Fire Emblem: Hitting the Snooze Button and Rolling Back Over

CHAPTOUR 01
"so let me get this straight: you were lying in this grassy field with amnesia, and the only two things you remember are your name and my name" "y-yes" "seems legit; let's be best friends" "okay" "m-MILORD WHAT" "oh come off it frederick; robin is the most genuine person i've ever met" "yeah freddy you're always on my case" "WE ONLY JUST MET YOU" "but it already feels like we've been friends a lifetime" "well said, robin; well said"
"we will make camp here; hopefully we will not be attacked by brigands" "or something worse" "come now, what could be worse than brigands" The Shepherds are attacked by zombies. "well that answers that question i suppose" Just then, a rider on a horse rides into the forest. "hoo boy am i glad i arrived when i di-" "FEAR NOT FAIR MAIDEN!!! FOR I!!!, VIRION!!!, THE ARCHEST OF ARCHERS!!!, AM HERE TO SAVE YOU!!!" "oh thanks i-" "not you blondie; i'm talking to the redhead" Lissa looks upward. "i don't see cordelia anywhere" "surely you jest madam, for i am talking about this maiden that rode ahead of me!!!" "sully?! a fair maiden?! chrom is more fair a maiden than sully ever was; hell, FREDERICK is more fair a maiden than sully" "do not be jealous my petit friend; just stand back as i!!!, virion!!!, the man who put the 'arch' in 'archer'!!!, save you all from these-" Virion looks around and notices that the zombies are all gone. "oh they must have ran away at the mere sight of my magnificence" "yeah, that must be it" Chrom cleans the zombie blood off of his sword.

CHAPTOUR 02
"well robin as you are no doubt aware i am the brother to the exalt so i need to hit this important meeting; lissa, show robin around" "can do boss" Lissa grabs Robin by the hand and drags her around. "and this is where the homies hang out" "the homies?" "yeah, all the shepherds hang out here; look, it's maribelle, sumia, and vaike" Kellam clears his throat. "yeah, let me introduce you to these three" "four, don't forget me, kellam" "this is maribelle; she's prissy" "the term is 'a proper lady'" "yeah yeah; this is sumia, she's a klutz" "hey that's not fair-" Sumia trips and falls face-first onto the ground. "last and also least, this is vaike" "l-last?!" "pleasure to meet you all" "oh i can't believe i forgot about stahl!!! he's not here right now, but he's great" "what's his major personality trait" "that's a good question"
"okay team; we're about to hit the road and request help from our friends to the north; vaike, you're all set?" "yeah man" "you didn't forget your axe this time?" "no way dude" "all right cool i-OH NO ZOMBIES" "aw yeah leave 'em to vaike-wait a minute where's my axe?!" Canned laughter rains down from the skies. "that's our vaike!!!"

CHAPTOUR 03
"here we are: the gate to regna ferox; let's go inside and ask for help" "HALT BOY I SAY HALT" "um hello i'm prince chrom of ylisse" "HA I SAY HA ARE YOU I SAY ARE YOU JOSHIN ME BOY" "i'm not josh, i'm chrom" "HA I SAY HA YOU ARE AWFUL BOY I SAY AWFUL AT IMPERSONATION!!! NOW LISTEN HERE BOY I SAY LISTEN; WE WILL SETTLE THIS BOY I SAY SETTLE THIS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY" "huh?" A volley of spears flies from the rampart straight at Chrom, but, luckily, Sumia swoops in on a pegasus and rescues him. "well thank god we coincidentally found that pegasus on the road not five minutes ago" "yes, coincidentally" "now let's get in there and beat down that rude lady who threw spears at me"
"WOW I SAY WOW!!! NO IMP-I SAY NO IMPOSTOR COULD HAVE BATTLED LIKE THAT" "you don't say" "NOW YOU STAY HERE I SAY STAY HERE WHILE I FETCH THE KHAN" "can do" "so chrom you said this was a warrior state?" "yeah; they love to fight here" "hmmmmm i can only imagine the leader of such a nation!!! he must be the peak of masculinity; perhaps two Y chromosomes where there should be but one" "flattering, but inaccurate" A woman approaches the Shepherds, implied to be the ruler of the nation. "unrealistic" "OH GREAT KHAN OF REGNA FEROX!!! I BESEECH THEE IN OUR TIME OF NEED!!! PLEASE GRANT UNTO US YOUR BENEVOLENCE!!!" "can you say that again, but in plain english this time" "we'd like to borrow some soldiers" "oh that's a great idea, unfortunately, i lack the authority to do such" "i thought you were the ruler of the nation" "OH that right well actually i'm the ruler of the east of the nation" "okay? grant us some eastern soldiers" "uh no can do; the leader of the west has total authority right now" "so you aren't the leader of anything then" "not as such no but wait wait LISTEN if you fight for me in the arena, i will totally become the head ruler" "or we could track down the actual ruler and fight for him instead" "i don't like that idea"

