A Thing of the Past: Prehistory (65,000,000 BC)

Mission 025: To the Victor Go the Spoils [The Great Cheryl]
Jakey returns to the Mystic Forest, head over heels for The Great Cheryl, due to her conjuring all the Mountain Dew. He finds her talking to a contorted lump of human lying on the ground. "oh please the great cheryl you've got to help me" "what's the problem citizen" "my name is victorrhea; i am a very sickly person - i've got bifida" "spinal bifida?" "among other bifidas" "i wasn't aware that there was more than one kind of bifida" "yeah, i've got gluteal bifida, axillary bifida, abdominal bifida, femoral bifida, sternal bifida, thoracic bifida, umbilical bifida, and hallux bifida" "jesus" "luckily, i was spared all the facial bifidas and mammary bifida" "so all the important parts are intact" "at least one blessing fell upon me" "do not worry citizen, i know just the remedy" "oh boy oh boy" The Great Cheryl raises her index and middle fingers and begins tapping all over Victorrhea's body. Soon, she unpretzels herself. "oh my god what did you do?! what glorious miracle did you perform?!" "all you needed was a spinal tap, gluteal tap, axillary tap, abdominal tap, femoral tap, sternal tap, thoracic tap, and a hallux tap and now you're right as rain" "oh man thanks" "i also threw in a mammary tap for good measaure" "AW MAN" Jakey trudges out from the bushes. "mammary taps are my specialty" "oh uh would you like to do one now then" "yes; watch and be amazed" Jakey takes his index and middle fingers, and taps on Victorrhea's left breast. "you good now?" "yeah" "ANYWAY the bad news is that apparently all your bifidas were hiding a rare disease known as timinchinitis" "can you cure that as well" "unfortunately no; it is incurable and terminal" "oh well it's fine; being able to move around is a vast improvement over the alternative" "good good" Michelle walks up and gives Victorrhea a mammary tap of her own. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 026: Your Biggest Fan [Special Agent Grace]
"so you're my new bodyguard?" "yes it's an honour to work under you!!!" "you're kind of young aren't you?" "i'm fresh out of the academy!!! i'm ready and raring to go!!!" "um okay" "also also: i am a huge fan of yours" "i wasn't aware i had fans" "you invented the hamburger!!! EVERYONE should be your fan!!!" "well when you put it that way" "listen can i please touch your magnificent hamburger-creating head" "um sure" "oh thank you" Grace begins rubbing Jakey's head. He is kind of creeped out at this point. Michelle walks up and begins rubbing Jakey's head as well. "WE'VE GOT A SITUATION!!!" Grace tackles Michelle to the ground, and readies her sharpest stick. "WAIT THAT'S MY SISTER SHE'S COOL" "oh uh sorry" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a #1 fan]

Mission 027: Overeager [Special Agent Grace]
"what are you up to now" "i have to make sure every possible thing is safe for milord!!! someone just invented this 'wheel' thing and i'm trying to make sure it's safe for you" "uh okay" "hmm it's all right on flat ground but what if" Grace begins to push the heavy stone wheel up a hill, and it starts to roll back down, crushing Grace underneath. "OW STAY BACK IT'S DANGEROUS" "are you okay?" "YES I'M FINE" "you're looking kind of flat" "just scrape me off the ground and i'll be fine" "okay" Jakey scrapes Grace off the ground, and she returns to a 3D form. "i'm going to go and petition for those things to be made illegal so they can't hurt you milord" "that's probably a good idea if it's just a rotating death cylinder" Michelle rides over on her unicycle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/unicycle appears at cave]

