A Thing of Beauty (2026)

Mission 026: Far-Reaching [Robo-Hobo]
"hello miss robeaux hobeaux; my name is jezzie, former queen of hell" "hi" "you know how you're programmed to be homeless?" "yeah" "well i've come to apologise; it was my doing" "what" "while your parts were in miss arabella's robut factory, i swapped the shipping labels; you were supposed to be a world-famous supermodel robut but instead became the robo-hobo" "that does explain why i by default feel beautiful despite being dirty and homeless" "yeah so sorry; have a quarter" Jezzie flips a quarter into the Robo-Hobo's jar, then disappears for some ice cream. "so how does this revelation affect you, robo-hobo" "less than having a whole quarter affects me; i can get TWENTY-FIVE PIECES OF PENNY CANDY!!!" Jakey shakes his head and puts a twenty into the Robo-Hobo's jar, which causes the Robo-Hobo to explode with excitement, raining shards of metal all over. "UM I CAN FIX THIS" The Robo-Hobo instantly reassembles. "sorry about that, rather than fix that bug, my programmer decided it was easier to make me self-repair" "all's well that ends well i suppose" Michelle walks in and puts a fifty in the Robo-Hobo's jar, causing it to explode with excitement again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Arabella missions]

Mission 027: Lawyer to the End [Natalie]
"natalie? are you getting arrested or is this a fetish thing" "the former" "what did you do" "the only way to get my client found not guilty was to take the guilty verdict upon myself" "i didn't know you could do that" "most lawyers will never go this far and not even present it as an option, but i am a loyal lawyer" "i'll say" "so my trial is tomorrow, and i need you to unimplicate me in the crime; due to double jeopardy, my client is in the clear so we can be sure she won't be arrested for the crime she committed" "god bless this country" Jakey swaps the forged evidence for the real evidence, and sure enough, both Natalie and Michelle are free women. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 028: Hobbies [King Bran]
"you know, back in the old days, people used to bring king brans their babies whenever there was an ownership dispute, then the king of the time would saw the baby in half so they'd both get half of what they wanted; this was one of our proudest traditions, but during my term as king, no one's ever brought me a baby to saw in half!!! it's absolutely disgraceful" "would you like me to kidnap a baby and have you saw it in half" "no, it wouldn't be the same; i can't just saw any baby in half, it has to be a genuine crisis" "well i hope someone comes to you with a baby soon" Michelle walks in with a birthday cake she needs cut in half, as two separate people are claiming it to be their respective birthdays at the same time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 029: Intra-Queen Diplomacy [Eleatrice]
Jakey enters The Wicked Chateau, where Eleatrice is taking cover behind a waist-high sandbag wall. "uh what's up" "jezzie has been spotted on the premises" "maybe she just wants to say hi" "i'm not falling for that one again" "again?" "1815; i'd rather not talk any more about it" "fair enough" Jezzie enters The Wicked Chateau, noticing the waist-high sandbag walls strewn throughout. "nice preparation; you learned your lesson after 1815" Eleatrice does not respond. "i have actually come to apologise for 1815, not to reconquer hell" "i don't believe you" "that's fair; in your position, i'd have a hard time believing me as well" "please leave peacefully and i won't be forced to have my security detail respond" "would that be this little ghost over here" "perhaps, perhaps not" "all right, fair enough; sorry again for 1815, i hope your second reign as queen of hell is prosperous" Jezzie leaves to get some ice cream. "that went well" "very surprising" Michelle walks in with an 1815 apology cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 030: Vintage Memories [Eleatrice]
"what's up elly" "elly? really?" "as fellow royalty, we must have grown close enough for nicknames; i mean, i've never once called jezzie by her full name, 'jezebel'" "fair enough, i guess" "so what's up" "i was going through the wine cellar, and someone broke in" "really? who could break into the wicked chateau" "jezzie" "for what purpose? i assumed if she'd break in, she'd have slaughtered everyone inside to reclaim her spot as queen of hell" "she stocked the wine cellar with 1814 vintage wines" "oh, the last time you were elected queen of hell" "i was going to crack these open on the first anniversary of my victory in the hellection, but jezzie killed me before i had the chance" "hate it when that happens" "well, no time like the present; the 212th anniversary of my 1814 victory" Eleatrice cracks open a wine, causing smog to pour out, and begins to drink. "how is it" "nothing quite like those industrial-era wines; the smog really gives it the kick it needs" Eleatrice passes Jakey the bottle, and Jakey passes out from the smoggy fumes. "lightweight" Jakey later wakes up in The Wicked Chateau's guest room, being hovered over by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 031: Role Reversal [Wynne]