CHAPTOUR 04
"AHAHA that was a great battle chrom" "indeed it was basilio" The west khan, Basilio, whistles sharply. "here is my contribution to your cause; lonk, my best man" "oh, don't you need him for the wedding?" "ha ha very funny" "well robin is the one who decides on the personnel for our ragtag group, so i'll leave to it her" Robin walks up to Lonk with her measuring tape and notepad. "BEGONE WOMAN" "rude and also: how dare you" "oh don't mind him; lonk just hates women" "but our group is a clean 50% women" "actually robin it's about 45% women because we have eleven people not ten" "robin does raise a good point; five out of ten is a good chunk" "aw it's fine; lonk doesn't let his hatred of women get in the way of the mission" "fair enough; come on lonk"
Lissa cracks open Lonk's door. "hi lonk" "go away woman" "i'm sorry i'm just your biggest fan" "what?" "i loved it when you saved that princess from ganondorf using the triforce of courage!!!" "that wasn't me" "no need to be modest with me lonk; you're the greatest hero ever" "begone" "okay; see you later lonk!!!"

CHAPTOUR 05
"milord howdy sir please to be makin your acquaintence misir" "um yes hello" "your lordliness my village has done been attacked by bandits milord" "okay i'll take care of it" "um milord? can i perhaps make a request of you sire?" "yes?" "it's always been my life's dream to kill a bandit milord!!! could you soften one up for me your sirliness" "uh-" "chrom wait chrom psst over here" Robin leads Chrom aside. "listen i have a good feeling about this one" "huh?" "okay so we take this lokel yokel and bring him along with us right? then we soften up bandits and zombies and whathaveyou so he can get the final blow right?" "what purpose does that-" "if we do this, our bumpkin friend will become an unstoppable killing machine!!! he will destroy all who dare to oppose us!!!" "how do you know this?" "i mean, LOOK AT HIM!!! he's got a pot on his head!!! he's clearly got great potential hidden away inside that backwoods exterior" "fine fine we'll take him along" "good because we also don't have any other soldiers who are able use a lance on foot" "robin i am trained to use a lance on-foot; in fact, i am a highly-skilled javelin-thrower as well and-" Robin and Chrom walk away, never noticing poor Kellam.

CHAPTOUR 06
"well we got those reinforcements for you sis" "great work bro; that lonk guy and the kid with the pot on his head are just what we needed" "MILORD maribelle has been kidnapped by the plegian king!!!" "oh no not maribelle" "i only met her once, but this loss greatly affects me" "this loss greatly affects us all; let us march on plegia!!!" "no; we will attempt diplomacy" "that is a great suggestion sis, but it's also the worst suggestion i've heard in my entire life" "that's a weird pronunciation of 'best'" "your plan is perfect if your goal is suicide" "well maybe it is; i've been emmeryn all my life, and maybe it's time to be emmer-out"
"ALL RIGHT CAPTAIN I'VE PACKED MY STUFF!!!" "oh who is this small child chrom?" "i am not a child; it's glandular" "now ricken, you be a good boy and tend the barracks until we get back" Ricken watches as the Shepherds leave town, and follows them silently.
"okay king gangrel, we're here to negociate for the return of maribelle" "okay, hand over the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ" "uh no; how about some money or ylissean cakes" "i want the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ or no deal" "well bye maribelle it was nice knowing you" "we'll give you a nice funeral" Emmeryn and the Shepherds turn to leave when Maribelle's captor is struck by a bolt of wind. "wha-" "worry not maribelle!!! for i, RICKEN!!!, have saved you this day!!!" "RICKEN YOU CLOD" "YOU DOLT" "YOU RUBE" "YOU JUST STARTED A WAR YOU DIP" "YOU NITWIT" "YOU MAROON" "oops"

