Fire Emblem: Hitting the Snooze Button and Rolling Back Over

CHAPTOUR 26
"okay, that's definitely every woman in the army" "not exactly" "who's left?" "before i tell you, picture this: a son whose righteous fury is only contained through sheer force of will; his sword hand trembling every time to contain the power held within" "okay, i'm with you so far; that sounds sick" "all you to do in order to create the most powerful son yet is impregnate your sister" "WHAT" "LISTEN this is a medieval society!!! people do it all the time!!!" "robin, i have crossed a lot of lines recently, but that is one that i do not believe i can" "oh man up you pussy"
"CRAWL BACK INTO THE HOLE YOU CAME FROM, FIENDS!!! FOR ONCE MY RIGHTEOUS BLADE FINDS YOUR SINFUL FLESH, YOU SHALL BE CAST INTO THE FIRES OF HELL!!!" "who the fuck is this guy" "I AM THE HERO WHO PROTECTS THOSE WHO CANNOT PROTECT THEMSELVES!!! I AM THE WARRIOR WHO ENACTS SUBLIME JUSTICE UPON ALL WHO WOULD PROFAIN THIS COUNTRYSIDE!!! I GO BY MANY NAMES; 'SWORDSINGER', 'LIGHTBRINGER', 'JUSTICESLINGER', 'FATEWRINGER', 'TRUTHSTINGER', AND FAR MORE!!! BUT YOU MAY CALL ME OWAIN!!! REMEMBER THIS NAME, FOR IT SHALL BE BY MY HAND THAT YOU ARE SENT TO HADES!!!" "yeah guys just ignore this idiot; keep pillaging" "I WARNED YOU, FIEND!!! MY SWORD HAND TWITCHES WITH ANTICIPATION!!!" Owain attempts to draw his sword, but his hand does not cooperate. "AH, SWORD HAND!!! WHY MUST YOU FAIL TO COOPERATE!!!" As Owain stares at his sword hand, the Shepherds arrive. "yeah kid leave these bandits to us" "U-UNCLE/FATHER CHROM?!" "oh, you must be that righteous fury guy" "IN THE FLESH!!! FATHER/UNCLE!!! COMBINE YOUR MIGHT WITH MINE THAT WE MAY VANQUISH THESE FIENDS!!!" "sure, whatever"

CHAPTOUR 27
"i'm so glad we're finally done with our impregnation tour" "yeah, about that" "robin? no don't tell me-" "it's my turn again" "oh okay; i can handle this one"
"people say that these ruins contain a treasure guarded by zombies" "that sounds cool as hell" "but it looks like that girl has already beat us here" "we should go rescue her from the zombies and take the treasure for ourselves as a reward" "sounds good" Robin approaches the young girl. "oh there you are mother; let's get out of this wretched place" "oh, are you that second child we're expecting?" "expecting? no, it's me, morgan" "you came back in time with lucina, right?" "who the fuck is lucina?!" "your sister" "i do not remember a sister" "well, you remember chrom, right?" "can't say i do" "are you sure that i'm your mother and it's not the evil robin?" "that is a distinct possibility; i should go and check" Morgan leaves the ruins, allowing the Shepherds to claim the treasure as their own.

CHAPTOUR 28
"finally, now we can get back to uh whatever we were doing" "we were assembling a navy" "RIGHT" "so we have just as many ships as the valmese navy" "that's good" "but we have far fewer soldiers" "that's bad" "but plegia left us all this oil and we can use it to burn their ships" "that's good" "but the wind would carry the flames to OUR ships, burning us all alive" "that's bad" "CHROM I JUST HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA" "i'm not going to impregnate flavia" "oh that's a good idea too but maybe later; what if we light our own ships on fire!!!" The Shepherds all stare at Robin blankly. "fuck it, let's do it"
"well, we survived, and now we're at the port" "chrom, i had a thought" "yeah?" "if we use the outrealm portals, you can impregnate heroes from other realms!!! imagine impregnating a green-haired warrior princess or or or a woman who can turn into a cat!!!" "again with the impregnation? half our army is pregnant" "yeah but we can do better" "HOLD!!! look over there!!! it's the local resistance fighter!!!" "fighter? singular?" "well, everyone else is dead" "fair enough" Robin looks through the scrying orb. "ooh!!! she's a young, fertile female!!! we must make her join our army!!!" "of course"

