Fallen Off (for the third time)

CHAPTOUR 101
"happy tenth birthday son; everyone's gotten you presents" "oh boy" "ATTENTION VAULT RESIDENTS: IT IS I!!! THE OVERSEER!!! YOUR GOD!!! BOW BEFORE ME!!! now child, you are at last ten years old so i expect to see you reporting in bright and early for work tomorrow" "huh?" "those shoes won't make themselves" The Overseer walks off, his ego barely fitting through the doorways. "hello little gordon; happy birthday!!! i got you the sweetest of rolls" "oh boy i love rolls, especially sweet ones"
"happy sixteenth birthday son; it's time to take the test that will determine the course of the rest of your life" "oh um oh boy?" Gordon walks down to the classroom, and sees his peer, Amata, getting sexually harrassed by the vault's most feared gang, the Tunnel Snakes. "hey guys what's going on here" "the tunnel snakes are about to run a train on the overseer's porky little daughter" "CHOO CHOO" "keep up the good work boys" "TUNNEL SNAKES RULE" Gordon enters the classroom and receives his test questions. "'who is the most important man alive? the one whom everyone relies on? if he were to die, the vault would be thrown into CHAOS" "[Intelligence] that would, of course, be butch deloria, the leader of the tunnel snakes" "that's not an option" "well i can't be expected to choose one of these four options, they all suck" "really? because personally i find them to all be great in unique and interesting ways" "explain" "well, option A is the overseer, who is our lord and saviour; option B is the overseer, who is the light shining in the darkness; option C is the overseer, whose holy light illuminates the path forward; and option D is, of course, the overseer, to whom we owe our very lives" Gordon rolls his eyes and marks random answers before handing it in. "let's see here; your career will be self-help book author" "strange choice but i can dig it"

CHAPTOUR 102
"happy nineteenth birthday gordon; your father has escaped the vault and the overseer has gone fucking nuts and is killing everyone" "i knew this day would come" "you did?" "i am going to do what i should have done a long time ago" Gordon rushes into the overseer's office and beheads him with a swift crack of the bat, then exits the vault, ready to represent the Tunnel Snakes to the world at large.
"hello and welcome to megaton; we built this city we built this city we built this city on a nuclear bomb" "what why" "seemed like a good idea at the time" "you are insane" "perhaps" "psst hey kid my name is mr burke and i'd like for you to detonate this town's nuclear bomb - from a safe distance, of course - to remove this blighted burgh off of the map for good; it is aesthetically ghastly" "and an irradiated crater has such better feng shui" "see, finally, someone understands; take this detonator and do what must be done" "decisions, decisions"

CHAPTOUR 103
"hey sheriff good news: i disarmed the bomb" "sweet" "also: mr burke tried to pay me to detonate the bomb but i weighed my options and decided not to do it" "oh that fucker!!! i knew his ominous voice and cool suit were suspicious!!! follow me friend and i will show you some wasteland justice" Sheriff Simms heads to the saloon to confront Mr. Burke. "STOP YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW" "that's my line; you've violated the law of aesthetics" "follow me to the prison" Sheriff Simms wisely turns his back to the shady criminal, and is gunned down. "natural selection at its finest really"
"hewwo mr vault dweller~! :3 i'm moira brown!!! i'm working on a book to help people survive in the wasteland~! :3 i'd be pleased as punch if you'd help me out~! :3 many punches in fact!!! X3" "oh sure sure; i was told from a young age that this would be my destiny" "yay~! :3 go stand in that irradiated puddle for ten minutes so i can see how you mutate!!! X3" "what have i just agreed to"

