One of Those Things (2017)

Mission 100: Employment [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i've been thinking" "i never expected anything less of you" "thanks" "don't mention it" "so anyway while manning this factory by myself is 'rewarding' 'building my character' and whatever else parents say to lie to their kids about the joys of working a real job, it's fucking terrible and i need some employees so i can just sit on my plump round ass all day and reap the benefits of being in the right place at the right time" "as is the dream of any true alabamanian (or canadian)" "so do you have any suggestions" "well the way i see it we have two options: 1. go through a lengthy hiring process and select the best candidates manually, paying them fair wages" Gwendolyn gives Jakey a thumbs-down. "or 2. use robotic slaves that definitely won't rise up and overthrow their masters" "i like it i like it" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Robotz Я Us. Candice is picketing outside for blue collar rights, and has chained herself to the building, not allowing anyone in or out. "yo uh candice what are you up to" "oh you know; protesting this evil shop of livelihood-destruction" "have you ever considered that hiring a robotic workforce would create BETTER jobs for blue collars? instead of working for minimum wage in a factory, you'd be paid ridiculous rates to repair the robots on a house call" "..." "..." "well this is embarrassing" Candice hangs her head, her face red with the hot shame of embarrassment. "so are you going to come down or-" "i uh i'm kind of stuck; i am also having trouble breathing because i think i chained myself too tightly" "okay let me help" "just don't break the chains i'll need them for when i inevitably protest something else" "got it" Jakey circles the building until he finds where the chain is looped, and pulls. Nothing happens, however, because this would be a USEFUL application of his super-strength. Gwendolyn runs up to Jakey holding The Motherfucker's winch. "good idea" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and slams on the gas, which begins to tear up the building itself. "UH JAKEY THIS MAY NOT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA" "WHAT" "I SAID-" As Gwendolyn goes to repeat herself, Jakey successfully dislodges the entire building from its foundation, sending it hurtling across the street, and shattering into a million pieces. Candice is buried by rubble, and knocked out. "..." "..." "i'll go get her out of the rubble while you get the robots" "sigh" Gwendolyn sighs and walks off to the counter, where Taylor chews the same old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum as always. Meanwhile, Jakey digs through the rubble and pulls Candice out before she suffocates. "oh no there's someone else in here!!!" Jakey frantically searches through the rubble until he finally pulls out Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/robots jacket/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 101: Like the Game, if You Lose, Go to Jail [Yuko]
"jakey please help me / i am not built for prison / please help me escape" "it can't be THAT bad in there" "but it really is / my cellmates want to kill me / i am scared of them" "who are your cellmates" "they use pseudonyms / or at least i assume so / golf ball and meat cart" "poseurs the lot of them; don't worry, i will get you out of that den of lies and disrespect" Jakey hangs his head, fist over his heart, in fond remembrance of Meatball and Golf Cart, then heads into the station and just lets Yuko out of her cell. "..." "..." "all right lady it's time for an interrogation at my place over drinks and maybe some food" "you're wasting your time / i'll never tell anything / i will never break" "we'll see about that" Jakey and Yuko hop into The Motherfucker, where Michelle passes Yuko a bottle of whiskey. Yuko smiles and begins to chug the whole thing down. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Tribute to Meatball and Golf Cart jacket]

Mission 102: Actual Interrogation [Yuko]
"all right miss hishida, we can do this the easy way or the hard way; the easy way would be to tell me what i want to know" Jakey spins the lamp so it's shining directly onto Yuko and no one else. "WHO PUT YOU UP TO MAKING THE LEMONADE STAND" "i don't understand / what are you talking about / i needed money" "of COURSE you did!!! why else would you commit such a HEINOUS CRIME" "..." "okay, 'heinous' might be going a bit overboard, but still" "in my home country / lemonade stands are legal / good source of income" "well MAYBE you should have read up on alabamanian law before coming here" Jakey slams his fists down on the table. "hey can i go now / i'm missing my favourite show / it's on as we speak" "you can go free only if you defeat me in a POETRY BATTLE" "what no disgusting / i hate poetry so much / i would rather die" "..." "..." "yuko uh you do realise that uh" Yuko stares at Jakey, angry that poetry has been mentioned at all. "you kind of always speak in haiku" "..." "..." "what no i do not / you are a goddamn liar / please, go fuck yourself" Jakey repeats back what Yuko just said, counting her syllables on his fingers. "oh, fucking wow-ie / that's just a coincidence / i'm sure you've done it" Jakey does that same thing again, but this time Yuko begins to nervously glance from side-to-side. "this is a joke right / you're baiting me into this / this isn't normal" Jakey does it a third time, and Yuko slams her head down on the table. "i hate you jakey / why do you do this to me / please stop this right now" Jakey does it a fourth time, and Yuko leaps over the table to try and beat the shit out of him. Fortunately for Jakey, Michelle enters the room holding a tray of bagels. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lemon jacket]

