not E3 2022

due to someone in California getting a cold, or learning that Ukraine exists for the first time ever, E3 has been cancelled
again
they'll be back next year though!!!
lol
lmao


today is Microsoft's conference, with or without E3
here is what i want and will not get
(remember that Microsoft has bought Activision, and owns Bethesda and Obsidian)

WANTS:
Forza Horizon 5 expansion (please not Hot Wheels again)
Crash Bandicoot and Spyro in some form (NO TOYS FOR BOB)
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3+4 or a new Tony Hawk game or something (Beenox, since Vicarious Visions was sacrificed to Blizzard)
Guitar Hero with a five-button controller not Guitar Hero Live 2 thanks
The Elder Scrolls VI (laughing my ass off)
Banjo-Threeie (rolling on the floor laughing)
KOTOR 3 because it was planned as a trilogy by Obsidian (and the announcement that Disney will start allowing actual Legends content instead of Disney bullshit)
EA to show up and reveal SSX 4 and it's good
Sega to show up and reveal Yakuza 8 and it's not turn-based (laugh out loud)
Capcom to show up and reveal Ace Attorney 7 even though the last game didn't make it to Xbox



REACTIONS VIA TEXT:
(pretty much all i do from this point on is bitch)

starting with a game, no preamble; i like it
some arkane game starring a "quippy" woman; i hate it
the last thing i want in an FPS is my character to never shut the fuck up and panic at everything
there's a reason why Gordon Freeman is mute
"y'all" said by a non-southerner makes me want to kill myself
californians should never be allowed to say "y'all"
i get it, you want to avoid "you guys" because "guys" is masculine somehow (except not really; more people use "guys" for "humans" than for "men")
just fucking say "you all" you fucking retards
"y'all" sound like retards when "y'all" say "y'all" with a california accent
god help the retards online who write it as "ya'll"
i'm mad if you couldn't tell

FPS with talking guns constantly spouting bad "jokes" at you
no thanks
i guess it's better than the first game but only because no one said "y'all"

league of the legends? the bathroom break is supposed to be in the middle of the show not at the start
so this next game with the girl and boy in the medieval times seems terrible (a plague tale apparently)
imagine basing a game around an escort mission
just because resident evil 4 was good doesn't mean it's a good idea

forza motorsport: it's really coming out this time, we promise
ah shit i forgot to buy doritos!!! that's why e3 is forsaking me!!!
who is this Ray Tracing guy they keep talking about
i was so hoping he wouldn't say "immersion"; we were so close to missing it
"immersion" is a meaningless buzzword

microsoft flight simulator: wright brothers edition
and halo edition too
overwatch? what's with all the bathroom breaks right in a row
hey look it's McCree
everyone's favourite overwatch character, McCree
i hate it when characters turn around and talk to the screen

ara ara history untold
WE'RE CIRCLING BACK TO THE FIRST GAME?
WHY THOUGH?
OH IT'S THAT GAME
I HATED IT LAST YEAR TOO

the elder scrolls online would be great if it weren't online and they'd actually made a game instead of a grinding simulator
fuck yeah bretons (still waiting for The Elder Scrolls VI: High Rock)
fallout 76? they're still trying to salvage that mess?
oh, the pitt is back
i'm kind of tired of "cheerful tune, bloody gory gameplay"
starfield is coming later
i wish it wasn't

horizon 5 time
please no hot wheels please no hot wheels please no hot wheels please n-
orange tracks
it's hot wheels again
FUCK
well that's $20 i don't have to spend
for fuck's sake why would you do it again
it didn't work the first time
and the first expansion is supposed to be the "normal" one
fortune island was 10/10 but nah can't reprise THAT one

dinosaurs who cares
umbelical cord ew
"hi this is our game; it's defining trait is that it's gross"
because horizon zero dawn did so well, here's microsoft's version (except with an even uglier woman)
i left to get a drink because it doesn't matter how the gameplay looks, i don't want to play flintlock because its protagonist is ugly as hell

MINECRAFT 2
MINECRAFT 2
i never played minecraft 1 because i was waiting for minecraft 2
cute pigs
dragon quest builders rips off minecraft, minecraft legends rips off dragon quest builders
pottery

who is going to play this new building game when they JUST revealed minecraft 2?
gunfire reborn: co-op first-person shooter roguelike; needs more buzzwords
the last case of benedict fox looks cool but not really something i would play
as dusk falls: no thanks
there it is, "immersional"
a story game where you have to react to what other players choose with branching narrative paths sunds cool they just made the actual story sound lame as hell

this weeb game looks cool shame it seems the single-player is tacked on (naraka bladepoint)
obsidian's new game, what is it? what do you do? it has an artstyle, but WHAT IS THE GAMEPLAY YOU FUCKING FUCKS (pentiment)
wow that prerendered diablo iv trailer looked like shit (androgynous necromancer with half of its head shaved!!! wow!!!)
i'll be honest though, open world diablo sounds kind of sweet
the gameplay actually looks good
did they just rip off FFX's sphere grid? cool (more games should use the sphere grid)

sea of thieves yawn
i really REALLY wish that there was a good single-player pirate RPG
why doesn't Bethesda make a pirate game instead of a space game

new harvest moon, narnia crossover (surprisingly light on the harvest moon part)
i hope koei tecmo's wo long doesn't play like nioh (aka like shit)

persona 3/4/5 ports are cool i suppose
i was hoping for a remake of 3 with gameplay more like 5 and a truncated tartarus but that's just a pipe dream i suppose

"one of the greatest creative minds" and it's fucking Kojima
MGS1-3 were flukes
MGS5 turned me off of the "Kojima is a genius" train
never played Death Stranding, never plan to

"we know that everyone is eager to see starfield"
i'm not
nice jacket todd
i can bitch about starfield all i'd like but we all know i'll probably end up playing it
that black guy's facial expressions are just strange
i hope starfield is like other bethesda games and i can ignore those explorer idiots
i hope i can make a ship like i do in kingdom hearts; a blob of engines and guns
space combat looks disorienting as hell
"over 1,000 planets all open for you to explore"; "see that mountain? you can climb it"


the best game of the show was either (and i never thought i'd say this) Diablo IV or Starfield
well i've never played Persona 4 so maybe that instead
pretty sad honestly
not that i expected different
not E3 grade: D