Something to That Effect (2029)

Mission 051: The Business of the People [Ilona]
"hey kid, just the debt-collector i wanted to see; you know fubuki, the demoness of smoke?" "yeah" "well she owes me money and i want you to either collect or to break her legs" "i'm on it" Jakey heads out for the address of Fubuki's main place of business, the only company in the world that makes flame decals. "hey bookie, i'm here on behalf of ilona at the adventures in debenture moneylender" "jakey take pity on me please; my flame decal business plans have gone down the tubes" "how so" "printing flame decals costs a lot of money, and i can't recoup the losses if i don't sell them" "so sell some" "but then people will put them on their cars and my innate advantage in races will be gone" "has anyone raced you since you took sole ownership of all flame decals" "no" "so you're fucked either way" "man i had this great idea and no one is around to fall for it" "so i need that crisp fiver you borrowed or i'll have to break your legs" Fubuki hands Jakey a bill. "this is a oner" "but i put flame decals on it so it's faster than any other bill, which increases the value tenfold" "let me check with my supervisor" Jakey walks over to the payphone and gives Ilona a call. "yeah uh-huh okay" Jakey hangs up the phone. "so are we square?" "i owe you money now apparently" Jakey digs around and hands Ilona one of his less-crisp fivers. "pleasure doing" "yeah yeah" Jakey returns to the Adventures in Debenture moneylender and attempts to hand Ilona the oner with the flame decals, but it speeds out of his hand and out the window instead. Ilona gives Jakey a stern look, and Jakey begrudgingly reaches into his wallet and hands Ilona two crisp fivers in repayment. "i lost fifteen dollars on this deal" "so you did" Michelle walks in, having caught the speeding oner. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fubuki missions]

Mission 052: The Delicate Balance [Irona]
"jakey can you believe this shit? eleatrice shifted the delicate balance of power among the major demonesses, and it puts me at a severe disadvantage!!!" "oh yeah your best matchup was with echidna, wasn't it" "yeah snakes can't bite through metal, and metal is immune to their poisons" "but elemenopeia can just delete the letter I-R-O-N from you and make metal a thing of the past" "yeah i'm fucked; i have no good matchups remaining except like leanthe but she sucks anyway" "true; eleatrice and gremory are hard counters to you" "eleatrice is a coward; her hard counter is a minor demoness so she doesn't have to worry about rubina becoming queen of hell" "it just makes good sense to avoid putting your one weakness in a position to succeed; if you were queen of hell, you'd likely demote eleatrice out of spite" "yes, and put echidna back in her rightful place" "so next year when echidna attempts her inevitable uprising, you'll take her side" "i didn't say that and you can't say i did or i will call my lawyer and sue you; in fact, i am calling my lawyer right now" Just then, the demoness of law, Sheraden Flask, appears. "sherry, make jakey sign an anti-libel agreement" Sheraden poofs up an agreement, and Jakey rolls his eyes before signing it. "irona, you know i have a policy of impassioned non-intervention" "well now you have a legally-binding document uh binding you to it" "i have diplomatic immunity; i can break any contract i wish and get away with it" "sherry, is this true" "yeah" "okay fine i will bribe you to keep my secret safe" Irona hands Jakey a crisp fiver, which helps him recoup his previous losses. "um thanks" "don't mention it please" Michelle walks up, and holds out her hand. Irona gives up another crisp fiver to buy Michelle's silence. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 053: Kingdom in the Clouds [Wynne]
"hey jakey i have decided to secretly form my own evil country to rival hell and gomorrah" "what's it called" "well i recruited elemenopeia as ministress of defense, so i thought it would be appropriate to call it babel" "so if the humans build a tower that gets too close to babel, elemenopeia will curse them by making some of them retarded" "exactly" "this is just what you demonesses needed; a third evil nation to splinter your faction further so the olympians can take over" "you're just jealous you don't have your own nation to rule over" "canada" "damn i forgot about that one" "it's right there; you built your tower with a great view of the castle" "that's yours? i thought that was santa's workshop" "it doesn't look christmasy at all" "well he obviously wouldn't put out the decorations in september" "fair point" "so let me tell you about babel and why we're better than hell or gomorrah" "please do" "you know how eleatrice has all those undead to micromanage, and lilith has her hands full with those goblins?" "yeah" "well babel has zero peasants we have to rule" "so it's basically a clubhouse for you and elemenopeia" "pretty much yeah" "it's a neat idea at least" "there's an open spot as king of babel if you want it" "i'll consider it along with my offers to become king of hell again, king of gomorrah, and king of burgers" "king of burgers?" "when i went to burger king they tried to give me a crown so i assume they want me to be their king" "makes sense" "i haven't seen who my queen would be though and that scares me" "it should scare anyone" Michelle walks up and hangs a portrait of herself in Babel's governing building, the Malevolent Hall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lilith missions]

