A Thing of the Past: The Demoness War (1723)

Mission 001: Foreign Politics [King Bran}
"jakey do you follow foreign politics at all" "i try not to" "well hell is currently undergoing a civil war" "i'll have to cancel my vacation plans then" "indeed; and those tickets were so cheap too" "so what's the war about" "the queen of hell, jezzie, claims that another demoness named wynne has stolen her macaroni" "and ate it?" "i assume, but that was never explicitly stated in the press release" "those uncultured demonesses, going to war over macaroni" "i know right? at least hold off your war for a lasagna or something" Michelle walks in and hands Jakey and King Bran each a bowl of macaroni. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Wynne missions]

Mission 002: Wartime Neutrality [Jezzie]
"jakey good to see you!!! have you come to pledge canada as an ally to my righteous forces?!" "no, canada will remain neutral" "fine, but don't expect to share any of the macaroni reparations afterward" "so why are you pitching an entire war over macaroni?" "it's the principle of the thing; anyone who steals from the queen of hell will be destroyed" "yeah but don't demonesses come back to life after two years" "oh do not you worry; i have a secret plan on that front" "you're going to somehow banish wynne for 300 years aren't you" "shhh don't spoil it" "yeah but what will we do as a society without the one and only wynne, the wind demoness?" "have fewer tornadoes" "and as a consequence more trailer parks? no thanks" "well join with her side then if you care so much; just be sure to have plenty of macaroni ready to pay reparations when you lose" Michelle brings in a piping hot bowl of macaroni as preparations for the reparations. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 003: The East Wind [Wynne]
"oh good jakey, you came" "why did you do it wynne" "excuse me?" "why would you steal jezzie's macaroni like that" "i stole nothing; that is simply propaganda" "really" "yes; that macaroni had a little placard with my name on it next to it so i thought it was for me" "is it possible that a third party with a vested interest in a hellish civil war orchestrated this vile act?" "what? no way, that's just silly; jezzie just wanted to start a war" "that does sound like her" "luckily for me, i have my best demoness on my side; leanthe, the grass demoness" "who is directly countered by jezzie's second, lilith, the fire demoness" "which is why i have my third: gremory, the water demoness!!!" "who is directly countered by jezzie's third, eleatrice, the electricity demoness" "FUCK" Wynne begins poring over her notes. "quick jakey do you know of any rubber demonesses" "not since the succubus rights act of 1616" "damn those succubii; always sucking us dry" Michelle walks in and hands Wynne a pair of rubber gloves. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Leanthe missions/Lilith missions/Gremory missions/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 004: The Forces of the Dead [Jezzie]
"hey jakey check out my army of the dead" "wow it's got a lot of variety; vampires, wights, etc." "yeah i wasn't happy with the low number of wights so i created a few more" "wouldn't that backfire though? if you make people desire revenge more than anything, won't it be on you?" "nah, i wore a wynne costume" "oh, smart" "yeah check this out: hey emelyn" "yes ma'am!!!" "explain to jakey how you became a wight" "oh it was awful!!! this demoness wynne came in to the castle and blew UNTOLD amounts of dust and dander into the entryway!!! no matter how much i swept, i couldn't keep up, and died suffocated and crushed under all the dust!!! OH HOW I HATE THAT WYNNE!!!" "well we'll get our revenge on her; do not you worry emmo" "YES MA'AM!!!" Emelyn returns to her training. "terrifying" "and have you met gwendolyn? she's the head of our vampire division" "i'm allergic to vampires" "oh, shame" Michelle crawls into the room from underneath a pile of dust. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 005: Second-in-Command [Leanthe]
Jakey walks into a shack where Wynne had told him her second-in-command was living, and is accosted by an orc. "halt; i am octavia, the guard of this shack; no one is to disturb leanthe's slumber" "it's 2PM" "leanthe likes to sleep at least 25 hours each day" "there are only 24 hours in a day" "she uses a time machine to go back and get that extra hour in" "is she even fit for wartime?" "the power of leanthe's nature attacks in unparalleled; she will be a fully-rested force when the fighting begins" "i'll take your word for it" "yes; we orcs joined up wynne we learned of leanthe's combat prowess" "well the opposing force is full of wights" "bring them on; we orcs will leave them wishing they weren't unkillable" "bold words" "from a bold people" Michelle walks up and falls asleep on the spot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions]

Mission 006: On the Winning Side [Lilith]
