Not GoAnimate Season Four

EPISODE 026: A Meeting of the Minds
scene: Japanese Barman's house

"okay everyone let's recount the minutes from our last meeting; vice chairman huntsman"

"ahem: there were forty-five of them"

"thank you huntman; i have called you all here today to discuss a very important issue"

"which one of you used my toothbrush"

"if it had been me, it would smell like peanuts, because i brush my teeth with peanut butter"

"and i use specially-formulated toothpaste made from garlic, which also has a strong scent"

"that just leaves you, obama, and those pearly whites of yours"

"are you sure that you didn't use it yourself"

"oh, right, i do remember doing that"

EPISODE 027: A Future Pulitzer
scene: Mute and Newt Nightlight News

"our next story is about frequent guest, ron paul"

"i have to warn our viewers that this story is not for the faint of heart or the faint of heart at heart"

"down to our field reporter, standing by with ron paul"

"how do you respond to the allegations that your toothbrush was used by ron paul himself"

"i was surprised to find out that it was ron paul all along who used my toothbrush, but i suppose i can forgive him this once"

"oh, that makes sense"

EPISODE 028: The Most Important Debate
scene: Friends Bar

"now that the scars have healed over, we need to all discuss who the best waifu is in the mass effect trilogy"

"what about mass effect andromeda? it is clearly the best game in the series"

"zero out of ten, apply yourself"

"damn"

"what's there to discuss? ashley is clearly the best; she's human-first and doesn't want those illegal aliens stealing our military secrets"

"ash-who? do you mean the girl who got strapped to the bomb on virmire?"

"no, i mean that heroic woman who earned a medal after killing the vile krogan who dared to pull a gun on his commander after he took the big dumb lizard in"

"moving on before i have an aneurysm"

"the best girl is clearly tali'zorrah vas normandy"

"who? do you mean the space gypsy who jumped off a cliff after her mentally-disabled race suicided on the geth?"

EPISODE 029: My Name Is Commander Shepard, and This Is My Favorite Episode of the Season
scene: Friends Bar

"can we all agree that the saddest moment in the series is when mordin died"

"oh for sure"

"fake news, that scene never happened; mordin backed down and left to count seashells"

"the saddest scene was thane's death, even if it was tainted by the existence of an edgy weeaboo assassin"

"okay, yeah, that was pretty sad"

"since you're a hot takes expert, trump, what did you think of the ending of mass effect 3"

"i never finished it"

"when the game railroaded me into killing the hero, the illusive man, who was simply doing what was best for humanity, i turned the game off in disgust"

"that course of action was so stupid that it looped right around into being the smartest thing anyone's ever done; i am envious of you, trump"

"you and seven billion others"

EPISODE 030: An Inspirational Speech from the Ghost of Rick Santorum
scene: the podium

"as you all must know, i died five years ago"

"however, in spite of my best efforts, i have been unable to rest"

"not because of my brutal murder at the hands of the clinton family that was disguised as a natural death"

"as an aside, i was unaware that 'natural causes' included a slit throat"

"but the reason for my unrest from beyond the grave is a clear societal issue; one that i hoped we would all be past as a nation, if not a planet"

"i am a woodchuck, and in my lifetime, woodchuck slander fell to a record low due to my tireless education programs"

"but with my death, these programs fell to the wayside, and woodchuck ignorance has risen to its highest point since the time of cavemen"

"is it really so hard to remember that woodchucks can chuck wood? we are in fact experts at it, and have been named as a species for our woodchucking prowess"

"i am disappointed in all of you, for forgetting the wonders my species has wrought"

"and i cannot be laid to rest until every single one of you admits the truth: woodchucks CAN chuck wood"

EPISODE 031: An Inspirational Speech from Little Caesar
scene: the podium

"pizza pizza"

EPISODE 032: An Inspirational Speech from Donald Trump
scene: the podium

"i am here today to tell all of my hardworking american voters a simple truth, free of charge"

"i am very rich, and i will share with you one tip from my best-selling novel, the art of the deal"

"you don't get to stay rich by being fleeced by fast food companies that offer such trivial things as 'better ingredients' or 'better pizza'"