Mission 103: Seeking Your Roots [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i have decided that it is time to go back to my ROOTS and sell some fucking cars!!!" "good idea; there has been a large line at crazy svart's used autos for a few years now" Crazy Svart peers over the horizon, and notices that Jakey is right. "oh shit" Jakey and Crazy Svart head over to Crazy Svart's Used Autos. "FINALLY I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE SINCE ANOTHER THING" "sorry dude" "listen i am now three years late to lay down my next season of the voice and i NEED a car to get there" "did you have a particular one in mind" "this green one is nice" "all right let us get you all rung up" Crazy Svart leads Cee Lo Green into the office to purchase the car. However, Cee Lo Green was second in line, and the first customer in line is livid that she was passed up in favour of a celebrity. Michelle turns to Jakey and stamps her foot. "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/green car t-shirt]

Mission 104: Seeking Asylum [Crazy Svart]
"HEEEEELLLLLPPPP" Jakey runs to the side of the building, where he sees Crazy Svart being hauled off in a straitjacket. "uh-" "STAND BACK CITIZEN; THIS MAN IS CRAZY" "yeah, i mean-" "FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY, STAY AWAY; DO NOT LET HIM POLLUTE YOUR BRAIN WITH HIS INSANITY" Jakey's face contorts into a visage of pure confusion. "what did he even do to-" "HIS NAME IS FUCKING 'CRAZY' SVART IT'S RIGHT THERE" "..." "..." "fair enough" "WHAT NO HELP JAKEY HELP" "sorry i can't; enjoy your stay at the asylum" "I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE DOLLARS IF YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE" "make it six and you've got a deal" "five-fifty" "six dollars or no deal" Crazy Svart begins to sweat. "ALL RIGHT SIX DOLLARS" "nice" Jakey walks over and decks Asylum Managour, knocking him the fuck out, then tears the straitjacket in half. "whew thanks i thought i was a goner" "six dollars" "would you accept an IOU" "cash only" Crazy Svart grumbles to himself as he digs out his wallet and hands Jakey six one dollar bills. "thank you for" Michelle hands Jakey a further six dollars. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$12]

Mission 105: A Celebration of Life [Construction Candice]
"jakey i am sick of not having any worth as a person in the face of all these robots/white collar shenanigans" "i-" "SO NOW I WILL INITIATE PLAN THETA" "plan theta?!" Grace runs into the room holding a birthday cake. "PLAN THETA ENGAGED JAKEY" "i had no idea it was your birthday candice!!! i thought it was last month!!!" "..." "..." "what" "plan theta; procure birthday cake and celebrate a birthday with it" "..." "..." "um my birthday WAS last month" "then why in the fuck would you engage plan theta!!!" "we can't eat this birthday cake without a birthday!!!" "i-" "QUICK do we know anyone whose birthday is in september" "uh taylor's birthday is on the 30th" "will the cake keep until then?" Jakey holds his head in his hands, deperately trying not to waste the delicious birthday cake. "our course is clear jakey" "yes, we must travel to a parallel universe where candice's birthday is TODAY and celebrate with her there, then return once the celebration is complete" "yes; let us go" Jakey and Grace sprint into The Motherfucker, where Jakey transforms it into an interdimensional travel machine. Jakey inputs his conditions on The Motherfucker's computer, travelling to the closest parallel universe where Candice was born in September instead of August. Luckily, that specific parallel universe is QPU-aligned, making for easy travel. It is a war-torn universe, where battles have been waged for centuries over the last chocolate chip cookie ever made, as the recipe was lost long ago. This universe's version of Candice sits in a foxhole, a single tear streaming down her cheek, as she was drafted into this war and is away from her family on her birthday. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANDICE MARIE PLUMBRIDGE" Grace and Jakey hand PU-Candice her birthday cake, and she smiles for the first time in a long, long time. "make a wish make a wish!!!" PU-Candice does exactly that, and then she, Grace, and Jakey share the delicious birthday treat. "happy birthday to you!!! here's the song that you're due!!! you're such a great friend!!! and we appreciate you!!!" A single tear streams down PU-Candice's cheek, but this tear is very much unlike the one that had directly preceeded it. The first tear was born of sorrow, but this second tear is born of the beautiful joy PU-Candice is feeling for the first time in many, many years. "so uh not to look a gift horse in the mouth (especially when it's such a great horse) but um who are you" "oh right i'm jakey and this is grace; we're from a parallel universe where that version of you requested a birthday cake NOT on her birthday!!!" "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THAT CANDICE, CANDICE" "i am ashamed to share her name and face" "well we'd better get going before we violate casualty or something" "causality" "whatever; happy birthday again candice" "thank you for everything you have done for me, jakey and grace" Jakey and Grace wave as they take back off for their own universe. With renewed morale, PU-Candice gets back to the fight, strengthened by the bonds she has forged. Suddenly, Jakey and Grace return to pick up Michelle, whom they'd accidentally left behind. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/PU-military uniform]