Mission 028: A Tragic Loss [Noriko]
"well jakey it took a lot of work, but i finally got your cave all cleaned up" "nice; i knew that if i just did nothing, a solution would present itself" "wiser words were never spoken" All of a sudden, a pointed stick flies into the cave, knocking over a lamp, shattering the lightstone inside. "I JUST SWEPT THERE" Jakey grabs the pointed stick and inspects it carefully. "this is a high-quality stick; no random tree branch" "um excuse me" A young girl walks up, her face reddened. "um could you please hand him back to me" "him?" "that's mr. sticky; he's my best friend and i love him" "then why were you throwing him" "we were playing a game" "oh what's the game called" "assassin-" The girl clams up, knowing that she fucked up. "was this game mr. sticky's idea" "uh yeah" "he's a bad influence then" Jakey snaps Mr. Sticky in two over his knee. The girl is paralysed in horror, her entire body shutting right down due to the brutal murder of her best friend in the whole world. "i think you killed her" Jakey throws Mr. Sticky aside, and picks up the corpse. "LET GO OF ME I HATE YOU" "oh she's not dead" "MR STICKY WILL BE AVENGED" "i'd like to see you try" Jakey sets the girl down and ruffles her hair. "MY NAME IS SOPHIA DRAKE AND YOU WILL REGRET YOUR ACTIONS!!!" "cool now run along it's getting late" Sophia runs off, crying. Michelle runs in, not crying. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 029: First Impressions [Emelyn]
"yo emmo what are you doing" "drafting plans for something to cover the cave entrance while no one is entering" "what purpose does that serve" "it would keep the dust and dirt out of the cave's entrance" "does it matter? i mean they've all got dust and dirt at the entrance" "but what if ours didn't; people would be like 'wow that's one clean cave'" "i'm pretty sure they'd just be annoyed that they had to wait longer to get in due to the process of removing the entrance cover" "maybe until they notice how clean it is" "emelyn, people don't notice when something's clean; they only notice when it's dirty, and when everything is dirty, nothing is" Emelyn stares blankly at Jakey. "please leave me alone; you're really upsetting me right now" "fine fine" Jakey walks off and into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/nothing else]

Mission 030: Slave to the Grave [Valerie]
"yo valerie how's the gravedigging working out for you" "h-horrible" "how so" "i-i-i d-decided to t-take this j-job because i-i-i have l-low self-esteem a-and th-this st-stutter b-but th-the b-boss j-just k-keeps b-barking orders at m-me" "well there's a lot of demand" "a-and sh-she c-constantly c-criticises m-my technique" "what's wrong with it" "i-it's t-too efficient a-and 's-soulless'" "that means absolutely nothing" "I-I-I KN-KNOW" "sounds like you've got a terrible boss" "y-yeah" "tell you what; i'll hire you onto my staff instead" "s-sorry b-but i-i-i s-signed a c-contract" "for how long" "f-five y-years" "ouch" "y-yeah" "tell you what; i'm gonna try and buy out that contract for you" "r-really?!" "yeah totally" "th-thank you" "don't mention it" Jakey marches out to where Jasmine is digging her own graves. "hey could i buy out valerie's contract" "i'd be happy to sell it to you but i need the extra hands; find me a replacement and i'd be happy to trade" Jakey looks around and sees a small pixington flying around aimlessly. "hey pixington what's up" "i can't find employment; no one will hire me because i'm too small" "well maybe jasmine will hire you; she hates big equipment" "really?!" "totally" "oh boy oh boy let's go" Jakey walks over to Jasmine, with Amber trailing behind. "i found you an employee" "where" "hello" "oh you're a tiny thing" "i get that a lot" "you're perfect; your small hands will carve out the perfect graves every time; you're hired" "oh boy oh boy" "and valerie is fired" "Y-YES!!!" "that doesn't sound like a good sign" "ignore her she's useless; YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE TOP" "YES" Michelle hands Amber some breadcrumbs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jasmine missions/Amber missions]

Mission 031: New Employee [Valerie]
"s-so what should i-i d-do as your n-new employee, boss?!" "just be yourself bro" "C-CAN DO!!!" Valerie walks over to the corner and begins worrying about everything. "great job valerie" "th-thanks boss" Michelle walks over to Valerie and joins in her worry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/an all-star new employee]

