A Thing of Beauty (2026)

Mission 101: Drawbacks [Fang]
"hey fang how's being chinese and being hopping and being a vampire going for you" "sometimes i wish i had become a regular vampire instead of a chinese hopping one" "tired of hopping?" "not exactly; i've been wearing this one outfit for years now but i can't change clothes very well due to constantly hopping and having my arms straight out in front of me" "most people i know only have one outfit" "no, they have multiple copies of the same outfit; i haven't changed or washed my clothes for years" "it doesn't smell that way" "vampires don't sweat or otherwise generate odors" "so what's the problem?" "changing clothes is one way we mark the passage of time; i feel like the last few years have just been one continuous day of hopping and not much else" "i could help you change clothes if you wanted" "oh would you? i've got an identical outfit to the one i'm currently wearing laid out on the bed i don't use" "why don't you use your bed" "i can't hop while lying down; i have to sleep standing up" "fair enough" Jakey begins the process. "what are these things" "my sleeves" "they're not attached to your top?" "no? why would they be" "and why are there five sets of pantyhose here" "they didn't have the dark colour i wanted so i decided to wear five of a lighter colour to achieve the same effect" "and do i need to replace your little paper thingy on your forehead" "no, removing it would kill me" "glad i asked" As Jakey finishes the task at hand, Michelle lines up behind Fang carrying her own outfit. "me next me next" "uh-" "fine be that way; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 102: The Queen of Necromance [Anima]
"hello anima? you invited me over for a romantic evening?" "oh sorry you misheard; i says a NECROmantic evening" "we're raising the dead?" "yeah, it's the best; check it out" Anima casts necromantic magicks on some roadkill. "ta-da" "how is that possum supposed to do anything with its back broken like that" "are you going to find fault in everything we do?" "probably" "fine; you find us something to necromance" "can't we just like watch a netflix show or something" "i hear calamari challenge is good" "i know people who have watched it in excess of 100 times" "on second thought, let's not; i don't want to get addicted" "good call" Michelle walks in and drops an armful of roadkill, which Anima immediately necromances. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 103: Bathly Items [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫sit there thinkin' in your room; you feel the pressure, you're goin' crazy too♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Bailey tromps up the stairs. "i've got a package for a miss hayes; i need her signature to drop it off" "she's in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫BREAKIN THE CHAINS AROUND YOU; NOBODY ELSE CAN BIND YOU; TAKE A GOOD LOOK AROUND YOU; NOW YOU'RE BREAKIN THE CHAINS♫" "sir, she knew this package was coming between monday and friday at some time between 8 AM and 10 PM; there is no reason she should be unprepared during that time" "no one gets past" "sir i have other deliveries to make" "no one gets past" Bailey taps her foot and checks her watch for the entire duration of the jolly tune until Scarlett exits the bathroom. "SIGN HERE PLEASE" "oh good my bath soaps came in; that last bath was a dry bath" "i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that" Bailey runs down to her truck and peels out, causing Michelle to fall out of the back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 104: Longtime, Firsttime [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; my name is orelie, and my guest today is gail zefira aka typhoon-girl, who wrote in just the other day to ask a question to the demoness wynne, and has now become her loyal servant; gail, tell us why you pledged eternal servitude to a demoness" "i tried to be a superhero and join river-girl in her neverending quest for justice but she is just the worst" "oh? everyone else seems to love river-girl" "they never had to work with her" "is this about your pink jacket" "how did you know?" "it's gaudy and doesn't fit your theme as a wind-based superhero" "can everyone just shut up about my jacket? i love it, and i am not getting rid of it" "we have another special guest on the show, a therapist who will help you to let go of that awful pink jacket" Gail leaves the studio, incensed that everyone hates her jacket so much. "soon she will have to learn that her social life is not worth keeping that terrible jacket around; this is orelie, signing off and signing out" Orelie turns to her second guest, Michelle, and shakes her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 105: Shorttime, Tenthtime [Orelie]