Mission 106: We Built This City [Construction Candice]
"what's all this?" "i was going to tell you, but then you ran off with a birthday cake and a hooker an-" A gunshot is heard as a bullet barely misses Candice's head. "..." "..." "d-did i say 'hooker'? i meant beautiful young lady" "common mistake" "so uh a-anyway i'm accomplishing my life's goal in order to stay relevant as a human being" "oh yeah that's pretty common these days" "i am going to show up those cunts in starship (always bragging about building a city on rock and roll) by building a city on POST-AVANT JAZZCORE" "i don't think they meant that literally" "then i will show them up even harder by actually being literal" A single bead of sweat runs down Jakey's face, as he is unsure of how Candice will achieve her goal. "since i have a bunch of other, actually paying projects on the backburner, i have decided to make it a miniature city" Candice hands Jakey a small house she'd built. "this is the home of benjamin and dorothy, and their children, sandra and thin mints" "thin mints?" "I WAS HUNGRY AT THE TIME AND I ACCIDENTALLY ATE HUGO SO I REPLACED HIM WITH A PACKAGE OF THIN MINTS OKAY" "i'm sure benji and doro can't tell the difference" "look anyway the point is in order to build the city on post-avant jazzcore i need to obtain some" "but the city's already built; if you just place it on the PAJC you won't have just 'built' it on there" "..." "..." "i will dismantle the homes and then rebuild them" "but then dorothy and bengerman won't have a home!!!" "they'll survive i'm sure" Jakey places his fist over his heart and bows his head in sarcastic remembrance of the soon-to-be-deceased. "ANYWAY i need to obtain some PAJC so i'm going to go see the avant gardian" "only the selected and chosen few actually receive anything from the avant gardian; even fewer receive post-avant jazzcore from him" "i'll have to take the risk" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and head to the Avant Garden, deep within Mojavistan. "yo avant gardian can i have some post-avant jazzcore" "sure" Avant Gardian scoops up some post-avant jazzcore and pours it into a little baggie for Candice. "thanks bro" "i will also give you this uh thing" Avant Gardian hands Michelle to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Avant Garden jacket]

Mission 107: Cityscape [Construction Candice]
"all right i have done my best and rebuilt all these homes on this bed of post-avant jazzcore" "and a graveyard?" "not everyone survived the rebuilding" Candice hangs her head. "i will never forget you, fredediah" "so what now" "now they will shoot a television spot on this, induct me into the 'builder's hall of fame' and i will get many, many more lucrative job offers" A knock is heard at the door. "oh that must be them" Candice answers the door and lets the film crews into the house. "here it is" "oh wow it's got little cars and everything" "and i also gave it working electricity; see that little television there playing that hit new movie starring tom cruise and the brown-haired chick" "oh wow she's right" "that was a great movie" "i've got it on blu-ray; let us watch it after we award me with my awards" "sounds like a plan" Candice receives all her awards, included the coveted "complicit in taking Michelle home" award from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Post-Avant Jazzcore City t-shirt/Rachel missions]

