Pokémon InfernoRed and OceanBlue Remake

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"green professor oak wanted to see you in his lab something about pokémon or some dumb shit like that" Before her mother can say another word, Green blasts off out of the house like a rocket. Green tears into Professor Oak's lab, but only sees his grandson, Blue. "oh it's just you" "oh are you looking for gramps try the tall grass" "oh good thinking" Green exits the lab and heads into the tall grass outside of town. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE" Professor Oak grabs Green by the collar and drags her back to the lab. "now that's you're both here i'd like to give you each a Pokémon; since blue was a good little boy and waited here for me like i ASKED i will let him pick second" "wha-" "just trust me okay" "oh boy oh" Green takes a look at the Pokémon on offer. "hmmm i think i will pick this one" Green reaches down for Charmander's ball, but is pushed by an unseen force to her right, and ends up grabbing Bulbasaur's ball. "wha-" "THEN I PICK CHARMANDER" "GODDAMMIT" "COME ON GREEN IT'S TIME TO BATTLE" After a shitshow of tackles, scratches, and growls, Blue's Charmander knocks out Green's Bulbasaur. "aw yeah i'm the best" A single tear streams down Green's face. "b-bulbasaur?! SPEAK TO ME" "uh green-" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME" "green calm the fuck down" Professor Oak flicks a revive onto Bulbasaur, making it fit as a fiddle once again. "IT'S A MIRACLE!!!" Professor Oak slaps his face with his palm.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
Green heads to Viridian City, where she heads to the Pokémon Centre to apply for a trainer card. "hello miss what's your name" "my name is green and i wanna be the very best like no one EVER was!!!" "that's nice; sign-" "to catch them is my REAL test; to tr-" "to train them is your cause? yeah, i've heard it all before lady sign here" "s-sorry" Green signs the paper, and is handed her very own trainer card. She then leaves quietly as the next young trainer walks up to the booth. "hello young man what's your name" "my name is youngster joey and i wanna be the very best like NO ONE ever was!!!" Nurse Joy slaps her palm into her face.
"hey miss are you from pallet town" "yeah why" "professor oak ordered this package so i'm about to deliver it to him!!! i thought it was a weird coincidence that i'd meet someone from pallet town as i was about to head there" "oh okay" The Pokémart man exits his shop, but trips and falls, spraining his ankle. "are you okay?!" "i think my ankle is sprained" "let's get you to a doctor" "n-no, p-please miss; deliver this package to the professor" "okay, i will"
"ah green how's bulbasaur" "oh he's great!!! ever since he was miraculously revived by arceus himself we have been an unstoppable team!!!" "uh good to hear" "oh and this package is for you" "oh it's the uh CUSTOM Pokéball i ordered" Professor Oak nervously clears his throat. "you didn't look inside did you" "no" "good!!!" All of a sudden, Blue slams the door open and enters the lab. "yo gramps you rang" "ah yes blue; i'd like you and green to meet a friend of mine's grandson; his name is red" "hi there my name is green" "i'm blue" "..." "oh uh red doesn't speak; he is very shy" "green could learn a thing or two from him then" "HEY" "my friend from the sevii islands told me that red has always dreamed of training a team of Pokémon then standing on top of a mountain for two years so i have provided him with the leftover squirtle so he can achieve this dream" "well uh good luck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING do you dare to dream big?! do you want to be the very BEST like no one EVER was?!" "FUCK YES" "then listen well: the viridian gym's leader uses ground-types" "cool cool" Green walks up to the leader, whose face is cloaked in shadow. "hello there child; i am the viridian-" All of a sudden, an invisible force sends the Viridian gym leader blasting off. "uh i'll come back later"