"welcome back to the broadcast; my name is orelie, and my guest today is river-girl, who has sworn to take down typhoon-girl and destroy that ugly pink jacket; river-girl, hello" "hello" "now one thing your opposition has going for her, some would say over yourself, is that we know her real name" "she knows it won't last long as a secret when her arrest records come in" "some people feel like you've got something dark to hide by not revealing to the public your real name, date of birth, home address, and social security number" "can you imagine what untold havoc someone like typhoon-girl could wreak with that information? she could send my entire family pink jackets, scarring them for life" "true, true" "i swear to you that despite my identity being secret, you can count on me to bring evildoers like gail zefira to justice, or my name isn't rebecca roberts" "..." "..." "oh goddammit" "and there you have it folks; river-girl aka rebecca roberts that's R-E-B-E-C-C-A R-O-B-E-R-T-S has sworn to take down typhoon-girl for the sake of us all; pleasure to have you on the show, becky" "yeah, i'm sure" "next up: a segment with canada's own princess michelle on how to make the world's best pinot noir" "wait did i say pinot noir? i meant pinot grigio" Michelle begins to sweat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 106: True Calling [Typhoon-Girl]
"hey typhoon-girl-" "please just call me gail; i'm tired of the superhero names" "okay uh 'gail' how's working for wynne going" "it's pleasant" "really?" "yeah, she mostly just has me inspect windmills" "i didn't know you were a licensed inspector" "well first she had me take the license tests; before, i didn't know a windmill from a really big oscillating fan, but the classes were very thorough" "i'll bet" "best of all, wynne treats me like an actual person and not just a fashion manequin" "people do seem to have a lot to say about your jacket" "it's very tiring; tell it to me straight jakey: do you have any strong feelings about my jacket" "not really; i wouldn't wear it myself due to not having a preference for pink, but i could understand why someone with the aforementioned preference for pink would want to wear such a jacket" "THANK YOU; that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my jacket" "trust me, i remember back in high school, everyone hated my abnormal checkerèd pants but i insisted on wearing them every chance i could" "really? checkerèd pants?" "that's it; i'm buying another pair or ten" "i approve; wear what your soul tells you to wear, even if it is weird" "um thanks" Michelle walks in, wearing plaid and polka dots. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 107: Teeth Ground to Nubs [River-Girl]
"my GOD i cannot STAND that typhoon-girl" "is everything okay, beck?" "yes i-what the fuck are you wearing" "a jacket over a t-shirt with the logo of a band i like, as is my custom" "not on your torso, your LEGS" "oh, these are my new checkerèd pants, just like the ones i had in high school" "i really wish i had fire powers right now so i could burn those" "you're just jealous" "that is not it" "yes it is; of me, of gail-" "g-GAIL?! you're on a first-name basis with that horrible woman?!" "yeah she's really nice if you're not constantly bitching at her about her pink jacket" "whose side are you on?!" "i make it a policy to stay neutral for as long as i can until eventually i am forced to choose a side" "you're despicable" "so they tell me" "and that typhoon-girl is just living the high life; wearing that stupid jacket and having normal-colour hair" "i can imagine you'd be upset about that" "i've had to deal with this bright blue mess for years now; i want normal hair" "you should swear fealty to the water demoness, gremory" "ew no; i'd maybe consider a cool demoness like lilith but gremory? never" "your loss" Michelle climbs up out of River-Girl's sink. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Typhoon-Girl missions]

Mission 108: Worth the Weight [Claire Who Is a Ghost]
"hey uh claire? why are you floating face-down" "my weight distribution is off and it's really hard to get back upright at the moment" "oh" "it's fine though; i'll work hard and eventually be upright again" "you can't just like lean back" "hmm" Claire puts all of her ghostly force into leaning backward, and floats straight upward for a split second, then topples backward and flips entirely around to be face-down again. "it's a work in progress" "you'll get it eventually" Michelle walks in, standing upright. "show-off" "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 109: The Greatest Land in All the Land [The Great Cheryl]