Mission 032: An Excquisite Piece [Alison]
"okay alison, against my better judgement i have come" "good good i will win you over to the artistic side yet" "yeah cool whatever" "this is my gallery, full of all my art" "okay" "this here is a sculpture i made depicting the futility of life" "it's just a pile of rocks" "look deeper and you will find the hidden message" Jakey stares at the pile of rocks, and gives one a little kick. "haHA your efforts to take my art in vain have BACKFIRED for no one will be able to tell the difference between how it looks now and how it looked five minutes ago!!! the message is now clearer than ever!!!" "whatever" "anyway, this here is a self-portrait" "it looks nothing like you" "no no it's not a picture of my outsides, it's a picture of what lies within my SOUL" "it's a hamburger and fries" "i may have been hungry when i painted it" "you don't say" "and this is the third piece" "it's a treebranch" "it's called 'found art'; it was something i found out in the world, and through the process of putting it in my gallery, i turned it into art" "so it wasn't art before it got here" "no of course not; out there, it was just a fallen branch, but in HERE, it is ART!!!" "how so" "pardon" "how does moving it suddenly turn it into art" "oh jakey you still don't get it do you" "no" "maybe someday when you're more mature you'll understand the complexities of art" "i hope not" Michelle walks in and begins scribbling on the hamburger that Alison drew on the wall. "YES YES!!! IT IS NOW A MINGLING OF OUR TWO SOULS!!! A FATED ENCOUNTER FOREVER HELD WITHIN THESE WALLS!!!" "psst jakey i'm scared please take me home"
[reward: respect +/even less of an understanding of art]

Mission 033: All the News That's Fit to Scribble [Violet]
"okay jakey i took your advice to heart and hired a transcriptionist" "never heard of it" "uh someone to write on the cave walls so people can actually read it" "oh that's a good idea" "uh yeah anyway this is natalie" "hi" "hi" "take a look at some of the headlines we've printed together" "'local man attempts to eat rock; breaks his teeth' 'local man attempts to punch rock; breaks his hand' 'local man attempts to date rock; breaks his heart'" "truly hard-hitting isn't it?!" "you uh could say that" "go on keep reading" "i'd rather not" "i understand; you don't have the stomach for it, it's fine" "that's one way to put it" Michelle whispers in Natalie's ear something to transcribe onto the walls. Natalie begins writing three words onto the wall. "'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 034: Got My Back Against the Wrecking Machine [Victorrhea]
"so now that you're cured of all those bifidas, what are you going to do" "for the first time in my life, i am going to frolic; oh how i have dreamed of this moment" "i would like to bear witness to your first ever frolic" "i would be honoured if a duke himself would be there to witness the happiest moment of my life" Victorrhea gets set and begins to frolic. As she attempts to take her first leap, she does not leave the ground, and faceplants the grass. "are you okay" "yeah uh i just realised i don't know how to jump" "you just kind of bend your legs like this and push off" "oh okay" Victorrhea attempts to jump once more, but does not leave the ground. "i uh guess i can't jump" "that's a new one" "well it's fine; just being able to walk is enough for me" "that's the spirit" Michelle decides to return the trampoline she'd bought Victorrhea to the store. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/trampoline]

Mission 035: Poison Was the Cure [Sophia]
"man this is the best bowl of beef chowder i've had in a long time; what's your secret miss" "it's poisoned" "oh wow i never-WHAT" "you FOOL i told you you would regret what you did to mr. sticky!!!" Sophia rips off her chef disguise and begins cackling. "so is the poison supposed to take effect now or?" "you should be dead by now WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD" "what kind of poison did you use" "only the worst most foul poison i've ever encountered!!! it's the horrible plant known to us only as BROCCOLI" "..." "..." "broccoli isn't poisonous" "WHAT it totally is" "no" "is so; every time i unknowingly bite into a sprig of broccoli, i gag and choke!!! you ingested like a thousand sprigs!!! that's a lot of sprigs!!! you should be DEAD" "if anything, i'm healthier than i was before" "oh i'll get you someday" Sophia storms off, and Michelle storms on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sprigs of broccoli appear in cave]