Mission 054: Kingdom Out of the Clouds [Gravella]
"hey gravella what are you staring at out in the ocean" "i noticed there was a mansion-like building floating in the clouds; it seems that wynne and elemenopeia have created a secret club and didn't invite me" "that's awful" "no matter" Gravella uses her power over gravity to pull Babel down from the clouds and into the ocean. Wynne splashes around in the ocean. "HELP I CAN'T SWIM" Jakey attempts to throw a life preserver, but Wynne is miles out to sea. Gravella changes Wynne's personal gravity to launch her toward Gravella's position. "hey wynnie; nice secret club" "it was until about five minutes ago" "shame about what happened; if only you had a club member who could lift the manor from the bottom of the ocean" "gravella, do you want to join our country" "oh i didn't know it was a whole country; for me to defect from hell, i'd need some kind of salaried position" Wynne grits her teeth. "gravella, how would you like to become babel's um head of gravimetric affairs" "ooh sounds like a highly-paid position" "you know it" "i accept" Gravella raises Babel back into the sky, and she and Wynne head to hash out a contract. Michelle washes up ashore. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wynne missions]

Mission 055: Kingdom Out of Time [Timera]
"hey timera what are you staring at out in the ocean" "i noticed there was a chateau-like building floating in the clouds; it seems that wynne and elemenopeia have created a secret club and didn't invite me" "that's awful" "no matter" Timera uses her power over time to stop Babel's martini blender. Wynne sighs, and heads down to see what Timera wants. "hey wynnie what a coincidence; i was just talking to jakey here about your secret club" "of course you were" "shame about what happened; if only you had a club member who could unfreeze time within the chateau" "timera, do you want to join our country" "ooh, a country; of course, you'll have to-" "head of chronology" "i assume that comes with a high salary?" "of course" "i accept" Timera unfreezes the blenders, and she and Wynne head to hash out a contract over margaritas. Michelle falls out of Babel and onto Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 056: Replacement in the Workforce [Eleatrice]
"jakey, i'm sure you remember the events of last year" "give me a quick summary as it pertains to you" "scarlett, my best earner due to her lycanthropy, was killed by someone who may or may not be in this room, then became an angel, so she's out of my jurisdiction and onto that awful nyx's" "to be fair, she had gone insane due to pisces and lupus being in concert" "yes yes i know you had no choice and she was gone before you killed her but i still feel a small amount of animosity" "fair" "so i used my mastery of electronics to create a replacement" "is it a robot?" "no, better: a hologram" Eleatrice presses a button, and a songstress appears. "wow what's her name" "bath_singer.exe" "catchy" "it's meta; the kids will love it" "i'll just call her dot" "that's fine, unless you're promoting her at an official event, in which case you will be legally required to use her full name" "fair" "for maximum market penetration, i gave her both a handheld microphone and a headset microphone" "won't that cause a lot of feedback" "yeah people will be talking all about it" "that's-" "also also the best part: despite being a hologram, she can interact with an actual bath and bathe for real" "aren't the microphones an electrocution hazard" "she's a hologram; all of her internals are in this projector" "okay" "well enough talk; time for the maiden voyage" Eleatrice presses another button, activating the main mode of the hologram, and hijacking all television and radio signals. "hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "uh okay" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand as she enters the bath and begins to sing her jolly tune. "♫sister christian oh the time has come, and you know that you're the only one to say 'okay'♫" Jakey bops along to the tune with untold joy, as it is one of the greatest tunes in history. Just then, Scarlett bursts in. "ELEATRICE!!! you know i'd been saving that tune for a special occasion!!! it's one of the all-time greats!!!" "i know; what's more special than the inaugural run of your replacement?" "♫YOU'RE MOTORIN'!!! WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT?! IN FINDING MISTER RIGHT!!! YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT TONIGHT♫" "people will never take to this this imitation over the real deal; this hologram is a disgrace" "we'll see won't we?" Scarlett storms off, and bath_singer.exe finishes her bath. Michelle walks in, all decked out in bath_singer.exe fan gear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bath_singer.exe missions]