"so jakey, jezzie told me that you are the one to talk to regarding the current state of hell" "oh, i suppose so; this is very unusual, because usually i am the one out of the loop on politics" "yeah it surprised me as well; give me the QRD" "two years ago, i killed jezzie" "how'd you manage that one" "i stabbed her over and over until she became primarily composed of stab wounds" "nice" "so then there was the hellection; gremory came in last and got banished to the forbidden cluster" "glad i never ran into her; she's awful" "agreed; regardless, eleatrice won the hellection and became queen of hell" "really? eleatrice? never would have guessed" "the world values electricity more today than it did 300 years ago" "really? i assumed the next big thing would be wind" "i can see why you'd think that" "so what's eleatrice's reign been like" "well lilith was unhappy about losing the hellection, so she sceded from the union and created the nation of gomorrah" "i bet eleatrice didn't take kindly to that" "she did" "what" "her reasoning was that it was more evil to let lilith's society collapse without any infrastructure than to just kill her and take it back" "makes sense; so did it fail" "no, because i accidentally ensured it would succeed by freeing the goblins who had been trapped inside a volcano, and she used them as cheap labour; half as efficient for half the price" "so now hell is still split into two" "yeah i expected a war by now" "probably wasn't a good idea to stage a civil war with jezzie coming back" "yeah but now jezzie's all peaceful so i expect it to boil over soon" "that could be just what she's waiting for" "could be" "well, with all this new information, i'd probably better decide where to build my new house because my old one is now a starbucks" "you could always take control of the starbucks and then have your own legion of coffee-salemen at your command" "that's certainly an option" Michelle walks up and hands Wynne her Starbucks coffee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Lilith missions]

Mission 032: A Dwelling Fit for a Queen [Wynne]
"jakey good there you are; check out my new house" "we're on top of a skyscraper" "yes, a wondrous invention; now i can be even closer to my beloved wind" "i didn't know you could legally build a house on top of another building" "it took a few bribes, sure, but anything is possible here in hell" "fair enough" "i've even got my own little windmill and everything" "so what's this made out of? igneous concrete? sedimentary basalt? poplar?" "those aren't real things" "that's not what i've heard" "i don't know, maybe you humans build with weird shit like that, but i just had the metal demoness, irona, reform the metal of the building to make this house" "metal demoness? never heard of her" "during jezzie's reigns, the other demonesses tend to stay out of the limelight, and during a hellection, the demonesses not running also tend to stay in the background" "so you're saying now that the hellection is over and jezzie has come back and decided not to take over again, other demonesses will be coming out of the woodwork" "exactly" "fair enough i suppose; makes more sense than all those weird new forests appearing out of nowhere" "your family never was good at geography" Michelle walks out of Wynne's house, eating Wynne's ice cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Irona missions]

Mission 033: One for the Money [Octavia]
"so what's up octavia" "i've got a money match today; i'm boxing against a demoness" "oh which one" "gravella, the demoness of gravity" "that doesn't sound like a winnable fight" "seriously? you doubt me? i'm the orcweight champion" "octavia you fail to see the gravity of the situation" "oh haw haw, very funny; go ahead and place your bets on gravella then, you seem to like throwing money away" "you know, i believe i shall" Jakey places his bets on Gravella as Octavia climbs into the ring. The bell dings, and Gravella increases gravity around Octavia so she can't move or lift her arms. Gravella then grandstands and knocks down Octavia with a single gravity-based punch, from which she cannot get up due to the increased gravity. The bell dings, and Jakey collects his winnings from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions]

Mission 034: Two for the Show [Octavia]
