One of Those Things (2017)

Mission 075: Want a Little Grace, but Who's Gonna Say a Little Grace for Me? [Special Agent Grace]
"ugh" "what's up" "i just got an assignment to eliminate a threat to national security, and i am normally down for that, but UGH this one's terrible" "let me see" Grace hands Jakey the fax she'd gotten from Spymaster Stu. "uh yeah i was going to offer to do it for you but i don't think i'm the right person for this one; about half the world would be better at this than me" Grace sighs and leaves to get changed. She comes out of her room five minutes later in a Hooters uniform. Jakey whistles at her. Grace is flustered for a moment, then remembers her line. "oh right - tee hee" "that's the least enthusiastic giggle i have ever heard" "oh sorry let me try again - teehee" "better" "okay so you drive while i hide in the back, trying not to be seen by anyone else i've ever met" "sounds like a plan" Jakey gives Grace's right breast a quick "honk honk" for luck, then the two hop into The Motherfucker and head to Hooters. "okay keep the car running" "1: it's not a car, it's the motherfucker; 2: aw man i wanted to go inside and ogle for a bit" "you can ogle all you want on your own time; we are on an important mission!!!" "fine i'll just use the online hooters cam" Jakey uses his phone to look at a live feed of breasts as Grace enters the establishment through the employee door. "oh you must be the new girl; nice rack" "thanks, i am very proud of it" "rarely have i ever seen such a nice rack; you should serve the high-profile client here today" "it would be an honour mr. hootour" Hootour hands Grace a tray and sends her off to take the order of the highest-profile client. "hello mr. national security threatenour" "hello miss; nice rack of tits you've got there" "thank you; i have treasured it all my life" "for good reason" "unfortunately, i also treasure my country's national security" Grace pops a cap in National Security Threatenour, and sprints out of Hooters, diving into The Motherfucker as National Security Threatenour's bodyguards shoot at her. "DRIVE" "just a second i think a nipple is about to pop out" "wait really?" Jakey and Grace stare at the phone's screen as bullets harmlessly bounce off of The Motherfucker. "oh yeah look at that-wait is that a second nipple, like, right below the first" "weeeeiiiiird" While the bodyguards fire all their bullets at The Motherfucker, Michelle walks over and enters the back seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hooters t-shirt]

Mission 076: How Sweet the Sound [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey i am suspicious of this hans character; he is far too charismatic and wins far too many events for my liking" "WHAT i am outraged by your statement in two ways; 1: it is pronounced 'HANS' with a long A not a short A; 2: hans is the best guy" "that's just it!!! how can someone be so consistently great at everything!!! you've got an excuse, as a self-insert mary sue, but hans has NO SUCH EXCUSE" Jakey begins to sweat uncontrollably. No one must know the secret of Hans's true identity. "hey did you hear that someone's at the door" "oh it must be that pizza i ordered for us to share" While Grace goes to the door to collect her delicious pizza, Jakey runs over and slaps a false moustache onto the decoy, making him a Hans decoy. "okay i got your favourite - pepperoni/bacon from-... WHY IS HANS HERE" "i invited him over to show you that he is a really great guy" "hello" "how'd he get in if i was at the front door with the pizza guy" "i came in through the chimney like a santa would" "see santa's a good guy; hans acts like santa; thus he is a good guy" "can't argue with that logic; hans i am sorry for ever doubting your goodness; would you like to stay for pizza" "sorry i can't i have a thing; i will leave the way i came nice to meet you miss grace" "oh well good luck" The decoy salutes Grace and heads into the next room, where Jakey shuts it off, removes the false moustache, and re-covers it with the tarp. Then he, Grace, and Michelle sit down to enjoy some well-earned pizza. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hans t-shirt]

Mission 077: Everything I do, I do it for Stu [Stu]
"jakey i need to submit an invention to the organisation i am a part of - the very awesome group of inventors from northern alabama" "but you're canadian" "actually i'm from the obnoxious celtic country but that's irrelevant; the point is, i need to create a new invention and i am almost done with one but i need a few key components to finish it" "okay just point me in the right direction and i will get the first one" Stu spins Jakey around 78 degrees to the left. "that's a bit more literal than i had intended, but i think i understand" Jakey walks across the street into McDonald's, where Kathy sits behind the counter with her feet up, playing ball and cup. "kathy i need two egg mcmuffins, two plain artisan chicken sandwiches, and a large order of fries and uh throw in the latest happy meal toy (for uh michelle, you know)" "i can't just GIVE you a happy meal toy if you don't buy the happy meal" "maybe i can't change your mind, but a dead king of alabama has a chance" Jakey slips Kathy a large note, and she gives him what he'd asked for. "keep this between us" "yes ma'am" Jakey takes his food and walks back across the street to Stu's lab. "i've got the egg mcmuffins you needed" "sweet; can't invent on an empty stomach" Stu and Jakey feast on McDonald's food, and Jakey unwraps his Happy Meal toy, which is A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT from the hit RPGboot series. Michelle walks over with her own A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT toy and begins to battle against Jakey's. When the battle is finished, Michelle only has three words to say: "take me home"
[reward: respect +/A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT Happy Meal toy appears at safehouses]