Mission 036: Killer in the Mist [Sophia]
"man i am really digging this foggy clearing i was invited to; i wish i knew who invited me so i could thank him slash her" Sophia leaps out of the bushes, attemping to cave in Jakey's skull with a large rock. Jakey steps out of the way. "hey sophie thanks for inviting me here" "i invited you here so i could KILL YOU" "yeah and we both know that's never going to happen, so i get to enjoy the cosy atmosphere" Sophia makes a second lunge, but Jakey grabs her by the collar. "let's just sit down and enjoy the fog" Sophia hucks the rock at Jakey's face, but her weak child arms can't throw that high, and the rock begins to fall right toward her face. Jakey yanks her out of the way before she can have her face caved in. "i still hate you" "i know" Sophia, Jakey, and Michelle sit down and stare into the fog. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/heavy rock weapon]

Mission 037: Good Enough [Jasmine]
"so how's amber working out for you jasmine" "she's better than the previous employee who shall NOT be named" "good i'm glad everyone's happy" "'happy' is a strong word" "ho boy" "she's so small that she tires out really easily; a single grave takes her a whole week" "oh" "but the QUALITY is top-notch; even better than mine" "so basically amber graves are the top-shelf shit" "yeah, i'd bury kings and dukes in amber graves rather than my own; i wish i had a thousand of her, then maybe everyone would be able to truly rest in peace" "oh i like that last saying; maybe you should print it on all the gravestones" "that's a good idea" "if you're short on time you could abbreviate it to r.i.p." "i'm never short enough on time to half-ass a grave jakey" "fine fine" Michelle walks up and nods in agreement with Jasmine. "she's right jakey; i'd never use 't.m.h.' as shorthand for take me home"
[reward: respect +/absolutely nothing]

Mission 038: A Gesture of Gratitude [Amber]
"hey amber what are you up to" "oh jakey i'm just making you a bowl of beef chowder as thanks for landing me that job" "oh cool thanks" "don't mention it" "so when will it be ready" "at the rate i'm going, it'll be done in a couple weeks" "weeks?!" "well i had to make it human-sized so i needed to use human-sized ingedients; i have to carry every single sprig of broccoli one at a time across the kitchen" "oh i never thought about that particular logistics problem" "it's fine it's fine i get it; you giant humans take your size for granted" "i guess we do" "well you'd better mark your calendar and clear your schedule for this beef chowder" "i'm looking forward to it" Amber flies across the kitchen, barely able to carry the carrot she'd grabbed. "do you need any help" "no no i've got this" "okay well if you need anything just shout" "can do" Jakey exits the cave, and Amber breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn't want to give away the secret ingredient; the pixington powder for the wellington chowder. Outside the cave, Jakey bumps into Michelle, who is carrying a giant sprig of broccoli. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/giant sprig of broccoli]

