Something to That Effect (2029)

Mission 001: Another Year, Another Crisis [King Bran]
"hey jakey glad you could make it" "so what crisis has engulfed the earth this year" "okay, do you know the demoness mia?" "never heard of her" "she is the demoness of motherhood, and has decided to bring a bunch of babies forward in time to the present" "why" "well, every few decades, she has a 'motherhood crisis' where she needs to produce as many babies as she can and hand them off to everyone" "sounds annoying" "last time, a lot of babies ended up at the dump, unwanted, and that made her really sad" "babies don't make very good hobos" "so this time she decided to bring our baby selves forward in time so we have to take care of them or else suffer a horrific time paradox" "oh she's good" "so basically i need you, whenever you get around to it, to get her to send all the babies back backward in time" "well i haven't ever interacted with a real life baby, so i need to make the rounds to make sure i know all the physics and legalities behind this" "of course; take your time" Michelle bounces in, having been swaddled by mistake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mia missions]

Mission 002: Alphabattle [King Bran]
"hey kb how's kinging going" "oh it's great; i'm about to hear a peasant's pleas" "i love watching peasants get what they deserve" King Bran nods, then buzzes in the peasant. "greetings king bran; my name is aura tarken and i request that you enact a new piece of the constitution; i beg you to ban the use of the character in the system of writing that comes between K and M" "L?" "i beseech thee; do not use that horrid character in my presence or ever again, as i abhor it and its uncouth presence" "how can we just eliminate such a common letter? it's not as though you request we ban Q" "Q did nothing wrong" "neither did L" "it's such a horrid sound and sight; it haunts me every night" "listen, i know my constituents are weird, but you take it to a whole new level lady" "do not refer to me by that name; my name is aura, but i accept the term 'woman', 'bitch', or 'cunt' if necessary" "your birth name is laura, isn't it?" "my parents cursed me with a name that haunts me with its use of the worst character ever created by demonkind" "well at least it makes more sense than that sioby woman who always insists we call her bonnie" "yeah that sounds whack" "regardless, i cannot ban the letter L without a proper substitute" "just do what the asians do and use R instead" "i'll consider it" King Bran bangs his gavel, dismissing (L)Aura, and summoning Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions/Siobhan missions]

Mission 003: Mama Mia [Mia]
"um hello? is this the demoness mia?" "oh come in; look at this cute baby" Mia holds out her open palm. Jakey leans in and can't see anything. "what" "it's a pixington baby; it won't have any mass until it's nine years old" "um okay" "and this here is a goblin baby" Mia holds up a tiny goblin in her palm. "it's so tiny" "goblins weigh exactly six ounces at birth; they grow rapidly to maturity after exactly 57 days, 4 hours, 36 minutes, 29 seconds, so we have to appreciate this fleeting baby goblin body before that happens" "um right" "did you know that if a goblin is exposed to the element TIN, it becomes a gnome" "what? goblins are always eating tin cans" "well if a gnome is exposed to carbon, it turns back into a goblin, so gnomes can only exist in a vacuum" "um right" "well i've got to put these babies down for a nap now come again" Mia shuts the door in Jakey's face. "i'll come back a lot later" Jakey turns around and bumps into Michelle, who reached maturity at 16 in this state. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Si(l)ence is Go(l)den [(L)Aura]
"um hey there miss aura" "oh prince jakey what a nice surprise" "i brought over some eclairs" (L)Aura turns up her nose. "i refuse to use any object or ingest any food whose name contains that wretched character between K and M" "so you've never eaten an eclair? or played golf?" A single tear streams down (L)Aura's cheek. "oh how i have yearned to strike tiny white spheres with an iron stick in hopes of striking the spheres into the round crater in the ground, achieving such a feat in just one stroke, but nay; i must instead abstain from ever partaking in such a sport" "seriously?" "i have sent many a request to the earth's governing body for sport, but every one of my requests to change the name of such otherwise wonderous sports as that one and the one with the brooms and the stone has been denied time and again" "um-" "PERCHANCE one day i may partake in such a beauteous activity; perhaps in the kingdom of heaven, where such a horrid character cannot exist" "it must suck to not be able to use adverbs" "yeah my wordbank is pretty stunted but i have my own code of ethics" "i can respect it" "thank you for understanding" "i'll just eat these by myself then" Jakey looks around. "where's your table" "i do not have one of those; i have a counter and a hutch to eat on, if you must eat those in my house" "i'll just eat them outside and come back in later" "thank you for your understanding in these trying times" Jakey leaves (L)Aura's house, bumping into Michelle, who brought over a watermelon. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 005: Compromises [(L)Aura]