"so lilith, tell me: why did you join jezzie's side in the war" "because she's going to win; i expect that vile gremory to try and switch sides when she realises she's losing horribly" "fair enough i suppose" "though i do wish i'd thought to remain neutral like icelia did" "NEUTRAL?! haha!!! hahaha!!!" Icelia glides down from above. "icelia is not neutral; icelia is declaring icelia's intent to join this war" "you're joining with jezzie?" "ha!!! ha ha!!! icelia laughs at you!!! icelia will not be joining a side!!! icelia will be icelia's OWN side!!! and then icelia will claim all the macaroni for icelia's self!!!" "so you're declaring war on both jezzie and wynne" "indeed!!! icelia will emerge victorious in thi-" Lilith begins to immolate Icelia. "AUGH NO!!! NOT FIRE!!! ICELIA'S ONE WEAKNESS!!!" Icelia melts, not to return for two years. "you think she would have tried to freeze gremory or something instead of loudly declaring her intentions to the one demoness she can't match up with" "icelia was never very smart" Michelle walks in and steps in the puddle of Icelia, getting her socks wet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 007: The Black Pits of Evil [Gremory]
"so grem what are you doing for the war effort" "holding this army together is what i'm doing; my sublime, unmatched evil is the glue and our soldiers the macaroni in the beautiful macaroni sculpture that is our army" Gremory begins to laugh maniacally. "can you give me an example of your 'sublime, unmatched evil'" "you are witnessing it now; evil exudes from my pores in amounts untold" Gremory continues to laugh maniacally. "really?" "yes, a mortal man would be decimated by my evil, but you are only alive because of um" Gremory pauses. "why are you alive still?" "oh, the sheriff got for me the diamonds for my birthday before his mysterious disappearance in july" "yes, that must be it; for an un-the diamonded human could never stand to be in the same room as my evil umbra!!!" Gremory laughs manically once again. "i certainly can't stand it" "now behold as i evilly create a new subspecies using my demonic powers!!! this orc and this slime will now COMBINE!!! FORM A SLORC!!!" Gremory laughs maniacally as she grabs an orc and a slime and jams the two together, merely making the orc slimy. "BEHOLD!!! THIS NEW EVIL SPECIES OF SLORC!!!" "i'm not a new species, i'm just covered in goo" "slime" "whatever" The orc reaches for one of her monogrammed towels, which reveals her name to be Oslynn, and Gremory's maniacal laughter stops. "YOU WILL REFRAIN FROM WIPING YOUR FACE!!! YOU ARE NOW A SLORC!!!" "i really don't want this goo to dry in my hair" "it will never dry, for it is part of you now!!! it is what makes you A SLORC!!!" Gremory resumes her maniacal laughter. "just because you keep saying 'slorc' it doesn't make me a new creature" "SILENCE!!! now get in line as i create the rest of your slorcish batallion" Oslynn sighs and forms up behind Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Oslynn missions]

Mission 008: In the Bud [Eleatrice]
"hey eleatrice how's the war going" "i don't know; the least senior demoness in the army is always the one who gets the others coffee" "oh" "so to that end, i am going to recruit a far less senior demoness than myself" "so who do you have in mind?" "this is the home of irona, the demoness of metal" "irona's a demoness? she made me this cool sword though" "jakey that sword is cursed" "what no way" "it's glowing with a black shadowy evil aura and is currently whispering dark spells and enchantments" "is that where the whispering is coming from? i thought that was my entourage" "you don't have an entourage" "really? i just assumed there were constantly like forty people behind me whispering about how cool i am" "yeah sure anyway, give me that sword for a minute" Eleatrice takes the sword from Jakey and begins slashing down Irona's hedges. "ELEATRICE WHAT THE FUCK" "join our army or the rest of your hedges will feel my wrath" "dude i would have accepted if you'd just asked" "oh" "you need to learn something called 'subtlety' eleatrice" "noted" Michelle drops in from above and begins hacking away at the rest of the hedges. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Irona missions]

Mission 009: Recruitment Drive [Wynne]
"i can't believe jezzie's forces are recruiting even more demonesses" "i can; it sounds like a pretty good strategy" "well, two can play at that game; the major demonesses all represent a foundational element of the universe; darkness, fire, water, ice, wind, electricity, grass, metal, and you know what else?" "rock?" "well yes but terraphina smells bad and no one likes her" "light?" "we're demonesses, not angels" "um plasma?" "p-PLASMA?! what the fuck dude NO!!! SNAKES!!!" "snakes are a foundational element of the universe?" "yes? why else would there be a snake demoness?" "maybe they're just making animal demonesses now" "no, that's stupid; no one wants to see a cat demoness or whatever" "fair point" "so i've sent echidna the snake demoness a telegraph message and she should be arriving shortly" Echidna arrives with a handful of balloons and a cake. "what are those for" "the birthday party" "wha-i said dot DOT dash not dot dash dash!!!" "oh" Echidna looks at her cake. "anyone want to split a cake?" "oh fine" Echidna, Wynne, Jakey, and Michelle all dig into the cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 010: Priorities [Emelyn]
