Something to That Effect (2029)

Mission 101: Bright and Sunny [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn? is that you?" "um yes" "sorry i almost didn't recognize you wearing actual colors; i thought you were allergic to them" "eleatrice lets us choose our own outfits, so i am no longer bound to white and black" "was that a rule before? i thought that was just you being a weird pseudo-goth chick" "well mostly it's because the clothes stores were all closed after dark so i had to wear whatever was purchased for me" "makes sense; what are you doing with your newfound ability to go into the sun" "mostly staying inside, but by choice this time" "nice" "i'll say; it's nice to have the option of going outside in the daytime, but the sun is so bright that i really just don't want to" "a common sentiment" "so i have gotten into books recently" "reading them?" "no, i just like to look at the cover, then judge them harshly for it" "a common practice" "this is my collection of books that i liked the covers of" "wow you've got a whole four books here" "i know right" "this one has a guy with a big knife on the cover" "yeah he's awesome" "i don't think any other book can surpass this one" "agreed but i keep looking" Michelle walks up and adds to the collection a copy of Jerry Trotter and the Chamber of Gas. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 102: An Amazing Innovation [Gwendolyn]
"jakey good news i figured out that if i get rid of the 'pages' of the book, the good part takes up less space" "yeah that's just the filler they put in there so they can charge you more" "i know right? i've put the knife guy cover in a frame and put it on the wall" "smart choice; i'd have done it myself if i'd discovered that particular work of art first" "i should write a book about this, but like it's just the cover" "i don't know; the book-style bigwigs might have you assassinated for producing such a perfect book" "true; i'll just post it anonymously online" "maybe set up a program to spam it on the board every hour or so" "brilliant" Gwendolyn gets to work, and Michelle adds another book to the collection: Jerry Trotter and the Ghastly Sandwich. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 103: The Circe of Life [Circe]
"hey circe, how's the scam business going" "lucrative as always" "what's the latest scam" "i have successfully created a drug that cures cancer" "really" "yes, but as a side-effect, it gives you appendicitis" "that's um not good" "so that means that i redirect every customer to iaso, the goddess of health, to remove the appendixes; but here's the best part: the drug doesn't really cause appendicitis" "what" "it affects the muscles next to the appendix, making the drug-taker think he/she has appendicitis, thus causing that person to go and get the appendix removed for the wrong reason; then we can sell the perfectly health appendixes for profit" "people buy used appendixes?" "yes" "why" "no idea; if i had to guess, i'd say book companies grind them up and mix them with the ink to write the appendix of a book, hence the name" "makes sense" "so yeah the money rolls right in; here's your hush money by the way" Circe hands Jakey a crisp fiver. "thank you muchly" Michelle walks up and throws an appendix against the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 104: Tragedy [Elemenopeia]
"hey elemenopeia how's business" "i've been tinkering with new consonant combinations, such as Z-L-X" "how is that pronounced" "i haven't figured that part out yet" "how is it used" "i haven't figured that out either" Just then, and without warning, a vicious blow is struck to the back of Elemenopeia's neck. "ZLX!!!" Enyo unsheathes her sword from the back of Elemenopeia's neck, killing her for the next two years. "thanks for the distraction jakey" "um any time" Enyo severs Elemenopeia's head, and claims it as a trophy. "with this proof of my savagery, the world will fear the name 'enyo'" "until they see the face associated with it, at which point the fear will be replaced with 'd'awwww'" "maybe making people underestimate me can be my new tactic; instead of intimidating people into doing what i say, i can be so cute that they can't help but rally under my banner" "yeah, embrace the cuteness, don't hate it" "i am going to go and practice being cute; excuse me" Enyo takes her leave as Michelle takes her entry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 105: Making Waves [Enyo]
"hey jakey you have diplomatic immunity to propaganda right" "right" "i need an objective eye to rate my campaign posters on a scale of 'wow she's cute' to 'she is so cute that i must obey her every command'" "the first one is of me pointing at the viewer and saying 'i want you to join the olympian army'" "eh it's kind of cute" "okay how about this one: it's of me looking sad that someone declined to join my army and slay my enemies" "were i not legally disallowed from joining the army of foreign nations, i would rush right out to join under you after that one" "nice and this third one is of me in a frilly swimsuit" "no slogan?" "a picture is worth a thousand words" "i like this one a lot and would like to hang it in my den" "you have a den?" "i will make a den" "okay fair enough" Enyo hands Jakey the third poster. "so sad me wins it then?" "yeah anyone who doesn't join your army after that is either pure evil or in some kind of diplomatic situation that makes it awkward to join a foreign military" "perfect" Michelle walks up and sheds a single tear at her inability to join Enyo's army. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 106: Wealth Beyond Measure [Mary]
Jakey enters his apartment, and does not recognize the place at all. "i was cooped up in this apartment all summer long, and less than a month later, it's a fully-functional business" Mary flies up from within her desk drawer. "hello sir and welcome to scrapscoin LTD, where all your intangible currency-related dreams might someday come true" "mary what is all of this in my apartment" "well sir after you left, mister scraps, the founder and CEO of scrapscoin LTD, began a cryptocurrency business, selling scrapscoin for real money; eventually, so many people invested that he needed an office and employees sir, but you told him he couldn't leave the house" "how the hell does a dog start a business" "with all due respect, sir, how does a dog live to 24 years old as mister scraps has? he is clearly more than just an ordinary dog sir" "now that you mention it, he's probably one of those princes that was cursed to turn into a puppy until the fair maiden's kiss brings him back to being a human prince" "that is certainly one theory, sir" "regardless, since this business is running out of my apartment and is run by my dog, i must get a cut of the profits, right?" "yes sir, mister scraps set up an account for you; you get 10% of the profits, sir" "ten percent? that's-" Mary hands Jakey a slip of paper with the total amount 10% works out to. "-perfectly acceptable; keep up the good work team" "yes sir" Mary salutes Jakey and returns to her post, where the phones are ringing off the hook. Michelle walks in to access her account, where Scraps gives her 15% of the profits. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 107: In Memoriam [Eleatrice]
"dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the demoness elemenopeia, in the hope that when she returns in two years, she is not angry-" "WOOH!!! YEAH!!! GET FUCKED!!!" Eleatrice turns to see (L)Aura dancing furiously on Elemenopeia's grave. "could you not have waited until after the funeral" "no; doing this during the service is part of my cathartic revenge on this haughty demoness for threatening to murder me at the end of the month" "i'll murder you right now if you don't leave" "ha, you can't hurt me; i'm wearing my rubber bodysuit underneath my attire" Eleatrice pulls out a gun. "um anyway i must be going now" (L)Aura beats a hasty retreat. "as i was saying; elemenopeia meant an amount to us all, so we've come to pay a corresponding amount of respects at her funeral" Some of the mourners leave, feeling that they've paid a proportional amount of respects. "would anyone like to say a few words" The crowd goes silent. "okay then, funeral adjourned" Eleatrice bangs her gavel and walks off in an arbitrary direction. Jakey heads back to the snack bar, where he runs into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions]