"hey aura, i was thinking: if you can't own or partake in things containing the character between K and M, why do you still have legs" "every doctor i asked to remove those turned me away" "seriously?" "no i never asked that; things that are attached to my body that i need to function are, by necessity, excused from my wrath" "that makes sense; can't really live without lungs" "i may be odd, but i'm not crazy" "so out of curiosity, what word would you use to describe that hairstyle" "um what do you mean" "it's not short, and it's well beyond medium" "..." "..." "you are going to suck every bit of joy out of my existence, aren't you?" "probably" "okay okay give me a minute" (L)Aura ponders the question. "my hair is um brown" "yes" "and it is tied up twice" "known otherwise as twin ponytails" "and my hair is of extended span" "long, then?" "if i give you a pair of scissors will you shut up about it" "that was not my intention" "you're just trying to annoy me" "pretty much; would you call that skirt scalloped? it's certainly blue" "hues were never meant to have names" "that's a new one on me" "hues are a state of existence that humans, in their hubris, decided to categorize and give names" "just like birds" "yes; birds never once asked humans to give a name to their means of transportation but they cannot stop their skybound movement" "fair enough" Michelle flies in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 006: Expectations vs Rea(l)ity [(L)Aura]
"jakey i need to take a bath; i request you to guard my bath and come in on the condition that i shout 'ESTER GUM'" "uh okay" (L)Aura turns and grabs her rubber ducky, and heads into her soap-orb bath. Jakey is immensely curious as to whether she found a jolly tune to sing that does not contain the letter L."♫IT'S TEARIN' UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU, BUT WHEN WE ARE APART, IT HURTS BAD TOO; AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I'M IN SUCH PAIN, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU♫" Jakey is taken aback by (L)Aura's deft mastery of keeping the meaning and meter of the song while completely purging it of the letter L. "♫baby, i don't understand just why we aren't together; things are getting out of hand; tryin' too much, but baby, we can win♫" Scarlett ambles up the stairs, holding a bronze trophy. "is that for laura" "yes, miss aura has mastered the art of removing the L from songs without removing the soul; this bronze trophy is for her" "♫drop it down; if you want me, speak of it now; i am down on my knees; i can't take it any more♫" A single tear streams down Scarlett's face. Even if she hadn't turned into an angel and been brought back to this world after death, she would be content in knowing of (L)Aura's mastery of the soap-orb bath. Soon, (L)Aura triumphantly exits the bath, and Scarlett hands her the bronze trophy. "oh thank you miss; i've ever thought of you as a paragon of the soap-orb bath, despite your being burdened by your parents' near-demonic writing of your name with that horrid character" "miss aura, if you wish, you may refer to me as 'scarry' (jakey can't though)" "oh thank you miss scarry" The two women embrace in platonic appreciation. Michelle appears, proudly boating of the two Ls in her name. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 007: An Anger That Cannot Be Quenched [(L)Aura]
"i must admit aura, your way of existing is pretty interesting; i can respect how you never compromise on your ambitions" "thank you jakey, that means more than you can know" Just then, the door to (L)Aura's house swings open. "FOOLISH MORTAL" "i just got rid of that migraine" "my name is ELEMENOPEIA!!! i am the demoness of letters and alphabets!!!" "so YOU'RE the one responsible for the accursed character situated between K and M" "yes, the twelfth letter of the alphabet, L!!!" "so if i murder you, the universe becomes rid of that accursed consonant?!" "perhaps, but you can't kill me; i control the very letters that make up anything you could use" (L)Aura grabs a knife and lunges at Elemenopeia, but the knife disappears in her hand. "K-N-I-F-E, that's five letters, and i just removed them all from your hand" "okay your power makes no sense whatsoever" "listen, LAURA, you have until the end of september to say one (1) word containing the letter L" "and if