"jakey i have come to a realisation: i can't fight the evil wynne's evil forces if all this dust keeps blowing inside" "well you can if you just stop sweeping it" "i'll pretend i didn't hear that; so i have decided that we need to recruit the reclusive demoness that controls gravity: gravella" "i fail to see how those things are related" "if gravella increases the gravity on dust particles specifically, the wind will be powerless to blow them inside!!! with all the extra manpower and manhours we will gain by not having to sweep all the time, we will surely be victorious!!!" "i won't argue" "good; then go find out where she lives and recruit her to our cause; i've still got sweeping to do" "fine fine" Jakey grabs the telegraph directory, and finds Gravella's telegraph frequency. "let's see .... . .-.. .-.. --- / .-. . - .- .-. -.." ".-- .... .- - / - .... . / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.. .. -.. / -.-- --- ..- / .--- ..- ... - / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / ... .- -.-- / .- -... --- ..- - / -- . / -.-- --- ..- / .-.. .. - - .-.. . / -... .. - -.-. ...." "oops um emelyn i think i offended her" "what did you say?!" "i said 'hello friend'" "say it to me in dashes and dots" Jakey does as he is told. "jakey you moron you called her a retard" "oops" "i guess i'll be stuck here sweeping forever" "sorry" Just then, Gravella bursts in. "YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT TO ME OVER THE TELEGRAPH?! THINK AGAIN, FUCKER" Gravella begins crushing Jakey under gravity's pull. "I'M SORRY I THOUGHT I WAS SAYING 'HELLO FRIEND'" "oh" Gravella stops crushing Jakey. "easy enough mistake to make i suppose" "so will you join jezzie's army" "yeah sure" Michelle walks in and throws her ball straight into the air, expecting it to come down. It doesn't. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gravella missions]

Mission 011: Doorprize [Octavia]
"hey octavia, you're looking especially slimy today" "yeah this shit is ridiculous; i am going to go and give gremory a piece of my mind, and then my fists as well" "what about your door-guarding job" "i got stacy to cover for me" Octavia gestures toward a minor demoness sleeping on the ground. "all right, i'll come along to tell everyone tales of your triumphs later" "hey thanks" Jakey and Octavia head for Gremory's tent, where Gremory is, predictably, laughing maniacally. "gremory, we need to talk" "no, you need to go back to your post, slorc" "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SLORC!!!" "there is a little one standing right in front of me" Octavia winds up a devastating orcish punch, but is blasted by Gremory's water powers. "that was a bad idea; now you will drown in your terrible decision" As Gremory laughs maniacally, Jakey swiftly leaps up and slices her in two with the cursed sword he received from Irona. "always hated her" "when you tell the story, can you tell it as me punching her in half rather than getting doused" "oh totally" "thanks you're a peach" Michelle attempts to tape Gremory back together, but does not succeed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 012: The Prime Slorc [Octavia]
Jakey walks up to the slorc barracks, where he witnesses a conversation that does not involve him. "good news odilia, gremory's dead and you can wash up now" "wash what?" "wash that slime off you" "huh? this is part of me; i am a slorc now" "what? that's not a thing" "gremory made it a thing, and i am the epitome of slorcishness" "gremory is dead though" "her memory will live on by her creation; i will strive to be the perfect slorc" "fine whatever; let me into the slorcish barracks so i can tell the others" "no; you will not corrupt my slorcs with your dissenting ideals" "what? none of them truly believe they're an actual new species" "they do believe, after the indoctrination" "WHAT" "you will believe too" Odilia reveals her hypnotic slorcish pendulum, and Jakey leaps into action, slicing Odilia in two with the cursed sword he received from Irona. "thanks jakey i thought i was a goner; nice sword btw, i never saw one cut through an orc before" "yeah it is pretty sweet isn't it" Octavia enters the barracks, and all the orcs are in a trance. "what is going on in here" "get out of here orc" "this barracks is for slorcs only" "oslynn? you were the most vocal against the existence of slorcs" "i don't remember that; how can one be vocal against the existence of her own species? it makes no sense" "you're a slimy orc, not some new creature" "BLASPHEMER!!!" Octavia quickly takes out the slorcish pendulum and de-hypnotises the slorcs before Jakey can finish drawing his cursed sword. "it's okay, no need to cut them down" "uh right" Michelle walks up and pulls out her hypnotic Canadian pendulum. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: Take a Side [Jezzie]