"have you been humbled yet octavia" "fat chance; i've got another money match against a demoness today" "which one" "timera, the demoness of time" "your funeral" "thank you for your support; you're a great friend" "i'll be sure to support you when i have to call the ambulance" Jakey places his bets on Timera as Octavia climbs into the ring. The bell dings, and Timera stops time. Timera then unleashes punch after punch onto Octavia, so when she resumes time, Octavia has incurred massive damage and falls. The bell dings, and Jakey collects his winnings from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Timera missions]

Mission 035: Third Time's the Charm [Octavia]
"have you been humbled yet octavia" "yes, i am done fighting demonesses" "i'm glad" "who would have ever thought that immortal beings that control the very elements would be so strong" "most people" "regardless, i've decided that these exhibition matches against demonesses have to stop so i am merely going to watch this next one" "who's fighting" "odilia is taking on colouria, the demoness of colour" "hmm" "i'm betting the farm on the demoness" "i'm not convinced" "seriously? after all the shit you gave me?" "you were facing the demonesses of gravity and time; what's the demoness of colour going to do" Octavia places her bets on Colouria as Odilia climbs into the ring. The bell dings, and Colouria changes Odilia's skin to a dark brown colour. Odilia is so embarrassed that she flees the ring, not wanting anyone to see her with such an ugly skin tone. As she exits, her skin returns to its natural green and the bell dings. Octavia then collects her winnings from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Odilia missions/Colouria missions]

Mission 036: Inspiration for Collaboration [Nilla Waphyr]
"hey oslynn how's the business going" "oh it's great; djing is so easy because everything inspires a song or a remix" "such as" "well recently jezzie apologised to me for spawning a cute doggy at just the right moment so i'd be distracted and accidentally slam my hand in a car door and we got to talking and threw together an entire album in one afternoon" "you forgave her, i presume?" "yeah i mean sure slamming my hand in the car door hurt but really it was worth it to see the cute doggy; remember that i am an orc and instead of breaking my fingers it merely hurt really bad and severely dented the car door" "makes sense" "did you know that the reason dogs are cute is because jezzie wanted people to be more likely to let down their guard and be eaten by wolves?" "i was unaware" "that's also why she hired kevin costner to make that movie so people would try and dance with wolves and get mauled by them" "i'm really glad that she's not in charge of being evil any more" "same; this fat LP is too good to be purely hypothetical" Michelle enters the room and throws down her own fat LP she recorded with Jezzie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 037: Bagged and Tagged [Nilla Waphyr]
"hey oslynn how's the business going" "oh it's awful; djing is so hard because the record label keeps demanding i remix the most boring uninspired insipid pop music" "i didn't know you'd signed to a record label" "i haven't but they keep demanding this of me regardless" "so there's no consequence for not doing it" "but they annouce the remixes ahead of time so my reputation would suffer if i don't do it" "that sounds sketchy; you should consult with a lawyer" "orcs don't have lawyers" "how do you resolve disputes then" "violence" "well then you should consult an axe and go to town on the record executives" "you know what? i believe i shall; i may even round up a posse" "that's the spirit" Michelle comes in and returns Oslynn's axe, having used it to cut her sandwich. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 038: The Final Solution [Jezzie]
"jakey the next apology i have to make is an absolute doozy" "is it the frowny stack?" "uh no not yet" "then who are you apologising to" "emelyn, the former maid to the king of alabama" "is this about her sister contracting timinchinitis" "i had nothing to do with that; that was genetics" "oh, fair enough" "come back me up; she's a wight now and she might try and take vengeance on me" "okay" Jezzie knocks on the door, and Emelyn answers. "have you taken over hell again" "no, i've actually come to apologise" "for what" "do you remember how your life spiraled out of control when your boss bought all those cases of the power clean dishwashing solution" "yeah" "i sold those to him" "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU" Jezzie slams the door and teleports away for ice cream. Emelyn bashes through the door and tackles the nearest humanoid shape, which is Jakey. "oh sorry my bad i thought you were someone else; someone i wanted to fucking murder" "i get that a lot" Michelle bashes through the door and tackles the nearest humanoid shape, which is Emelyn. "oh sorry my bad i thought you were someone else; some i wanted to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions/King Bran missions/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 039: Unknown Territory [Arabella]