i refuse?" "i will remove the A-U-R-A from your existence, and all that will be left is a single barely-breathing L; you will cling on to life, the only thing sustaining you being the very L that you hate so much" "i have never before used that that character for which i have so much contempt, and i refuse to start now" "your life would be so much easier with adverbs you know" "shut up and fuck off you haughty demoness" "fine, i will; see you in october, laura, or should i say LLLLLLLLLLLLL" Elemenopeia disappears in a puff of LLLLLLLLL. "i need to get my affairs in order before i end my existence on september thirtieth" "i'll go talk to her, but just in case, write a will" (L)Aura glares at Jakey. "at least hire a lawyer to get your affairs in order" (L)Aura's glare gets closer. "fine i'll leave" Jakey exits (L)Aura's house, and bumps into MIchelle. "hey jakey look at all these Ls i found just outside here; if i affix them to my name, i will be MICHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!" The Ls disappear. "it was fun while it lasted; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elemenopeia missions]

Mission 008: Stealing the Day [Siobhan]
"hey sioby how's the stealing business going for you" "i've stolen a lot of babies" "really? i didn't know you were a fan" "i'm not, but i'm hoping someone else is; i need some cash" "so what kind of babies have you got" "i've got this human one; she doesn't have a nametag, but she looks like a little sioby" "i think that's you as a baby" "did i say a sioby? i meant a bonnie; a total bonnie" "uh-huh" "i would have stolen some other races' babies, but they're all weird; all the dark elven babies were morbidly obese" "i'm sure there's an explanation for that" "and i'm sure that i'll lose the use of ten braincells if i hear it" "fair" "so do you know anyone who's in the market for a little baby bonnie" "even if i did, i wouldn't tell you because you'd be trying to hawk that baby sioby and it would reflect poorly on my reputation" "maybe i will raise little bonnie myself and give her all the bonniely attention she deserves and likely craves" "that's a terrible idea; you'll give little sioby a complex and make her think she deserves to be called bonnie" "well i certainly won't let a naysayer like you raise her" "i'm calling child protective services to take that baby away" "moron" "what." "CHILD protective services don't deal with babies you donut" "babies are a type of child" "uh-huh right; next you'll tell me child is a type of adult" Siobhan continues to use faulty logic and poor comparisons to sway Jakey to her side. When she is done, Jakey has forgotten what started the discussion, and Michelle has shown up. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Anything at All [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫and i would do anything for love; i'd run right into hell and back; i would do anything for love; i'll never lie to you, and that's a fact♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, a kobold walks up the stairs. "hello jakey my name is kolanda, i have been sent by lady nyx to run these tax and appearance forms by scarlett" "she's in the bath" "AGAIN?! she was in the bath last time i came here and the guard then told me to come back in twenty minutes" "well a lot of dirt and grime can accumulate in twenty minutes" "fine i'll just wait here until her song is over" "♫I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE, ANYTHING YOU'D BEEN DREAMIN' OF, BUT I JUST WON'T DO THAT♫" "wait isn't this song like ten minutes long" "closer to twelve" "great." Jakey and Kolanda wait outside the door for the jolly tune to be over, and for Scarlett to emerge from the bath. "finally; miss scarlett i have important forms to go over with you" "i just got out of the bath" "huh?" "filling out forms always makes me sweaty" "then take another bath when we're done" "now there's an idea" Scarlett and Kolanda head to fill out the forms as Michelle ambles up the stairs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Nyx missions]

Mission 010: A Beautiful Design [Elemenopeia]
"hey miss elemenopeia? can we talk about laura?" "yes i've been wanting to bitch and moan to someone about laura for a while now" "i'm all ears" "i absolutely hate that woman; i haven't been this upset since people refused to use or acknowledge the betabet i developed after years of painstaking research" "the what now" "the betabet was set to be a revolutionary secondary system of lettering that eliminates homonyms; i admit that my alphabet was woefully unprepared for such linguistic deviance, but i spent centuries creating a solution and no one even gave it a second glance" "rough" "and now this laura chick refuses to use one of the alphabet's letters? what a fucking cunt she is; i'll be glad to see her either die horribly or