"nice mountain" "thanks i know i worked hard on it" "so how long will the great cheryl land take to build" "lol, lmao even" The Great Cheryl flips a tarp off of a completed theme park. "right, magic" "it's open and ready for-oh god what now" "THIS BUILDING PROJECT IS ILLEGITIMATE!!!" "who is that loon" "that's candice marie plumbridge, the most famous construction lady, descendant of the woman who invented the house much to the chagrin of those in the cave market" "that family is always causing trouble i take it" "pretty much" "all right cadence what do you want" "i want this place torn down and built with proper building techniques, not magic" "that would take years" "anything worth existing takes time to come into existence" "yeah no" The Great Cheryl flicks her wrist, expecting Candice to fly off into the distance, but Candice remains firm. "i am wearing the finest anti-magic garments money can buy; i came prepared for a months-long protest; did you?" The Great Cheryl takes out a knife and cuts off Candice's clothes. "oh nuts" Candice is flung into the wild blue yonder. She soon returns, still in her underwear, aboard Trixie's magical uber service. "hold on a second let me get back into position" "listen, colleen, i need you to realise something here: i have been nice so far" "flinging me off a mountain is nice?" "i also cast a spell that would result in you not dying horribly upon impact with the ground because i'm a nice person, but if you continue on your current trajectory, i will use that knife very differently than the first time" "i refuse to compromise my principles due to fear for my own safety" "cute" The Great Cheryl casts a spell on her knife and hucks it at Candice's feet, sealing her in a magical box. "will she be okay in there" "yeah probably; she can get out anytime she wants if she signs a magically-binding contract that disallows her from ever ascending this mountain again and from ever speaking of the great cheryl land, its owner, or its corporate sponsors, or using any products derived from those sources" "she's going to starve to death in there" "it will be entirely of her own volition" Michelle enters a magical box and emerges from the one Candice was sealed in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 110: Interdimensionality [The Great Cheryl]
"how's the park coming, the great cheryl" "as you can see, there are no lines anywhere in the park" "so you're not doing well?" The Great Cheryl lets out a sharp laugh. "using my magic, i have eliminated the need for lines; the rides are running in multiple parallel universes at a time, allowing everyone to ride at once; i have chefs in pocket dimensions making food around the clock; i have souvenirs being pumped into the stands direct from the factory with a series of portals" "so you've solved all of the classic theme park issues?" "all except the high prices for everything, which go straight into my bank vault via a series of portals" "so you're basically about to run everyone else out of business" "it was so simple; they just lacked the foresight to hire a wizard" Michelle exits the teacups from a parallel universe. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 111: Watered Down [Lilith]
"so lilith what are you up to now that your army is squared away" "i need a navy now; my water border is completely undefended" "to be fair, not many people would sail around hell with its mighty navy" "i'm not relying on hell to defend my country; hell's navy is exactly what i'm worried about attacking" "fair" "i need something other than goblins to man my ships though; they simply have no sealegs" "where did you get ships" "the ship store obviously; the guy with the gum gave me a great deal" "naturally" "so now i need to find a naval commander and some kind of army that can navigate the seas without falling overboard all the time; i lost twenty goblins when they fell overboard at the dock" "they're probably just hanging out at the bottom of the sea" "if you'd like to recover them, be my guest, but i have bigger problems; nice checkerèd pants by the way" "thanks" Jakey mounts the crane at the dock and begins picking up goblins, but most of them fall off of the hook prematurely. Meanwhile, Echidna returns from her vacation. "aloha i'm back" "oh, hello echidna" "so i hear you've sceded from hell" "yeah, we're gomorrah now, it's kind of a big deal" "i'll bet; i would like to join your country" "why" "all the other demonesses are in hell, which would make it hard to get a promotion, but in gomorrah, you have no choice but to make me second-in-command" "you'll be head of the navy" "deal" As Jakey fishes out his twenty-first goblin, he realises it is actually Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 112: Putting on Airs [Lilith]