"hello miss arabella; my name is jezzie, former queen of hell" "oh hello" "i am here to apologise for the wrongdoing of my past that affected you deeply" "oh?" "i was the one who orchestrated the accident that killed your daughter" "huh? i don't have a daughter" "yeah because she's dead" "i never had a daughter; i'm pretty sure i'd remember that" "hayden hughes?" "never heard of her" "would you like me to un-repress the memory, or would you like to continue living a lie" "please leave" "fair enough i suppose" Jezzie teleports off for ice cream. "the nerve of that woman; either making up stories to make me sad or trying to dredge up a long-repressed memory that i have smothered intentionally to avoid feeling a pain i long left buried; how rude" Jakey decides not to touch this with a ten-foot pole, and turns to Michelle to listen to what she has to say. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Hayden missions]

Mission 040: Outwitted [Eleatrice]
"hey elly what's going on" "i am tabulating the votes on the newest law i wanted to enact" "i didn't know the citizens of hell got to vote on policy" "yeah i like to throw them a bone now and then; last time, i had them vote then intentionally did the opposite of what they voted for" "yeah that sounds like a normal election" "then i leaked the results and how i did the opposite of what the people vote for so this time they all voted for the opposite of what they wanted, and this time, i will go along with what the citizens voted for" "what if they saw that coming and intentionally voted for the opposite of the opposite of what they want" "to be fair, i don't actually look at the votes; i just do what i want and assume the votes line up a certain way; i just like to trick the voters into overthinking their votes and fretting about something they really have no control over" "again, that sounds like a normal election" Michelle walks in, holding the ballot box. "i have tabulated the votes jakey; the public wants you to take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 041: A Taste of Power [Eleatrice]
"oh hey jakey i was just counting up my tax money" "what kinds of taxes have you been collecting" "well this here is the taxi tax, which is taxes collected from taxi drivers" "makes sense" "and this here is the taxi taking tax, which is taxes collected from taxi riders" "okay" "and this is the taxi taxing tax, which is taxes collected from tax collectors who collect taxes from taxi drivers" "um" "and this here is the taxi taking taxing tax, which is taxes collected from tax collectors who collect taxes from taxi riders" "is there a taxi tax taxing tax" "no but it's in the pipeline; strangely enough the bill for the taxi tax tax taxing tax passed before the bill for the taxi tax taxing tax" "very strange indeed" "hey when you take your sister home, does that count as a taxi service" "i looked it up, and the taxi tax and its subsequent tax taxes only apply if i make money for it" "and do you" "no" Michelle walks up and passes Jakey a crisp fiver. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 042: A Proud Society [Lilith]
"hey lilith anything exciting going down on this friday" "oh did you not get the memo? i changed the names of all the days, today is now toosday" "i'm sure that won't be confusing at all" "that's the point; i also swapped the functions of all the days so today is everyone's day off" "okay what are the days and their functions so i don't make a fool of myself in the future" "today is toosday, everyone's day off; tomorrow is fureiday, the start of the work week, which is followed by wynnseday, the end of the work week" "everyone only works two days a week?" "weeks are only three days now" "hmm" "a month is now comprised of thirty weeks, and a year is now four months" "where do the extra five days go" "i turn off the country for the last five days of the year" "you what now" "i just turn it off; we have no power, no laws, and no entry; go somewhere else or just sleep for five days" "okay then; what are your months called" "we are currently near the end of the third month, sypptymber, which is followed, of course, by dyssymber" "okay" "the first month of the year is jeinnymber, followed by ougymber" "an interesting system" "a far more efficient system; soon, the whole world will adopt our calendar" "i doubt it; people are really attached to their current birthdays" "come on, really? you were born june 11th, right? it's easy to get to your birthday, which is now ougymber 72nd" "it doesn't roll off the tongue as well" "only because you haven't been conditioned to the lilt of our date system; give it time" "fine, i'll try" Michelle walks up and holds up a calendar. "why didn't you tell me it was toosday already? i thought it was fureiday so i showed up to work!!! i've got a lot of relaxing to catch up on; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 043: Working for the Weekend [Lilith]