Green heads to Pewter City, where she heads to get her first gym badge from Brock. "hello there friend; do you care to dream big?! do you wanna be the very best like no one EVER was?!" "YES" "then listen well; brock uses rock-type Pokémon so i hope you didn't choose charmander" "dodged that bullet" Green steps up to face the first gym trainer. "you're about ten million lightyears from facing brock!!!" Green looks over at Brock, who is standing on the other side of the room. "um no? he's like fifty feet away" "..." "..." "well this is embarassing" The trainer defeated, Green goes to face Brock himself. "hello trainer; i look forward to an intense match" "same here; GO BULBASAUR" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"so what you're saying is the only three ways to get out to the rest of the kanto region are 1: head through this giant mountain, 2: head through a tunnel blocked off by trees that can't be destroyed by normal means, or 3: head out to sea and pass by an active volcano that could blow at any moment" "UNTIL NOW" "what" "see, we've just built a path AROUND mt moon between pewter city and cerulean city!!! and you get to be the first two walk it!!!" "wow thanks mister" As Green takes her first step toward the road, giant boulders hurtle down the mountain and block her path. "uh what i meant to say was that's silly why would we make a road when we have this perfectly good one-way mountain path" "sigh" "PSST HEY KID" Green's attention is drawn toward a man in the corner of the Pokémon Centre. "kid hey" "uh hello" "boy oh boy have i got a deal for you: for just five-hundred Pokémon fun bux i will give you the ULTIMATE POKéMON; the DESTROYER OF WORLDS" "not interested" "come on kid at least hear me out; this magikarp can destroy entire CITIES with its devastating SPLASH ATTACK" "not interested" Green turns to walk off, but an invisible force forces her money out of her pocket and into the man's waiting hands. Green receives a Magikarp in return.
Green wanders into Mt. Moon and gets lost in its series of ladders and tunnels, eventually bumping into a goon from Team Rocket. "PREPARE FOR TROUBLE" "i guess it's time to see what this thing can do; GO MAGIKARP" Green hucks her ball into the ground, and out pops a wriggling Magikarp. Green and the Team Rocket Grunt just stare as Magikarp splashes around on the ground, weakly. "i guess this is just life telling me to buy a wallet"
Finally, after much disappointment, Green makes it near the end of Mt. Moon. "finally i can leave-" "STOP RIGHT THERE" "wha-" "THESE ARE MY FOSSILS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM" "o-okay dude i'm ju-" "FINE; WE WILL BATTLE FOR THEM" Green slaps her face with her hand.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
Green heads to Cerulean City, where she decides to train a bit more before facing Misty to get her second gym badge. She eventually reaches a small cottage by the sea. "oh a clefairy how nice" "hey miss" "GAH" "hey i accidentally fused myself with this clefairy so could you please press that button over there so i can stop being a horrible abomination" "uh yeah" Green presses the button without hesitation, separating Bill from the Clefairy. "hey thanks do you want this ticket for a boat i was going to throw it out but hey"
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING misty uses water-type Pokémon" "hello trainer i am misty!!! i look forward to an intense match" "same here; GO IVYSAUR" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"HALT CITIZEN" Green stops, startled, inside the gate to Saffron City. "uh officer?" "i'm thirsty" "um cool" Green attempts to move past. "HALT CITIZEN" "yeah?!" "i said i'm THIRSTY" Green slaps her face with her palm. "so what you're saying is i can't get past because you're thirsty" "yeah do you have any water" "no" "pfft you waste all your time catching crummy Pokémon creatures!!! you should be catching water!!!" "if you like water so much just fucking move to hoenn" "that's why i'm working this shitty guard job; to save up enough so i can move to the best region" "kanto IS the best region you dunce" "if kanto is the best region, where's all the water?"