Mission 108: Cleaning Up [Rachel]
"jakey i was so excited about the movie premiere that i forgot to ask you for your help!!!" "what with" "well the film studio is haunted" "how long has this been going on for?" "years!!! we just suffered through it to make the movie, but now that we're between films, we should probably do something about the ghost" "okay, is this ghost particularly spooky?" "YES; he keeps going like 'OoOoOoOoO' and telling us to leave and i SWEAR i saw him watching me as i showered" "oh that was me" "oh okay then" "so the obvious thing to do here is to set out some bait" "for the ghost?" "yes, no ghost can resist a plate of chocolate chip cookies" "that's not a trait that is unique to ghosts" "i am aware of that" Rachel calls up her mother. "rachel!!! long time no hear!!! how did your movie go!!!" "it was a huge success!!! i'm actually going on fallon tomorrow night for an interview" "i am so proud of you!!!" "i'm pretty proud of me too" "stay where you are; i will bring over a piping hot plate of chocolate chip cookies!!!" "thanks mother" Jakey and Rachel sit outside the trailer, waiting patiently for Piper to arrive with the bait. Piper arrives swiftly in her station wagon, carrying her tray of cookies. Her breasts bounce upward and downward, forcing Jakey's penis upward. "hello!!!" "hello" "h-hi" The scent of the warm cookies hits the air, and the nearest ghost makes a beeline for the cookies. Claire tries to grab at the cookies, but she can't actually pick them up, due to being a ghost. "IT'S NOT FAIR" Tears stream down Claire's face as she furiously swipes at the cookies in frustration. "OH MY GOD A GHOST" Piper drops the plate of cookies in shock, but Jakey catches them in a diving leap. His face ends up look straight up Piper's skirt, but no one minds, as the cookies are safe. Jakey especially does not mind in the slightest. "oh thank you so much jakey!!! you are a true hero!!!" "y-yes, hero" Jakey stares intently upward as Piper grabs the tray, and walks over him. Jakey doesn't mind too much that she'd left, as he is directly underneath Claire, and is getting a slightly different upskirt shot. "so uh anyway miss ghost are you the one who had been haunting the film studio" "y-yeah but i can't help it; they assign me where they assign me and i have to haunt that or i will be forcefully removed from this mortal coil" "oh man that's rough" "yeah" "jakey you can get up now" "i'm good" Claire looks downward and immediately covers up her underwear, embarrassed. "aw he doesn't mean anything by it; let him be" "yes let me be" Michelle walks over Jakey and grabs a chocolate chip cookie. Jakey did not want to see those underwear, or think about what is within, as those thoughts are immoral and acting upon them is illegal. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions/Piper missions]

Mission 109: Every Day is Exactly the Same [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey i need to go shopping" "i have heard many, many other women feel the same way all the time" "it feels like i've been wearing this light teal turtleneck for years" Jakey looks at Claire's torso, then back at her face. "pretty sure that's a white turtleneck" "WHAT no it's not" "it's the same colour as your hair and eyes" "you're trolling me right? i am being trolled right now; you're one of those trollers i've heard so much about" "what colour would you call them then" "brown and blue just like yours you dip" "we'll have to call a colour expert" Jakey calls up Colour Commentatour, who arrives swiftly. "what colour would you use to describe this girl's clothing, hair, and eyes" "white, white, and white" "WHAT" "it must be the ghost um shit" "i-i-i-i had no idea people saw me that way!!!" "i had no idea you didn't see yourself that way" "i must look like some kind of freak!!!" Jakey compliments Claire for ten minutes straight, hoping that one day they will discover a way for humans and ghosts to physically interact, and he will be able to grope some ghost titties. He feels like they must be soft and maybe even a bit squishy, and he is eager to feel one when technology or magic reaches the proper point. "jakey you have said you like my hair like five times in a row now" "sorry i was saying hair but thinking titties" "fair enough" Michelle walks up to Jakey, covered in white house paint. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghost jacket]