CHAPTOUR 104
"okay that was ten minutes" "yay~! :3 let me get you patched up X3" Moira drops some magnets into a glass of milk and has Gordon drink it. "yay~! :3 good news is you're alive!!! X3 bad news is you've mutated and now have a sixth toe; sowwy~ ):" "well at least it's over" "that's the spirit!!! :3 now could you go to the grocery store for me? we're all out of milk after your radiation incident~! X3" "fine fine"
Gordon returns with the milk and seven new bullet holes. "the grocery store was full of junkies with guns" "oh oops~! X3 should have mentioned that~! :3" "if that's everything then i'll be leaving now" "no no wait~! :3 i need you to go play around in a minefield!!! X3 and while you're out there, pwease collect for me a landmine~! ;3" "listen, moira, this book is a joke, a terrible, terrible idea that should have stayed locked away in the recesses of that incomprehensible mind of yours; call it off" "..." "..." "you're right; i'm sorry" "huh?" "i should have known better than to have a dream; i'll be here, staying in my lane, fixing things and selling other things; it's all i'm good at" "uh moira? are you okay?" "yes yes; go on, live your exciting life; i'll just sit here and stop daydreaming about making people's lives better; i'm simply not cut out for it" Gordon leaves the store, feeling kind of bad now.

CHAPTOUR 105
"hey barkeep have you seen my father around? about this tall, voiced by liam neeson" "oh te prodigal son returns now does he? yes i've seen your fater, and i'll even tell ye where he went far one-hundred caps" "seriously? you're making a lost boy who's never even been outside before pay for information about his only family?" "ye, i am; and i must say, tree-hundred capperydoos is a small price to pay" "THREE-HUNDRED CAPPERYDOOS?! you said one-hundred!!!" "yes, well, questioning me business model is grounds far a price increase tere sonny boy" "on an unrelated topic: do you keep a journal/diary" "oh ye ye ye, a man like me's gotta keep his toughts in te written form; ye never know when some down-on-his-luck wastelander's gonna come in and offer te buy such a ting" "and i imagine you'd store it on a locked terminal" "oh ye ye for sure; tat kind o information's gotte be locked up nice and secure in me terminal" "password-protected?" "ye naturally; i keep me password safely guarded in me pants pocket, with a backup in me cupboard, which is naturally locked as well" "okay just checking to make sure your security is tight; [Speech 43%] i'll be back with the 500 caps" "[FAILED] better make it 700" "oh sure sure" Gordon waves as he walks into the back room, picks the lock on Moriarty's cupboard, and uses the password inside to access the terminal. "oh boy he went to see GN'R; i love axl rose"

CHAPTOUR 106
"hey could you do me like a huge favour? deliver a letter for me to my family in arefu" "gesundheit"
Gordon makes his way to Arefu, and almost gets his legs blown off. "sorry i thought you were someone else; come in, come in" "i've got a letter from lucy west to her family" "oh go on then,they live at the end of the bridge" "thanks" Gordon enters the West residence and turns right back around. "they appear to be dead" "all three of them?!" "i only found two" "oh those bastards must have killed the west family and kidnapped their son!!!" "i need to go rescue him and deliver to him lucy's letter because THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!"
Gordon finally finds Ian West inside an old train tunnel. "hey sport hey champ i'm here to rescue you" "huh?" "yeah, i blasted all those assholes who killed your parents" "wha-WHAT" "oh you didn't know? i'm sorry for your loss" "no you dipshit I KILLED MY PARENTS" "say what" "THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! MY RAVENOUS HUNGER!!!" "that's called being a teenager retard" "no, i am a VAMPIRE!!! i crave the taste of fresh blood!!!" "okay, you're a goth teenager; i have a letter to you from your sister" "my sister? oh how i miss her and her beautiful neck" Gordon pumps Ian West full of lead. "yeah i'm just going to tell everyone the goth gang killed you too"

CHAPTOUR 107
"mister mister you've got to help me!!! my hometown is infested with fire-breathing ants!!! you've got to rescue my father!!!" "that sounds sketchy as hell but what the hell let's go"
"yes, it was i, PROFESSOR LASKO!!!, who genetically engineered these ants to breathe fire!!! it was totally an accident however" "how do you make a mistake like that?" "well i was trying to make the ants smaller through the generations, like they used to be before the bombs dropped, but it turns out that the smallness genome is right next to the fire-breathing genome" "who'd have guessed" "certainly not me; it's okay though, i never make the same mistake twice" "yeah, next time, you'll make them breathe nuclear bombs" "perhaps!!! that, my friend, is the excitement of science!!! you oft expect one result, but get a completely different one and have no idea why!!!" "which is why most experiments have control groups" "sorry i forgot"

