblins in the crawlspace" "goblins do like to crawl" "so when do you think lilith is going to pick them up" "when the other goblins finish construction on the new barracks expansion" "so there's going to be crawling in our space for years" "yes" Michelle crawls out of the space. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 099: A Walk in the Park [Mary]
"hey mary how's being a recluse going for you" "well sir earlier today, i tried to go outside for the first time since the incident" "how'd that go" "the world is a scary place sir, and i'm just a small little pixington" "what happened" "well, back in the homeland of the pixingtons, the celtic commonwealth-" "that's not what that country is called" "that's what it's always been called sir" "no, i recall it having a different name" "you never were good at geography, sir" "whatever, carry on" "in the commonwealth, we'd frequently go to the park to flit around and unwind and have a generally good time" "you went to julia's park, didn't you" "that woman is terrifying sir" "how many permits did she demand" "a flying permit, a stuttering permit, a crying permit, and an escaping permit sir" "she gets especially upset when people cry in the park without a permit" "if it's okay with you sir i'd like to stay here for the rest of my life and never leave" "that's fine" "good; i enjoy the status quo sir" Michelle walks in and passes Mary a handful of park permits. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 100: Priorities [Ichoria]
"so ichoria what have you been up to with your life" "well now that blood magick has been perfected by a human vampire-" "still a bit mad about that one?" "extremely mad, actually" "understandable" "so now that blood magick is perfect, i've been mainly helping out at hospitals, replacing the blood of people whose blood was stolen from them" "that's an odd way to put it" "they never consented to being stabbed or shot; their blood was stolen and not even properly cared for afterward" "the goal of a stabbing is rarely retrieval of blood" "well people should think more about it!!! blood is important, and just letting it spill on the ground like that is unethical" "most people would say that stabbing someone is unethical" "two wrongs don't make a right" "it's like if someone steals your car and your groceries are inside of it; people are going to be upset about the car moreso than the groceries" "that's ridiculous; people can live without a car, but groceries are essential to daily life; that's why you go through so many of them each week" "i guess? but the $100-200 people spend on groceries each week is negligable compared to the $20,000+ they spend on a car" "people have strange priorities; if someone stole my car and groceries, i'd be most upset about not being able to cook and eat that tube of biscuits i bought" "those must be some good biscuits" "the best" Michelle enters the room in her stolen car, and sets down a plate of biscuits. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]