Oblivious: Thieves Guild

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hidely ho cell neighbourino!!! i see you are a haughty altmer, and a hottie altmerette at that!!! you're going to die soon, of course, but i'll talk to the guards; we wouldn't want those high and mighty titties to go un-fondled now, would we?"
"mr emperor sir through here this is the cell with the secret escape route" "wait why is there a prisoner in here" "i'll take care of it" Glenroy draws his sword and winds up for a devastating slash on our heroine. "HOLD GLENROY" "mr emperor sir?!" "you would strike down a defenseless altmer in incredible pain? psylia here needs an ice pack right away after that horrible fall from heaven" "sir?" "oh fair altmer maiden, please allow me to pump you full of my royal seed so i may create a beautiful bastard" "sir we don't have time for this; you're about to be assassinated" "oh fair enough i suppose; i've got that other bastard anyway" The Emperor hands Psylia the Amulet of Kings. "a present for my dream date" "uh-" "if you need to verify its authenticity, just take it to jauffre at the weynon priory; i'd love to continue our conversation, but i've got a date with a mythic dawn blade; ciao" The Emperor exits Psylia's cell, and, true to his word, is assassinated. Psylia soon is released from jail.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"hello my name is psylia i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to join the thieves guild" "never heard of it" "you're armand christophe, right? i was told you could hook it up" "are you a cop? you legally have to tell me if you're a cop you know" "i am not a cop" "fine meet me in the garden of dareloth at midnight" "the what now" "that little walled-in patch of grass" "kind of a grandiose name for such an underwhelming patch of land" "we're a secret society of underground criminals; we're not going to have a flashing neon sign that says 'SECRET THIEVES GUILD HQ'" "you could at least plant some flowers if you're going to call it a garden" "i'll get right on that"
"okay, everyone's here so let me tell you how this is going to work: all three of you want to join the thieves guild, and there's only one open spot in the club so we're going to have a race: whoever brings me the diary of amantius allectus wins" A lizard named Amusei raises his hand. "isn't that biased toward people who live here" "imagine that: the top secret thieves club wants members who know the layout of the city; what a world we live in" Just like that, one of Psylia's competitors, the bosmer woman, runs off and Psylia follows her to a house. The bosmer picks the lock, and heads for a desk, so Psylia sprints in and grabs the diary while her competition is crawling around. "WHAT THE FUCK!!! you just followed me and stole the diary from right under my nose!!!" "imagine that: sneaking around and following someone to steal something for the thieves guild; what a world we live in" "fair point"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"congratulations psylia, you have returned with the diary and are now a full member of the thieves guild" "yay hooray" "so your first job is this: go to cheydinhal and steal the bust the count had commissioned of his dead wife; we've got a buyer lined up willing to pay top dollar, and as a finder's fee, we're going to pay you bottom dollar" "sounds good"
Psylia soon returns from Cheydinhal with the bust, and the place is crawling with guards. "HAVE YOU SEEN ARMAND CHRISTOPHE" "never heard of him" The guards run positively amok, to and also fro. "psst psylia nice bust" "thanks; it's genetic" "i meant the bust of the countess" "oh yeah that's pretty sweet too; so where's this bottom dollar i was promised" "there was no bottom dollar to begin with; we tricked you into stealing the bust in order to trick the guild's rat into reporting this to the guards, but the tables are about to be turned!!! plant the bust in myvryna areno's board of cups, then tell hieronymus lex about it and then we'll scrounge up some bottom dollar for you" "fine fine"
"hey mr hieronymus lex sir i found that bust inside of myvryna areno's board of cups" "preposterous; she's my (wo)man on the inside, but i'll bite" Psylia and Lex head for Myvryna's house, and, sure enough, the bust is inside of the board of cups. "miss areno!!! you've been diddling me this whole time!!!" "um, yes? we frequently rent rooms in the flowing bowl-" "i'm not talking about THAT; i'm talking about this bust" "yeah it's pretty modest but we can't all be high and mighty busty altmer like psylia" Lex slaps his face with his hand and slaps some handcuffs onto Myvryna. "oh, is it that time already?"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"congratulations psylia, you have diddled the diddler" "can we please stop saying 'diddled'" "the grey fox asked me to specifically ask you to retrieve a book for him" "why? is he banned from the library?" "no, this book cannot be found in the library" "oh, is it one of those pornographical texts where if you cross your eyes, the words look like a large pair of tits" "could be; i wasn't informed of such functionality, but i wouldn't put it past the grey fox; go to skingrad and find theranis; he's bungled this job so we're giving it to you to un-bungle" "i've done a lot of bungling, but i've never un-bungled before; should be fun"
Psylia arrives in Skingrad and heads to the local prison, where most bunglers end up. Psylia finds a cell with a familiar lizard man. "amusei? how's my favourite bungler" "i had finally met a kindred spirit; a bungler named theranis who actually managed to make it into the thieves guild, but he was taken away and never came back!!! i think the vampire lady got him" "vampire lady?" "yeah, the count of skingrad keeps a vampire lady in his wine cellar; it's really weird" "i'll say" "so listen: you bust me out of here and kill that vampire lady, and i'll tell you where that book is" "i already know exactly where it's stashed; underneath theranis's pillow at the inn" "lol, lmao; you dolt, you clearly don't know that the book is hidden behind nerastarel's house" "oh, damn" Psylia tosses Amusei a lockpick and heads to Nerastarel's house.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"congratulations psylia, you have returned with the book, and the grey fox himself wants to talk to you at this address" "oh boy" Psylia heads to the address. "hello psylia; i need you to help me steal an elder scroll from the highly-guarded imperial palace, full of traps, tricks, and blind monks who are kind of dumb" "you mean one of these?" Psylia produces an Elder Scroll from her back pocket. "wha-how did-what-" "i went on a vacation in skyrim recently; they sell these at the gift shop, and one place even had a big bowl of them you could just grab one from" "seriously? but my plan was so cool" "it's made a lot less cool when you can just go to skyrim and receive three for the price of one at the riverwood trader" The Grey Fox crumples up his plan and leads Psylia to Anvil, where he removes the curse of the Grey Fox from himself, becoming Count Corvus Umbranox again. "so are you happy to be uncursed?" "i guess; i'm mostly just disappointed that it was so easy" "yeah you think elder scrolls are just so ridiculously rare and cool and then you go to skyrim and they're all over the place" Count Umbranox sighs and slunks down in his chair.
THE END