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 A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)

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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)   Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:52 am

CHAPTOUR ONE:
It was a dark and stormy night, as is the norm for this type of story. Hanukkah was drawing near, and all around the world, children and adults alike hung socks and sandals by the fireplace in the hopes that dear old Hanukkah Guy would fill them with presents. The good children would get toys and candy, while bad children would get coal. Good adults would get tax breaks, while bad adults would get a court summons. This year, however, Hanukkah Guy wouldn't come. The spirit of Hanukkah was as strong as ever, but its champion was not. Weak and ailing in bed, Hanukkah Guy feared that Hanukkah wouldn't come this year. Hanukkah Guy turned to his dear daughter and made of her one request. "take the elves and get out of here while you still can; the angry mobs will be here hanukkah morning with their pitchforks and torches" "uh that's a really good idea and all, but what if i delivered the presents instead of you" "THAT'S AN EVEN BETTER IDEA WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT" As his daughter runs off to prepare Hanukkah Guy smiles, knowing that he now has a scapegoat to blame any and all problems on.
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)   Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:53 am

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"all right; sleigh? check; reindeer? check; sack of toys? check; red cap? check; looks like i'm ready to go" The newly-christened Hanukkah Lady climbs aboard the sleigh and whips the reins. The reindeer don't like this, and buck her and the sack of toys off of the sleigh, then run off into the woods. "OH NO HOW AM I GOING TO DELIVER THE PRESENTS NOW" "sigh you'll have to use the jetpack" An elf hands Hanukkah Lady the jetpack. "we don't usually use this because of tradition but it IS faster and more efficient so" "oh thank you so much nameless elf" "anytime" The elf gives a half-assed salute as he walks off. Hanukkah Lady straps on the jetpack, grabs her sack of toys, and rockets off for elsewhere.
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 8492
Age : 24
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)   Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:53 am

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"all right first house; presents for what the list describes as 'the best little boy who deserves the most presents'" Hanukkah Lady does not notice, however, that that entry is in different handwriting, and appears just above a crossed-out entry that says 'give this boy all of the coal'. Hanukkah Lady flies in through the chimney and is greeted by a small, barking dog. "WHAT IS IT BOY" Jakey runs out into the living room wearing a sheet. "just uh here to deliver the hanukkah presents" "YOU'RE NOT HANUKKAH GUY; FIRSTLY, HANUKKAH GUY IS A MALE; SECONDLY, HE IS PUDGY AND HAS A WHITE BEARD" Hanukkah Lady quickly rifles through her pockets for her ID, hoping it will clear things up. "SHE'S GOING FOR HER GUN" Jakey dives at the end table and grabs the gun from on top and unloads an entire magazine into Hanukkah Lady, killing her instantly. Jakey then walks up to the corpse and sees the ID she'd pulled out of her pocket. "ohhhhhh that's-OH OH SHIT" Jakey cuts his hand open and bleeds onto Hanukkah Lady, healing her up and bringing her back to life. "what happened" "you uh fainted when you were uh caught so i uh nursed you back to consciousness" "how sweet!!! you get extra presents!!!" "hooray" Hanukkah Lady leaves dozens of presents for Jakey and for Scraps, and hands a slip of paper to Jakey before she leaves pack up the chimney. Jakey opens the note and finds Hanukkah Lady's phone number. "CHA-CHING i should shoot more girls!!!"
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PostSubject: Re: A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)   Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:53 am

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"okay that could have gone better; next we have a place called 'not-sunny acres apartments' where all the tenants but one are on the naughty list" Hanukkah Lady has made some improvements to the coal-delivery system Hanukkah Guy put in place. Instead of going down into the house and risk being attacked by a naughty child, Hanukkah Lady uses a slingshot to break the naughty children's windows with the coal. Hanukkah Lady then swoops into Gwendolyn's chimney and leaves her a nice present; some exotic blood samples from around the world. Hanukkah Lady continues her trip around the world, leaving King Bran a metric shitload of presents too numerous to list here. She leaves Valerie a new shovel and a flier for a speech coach, and leaves Father Brucie some crosses autographed by Jesus Christ Himself. She leaves Julia a guitar made of pure diamond, allowing it to produce the hardest sounds known to man, and leaves Angew a new aluminum baseball bat. She leaves Layla a new mailbag made of the finest materials, and leaves Sheriff Antony a badge-polishing kit. She leaves Emelyn a featherduster made of the finest peacock feathers, and leaves Deputy Orange a trophy that says 'best runner-up'. She leaves many more presents for many more people, the world over, and then returns home once her sack is empty and all the people have gotten what's coming to them. "HAPPY HANUKKAH TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD AFTERNOON wait SHIT"
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: A Thing Gaiden 15: Hanukkah Lady (2017)   Sun Dec 25, 2016 11:53 am

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"i'm back and i've delivered all of the presents" "cool; thanks" Hanukkah Guy rolls over and goes back to sleep.
THE END
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