"no, the trick to being wealthy is to always take the best deal, and i am here today to discuss the best deal in fast food history"

"the $4.99 hot n ready pepperoni pizza from little caesar's"

"this baby has it all: crust, sauce, cheese, AND pepperoni"

"when i discovered this deal, i thought to myself 'this little caesar guy is off his rocker, he'll go out of business in no time'"

"but no, little caesar's restaurant has stayed alive and relevant since the 50s, delivering to our american citizens the greatest pizza deal of all time"

"little caesar is making pizza great again"

"pizza pizza"

EPISODE 033: Call of the Haunted
scene: Mute and Newt Nightlight News

"our next story is about the return of a national hero"

"rick santorum, aka chuckie the woodchuck, has returned to this earth as a restless spirit; a ghost"

"coming back as a ghost is, of course, illegal in 37 states; our field reporter caught up with him"

"how do you respond to the allegations that you illegally returned to life as an unlawful poltergeist"

"they tried to cuff me, but the cuffs phased right through my wrists; the woodchuck is the ultimate lifeform, but the ghost woodchuck is clearly the ultimate deathform"

"oh that makes sense"

EPISODE 034: Food for Thought
scene: Friends Bar

"good news everyone, we've secured an alliance with a restaurant known for its submarine sandwiches"

"oh, did you finally work out that deal with subway"

"unfortunately, subway has decided to remain neutral in this conflict"

"damn fence-sitters; they make mitt romney look like a well-adjusted human being"

"so instead, we have joined forces with jersey mike"

"this is especially important after the league of democrats convinced jimmy john to be on their side"

"why am i always the last one to hear about these things"

"it was in the league of republicans newsletter we all get in the email"

"i haven't checked my email since 2003"

"you didn't forward my email to ten people?! that's why larry speed hasn't risen from the grave and saved us from this unholy nightmare we call a mortal coil"

EPISODE 035: Congratulations
scene: Friends Bar

"obama, where did you get all these iphones"

"i finally checked my email, and apparently i won about a hundred different contests to win an iphone"

"they held them for you this whole time?"

"yes, there was an entire warehouse dedicated to storing prizes i won"

"yeah yeah very nice but more importantly: did you forward that email"

"no, i deleted it; none of that chain email stuff is real, it's just a scam that people use to annoy other people, or worse, spread viruses"

"that is untrue; in 2004, bush sent me an email saying that if i forwarded it to ten people, he would be re-elected and also my computer would blow up, and both of those things happened"

"it was an expensive computer, but it was worth it to keep john kerry out of the white house"

"yeah, that guy sucks"

EPISODE 036: Just Wanna Play Videogames
scene: Japanese Barman's house

"okay, let us begin our fire emblem: the sacred stones character tier list"

"knoll in F tier"

"we just started, we haven't even done the lords yet"

"ephraim in F tier for forcibly recruiting knoll"

"what is your problem with knoll"

"i never trusted knolls, shaman or otherwise"

"maybe we should have picked fire emblem: awakening instead"

"donnel in S tier"

"oboviousoly"

EPISODE 037: A Fire Inside
scene: the old cafe

"okay, let us begin our fire emblem: three houses character tier list"

"monica in S tier"

"monica in F tier"

"monica isn't even a playable unit"

"she is playable in three hopes, where she is my main"

"three hopes is a trash fire because monica survives her kidnapping and torture by the clinton famil-i mean those who slither in the dark"

"maybe we should have picked fire emblem: the binding blade instead"

"al in S tier"

"he's not even a real character, he's from a manga"

"al wa sugoi desu"

EPISODE 038: I Wanna Rock
scene: Japanese Barman's house

"okay everybody it is time to decide once and for all: who is the greatest rock band in the history of music"

"it's clearly the beatles"

"the beatles? a british group? that's exactly what i'd expect from you, obamna; of course you put non-american music first"

"i only listen to music made in the greatest country on earth - the united states of america"

"so who do you say is the best rock band"

"the rolling stones"

EPISODE 039: A Long-Awaited Check-In
scene: Mute and Newt Nightlight News

"hello and welcome back to the show"

"after a career of slumming it as jon huntsman's understudy, america's sweetheart, travis, has made it big"