Green heads through the underground tunnel to Vermillion City, where she attempts to get her third gym badge from Lt. Surge. She looks high and low, but can't find an entrance. "that's the BACK of the gym" "uh then how do i get to the front" "see that tree over there" "yeah" "you have to cut it down" "..." "..." "why" The man shrugs. "as long as you're here though let me tell you about my rapidash!!!" "not interested" Green turns to walk off, but is held in place by an invisible force. "wha-" "rapidash is so cute cuddly LOVE IT want to ride it all day warm mane so cute so amazing love it need it rapidash!!!" "hey-" "here are five facts about rapidash!!! 1: rapidash is a Pokémon!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: rapidash!!!" "that was only four-" "thank you for listening to me here have this bike voucher" The man hands Green a ticket to get a bicycle for free in Cerulean City, a 1,000,000 Pokémon Fun Bux value. "did that guy seriously just give me a million Pokémon fun bux to listen to him say rapidash over and over"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
Green boards the S.S. Anne, the most luxurious of luxury liners, using the ticket she'd gotten from Bill. "be aware that the ship can't set sail because the captain is seasick" "..." "what" "how did he even become captain if he gets seasick?!" "his father is on the captain's committee" "well as long as i don't have to give him a backrub i-" "HEY that's a great idea!!!" "N-NOT INTERESTED" The sailor pushes Green up the stairs to the captain's quarters. "captain good news this young woman has volunteered to rub your back!!!" "oh that's-" The captain violently wretches and throws up into a trash can. Green hesitates, but the sailor pushes her into the back of the captain. She rubs and rubs and rubs, wishing she was back in town listening to the man talk about his Rapidash. Soon, the seasickness is cleared. "thanks miss now we can leave port!!! here let me give you this Pokémon instructional video on how to cut down trees" "thanks"
Green attempts once again to get into Vermillion gym. She cuts down the tree outside, and is greeted by her friend. "YO CHAMP IN THE MAKING lt. surge is a crafty man and has barricaded himself away behind an electric barrier!!!" "uh isn't it his job to accept challenges" "oh, he'll accept your challenge, but only if you find the two switches hidden inside these trash cans" "WHAT" "also if you hit one switch then the next can you rummage through isn't the correct one, the switches will randomise to a new set of cans!!!" "..." "..." "hey i'll give you a bike voucher if you find the switches for me" "no can do champ in the making" Green sighs and peers into a trash can, full of vomit. "you want me to stick my hand in THAT?!" "every time the s.s. anne stops in vermillion city, the captain donates to us the trash cans he's thrown up in!!!" Green turns around and throws up into the trash can nearby. "yes, putting more vomit into the can will surely make it LESS disgusting"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
Desperately, Green searches high and low for Pokémon that will allow her to avoid sticking her hand into the captain's vomit. Eventually, she catches an Abra and a Bellsprout. "okay abra which trash cans have switches in them" Abra points at two different cans, right next to eachother. "okay, now bellsprout!!! use your vines to pull those switches!!!" Bellsprout, not knowing what he's touching, flips both switches and deactivates the forcefield. "what the FUCK was that private?!" "me?" "yes, you; you're a dirty fucking cheater you know that?!" "no, actually, i'm clean; some would describe my cleanliness as whistle-like in appearance" "oh private your tactics would NEVER fly in the war" "luckily, we are not currently fighting a war" "THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG; right now it is a war between your Pokémon and mine; we are fighting for the honour of our gym!!! you are fighting for my badge!!!" "okay; GO VENUSAUR" "how the fuck do you already have a venusaur?!" "i uh got really lost in mt. moon" "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
Learning that the only way past the thirsty guards to the rest of Kanto is through Rock Tunnel, Green heads east from Cerulean City and into the cave. "what the fuck it's pitch black in here i can't see a thing" "HEY watch where you're walking" "IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY" Green stumbles around the cave for hours on end before finally making it out.