CHAPTOUR 108
"oh a new vault!!! how exciting!!!" Gordon enters the vault, and is greeted by a set of identical octuplets. "gary" "gary?" "gary" "gordon!!!" The Garys turn to Gordon with a murderous glint in their eyes, and begin to attack. "note to self: never enter another vault again"
Gordon heads north, mistaking it for south, and runs into a fight between two rival gangs. "YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ME CORNERED, DIDN'T YOU, THE MECHANIST?! BUT LITTLE DID YOU KNOW THAT I, THE ANTAGONIZER!!!, AM UNCORNERABLE!!! YOUR MECHANICAL MACHINATIONS ARE NO MATCH FOR MY GIANT ANTS!!!" "LO!!! BUT IT IS YOU WHO ARE WRONG, THE ANTAGONIZER!!! I, THE MECHANIST!!!, HAVE DEVISED TECHNOLOGIES THAT NULLIFY YOUR ANTLY PHEREMONES' EFFECT ON MY MACHINATIONS!!! CEASE YOUR EVILDOING AT ONCE OR PREPARE TO BE CEASED BY FORCE!!!" "YOUR TECHNOLOGIES ARE AS FLAWED AS THE FLESHLY ABOMINATIONS WHO LIVE IN THIS TOWN!!! I HAVE USED NATURAL INCENSE AND HERBS TO MAKE MY ANTS' PHEREMONES UN-NULLIFIABLE!!!" "JUST KISS ALREADY" Gordon covers the nearby child's eyes as The Mechanist and The Antagonizer act upon Gordon's suggestion, the man and woman inside each costume knowing that a race of cyborg ants is the key to the planet's future.

CHAPTOUR 109
Gordon finally arrives at GN'R, excited to finally meet Axl Rose and even Slash, now that the feud is over. "YO WHAT IS UP MY NIGGAZ!!! TREE DAWG IN DA HOUSE!!!" "you are not axl rose" "never heard of him; you must be james' boy; boy howdy, have i got a deal for you" "it's always a deal isn't it" "see, i am the most important person in the entirety of washington DC, and i need soldiers to fight the Good Fightᵀᴹ" "what the hell is the Good Fightᵀᴹ" "see, some people are doers, and some are speakers; i am the one who inspires others through my words so they may take action" "[Intelligence] so you use your voice to fight the Good Fightᵀᴹ on Galaxy News Radioᵀᴹ" Gordon is taken aback. "what, that was the [Intelligence] prompt?! by [Intelligence], does the pip-boy mean 'zero intelligence'? because that was retarded" "no, it was brilliant; please go and help me fight the Good Fightᵀᴹ by adjusting my satellite dish" Gordon grumbles as he climbs to the roof.

CHAPTOUR 110
Gordon at last arrives in Rivet City, where Three Dog told him his father went. "golly gee whiz!!! i sure hope he's here this time instead of somewhere else!!! and i certainly hope that this dr li lady doesn't give me the runaround like the mick and the nigger!!!" Gordon walks up to Dr. Li. "oh hey kiddo; you looking for your father? he's at the jefferson memorial" Gordon is taken aback by Dr. Li simply telling him what he wanted to know. "will you marry me" "maybe later"
Unfortunately, the only living creatures at the Jefferson Memorial are super mutants. "typical" Gordon finds a bunch of recordings, leading to the next and hopefully final stop on this wild goose chase, Vault 112, located in scenic Smith Casey's Garage.