"our field reporter caught up with him at the premiere of his new broadway show"

"how do you respond to the allegations that your career was illegitimately obtained through bribery, blackmail, and murder"

"i fucked your mother"

"oh that makes sense"

EPISODE 040: Green Morning, Green Day
scene: Japanese Barman's house

"okay everybody, it's time to decide once and for all what the best green day album is"

"kerplunk"

"nimrod"

"cigarettes and valentines"

"that album never came out"

"i was so excited for the follow-up to warning that i had the CIA steal the master recordings for the new album, hoping to copy them and replace them before anyone noticed"

"was this before or after you flew that plane into the twin towers?"

"after that, but i was aiming for trump tower"

"it's a good thing you missed, because trump tower is made of rubber"

"your foolish gambit would have caused such a horrible incident that it could no longer be called 9/11; it would have to be increased to 9/12 or even 9/13"

EPISODE 041: Once Was Lost
scene: Mute and Newt Nightlight News

"today on mute and newt nightlight news, a debate on the real issues: which is the best green day album? first up: barack obama, you have the floor"

"it's clearly 21st century breakdown, a heartwrenching rock opera about two american teens failed by the system"

"remind me again: who was president when that album came out?"

"well uh-"

"regardless, we all know that the answer is kerplunk, no further explanation needed"

"that is not how a debate works"

"true, because it's not a debate; kerplunk curbstomps every other green day album so hard that even their most famous album tried to copy its successes by rerecording welcome to paradise"

"i think you are all forgetting green day's true best album: ¡uno!"

"0/10 kennedy, i wouldn't take that bait if you wrapped it in a delicious little caesar's hot and ready pizza and sold it for just $4.99"

"pizza pizza"

EPISODE 042: Another Inspirational Speech from Donald Trump
scene: the podium

"i am here today to honor a true american hero; a paisano who has sacrificed everything for his country"

"he's stomped many goombas, many koopas, and defeated bowser every time he's dared to kidnap the princess"

"everyone knows his name, for he is the moustachioed icon everyone looks up to"

"god bless you, luigi"

EPISODE 043: The Main Problem
scene: Friends Bar

"okay everyone; street fighter 6 has been out for over a month now, so spill it - what rank are you and who's your main"

"my main is ken masters, who has easily found his way back to his namesake, the master rank; ken masters is a true american hero unjustly accused of crimes he did not commit"

"and i suppose next you're going to say he was based on you?"

"i wasn't going to say that, because it's blatantly obvious to anyone with a functioning brain; ken masters is a lovingly-crafted tribute to donald trump, which is why he is top-tier in every street fighter game"

"i am maining kimberly, the most beautiful street fighter character in existence"

"0/10 huntsman; you really need to try harder"

"i, of course, main dhalsim, at least until they add back oro; how about you obama"

"i refuse to play any street fighter that doesn't have makoto"

"well i guess you're never going to play 6 then"

"or 7, or 8, or 9, [...]"

EPISODE 044: New and Innovative Ideas
scene: Japanese Barman's house

"okay we need new and innovative ideas in order to keep the republicans on top"

"we should increase the retirement age"

"what"

"people love toiling the days away in factories; why should we make them stop at 65? they could easily continue until they're 80 or 90"

"um-"

"while we're at it, we should decrease the minimum working age; after all, the small hands of children can produce work that adults' hands simply can't"

"that part is definitely true; i buy all my peanuts from countries with child labor because they can get peanuts into smaller shells than any adult"

"don't peanuts grow naturally inside the shell?"

"that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard; next you'll say that turtles grow naturally inside the shell rather than having it custom made by true american artisans"

"except for baby turtles, of course; due to current labor laws, we can't make shells that small because we lack skilled child laborer hands"

EPISODE 045: Old and Redundant Ideas
scene: the old cafe

"good news everyone; i have just had the most innovative new idea to keep we democrats on the cutting edge of politics"

"lay it on me joe"

"what if we paid for free healthcare for world war II veterans for LIFE"

"brilliant"

"it will seem like a philanthropic good deed, but in reality they are all old and about to die"

"unlike us"

"we plan to live forever"