Mission 078: My Life Would Suck Without Stu [Stu]
"all right my invention is finished and ready to display in front of the invention committee" "oh boy" The doorbell rings, and Stu hurries off to open the door. Stu invites Inventour, Doorbell Ringour, and Record Keepour inside, and they all crowd around Stu's latest invention. "all right everyone this is probably THE most important invention since uh mountain dew pitch black" "that is a very bold claim" "yes, but i believe it will be substantiated when i pull this lever" Stu pulls the lever on his invention, and after two minutes of buzzing, whiring, and bouncing, the machine successfully revives Jack White. "woah what happened" "OH MY GOD IT'S JACK WHITE" "BUT HE DIED IN THE MOUNTAIN DEW CIVIL WAR ALL THOSE YEARS AGO" "THIS machine was able to revive history's greatest hero, jack white" "oh my god think of all the good we could do with this; we could revive anyone!!!" "we could revive hitler!!!" "uh we'll have to discuss that one" "uh sorry guys this isn't a 'revive a person' machine it is a 'revive jack white' machine; it will only work on jack white" "..." "..." "well you couldn't have picked a better subject to revive i suppose" "you can stay in the guild" "hooray" Record Keepour hands Stu a renewed inventor's license. "i couldn't have done it without jakey and his run to mcdonald's in my time of need (hunger)" "word" "i also couldn't have done it without michelle" Michelle curtseys for the committee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jack White missions]

Mission 079: Caught in the Game [Sophia]
"ALL RIGHT so thanks to the canadian intelligence agency i've got the blueprints for the arby's headquarters here in alabama" "why do they print all building plans on blue paper anyway" "they must have gotten a really good deal on it" "oh yeah that would make sense" "so here's the plan: we go in, bumble our way into the director's office, and kill the board of chairmen of the board" "isn't that a redundant name" "hey i didn't name them" "i'll have to inform them of this before we murder them brutally" "good idea" Jakey and Sophia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the Arby's corporate headquarters, where Kathy sits behind her desk, playing Monopoly with Valerie. "valerie what in the world-" "i-i-i-i was on m-my way to the milk st-store to pick up m-milk (as one does a-at the milk store) a-and miss kathy c-called me inside to play monopoly" "it's not too late to make it a four-player affair" "only if i get to be the thimble" "i want to be the racing car (broom broom)" Jakey and Sophia sit down to play Monopoly with Kathy and Valerie. Naturally, Kathy is the banker. Jakey gets to be the thimble, Sophia the racing car (broom broom), Valerie the doggie, and Kathy, of course, is the sack of money. The four play their game and share riveting stories (some about eyeballs and why they are missing), and eventually someone wins. "oh wow look at the time; everyone's already gone home except us" "oh dammit" "we forgot to accomplish our objective" "oh well there's always tomorrow" "word up my nigga" "b-but i-i-i-i thought i-i-i was y-your nigga" "valerie it is not like 'best friend' or 'master race' or 'highlander' - you can have more than one nigga" "o-oh" Michelle walks over and steals all the money from the Monopoly bank, but Kathy spins around quickly and tackles her. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mr. Monopoly jacket/Valerie missions]

Mission 080: Dangerously Parcheesi [Sophia]
"OKAY now is the time when we take down the board of chairmen of the board" "YES and we will also inform them of the redundancy in their name" "not necessarily in that order" Jakey and Sophia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the Arby's corporate headquarters, where Kathy sits behind her desk, playing Parcheesi with Resistance Leadour. "hey we've got room for two more" "oh shit yeah" Jakey and Sophia sit down to play Parcheesi with Kathy and Resistance Leadour. Jakey takes the green pieces, Sophia the blue, and Resistance Leadour the red, leaving Kathy with the yellow, which she has repainted to be purple. "i knew you would not be able to resist, as even i cannot resist a good game of parcheesi" The four play their game and share in drink and snacks, and eventually someone wins. "oh wow look at the time; everyone's already gone home except us" "oh dammit" "we forgot to accomplish our objective" "oh well there's always tomorrow" "word up my nigga" Michelle walks over and places a pair of cheese wheels onto Kathy's desk, either misunderstanding the name "Parcheesi" or having a joke. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Parcheesi jacket/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 081: The Takedown [Sophia]
"THIS TIME is definitely the time when we take down the board of whatever" "unless kathy and some brunette woman i've never met before ask us to play twister or chutes and ladders" "DUDE we should totally play chutes and ladders" "oh oh oh and we should also play candy land" "FUCK YEAH CANDY LAND" Jakey and Sophia hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the Arby's corporate headquarters, eager to play Candy Land. Unforunately, Kathy is alone at her desk and playing with a Lite-Brite. "aw no board games this time?" "the candy land tournament is tomorrow; invitation only" "WHAT how do i get an invitation" "only the top candy land players in the world get an invitation, so you'd have to dethrone a top player and take their invitation by force" "a daunting task, but one that my unique skills as a self-insert mary sue are well-suited to" "mmm i'll bet" Kathy finishes the message she'd spelt out on her Lite-Brite, and turns it around for Jakey and Sophia to see. "oh wow you know how to write your name" "that's some kindergarten-level shit right there" "did you get it right first try?" "no, my hand slipped and i accidentally spelled it 'KATHU' the first time" "oh well at least you persevered and got it in the end" "mmm" "anyway we should probably do what we came here to do" "oh right i'd already forgotten" Jakey and Sophia use the elevator to get to the top floor, where the Board of Chairmen of the Board are having a meeting. "And I Say That Our Name Isn't Redundant Enough; The Name Should Be Changed To 'The Board Of Chairmen Of The Board Of Chairmen'" "but then we'd have to get all new business cards!!!" "A Sacrifice That Will Prove Worth It In The End, I Assure You" "let's have a vote; all in favour" Robert Truckdriver 573 raises his hand high into the air. "all opposed" String Pullour and John Stamos raise their hands. "motion denied" "Oh Goddammit" The elevator reaches the top floor, and Jakey and Sophia emerge. "SOPHIA?! HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT IT WAS THE THREE OF US WHO WERE YOUR SHADOWY EMPLOYERS" "you just told me" "..." "..." "You're A Fucking Idiot String Pullour" "yeah you're not even half the man your father, chair makour, was" "oh fuck off john stamos like you're any better" "excuse me i am going to kill you, end your reign of evil, blah blah, but first i thought i'd let you know that your organisation's name is redundant" "..." "..." "um thanks?" "you're welcome" Sophia pops String Pullour in the head with Mr. Shooty, while Jakey pops Robert Truckdriver 573 with his magnum. "HAVE MERCY" "if it had been bob saget, i would have" Sophia pops John Stamos right between the eyes. "you did the world a favour" "mmm" Michelle runs into the room and begins kicking John Stamos's corpse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Twister jacket/Chutes and Ladders jacket]