CHAPTOUR 07
"okay so now that SOMEONE has started a war, we're going to need more reinforcements from ferox" "maybe two guys this time" As Robin and Chrom discuss how nice it would be to receive three guys, a figure approaches. "GREETINGS FROM THE FUTURE" "huh?" "I COME WITH A WARNING: there will be an attack on the exalt's life tonight" "why should i believe you?" "observe as i save your life" The newcomer cuts down a would-be assassin before he can get the jump on Chrom. "we good?" "yes totally i trust you completely now" "milord what if she just hired that guy to kill you, then pretended to save your life in some ulterior motive" "frederick, that sounds highly implausible" "yet you're okay with this woman claiming she's from the future?" "yes"
"he he he time to assassinate the exal-wait a minute what are all of these people doing here?! my plan is ruined!!!" "assassinate?! i thought we were just stealing shit; i'm going to go along with it for now, but if the leader of the defense force talks to me and offers me candy before i get a chance to get myself killed, i am so out of here"
"I AM A TAGUEL!!! HUMAN, SWERVE!!!" "oh cute bunny!!!" "c-cute?! i am a vicious taguel!!! you are beneath me, human!!!" "look at those cute little ears!!!" Lissa begins stroking Panne's ears. "HUMAN!!! DO NOT!!! TOUCH!!! THE EARS!!!" "who's a cutie wutie bunny?! you are!!!" "i mean, yes, but-" Lissa turns to Chrom, who is currently waist-deep in assassin entrails. "CHROM!!! CAN I KEEP IT?!" "sure whatever kind of busy" "YAY!!!" "I AM NOT A PET, HUMAN!!!"

CHAPTOUR 08
"well i'm glad the assassination attempt was a failure" "hey where'd the mysterious flat-chested girl go" "she probably turned sideways so we can't see her" "damn"
Chrom manages to convince Emmeryn to seek a hidden castle, and the Shepherds begin their new escort mission. "man this is a long trek; i'm dying over here" "he he he you don't know how much you'll be dying soon" "what was that?" "uh the sun is so hot it's like i'm frying!!!" "chrom, who is this guy" "oh that's the hierarch; he's been a friend of the kingdom for years" "oh uh cool" "ha ha ha yes you FOOLS wander ever closer into my trap!!!" "what was that?" "uh after walking such a long distance, i sure feel like crap" "oh yeah me too let's rest a bit" "yes, rest in PEACE!!!" "what was that?" "uh there's some shade over there where we can rest with ease" "oh nice let's go" "i'd love to robin but we seem to be being ambushed by some bandits" "oh damn; stand back mr hierarch; i will protect you!!!" "ah but who will protect you, you simple-minded RUBE!!!" "what was that? "uh i was just um fantasising" "fantasising?" "yeah about your uh boobs" "fair enough; my boobs are pretty tight"
The Hierarch sneaks out to talk to the bandit leader. "psst guys i'm here to go into your protection like we'd agreed" "i had my fingers crossed" "wait what" The bandit leader strikes the hierarch down with ease. "NOOOOO NOT THE HIERARCH!!!" Robin falls to her knees, tears streaming from her face. "i have failed the hierarch; i am worthless"

CHAPTOUR 09
"well that takes care of that" "GUYS NEW PROBLEM" "cordelia? don't tell me" "THE WESTERN BORDER HAS BEEN TAKEN!!!" "well that settles it" "emmeryn? no don't-" "i'm going back to the capital" "that's suicide" "yes it is" "but-" "chrom, take the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ and go get those reinforcements; emmer-OUT" Emmeryn marches back to the capital. "i hate that woman"
The Shepherds arrive at Regna Ferox, and are greeted by Basilio. "okay do you want the good news or bad news" "good news please i need some" "we've allocated all five of our men to defend ylisse" "and the bad news?" "ylisse's capital has already fallen" "FUCK" "also gangrel has decided to publicly execute the exalt soon" "I TOLD HER THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!! BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN!!!" Chrom marches off. "COME ON, LET'S GO ALREADY"
The Shepherds make their way to a Plegian desert and witness a little girl being chased. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!! STRANGER DANGER!!!" "wait gregor not dangering!!! gregor rescuing!!!" "yeah, what's next?! you've got candy in that white caravan?!" "CANDY?!~" "quiet gaius we've got to save that little girl" "OH YOU'RE MAKING ME SO MAD!!! I'M GONNA HUFF!!! AND I'M GONNA PUFF!!!" The little girl turns into a dragon and lays waste to the Plegians around her. "wow" Robin zips over to the little girl's side. "hey little girl would you like to join my army?" "an army? i don't know" "i'll give you gaius's candy" "HEY" "deal" "gregor also join army in exchange for candy" "done and done" Gaius sheds a single tear for his lost candy.

