So You Think You Can Lance (season 1)

EPYSODE ONE:
"WELCOME TO THE GRAND KNIGHT'S TOURNAMENT; MANY GREAT AND HONOURABLE KNIGHTS ARE HERE TO TOURN BUT ONLY ONE CAN BE CHAMPION; LET THE FIRST ROUND BEGIN" Lady Emelyn blows her horn, signaling the beginning of the first round. "hey wait where are the other knights" "uh they all got slain by the terrible dragon milord so all we have left are these three" Sir Sheriff Antony, Sir Jakey, and Sir Tom Cruise wave at King Bran. "well we can't very well have a tournament without at least a fourth man; get me a peasant and perch him upon a donkey" "right away sir" Lady Emelyn zips off, returning with the peasantiest of peasants. "what's your name peasant" "e-eif sir" "well get ye upon yonder donk and die horribly" "yes sir" The tournament is randomly seeded through an RNG computer programme, and the first match is Eif vs. Sir Tom Cruise. "verily!!!" The knight and the peasant take their places, and charge upon the sound of Lady Emelyn's horn. Eif's stick snaps when it hits Sir Tom Cruise's armour, and Sir Tom Cruise's lance punctures Eif's unarmoured chest, killing him instantly. "THE WINNER OF MATCH ONE IS SIR TOM CRUISE" "verily"

EPYSODE TWO:
"THE SECOND MATCH IS ABOUT TO BEGIN; SIR SHERIFF ANTONY VS. SIR JAKEY; GOD BE WITH YOU BOTH" "hey thanks" Sir Sheriff Antony and Sir Jakey mount their loyal steeds and take their positions. The horn sounds, and the two knights charge straight for eachother. "WHOOPS" Sir Jakey drops his lance on the ground, and, thinking quickly, backflips to a standing position on the horse. When Sir Sheriff Antony thrusts his mighty lance, Jakey hops over it and lands on Sir Sheriff Antony's horse, right in front of him. "sir jakey this isn't how you joust" "i disagree; HAVE AT YOU" Sir Jakey delivers a vicious haymaker to Sir Sheriff Antony's head, but breaks his hand on Sir Sheriff Antony's metal helmet. "OW FUCK" Sir Sheriff Antony tosses Sir Jakey to the ground and pierces his armour with his lance. "I GIVE I GIVE" "SIR SHERIFF ANTONY IS THE WINNER; HE WILL FACE SIR TOM CRUISE IN THE FINAL ROUND" "forsooth"

EPYSODE THREE:
"THE FINAL MATCH WILL DECIDE WHETHER THE GREATEST KNIGHT IN THE LAND IS SIR SHERIFF ANTONY OR SIR TOM CRUISE; BEST OF LUCK TO THE BOTH OF YOU" Already in position, Sir Tom Cruise gives King Bran a thumbs up. The knights rev up their horses' engines and blast off from the line as Lady Emelyn's horn blows. Both knights grip their lances firmly and spur their horses hard. Both knights pierce the other's armour and are knocked off their horses. "..." "..." "uh" "what happens now" "FIRST ONE TO GET UP IS THE WINNER" Both knights barely manage to stand up at the same time. "oh for fuck's sake" King Bran closes his eyes really hard and rubs his face. "THESE KNIGHTS ARE EQUAL IN VALOUR AND FORTITUDE AND SO I DECLARE THE CONTEST A TIE" "what a rip-off" "i had a hundred gold pieces on sir tom cruise" "well i had a thousand on it ending in a tie so cha-ching" Lady Kathy rakes in her winnings as the rest of the audience throws garbage at the two knights.
THE END