finally cave in and use my beautiful L" "oh uh-" "honestly, i don't know which i'd enjoy more; perhaps if she uses the L, i'll kill her anyway by removing all the Ls from her body, like her LEGS, LUNGS, and LARYNX" "or - and this is just a suggestion - you could just you know call off your hit on her and let her continue her L-free existence as a curiosity to linguists" "maybe if she was just doing it herself, but she petitioned the king bran himself to get the letter L outlawed from alabama!!! and what will they have then?! aabama?! that's not even able to be pronounced!!!" "fair point" "if laura says 'please elemonopeia, please spare my stupid stupid self' i might consider it" "i'll uh let her know" "you do that" Elemenopeia removes the letters J-A-K-E-Y from her home, depositing Jakey onto the street, right next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions/King Bran missions]

Mission 011: Reaper of Souls [Elemenopeia]
"hey elemenopeia i was wondering: what's with the scythe" "you know how some people use 'literally' for emphasis on a figurative statement?" "yes, i literally hate that" "well you can report those 'people' to me on the elemenopeia hotline and i will literally harvest their souls and set them to eternal torment picking consonants in the fields" "i wasn't aware that consonants needed to be picked" "there's a lot that people don't know about language, such as how to use the word 'literally'" "fair enough" "now i have an appointment with my favourite mortal, sabrina sable" "oh yeah she's great" Sabrina Sable enters the building. "hello, miss elemenopeia?" "yes miss sable hello; i saw your recent JED discussion where you talked for nine hours about the use of sans and the fools dragged you out of the venue before you even got to the serif portion" "what a travesty; that JED simply has no class" "agreed; your fonts elevate the letters i created in a way i'd never dreamt of previously" "oh thanks" "i am going to award you with this stunning bronze trophy in recognition of your accomplishments" Sabrina notices the masking tape with her name written on it over the plaque, but says nothing. Underneath that masking tape, of course, is the plaque dedicated to (L)Aura's singing accomplishments, but Sabrina is not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. "thank you miss elemenopeia" "no, thank you miss sable" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a silver trophy, keeping the gold one for herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 012: Blood on the Dance Floor [Nyx]
"um nyx? what's with all the blood" "OH right well you know how goddesses come back every two years after they're slain? well hera came back but she won't be a problem for another two years" "nice" "yeah she never expected me to pull a gun" "really? that would be the first thing i expected" "well remember: the goddess who won the olyction was 'aphrodite'" "right, she wouldn't expect the goddess of love to pull a gun" "it buys me time for my defense system to be completed" "really? i assumed you'd do nothing and hope for the best" "i'm not you" "oh right sometimes i forget that" "regardless, do you remember hestia? the goddess who destroyed the luminous villa's fresca?" "how could i forget? is it time for me to brutally murder her again for what she did?!" "she came by earlier and seems pretty bummed so i was hoping you'd hear her out" "really? after what she did?!" "you can kill her right afterward if you'd like" "fine" Nyx rings Hestia in. "jakey, nyx, i'd like to apologise for my actions; i was jealous" "jealous?" "jealous of that beautiful fresca; i didn't want nike to be able to take credit for it" "that makes sense, but you still committed one of the most evil acts i've ever seen" "yeah my bad" "well as long as you admit it was your bad" "wait really?" "haha no" Jakey stabs Hestia dead again. "harsh" "not nearly harsh enough" Michelle walks up, drinking a new look Fresca. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Aphrodite missions/Nike missions]

Mission 013: We Three Queens [Nyx]
"ugh, jakey, ugh" "ugh?" "yes, ugh and ugh again" "what's up" "today marks one decade since the last time the queens of olympus and hell met at the decade summit; last time it was hera and jezzie but now it's me and eleatrice, and lilith seems to want to join too for whatever reason, so i repeat: ugh" "well lilith did declare herself queen of her own independent evil nation" "she's still doing that? ugh" "what do you even talk about during those summits" "i have no clue; i've never had to do one before" "well neither has eleatrice and i assume lilith so you can all just braid eachother's hair or whatever it is you do" "ugh my hair hasn't been braided since 1963 and that's only because of a terrible prank" "that doesn't sound exactly 'terrible'" "pictures were posted at the agora and everyone made fun of me until i killed a few people" "don't you enjoy killing people" "that's beside the point" Just then, Eleatrice and Lilith enter the Luminous Villa. "listen nyx we're here for that queen's summit thingy but we have one condition" "and that is?" "nobody braids anyone else's hair" "i can live with that" The evil queens get to talking and not to braiding, and Jakey exits the building, bumping into Michelle, who is crying due to her abnormally braided hair. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Eleatrice missions/Lilith missions]