"hey lilith anything exciting going down on this fureiday" "oh, lots; the goblins like to work extra hard on fureiday so they can slack off a bit on wynnseday" "and you let them?" "all i care about is meeting our weekly quota" "quota of what, exactly?" "quota of backbreaking labour accomplished" "but what is the objective of this labour" "to wear out and demean the goblins obviously" "fair enough i guess" "last week, i had them punching boulders" "did anything come out of it" "a lot of broken hands" "i'll bet" Just then, the demoness Wynne enters the Sinful Manse. "oh hey wynne i heard you got out" "and i heard that you named an entire day after me!!!" "huh?" "wynnseday?" "ohhhh yeah that was a coincidence, but i will allow you to continue claiming it was named after you if you give me ten bucks every wynnseday" "deal" "come, let us set up auto-withdrawal from your bank account" "can you do that? technology these days is amazing" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey ten bucks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 044: Talking Shop [Irona]
"is this the home of the metal demoness, irona?" "oh jakey come in; i was just talking to this construction lady" "tell me more about magnesium-coated bismuth support beams" "it's what i used to build my house, and it hasn't fallen even once" "wow" Just then, the house collapses after Michelle went up to the roof to retrieve her frisbee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 045: Broken Home [Irona]
"jakey your sister just destroyed my house and cost me the sale of these magnesium-coated bismuth support beams" "well it seems like they didn't support very well if they can't handle the weight of one big titty girl" "yeah? i know that but that doesn't mean i wanted candice to know that" "see, when i go to see candice in a dozen missions or so, the first thing she'll say is 'thank you for destroying that demoness's house jakey'" "yes, from her perspective, you saved her a lot of money in the short- and long-term, due to not having to be sued for having her buildings all fall down" "but from your perspective, my sister is a menace" "do you disagree?" "no, but that's just part of her charm" "regardless, i need a new house" "well, you've got a lot of magnesium-coated bismuth support beams left" "oh no, i know how this will go: i'll build a new house, then your sister will destroy it by falling from the sky for no apparent reason" "then just buy one" "with what money?" "you're the demoness of metal, can't you create infinite silver dollar coins?" "..." Irona does just that. "you're a genius; now i'll have enough silver dollars to buy that mansion in alabama hills, with enough left over to peg at cars" "that's the spirit" Michelle pops up out of the pile of coins. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 046: Invert Current Velocity [Gravella]
"hello miss gravella; my name is jezzie, former queen of hell" "yeah i know" "i would like to apologise for that time i convinced you you could control velocity in addition to your control over gravity and you got run over by that car" "in retrospect, it was pretty funny" "i know right?!" "i got the last laugh anyway because i crushed that car and the driver inside into a cube" "and then you sued HIS family for millions" "and i used those millions to buy the houston oilers and move them to tennessee" "and then you gave them that ugly thumbtack logo they're still using to this day" "good times" "hey let's go get ice cream" "fuck yeah" Jezzie and Gravella warp off to get some ice cream while Jakey watches awkwardly from a distance, and Michelle watches him awkwardly from a distance. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 047: A Big Mess [Gravella]
"hey jakey you see that gravedigger girl over there" "yeah?" "she has just dug a grave and is placing a corpse inside of it" "yeah that sounds like something she'd do" "check this out" Gravella reverses gravity as soon as the corpse hits the bottom of the grave, causing it to float away. "o-OH NO!!!" "please don't be mean to valerie, she's had it rough" "i'm a demoness; my entire existence is about being mean to people who don't deserve it" Gravella collapses the dirt back into the grave, causing it to be undug. "but i'll leave it at that if it bothers you so much; i've been craving a challenge regardless" "c-COME BACK!!!" "could you put some gravity on that corpse before you go" "oh fine" Gravella sends the corpse plummetting back to earth, straight on top of Valerie. "th-thank you f-for coming back" Valerie falls unconscious, and Michelle drags the corpse off of her. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 048: A Challenge [Gravella]