CHAPTOUR 29
"robin, i've tried many, many times to impregnate say'ri; it just won't work" "TRY HARDER!!! there is a beautiful samurai bastard just waiting to be birthed from that canal!!!" "between bouts, can we please do something to help defeat walmart" "fine; say'ri, do you have any suggestions" "people around here worship a millenia-old dragon milf-" "say no more"
"the shrine is up at the top of this tree" "a treehouse shrine? sick; that dragon milf really knows how to live it up" "unfortunately, it's guarded by one of walmart's top generals; his name is cervantes, and he's never lost a single battle" "well neither have i" "what about-" "i didn't lose, i retreated; there is a difference" "here he is!!!" "hello resistance fighters!!!" "that is the greatest beard i have ever seen" "it is, isn't it? if any among you have a beard even half this amazing, i will let you all pass" "chrom i need you to grow a beard stat" "i can't just grow a beard of thin air" "tharja can you cast a beard-growing hex" "i had already prepared the reagents, as i had forseen this eventuality" Tharja casts her hex, and Chrom grows a magnificent beard. Cervantes stands agape. "you may pass"

CHAPTOUR 30
"tiki tiki wake up" "oh that was a good nap; sup say'ri" "we're at war currently" "oh lame" Tiki looks around. "hey is that the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ?" "yeah" "what happened to the other gems? there are supposed to be five" "my ancestors must have pawned them" "well that sucks; without all five gems set into the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ, one cannot perform the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening and defeat grima" "well i guess we've got to go scour the pawn shops of the land" "i wouldn't bother; aristocrats have probably bought up the gems already" "you don't know that; maybe it was a peasant who doesn't know anything about anything and bought them gem because 'pretty stone' and we can trade some shiny rocks for it" "i wouldn't hold your breath" While the Shepherds converse, Tiki walks up with a gem in her hand. "a-ha i knew it; look what i found in the couch cushions" "hmm good idea; cordelia, fly back to ylisse and check between the couch cushions" "can do sir"
"chrom, look at that fort over there" "i see it" "it's commanded by a beautiful woman!!! use your charms to convert her to our cause and put a baby in her!!!" "really? we're miles from home in a hostile nation, and you're still thinking about impregnation?" "i'm always thinking about impregnation" "fine i'll roll in" After some coaching from Virion, Chrom walks into the enemy fort with flowers in his hand. "HARK!!! commander pheros, please accept this bouquet as tribute to your beauty!!! i know that it is an ugly arrangement when placed next to your unparalleled loveliness, but-" "is this a distraction so i won't notice your entire army parked outside" "those are my wingmen" "you need an army's worth of wingmen?" "in order to strike up the confidence to approach such a dazzling sight as yourself, yes, certainly" Pheros is taken in by Chrom's words, and so the wizard Excellus appears. "this is not excellent; luckily, i have um coerced these former resistance fighters into fighting the ylissean army where you will not pheros" "go away excellus i'm about to be impregnated" "resistance soldiers!!! attack the prince!!!" The Shepherds race in to defend Chrom and Pheros as they begin the impregnation process.

CHAPTOUR 31
"so bad news: your impregnation of pheros has angered walmart and his boy, yen'fay, and they're both on their way here" "oh lame" "so let's rush south and kill yen'fay" "good plan good plan" "but what if walmart catches up and stabs us in the back while we're fighting yen'fay" "don't worry, i've booked a reservation at the best battlefiend in valm" "arena combat?!" "no, even better" Robin marches her troops straight into a volcano. "robin, you are insane" "thank you; i really appreciate the compliment"
"well we've killed yen'fay; how do you feel, say'ri" "well, he was my brother, but he was also a shithead so it balances out" "OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!" "not this guy again" "i, excellus, am laughing at you and your misfortune!!! yen'fay joined our cause to protect you, you know" "WHAT" "it's true!!! i have a signed affidavit" "wow notarised and everything" "DAMMIT i called him a shithead but LO!!! it is i who am the shithead!!!" "there there" Just then, Flavia runs in. "hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but basilio died fighting walmart" "shit" "but before he died, he gave me this to give to you; he found it between his couch cushions" "another gem for the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ!!! what luck!!!"