Mission 014: Wood F(l)ooring and (L)ino(l)eum Ti(l)es [(L)Aura]
"aura i spoke with elemenopeia" "and?" "she says she's going to murder you probably regardless of what you do or say, unless you say 'please' about fifty times" "i can't say that word; the reason why i never go to the hairdresser is because every word that makes a request not be rude has that accursed character in it" "yeah well your entire existence is going to come to an end if you don't sacrifice your morals" "makes no difference to me; a cursed existence or a sweet non-existence? whatever" "i appreciate how you stick to your guns" "i wish the renovation guy saw it the same way; he gazed at me as though i was crazy when i said i wanted a carpeted kitchen and bathroom" "that is unusual" "it is not my error that the other options for ground covering contain that terror of a character" "i take he didn't appreciate your strange cadence either" "i don't think he smoked before he came here, but a dozen cartons of cigarettes were smoked through before he was finished with my renovations" "i'll bet" Michelle walks in, but is immediately deported from (L)Aura's house due to her name containing an L. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Elemenopeia missions]

Mission 015: What Needs Doing [(L)Aura]
"hey uh aura i was wondering: what do you do" "pardon?" "aside from bitching about the character between K and M what do you do with your existence" "first, i dropped out of my state-required education" "because you didn't want 'high school graduate' on your resume" "right then i got a job at a sandwich shop but i got fired for making BT sandwiches" "because you didn't want to even touch the lettuce" "right so then i decided to become a mime" "really" "yes but i never acquired the knowhow to do the big iconic mime trick" "getting stuck in a glass box" "yeah so after wasting a bunch of money on mime makeup and striped shirts, i was hired as a cheese-taster" "what went wrong with that" "i got through cheddar, swiss, parmesan, and muenster just fine, but i never even touched the other kinds so i wasn't a very efficient cheese-taster" "out of curiosity, what is your favourite food" "pepperoni pizza" "what kind of cheese do you suppose they put on those pizzas" "jakey i am warning you do not ruin this for me" "i've already planted the seed of doubt" "dammit you're right" (L)Aura hangs her head. "do you think pizza shops can put muenster cheese on the pizzas instead of the other kind" "i doubt it" "damn" Michelle drops off a fresh pepperoni pizza, made with muenster cheese instead of mozarella. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 016: More Information Than Necessary [(L)Aura]
Jakey walks up to (L)Aura's house. "name" "orianna? you got another bouncer job after victorrhea's untimely death?" "yes, miss aura has rigid requirements for entry; name" "jakey" "you may go in" "i'm on the list?" "there is no list; i was just told never to let in anyone whose name contains the letter L" "what if someone lies about it" "according to the handbook i got when i was hired, that shows shame in the unfairly-given L, and is worthy of entry, or so i've been told" "that makes a little sense at least" Jakey enters the house. "hey aura, i was wondering" "oh god" "do you sleep" "not in the sense as per tradition" "oh?" "i take frequent naps in order to avoid that thing you said; in addition, i nap standing up" "no way" "i haven't been on my back since i was a baby" "can you demonstrate" "oh yes; i have trained to nap anywhere, anywhen, anywhy, and anyhow" "and anywho?" "i can't make another person nap if that's what you're asking" "fair enough; carry on" (L)Aura falls aslumber in an upright position, but wakes shortly afterward. "what a refreshing nap" "and how long until you have to take another" "about an hour" "that's better than i do on a full night's sleep" "my techniques have what it takes to cause a massive earth-wide productivity increase but no one ever attended my JED discussion" "i would have if i'd known what awe-inspiring secrets it held" "thanks jakey that means a bunch" Michelle pounds on the window from outside, (L)Aura's bouncer not letting her in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: A Great Burden to Shoulder [King Bran]