Mission 082: Sweeter Than Candy [Sophia]
"sophie we've got to get into that candy land tournament" "i have done some research and it seems like the two easiest targets to get invitations from would be robert griffin the third and hugh jackman" "hugh jackman? really?" "he tends to get so excited to play candy land that he can't concentrate and make the crucial decisions" "makes sense" "luckily, both men are hanging out at the mcdonald's on destiny street" "how fitting, as we will defeat them and march toward our own destiny!!!" "word" Jakey and Sophia hop into The Motherfucker and peel out toward the McDonald's on Destiny Street. "ALL RIGHT BOYS WE'RE GOING TO PLAY CANDY LAND FOR YOUR TOURNAMENT PASSES" Jakey slams the board down on the table, and the resulting shockwave hurls RG3 out of his seat and onto the floor, breaking his spine. "WHYYYYYYYYY" "uh sorry dude" "OH BOY CANDY LAND" Hugh Jackman quickly chooses his piece and beckons for Jakey and Sophia to hurry up so they can play. The Candy Landers Candy Land as hard as they can, but eventually someone other than Hugh Jackman wins. "aw maaaaaannnn" Hugh Jackman hands the winner his invitation, and plucks RG3's out of his pocket as he lies twitching on the ground, then hands it to the other one. Michelle walks up with her autograph book for Hugh Jackman to sign. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candy Land jacket]

Mission 083: The Grand Tournament [Sophia]
"okay i am prepared for this tournament with all my being" "as am i; i will take home the grand prize (whatever that is)" "it's cute that you believe that, as it is a wrong thing to believe, because i am the one who will be taking home the grand prize" "hilarious joke jakey you should become a comedy-er" "i would but i am too busy winning the tournament to deliver my jokes" "which tournament are you talking about because it certainly isn't the candy land tournament, as i will be the winner of that one" "fat chance; your candy land skills are like that of a small child compared to mine" "that's probably a good thing, as the age range on the box says 3-6" Jakey begins to sweat, as he has dug himself a hole he has no way to get out of. He could resort to calling Sophia hurtful names, such as "fatty", "cheap whore", or "cyclops", but before he can, an announcement is heard over the loudspeaker. "REGISTRATION FOR THE CANDY LAND TOURNAMENT HAS ENDED" "WAIT WHAT" "FUCK" "WE MISSED OUR CHANCE" "WE KILLED RG3 FOR NOTHING" "oh well there's always next year" "yes, next year, i will win the tournament" "hilarious" The two continue their banter, and eventually Michelle walks over, holding her Candy Land champion trophy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candy Land Champion Michelle t-shirt]

Mission 084: Cobblestones [Alabama National Athletics League]
"arrrrrgh cap'n the national cornhole association of alabama be requestin' that cornhole be categorised as a sport" "uh i thought that was illegal" "arrrrrgh cornhole and sodomy be completely different cap'n" "news to me" "arrrgh cornhole be when ye be throwin' beanbags into a board that be havin' a hole in it cap'n" "OH you mean drinky drunky throwy bag" "..." "..." "arrrrgh what" "jesus fuck you've been in alabama so long you're forgetting your canadian heritage!!!" Onyxbeard hangs his head. "listen you all need to go on holiday; visit your homes and families" "arrrrgh yeah i-i think that be for the best cap'n" Onyxbeard leaves to go get packed while Jakey works on a letter to the NCAA. "'hello, your request to have 'cornhole' be recognised as an official alabamanian sport has been received; however, we feel that the name you've chosen for the sport makes it sound illegal, immoral, and against god's law; so it is with a heavy heart that i must deny your application until you change the name of your sport; i suggest the original canadian name of 'drinky drunky throwy bag'; regards, jakey'" Jakey seals his letter in an envelope, writes on the address, pops a stamp onto that shit, and the post lady rushes past, snatching it out of his hand. "god bless that woman" Jakey looks down and notices a package that the post lady had left. Jakey opens it, and inside is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Drinky Drunky Throwy Bag t-shirt]