CHAPTOUR 32
"shhh tiki is performing a ritual to commune with the divine dragon so she can help us defeat the evil dragon" "it looks like she's sleeping" "that is part of the ritual" "i see" "OH SHIT ZOMBIES" The Shepherds defend Tiki from wave after wave of zombies. Right as the last zombie is struck down, Tiki yawns loudly. "well, i just completed my post-slumber nap, and i'm good to go"
"here it is, the final battle against walmart" Chrom slices at Walmart once, and he runs off. "well that was disappointing" Inside, Excellus looks on, shocked. "wow walmart fucking sucks; i'm getting out of here while the getting is possible" "good joke excellus" "j-joke?" "because you amuse me so, i'm giving you a promotion" "a promotion?!" "you are now captain of my personal guard; you will personally lead the charge on the ylissean army" "i really should stop talking to myself"
"WALMART!!! LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND SURRENDER!!! WE HAVE KILLED EVERY OTHER MAN IN THIS CASTLE!!!" "NEVER!!! LIVE BY THE SWORD!!! DIE BY THE SWORD!!! I AM THE CONQUEROR!!! I EXIST TO CONQUER!!! I WILL NEVER SURRENDER!!!" "well i tried" Chrom slices at Walmart once, and Walmart is defeated. "HUZZAH!!! THE PRINCE HAS FELLED THE CONQUEROR!!!" "prince chrom check out what i found in walmart's couch cushions!!!" "another gem from the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ!!! this must be my lucky day"

CHAPTOUR 33
"yo robin i've been reading up on the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening, and apparently i've got to let the divine dragon breathe fire on me or something" "i'll get our best seamstresses to work on creating you a new flame-retardant outfit made of asbestos" "good old asbestos; i can't imagine life without the safety provided to us by asbestos" "word; you can't spell 'asbestos' without 'BEST'" "MILORD plegia just sent us a letter" "not them again" "king validar has found the final gem of the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ between his couch cushions" "why him? why couldn't it have been anyone else?"
"hey validar; i heard you had something for me?" "why yes i do; i have for you a DEMAND!!! you are surrounded!!! give to me the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ or be cut down!!!" "counter-offer: give to me the last gem of the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ or YOU'LL be cut down" "COUNTER-counter-offer: robin, take from him the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ and give it to me" "what? why would i ever-" Robin suddenly gets a splitting headache, and gives Validar the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ against her will. "that was not fair" "yeah whatever; the important thing is that i now have the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ!!! and now i will lay the fifth and final gem inside it and perform the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening myself!!! except in an evil fashion!!! mwahahahahaha!!!" Validar teleports away.

CHAPTOUR 34
"mother may i have a word" "oh lucina what's up" "i've figured it out" "what out" "i'd heard that in the future, my father is killed by his beloved wife and i was like 'what no way that's crazy' but then i saw validar control you just now and i was like 'WHAT NO WAY!!! THAT'S CRAZY!!!'" "so what you're saying is?" "i'm going to kill you in order to avert the bad future" "i have considered your proposal, and while it is not without merit, allow me to suggest a counter-proposal: let's not do that" "please don't struggle; i want you to at least leave a pretty corpse" Chrom walks up to the scene unfolding. "lucina put that down right this instant" "no mother this must be done" "GO TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG LADY" "BUT FATHERRRRRR" "NOW" Lucina stomps up to her room and gets into her crib.
"well it's finally here; the long-awaited battle at the dragon's table" "i had a dream like this once" "oh yeah? did we win?" "yes, then i killed you" "oh nice" "IT WAS A PREMONITION!!! THAT'S THE FUTURE I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!" "LUCINA!!! you stop that right NOW or i'm turning this army around!!!" "but-" "NO BUTS!!!"

CHAPTOUR 35
"ah thanks for coming everyone; robin, right this way, i'll show you to your seat" "huh?" "oh, don't you know? you're the guest of honour" "what?" "you, of course, will be the vessel for the evil dragon, as that is what our eugenics program has led us to" "oh, is THAT why i have such a fondness for eugenics programs?" "indeed; but that army of bastards you've created is no match for the evil dragon that you soon will be" "yeah, i'll pass" Robin strikes down Validar. "well i'm glad that's over" "haha CYKE" Validar forces Robin to kill Chrom. "SEE?! THIS IS JUST WHAT I TOLD YOU!!!" "LUCINA NOW IS NOT THE TIME" "destiny cannot be changed!!! everyone who is supposed to be dead IS dead!!!" "haha CYKE" Basilio appears from out of nowhere, right on cue. "but you died already!!!" "no i just PRETENDED to die so that our machinations would lay undetected!!!" "what machinations could you possibly be talking about? chrom is dead and i have the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ" "haha CYKE" Chrom stands up, alive as he ever was. "okay but i still have the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ" "haha CYKE" "for fuck's sake what is it now" "we knew this day would come, so we created a fake Fire Emblemᵀᴹ and gave you the fake Fire Emblemᵀᴹ so you'd try to perform the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening with the fake Fire Emblemᵀᴹ; all the while the real Fire Emblemᵀᴹ was safe and sound so we could defeat you and take the last gem of the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ from you and then perform our OWN Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening!!!" "oh no" "face it validar!!! you've been hoodwinked!!!" "bamboozled!!!" "hornswaggled!!!" Validar falls to his knees, diddled again.