"hey jakey good job on killing gremory and her lieutenant!!! i take this to mean you're joining my army, and i happily accept you!!!" "um no i'm neutral" "despite helping us recruit two more demonesses and killing a demoness on the opposite side" "the circumstances took the decision out of my hands" "so you still hope to shuttle between both sides and have inane conversations with the leaders and soldiers in the war" "yes, that is simply how i roll" "well wynne the enemy leader has you tried as a war criminal, you're free to come crying to me" "uh thanks" "don't mention it" Michelle walks in and comes crying to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 014: Lucidity [Oslynn]
"jakey what happened my head is spinning" "you were hypnotised into believing that you were a new species called a slorc" "oh dammit this is worse than the time i was hypnotised into believing i was a chicken" "yeah at least chickens exist" "well it's over, which is something; i think to prevent this from ever happening again, we orcs are going to have a race war with the slimes later" "good idea; the canadians might have to join you on that one" "thanks, that means a lot; or it might mean a lot, we will have to see" Oslynn looks around. "hey have you seen odilia around?" "i cut her in half" "right but i figured she'd have come back as a ghost or a wight by now" "oh true; that is a strange thing" "oh well i don't know if she'd remain hypnotised while a ghost and i don't know if you can hypnotise/dehypnotise a ghost at all so it's probably for the best" "amen" Michelle walks in, covered in slime. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 015: Hedge Your Bets [Irona]
"jakey my hedges are wrecked" "i'll say" "i'm going to start a hedge fund to go toward the repair of my hedges; would you like to be my hedge fund manager" "i've never managed anything before in my life" "that makes you the perfect candidate; the managerial world is at its lowest point in history" "how so" "people are being trained to manage in woefully inefficient ways and have managed to pick up terrible habits" "sounds terrible" "yes, so i would really appreciate if you could manage to squeeze managing the hedge fund into your busy schedule" "okay" "good; so how much money do i have in the hedge fund" "zero dollars" "damn" Michelle walks in and donates fifty bucks to the hedge fund. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 016: Hedge Your Funds [Irona]
"jakey i need to make a withdrawal from my hedge fund" "is it for hedge-related activities" "no i'm hungry and i want a burger" "then i'm afraid that as your hedge fund manager i can't allow that" "sorry did i say 'no'? i meant 'yes'" "and by 'burger' you meant?" "fertiliser" "you're hungry and you want fertiliser" "yes, two completely separate thoughts" "your hunger is a completely separate thought" "yes" "in the middle of a sentence that begins and ends talking about hedges" "yes" "and also featured you answering in the negative when you meant to answer in the affirmative" "yes i do it all the time" "even though you haven't done it since" "no uh i mean yes" "uh-huh" "can i have five bucks from the hedge fund? mcdonald's is having a 2-for-1 sale" "on fertiliser" "uh yes" "i've never known mcdonald's to sell fertiliser" "they're trying to branch out" "really" "yes" "fine just take it" "sweet" Irona takes the five bucks from Jakey and heads to McDonald's. Michelle, meanwhile, sets down a large bag of fertiliser with a familiar yellow M on it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: Legitimate Questions [Echidna]
"jakey why did you kill gremory" "have you ever spoken to gremory" "fair point but now we're three demonesses vs five" "what about that rock demoness i've heard about" "think of it this way: we intentionally avoided recruiting terraphina, but we recruited gremory" "she can't be THAT bad" "i'll give you her number if you promise to call her while i'm in a different country than you" "i'm kind of scared now" "good; help me instead think of more esoteric elements of the universe" "like snakes?" "what? snakes aren't esoteric" "listen, i'd understand if you were the poison demoness, but a snake is an animal, not an element" "is that what they teach you in human schools? shameful" Jakey is taken aback. "ANYWAY, instead of bitching about snakes, how about coming up with non-standard elements" "uh how about blood or flesh" "gross" "time?" "unfortunately, we have no idea when timera even is" "colour?" "oh yeah, colouria is a good choice, with her giant crayon and all; i'll call her up" Echidna makes a call, and soon Colouria arrives. "i am ready to fight the good fight; our enemies shall experience the waxy taste of defeat" "cool" Michelle walks up and rubs her drawing on Colouria's giant crayon, finishing it and making it ready to go on the fridge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Colouria missions]

Mission 018: It's Party Time [Echidna]