Mission 110: Looking Out a Dirty Old Window [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door. She greets him with enthusiasm and a large smile. "jakey!!! how nice to see you!!! listen i really value your help in recent endeavours!!!" "yes help" Jakey catches most of what Piper is saying, which is a miracle considering how much of his attention is directed at the two gigantic watermelons under Piper's sweater. "i hate to ask so much of you but i really need help!!! the united states has released a new set of stamps commemorating donald trump!!! the trumpster!!! i would love to have these for my collection!!! but!!! i can't go all the way to america myself!!! i don't want to leave my stamp collection behind to be stolen again!!! i also can't take it with me!!! the mugging rate in america is the highest in the world!!! could you please do this for me jakey" "DO NOT FEAR MA'AM I WILL GET THE STAMPS FOR YOU" "thank you so much!!! i have noticed your interest in my breasts so to reward you for your efforts i will let you look at them in all their glory when you return!!!" The second these words are processed by Jakey's brain, he sprints full-tilt out the door. Jakey's body moves far faster than his mind, which remains focussed on the boobs. Jakey runs straight past The Motherfucker, through the deserts of Mojavistan. The intense heat doesn't even faze Jakey, as his body and mind are in no condition to even notice such things. Jakey continues to run, and eventually runs straight across the Atlantic Ocean as if the water were solid land. Eventually, he reaches America, and is stopped by the border guards. "halt you are attempting to access american soil; you are not allowed to do that" These words snap Jakey out of his trance, and he notices that he is standing on the ocean. As he realises this, the laws of physics resume their hold on him, and he falls into the water. Jakey is unable to swim, and is swept away by the current as he drowns and revives over and over, until he reaches the shores of Mojavistan, where Michelle is standing wearing her swimsuit and floaties. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/United States Border Guards missions]

Mission 111: Down Below, the Cars in the City Go Rushing By [United States Border Guards]
"all right nigs step aside; i'm your president let me pass" "you look nothing like president trump (donnie t.)" "WHAT" "you're yesterday's news jakey your term ran out and you didn't even run for re-election!!!" "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW" "we sent you a shitload of emails on your computer in the white house!!!" "..." "..." "listen, i don't know what that is" "..." "..." "have... you ever even been to america before?" Jakey sweats, as he does not want the guards to know about the incident that took place back in 2004. "uh no" "HOW DID YOU EVEN GET ELECTED" "lies and trickery, like every other politician" The guards' eyes narrow and they shoo Jakey back to the neutral zone, where Michelle waits, wearing a Jakey for president 2013 shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey for president 2013 t-shirt]

Mission 112: I Sit Here Alone and I Wonder Why [United States Border Guards]
"okay gracie just how we planned it" "gotcha" Grace struts up to the border guards, disguised as a typical American girl, with the bleach blonde hair and the slutty clothes and the ten-gallon hat. "like oh my god!!! y'all!!! i'm like back from my vacation!!! please let me like in!!!" "we'll need to see your american identification card ma'am" "like here it is!!! y'all!!!" Grace hands the guards the forged I.D. she'd had made. "this is a forgery miss" "WHAT how could you te-um!!! i mean!!! like!!! no it isn't!!! y-y'all!!!" "ma'am please do not embarrass yourself further" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO EMBARRASS MYSELF-uh i mean what a rude thing to like say!!! y'all!!!" The guards shoo Grace off, and she returns to Jakey, dejected that she has failed in her mission. She sits down in the sand next to Michelle, who is dejected that her ice cream cone melted all over her hand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/American Grace pin-up appears at safehouses]

Mission 113: Friday Night and Everyone's Moving [United States Border Guards]
"okay sophie like we practiced" "all right!!!" Sophia walks up and down the border waving Mr. Shooty around. "bang bang" Sophia pantomimes firing it at multiple people. "rat-a-tatta-tatta-tat" "DUDE GUARDS THAT WOMAN HAS A GUN AND IS MAKING SHOOTY NOISES WITH HER MOUTH" "aw she's not hurting anyone" "and she looks like she's having so much fun" "just let her be, man" "..." Jakey looks over at Sophia, who appears to be having the time of her life. "yeah, it would be a shame to cut this short" Jakey walks over and sits on the sand, watching Sophia pretend to murder people. Michelle ducks for cover inside her sand castle and begins firing at Sophia with a super soaker. Sophia whips around and returns fire with actual bullets. Michelle ducks just in time to avoid having her head taken off. "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/sand castle t-shirt]

Mission 114: I Can Feel the Heat but it's Soothing [United States Border Guards]
"thank you for this favour adam sandler i owe you big" "don't mention it; always happy to help" Adam Sandler walks up to the border guards. "hello i am adam sandler" One of the guards looks like he is in physical pain. "why would you do it adam sandler" "wha-" "i still have nightmares about grown-ups 2" "but uh what about how i was a hero in the mountain dew wars!!!" "i prefer mello yello" "..." "..." Adam Sandler slowly backs away, then turns around and sprints off full-tilt. "SORRY DUDE" "curse those americans and their backwards values and beliefs" Michelle walks up to Jakey and offers him a can of Mello Yello. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mello Yello t-shirt]