Mission 085: Too Many Holes [Alabama National Athletics League]
Jakey runs through a massive crowd of people to get into his building, shoulder-first, plowing people over. There is yelling and chanting all around, but Jakey takes no notice. Kathy sits at her desk, looking unkempt, which is particularly odd, as she is usually the picture of kemptness. "I'VE BEEN TRAPPED HERE ALL NIGHT HOW DID YOU GET IN" "through the front door?" "BUT THE PROTEST WON'T LET ANYONE THROUGH" "ohhhhh is that what that was? i just kind of ran through" "listen, they are mad that you have been so mean to their sport" "i've told them once i've told them twice; bulemia is NOT a sport it's a mental disorder" "no it's not the bulemics this time, it's the 'cornhole' people" "but i was polite as FUCK to them i didn't even SAY fuck" "they're claiming that it was named after the inventor/first champion, jack cornhole jr." "i bet the other kids in his school loved him" "ANYWAY can we please end this protest so i can go and get kempt so i can start the rest of my day" "okay this should be easy" Jakey pulls a shotgun off the wall and heads to the door of the building, which is being forced shut by protesters, led by professional protester, Protestour. "hey everyone check this out!!!" The wall of protesters turns to look at Jakey, who aims his shotgun straight at them. "okay kids disperse or i will be forced to shoot" "you're bluffing" "nah" Jakey fires at the man who called him out through the glass door. The rest of the protesters run off, except for Protestour and the leader of the NCAA. "I WILL NOT BE MOVED" "yeah you the man protestour" "i will also not be moved, as the memory of my grandfather, jack cornhole jr., is what drives me" "too bad so sad" Jakey smacks Jack Cornhole IV with the butt of his shotgun, knocking him out. Since the leader of the protest is knocked out, Protestour shrugs, then leaves. Jakey then wipes his fingerprints off the shotgun, curls Cornhole's fingers around it, and calls Sheriff Antony, who takes Cornhole to prison in light of all the evidence. Kathy hops into the Kathymobile Mk. II and speeds off, tossing Michelle out the back of the car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 086: The Same Boy You've Always Known [Jack White]
"jakey while i was busy being dead, my place as 'jack of all trades' was taken over by my eternal rival - jack black!!!" "oh my sister loves that guy" "the 'jack of all trades' polls were always neck and neck but i thought dying as a martyr would HELP my position!!!" "i actually don't think you're elligible for that position in you're dead" "WHAT that's discriminatory!!!" "hey i don't make the rules" "well now it is time; we must campaign to re-establish myself as the 'jack of all trades'" "oh shit yeah" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a campaign van and hops into the driver's seat while Jack White sits on top in a chair and waves to the crowd. Jakey drives off around town, campaigning for any civilians he sees. "a vote for jack white is a vote for jack white!!!" "That Is A Very Good Point I Had Never Thought Of It That Way" "white makes right!!!" "FUCK YEAH WHITE POWER" Jakey continues parading around town, spewing trite campaign slogans while the candidate shows off his waving skills and pearly Jack Whites. Eventually, though, Jakey's campaign van crashes into Michelle's Jack Black campaign van. "uh i was just holding it for someone" Michelle begins to sweat profusely. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jack White - 'Jack of All Trades' t-shirt]

Mission 087: Offend in Every Way [Jack White]
"jakey jack black has taken offense to the interview i did with kathy magazine calling him 'not that cool'" "dude i read that article you went way too far" "well what's done is done and now jack black is challenging me to a duel; winner take all" "oh man what kind of duel" "a rap battle" "DUDE" "sorry i said that wrong i meant a WRAP battle" "wha-" "you know, wrapping gifts for our loved ones" "oh that's uh different" Jakey and Jack White hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the dueling grounds, where Jack Black waits in front of a table of McDonald's chicken wraps. "... wait what" "YES THAT'S RIGHT we are dueling to see who can eat more chicken wraps than the other!!!" "..." "..." "i'm out this is just dumb" Jakey throws his arms in the air, hops into The Motherfucker, and drives off, angry at how dumb his life is getting. Jakey cranks up the radio, waking up Michelle, who was sleeping in the back seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dueling grounds t-shirt]