CHAPTOUR 10
"dearly departed, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of emmeryn, the exalt of ylisse" Gangrel's soldier goes to give Emmeryn a shove, as they had rehearsed, but he is swiftly cut down by a thrown axe. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE HAD TO REHEARSE THAT?!" Chrom and the Shepherds fight their way through Gangrel's men, recruiting a monk and a goth chick along the way. "oh so you've defeated all of my soldiers, have you? THINK AGAIN!!!" Archers appear instantly, surrounding the Shepherds. "dammit" "now give me the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ or the exalt becomes an attractive quiver" "finally, it is my time to shine" Emmeryn begins to stretch. "EMMERYN NO" "i have waited my whole life for a chance to sacrifice myself for the greater good, and now i'm ready" "NO STOP-" "CANNONBALL!!!" Emmeryn leaps off of her perch, splattering against the ground in a way that will forever haunt the dreams of everyone present.
"hey everyone i'm mufasa, the commander gangrel sent to kill you, but i'm not feeling it any more" "what? why?" "your exalt's dive really got to me, you know? her form was beautiful" "hey would you like to join our army instead?" "i can't; i have to obey my king" "but if we all team up, we can dethrone that king and maybe even let YOU be king" "n-no i don't think that's a good idea" Mufasa lays his head down on a block. "just decapitate me and be on your way" "wha-" "this way, we can all get what we want" "but i want you in my army" "no no i don't think that's going to happen" "but-" "hey gaius; i'll give you this bag of candy if you behead me" "DEAL" Gaius swiftly puts an end to Mufasa. "GODDAMMIT GAIUS"

CHAPTOUR 11
"well now that we've retreated, it's time to DEtreat" "what?" "gangrel will never see it coming!!! we just fled with our tails between our legs - no offense, panne - and now we'll double back and WHAMMO he'd never imagine such a bold strategy!!!" "i'm certainly having trouble imagining it" "well that's why lords like you hire tacticians like me, you see" "fair enough, let's go"
"GANGREL YOUR TIME IS UP!!! OUR RAGTAG GROUP OF MISFITS WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS ENDED ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!" "oh i'm shaking in my little boots" "BOOTS?!" Robin rushes up to Gangrel and inspects his footwear. "these are not genuine boots; i can't agonise over which member of the army to give these to" Robin fries Gangrel with her fire magic for getting her hopes up. "well i guess the war is over"
"well now that the war is over i suppose there's just one thing left to do" Chrom bends down on one knee. "robin, marry me" "well i'm flattered b-" "that wasn't a question; chrom gets what chrom wants, and chrom wants a beautiful monogamous relationship with his tactician" "fair enough i suppose" Chrom and Robin get married, and live happily ever after.
THE END

CHAPTOUR 12
Two years have passed since Gangrel's defeat. One day, a messenger arrives from Regna Ferox. "uh hi" "boy i have word i say i have word from regna ferox; the khan requests your immediate presence" "for what purpose?" "the last war was so good i say so good in fact that the people are clamouring for a sequel" "we'll head over right away" "well let's get going" "robin um i was hoping you'd stay behind with our daughter, lucina; you know the one" "nah fuck that; that weird birthmark on her left eye freaks me out" "fair enough; hopefully she'll grow up to have a huge rack of tits to compensate for it" "indeed; i'd hate to bear the shame of having given birth to a flat-chested daughter"
"okay we came here as fast as we could; what's the plot of this sequel then?" "well i'll let our guest fill you in" "GREETINGS FRIENDS!!! IT IS I!!! VIRION!!! THE ARCHEST OF ARCHERS!!! BUT!!! THAT GUISE WAS A MERE RUSE!!! YES!!! INDEED!!! VERILY!!! IT WAS BUT A SHAM INTENDED TO DECEIVE YOU INTO BELIEVING THAT I AM A TAD LESS EXTRAORDINARY THAN IS REALITY!!! FORSOOTH!!!" "what he's trying to say is-" "shush woman let virion talk" "I, VIRION!!!, AM IN ACTUALITY THE DUKE OF ROSANNE!!! IT IS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT TERRITORY IN ALL OF VALM!!! BUT LO!!! WALMART THE CONQUEROR CAME AND SAW AND INDEED CONQUERED!!! SO IT IS, WITH THE HEAVIEST OF HEARTS, THAT I!!!, VIRION!!!, THE PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!!!, MUST HUMBLY REQUEST THINE AID!!!" "also walmart is going to conquer your continent next by the btw" "oh lame" "INDEED IT IS LAME, MY COMPATRIOTS!!! THUS I BESEECH THEE!!! LET US BAND TOGETHER TO FEND OFF THESE NE'ER-DO-WELLS!!!" "forsooth!!!"