Mission 057: Keep the Gravy Train Rolling [Eleatrice]
"jakey great news; bath_singer.exe is a worldwide sensation after just one song!!!" "singing sister christian is basically cheating" "i know, isn't it great? i'm so happy, i myself wish to take a bubbled bath; please guard it for me and only come in if i yell 'TORULA YEAST'" "got it" Eleatrice turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i'm a mean machine; i'm the kind you don't wanna meet♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, an errant vibration knocks bath_singer.exe's control off the shelf, activating the button. "hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "wait no eleatrice is already in the bath" "♫HERE I COME, BETTER STEP ASIDE; HERE I COME, I'M COMIN' ATCHA LIVE♫" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand, and she walks straight through Jakey and the door. "♫everybody is waitin' for everybody to get out; i'll join 'em talkin' 'bout the people everybody talk about♫" Jakey nervously waits, the two tunes not really melding together at all. Eleatrice exits the bath first. "looks like i'm going to have to fix that issue; can't have her walking straight into someone else's bath" "♫PICKIN' IT UP, BUT THEN I PUT IT BACK DOWN; PICKIN' IT UP, BUT THEN I PUT IT BACK DOWN♫" Eleatrice waits for bath_singer.exe to be done, then begins to tinker. Michelle exits the bath third. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 058: Healthy Competition [Nyx]
"jakey, have you heard of this bath_singer.exe thing eleatrice made?" "i was clearly in the first video posted for it" "yeah yeah whatever; well you know how olympus gets its own counterpart to every demoness? well bath_singer.exe is classified as a demoness, so we have our own" "wow a spicy bath singing rivalry is just what we need" "yes, BEHOLD!!! bath_vocals.jpg!!!" Nyx holds up a still image of a girl holding a microphone. "it's like you took bath_singer.exe and sucked all the personality and technology out of her" "you're going to eat these words when we sell 8x10 glossies of this jpg for hundreds" "what about scarlett?" "who?" "the previous hot songstress, who is still under your employ" "oh, her; maybe in a few years she can do a comeback tour or something who cares; bath_vocals.jpg is set to be the new hotness" "she exists only as a single still image, and that image has zero dynamism in its pose" "what?! bath_vocals.jpg is dynamic as hell!!!" "she's just standing there" "j-just standing there?! her stance drips with confidence and bravado!!!" "it drips with 'i've never held a microphone before what do i do with my hands'" "we will let the free market decide" "how much are you pouring into advertising" "i gave apate three billion dollars to pour into advertising" "apate? you'll be lucky if she puts a hundred thousand into it" "even zero dollars would be enough for bath_vocals.jpg; she is an icon waiting to be unleashed" "uh-huh" Michelle walks in, takes a glance at bath_vocals.jpg, and gives it a thumbs down. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Apate missions]

Mission 059: Appearance Fee [Enyo]
"hey enyo i'd like to offer you my condolences on how elemenopeia's ascension to major demoness has had a ripple effect that makes you, her new demonic counterpart, absolutely adorable" "thanks; it's a real pain being this cute" "i can't even imagine" "old ladies keep trying to pinch my cheeks; when i threaten to slaughter them and their families, they just pat me on the head and tell me how cute i am" "those damn old ladies are a menace; no one likes being pinched, especially in the cheeks" "i know; this is all that damn elemenopeia's fault" "so do the olympians' appearances take after the demonesses'? i always thought it was the opposite and i just met the two groups in the wrong order" "no, evil came first; 'good' was created as a response to it" "oh" "so whenever a swap happens to the demonesses, the olympians pay for it" "but what about the opposite? apate got promoted to major goddess last year, and she still looks like busara, a minor demoness" "that's because of nyx's blood pact; she created two daughters, which brought about two counterpart demonesses; those four are linked by a pact with more power than the regular rules" "i suppose it worked out for the best; i can't imagine apate looking like leanthe" "i couldn't imagine myself looking like elemenopeia but here we are" "it looks good on you" "THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!! people used to fear me, but now they pat me on the head!!!" "you sound like someone who could use some headpats" "try it and die" "it's hard to take you seriously when your eyes twinkle like that" "i know it sucks" Michelle walks up and pats Enyo on the head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Busara missions/Nyx missions]

Mission 060: Eternal Grudge [Enyo]