Mission 088: Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door is calmly opened. Valerie stands at the edge of the door, looking like she's on the verge of tears, wearing a white collared shirt, black vest, grey jacket, black bowtie, and black skirt. "what's the occasion" "th-they want m-me to g-go to a f-fancy dress p-party a-and mingle with th-the other comic book p-people" "that is a surefire recipe for disaster" "i-i-i-i-i-I KNOW!!! i-i-i told them th-this!!! m-many times!!!" "do not worry, valerie; i have a plan that will not backfire at any point ever; you go to that party and i will hide in the ventilation system, feeding you advice - then you can do exactly what i would do!!!" "i-is that r-really a g-good idea?" "no, it most certainly isn't, but it will be fun for at least one of us" "o-okay i-if you s-say so" Jakey and Valerie hop into The Motherfucker and head to the party. Valerie nervously goes in through the front while Jakey climbs into the air vent. "testing one two valerie if you can hear me, touch your nose" Valerie does as she is told. "okay sweet; go talk to that guy" "wh-what do i s-say" "i'd start with 'hello my name is valerie'" "b-but your n-name isn't v-valerie" "..." "..." "..." "... o-oh r-right" Valerie walks up to the guy Jakey pointed out. "h-hello m-my name is v-valerie" "hello valerie i am a wealthy prince of nigeria but i have been stripped of my birthright if you loan me money to get it back i will pay you back tenfold!!!" "th-that does s-sound like a g-good deal" "DON'T DO IT VALERIE IT'S A TRICK" "b-but he seems s-so nice" "he has to or the trick wouldn't work!!!" "a-are you s-sure he j-just doesn't need h-help" "i bet he's not even really a black person!!! tear off his mask!!!" "wh-what n-no i-i-i-i-" "i thought we'd agreed you'd do exactly what i would do!!!" "r-right" Valerie grabs the man's face and tears it off, revealing Kathy underneath it. "WH-WHAT" "godDAMMIT valerie i'm trying to make MONEY here" "b-but th-this i-isn't v-very n-nice" "argh now i have to make up a new disguise i hope you're happy" Valerie begins to shake slightly in place, afraid of the wrath of Kathy. "wh-what d-do i-i-i-i-i d-do n-now" "well this is usually the point where i take michelle home" As if on cue, Michelle appears in the vent next to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nigerian Prince t-shirt]

Mission 089: Cinematic Masterpiece [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door is once again calmly opened. "six in a row without any crashes!!! that's a new record!!!" Valerie tries hard not to smile, which would go against how worried she is. "is this a 'try hard to get you to smile' situation or is it more of a 'listen to what you have to say, then do something dumb' thing" "th-the latter" "well let's hear it" "th-they want t-to make a m-movie based on m-my comic" "you declined right" "i-i-i said i-i'd th-think about it" "well it's best to decline right now; if they make a movie, they'll want a sequel, which won't work because the story is self-contained" "wh-who's to s-say the heroine c-couldn't go on m-more adventures" "do you have any ideas for adventures she could go on" "n-no" "see? you'll end up putting out something subpar, or they'll just get someone ELSE to fuck with your creative vision, and they'll reveal the heroine was secretly black this whole time" "WH-WHAT N-NO" "yes" Valerie scrambles for her phone and calls the film company back. "i-i-i-i-i-i-i n-need t-to d-decline y-your m-movie offer b-bye" Valerie hangs up and realises how big of a bullet she has dodged. "i-i-i th-think i-i-i-i n-need to go l-lie down" "would you like a bedtime story or are you good?" "i-i-i'm g-good" "all right i'll uh see myself out then" "th-thank you s-so much j-jakey" Jakey exits Valerie's house, content that he has helped Valerie out. Michelle runs up to Jakey and slams shut a clapboard in front of his face. "OKAY JAKEY VS. THE FILM INDUSTRY SCENE FORTY - JAKEY TAKES MICHELLE HOME; AAAAANNNDDDD ACTION"
[reward: respect +/clapboard jacket]

Mission 090: Extreme Resistance [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey we have just finished taping my new show" "oh boy and you don't look much worse for wear" "wear resistance is one of my favourites" "i can tell; you have the body of someone three-quarters your age" "i'd go lower but i really don't want to be a teenager again" Resistance Leadour fidgets uncomfortably. "is... something wrong?" "i uh th-this is really embarrassing b-but i um" "yes?" "i-i came across something i couldn't resist" Jakey gives Resistance Leadour a confused look as she bows her head and removes two blue contacts - her natural eye colour. "wha-OH MY GOD" Resistance Leadour looks at Jakey with tears in her now-red eyes. Not red from the crying, red from the vampirism. "i-i-i-i don't know what to do!!! i've never been undead before!!!" "well uh as i see it, you have two options; 1: learn to live with your condition, or 2: try to cure yourself of vampirism, which, believe me, is not easy" "aw man why did you have to say that; i have been working hard on my ability to resist a challenge" "well this could be a great learning experience!!! imagine, you could be the first vampire to EVER resist the killing power of the sun!!!" "DUDE i totally want to do that now" "just uh be careful; you probably won't get a second chance" "noted" Michelle flies up to Jakey as a vampire bat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/EXTREME RESISTANCE jacket]