Mission 039: Putting Yourself Out There [Natalie]
"yo what's up natalie" "oh jakey i was just transcribing a note i was told to put up everywhere for one rachel jackson" "what's it say" "i don't read the notes i just look at the letters and make the best possible version of that letter on the wall; once one letter is done, i promptly forget about it so i can focus on the next one" "that's uh different" "i need to focus on this 'e' now so i'll let you read the note yourself" Natalie passes Jakey the note and gets to work on the letter e. "'to all whom it may concern: i, rachel jackson, am looking for a career in which i can be the centre of everyone's attention at all times; i want to be the talk of the town and in the public eye at all times' wow she sounds like a real headcase" Natalie does not respond, as she is still working on that e. Michelle walks up and passes Jakey her own note. "'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 040: The Centre of Attention [Rachel]
"hello miss rachel my name is jakey i uh saw your ad" "oh you have a job for me?!" "yeah hold this sign and advertise our business" "CAN DO" "also just a second" Jakey adjusts Rachel's smock to show more cleavage. "okay you're ready for action" "all right!!!" Rachel walks into the town's square and begins twirling the sign around. A crowd gathers in order to read the sign and ogle the girl. "psst jakey" Rachel waves Jakey over. "that one girl isn't paying any attention to me" "oh on it" Jakey walks over to the single girl not staring at Rachel. "hello there miss" "hi" "did you notice the girl twirling the sign over there" "yeah" "don't you want to go over there and look?" "nah i'm resisting the urge to look" "uh why" "my name is resistance leadour; i will one day put resistance on the map as a way of life" "what" "i resist everything; once, i got stepped on by a brontosaurus, but i resisted being crushed and just look at me now" "i don't believe you" "you should resist skepticism; it's not a healthy way to live" "yeah whatever" Jakey looks over at Rachel, who is clearly getting anxious that there is someone not paying attention to her. "hey ressie i bet you can't resist being here right now" "OH YEAH?! WATCH ME" Resistance Leadour appears to slide off into the distance. "what the fuck" Michelle walks over to Jakey, not even glancing in a vaguely Rachelward direction. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 041: The Good Fight [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey did you see how i resisted being in that location at that particular time?!" "oh yeah you're a champ" "thanks i know; got any other challenges for me?" "hmmm can you resist the green off an orc's skin" "ooh a challenge; let's roll" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop onto the back of a triceratops and ride off for the orcish village. "okay ressie that one looks like a weak one to challenge" "pfft!!! PFFT I SAY!!! i'm going after the chieftain's daughter" "wait ressie-" It's too late; Resistance Leadour has already begun resisting the green off the orcish chieftain's daughter's skin. "hey olivia you don't look so good; you're awfully pale" Olivia looks down at her hands, which are no longer green. "OH NO" Olivia curls up into a little ball, but her father picks her right up. "do not worry; i have a solution to this problem" The orcish chieftain begins to slather Olivia in green paint. "hey jakey check this out" Resistance Leadour begins to resist the slathering, causing the paint to run right off Olivia's newly pale skin. Olivia begins to sob heavily. Since orcish tears are very dense, the cave begins to flood. "maybe we went too far" "WE HAVEN'T GONE FAR ENOUGH I SAY!!!" The orcs do not hear Resistance Leadour's shouts because her shouts resist being heard by anyone but those she is shouting at. "hey ressie i bet you can't resist being eaten by that t.rex over there" "OH YEAH?! WATCH ME" Resistance Leadour runs off to antagonise the t.rex. As she leaves, Olivia's green colour begins to return. "oh nice" The t.rex attempts to snatch Resistance Leadour off the ground with its mouth, but its teeth break off. Michelle walks up to Jakey, painted green. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 042: A Balanced Diet [Olivia]
"hello there human; my name is olivia and i am the orc chieftain's daughter" "i'm jakey and i'm a duke" "oh sick" "i thought so" "let me show you around" Olivia leads Jakey into the orcish cavern system. "this is where we prepare our food" "what kinds of foods do you eat" "legumes mostly" "i'm so sorry" "why? do you have something better" "oh yes, yes i do; have all your orc friends follow me and you'll never want to even look at a legume again" "YOU HEARD THE MAN" Jakey exits the caverns, the entire orcish race following behind him into McRock's, where Taylor is manning the counter, wishing he had something to chew on, but gum hasn't been invented yet. "a round of burgers for my boys" "coming right up" Taylor serves up a hamburger to every single member of the orcish race. As they all take their first bites, their eyes widen. "oh my god" "human, you have just secured a billion years of peace between our races with this delicious piece of food" "FUCK LEGUMES" "I'M NEVER EATING A LEGUME AGAIN" "MEAT MEAT MEAT" The orcs order more and more hamburgers, never satisfied. Luckily, the cave is very deep and can hold all the rocks they're spending on the meat. Michelle walks up to the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a horde of new business]