"hey jakey you see that olympian over there?" "the one who looks like a blonde echidna?" "yeah that's hecate and she sucks" "i can see why you'd take that position" "she's the goddess of magic or the moon or some shit and she stole my look" "it was forced upon her just as elemenopeia's was forced upon you" "i'm going to go and slice her up with my big sword" "are you sure that's a good idea?" "it's not; it's a great idea" Enyo stomps up to Hecate and rears back her oversized sword. Hecate drops a moon on her, at 1:518,208 scale, making it 22 feet around. "ow" "enyo i know how you feel; i wish i were as cute as i used to be, but the only way for things to go back to the way they used to be is for you to step down and become a minor goddess" "but then there wouldn't be nearly as many wars, and that would RUIN the economy!!!" "sounds like you're stuck then; even if i become a major goddess, echidna's appearance would just go to whomever i replaced" "goddamn my value to the world's economy" Enyo pouts, which is simply adorable. "awww" Michelle runs up and pats Enyo on the head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hecate missions]

Mission 061: A Relaxing Day [Enyo]
"hey enyo, you've been very tense lately; you should take a bubbly bath" "you know? that sounds nice; could you guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'SODIUM DIACETATE'" "yes ma'am" Enyo turns and grabs her rubbery duck and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫they can make things worse for me; sometimes, i'd rather die; they can tell me lots of things, but i can't see eye-to-eye♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a woman who looks an awful lot like Libella ambles up the stairs. "hello there sir; i am here to see enyo" "enyo is in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫BLOODSTAINS, SPEED KILLS; FAST CARS, CHEAP THRILLS; RICH GIRLS, FINE WINE; I LOST MY SENSE, I LOST CONTROL, I LOST MY MIND♫" "my name is mnemosyne, the goddess of memory" "um hi" "i am here to see enyo" "yes, you said that" "did i? i don't remember that; fetch enyo for me so we can catch up" "i already told you, she's in the bath" "really? i don't remember that; my name is mnemosyne, by the way" "yes, you've told me" "oh? i don't remember that; i'm here to see enyo" "she's in the bath" "oh why didn't you just say so? my name is mnemosyne, in case you were wondering" Jakey cups his hands over his face and runs them backward, slightly dragging his face away from the center. Luckily, Enyo chose a short song, so she exits the bath in short order. "oh, hello mnemosyne" "oh hello there miss; i'm looking for enyo" "i am enyo" "really? i don't remember enyo looking like that" "yeah because my appearance was changed by the comic balance" "oh unlucky; my name is mnemosyne, by the way" "yes" Enyo and Mnemosyne walk off, with Mnemosyne continuing to introduce herself. Michelle walks up. "hello my name is michelle; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 062: True Tales [Libella]
"hey libella, i've got a question: you know your olympic counterpart, mnemosyne? why can't she remember anything for more than five seconds" "oh it's a tragic tale; back in the 1920s after prohibition, jezzie realized how important alcohol was, and promoted me to major demoness in place of colouria" "really? colouria?" "that's why all the photos and videos of the 30s/40s/50s are in black and white" "that makes sense actually" "eventually, everyone got tired of everything being black and white, and jezzie restored the original line-up, bumping me back down to minor demoness, but here's how it relates to mnemosyne: mnemosyne was originally colouria's counterpart, but then she became my counterpart when i was promoted; when jezzie promoted colouria back into my spot, hera took the initiative to also promote iris to mnemosyne's spot" "iris?" "the goddess of the rainbow; regardless, this means that now i, the goddess of liquor, and mnemosyne, the goddess of memory, are linked at the hip, and liquor is not good for the memory" "that mostly makes sense, but why was drunkenness originally linked to rainbows" "the rainbow was originally just different shades of green" "oh the st. patrick's day connection" "right, but then in the 60s, iris was linked to colouria and the rainbow gained other colors besides green" "why don't they teach this in history class" "they probably don't want people worshipping demonesses, in spite of the fact that we contribute more to society than anyone" Michelle stumbles up, drunk on Libella's liquids. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Colouria missions]

Mission 063: Idle Thoughts [Libella]