Mission 091: Scholarship [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey i'm glad you're here i was resisting the urge to call you" "what about" "i've learned of an ancient tome containing the research of the most renowned vampire in the history of them" "count dracula?" "nosferatu you dip" "oh right" "legend has it that this tome holds secrets that would increase the power of any vampire; unforunately, the alabamanian government has deemed these secrets too dangerous to let vampires get their hands on, so they have locked away the tome in the national archives" "that doesn't sound so bad" "the tome is in the restricted section, guarded by feral pit bulls who are rarely fed and also by riddles and traps and that sort of thing" "joy" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the Alabamanian National Archives, where Kathy sits behind her desk, playing a sad song on her fiddle. "what's the occasion" "just practicing; you never known when you'll have to saw away a sad song" "word" "if you will excuse us, we are are going to go nose around in places we shouldn't" Jakey slides Kathy a wad of bills. "i never saw you" Jakey and Resistance Leadour head into the restricted section, and notice that all the pit bulls are dead. "starved to death; how predictable" "normally, i would feel sad because dogs are dead but i always make an exception for pit bulls" Jakey stomps on the corpses a bit, just to make sure they're dead. Unfortunately, one of the pit bulls isn't, and leaps up to attack Jakey. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHIT" "TRY TO RESIST ITS ATTACKS" "IT'S NOT GOING SO WELL" Resistance Leadour looks around and finds a lead pipe, which she grabs, runs over to Jakey, then begins pummelling the shit out of the pit bull. Eventually, it falls dead. "great job res-ow ow OW" "oh sorry i uh got carried away" "it's okay i didn't need that face" "good to hear; now let us solve the riddles and avoid the traps and whatever else" "looks like a robert truckdriver clone already beat us to it" "oh that is so typical" Resistance Leadour stomps up to Robert Truckdriver 14 and snatches the book from his hands. "Wait No Don't I Need That" Resistance Leadour ignores him and walks off. "Doggie Truckdriver - Attack!!!" Doggie Truckdriver does not answer, and Robert Truckdriver 14 looks around confused, until he sees Doggie Truckdriver's corpse right next to Jakey. "What The Fuck You Killed My Dog!!!" "it attacked me first" "You Can't Just Go Around Killing People's Dogs!!!" "i don't; i only kill pit bulls (it's a public service)" "Doggie Truckdriver Will Be Avenged!!!" Robert Truckdriver 14 turns into a bat, but Jakey just shoots him down. "shouldn't you finish him off" "nah if it's not him that bothers me later, it will just be a different one" Michelle walks up to Jakey with a tome containing forbidden knowledge relating to the taking home of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ancient tome jacket]

Mission 092: As Expected [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey i cannot make heads or tails of the ancient vampiric runes present in this tome" "maybe you should take a class or something" "that would take too long!!! maybe you know a 500+-year-old vampire who would be able to read these runes" "oh right yes i do know one of those" Jakey calls Gwendolyn, as one would expect. "yo gwendy we've got some ancient vampiric tome of knowledge and shit here that we need help with" "good timing; macguyver just ended i'll be right over" Soon, Gwendolyn flies through Resistance Leadour's window as a bat. "so what have we got" Resistance Leadour passes Gwendolyn the ancient tome, and her eyes widen. "this isn't-" "it is" "i legit never thought i'd see the day" Gwendolyn pores over the tome, and eventually comes to the most important part. "ah here it is - 'in order for a vampire to withstand the harmful effects of the sun's rays, they must first be able to withstand someone calling them hurtful names'" "OH OH I'M REALLY GOOD AT THIS" Jakey leaps up, excited that his natural talents finally have a chance to shine. "go ahead" "resistance leadour, you are a fucking DUCK" "WHAT why would you say that!!! i am not duck-like in the least!!!" "you can deny it all you like, but it is the TRUTH, you mallard" "NO I AM NOT A DUCK" Tears stream down Resistance Leadour's face as she continues to deny that she is a duck. "this... isn't going well" "yeah and i started with an easy one" "try something else" "okay: resistance leadour you are a terrible person and no one likes you" "i'm okay with that" "wha-" "BUT I'M NOT A DUCK" "i'm not sure this is going to work if she can't handle being called a duck" "yeah maybe we should just have you do it gwendy" "all right hit me" "gwendolyn you are an old hag" "i appreciate the criticism" "also you are obviously NOT a natural blonde" "WHAT YES I AM" "0/10" Gwendolyn leaps onto Jakey and begins to punch him repeatedly. "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT I WAS JUST INSULTING YOU LIKE THE BOOK SAID TO" "THAT'S RIGHT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT" Gwendolyn gets up, dusts herself off, and returns to her seat. "i guess this will never happen then" "i guess not; we all have our soft spots" "not me i am the hardest guy (and i am not just referring to my penis)" "jakey your hair is stupid and ugly" "WHAT TAKE THAT BACK MY HAIR IS AWESOME" "see" Jakey sighs and plops down between Gwendolyn and Resistance Leadour. "you don't really think i'm a duck right" "no" Resistance Leadour breathes a sigh of relief and everyone nods off to sleep on the couch. At the crack of noon, Michelle has made everyone breakfast. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/duck jacket/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 093: Innovation [Resistance Leadour]
Jakey hears a knock at his door. "finally it is time for a delicious pizza" Jakey opens his door, and sees Resistance Leadour. "oh ressie what a surpri-WAIT how did you get here it is still daytime" "i walked" "no i mean why aren't you turned to dust" "OH right i found this magic cloak my mother left me" "and it stops you from dying in the sun?" "yes, with magic" "good enough for me" "me as well; now i can continue my normal life with all of the advantages of vampirism but almost none of the disadvantages" "PIZZA DELIVERY" The post lady hands Jakey his pizza, which he pays for once he confirms that it is, in fact, an edible eight-slice pizza. "will that cloak protect you from garlic poisoning" "i sure hope so" Jakey, Resistance Leadour, and Michelle dig into the hot, delicious pizza. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pizza jacket]