"echidna, are you throwing a party" "yes; i've been thinking about recruiting timera, and have decided that the best way to suss her out from whenever she's hiding is to throw the greatest party in history" "a party so good that none that came before and none that come after will ever compare?" "yes; for this purpose, you will see that i have decorated" "that's a lot of snakes" "thanks i tried really hard" "what if timera doesn't like snakes" "oh pshaw everyone loves snakes!!!" "i can think of several people who don't" "they're just pretending not to like snakes; the japanese have a word for this, but it slips my mind at the moment" "i wouldn't know, i'm not a weeb" "regardless, i have made so many snake-themed party activities and treats that timera is sure to appear" "yeah but when" "well timera is always fashionably late" "in spite of having complete control over time, she's always late" "yes; she figures out the optimal time to arrive, then purposely comes later than that" "so she could arrive anytime" "well i've done the calculations; the party started at 7 PM, so the optimal time to arrive would be at 7:10, when everyone's already settled; thus, timera will arrive around 7:20" "it's 7:30" "well that's distressing" "maybe you don't have enough snakes" "that must be it" Michelle enters the party carrying an armful of snakes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: Excellent [Gravella]
"jakey i have decided to throw a party to recruit the time demoness, timera" "so you're going to suss her out from whenever she's hiding by throwing the greatest party in history" "exactly; a party so good that none that came before and none that come after will ever compare" "so what do you have" "i made a big pile of timera's favourite dessert, chocolate meringue upsidedown gelatin" "never heard of it" "which is why she'll be clamouring for it; i also have her favourite alcoholic beverage: warm beer, on the rocks" "strange but okay" "the party started at 8 PM, so timera will arrive fashionably late at 8:20" Right on cue, Timera arrives at exactly 8:20. "WHAT IS UP GRAVELLA MY DOG" "so good of you to make it" "so good of you to make my favourite things instead of just gluing a bunch of snakes to the wall" The demonesses laugh as Echidna bursts in, her venomous blade shimmering in the disco lights. "i heard you talking shit" "of course; you're the worst demoness echidna" "snakes aren't an element; you're just a weirdo" Echidna rallies her army of snakes, and attacks Gravella and Timera. Jakey's cursed sword hums with a lust for battle, and he ends up decapitating Gravella and Timera before he even knows he's moved. "good work jakey; i knew you liked snakes" "i suppose i must" Michelle walks over and cuts herself a slice of the chocolate meringue upsidedown gelatin. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Echidna missions]

Mission 020: Whose Side Is It Anyway [Wynne]
"jakey whose side are you on? you've killed two high-ranking members of each army" "i'm neutral; i wronged your army by killing gremory and odilia, so i only thought it right to kill gravella and timera to re-even up the armies" "that makes sense i suppose" "i'm actually interested in keeping this war going on indefinitely; if you demonesses are fighting eachother, you're not paying attention to us humans" "that makes a lot of sense; what if i promise to send you cool breezes in the summer if i win and become queen of hell" "i thought there had to be a hellection" "that's only if an outsider kills the current queen of hell; if another major demoness kills the current queen of hell, then that demoness will become queen of hell automatically without all the rigamarole" "and you want to be queen of hell, i take it" "doesn't everybody? i mean, i imagine that's why icelia tried to strike out on her own rather than joining our army" "what happens if one of your army members kills jezzie instead" "then the kill is attributed to me, as all the members of my army signed a contract that all their kills are legally my kills" "i take it you got a good lawyer then" "oh yeah; sheraden flask is the best in the business of hellish legalities" "is she a major demoness or is law not considered one of the foundation elements of the universe" "i've been trying to get her promoted, but no dice" "shame" Michelle walks up with Sheraden Flask in tow. "sign here" Jakey signs the document. "you are now legally required to take michelle home once she says the following phrase:" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 021: Hues and Values [Colouria]