"hey libella, you're pretty knowledgable about demoness stuff; i had more questions" "ask away; it's my job as the tender of bar to do my best to solve all your problems" "so if the queen of hell can demote any demoness she wishes, prohibitting that demoness from becoming queen of hell, why did no one think to demote jezzie before she came back to reclaim her throne" "demoting jezzie is the worst possible thing a queen of hell could do; jezzie is darkness incarnate, and darkness represents evil in its purest form; if jezzie is demoted, there is less darkness, thus less evil, thus the olympians can invade and destroy hell" "so if the foundational elements aren't just what they are at face-value, and also represent other, less tangible concepts, does that mean that demoting icelia would eliminate cold and basically burn everyone alive?" "right; you could demote lilith alongside her, but then there'd be no temperature at all, which would weaken wynne, remove a bunch of the earth's oxygen, and everyone would die" "so basically it's 'meddle at your own (and everyone else's) peril'" "pretty much; the only three spots that could ever be shifted around without destroying the earth are colouria, echidna/elemenopeia, and eleatrice herself; however, in today's world that relies so much on electricity, demoting eleatrice would completely uproot society" "and she's been queen of hell for so long now that we've grown completely dependent on how much that queenly power boost increases electrical output" "also remember that the olympians are affected by the elements they're attached to; for example, under echidna, enyo's wars were deadly and could kill long after the battle had ended, but under elemenopeia, the wars are more just people calling eachother faggots" "so if eleatrice had instead promoted sheraden flask, wars would be about who can bend the rules of war the hardest without breaking them" "a scary thought" "man all these permutations and consequences kind of make you hope eleatrice leaves well enough alone" "she's made one good change, but she should definitely quit while she's ahead; unless, of course, she wanted to promote me again" "i can see why you'd be in favor of that" Michelle stumbles up, drunk on Libella's fumes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Enyo missions]

Mission 064: Frosty Reception [Icelia]
"hey icelia i see that you've still got violet frozen" "yes, since icelia tipped her over, this peasant makes a great table to hold icelia's drink" "so i take it you're not going to release her back into the wild any time soon" "this foolish peasant will be on display for generations as a monument to what happens to those who defy icelia" "is there any way i can buy her off you" "you should know by now that icelia is above petty bribery; icelia already has everything icelia could want save one thing: obedience" "that's fair i suppose; this is probably a better time for her than when she was trapped in that volcano anyway" "back in the ice age, icelia's age, peasants would line up from miles around to be icelia's furniture; likely, this one's ancestor was one of icelia's chairs" "um okay" "now if you will excuse icelia, icelia must be rehearsing for icelia's performance later tonight" "break a leg i suppose" "do not worry; icelia always has plenty of legs on hand for breaking" Icelia glides off, leaving Violet unattended. Jakey briefly considers defying Icelia, but thinks better of it. Michelle briefly considers not asking Jakey to take her home, but thinks better of it. Jakey would never consider defying Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 065: Higher Learning [Odilia]
"jakey that eleatrice is a menace" "still hung up about her, huh" "more hung up than ever before; ever since she promoted elemenopeia to major demoness, my spellbooks have gotten way too verbose; every incantation is now three pages long!!!" "which one are you trying to cast" "just the basic fireball, but i inevitably stumble over one of the magic words before i get through three pages" "have you tried holding your arm out and yelling 'FIREBALL'" "no because that won't work" "why not" "because why would there be such a big spellbook if things were so simple?!" "maybe they're pranking you" "pranking me" "just try it; i won't laugh if it doesn't work" "fine fine" Odilia holds out her arm. "FIREBALL" A ball of fire shoots out of her palm. "IT WAS THAT EASY?!" "most things usually are" "so if i want to summon pancakes, i just hold out my arm and yell PANCAKES" Nothing happens. "that's obviously not how it works" "how is that obvious?!" "fire is one of the foundational elements of the universe; pancakes are not" "okay wise guy, let's try this one: GRASSBALL" A lump of grass tumbles from Odilia's palm. "so i can summon fire, ice, water, grass, wind, earth, metal, darkness, electricity, gravity, time, color, and letters easily" "sounds like it" "L-A-M-E" The letters L-A-M-E shoot out of Odilia's hand, and hover in the air above her. "um are these going to go away any time soon" "doesn't look like it" "great now people will think i'm lame" "they already thought that" "thanks" Michelle walks up and steals the M from Odilia, to use for her own purposes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 066: Anger That Can Move Mountains [Scarlett]