CHAPTOUR 36
"hey everyone thanks for coming" "oh who is it this time" "it's me, robin; more accurately, the robin from the future aka the evil robin" "evil robin?" "yeah i'm what happened when, in the original timeline, robin decided to kill chrom and fuse with the evil dragon" "oh what's it like" "it's pretty sweet; check this out" The evil Robin turns into a giant dragon. "well shit" "i guess we've got to go perform the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening now" "i was hoping to avoid this but i guess we have time to walk to the other side of the continent and back before grima kills everyone"
"BENEVOLENT GODDESS NAGA!!! BESTOW UPON ME YOUR STRENGTH!!!" "chill out dude i'm not a god" "huh?" "also you want to kill grima, right? well, you came to the wrong woman" "what?" "i can put him to sleep for a thousand years or so but i can't kill him" "oh that's fine too; we'll all be LONG dead by then" "fair enough; i will now perform the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening" Naga performs the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ Awakening, powering up Chrom's sword. "though, now that i think about it, there is one way to kill grima" "yes?" "he needs to kill himself" "so what? we trick him into walking into a noose?" "wait if evil robin is grima and i'm also evil robin, that means i could kill grima!!!" "brilliant!!!" "yeah but suicide is illegal so you'd go to jail for it" "i am prepared to face jailtime" "no way robin; we're going to put him to sleep; you can't be caught violating your parole" "it is a risk i am prepared to take"

CHAPTOUR 37
"now, it's the final battle, so i'm going to dole out all these steroids i've been sitting on all this time" "wait, you had all these steroids this whole time and never gave any out?! we could have used those against walmart!!!" "yeah but what if you'd reached your physical peak in that area without the steroids? i'd have wasted them!!!" "did anyone here actually reach that physical peak?" "nah" "see? no one-" "no, you idiot, i mean NAH the dragon girl" "oh well egg on my face"
"well that's grima" "how do we even hope to kill such a huge creature" "GET UP ON THE DRAGON'S BACK" "naga? how do you propose-" "GET UP ON THE DRAGON'S BACK" "yeah but-" "GET UP ON THE DRAGON'S BACK" "FINE OKAY WHATEVER" Chrom and the Shepherds climb up onto Grima's back with great difficulty. "the dragon's weak spot is at the nape of the neck" "NOT THAT YOU'LL GET THERE MORTALS" A bolt of darkness knocks everyone down to the brink of death. "now robin, JOIN WITH ME" "NEVER" "that wasn't a request" Robin is forcefully sucked into Grima's soul. "can't fight too weak; if only all my friends were to say one sentence to me all in succession" "robin you have to fight back!!! t. chrom" "come back!!! t. lissa" "robin, remember that time i fell flat on my face!!! t. sumia" "come back to us but not too close to me specifically t. lonk" "come back you dumb broad you had all my sugary snacks t. gaius" "come back from me also t. cordelia" "gregor need robin to coming back!!! gregor still not been paid!!! t. gregor" "grima is a lame dragon; come back to us cool dragons t. nowi" "ROBIN COME BACK OR I WILL CURSE YOU t. tharja" "my entire personality is talking about my wyvern!!! t. cherche" "oh how i envy you robin; if i were there i would say 'hello darkness my old friend' and frolic in the shadows t. henry" "MOTHER I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!! t. lucina" "we got so far and tried so hard but in the end it doesn't even matter t. gerome" "BLOOD AND THUNDER!!! t. noire" "does anyone else have anything to say?" "nah" "if only one more friend had said something asinine" "I MEANT ME YOU CLOD!!! t. nah" "yessssssss; just the right amount of my friends came to cheer me on; now i can escape and heal everyone back to perfect health!!!" "NOOOOO!!! NOT FRIENDSHIP!!! MY ONE WEAKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" "OKAY ROBIN I'M GOING TO SEAL THIS DRAGON AWAY" "fuck this hsit i will sacrifice myself to end this fuckign thing" Robin kills evil Robin, which also kills regular Robin. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" "maybe if we all say once sentence to her in succession, she'll come back!!!" "GOOD IDEA!!! t. chrom" "t. lissa" "t. frederick" "t. sully" "t. virion" [...] "t. nah" "t. tiki" "did it work?" "LET'S GO CHECK EVERY EMPTY FIELD IN YLISSE!!!" "YEAH!!!" The Shepherds march out to find their tactician.
THE END