Finally, Green makes it to Lavender Town. "hey what's that big tower" "it's a Pokémon graveyard but it's currently haunted by GHOSTS" "oh, like gastly?" "no, formless souls of the dead come back to kill us all!!!" "oh, like spiritomb?" "no" Green, however, thinks the man is hiding all the Spiritombs to himself, so she enters the tower. Much to her dismay, the man was right and the ghosts are just amorphous blobs. "lame"
Green heads west to Saffron City, finally hoping to get in. "HALT CITIZEN" Green slaps herself on the forehead. "i'm thirsty" "you think they'd install a watercooler or something but nooooooooo just have a fucking drink toll not like i don't pay fucking taxes" "you don't pay taxes, you're like fifteen" "not the point" "yeah, the point is that i'm thirsty" "you can drink your own fucking blood as it cascades from your nose"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
Green heads through the underground tunnel to Celadon City, wherein lies the region's lone department store and lone casino, as well as the Celadon gym, lead by Erika. "heh heh this gym's great!!! it's full of women!!!" "hey uh where's that guy who always greets me like 'YO CHAMP IN THE MAKING'" "he's off gambling or something" Green heads to the casino, unable to continue onward without a blessing of good luck from her friend. "hey why are you in here" "oh uh YO champ in the making!!! um erika uses some Pokémon or something" "is that all you've got?" "uh yeah" Green sighs and returns to the gym. "hello trainer i am erika i look forward to an intense match" "same here; GO VENUSAUR" "..." "..." "how the FUCK is your venusaur already level 70?!" "i uh got REALLY lost in rock tunnel" "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
Green enters the game corner, hoping to earn some coins to buy something cool, like a Porygon or some charcoal. "HALT DO NOT COME ANY CLOSER TO THIS POSTER" "why what's up with the poster" "..." "..." "NOTHING IT IS AN ORDINARY POSTER" "then why are you so upset about me getting near it" "IT IS A NICE POSTER AND I LIKE IT A LOT" "um okay" "IT SEEMS YOU NEED TO BE CONVINCED OF HOW UNSUSPICIOUS THIS POSTER IS; GO RATATTA" Green's Venusaur handily defeats the Team Rocket Grunt's Ratatta. "ah shit i've got to go tell the boss!!!" The Team Rocket grunt runs into a wall. Green hits the button behind the poster, and reveals a secret staircase. The floor sliding away sends the grunt tumbling into the hideout.
"a ha ha ha ha ha!!! you will never get past these locomotion tiles!!!" "they're just floor tiles how bad ca-WOAH" Green is sent spinning and careening from tile to tile. She eventually ends her spin right next to a Team Rocket grunt. "you lost little g-" Green violently throws up on the grunt, soiling his uniform. "DUDE GROSS" "i just want to go home" Dizzily, Green walks up the nearby staircase. "hello there little girl are you lost?" The Team Rocket grunt winds up to throw his Pokéball, but accidentally drops something in his windup. "OH NO I DROPPED THE LIFT KEY" "..." "..." "..." "..." While the grunt stares at his folly wide-eyed, Green grabs the lift key from underneath him and collapses in the elevator.
"oh little girl are you here to mess with our plans?! to retrieve the silph scope we stole?!" "i just want to go home and get to bed i don't feel so good" "WELL THAT'S TOO BAD because i, the leader of team rocket, GIOVANNI, alum of indigo university!!!, will now teach you a lesson!!!" Giovanni goes to throw out his Pokéball, but Green violently throws up on him. "GROSS" Giovanni leaves the hideout to clean his suit, and leaves behind the Silph Scope for Green to take with her. Green collapses on the couch and falls asleep.

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
Green stumbles out into the daylight, head still spinning fron the warp panels inside Team Rocket's hideout. A nice old lady thinks she's hungover, so she invites Green inside for some nice tea. "oh this is the best drink i've ever had" "yes indeed!!! some nice hot tea can cure anyone's thirst!!!" A lightbulb goes off in Green's head. "ma'am can i borrow some of this tea" "oh sure sure" Green rushes out of the old lady's house and heads to the guard checkpoint to Saffron City. "citizen i'm thirsty" "have some TEA" Green violently splashes the near-boiling hot tea onto the guard. "AH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" "I AM GOING TO PASS THROUGH THIS CHECKPOINT AND TELL YOUR THIRSTY FRIENDS THAT I AM GOING TO PASS THROUGH THEIRS AS WELL" "YES MA'AM"
Triumphant, Green passes through each and every checkpoint multiple times, eventually ending off back in Lavender Town. Green climbs the tower and sees that the ghosts inside are mere Gastlys, and not Spiritombs like she'd hoped. On the penultimate floor, the final ghost Green encounters is something different. "is that a marowak?!" The Marowak swipes at Green with its large bone. "FUCK FUCK FUCK KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT" Venusaur complies, and the Marowak is defeated. "hey thanks for calming down marowak's spirit have this flute" "not interested" "fine be that way" Just then, an invisible force launches the flute out of the old man's hand and into Green's bag.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
Green heads south from Lavender Town, and comes across a gigantic sleeping Snorlax. She attempts to climb over, but has no luck. Rummaging through her bag, Green finds the Pokeflute and begins to play it. Unfortunately, Green had never learned how to play an instrument, so the noise she makes is loud and cacophonous. The Snorlax grumpily wakes up, but Green hucks a Pokéball at it before it can do anything, and captures it.