"jakey can you believe that bath_singer.exe creature?! not only does she steal my thunder, she steals the song i was planning on singing eventually when the moment called for it!!!" "eleatrice is the queen of hell; are you really surprised that when she lost her number one moneymaker, she stooped to extremely petty revenge?" "i guess not but i'm still mad about it" "so take a bath to get your mind off it" "you know what? i believe i shall; please guard it for me and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫now that i've lost everything to you, you say you wanna start something new, and it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'; baby i'm grievin'♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Eleatrice turns on bath_singer.exe nearby. "hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "no not this again; scarlett is already in the bath" "♫OOH, BABY, BABY, IT'S A WILD WORLD; IT'S HARD TO GET BY JUST UPON A SMILE♫" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand as she walks straight through Jakey, enters the bath, and begins to sing her jolly tune. "♫now and then, i think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy, you could die♫" Jakey becomes extremely nervous. In the bubblybath guard's handbook, in the event someone gets past the guard, the party whose bath was interrupted can order the guard to commit suicide or other self-harm in a manner of his or her choosing. Scarlett stomps out of the bath, dripping wet and naked. "♫BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT ME OFF; MAKE OUT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED AND THAT WE WERE NOTHING♫" "I LOATHE THAT WOMAN" "sorry i tried my best but holograms can just walk right through me" "i'm not mad at you; i'm mad at eleatrice" "oh good" "i will have my revenge, somehow, someway" "your angelic glow is fading; you should probably cool off a bit before you accidentally turn yourself into a demoness or something and you'd have to go back to working for eleatrice again" "life is pain, death is worse" "you could sell t-shirts with that line" "i'll consider it" Michelle walks up, dripping wet and naked. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 067: Preventative Measures [Scarlett]
"okay jakey i'm ready this time; i've got a plan, and i need you to guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫there's a story in my eyes; turn the pages of desire♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Eleatrice once again turns on bath_singer.exe nearby. "hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "no not this again; scarlett is already in the bath" "♫I CAN'T HOLD BACK, I'M ON THE EDGE; I CAN'T HOLD BACK, YOUR VOICE EXPLODES INSIDE MY HEAD♫" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand as she walks straight through Jakey, but before she can enter the bath, bath_singer.exe is lit on fire and pushed back onto the floor. "help: i need somebody; help: you know i need somebody; help: i need someone" "NOOOOOO!!!" Eleatrice turns off bath_singer.exe and runs off. "THIS ISN'T OVER!!!" Scarlett exits her bath, triumphant. "that went well" "it didn't stop the menace as a whole, but now my bath can't be interrupted again so that's nice" "hmm i wonder" "don't wonder; reassure me that the millions of dollars i spent were a good investment" "um there there" Scarlett grumbles to herself as she walks off. Michelle grumbles to herself as she walks on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 068: Disrespecting Boundaries [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫woke up to the sound of pourin' rain; the wind would whisper, and i'd think of you♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Eleatrice whistles for Candice to get to work. Hopped up on her energy supplements, Candice quickly builds a second, identical bathroom right next to Scarlett's. Smugly, Eleatrice once again turns on bath_singer.exe nearby. "hello: jakey; be a dear and guard my bath and only come in if i yell: 'INVERT SUGAR'" "please don't" "♫REMEMBER YESTERDAY!!! WALKIN' HAND-IN-HAND!!! LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND; I REMEMBER YOU♫" A holographic rubber ducky appears in bath_singer.exe's hand as she enters the bath and begins to sing her jolly tune. "♫hold on, little girl; show me what he's done to you; stand up, little girl; a broken heart can't be that bad♫" The two glam metal ballad classics allow neither to be fully heard, and Scarlett again storms out of the bath, naked and angry. "♫I'M THE ONE WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU; DEEP INSIDE, I HOPE YOU FEEL IT TOO♫" "NO I FUCKING DON'T" "well on the bright side, now you have two baths in case one of them gets um dry" "there is that, yes" Michelle drags a third bathtub up the stairs, filled to the brim with water. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 069: Join My Crew [(L)Aura]