Mission 115: Heading Down, I Search for the Beat in This Dirty Town [United States Border Guards]
Jakey thinks for a moment about who else he could ask for help, when he suddenly remembers someone he'd forgotten about, and pulls out his phone to call him. "yoooo crazy svart i need your help here at the american border an-" Before Jakey can finish his sentence, Crazy Svart has erupted from the beach's sand, eager for some screentime. "uh hey" "hello" "uh can you go bargain your way into america to buy me some donnie t. stamps" "CAN I" Crazy Svart runs over to the guards and places his backpack on the ground. "hey hey i'm selling some fine used leather jackets; take your pick we're got black brown red blue you name it we've got it" "do you have beige" "uh we've got tan" "i'm not interested" "but they're basically the same thing!!!" "basically only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" "i-..." Crazy Svart sighs and returns to Jakey. "i am sorry" "i can't believe you don't have any BEIGE that's one of the three primary colours of jackets!!!" Crazy Svart crawls back into his hole, dejected. Michelle walks up to Jakey wearing a beige leather jacket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/beige t-shirt]

Mission 116: Downtown, the Young Ones are Going [United States Border Guards]
"ALL RIGHT JAKEY I'VE GOT ANOTHER PLAN" Grace eagerly stares at Jakey with her arms bent upwards so her hands are next to her face, wanting desperately to prove herself useful. "all right; show me what you've got" Grace clenches her fists excitedly, and runs off to get into her disguise. "yo guards i'm here to clean the post office" "what no you're not; janitour is currently cleaning the post office" "wha-WHAT" "he's doing a great job too" "sorry but we will not be needing your help" "MAYBE I'LL JUST CLEAN YOUR CLOCK INSTEAD" Grace tries to lunge at the guards, but Jakey grabs her and drags her back to the beach. "you can clean my clock if you'd like" Michelle hands Grace a small metal alarm clock. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/clock t-shirt/clock jacket]

Mission 117: Downtown, the Young Ones are Growing [United States Border Guards]
"yo emmy could you help me get past these border guards and buy some stamps" "oh yeah i'll just pretend to be cleaning the post office and buy the stamps for you" "uh grace already tried that-" "WHAT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D HAVE SOMEONE ELSE PRETEND TO BE A MAID FOR YOU!!! THAT'S MY THING!!!" "she didn't tell me what her plan was before she acted on it though" "i will forgive you this once but NEVER DO THAT AGAIN DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME; MY CHARACTER NICHE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME" "fine whatever do you have any other ideas of how to get past these guards" "no as my entire thing was crudely stolen from me" "oh well thanks for the effort anyway" Emelyn storms off, still upset, while Michelle walks up to Jakey drinking a slushie. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/slushie t-shirt]

Mission 118: Bright Lights; The Music Gets Faster [United States Border Guards]
"okay ressie, just like we'd planned" "got it" Resistance Leadour sits in front of the border guards and begins to resist their attempts to keep Jakey out of the country. Jakey attempts to walk straight through them into the country, but they hold their arms out, clotheslining him. "..." "..." Resistance Leadour looks at the guards, confused out of her mind, then notices blue bands around their wrists. "OH NO THEY ARE DECKED OUT IN THE LATEST IN ANTI-RESISTANCE TECHNOLOGY" "WHAT" "i'm so sorry jakey even i cannot resist that technology without more training!!!" Resistance Leadour runs off, crying in embarrassment and shame. Michelle walks up to Jakey and is unable to resist the urge to ask him to take her home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/resistance resistance band]

Mission 119: Look, Boy, Don't Check Your Watch; Not Another Glance [United States Border Guards]
"all right clairie, this should be a cakewalk for someone with your talents" "right" Claire phases through the guards, and successfully enters the post office. "all right!!! now all i have to do is grab the-..." Claire stares at the stamps, clearly within her reach, realising that she cannot even grab them, as she is incorporeal. Claire dejectedly floats back to Jakey. "i am sorry i could not grab the stamps due to being a ghost" "couldn't you have posessed them?" "what was i supposed to do as the stamps then? adhere to a surface?" "sorry i just it's frustrating you know" "oh i know, believe me" Jakey and Claire wallow in self-pity for a while until Michelle walks up and plops down where Claire is sitting. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cakewalk t-shirt]

Mission 120: I'm Not Leaving Now, Honey; Not a Chance [United States Border Guards]
"hello friendly guards how are you today i would like to make a donation to the cause" Jakey hands each guard a hundred Alabama Fun Bux. "thank you for the donation" "can i come in now?" "no" "SHIT" Jakey kicks a rock, sending it flying right into Michelle's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/US Border Guard donation t-shirt]