"so colouria i hear you're in charge of the colours of everything" "yes; with my demonic crayon, i can make any object any colour i wish" "really?" "yeah did you know that grass was originally a lavender colour? then i switched it to green but i'm thinking of changing it" "to what" "well i'm thinking of making the grass cerulean, but then i'll have to change water and the sky and i was thinking a nice auburn for the ocean but the sky would be pumpkin orange" "sounds uh strange" "yeah people rioted in the streets when i first made grass green but they got over it" "i can imagine that would be a shock" "did you know that there are secret colours only i have access to that i haven't released to the world yet?" "wow really? what are they like" "oh they're great; i am simply waiting for people to build more shrines to me so i can reward them with the gift of an increased pallet" "makes sense" "when we reached 50 shrines, i released the colour gold and everyone flipped out but in a good way" "what's the reward for 100 shrines" "oh it's a good one; i call it chuldoril" "sounds beautiful" Michelle loudly coughs, revealing a shrine to Colouria she'd made out of mud. "that counts as negative one; i'm taking away puce" "NOT PUCE!!!" Michelle sheds a single tear for what her careless hands have wrought. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 022: Serpents and Snakes [Echidna]
"echidna, what are you up to" "people don't appreciate snakes like they used to, so i am creating a brand new type of snake" "really?" "yes, BEHOLD!!!" Echidna opens a cage, releasing a flying snake. "oh dear lord" "this is the ultimate in snake technology; a flying snake!!! now they can hunt down those damn birds" "you don't like birds?" "they fly so high and sing taunting tunes toward my dearest snakes just because they can't fly BUT NO LONGER!!!" "so what's next? swimming snakes?" "we already have those" "oh right, eels" "wha-EELS AREN'T SNAKES" "how aren't they? they're both long and scary" "eels are like fish or something and have very few characteristics in common with snakes" "ask fifty people on the street if eels are snakes, and no one will disagree (though some will refuse to answer)" "listen, are you going to listen to the common rabble or the demoness whose entire purview is snakes" "you could simply be ashamed of the poor eels for not living up to your expectations, and are trying to disown them" Michelle brings in a tank full of eels for Echidna's snake room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 023: Hot, Hot, Hotter Than Hell [Jezzie]
"well enough playing around jakey; it's time to go to war" "oh thanks for warning me; i'll see my neutral self out-" "oh jakey you make me laugh; irona, initiate the plan" "yes ma'am" Irona activates the cursed sword Jakey holds, and he is marched onto the battlefield, cutting down swaths of orcs, slimes, and dark elves. "JAKEY WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S MY ARMY YOU'RE DECIMATING" "SORRY" "leanthe, initiate the plan" Nothing happens. Wynne glances over to see Leanthe still asleep. "oh for fuck's sake" The valley runs red with blood as Jakey's cursed sword cuts down soldier after soldier without any input from its wielder. Colouria sees the blood-red valley, and shakes her head. "i knew i should have made blood a more aesthetically-pleasing violet colour" As Colouria picks out a new colour for blood, she is cut down by the cursed sword. The sword finally stops cutting, however, inches from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 024: You Know She's Gonna Leave You Well-Done [Jezzie]
"jezzie what the fuck was that" "oh yeah your cursed sword forces you to kill nearly indiscriminately" "why did it discriminate against michelle? not that i'm complaining" "well i figured you might overcome the curse's power if forced to cut down a sibling so i really tried to shy away from that" "but also: why did it cut down gravella and timera when they're on your side" "because i don't have a side; i plan to kill all the other demonesses" "wait wha-" Jezzie whistles, and Irona is cut down with her own enchantment. Eleatrice and Lilith fly up to try and formulate a plan, but are cut down as well. Even Echidna, who was attempting a sneak attack to end the war, is cut down by the cursed sword. "well that just leaves myself and wynne!!!" "what was even the point of making those new undead and traumatising emelyn like that" "oh that was just for fun" "i understand why you're the queen of hell now" "thanks, i try my best" Michelle walks up and boops Jakey on the nose. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 025: Burn You Like the Midday Sun [Jezzie]
"all right now wynne; it's just you, me, and my unwilling soldier with a cursed weapon that can cut down anything (except me of course)" "there really ought to be rules and regulations in wartime" "i'd just break them anyway" "true" "so here's my offer: i have my boy here kill you and you're only gone for two years, or you can resist and i get to try out my new spell" "tempting offer, really, but i think i'll take a third option" Wynne summons galeforce winds, blowing Jakey across the room. "uh you were supposed to be blown away as well jezzie" "oh sorry; maybe next time" Jezzie casts her new spell, banishing Wynne indefinitely. "well she won't be bothering anyone anytime soon" Jezzie dusts off her hands and returns to her throne, where Michelle is sitting. "uh take me home"
[reward: respect +/'I Just Finished A Thing of the Past: Wartime and All I Got Was This Stupid' t-shirt/THE END]