Mission 094: Stand Up for Your Rights [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of a criminal illegally operating a lemonade stand" "the FUCKER" "let us get down there and give them a taste of alabamanian JUSTICE" Sheriff Antony tosses Jakey a shotgun, and grabs one for himself. "aw yeah" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Road Street, where a woman sits behind her lemonade stand. "hello officers / would you like some lemonade / it's only five cents" "HALT YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW; STEP AWAY FROM THE STAND" "this is a joke right? / how is this shit illegal? / it's just lemonade" "LEMONADE MUST BE SOLD BY A PROPER VENDOR, SUCH AS LEMONADEZ Я US" "..." "..." Yuko sighs and does as she's told. Sheriff Antony slaps a pair of handcuffs onto her wrists while Jakey shoots the stand repeatedly with his shotgun. Meanwhile, across the street, Michelle cackles maniacally as she raises the price on her own lemonade. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Yuko missions]

Mission 095: High Alert [Sheriff Antony]
Jakey walks into the sheriff's office, sirens blaring. "what's going on" "it's an off-white alert" Jake is taken aback, as there has not been an off-white alert since 2008. Sheriff Antony hands Jakey his 10.1-foot pole, and those two, Police Officour, and Private Investigatour march out to the site of the off-white alert. "help" "oh god it's horrible" Police Officour throws up onto the victim's lawn. "all right men we need to get this fatty onto a treadmill" The officers take their positions behind the man and use their 10.1-foot poles to jab him out of his house and into the street, his rotund frame rolling down the steps and into the vehicle they'd brought. The vehicle is a sort of mill on treads, designed to navigate harsh terrain. The victim is loaded up into the treadmill and a giant stone roller rolls across his rotund frame, forcing out all the toxins and poor decisions the man has ingested. After just three passes, Crazy Svart is back to his normal, svelte self. "oh man i thought i was goner back there!!!" "all in a day's work" Jakey twirls his 10.1-foot pole around, sending Police Officour and Michelle flying. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Off-White Heart medal/Crazy Svart missions]

Missions 096: Balanced Breakfast [Gwendolyn]
"jakey it's horrible" "it always seems to be, doesn't it" "they've discontinued my favourite breakfast cereal!!!" "oh no it's not rice krispies is it" "uh no" "phew" Gwendolyn hands Jakey and empty box of Bloody Puffs - the cereal made by vampires, for vampires. "most cereals you need to pour blood onto, but bloody puffs is different, as the puffs are made with 100% pure all-natural blood; the way the milk and the puffs combine flavours is just TOO GOOD" "i'll uh take your word for it" "well you'll have to!!! i went down to cerealz Я us and the guy chewing the gum told me they'd discontinued it!!!" "well let's go to the company's headquarters, bribe kathy, find out some stupid shit has happened, then work it out from there" "sounds like a plan" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the Vampiric Cereal headquarters, where Kathy sits behind her desk, playing Pokémon HeartGold. "jesus fuck you damn-ass heracross get into the fucking ball goddamn" "i can see you're busy so i'll just leave the bribe here" Jakey places a wad of bills onto Kathy's desk as she furiously holds down+B, biting on her bottom lip almost hard enough to break the skin. Jakey and Gwendolyn then hop into the elevator and head up to the top floor, where a pile of ash and a wooden stake are all that remain. "..." "..." Gwendolyn hangs her head and puts her hand over her heart while Jakey scans the room. "looks like the room was booby-trapped" Jakey points to a thin broken rope protruding from a breast attached to the wall. "the wooden stake shot out of this metal tube when this poor guy tripped the wire here" "jakey you go scan for more traps while i put the ashes into an urn" Jakey nods and heads into the next room, which seems to be clear. "so do we know who the victim was" "old man roberts, the friendliest vampire you'd ever meet" "why would someone want him dead" "other than the fact that vampires are considered inherently evil by 99% of the population?" "the most recent study said 97.5%" "whatever the point is that it could have been ANYBODY" "hmm" Jakey pauses to think for a moment. "oh man i've got an idea to avenge mistour roberts; you go to the store and get me some red contact lenses while i take michelle home" Michelle's head pops out of a bowl of popcorn. "did i hear that right you're going to take me home right"
[reward: respect +/Bloody Puffs t-shirt]

Mission 097: Revengeance [Gwendolyn]
Jakey walks into the main office of the Vampiric Cereal headquarters wearing a pair of red contacts, having just gotten the factory up and running again. He looks out over the factory and smiles, then sits down in his chair for a celebratory slumber. As he sits down and sleeps, he is crept up on by a brigand, who shoves a wooden stake through his chest. "now that wasn't nice" Jakey grabs the stake and tears it out of his own chest, his wound healing instantly. Jakey twirls the stake around in his hand as the brigand watches in disbelief. The twirling goes awry, however, and Jakey drops the stake onto the ground. "shit just a second" Jakey bends down to pick up the stake, and the brigand begins to run off. "you didn't like the show?" Jakey hucks the stake into the fleeing brigand, piercing his chest and killing him. "no refunds" "now to remove the ski mask and see who this man actually is!!!" "was" "whatever!!!" Gwendolyn flips the brigand over and rips off his ski mask, revealing the face of some guy they'd never met before. "how anticlimactic" "i was kind of hoping it would have been that kathy woman all along" "oh man!!! what a twist that would have been!!!" "oh well" Gwendolyn gives the corpse a little kick. "so i'm going to leave this whole cereal business thing to you; good luck with your endeavours i will be back to check up on it later after i take michelle home" Michelle glares at Jakey from the factory floor. "IT'S NO FUN IF YOU PREMPT ME ASKING YOU TO TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/factory jacket]