Green continues south until she reaches Fuschia City, which houses an impressive Safari Zone. "hey miss welcome to the safari zone; we are currently holding a contest: find the secret hut and we'll give you the HM for surf!!! this used to be a better reward before they constructed a boat line between fuschia city and cinnabar island though" "well i'll just take the boat thanks" Green walks outside, and sees the boat violently explode. Green spins 180. "i would like to participate in your safari game" "also if you see some golden teeth, please return them to the warden; he is offering the HM for strength as a reward, which you will also need later" "need anything else? are you, perhaps, thirsty? is someone offering the HM for dive in exchange for a backrub?" "listen lady do you want this shit or don't you" Green sighs, and finds both the HM for surf and the golden teeth in the safari zone. Green then turns her attention toward the Fuschia City gym, lead by the ninja Koga.
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING koga uses poison-types" "OKAY" Green confidently charges forward, right into an invisible wall. "oh right should have mentioned that" Green carefully navigates the gym, bumping into many invisible walls, until she gets to Koga. "hello trainer i am koga i look forward to an intense match" "same here; GO VENUSAUR" "GO KOFFING" "..." "what" "sorry, i just wasn't expecting you to actually do anything" After a hard-fought battle, Green finally earns herself a soul badge.

CHAPTOUR FOURTEEN:
Green flies back to Pallet Town and surfs south to get to Cinnabar Island, where the sixth gym leader, Blaine, lives. "come on in challenger the door is open" Green goes to turn the knob, but the door is suddenly locked by an invisible force. "it's locked" "uh-oh; challenger could you do me a favour? the only key is inside that abandonned mansion" "what" "in retrospect, i should have definitely hidden it under the doormat but live and learn" Green sighs and trudges into the mansion, only coming out when she has the gym key.
"YO CHAMP IN THE MAKING blaine designed this gym so you have to solve quiz questions to proceed" "well i can't complain after vermillion" "that's the spirit!!!" Green walks up to the first quiz station. "WHO'S THAT POKéMON" "IT'S PIKACHU" "incorrect; it is inkay, only upsidedown" "FUCK" Green smashes the 'restart' button as though it was a 'like' button. "WHO'S THAT POKéMON" "IT'S PIKACHU" This continues for hours until it finally is Pikachu.
"hello trainer i am blaine i look forward to an intense match" "same here; GO VENUSAUR" "GO RAPIDASH" "..." "..." "i don't see what the big deal is" After a hard-fought battle, Green finally earns herself a volcano badge.

CHAPTOUR FIFTEEN:
"oh hey bill what's up" "oh i just got two tickets for a cruise to the SEVII ISLANDS so i can see my friend celio, green" "oh, nice" "but it was a mistake and i only needed one so do you want to come with me" "not interested" Suddenly, Green is launched by an invisible force onto the boat, and Bill boards after her. "i may need to gain some weight" Green and Bill touch land, and head for One Island's Pokémon Centre. "hello there celio" "hey bill" "okay green i am going to help celio with his problems and i want you to take this rock and give it to my friend on two island" "not interested" Suddenly, another invisible force launches Green out of the Pokémon Centre to Two Island.