"jakey you've got to assist me; i wanted enyo to join my crusade against the demoness of non-numeric characters since nike an heroed, but i appear to have offended her somehow" "did you call her cute" "that's what did it?! but she's cute to an extreme degree!!! to the max, even!!!" "you need to remember that she is the goddess of war, and was originally the counterpart of echidna, but when echidna was demoted and elemenopeia was promoted, enyo's appearance changed to match her new counterpart, elemenopeia" "wait what that makes no sense" "it's magic" "oh" "regardless, enyo is absolutely livid that her appearance changed to the new adorable one and that no one takes her seriously because of it" "poor woman; she was given a great gift, and resents it" "i know, right? some people just don't realize when good things happen to them" The post lady drives up, and hands (L)Aura a package. "oh a package from enyo; i bet it's a nice gift to say sorry for before" (L)Aura opens the package, and the room immediately floods with the letter L. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GET THEM OFF OF ME!!! RENDER YOUR AID TO ME!!!" Jakey throws L after L into the road, eventually unearthing Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 070: A Big Fan [(L)Aura]
"hey aura nice shirt" "thanks; i've ever enjoyed the concept of a superstar who sings in the bath, but i was never fond of the previous one, who turned into a canine-woman hybrid when the moon reached its biggest size in the night sky" "earlier, you called her a 'paragon of the soap-orb bath'" "i was fibbing" "because her name has the character between K and M in it" "that and i am not fond of hair with a hue near that of straw, but bath_singer.exe has no such things; she is perfect in every way" "you dislike people for having certain hair colors?" "brown and ginger are the good ones; the rest are dead to me" "people are born blonde and with black hair you know" "if the second category wants to say 'ebony hair' or 'raven hair', i can forgive it" "but no such luck for blondes?" "that accursed demoness is one of those; anyone worth knowing is assured to have changed her hair to be a different hue out of sheer embarrassment for being in the same category as that wretched demoness" "so anyway, bath_singer.exe" "right, she's great; i very much enjoyed when she sang sister christian; it is one of the greatest songs ever recorded" "definitely" Michelle jumps outside (L)Aura's window, waiting to be seen. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 071: A Headache of a Case [Natalie]
"ugh i need to choose my clients better" "what's wrong" "i accepted these goblins' case against lilith, and i wish i hadn't; they're on hunger strike, and all they do is loudly complain about how hungry they are" "well if you win the lawsuit, they'll probably stuff their faces until they explode" "we can only hope" Natalie goes behind the bench, and Jakey takes his place in the gallery. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i will be inspecting this trial, the trial of the people vs lilith; plaintiff, your opening statement" Gobigail rises weakly, in spite of the agreement that Natalie would do the talking. "i'm so hungry" "bailiff, the plaintiff appears to be starving to death; don't we have any food we can give her" There is no response. "oh right i don't have a bailiff; you, jakey, in the gallery, get this goblin a hot dog" "NO we're on hunger strike until our demands are met" "um okay, so make your case" "i'm so hungry" "plaintiff, control your client" "i wish i could" "fine; give your opening statement" "my client asserts that the people of gomorrah, the bulk of the goblin race, were not allowed to celebrate a holiday with high significance to their culture, st. patrick's day, and-" "i'm so hungry" Ruth bangs her gavel. "okay i've heard enough; my sentence is 150 days in prison for the plaintiff" "WHAT this is a civil trial not a criminal trial" "i need an asprin" Ruth bangs her gavel again, and heads to her chamber. Natalie glares at Gobigail. "did we win" "no, you lost in a worse manner than anyone ever has in the history of civil trials" "i'm so hungry" Natalie slaps Gobigail across the face with a sharp, loud backhand. Ruth pokes her head out of her chamber. "i award the plaintiff's lawyer a sum of $100" Michelle pokes her head out of her chamber. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 072: All the Letters in the World [Elemenopeia]
"jakey i am in a marvellous mood today; i believe i shall take a bath, and i would like for you to guard it for me; come in only if i yell 'SODIUM HEXAMETAPHOSPHATE'" "on it" Elemeneopeia turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into the bath, where she begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫a is for action, p is for paranoid; a is for anger, out here in the void♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a disguntled dragon lady named Drita floats up the stairs. "jakey, i need to see elemenopeia" "she's in the bath" "♫A-LANG-A-LANG-A-LANG ON; WHERE DO THEY GO, SAVE YOUR SOULS, NOW, YOU GOT TO STAY STRONG♫" "listen, this is important: we dragon ladies keep to ourselves mostly, but elemenopeia has slighted us in a way that is very embarrassing" "it can't be that bad" "our official species name on the registry was changed to 'dwagon'" "that's adorable" "which is not what we're going for; dragon ladies are supposed to be