Mission 043: Unloved Legumes [Olivia]
"hey what's going on here" "we are officially getting rid of our hoard of legumes and plan to subsist entirely on a meat-based diet" "nice" "i'll say but uh what are we going to do with all these crates of legumes" "just dump them somewhere" "hmm no one ever goes to the boneyard, so maybe that's a good spot" "sounds good to me" Jakey and Olivia tie the crates of legumes to the back of a triceratops and ride off for the boneyard. "so why do you call this place the boneyard" "there's a lot of bones around" "oh yeah that makes sense" "this is a good spot here" "okay" Jakey and Olivia dump the crates all over the ground, legumes going everywhere. "guests?! bringing legumes?! to the bone zone?! hello!!!" A skeletal figure rises from the ground. "um hi" "my name is bonerietta; i've got to thank you for bringing us all these legumes" "uh don't mention it" "oh no i insist; let me give you the boning of a lifetime" Bonerietta begins her approach, thrusting her skeletal pelvis in the air. "STAY BACK" "oh no i've got to reward you!!!" "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE" Jakey and Olivia turn, but the triceratops has already run in terror. "FUCK" "NO" Olivia and Jakey sprint as fast as their legs will carry them, straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/abject terror]

Mission 044: A High-Cost Hijack [Olivia]
"man that was NOT cool" "i agree; we should band together and declare war on skeletonkind" "now there's an idea" "AVAST YE LANDLUBBERS" Olivia and Jakey look up to see a woman standing atop a brontosaurus. "GIVE UP ALL YE LEGUMES OR PREPARE TO BE BOARDED" "uh we already gave up all our legumes" "what" "we're subsisting on a different diet now so we dumped all the legumes in the boneyard" "oh" The woman begins to sweat. "well this is embarrassing" "nah it's fine; just head to the boneyard and get them there" "no way man i've seen the horrors that appear there" "that's fair" "um do you know where i can get a bite to eat" "oh yes follow me" Olivia leads the woman off to McRock's while Jakey tends to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new customer]

Mission 045: Can't Beat the Meat [Olivia]
"so you're telling me that we orcs eat so much of your meat that you need us to start hunting dinosaurs so we can have you cook the meat we catch for us at a discounted rate" "yeah basically" "okay sounds good; we orcs enjoy a good hunt" "what did you do with the meat before we made it edible" "we just kind of threw it at eachother; made a game of it, you know" "sounds fun" "yeah but we can throw the bones at eachother instead so we won't be missing out on much" "good good" "so does your human king like meat" "oh he loves it; he made me a duke specifically because of the meat" "word is our chieftain wants to make you an honourary orc for your contributions to our lifestyle" "oh that sounds cool" "you'll be the first honourary orc named since your sister, michelle" Michelle waves from the other side of the tent. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 046: Please Close Your Ears and Try to Look Away [King Bran]
"yo jakey check out what i found" "uh what is it" "i don't know" "is that a button" "oh yeah good eye" King Bran presses the button, and opens a swirling vortex. "woah" "psst jakey i'll give you ten rocks if you go inside" "you're on" Jakey enters the vortex and finds himself in a near-identical cave next to a near-identical king. "uh king bran? nothing happened" "king who?! i am king STAN!!!" "..." "..." "um i'm going back into the portal" "good idea" Jakey enters the vortex again and returns home. "king bran?" "yeah?" "there's someone impersonating you on the other side of the portal" "WHAT" King Bran angrily stomps into the portal, Jakey following close behind. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT" "I SHOULD SAY THE SAME THING" "I AM KING BRAN OF PANGAEA" "I AM KING STAN OF CHICAGO" "chicago?! what the fuck kind of name is that" "i could say the same to you, mr pangaea" "oh that is IT i hereby declare war on you fucker" "ha i'd like to see you try and defeat us; i've stationed my best retainers on four separate fortress caves!!! you'll never come up with four unique and convoluted plans to take them!!!" "OH YEAH?!" Jakey steps forward, convoluted plans being his specialty. Michelle steps forward, being taken home being her specialty. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/WAR]