CHAPTOUR 13
"PEOPLE OF WHATEVER CONTINENT THIS IS; GIVE US ALL OF YOUR STUFF OR WE WILL TAKE IT BY FORCE!!! FOOD, SHIPS, LAND, AND THE Fire Emblemᵀᴹ; GIVE IT ALL TO US NOW OR PREPARE TO BE KILLED" "you are just the most greedy people i've ever met; food, sure; ships, okay; land, you're pushing it but i may have gone along with it; but NO ONE is taking away our Fire Emblemᵀᴹ!!!"
"well we've defeated those idiots but more idiots are soon to follow" "we'll never stand a chance of beating them on land" "so, of course, we will have to defeat them out on the sea" "we don't have a navy" "we can borrow one from plegia" "we aren't trained for naval combat" "how hard can it be?" "i get seasick easily" "take some fucking dramamine you drama queen"
"welcome prince chrom to plegia; allow me to introduce our new king, validar" "okay buddy i'm not going to be jerked around here; i want all your boats and enough gold to outfit our army, you heard that?!" "that's fair" "well fu-huh?" "that gangrel was a shit king; we're now a nation of peace" "uh g-good" "also have you met my daughter? COME IN DAUGHTER DEAR" Validar's daughter enters the room and removes her cowel to reveal Robin. "oh funny joke validar; you brought in a mirror" The two Robins walk up to eachother. Robin begins to raise her arms to show that it is a mirror image, but she is quickly slapped across the face by Robin. "validar your mirror is broken"

CHAPTOUR 14
"well that was certainly unexpected" "yes, i agree; who could have ever guessed that the amnesiac you found in a field would be the daughter of a priest of an evil dragon cult" "it boggles the mind" "MILORD ZOMBIES" "ah shit not them again" All of a sudden, a young man swoops in on a flock of ravens. "fear not, friends!!! i am here to help you guys out!!!" "a plegian dark mage? why though?" "well you see, i just ADORE murder!!! and i figured - what situation could i ever possibly be in that would allow me to commit more murders than a war?! and it's all legal too!!! i'll be rewarded and praised for doing what i love, and, really, isn't that what everyone wants out of life?" "fair enough; welcome aboard"
"well that's all of the zombies" Chrom and Robin laugh at the pitiful zombie horde, when one slides up behind Chrom for a sneak attack. "FATHER NO!!!" The mysterious flat-chested girl from earlier dives to defend Chrom. "father? seriously? i'm only like five years older than-WAIT" Chrom inspects the girl. "th-that's that creepy birthmark lucina has on her eyeball!!! don't tell me that you're lucina all grown-up and you travelled back in time to prevent a terrible future!!!" "okay, i won't tell you, but it will be a lie by omission" "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BOOBS?!" "th-they never came in" A single tear streams down Chrom's face, his entire hope for the future dashed before his eyes.

CHAPTOUR 15
"okay everyone; i have purchased these second seals, with which i will be turning you all into dark mages" "what? why?" "i need you all to whip up a hex to increase lucina's bust size; succeed as a group where tharja and henry failed as individuals" "we're talking about the adult lucina, right? not the baby?" "that's correct, stahl; thank you for asking before someone made an unanticipated mistake" The dark mages begin casting hex after hex, and eventually, Nowi ends up with D-cups. "okay everyone, good work; lucina next though please" The hexing lasts well into the night. Every girl in the Shepherds gains a few cup sizes, except for Lucina. "okay one last try everyone; this time it's bound to work" The final hex is cast, and Lucina's bust size increases to G. "GREAT JOB EVERYONE!!!" Lucina immediately falls over. "we'll work on that"
"chrom, i've been thinking" "i'd hope so, that's what i pay you for" "cute; i've been thinking that if our one daughter was able to travel back in time to join our army, maybe other daughters could as well" "uh-" "listen, one daughter from the future is nice and all, but imagine if we had an ARMY of daughters from the future!!!" "so you want me to impregnate you again?" "yes, and not just me" "pardon?" "imagine this: an army of glorious bastards from the future" "you want me to sleep around?" "yes, with every girl in camp; impregnate every single one" "i don't know" "listen, chrom, i need you to impregnate sumia; for the good of the nation, of course" "this is going to be a long war"