Mission 098: Assembly and Production [Gwendolyn]
"jakey um this is embarrassing but i can't get the recipe right" "isn't the machinery all set up to mix everything properly?" "well the random guy here" Gwendolyn kicks the corpse on the floor again. "he must have fiddled with all the dials and such; i checked all the containers, and everything looks about full" "hmmmmm nothing for it but to rummage through every drawer i suppose" "already did that; all i found was this little black book containing phone numbers of chinese restaurants" Gwendolyn hands Jakey the book, and he rifles through it. "'changquan chin's ching chong chinese + prize fightery'" "yeah that struck me as odd too; isn't 'ching chong chinese' redundant" "wait a second" Jakey grabs a lighter from the desk behind him and holds the flame up to the book. "invisible ink" "i had no idea old man roberts was a spy" "well it only says the name of a vampire prize fighter - 'manganese seth' hickory" "i thought they only allowed in people whose names began with their style of martial arts" "well with the rise of mma, they've been letting in 'metal name' wood fighters as well" "back in my day, fighters had simple names like 'the ditchdigger', 'the reaper', or 'chet'" Jakey and Gwendolyn leave the office and hop into The Motherfucker, heading for Changquan Chin's Ching Chong Chinese + Prize Fightery. "ching chong?" "oh yeah i'd like a dinner special #2 with the white rice to go please" Gwendolyn elbows Jakey in the side. "oh right also do you know where we can find 'manganese seth' hickory" "ching chong ching chong chong" "thank you so very much sir" Changquan Chin hands Jakey his food. "you heard the man, you'll have to go in alone gwendy while i sit in the motherfucker and eat this delicious food" "fine whatever" The two split up, and Jakey digs into his delicious food. Meanwhile, Gwendolyn heads into the back room, where all the vampires hang out. Most look to see who has entered, but once they see her glowing red eyes, they turn back, assuming she's dating one of the fighters. Gwendolyn wades through the towels and jockstraps on the floor, and eventually gets up to "Manganese Seth" Hickory. "mistour hickory, i uh-" "is this about uncle roberts" "he's your uncle?" "yeah listen he left me the recipe to keep the business going etc. etc. but you can have it; i enjoy fighting way too much" "thanks i-" "just don't do anything stupid like co-run the company with a non-vampire" "YEAH I MEAN WHO WOULD EVEN DO SUCH A THING??? HA HA HA HA" "i know right" Gwendolyn takes the recipe, and attempts to leave without drawing any attention to herself. Once she is out of the backroom, however, she sprints full-tilt to The Motherfucker. "I'VEGOTITLET'SGO" "but i haven't finished my meal!!!" Gwendolyn presses the "rotate seats" button, sending Jakey to the backseat and her to the driver's seat, and takes off, plowing over everything in her way until she gets back to the factory. Meanwhile, Michelle steals some of Jakey's pork spare ribs for herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Changquan Chin's Ching Chong Chinese + Prize Fightery t-shirt]

Mission 099: Supply and Demand and Crime and Punishment [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i sent off a shipment of cereal to cerealz Я us, but it hasn't arrived yet despite the fact that cerealz Я us is right next door" "uh-oh" "i am afraid that something has happened to that poor truckdriver on her way next door, but i can't go myself as i need to figure out what this flashing red light and this perpetually-spinning gauge mean; also this smoke coming out of this panel probably isn't good" "on it" Jakey exits the building and immediately sees Bailey being stuck up by some members of the vampire mafia. "why didn't i see this before i came in" "ey youse cop step away from the cereal or the lady gets it" "and wese won't just be snacking on cereal then capiche" "loud and clear, your mafiosoness" Jakey steps backward, carefully making sure he steps onto the curb in just such a way that he loses his balance and falls to the ground. "what a maroon" Jakey uses the goons' temporary distraction to huck a singular clove of garlic between the two of them. "oh god" "not like this" The goons scatter, leaving the cereal alone. "glad we cleared that up" As Jakey gets up, Bailey hops into the cab and speeds off. "THANKS" Just as soon as she'd sped up, however, she stops in front of her destination. Jakey is about to chat her up, when a small explosion knocks Gwendolyn out of the office and on top of him. "I FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS WRONG" "crushing" Jakey gasps for air, but is unable to. "windpipe" "oh sorry" Gwendolyn gets up off of Jakey and dusts herself off. "someone had stuck a breadstick in the control panel but everything's okay now" "what about the explosion" "oh that was unrelated" "oh good" Michelle walks up and grabs her breadstick. "i was wondering where i'd left that!!!" Michelle chomps down on her breadstickly treat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/breadstick t-shirt]