CHAPTOUR 111
"AYO LET ME IN NIGGA" "for the last time, 'roy', we don't let your kind into tenpenny tower, no matter how much money you've stolen" "ayo das racis nigga" "call it whatever you want" Roy Phillips begins to storm off. "man fuck dose tenpenny tower fools not lettin me in just bcuz i'm black uh i mean a ghoul" "why do you want so badly to get into a place full of people that hate you" "once i'm in i can kill dem all and takes what's mines!!! reparations nigga!!!" Gordon shoots Roy Phillips dead, and immediately loses karma. "what? he just threatened to kill an entire tower full of people" A nearby radio finishes its fiftith play of Crazy He Calls Me in a row. "AYO ITS YA BOY TREE DAWG!!! AWOOOOOO!!! now let me tell you niggas about the SCUM OF THE EARTH dat cracka from da vault jus killed a brutha for wantin to get ahead dem ghouls are good boys who dindu nuffin!!! remember, dis is TREE DAWG an i need mo caps for dem broadcasts"

CHAPTOUR 112
Gordon finally enters Vault 112, and is greeted by a robot. "hello: resident, and welcome to: vault: 112; please take: your complimentary: vault suit, and take: a seat inside: the tranquility lounger" "i could go for some tranquility right about now" Gordon sits down inside the lounger and is taken back to a simpler time.
"hello my name is dr braun; don't let my cute and funny appearance deceive you; i am your lord and master" "oh is this that tranquility lane game? i've already read the walkthrough" "the what now" "see, if i just touch these seemingly random objects in a particular order, i can summon the chinese to kill everyone in the simulation except conveniently myself and my father, and condemn you to life alone in this suburban hellhole" "DAMN YOU GAMEFAQS!!!"

CHAPTOUR 113
"son thank you for saving me from that weird paedophile but i wish you'd just stayed in the vault instead to be honest with you family" "the overseer went nuts after you left and killed jonas" "he killed jonas?! who will carry the wheel now?!" "i know right? i was surely next on the chopping block, so i had to skedaddle while the skedaddling was good" "fair enough; now that you're here, you can help me create a water purifier" "can't water be purified by running it through dirt or something" "inefficent and also: gross" "fair enough; what's your technique" "we're going to use install the water purifiers found in the GARDEN OF EDEN CREATION KIT along with the fusion generator inside to purify the potomac as it passes through, then bottle the water and give it out to those beggars that sit in front of the two cities to increase our karma score infinitely, thereby doing so much good that we are legally jesus and can then turn that water into wine and get WASTED" "sounds good to me"

CHAPTOUR 114
"HALT RIGHT THERE!!! the united states government will be seizing your water-purification plant" "and what do you plan to do with it?!" "we want to turn it on" "YOU MONSTERS!!! I WANTED TO TURN IT ON!!!" "you?! ha!!! ha!!! AND ALSO HA!!!" "we will see who is laughing once I BLOW UP THIS ENTIRE FACILITY!!!" Gordon's father blows up the purifier, causing no damage to it, and only to himself and the soldiers around him. "i should have left that idiot in tranquility lane"
"so gordon you're going to continue your father's life's work, right?" "i don't know, he seemed pretty eager to destroy it himself" "yeah but you're going to continue it, right? he'd be in shambles if someone other than you turned on the purifier despite the deadly radiation he released inside!!!" "uh-" "and god help you if you get a radiation-immune proxy to do it, like a ghoul or a robot or or a SUPER MUTANT" "but-" "now go on, head to vault 87, which is full of deadly radiation; go on, shoo"

CHAPTOUR 115
On his way to Vault 87, Gordon finds a rare sight in the wasteland: trees and greenery. Gordon heads into the thicket. "HALT!!! you step now into the domain of our lord and saviour, HAROLD!!!" "harold? seriously?" "laugh not wanderer; CEASE, i say!!! come inside and speak to harold that you may find the error of your ways" Gordon enters the oasis, and finds a tree guy. "are you this harold guy i've heard so much about" "yeah i was once a simple ghoul but then a tree started growing out of my head and it was pretty sweet at first but then it grew too much and rooted me down to this one spot" "that sounds rough" "yeah it fucking sucks; they recently rearranged the room for better feng shui and now i'm not even facing the tv!!! i can't watch the game any more!!!" "certainly not a life worth living" "i agree; please put me out of my misery, or, failing that, convince my 'followers' to move the tv so i can see it" "i'll see what i can do"
"mr pastor birch? yeah hi harold wants you to move the tv so he can see it" "no way; he may be our lord and saviour, but we here in the capital wasteland are redskins fans; we can't stand it when his stupid eagles score on our precious redskins and he cheers with that booming voice of his" "i can understand your plight; i'll go convince harold this is for the best" Gordon walks up to Harold and fulfills the tree-man's other request by burning him alive with a flamethrower. "the sweet relief of the cleansing flames of death"