CHAPTOUR 16
"ah a nice little village; let's stop at the tavern and have some food" "GO AWAY WE DO NOT SERVE CHROMS HERE" "what?" The tavern-keeper slams the door on his tavern, The No Chroms Club. "that was weird" "hey i think we can eat here" "NO GO AWAY" The restaurant owner slams the door on her restaurant, The No Chroms Bistro. "i didn't know that valm hated me so much" "milord it appears there's an impostor claiming to be chrom, who has stirred up this anti-chrom sentiment" "we need to strike down this villain in order to restore my good name!!!"
"LORD CHROM; PEGASUS KNIGHT CYNTHIA REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR!!!" Cynthia trips on a rock, much to Chrom's annoyance. "yes, and?" "an impostor chrom is coming milord!!! he's planning to assassinate you so he can assume your identity!!!" "damn him" "it's okay i'll stop him!!!" Cynthia hops onto her pegasus and rides over to the Shepherds. "HALT!!! BEGONE IMPOSTOR AND REPENT YOUR IMPOSTORLY WAYS!!! FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL BE MET WITH MY SPEAR OF JUSTICE!!!" "miss, you're confused" "YES!!! I AM CONFUSED AS TO WHY ANYONE WOULD TRY AND BESMIRCH LORD CHROM'S GOOD NAME!!!" "no, i am the real chrom; notice my indigo hair and the birthmark on my arm" "MERE HAIRDYE AND A BAD TATTOO!!! MY REAL FATHER WOULD HAVE EMBRACED ME THE SECOND WE MET AND CALLED ME HIS PEGA-PONY PRINCESS!!!" "you must be sumia's kid; you haven't been born yet" "o-oh well this is embarrassing"

CHAPTOUR 17
"great job chrom; cynthia will be an amazing addition to this army!!!" "truly?" "oh, definitely!!! next up, i need you to impregnate cordelia" "there's no way this one's going to backfire" "i've been talking to lucina, and cordelia's daughter, severa, is clearly the one we need next" "'next'?" "oh yeah; lots of women left to impregnate, chrom; get on it"
"all right men; chrom is coming and i need you to kill him for me so i can get the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ and assume my rightful place on the throne" "i hate this guy" "hate me all you like severa, but i've got your precious ring and i'll only give it to you if you kill chrom and obtain for me that Fire Emblemᵀᴹ" "whatever"
"hey there miss i-" "oh it's YOU" "yeah, it's me" "listen lady i ain't got time for your bullshit today" "excuse me?" "i know you're always going on and on about chrom but i've got my own problems; my friend is in there and i want to convince him to give up this bandit life" "but-" "i'll join your STUPID army after but if holland dies I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU MOTHER" "wha-" Severa stomps off right into the bandit's fortress, where they proceed to pelt her with arrows and spells. "WAIT COME BACK" "NO FUCK YOU I'M A TEENAGER NOW I DO WHAT I WANT"
"okay i've talked to holland now i'll join your stupid army BUT ONLY IF WE GET HEALTH BENEFITS" "oh yeah, our health benefits are off the charts; we've also got a great -severance package-" "i'll sever your fucking head if you ever make a shitty pun like that again"

CHAPTOUR 18
"chrom, next one's a big one and i need you to be focused" "i don't like the sound of this" "i need you to impregnate tharja" "after the disaster that was cordelia's daughter, i don't know if i want to impregnate THAT can of worms" "chrom please i'm begging you; we need more super-daughters if we're going to win this war and prevent that calamitous future" "well you twisted my arm"
"you lost little girl?" "yes; you see, i was part of a team of elite bastards that travelled back in time in order to avert a grim fate so it is imperative that i find at least one of my parents" "fascinating; go on" As Noire talks about her purpose, the man she is talking at slams chains onto her. "OH NO THEY'RE GOING TO SELL THAT NAIVE HELPLESS GIRL AS A SLAVE!!!" "chrom i think that's your daughter" Chrom looks behind him to see Lucina, Severa, and Cynthia all present and accounted for. "uh your OTHER daughter" "oh no!!!"
"oh woe is me; it is the end!!!" Noire collapses to the floor dramatically. "except, what is this?! a bow?! and arrows?! HUZZAH!!! I AM SAVED!!!" Noire grips her lucky talisman tight. "THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES SHALL RAIN DOWN LIKE VICTORY CONFETTI!!! MY THUNDEROUS ARROWS WILL MAKE THESE WOULD-BE SLAVERS BEG AT MY HEELS FOR MERCY!!! BUT AS THEY BEG, I TWIST THE KNIFE FURTHER AND FURTHER UNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE A SUBLIME PAIN UNIMAGINABLE BY EVEN THE GODS!!!" Noire charges out of the cell she wasn't even locked inside, and plunges arrow after arrow into her would-be captors. "BLOOD AND THUNDER!!! BEG BEFORE ME WORMS!!!"