Green is launched into the Two Island game corner, where a man is pacing back and forth frantically. "oh lostelle i am so glad you- oh sorry i thought you were my daughter who is missing" "i-" "please miss help me find my daughter lostelle" "what the fuck kind of name is that" "you're one to talk, GREEN" "whatever" Green boards the ferry and heads to Three Island, which is being terrorised by bikers. "KANTOOOOOOOOOOOO" "FUCK YEAH KANTO PRIDE WORLDWIDE" "GOD BLESS KA-A-ANTO MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND" "GIMME A K" "yeah yeah excuse me let me through" "no can do miss; we're taking over this island in the name of KANTO" "i'm from kanto just let me pass" "no way; if you want to get past, you'll have to beat all of our unevolved Pokémon" Green sighs, and does as is required of her before going off to the forest to find Lostelle. "HELP HELP IT'S A SCARY POKéMON" "do not worry little girl i will save-WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT" Green sends out Venusaur to defeat the Hypno, then takes Lostelle back to Two Island. "oh thank you for saving my daughter" "don't mention it; also bill wanted me to give you this rock" "oh wow what a nice rock" "these islands have definitely made me appreciate kanto more if nothing else"

CHAPTOUR SIXTEEN:
With nothing else to do, Green finally returns to Saffron City, hoping to defeat Sabrina and earn her seventh gym badge, but a Team Rocket goon is blocking the entrance. "excuse me i need to get in here" "that's nice" "yeah so could you like move" "no" "please" "no" "why what's wrong are you thirsty?" "no i've just been told not to let anyone past until we're done taking over silph co" "..." "..." "well i guess i'm off to stop you retards from taking over silph co" "wait no don't do that" "then get out of my way" "okay fine" The Team Rocket grunt attempts to move his legs, but they are held in place by an unseen force. "um could you help me out here" Green pulls and pulls, but the grunt remains rooted in place. "trainer, i'm scared"
"hello and welcome to silph co; the boss of team rocket is currently holding our president hostage in his office on the top floor" "oh okay thanks" Green walks over to the elevator. "wait what are you doing going to the elevator" "i'm going to the top floor to rescue your president" "the elevator doesn't take you anywhere that connects to the boss's office silly!!!" "then what do i take the stairs?" "pfft no way; the boss's office can only be accessed via teleportation panels!!!" "..." "..." "WHAT" "geez it's like you've never been to an office building before" "i take it back, i miss the sevii islands"
After much trial and error, Green finally finds the sequence of teleportation pads that takes her to the president's office on the top floor. "SO YOU'VE COME AT LAST MISS GREEN" "yeah yeah listen i don't care what you're doing here i just want to get into the gym" "well tough shit kid; we're battling HERE AND NOW" Green sighs and has her overleveled Venusaur destroy all of Giovanni's Pokémon. "fine fine we'll all leave but i WILL have my revenge!!!" "whatever" "thank you miss allow me, the president of a multi-billion Pokémon fun bux organisation, reward you with this purple pokéball" "gee"

CHAPTOUR SEVENTEEN:
With Silph Co. saved, the grunt is released from his torment, and Green turns her attention to the city's gym. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING" "uh hey is this gym just like one room" "no way champ in the making; every room in this gym can only be accessed by teleporter pads!!!" "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" Once again, Green trials and errors her way through teleporter pad after teleporter pad until she finally reaches Sabrina. "hello miss green i am sabrina and i can see the future" "oh so do i win the fight" "yeah here you go" Sabrina hands Green the marsh badge, assured of her own defeat.
With this, there is only one badge left. Green returns to Viridian City to challenge the mysterious eighth gym leader. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING no one knows the identity of this city's gym leader so uh good luck" Green scans the gym, and sees nothing but locomotion tiles on the ground. "not a-fucking-gain" Green sighs as she steps onto a locomotion tile, and is whisked away, spinning and spinning, to the gym leader. "SO WE MEET AGAIN MISS GREEN; I, GIOVANNI, THE EIGHTH GYM LEADER, AND ALSO LEADER OF TEAM ROCKET, WILL-" Green violently throws up on Giovanni once again, dizzy and disoriented from all the spinning. "i really should have had those tiles removed" "i wanna go home" "just take the damn badge and get out"

CHAPTOUR EIGHTEEN:
With all eight badges in hand, Green returns home to sleep. She sleeps and sleeps until her head finally stops spinning, then heads for Victory Road. After wandering around the cave for what feels like months, Green arrives at the top of the Indigo Plateau, ready to face the Elite Four. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING good luck" "that's it?" "yeah good luck" "well thanks; you've been a good friend" "your standards must be pretty low" "yeah i know"
Green battles her way through Lorelei, Bruno, Agatha, and even Lance, winning her way to face the champion. "so we meet again, GREEN" "sorry who are you" "..." "..." "it's me, BLUE, your rival!!!" "who-OH right that one guy who kept telling me he'd smell me at some indeteminate point in the future; what's up i haven't seen you since chaptour two!!!" "chap-WHAT but we meet at nugget bridge and on the s.s. anne and did they actually CUT OUT ALL OF MY SCREENTIME?!" "i guess so" "goddammit well i'm going to make up for it by kicking your fucking ass" "good luck with that GO VENUSAUR" "level 100?! what the FUCK" "i uh got lost in victory road" Blue sends out all his Pokémon, but is unable to covercome Green's Venusaur and her pile of max potions. "BLUE I CAME WHEN I HEARD-oh i mean uh GREEN I CAME WHEN I HEARD YOU'D DEFEATED MY USELESS GRANDSON!!! I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU!!!" Professor Oak hides his Blue merchandise behind his back. "oh thanks" "now you and your Pokémon will forever be immortalised in the hall of fame!!!" "finally, some recognition for my hard work"

HALL OF FAME:
Venusaur (level 100)
Magikarp (level 5)
Abra (level 10)
Bellsprout (level 12)
Snorlax (level 30)

CHAPTOUR NINETEEN:
After being called back by Celio, Green returns to the Sevii Islands. "green i was looking into how you keep getting pushed around and i discovered something remarkable!!!" "go on" "well it appears that there are multiple timelines, and a group of mismagiuses wants to keep the integrity of the timeline intact at ANY COST" "that's stupid" "yeah but what can you do; ANYWAY, green, i have almost finished a device to trade Pokémon with the hoenn region!!! think of all the great pokémon we can acquire!!! salamence, gardevoir, metagross!!! maybe even a deoxys!!!" "you just want to see the effect of all those trumpets on local kantoan Pokémon, admit it" "i admit nothing; i need you to find me a ruby and a sapphire somewhere" "what, you want me to knock off a jewelry store?" "NO only wild gems will do; domesticated gems will NOT work" "i'd tell you i'm not interested, but i'll just get whisked away again so whatever" Green goes off to the volcano, and gets the ruby pretty easily, then explores around to find the sapphire. "this conspicuous metal door looks like it's the right place" Green tries to open the door, but it won't open. Raised dots cover the door's surface. "aw fuck i know what this is but i can't read blind!!!" Frustrated, Green orders Bellsprout to cut down the door, which miraculously works. Inside, there is a hole on each wall. Recognising immediately what dumb bullshit the cave wants her to do, Green randomly falls down holes until she ends up in a room with a sapphire. "finally i-" "YOINK" A scientist yanks the sapphire off the pedestal and runs off for the Team Rocket hideout. "GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT"
Green soon arrives at the Team Rocket hideout. A slit in the door opens to reveal a pair of eyes. "password please" Green jams her fingers into the eyes, and the door opens. "you may have gotten past the password system, but you will NEVER get past these locomotion tiles!!! even though you can see us clearly, we remain out of reach because the tiles will send you spinning back and careening into the wall!!! you will smack into the wall and suffer a concussion, permanently damaging your brain and causing you to commit suicide!!!" "GO VENUSAUR" Venusaur grabs the Team Rocket admin with his vines, pulling her across the locomotion tiles. "uh hi" "hey i'm here for the sapphire" "fine take it but REMEMBER THIS: TEAM ROCKET WILL BE BACK in about two years, whereupon we will be defeated by another young girl possibly with blue hair BUT STILL" "whatever"
Green takes the ruby and the sapphire back to Celio. "oh thanks green!!! now it's time to trade with some honies!!!" Celio pops a Growlithe into the machine, and gets back a Wingull. Celio pops an Electabuzz into the machine, and gets back a Wingull. Celio continues on like this, trading valuable Kantoan Pokémon for Wingulls. "FUCK HOENN AND FUCK WATER" Celio kicks his machine and storms off. "what a piece of shit" Green turns to walk off, but an invisible force whisks her Magikarp's Pokéball away into the machine. Soon, Green receives back her very own Milotic. "oh my god!!! it's beautiful!!! thanks time travel mismagiuses!!!"
THE END