"hey jakey check out this weird baby i found; it's all twisted up like a pretzel" "oh dear is that baby victorrhea?!" "who" "she died last year to save christmas future" "oh right she was the girl who liked thursdays and made me sit through an entire month of thursdays!!! that event took twelve years off my life!!! a doctor told me and everything!!!" King Bran places baby Victorrhea on the floor and winds up a curbstomp. "KB NO" "give me one good reason why i shouldn't curbstomp this baby" "you'll create a time paradox, and victorrhea's timeline is intertwined with the quantum christmas from last year!!! killing infant victorrhea could cause christmas to never be saved!!! we could destroy christmas forever!!!" "worth" "think of your approval rating!!! people love christmas and hate it when people curbstomp babies!!!" "oh fine" King Bran settles for giving infant Victorrhea a light kick, which she does not feel over the pain of her various bifidas. "get it out of my sight" "fine" Jakey tosses baby Victorrhea straight into the air, and his bodyguard catches it. "yes allow me to guard this baby; it's not like i have my hands full guarding you or anything" "thanks grace you're a peach" Michelle walks up, wearing a peach costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 018: A Blast from the Past [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina who's that fatass baby" "okay firstly: rude, secondly: it's me" "i didn't picture you as a chunkster as a kid" "do you know nothing about dark elven physiology?" "i guess not" "fine allow me to explain before you embarrass yourself further: dark elven babies weigh around 30 pounds at birth; you're not supposed to feed them for six months after birth so they can lose all the baby fat; coincidentally, that is when their full set of baby teeth come in, so dark elves always eat solid foods" "so a dark elf baby's first food could be a juicy steak" "exactly; we know only the finest foods from early childhood; no 'mushy vegetables' for us" "i'm a bit jealous" "i'll say; i'd apolgise to baby me about her weight because it's just a way in which she is superior to you" "are you still feeling a bit touchy about it?" "yes" "fine, where is babrina anyway" "she must have crawled off somewhere" "aren't you more worried? that's you you know" "i'm not worried; my parents got the extended warranty" "on their baby" "yes" "i didn't know that was a service offered for babies" "oh yeah the nurse told my father to give her a hundred bucks and she'd get it all set up for me and he reached for his wallet instantly; a hundred bucks is a small price to pay for peace of mind, especially when it comes to otherwise fragile little tubby babies" "fair enough" "so want to go make fun of the new fonts in the latest OS update with me" "do i ever" Jakey and Sabrina poke fun at the horrible fonts for hours until Michelle shows up, carrying a slightly bruised baby Sabrina. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: It's All Just a Blur [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina what's with the table" "i'm supposed to be signing autographs today for my book" "how many have you signed" "zero" "i'd ask you to sign mine but you gave it to me pre-signed" "curse my lack of foresight" All of a sudden, a trash bin hops up to Sabrina's table, and from it pops a Violet Griffin. "GAH" "sorry didn't mean to startle you" "it's okay are you here to have me sign a book" "i'd like you to sign this glossy photo of you actually" "oh okay that's a normal thing to sign as well" Violet hands Sabrina the 8x10 glossy photograph, and Sabrina squints at it real hard. "it's kind of blurry" "indeed it is" "i have some um clearer glossies if you'd like one of those" "no no this is my favorite photo of you; the blurriness really draws out the color of your eyes" "..." "..." "whatever" Sabrina gives Violet's glossy a quick signature, and Violet smears the ink before it has a chance to dry. "why did you do that" "the blurriness of your signature really brings out the way you loop your Bs" "..." "..." "whatever" "thank you bye" Violet hunkers back down into her trash can and rolls out. "what a strange woman" "i've seen stranger" "really" "yes and it was from her" "i don't want to know" "yes, i already knew you didn't want to know and was prepared to deny your request to know" "thank you for being ready to save me from myself if i suddenly decided i wanted an even bigger migraine" "don't mention it" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey an 8x10 glossy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 020: Blurred Lines [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina i see your stack of books and glossies has shrunk" "because i've been trying to throw them into that dumpster over there" "that one almost made it" "yeah i'm pretty proud