CHAPTOUR 19
"hey chrom, you know that dancer whose panties you're always stuffing singles into?" "olivia?" "yeah her; i need you to impregnate her" "this is my life now, i suppose"
"hey i'm from a local bandit clan; i was hoping to resolve this whole 'plundering' situation without any bloodshed; give me your money now, and we'll leave in peace" "do you accept visa" "of course!!! just let me get out my little-AGH" "INIGO!!! you killed him and now his friends are going to try and avenge him!!!" "have no fear, fair maiden!!! i, INIGO!!!, will make sure your village remains safe and sound, no matter how many bandits they throw at it!!!" "you'd fucking better or i am going to become a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your life, then continue to haunt you when YOU become a ghost" "fair enough"
"oh no that man is facing an army of bandits all by himself!!!" "oh no we should rescue him then ask him where olivia's daughter could be" "good idea" "hey there friends; i need to kill at least five bandits for the girls to love me" "oh i got this" Robin begins digging through her backpack. "first use this master seal to promote into a bow knight, then use this arms scroll to up your bow skill to D so you can use this iron bow; pair up with noire and take cover in these trees here" "can you say that one more time i-" "GOOD LUCK SOLDIER!!!"
"well inigo welcome aboard" "thanks pop" "p-pop?!" "yeah you're my father from the future right? i'm olivia's son" "oh, my first son!!! the heir to the kingdom!!!" Robin stamps the ground, upset that her plan backfired slightly, and the main bloodline will be Olivia's rather than her own.

CHAPTOUR 20
"chrom, i need you to impregnate miriel next" "miriel?! does she even have ovaries?! i'd imagined she'd removed them to perform a science experiment on" "well yes she did, but then she put them right back in" "joy" Chrom trudges over to Miriel's room, where she is brandishing a ruler. "disrobe" "yeah that's how this generally goes" "i will need to measure your erect member in order to properly prepare my landing zone for impact" "what?" "this of course, will impact how many pre-coital stretches i will do in order to optimise sperm flow to the ovaries" "god help me"
"legend tells of a village in the sands that disappears like a mirage" "sounds like a mirage" "yes but it is also said that the goddess staff lies at this very village" "i don't know what that is" "you know, now that you mention it, i don't know what it is either" "sounds like a waste of our time" "indeed; let's continue on" The Shepherds avoid the desert, and thus leave Miriel's son, Laurent, behind in the desert.

CHAPTOUR 21
"so who's next on our impregnation list" "maribelle" "oh she'll never go for that" "i know; that is why i have sedated her" "robin, this was bad enough when it was consensual" "so if i could convince maribelle to carry your bastard around, you'd be fine with it" "yes" "okay brb" Robin walks over to Tharja and whispers forebodingly. Soon, Maribelle walks up to Chrom in her lengerie. "take me chrom" "let's get this over with"
"man i fucking love being a bandit; raping, pillaging, it's all SO good" The bandit leader swings his axe with mirth, cutting down villager after villager. "damn these bandits; if only i could fight; maybe bonk em on the head with my staff" "we'll back you up; we're the SHEPHERDS" "th-the shepherds?! does that mean that you're chrom?! crown prince of ylisse and holder of the Fire Emblemᵀᴹ?!" "yeah that's me" "oh then i'm your bastard son, with maribelle" "maribelle? but you uh-" "MY SON?! O~HOHOHOHOHOHO~!!! do not make me laugh; my son would not be so uncouth!!! my son would OOZE couthness!!!" "couth just ain't in my nature" "'ain't'?! 'AIN'T'?! OH HEAVENS!!!" Maribelle passes out at the confirmation that her son is an oafish, uncultured, and uncouth boor of a bastard.

CHAPTOUR 22
"chrom, are you a religious man?" "not especially" "well it's time to go to cherche" "clever; is she in the impregnation chamber" "you mean your bedroom? yeah" "sweet"
"help!!! someone's killing all the people and stealing our wyverns!!!" "i'm not fit to help anyone" "people are dying!!!" "i'm just useless" "YES WITH THAT ATTITUDE YOU ARE" "so we're in agreement; please leave me be" The villager continues running, annoyed, as Gerome cuts himself. Luckily, the Shepherds are coincidentally nearby. "can you people help? that sadsack over there is useless" "ON OUR WAY" Chrom rushes in to help, and runs into Gerome. "hey dude, why aren't you helping?" "we tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter" "that doesn't even make sense" "i have become so numb" "then put a fucking jacket on and help us fight, emo kid" Chrom continues the aforementioned rushing in, and Gerome begrudgingly helps out, in spite of his numbness.

