Oblivious: Mages Guild

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hidely ho cell neighbourino!!! i see you too are a dunmer, and a beautiful dunmerette at that!!! i'll talk to the guards to get you transferred to my cell so i can motorboat those titties before your inevitable execution"
"mr emperor sir through here this is the cell with the secret escape route" "wait why is there a prisoner in here" "i'll take care of it" Glenroy draws his sword and winds up for a devastating slash on our heroine. "HOLD GLENROY" "mr emperor sir?!" "you would strike down a defenseless dunmer who can barely even stand? poor nephiah's legs are so weary from running through my dreams all night" "sir?" "oh fair dunmer maiden, please allow me to pump you full of my royal seed so i may create a beautiful bastard" "sir we don't have time for this; you're about to be assassinated" "oh fair enough i suppose; i've got that other bastard anyway" The Emperor hands Nephiah the Amulet of Kings. "a present for my dream date" "uh-" "if you need to verify its authenticity, just take it to jauffre at the weynon priory; i'd love to continue our conversation, but i've got a date with a mythic dawn blade; ciao" The Emperor exits Nephiah's cell, and, true to his word, is assassinated. Nephiah soon is released from jail.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to join the mages guild" "okay you're in" "just like that? you're not wary of my ex-conliness? i could just want to create a huge death ball spell" "well you can't access our spell-making machines or the arcane university in general until you gather recommendations from all seven mages guild halls across the country" "isn't that a bit excessive?" "be thankful that kvatch burned down; we used to have to get an eighth recommendation, and that one was a doozy" "a doozy? how so" "the guild hall head believed that the daedra would come and rain fire down upon kvatch, killing everyone, so he demanded all prospective mages guild members gather two of each alchemical reagent while he built his great ark" "how was an ark going to protect him from raining fire?" "i asked him that once and he said we'd see who'd be laughing on judgement day, but it came and went and he's certainly not laughing" "it must suck to be clairvoyant but also very stupid"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in leyawiin" "you come for words dear child?! sorry but i'm fresh out" "huh?" "i'm so lost in thoughts and all alone and the words don't visit like they used to" "uh-" "so many voices cry out at once and it's really annoying" "i'm going over here now" Nephiah beats a hasty retreat. "so you've met our guild hall leader dagail huh?" "how the hell did that nutcase get to be leader" "THAT'S WHAT I, KALTHAR, HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS!!!" "so what are you going to do about it" "well i've stolen dagail's amulet!!! without it, she's even crazier!!! but it's been several months and nothing has changed" "you're small-time kalthar" "excuse me?" "your plan is absolutely ridiculous" "how so? i thought my plan was pretty ingenious" "and just look at the results you've gotten from it!!! you may as well have waited for her die of old age" "so what are you suggesting" "just bump her off" "pardon?" "KILL her" "ohhhhh that's a great idea; i'd have never thought of that" Kalthar immolates Dagail. "i'll write you up a recommendation right away friend!!!"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in brazil" "bravil" "yeah that" "well i, kud-ei, am glad to hear it; i've been hoping some random associate would come by to do my job for me; ardaline is simply beside herself ever since varon vamori stole her mage's staff and i was really bummed out thinking i'd have to do something about it myself but - sweet serendipity - you've appeared to do it for me" "so you want this varon guy whacked?" "WHAT no just get him to give back the staff" "so torture then?" "no; just use your feminine charms on him" Kud-Ei opens up Nephiah's blouse. "show some tit, show some leg, you know" "i can see now why you didn't want to do this yourself" "indeed, varon isn't into lizard tits"
"yoohoo varon vamori" Nephiah leans against the wall haughtilly and blows Varon a kiss. "listen miss: you're absolutely smoking hot and everything, but i only have eyes for my dear ardaline" "which is why you stole her most valuable posession" "yes; i wanted to steal a feel, but the saucy little minx wanted something in return, so i settled on ransom" "saucy? ardaline? she refuses to make eye contact with anyone and quickly beats a hasty retreat if spoken to" "her sauciness boils below the surface, just waiting to spill over" "yeah sure; just give me the staff so i can trade it for a recommendation" "fine but let me honk them a bit" "whatever" Nephiah stands still as Varon Vamori honks her tits a bit. "here you go" "thanks" Nephiah grabs the staff and turns quickly in such a way that she bonks Varon Vamori on the head with it as she turns.