Mission 047: So You'll Never Hear a Single Word I Say [King Bran]
"HALT PANGAEAN INVADER you will never get past me" "and who might you be" "the great ninja maid MITSUKO" "you don't look so great to me" "wha-why i never" Mitsuko whistles, and her squadron of elite Chicagoan ninjas pops out from the shadows. "wait where'd he go" As Mitsuko looks around confused, Jakey hucks a rock at her head, knocking her out and claiming the fort. "oh come on that wasn't very convoluted at all" "wasn't it? in order to get the perfect rock to throw at mitsuko, i needed to trade a pterodactyl to unimportant, but to get the pterodactyl, i had to find a rare herb that pterodactyls love on top of the snowy mountain; HOWEVER, in order to ascend the snowy mountain, i had to answer piper's riddles three and-" "OKAY FINE IT WAS CONVOLUTED" "thank you" Michelle walks up and plants the Pangaean flag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the first fort]

Mission 048: And Don't Ever Come My Way [King Bran]
"hey pangaea man" "me?" "yeah you go away" "i'd rather not" "then you leave us no choice" "prepare to face the wrath of the fortress cave-guarding sister duo, RIECE AND ANICE" "riece we practiced this, it's 'anice and riece'" "no way it's totally 'riece and anice'" "no it's FUCKING NOT" "YOU WANT TO GO?!" "YEAH" Riece and Anice (or Anice and Riece if you'd prefer) roll away in a cloud of dust, punching and kicking and biting eachother. Jakey walks up to the empty fort and claims control. "OH COME ON THAT WASN'T CONVOLUTED IN THE SLIGHTEST" "oh no? well you're mistaken; i had grace sneak into the fort and acquire intel on the two sisters and their fierce rivalry, then i had a certain pixington fly in and whisper the sweet nothings of disharmony into the ears of the two girls, igniting their proud rivalry, allowing it to be unleashed in a dusty cloud of punches and kicks" "fine whatever" Michelle plants another Pangaean flag proudly in the centre of the fort. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the second fort]

Mission 049: Come in My Cave [King Bran]
"you've done well to make it this far pangaea man, but no one outshines the great BARON BLAKEY" "a mere baron?" "m-mere?! i'll have you know i did countless services to the king of chicago to earn this title!!! i won't have some upstart commoner look down on me!!!" "commoner? don't make me laugh; i'm a duke" "a d-DUKE?!" Blakey attempts to compose himself, still visibly shaken. "ahem: you're a terrible liar" "yeah which is why i told the truth to you just now" "you wouldn't know 'truth' if it walked up and asked you to take it home" Giselle walks up to Blakey, hearing her cue. "speaking of: take me home" "wha-NOW?! but i'm defending the fort!!!" Giselle's eyes widen and twinkle. "i just can't say no to you; come on" Blakey walks off, and Jakey seizes the fort. "THAT WASN'T CONVOLUTED THAT WAS A COINCIDENCE" "not so; see i knew that if i had an impostor, my sister would as well so i had my ninja maid noriko stuff giselle into a sack, releasing her only when the time was right; however, in order to learn giselle's location, i had to trade a pterodactyl to a chicagoan girl whose name was inconsequential, and, as we know, pterodactyls like the herbs on the snowy mountain, so i had to answer lyla's conundrums three and-" "OKAY I GET IT" Michelle plants a third Pangaean flag proudly in the fort. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the third fort]