CHAPTOUR 23
"chrom, how do you feel about tomboys" "robin, i know where you're going with this, and sully is NOT a tomboy" "what is she then?" "terrifying" "she's told me that she believes she can bear your bastard better than any of the pansy women you've impregnated so far; she has prepared a sturdy rope so she can tie you to the bed" "can we just have tharja or henry artificially inseminate sully instead?" "she's told me that if you're not there in the next thirty seconds, she will drag you into the bedroom by your hair, beat you with a club, tie you to the bed, and perform a high-dive move to slot your member into her open member-receptacle" "she said that?" "twenty seconds" Chrom runs off to his bedroom, terrified.
"you absolute asshole!!! you could not defeat my master in a fair duel, so you cheated, you blasphemous bastard!!!" "have you ever heard the expression 'all's fair in [...] war'?" "you conniving craven!!! duel me now so i may avenge my master, you duplicitous dog!!!" "i'd rather sit here and listen to you attempt more alliteration, if i'm being honest" "you entrophic exchanger!!! you felicitous fiend!!! you giant germ!!! you hated hellspawn!!! you insufferable idiot!!! you jaunty jackass!!!"
"hey what's going on here" "i followed this knavely killer to these ruins to duel him HONOURABLY, but that lardass loser set up an ambush!!! could you all please help me deal with this maniacal menagerie?!" "i'd rather sit here and listen to you attempt more alliteration, if i'm being honest" "that niggardly nuissance!!! that ostentatious ogre!!! that pusilanimous posturer!!!! that quaverly queer!!! that ravenous rogue!!! that soulless so-and-so!!! that terrible tormentor!!! that uncouth undertaker!!! that virulent villain!!! that waterheaded warmonger!!!" "waterheaded?" "w is hard, okay? you xylophone-loving xerophile!!!"

CHAPTOUR 24
"chrom, do you like bunnies" "oh, is panne next?" "indeed; maybe you should repopulate the taguel for us" "i have been itching to use those ears like a pair of handlebars" "that's the spirit"
"HEY YOU" "me?" "YES, YOU; GREYMANE OR BATTLEBORN" "what?" "WHICH GROUP DO YOU SUPPORT: GREYMANE OR BATTLEBORN" "i know nothing about either why would i-" "listen dude, i'll pay you to join us greymanes as we fight the godforsaken battleborns" "WAIT I'LL PAY YOU DOUBLE TO JOIN US BATTLEBORNS TO FIGHT THE MILK-DRINKING GREYMANES!!!" "well, robin? greymane or battleborn?" "how about we kill all of them and let god sort them out" "i like your thinking robin"
Chrom casts his gaze across the battlefield, and zeroes in on a bunnyman. "STAY BACK I'M WARNING YOU" "MY SON!!! MY BUNNY SON!!!" "wha-" "oh my beautiful bunny bastard; YOU SHALL BE THE TRUE KING OF YLISSE!!!" "wait no stop leave me alone no"

CHAPTOUR 25
"that's about all the women isn't it?" "not quite" "all the ADULT women" "nowi is 1,000 years old" "but-" "chrom this is medieval times; this is normal" "but-" "IMAGINE a daughter who is a dragon!!! laying waste to our enemies from the skies!!! chrom, for the good of the nation - nay, the WORLD - i need you to impregnate nowi" "fine fine"
"oh look chrom!!! a haunted house!!! can we go in can we can we can we" "okay okay" The Shepherds enter the haunted house, and are greeted by a girlish scream. "miss are you all right?!" "yes i think so" "could you tell me your name?" "nah" Chrom pauses for the briefest of moments. "okay, i'll start first; i'm prince chrom of ylisse; now could you please tell me your name?" "nah" "NAH?!" "yeah" "why won't you tell me your name?!" "i just did" "what?" "my name is nah" Chrom reels back, confused. "your name is nah?" "yeah" "what parents would ever name their kid nah?!" "that's a good question, father" "oh, you're one of my bastards" "yeah" "did the wetnurse ask 'have you picked out a name?' and i said 'nah' and she took that to be the name?" "i don't know" "did i never tell you?" "nah"