"i've got the staff back kuddy" "great; here's your recommendation" "sweet" Kud-Ei trades her recommendation for Ardaline's staff, then immediately begins crying. "A BLOO BLOO BLOO" "wha-" "PLEASE HELP" "uh-" "MY FRIEND IS TRAPPED IN A WORLD OF HIS DREAMS!!! A BLOO BLOO BLOO" "uh i'm leaving now" Nephiah does her best Ardaline impression and beats a hasty retreat.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in skingrab" "skingrad" "yeah that" "well i'm awfully BUSY see and i need to see erthor immediately so go find him wherever he's hiding and i'll get around to writing your recommendation someday" "sounds good" Nephiah begins asking around the guild hall. "erthor? our guild hall master adrienne sent him away after he accidentally summoned a horde of zombies that terrorised skingrad for an entire month; he should be in a cave just outside of town" "oh thanks" "don't mention it; try not to trip over any zombies"
Nephiah enters the cave to see it full to the brim with zombies. "braaaiiiinns" Nephiah carves a swath through the zombie horde with her lightning spells, and reaches Erthor. "GET BACK ZOMBIE!!!" "i'm not a zombie" "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT A ZOMBIE WOULD SAY!!!" "no, a zombie would say 'braaaiiiinns', then immediately leave because there aren't any in this room" Nephiah grabs Erthor and pops him over her shoulder as she returns to Skingrad. "HELP GUARD I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY A ZOMBIE!!!" "that's not a zombie, that's a dunmer" "EVEN WORSE!!!" Nephiah slams Erthor down in front of Adrienne. "can i have my recommendation now" "fine fine i'll fill it out soon-ish when i'm not so busy"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
Nephiah heads to Anvil, the next city in her clockwise trek around Cyrodiil. She is stopped, however, by the sounds of screams and fiery death. "STRANGER HELP!!! you look like a powerful wizard of some sort!!! please help us save kvatch!!!" "not my problem" "WHAT!!! but the unassuming priest martin is inside the city!!! you need to dive into the oblivion gate and save him!!!" "he's voiced by sean bean; he'll die regardless of what i do" "but-" Just like that, Nephiah passes straight by Kvatch.
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in anvil" "okay so: there is a rogue mage killing merchants at an inn just outside the city; we want you to suss him out and put an end to the killings; off you go" "isn't this a job for the imperial watch" "off you go" "but-" "off you go" Nephiah trudges out of the guild hall and off to the Brina Cross Inn.
"oh good you must be the witch that carahil sent; so our super-secret plan is this: first, you loudly exclaim to everyone at the inn that you're a merchant; you spend the night, then leave and the rogue mage will attack you; off you go" "i was hoping for more detective work and less being bait" "off you go" Nephiah sighs and heads inn. "HELLO EVERYONE!!! I AM A MERCHANT!!! TRADE TO ME YOUR WARES!!!" Nephiah rubs her hands together as she approaches the counter. "HELLO INNKEEP; I AM A MERCHANT AND WOULD LIKE YOUR BEST ROOM FOR MERCHANTS SUCH AS MYSELF" "right away ma'am" Nephiah only stops rubbing her hands together to place the room key between them as she heads for her room to get a nice sleep. She awakens one hour later and leaves the inn. "MERCHANT, HALT!!! you thought you were being sneaky to avoid my robbing gaze, but you have fallen into my carefully-laid trap!!! surrender your wares and gold or i will drop you where you stand" "oh, but it is YOU who have fallen into MY carefully-laid trap!!!" Nephiah looks around, expectantly. "oh, was that my cue?" Arielle lunges at the rogue mage, striking her down. "i will report your success to carahil; good work associate" "that makes one of us"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in chorrol" "oh good i'm glad you came; my ex-girlfriend earana is in town and i think she's stalking me from the bushes? go and find out what she wants please" "can do!!!" Nephiah exits the guild hall and heads out to the nearby bushes, where Earana is skulking. "hey nice bush" "thanks; i get a lot of compliments on my bush no matter where i go; say, can you help me out? i'm looking for a book and the library is out of copies but i hear tell of one located on a nearby hilltop" "on it" Nephiah heads up to the nearby hilltop and finds a charred corpse clutching a book. "fingers of the mountain? sounds erotic" Nephiah opens the book, but she can't make sense of any of the contents. "oh no i've become illiterate!!!" Nephiah rushes down the mountain and hands Earana her book. "you didn't read it did you" "no, i'm illiterate" "nice" Earana skips off with her new book, and Nephiah enters the guild hall to report her success. "did earana tell you what she wanted" "yeah, she wanted some weird book called fingers of the mountain but i couldn't