cool and strong, not cute" "listen, i'll just tell you: the dwagons are far from the first to be offended by elemenopeia's rise to power making everyone adorable instead of tough and cool; the goddess enyo is livid that she's now elemenopeia's counterpart, and thus cute as a whole stack of buttons" "and does she plan to do anything about it?" "she wants to raise an army to fight elemenopeia, but none of her soldiers take her seriously any more due to her new appearance" "perfect; we dragon ladies will join her army, and our might will make the hells themselves afraid" "it's hard to be afraid of an adorable woman leading an army of dwagons" "you'll see; you'll all see" Drita retreats from Elemenopeia's house, her widdle dwagon tail wagging in the breeze as she does. Elemenopeia then exits the bath. "did i miss anything" "not really; i didn't think you'd like that song because they spell 'apocalypse' wrong" "i invented dyslexia because i find it amusing" "makes sense" Michelle walks up, having developed a condition. "kate em hemo" "elemenopeia, please don't do that to my sister" "fine" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Drita missions]

Mission 073: A New Flavor Sensation [Fubuki]
"hey bookie, are you cooking?" "yes, i make a lot of residual profits from people smoking meats, but i went to a state fair this one time, and they were deep-frying everything from butter to ice cream, so i decided that i needed to innovate to get more money than the demoness of oil, oilana" "makes sense; what have you been smoking so far" "well i decided to start off easy; i've got a plate here of smoked chocolate, smoked jolly ranchers, and smoked sandwich cookies; try some and tell me what you think" "oh okay thanks" Jakey grabs a smoked chocolate bar and breaks off a chunk to put in his mouth. "it's uh different" "i've got seasonings here if you think it needs something extra" "hmm" Jakey puts some salt on the smoked chocolate bar, and tries it again. His face goes completely blank. "fubuki" "yes?" "you are going to make millions" "that good?" "i may be ruined for other forms of chocolate" Fubuki salts up some smoked chocolate and pops it into her mouth. "i believe that you are correct" Just then, Oilana goops up to the smoking station. "heyyyyy fubu; i heard you were trying to outdo me and my deep-frying" "yeah i believe i've succeeded" "oh yeah? let me try some of that" Fubuki salts some smoked chocolate and hands it off to Oilana. Oilana's face goes completely blank. "i've got to go" Oilana runs off, needing to one-up this flavor sensation before it completely bankrupts her. "well i've got to go do some market research and get this on store shelves right away" "i will leave you to it" Michelle walks up, her face stuffed with smoked Jolly Ranchers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Oilana missions]

Mission 074: A Peaceful Quiet [Lilith]
"oh hey jakey; i sent a fruit basket to that lawyer of yours for all her help" "really? she was against you" "yeah but now all the goblins are in jail and i've got peace and quiet" "and zero manual labor" "i didn't have any before what with the hunger strike" "fair" "now i have time to get back to my hobbies" "i didn't know you had hobbies" "i'll have you know that i am an accomplished fisherman" "really" "observe" Lilith walks over to the pond and sets it ablaze, killing and cooking every fish in it simultaneously. "it's an interesting technique" "and now i can feed myself and the goblins for weeks" "what goblins" "oh, right; more for me" "you can't possibly eat all of this fish yourself" "maybe i'll throw a party for all my friends" "you have friends?" "yeah totally; um want to come to a party jakey? we've got fish" "i do like fish" "okay i'll put you down for about a hundred pounds of it" "joy" Michelle walks up and begins eating fish after fish. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 075: The Woodwork [Wynne]
"jakey this babel thing is for the birds" "i mean it is in the sky" "i started it initially as a cool little clubhouse for me and a couple of friends, but now every demoness seems to have heard of it and demonesses i've never even heard of are coming out of the woodwork!!!" "we really should demolish the woodwork; nothing good ever happens when people bring it up" "did you know there are demonesses of goo, oil, smoke, and even fucking rubber?!" "yeah, i've never met goosephone, and rubina is an absolute cunt, but the other two are nice ladies" Just then, Acidella, the demoness of acid, glides up. "hey wynne i heard about your secret club and i want in" "you know what? you can be queen; i'm done with it" Wynne plops the Babel crown onto Acidella's head, and flies off. "what's her problem" "no one can keep a secret, and she just wants to be alone, as she originally intended when she formed babel" "well her loss; things are going to be great under my queenship" "i'm sure" Acidella flutters off, and Michelle flutters down from Babel, wearing a lampshade on her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Fubuki missions/Acidella missions]