"hey gravella what are you doing? it looks like you're about to pop a blood vessel" "it's this woman over here; i can't make her float or fall through the floorboards" "oh that's ressie; she can resist anything" "gravity is supposed to be the irresistable force" "and ressie just takes that as a challenge; once, she decided to resist gravity's pull and floated straight to the moon" "wouldn't she have exploded due to the lack of pressure in space" "she resisted the outward forces her body naturally projects" "wouldn't she have suffocated" "she resisted her body's need for oxygen" "so what you're saying is this woman is the demoness of resistance, not some normal human" "you know? i'm not sure; she scares me a bit" "really?" "she once resisted a man's life" "killing him?" "yes, then she resisted his death, bringing him back to life" "wha-" "then she resisted his memories, giving him amnesia, AND everyone's memory of him, including the existence of his children" "uh-" "then, a year later, she resisted his amnesia, bring his memory back to him and everyone else, and bringing his children back from nonexistence" "you're making that up" "no, i saw her do it; it was a crisp november afternoon" "uh i just remembered; i've got a thing to do so i'm just going to leave" Gravella sprints off, and Michelle sprints on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 049: A Bigger Challenge [Timera]
"hey timera what are you doing? it looks like you're about to pop a blood vessel" "it's this woman over here; i can't make her age rapidly to become old or backwards to become a baby" "oh that's ressie; she can resist anything" "time is supposed to be the irresistable force" "and ressie just takes that as a challenge; she's supposed to be 35, but she hasn't aged a day past 17" "you're pulling my leg; she's 19 at most" "i've known her for about a dozen years at this point and she's always looked like that" "so what you're saying is this woman is the demoness of resistance, not some normal human" "you know? i'm not sure; she scares me a bit" "really?" "she once resisted a man's crippling debt" "what?" "the man had spent all his money on ugly plastic figurines, and took out a loan to buy more" "why?" "i don't know, but regardless, ressie then resisted his financial debt and made the bank pay him 100,000 dollars" "how?" "i don't know; she's just scary" "what did he do with the 100,000" "well ressie then resisted his love for ugly plastic figurines, and he dumped them into the ocean and then started a business to clean the ocean and recovered the figurines and blamed it on the company that made them and got them run out of business while also making money hand over fist" "does she just not like those figurines or something?" "she resists the concept of 'preferences'" "wha-" "when she uses a computer, all of the options are completely randomised, but it looks like she's been using those settings for years" "uh-" "also she only uses a computer for the benefit of others; she can resist the need for an interface and browse the internet entirely within her own mind" "uh i just remembered; i've got a thing to do so i'm just going to leave" Timera sprints off, and Michelle sprints on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 050: Abuse of Power [Timera]
"timera what is that terrible smell" "i put a turkey in the oven about five days ago" "what why" "i knew i'd want to eat it eventually" "but now it's burnt to a crisp" "pfft watch" Timera pulls the turkey out of the oven, and reverses its timeline so that it is cooked perfectly rather than completely burnt. "why don't you just put the turkey in the oven when you want it and speed up the rate of its cooking" "i could do that, i could also take my clothes off before i get into the shower" "wha-" "but why would i care what order i do things in? my clothes get soaked, and i take them off and reverse their timeline so they're dry again; it doesn't matter" "but in both cases you have to deal with an inconvenience: with the turkey, it smells awful and could burn down the house" "my house is inflammable" "and your clothes are harder to take off when they're soaking wet" "i like the feeling of peeling them off my body" "you may be the only one" "so what's your next criticism of my technique? how i take the turkey out of the oven without mitts, then reverse time so my hands aren't burnt any more?" "that does sound painful" Michelle walks in and begins ripping off her soaking wet clothes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]