read it" "FINGERS OF THE MOUNTAIN?! oh no no no that's my smutty fanfiction!!!" "fanfiction of what" "dibella and akatosh!!! i can't let earana read it!!!" "uh i already gave it to her" "OH NO!!! you must steal it back!!! i'll give you a recommendation if you do!!!" "you can count on me" Nephiah runs over to Earana, tackling her to the ground and pilfering the book from her bag; after which, she returns to the guild hall. "here you go sir" "thanks; earana and i originally broke up because she ships dibella with molag bal and that's just weird man"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in bruma" "oh good i was playing hide and seek with j'skar and i can't find the fucker!!! he probably hid in cheydinhal or something because i never bothered to set an out-of-bounds; could you find him for me?" "so he could be anywhere in cyrodiil" "anywhere in tamriel, honestly" "he could be enjoying some nice mead in whiterun, or be on an island adventure in stros m'kai" "yeah good luck"
"psst hey i heard you're looking for my boy j'skar" "do you know where he went?" "he's in the basement" "oh, convenient" "but also: he's invisible" "okay, that makes a lot more sense; i thought the guild hall leader was just retarded" "well she is; jeanne can't function without her special annotated basic magic book; so i was thinking you go and steal that from her office and i'll-" "what was that?" Nephiah drags a fully-visible J'skar up the stairs by the scruff of his neck. "oh goddammit i should have said he was in alinor" "should have; i have no clue how i'd get all the way to summerset isle" Nephiah drags J'skar up to Jeanne. "i'll take my recommendation now" "coming right up; and don't forget me when you make arch-mage"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to earn a recommendation from your fine guild hall here in cheydinhal" "yes fine; another STUPID RETARD ASSOCIATE just like you lost a very important ring of mine down a well; go jump in one" "right away!!!" Nephiah heads outside and leaps into the well, where she finds a corpse wearing the ring in question. "jesus this thing weighs like a thousand pounds" Nephiah stuggles mightily, but drags it into the guild hall. "here's your ring dude" "oh, associate; it's terrible!!! i confronted falcar about the suicide mission he sent you on and he just got really mad for some reason!!! let's go check his room and see if he wrote you a recommendation already" "okay fine" The two head into the basement, where Falcar's room sits. "oh dear; black soul gems!!! falcar's a necromancer!!! i never would have guessed given how his demeanour changed so rapidly once hannibal traven became arch-mage and outlawed necromancy" "hindsight is 20/20" "indeed; i'll write the recommendation myself then" "works for me"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"ah, nephiah the ex-con dunmer; we have reviewed your file and the recommendations you've gathered, and welcome you to the arcane university!!! i am raminus polus, your boss" "boss? i thought this place was like a hangout for the cool mages" "haha no; put on your robe and we'll get down to business" "fine fine" "first up: you are to create your very own mage's staff; this is a symbol of your status as a mages guild member in good standing; go to that island over there and get some wood" Nephiah turns around and heads out.
Nephiah returns, slightly singed, with her wood. "so uh news: there were a gaggle of necromancers on the island" "THOSE GODDAMN NEGROMANCERS!!! they'll be the death of civilised mage society as we know it!!! i will discuss this with the arch-mage; hopefully we can figure out a final solution to the negromancer problem" "sounds good" "also: i'm promoting you to journeyman" "sweet"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"oh good nephiah; i need you to return to skingrad and retrieve a book about those goddamn negromancers from the count; he borrowed it from our library and hasn't returned it" "oof those late fees will be astronomical" "indeed; to spare him the embarrassment of having to return with an overdue book, we'll just send you instead" "smart"
Nephiah arrives in Skingrad, and enters the castle. "hello i am the castle's steward, mercator hosidus; how may i help you" "i'm with the mages guild; the count borrowed a book and we need it back" "oh i see; brb" Mercator leaves and returns shortly. "the count wants you to meet him outside the city walls at midnight" "that sounds fishy as hell" "well the count is a fishy guy" "fair enough i suppose"