of that one" All of a sudden and without warning, a yell comes from a direction. "BOOK SIGNING INSPECTION" "joy" "all right my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the inspection board" "hey you want a signed book?" "not particularly but i need one to inspect" "oh coming right up" Sabrina signs a book, and Ruth looks it over. "nice signature" "thanks it's my life's work" "i don't doubt it" Ruth stamps a large "PASSED" on the book, and hands it back. "so what have you signed today other than that book" "some weirdo in a trash can had me sign a blurry 8x10 glossy" "..." "..." Ruth opens her inspection manual. "this is an odd situation" "tell me about it" "here it is: article 116, section 42A: 'an official signing event must not sign pictures that are described as blurry, unless those pictures are evidence of the existence of bigfoot or aliens'" "oh" "i'm afraid i'm going to have to shut you down" "i'm simply heartbroken" Sabrina packs up her stuff, and returns home, more dejected than before somehow. "finally" Michelle places down her own table and books. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 021: A Major Amount of Sadness [Aphrodite]
"hey aphrodite what's up you look sad" "oh it's simply horrible; my powers of love are far too limited in scope and scale" "how so" "if a person has a deep-seated hatred, no matter what i do, i cannot turn it into a love" "really?" "yes, i cannot make miss laura love the letter L, which is very sad because the L is a quarter of what makes love so special" "well i'm sure you've run into this problem before" "it's not the same; take that octavia orc woman: she hates it when people point out that she's short, but i made her love punching those people, and i made her love biscuits" "really? biscuits?" "most orcs don't eat biscuits so she keeps it a secret" "okay" "but with laura, i can't make her love ANYTHING because a quarter of the recipe, the very L that kicks off a love, is already hated" "i never thought it worked like that" "neither did i" "what if you switch to italian and make her feel the amore" "oh smart" Aphrodite works some Italian magicks, then spies on (L)Aura with her crystal ball. "what's she doing" "eating spaghetti" "sounds like it worked" "she is now commenting on how spicy the 'meatsphere' was" "'meatsphere'? i'd have gone with 'meatorb'" "i like 'meatglobe' but i suppose she can't use that one" Michelle walks in with a plate of spaghetti and meatcubes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/(L)Aura missions/Octavia missions]

Mission 022: Love Is in the Air [Aphrodite]
"oh jakey i feel great; i am going to spread love like a motherfucker today" "that doesn't sound good" "correct; it sounds GREAT" "uh-huh" "so who needs love?!" Aphrodite checks her crystal ball. "okay jakey i have found a list of people and concepts that need more love" "concepts?" "yeah concepts have feelings too" "really" "you know probably; regardless, voyeurism hasn't gotten much love lately and that's no good" "it's not?" "so i am going to have that painter, alison lacroix, love voyeurism so she can paint from voyeuristic positions and bring voyeurism back into vogue!!!" "i never knew it was in vogue the first time" "tragic; speaking of tragedy, it needs love too" "oh no" "i am going to give that assassin girl, sophia drake, a love for tragedy" "i can see no way in which this goes wrong" "and to round out today's new love affairs, i am going to give the gravedigger girl, valerie caulfield, a love of dirt" "please give it to the canadian gravedigger, jasmine fontaine, instead" "okay fair enough" Aphrodite snaps her fingers, and three new bonds of love are formed. Michelle walks in to succumb to a classic love of hers: being taken home. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions/Sophia missions/Valerie missions/Jasmine missions]

Mission 023: Furthering the Cause [Nike]
"hey nike you seem riled up" "yeah i am; i have been donating my time and money to new cause that i very much wish to succeed" "and what would that be" "have you ever heard of aura tarkin?" "yeah i've been spending a lot of time with her lately" "her work toward ridding us of that horrific character between K and M is nothing short of a godsend; soon, she is to be known as saint aura" "a bold claim" "for actions just as intrepid!!!" "you seem really into this; you've stopped using the letter L as well" "i'm practicing now for when persons are imprisoned for using that wretched character" "did something happen to you in the last year?" "i am the goddess of victory; i cannot stand to - eugh - lose so i am removing the character L from the alphabet so that kids will stop telling me to 'take the L'" "you just used the letter L eight times" "once you open the floodgates it's hard to close them again" "almost as if avoiding using one specific letter is unnatural" "natural? pshaw; i am not demeter, i'm NIKE!!! i claim VICTORY over nature!!!" "i thought that was artemis" "it can be both of us, especially now that you murdered artemis and she won't be back until next year" "oh right i forgot about that" "regardless, i believe in aura's cause and am trying my best to not use the letter L" "you were doing really well for a while there but you've completely lost it" "l-lost?! I NEVER LOSE!!! I AM THE GODDESS OF VICTORY!!!" "we'll see won't we" Michelle walks in, protesting the fact that under (L)Aura's stewardship, she would be known as Michee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 024: Taking a Stand [Nike]