"so lilith, you have an army and a navy, is the air force next?" "..." "..." "no, i was content until you brought that up" "sorry" "no no it's fine; better to be slightly upset now than wiped out by fighter jets later" "well you definitely don't want a demoness heading up the air force; she and echidna could team up to depose you" "right; what i need is a toady; someone who will do whatever i say" "goblins are pretty subservient" "i would never trust a goblin to fly a plane; we'd have daily 9/11s" "i can see how that would get old after a while" "maybe i could get a dark elf to do it if i promise to declare war on the regular elves" "you'd be a national hero in the twilit forest" "and then i could rename the mystic forest to the gomorran forest for free advertising and use it to house all my excess goblins" "and get them out of my crawlspace" "no those ones are fine where they are" "of course" Michelle exits Lilith's crawlspace. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 113: Permission to Land [Julia]
"hey julia how-" "do you have a permit for those abnormal checkerèd pants?" "yes, i made sure to get one" "okay fine i'll allow it" "so how's the park been doing lately" "well i finally got a permit-printing permit AND a corruption permit, so i've been printing myself permit after permit so i can act with impugnity" "that explains why birds and goblins keep bouncing off an invisible barrier" "i'm so happy that i don't have to deal with those damn birds any more" "i'll bet" "now if you'll excuse me, i am going to print a permit for relieving you of those abnormal checkerèd pants" "you're just jealous" "that is not it in the slightest" "hey look over there; someone is drinking from the fountain without a permit" Julia turns and shoots the permitless offender. "i didn't know you could do that" "i printed myself a 'shooting permitless fountain-drinkers' permit" "quick question: do you have a 'going mad with power' permit" "uh-" Julia is flung into one of her own cages by her automated system. "i knew i forgot something" "could happen to anyone" "listen, i've got a permit-transfer permit so i'm going to transfer the permit-printing permit to you so you can print me a going mad with power permit" Julia hands over the permit, and is released from the cage. "oh wow since i lost my power, i am no longer mad with it, so i'm free" "nice" "could you please transfer the permit back to me" "i don't have a permit-transfer permit" "then print one" "meh" "MEH?!" "i don't want to" "oh you will regret this" "i don't have a regretting permit" Michelle uses her permit-transfer permit to give Jakey her regretting permit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 114: Whether or Not the Weather Is Fine [Wynne]
"what are you up to wynne" "i'm deciding the amount of wind each region will get tomorrow" "do you do that every day" "sometimes i let it happen automatically, but some days, i just like to give it a personal touch" "so who's getting what" "well you've been very helpful, so i'm sending your native canada a nice breeze" "cool" "but mojavistan's been pretty stagnant for a while so i'm sending over a few tornadoes to liven things up" "i'm sure they'll love that" "i know i would" "what's goo zealand getting" "my absolute favourite weather variety: high-speed winds that blow straight downward" "i've never experienced that before" "i reserve it for the slimes; it's hilarious how they splatter all around" "i'll bet" "i'm also going to have galeforce winds that knock down dozens of trees in the mystic forest, to get my approval rating up with all the other races that hate regular elves" "a sound strategy" "finally, hell and gomorrah will both get no wind at all; the queens of those nations hate the cooling effect" "that's fair" Michelle walks in and begins to blow air into Jakey's face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 115: By the Case [Typhoon-Girl]
"hey gail is that a case of pink jackets" "yes, i have decided to send my biggest critic one pink jacket each and every day" "won't she know it's you by the return address" "i am mailing them from different p.o. boxes across the world, all rented to a different name; the packages themselves are differently-shaped and sized and weighted so she'll never know what's a pink jacket and what's a crockpot she ordered off the home shopping channel while eating ice cream at 4AM while crying about the psychological torture of opening packages of pink jackets every day" "that's oddly specific" "i've got it all figured out, down to the detail" "isn't it expensive to order this many jackets and ship them" "i get a 'petty revenge' stipend each week as part of my job; i guess it's a perk of working for a demoness" "must be nice; my petty revenge has to come out of my own pocket" "you should become evil then; it's pretty nice all things considered" "i tried it but i'm disqualified from ever being evil again after i killed the queen of hell" "that'll do it" Gail receives a package from the post lady as she ships hers out. Inside it is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 116: Boxed In [Candice]