Mission 108: It's a Long, It's a Long Way Back to the Place Where We Used to Sit [Hecate]
"hey jakey you know how that demoness mia brought you mortals' baby selves forward in time to now" "OH right yeah i had forgotten" "what. how could you possibly forget that" "i might have meandered a bit too hard there" "regardless, you don't have much uh 'meandering' time left; if the babies stay in this time for much longer, the timestream will collapse" "that sounds bad" "it is; you should go see mia right away about this" "but i promised laura i'd go see her next" "jakey you are the chosen hero or so i've been told (i have my doubts); this laura can wait" "so you're saying mia should cut in line" "yes" "that doesn't feel right to me" Hecate slaps her face with her hand. "fine, i will, at great personal expense to myself, use my magicq to keep the window open a bit longer so you can visit this laura woman" "thanks hecky you're a peach" "and you're a fucking donut" "i get that a lot" Jakey turns and leaves, bumping straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mia missions]

Mission 109: When You and I Were Just (L)ittle Kids [(L)Aura]
"hey aura you wanted to see me?" "grab a chair and drink with me!!! we can toast to the death of that demoness" "this is water" "a pure drink without that godforsaken character in it" "i prefer drinks with more uh high fructose corn syrup" "oh i've got mountain dew" "yes, the good stuff" (L)Aura pulls two cans of Mountain Dew from the refrigerator, and the two tink their cans together in celebration. "so against every odd, i have survived september" "i was sure you'd do it" "neither was i but i'm safe for another two years" "from elemenopeia at least" "what do you mean" "your antics at the funeral may have riled a few of elemenopeia's supporters" "pfft they can come as they want; i am not scared" "i'll hold you to that" Jakey and (L)Aura finish their cans of Mountain Dew and (L)Aura throws the cans into the trash can, as she would rather die than recycle. Michelle scratches at the front door. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 110: The Time We Had Is Not Gone [Mia]
"mia we need to talk" "hello is it about babies? i love babies" "yeah we need to return the babies to their original time periods" Mia's expression turns grim. "i'm afraid i cannot allow that" "so you cast off your loopy persona at last, mia?" "if you want to take these babies from me, i will fight you to the death" "works for me" Jakey unsheathes his demoness-killing knife. Mia unsheathes her bladebreaker parrying dagger, ready for Jakey's primary demoness-killing weapon. She was not, however, ready for his gun. Jakey shoots Mia nine times in the chest. "damn" Mia falls to the floor, dead. The babies start disappearing, one by one. Jakey phone rings. "hey jakey it's hecate" "oh hey hecky; i did a great job didn't i" "almost; there's one baby left" "how's that possible" "a dark elf has cast a ward of protection on the baby, and has formed an obsessive bond with it, preventing it from being transported back with the others" "joy" "and jakey: do not visit me before this dark elf or i will scream" "noted" Jakey turns and bumps into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Panacea missions]

Mission 111: The Way We Chose Was the Long One [Panacea]
"panacea, all the other babies have returned to their own times" "but not little victorrhea; she is safe with me forever and ever" "she has to go back; she is tangled in not just the standard time paradox with the other babies, but also one related to christmas, and people hate when bad things happen to christmas" "christmas can rot for all i care; i need to stay with victorrhea forever and keep her safe; it is my duty as a nurse, and i would die before i let anything happen to victorrhea" "i'm sorry you feel that way" Jakey pulls out his gun and shoots Panacea square in the head. "fool" "huh?" "i am no longer an ordinary nurse; i am the vessel of the spirit of the goddess of health itself: PANACEA!!!" "um-" "okay yeah it's a little confusing; we share a name but it doesn't matter because right now we are one and the same" "so you're a goddess now" "right and this baby is under MY protection" Jakey pulls out his demoness/goddess-killing knife. "hey wait no let's talk about this-" "let's not" Jakey tackles Panacea-Panacea to the floor and stabs her repeatedly. For the first time with reluctance, he stabs until there is nothing left to stab. Baby Victorrhea disappears, and Jakey receives another call from Hecate. "you know, hecky, usually, i feel better after doing that, not worse" "oh no the chosen hero actually had to do something proactively instead of reactively??? the humanity!!!" "it's so out of character for me" "well that's all the babies so you can go back to your meandering or whatever" "well this is when i usually stop for the year" "fine; see you in 2030" "you know it" Michelle walks up and sighs, knowing it's likely the last time she'll get to say this until 2030: "take me home"
[reward: respect +/THE END]