CHAPTOUR 116
After an uneventful trip to Vault 87, Gordon ends up in the test labs. "FELICITATIONS!!! i am fawkes, a super mutant!!! i have been downright befuddled by my peers and locked inside this cell!!! BUT LO!!! so is it that a friend should arrive!!! unlock this door, friend, and i shall sally forth into the irratiated chamber and retrieve for you the GECK i imagine you're looking for!!!" "sounds good" Gordon releases Fawkes, and Fawkes heads into the chamber. "here you go, chum; use it well" "thanks bro" Gordon walks back the way he came, whistling badly, when he is stunned by a grenade from nowhere. "ha ha ha!!! you thought that your father killed himself and myself inside that purifier!!! BUT LO!!! i have survived!!! your father's suicide was pointless!!!" "i could have told you that"

CHAPTOUR 117
Gordon awakens, locked up inside a cell. "hey you're awake!!! sweet, so check it out: you want to turn on the purifier, i want to turn on the purifier; our goals are aligned and you should just tell me how to turn the thing on" "that makes total sense, actually; the code is-" "COLONEL AUTUMN!!! COME TO MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY" "but-" "NO BUTS!!!" "fine" Colonel Autumn trudges up to the president's office, and Gordon decides to escape his prison, you know, stretch his legs. Soon, he wanders into the president's office. "hey gordon bro hold on i need a word" "okay mr president what's up" "i need you to go to the purifier and install this sweet add-on" "what's it do" "okay so you know how ghouls and super mutants exist?" "yeah i hate those fuckers" "will this sweet little vial will kill the lot of em" "sweet" "now go forth and reactivate that purifier" "yes sir mr president!!!"

CHAPTOUR 118
Gordon arrives at the purifier after reuniting with Fawkes, and is ambushed by Colonel Autumn. "stand down; you've lost, we're going to activate that purifier you want to activate and there is nothing you can do about it" "okay, by all means" "but first i'm going to kill you because i'm jealous that the president likes you better than me" "i don't like this plan" Gordon shoots Colonel Autumn dead. "OKAY listen everyone: the purifier is going to explode unless we turn it on" "okay" "also: the console to turn it on is in an area so full of radiation that you will die if you go inside" "well, lucky for me, i made friends with this superb super mutant who is immune to radiation" "i am sorry, my dear friend, but it is your destiny to die inside that purifier" "WHAT DUDE COME ON i thought we were bros!!!" "i'm sorry, friend, i can only go inside that purifier if you send a check or money order for ten dollars to todd howard" "fine let me go find my checkbook"

CHAPTOUR 119
"okay fawkes, i have paid todd howard the ten dollars; will you go into the purifier to turn it on now" "CAPITAL IDEA OLD CHUM!!! MY IMMUNITY TO RADIATION MAKES ME A SUPERB CANDIDATE!!! PIP PIP EH WOT!!! you're still a pussy for not doing it yourself though" Fawkes bravely enters the chamber, despite all of the no danger posed to him, and enters the code to turn on the purifier. A blast of energy is released, and Gordon is sent into a coma. "figures"
And so it was that Gordon of Vault 101 bravely faced trial after trial, only to fall at the final hurdle, and have someone else enter the purifier like the pussy bitch he is. His father must be rolling over in his grave that his son didn't pointlessly an hero when there was a better option right in front of him. War never changes and shit.
THE END