"jakey do me a favour please and bust me out of this box" "even if i wanted to, it's a magickal box" "with a K even?! aw man" "the best i can do is mail you somewhere else" "so either i sign this contract or i die in here" "pretty much yeah" "well luckily i wrote a will; i left you something jakey" "really?" "yeah, i left you my special sedimentary lego bricks" "but those were the only things that kept you sane while you were arrested for uh whatever it is that you got arrested for; i don't really remember" "i know, and i want you to have them" "oh i-" "well, i want ME to have them, but i'm going to die and dead people can't HAVE, so you're my second choice" "you'll probably become some form of undead i imagine" "and still be trapped inside this box" "well i can imagine a demoness busting you out and making you build subpar buildings" "..." "..." "do you really think that will happen" "yes, the demonesses love subpar construction AND making undead people do things they absolutely despise" "fine i'll sign the stupid contract" Candice scribbles her name on the contract and is let out of the box, and flung away from the mountain. "everything is terrible" "i've been saying that for years" Michelle also scribbles her name on Candice's contract, gaining herself royalties due to a loophole in the contract's wording. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 117: A Legal Nightmare [Candice]
"jakey this is bullshit" "what is" "remember that contract i signed?" "yeah" "i can't mention [NAME REDACTED]'s corporate sponsors or use their products" "and one of the sponsors has a product you use all the time" "how am i going to survive without my [NAME REDACTED] energy supplements?! i am addicted to that sweet taurine taste" "find a different brand" "there is no brand that compares to [NAME REDACTED]!!!" "have you ever tried a different brand" "no but-" "come on then, try a crimson bovine energy drink" "THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!!! [NAME REDACTED]!!!" "okay okay let's go to the store and buy several different types" Jakey and Candice do just that. "okay, this is 'famous musician'" Candice takes a sip and almost throws up. "awful" "okay how about 'wide-open accelerator'" Candice takes a sip and wretches slightly. "not as bad as the last one" "okay next up is 'plastic explosive'" Candice takes a sip and sighs. "this will do i suppose" "we've got five more" "i have found one that doesn't repulse me; i will accept it and move on" "fair enough" Michelle exits the store drinking a Crimson Bovine energy drink, causing Candice to bawl uncontrollably. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 118: A Prank Too Far [Echidna]
"hello, miss echidna? my name is jezzie, former queen of hell" "yes, i am generally aware of who you are; you murdered me that one time i won the hellection" "yes, and i came to apologise for that" "it was a long time ago; i'm over it" "really?" "yeah, i'll win again someday" "perhaps you will, but that was only my first apology to you today" "oh? did you step on my foot or something?" "no, thankfully; i would like to apologise to you for the lie i told you millions of years ago" "it was pretty funny how you convinced me that humans eat rocks" "yes, but i was talking about how i tricked you into believing that snakes were a foundational element of the universe" "what." "you're not the snake demoness, you're the poison demoness" "0/10 try harder next time" "i know you've believed this for millions of years, but think about it: no other animals are foundational elements of the universe" "that's because snakes are the alpha animal; the king of the jungle" "that's lions" "no, it's obviously snakes" "have you ever wondered why no one agrees with you on this?" "it's because they are jealous" "no, it's because you are wrong" "i'll bump you up to 1/10 but that's the best i can do" "i tried; enjoy being wrong" "same to you" Michelle slithers up, riding a snake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 119: To the Place I Belong [Jezzie]