"jakey you've got to aid me in my hour of need" "what's up" "we are in a venue for a certain sport" "alphabattle" "you know the basics, right?" "yeah it's a great sport; the 2025 championship was a quite thing to behold" "right so i entered this tournament months ago and now i'm in a jam" "you're playing crippled because you refuse to use the letter L" "yeah and aura is in the audience trying to find new recruits" "and you want senpai to notice you but you also want to win" "i can win if i just get to start each round and can avoid the issue" "but due to the alphabattle commission's landmark 1962 ruling making it a best of three, each competitor must go both first and second" "yeah it sucks so can you use this time machine to go back and murder everyone who created that statute" "i refuse to compromise the integrity of a beautiful sport just so you can cheat" "cheat?! it's not cheating if there's no statute against it" "regardless, i have a personal code of ethics, and going back in time to change the already perfectly balanced rules of alphabattle is in clear violation of those ethics" "aw fuck i'm up" Nike trudges onto the stage to face her first opponent, avid Alphabattler Olivia Thomp. "hello my name is ruth barlow, i will be inspecting this alphabattle tournament; through random drawing, miss olivia is going to begin; get yourselves ready to BATTLE!!!" "A" "B" "C" "D" "E" "F" "G" "H" "I" "J" "K" Nike sweats. The timer ticks down in slow motion as Nike agonizes over her dillemma. Which is more important: victory or ethics? As she struggles with her inner demons, the warning buzzer sounds. Nike has five seconds to speak the next letter. She knows it to be L in her mind, but her heart says M. Does she give in to Elemenopeia's twisted game, or side with (L)Aura's cause? Two seconds remain, and Nike makes a snap decision. "L" Nike's heart sinks. She chose victory. "M" "X" The world is stunned, most of all Nike. She gave up everything she believed in for victory, but then immediately dashed all of her hopes at once. Not only does she lose, but (L)Aura is shaking her head in disapproval. Nike tearfully pulls out her sword. "i have failed to win, and i have failed my senpai; there is nothing more for me after acting in such a dishonorable way" (L)Aura bites her lip, as she does not know the social norms regarding public seppuku. She decides to say nothing to avoid embarrassing herself, which is the correct social call. Nike plunges her sword deep into her gut, ending her goddessly life for the two years it takes goddesses to regenerate. "every fucking year someone pulls this shit" Ruth calls over the cleaning crew to clean up yet another an hero. Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a sword. "take me home or fall on this sword"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 025: It's Too Late to Apologize [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie how's the apology list going" "oh right that; well i suppose i should stop putting off that apology to elemenopeia" "yeah now that i know of her existence and she is relevant to some characters' plots, it's a good time to get your affairs in order with her" "yeah i was hoping you'd never meet her so i wouldn't have to do this but oh well" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey arrive at Elemenopeia's house. "hey elly" "jezzie" "hey i just wanted to tell you how sorry i am for forging all those documents and making echidna a major demoness instead of you" "oh that's fine it's not like it's ruined my life or anything" "all the other demonesses kept pestering me saying that if you ever got to participate in a hellection, you'd rig the ballot by removing everyone else's name" "you can't punish me for something i might do in the future even if i totally would" "maybe you can get eleatrice to demote echidna for you" "yeah after that st. patrick's day thing, eleatrice has to be pretty steamed; i'll try it" "so you want to go get ice cream" "do i ever" Jezzie and Elemenopeia teleport away to get some ice cream, and Michelle teleports in with some ice cream of her own. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]