A Thing Gaiden 1: King Jakey (1983)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"so you say you were attacked by a guy named chuck who was looking for the diamonds" "yes sheriff antony he even hit me with a plank; i hope you are going to catch that guy for his gross misuse of planks during a nationwide shortage" "yes, and we will need help to catch such a monstrous criminal" Sheriff Antony drops a small burlap sack on the table. "jakey these are the second-most powerful gemstones in the world, the rubies" "really? all i see is a burlap sack" "they are inside the burlap sack" "ohhhhhhhhhhhh" "jakey take these gemstones into your body and fulfill your thing i want you to do" Jakey opens the burlap sack and pours the rubies into his mouth. "they taste like cough syrup" "dude let me try some" "no they're mine fuck off" "aw man" Sheriff Antony hangs his head. "hey look over there" "what what am i looking at" Sheriff Antony snatches one of the rubies and pops it into his mouth. "delicious" "what was that" "i said it must have been a weather balloon" "fair enough" "now go; adventure with impugnity"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"come on boy" Jakey hikes through the Canadian wilderness with his dog, a black and white siberian husky named Iron Jeff. "oh my god" Jakey stands in awe as the shifting snows of the Canadian wildnerness have revealed an ancient igloo buried beneath the snow for generations. Jakey cautiously enters the igloo, carefully avoiding the ancient Canadian traps with his Canadian instincts. "these ancient canadian hyroglyphics tell me that this igloo was built around the first century after the death of our lord, jesus christ" "bark bark" "right you are iron jeff; let's press onward" Jakey goes into the deepest chamber of the igloo and sees a man frozen in ice. "oh dear" Jakey rushes over to him and inspects his frozen body. "he looks human but a bit... off" "bark" "you're right iron jeff his image is probably being distorted by the ice he's encased in" Jakey turns his head and sees a red button with the word "THAW" written beneath it. "since i don't know how or why this happened, the best thing to do is to hit the button anyway and see what happens" "bark bark" "right" Jakey slams his palm down on the button, causing the man to thaw instantly. "Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Foolish Canadian I Have Been Awakened At Last" "hello" "Hello" The man shoves Jakey right over walking past. "My Name Is Robert Truckdriver; I Will Find The Brick And Lay Waste To The World With Its Awesome Power" "what are you going to chuck it through a window or something" "Maybe But Only After I Have Exhausted Its Incredible Power" Robert Truckdriver leaves the igloo, then collapses the entrance. "FUCK"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"how will we ever get out of here boy" "bark bark" "there's an idea" Jakey taps the ice bricks that make up the walls of the igloo with his walking stick, eventually finding one that makes a different sound when tapped. Jakey shoves the brick out of the way and crawls through, then helps Iron Jeff through. "we've got to get home and warn the sheriff" "bark bark" Jakey and Iron Jeff sprint across the frozen tundra as only a trueborn Canadian can, and then they make their way to the Sheriff's office in downtown Delaware. "WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOOOOOO" Sheriff Antony shoves his arms to the sides, meaning to outline the destruction of his office. "WHEN I SAID 'ADVENTURE WITH IMPUGNITY' I DIDN'T MEAN 'AWAKEN AN ANCIENT EVIL'" "ohhhhhhh you should have been more specific" "well you should use the power of the rubies to stop robert truckdriver before he does something ridiculous like clone himself" "we don't have the technology do we?" "you'd be surprised"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Hear Me Canada I, Robert Truckdriver Prime, And My Army Of Robert Truckdriver Clones Will Find The Brick And Use Its Terrible Power To Lay Waste To The World, Or Something Like That" "Hello" "Hello" "Hello" "GODDAMMIT IT'S ALREADY BEGUN; NOW THEY'RE A RACE AND I CAN'T SPIN GENOCIDE FROM A P.R. PERSPECTIVE" "a 'p.r.spective' you mean" "NOW IS NO TIME FOR PUNS JAKEY" "sorry" "i guess we'll just have to wait for a master of public relations; someone with her own magazine; preferably a hot blonde" "well i'll be on the throne of canada if you need me" "i'm sure i won't"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"so which of my fine lady friends should i see tonight; malorie the mortician? emily the janitor? tracy the navy SEAL? cadence the subcontractor?" "How About Robert Truckdriver Prime" "no offense dude but you're not my type; my type is women" "Could Have Fooled Me" "oh that is IT" Jakey grabs his gun from his pocket, but Robert Truckdriver Prime shoots him square between the eyes before he can aim. "Sayonara, King Jakey" The Rubies completely restore Jakey's body to its normal (alive) state, and he quickly fires at Robert Truckdriver Prime, the bullet lodging itself in his heart. "Master" "Master" Robert Truckdrivers 2 and 3 rush to Robert Truckdriver Prime's side and carry him to the hideout, where they rebuild him into their headquarters as the master of their operations. Meanwhile, Jakey reaches a decision. "so yeah i'm thinking i'll call malorie" Jakey dials the phone, and it rings on the other end. "DAH" Malorie makes a loud crash as she struggles toward the phone. "h-h-hello?" "yo malorie i was just thinking of you and i was thinking that you and i should-" Michelle slides in between Jakey and the phone. "take me home"
THE END