Nephiah arrives at the appointed place at the appointed time. "ha HA YOU FOOL!!! you've bumbled right into my TRAP!!! you absolute simpleton!!! you rube!!! you neanderthal!!! you ignoramus!!!" "oh no i've been hoodwinked" "YOU'VE BEEN DIDDLED BY MY INTRICATE WEB OF FALSEHOODS AND DECEIT!!!" "i hate being diddled" "do not worry, for this diddling is the last diddling you shall ever receive!!!" Mercator rushes at Nephiah, but she burns him to death with her new staff. The count rushes in. "YOU FOOL!!! YOU ABSOLUTE RUBE!!! whatever posessed you to think i'd meet you out here of all places?! you absolute BUFFOON!!!" "look, do you have the library book or not?" "THERE WAS NEVER ANY BOOK!!! it was all a ruse by your guild to make sure i'm not in league with the negromancers!!!" "I'VE BEEN DOUBLE-DIDDLED!!!"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"sorry about that neph; i will be sure to diddle you no longer" "i'm not sure i trust you" "what if i promote you to evoker" "conjurer" "deal; could you do me a favour though?" "what would that be" "could you check in on the bruma guild hall? they haven't reported in in days" "fine fine"
Nephiah returns to Bruma to see the guild hall on fire. "i hope that's just a party that went too hardy" Nephiah enters the hall to see everyone dead, but she can't find J'skar's body anywhere. "here kitty kitty" "i'm right here" "GAH" Nephiah leaps twenty feet in the air as J'skar's disembodied voice rings out from a position of invisibility. "i saw him; the king of worms" "ew" "he has returned!!! mannimarco!!!" "polo" "i must go tell archmage traven right away!!!" J'skar runs off.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"nephiah i have good news and grave news" "what's the good news" "you've been promoted to magician" "nice; what's the grave news" "the negromancer's amulet is missing" "what" "the negromancer's amulet is an artefact of great importance to the negromancers; caranya took it but she looked positively SHIFTY when she did it so i'm sending you after it because i am far too busy standing around" "i'll do it but only if you give me two promotions" "deal"
"hello friend (: welcome (: caranya's at the back (:" "um okay cool" Nephiah walks up to another mage further into the structure. "hello friend (: welcome (: caranya's at the back (:" "this is starting to freak me out" Nephiah heads further and further into the structure, every mage she passes saying the same thing. "hello friend (: welcome (: caranya's at the back (:" Eventually, Nephiah reaches Caranya at the back, as previously indicated. "hello friend; are you here to join our necromancer club?" "what? no i'm here to retrieve the negromancer's amulet" "that's a really hurtful slur you know" "oh i know; i'm glad it hurts you" "how dare you" "soon, archmage traven will come up with a final solution to your ilk; i dearly await that day" "ILK?! we are not an ilk!!! draw your staff!!! ENGARDE!!!" Nephiah immolates Caranya and all of her friends, retrieving the Necromancer's Amulet.

CHAPTOUR FOURTEEN:
"good job neph; you've been promoted again to warlock" "aren't you forgetting something?" "calm yourself for a moment; breathe in that warlock air, as your time at this rank will be brief" Nephiah takes a deep breath. "nephiah, i hereby promote you also to wizard" "sweet" "your next task is to retrieve the one and only colossal black soul gem from your old buddy, falcar" "oh that fucker has had it coming for five chaptours now"
"hello my name is nephiah i am a recently-released ex-con and i would like to retrieve the colossal black soul gem from your immolated corpse" "cute; the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed associate returns, but this time as a full-fledged wizard, but i no longer have to conceal my power level; my necromantic abilities will spell your doom, associate!!!" "necromantic? what, are you taking me out to a candlelit dinner?" "cute; ATTACK, MY ZOMBIE MINIONS!!!" Nephiah immolates one and all and retrieves the colossal black soul gem.

CHAPTOUR FIFTEEN:
"nice black soul gem; it's certainly a biggun" "so they tell me" "i've been instructed to promote you to master-wizard and introduce you to the archmage finally" "oh boy oh boy" Nephiah teleports up to the archmage's chambers. "hello my name is hannibal traven, and i have been monitoring your progress; i believe you are ready to execute the final solution to our negromancer problem, but for that, you will require the final promotion" "wait you don't mean-" "yes; i hereby promote you to ARCHMAGE!!! gtg" Archmage Traven immolates himself, storing his soul in Nephiah's colossal black soul gem. "well that was unexpected, but i will always remember him as an hero; i suppose me and traven's soul have got to go kill mannimarco" Raminus pokes his head up from the lower floor. "polo"
"ah so you have come, archmage, but not in the form i expected; i always knew traven was too craven to face me head-on!!! he an heroed in order to avoid facing me, THE KING OF WORMS!!! MANNIMARCO!!!" "polo" "STOP THAT" "okay" Nephiah immolates Mannimarco, using his natural Altmeri weakness to magic against him. "you think a guy with a weakness to magic would have tried to make enemies with the fighters guild or something"
THE END