"okay jakey i've put this one off long enough; it may not be my last apology, but it is the big one" "unimportant?" "yeah" "okay let's go" "thank you for allowing me to use you as a human shield jakey" "wait what-" Jakey and Jezzie are teleported to Unimportant. "hey unimportant remember that much worse thing i did? i'm going to apologise for it now" "finally" "i was the one who created the frowny stack" "what." "i'm sorry" "the frowny stack? THE frowny stack? the one that ruined my life? that drove me into depression for years and years? the one where the sheer shock of seeing it and its evil turned my hair stark white and pin straight, and caused my eyes to bleed? THAT frowny stack?" "to be fair, i wasn't aiming for you" "what" "i was aiming for a musician, but a time traveller warned her about the frowny stack and it had to go to someone, and it ended up with you" Years of trauma returns to Unimportant all in an instant. "i deeply apologise; i have sworn off evil and will be doing good from now on; i even made a list of people i've wronged like that guy on tv with the moustache" Unimportant grabs her long-unused gun from its case and takes dead aim at Jezzie. "all those years ago, i wanted to shoot the earth off of its rotation so the world could never experience such evil again; but now, i can accomplish that in a different way" "if that is your wish, i accept it" Unimportant fires her gun over and over, plugging Jezzie full of holes. Without having done any evil this incarnation, Jezzie does not have her evil shield. She slumps to the floor, dead once again. "is it over? is she dead?!" "well uh, no and also yes" "huh?" "demonesses automatically revive two years after they're killed" "WHAT WHY" "it's just the way the world works" "i'll simply have to kill her again two years from now" "huh?" "i have a life's mission now" "but she was repenting for her misdeeds" "you can't repent for something so evil" "what happens when you die then?" "i never thought of that" "see-" "my horoscope did, though" Unimportant lifts up a gigantic book. "my horoscope yesterday told me to find the long-lost necronomicon; i had no idea why until just now; i am going to stop this, forever" "um please give me the QRD" "i will bind jezzie's soul to my body, then kill myself; since she was bound to my body, she cannot then reincarnate; it will be over" "and so are you, you loon" "please, allow me to do this" "no, this is stupid" "do not try and stop me" Unimportant casts a spell to magically shield herself and Jezzie's body so that Jakey cannot get up to his usual bullshit. "goodbye, jakey" Jakey has one of those dramatic flashback sequences in his head, and remembers what Jezzie gave him when she came back. Jakey pulls out the magical trinket containing the last of Jezzie's evil, and breaks it open. The outpouring of terrible evil coalesces into a Frowny Stack. Unimportant doesn't notice, as she is casting her spell. "UNIMPORTANT WAIT; one last smiley stack before you go?" "..." "..." "okay, one last-" Unimportant gazes in horror at the Frowny Stack in Jakey's hands. The barrier is broken, and Jezzie's body is healed by the outpouring of evil from the Frowny Stack, causing her soul to return to her body. Unimportant's eyes begin to bleed. Jezzie leaps up and bottles up her remaining evil one more time, destroying the Frowny Stack, but not its memory. "you saved me" "i usually feel better when i save lives" "well you usually don't use untold evil power to do it" "do you know what would have happened if i'd have let unimportant sacrifice herself heroically" "she would have been made an angel and i would have ceased to exist" "really?" "but the necronomicon's power would have corrupted her angelic form, making her an evil angel that would conquer the world" "seriously?!" "yeah, i read it in my horoscope this morning" "well i still feel bad about unimportant having to relive her childhood trauma" "she'll be fine; you know what she needs" Jezzie snaps her fingers and disappears, leaving in her place a Smiley Stack. "hey unimportant? i've got something for you" "it's beautiful" "i'm sorry for doing that to you" "yeah i heard what jezzie said; i trust her horoscope just as i would trust mine" "so it's all cool?" "it's all cool" Jakey watches as Unimportant devours her Smiley Stack, happy that he inadvertantly saved the world. Michelle nods her head from the rooftop across the street, glad to have guided her protege to his destiny. Michelle disappears into the night, never to be seen again. But sometimes in his travels, Jakey hears a faint whisper on the wind: "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'I Just Finished A Thing of Beauty and All I Got Was This Stupid' t-shirt/THE END]