Mission 121: Come Closer, Honey; That's Better [United States Border Guards]
"JAKEY THIS TIME I AM SURE I HAVE THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM; AFTER ALL, THEY DO SAY THAT THE THIRD TIME IS 'THE CHARM'" "all right grace give it a shot" "yesssss i will not let you down!!!" Grace dons her third disguise, dressing up as a US border patrol guard. Grace then heads out to work her magic on the guards. "hello i am here to relieve you" "great i was needing some relief" The guards open up their bodies and take out their bladders, handing them to Grace to ring out. "..." Grace sighs, dejected, and walks off to ring out the bladders. Instead, though, Grace just hucks the bladders into the ocean, where Michelle catches them in her mitt. "STRIKE THREE YOU'RE OUT OF THERE" Michelle rings out the bladders and tosses them back to the guards. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/strike three t-shirt]

Mission 122: Got to Get a Brand New Experience; Feeling Right [United States Border Guards]
"all right this is sure to work" Jakey grabs a long pole and sprints at the guards, digging his pole into the ground and attempting to vault over them. However, one of the guards grabs Jakey's pole and throws it to the ground, sending Jakey hurtling face-first into the ground. "OW FUCK" The resulting shockwave topples Michelle's sand castle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pole vault t-shirt]

Mission 123: Oh, Don't Try to Stop, Baby, Hold Me Tight [United States Border Guards]
"JAKEY I CAN BE USEFUL I PROMISE PLEASE LET ME TRY AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE" Grace begs on her knees for a fourth chance, as she cannot let her honour as a Canadian special agent be destroyed like this. "okay give it go; i'm certainly out of ideas" "YESSSS" Grace runs over to the guards, then gets on her knees again and begins to beg them. "PLEASE LET JAKEY INTO THE COUNTRY THIS IS MY HONOUR ON THE LINE PLEASE HAVE PITY" "ma'am please back away from the border, your tears are staining my shoes" "I'LL STAIN YOUR SHIRT WITH YOUR FUCKING BLOOD YOU FUCKER" Grace begins to leap up to attack the guard, but Jakey tackles her before she can, dragging her out to the beach again. "LET ME AT HIM I CAN TAKE HIM HE AIN'T SHIT" Michelle walks up and gives Grace a nice sedative, putting her to sleep. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sedative t-shirt]

Mission 124: We're the Kids in America [United States Border Guards]
"this is a long-shot but it's the only option i have left" Jakey sighs and walks back up to the border guards. "hello i am the prince of canada and would like to have a discussion with your president about the option of peace between our two countries" "ah yes prince jakey that would be nice let us go meet president trump" The guards call for the royal Canadian limo to take Jakey and the Canadian ambassador stationed in America to the White House, where they will meet with President Trump. "prince jakey we have been expecting you!!! it is good that we are doing this because the americans were getting restless at having an embassy with a nation they are constantly at war with" "uh sorry who are you?" The woman looks at Jakey with a confused look on her face. "i'm the canadian ambassador to the united states, natalie belrose" "oh yes a very important political uh person sorry i was just uh testing you!!! listen since you are important and the canada/united states relations are also important i believe i will need to have your phone number in order to discuss politics with you maybe over drinks at the bar or a nice dinner at a restaurant" "the way you nervously stumble around asking me on dates is almost endearing!!!" Natalie hands Jakey a slip of paper with her phone number on it as they reach the White House. "hello canadians!!!" "hello president trump!!!" "what brings you here today" "do you want the honest answer or the bullshit answer" "they do say the honesty is the best policy" "i need the president trump collector's stamps" "are you a stamp collector too?!" "yes" "amazing!!! i happen to have an extra set of stamps!!!" President Trump hands Jakey a mint set of the Donnie T. stamps. "i like the cut of your jib let us have peace between our two nations" "anyone who collects stamps can't be a bad guy i accept" Jakey and President Trump shake hands, ushering in a new era of peace between the two nations. Jakey says his goodbyes and hops aboard a plane back to Mojavistan. "he actually did it the absolute madman; he made america great again" A single tear streams down his face as Michelle plops down next to him and plays on her GameBoy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/access to the United States!!!/Make America Great Again t-shirt/Make America Great Again hat/vague relationship with Natalie/Piper missions]