A Thing of the Past: Legitimate Business (1933)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Calvin Coolidge 1924' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some suppressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Power Untold [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey, the mafia have gotten really out of hand lately" "you're telling me; those planks were innocent!!!" Sheriff Antony nods. "now that you have reached the arbitrary age of 23 and it is the arbitrary month of september, i can give to you these the diamonds!!! ingest them and you will have the power to root out the mafia without fear!!!" "oh boy oh" Jakey grabs the bag and gulps down the diamonds as fast as he can. "oh nice much faster time than the last jakey i gave these to" "these are desperate times; i can't be worried about silly things like 'choking to death'" As Jakey says that, a choking noise comes from behind him. Jakey turns around and stares worriedly at Michelle, the heimlich manoeuvre not having been invented yet. Eventually, the problem takes care of itself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the diamonds]

Mission 002: High Technology [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey, the professor has finished making us the high technology gadgets we require for our work against the mafia" "sick" Jakey and Sheriff Antony hop into the Sheriff Antonymobile and ride out to Professor Eif's laboratory. "hey professor we're here" "good good check it out i invented this big revolver that fires all six bullets AT ONCE" "AWESOME" Sheriff Antony happily takes the giant revolver from Professor Eif, and takes aim at a target that had been set up. Sheriff Antony pulls the trigger, and the weapon explodes in his hands. Shards of metal and gunpowder embed themselves into Sheriff Antony's hands and face. "SHERIFF ANTONY" "a ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA YOU FOOLS; i, PROFESSOR EIF, have really been part of the mafia all along!!!" "..." "..." Jakey whips out his own gun, and aims it at Professor Eif. "wait uh sorry that was a joke i've got a great new invention for you as well" Jakey isn't having any of Professor Eif's shit this time, and unloads an entire magazine into his head. Jakey quickly grabs Sheriff Antony's unconscious body and stuffs it into the Sheriff Antonymobile. Unfortunately, Jakey does not know how to drive. Jakey sighs and sprints to a public phone. "hello 911?! i've got a body for pickup it's URGENT it's the sheriff!!!" Soon, an ambulance careens around the corner and appears in front of Jakey. A woman pops out of the driver's seat. "hello there miss what's your name" "i'm bailey; i uh brought the ambulance" "OH RIGHT THE SHERIFF" Jakey and Bailey sprint over to the Sheriff Antonymobile and carry the sheriff into the ambulance. "please tell me he'll be okay" "he'll be okay" "really?!" "i don't know" Bailey hops into the driver's seat and races off for the hospital. Michelle hops into the Sheriff Antonymobile. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the Sheriff Antonymobile appears in front of the station]

Mission 003: Healthcare [Sheriff Antony]
Jakey stands near Sheriff Antony's hospital bed, bowing his head. Sheriff Antony has fallen into a coma, and will not recover for at least 40 missions. A doctor whose nametag reads "Doctor Bendik" enters the room. "sir clear the room we need to operate" "operate?! on what?!" "only the family of the patient are allowed to know" "o-okay" Jakey exits the room, but hangs out just outside the window, suspicious. Soon, the blinds are closed and Doctor Bendik pulls out a knife. "arrivederci, sheriff antony" As the knife descends toward Sheriff Antony, Jakey kicks in the door and opens fire upon the doctor. The entire mafia-run hospital is alerted, and Jakey hucks a rolling cart out the hospital window. Jakey hops onto Sheriff Antony's bed and flips the matress up so that he and the sheriff fly out the window. Jakey lands on the seat of his tricycle, and Sheriff Antony's comatose body lands in the basket. Jakey pedals hard and fast, to get to safe haven. "DEPUTY ORANGE OPEN UP IT'S ME" Deputy Orange opens his door and notices Jakey carrying Sheriff Antony's comatose body. "don't tell me; mafia hospital?" "yeah" "dammit that's every hospital in town!!!" "yeah he's got to stay here for a while" "why can't he stay at your place" "because they've probably got cameras set up at my place; no one cares about you" Deputy Orange raises his hand in protest, but cannot come up with a counter-argument. "fine whatever" Jakey carries Sheriff Antony over to Deputy Orange's bed. "where am i supposed to sleep then?!" "the floor" Deputy Orange sighs and lays down on the floor next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 004: Temporary Replacement [Deputy Orange]
"deputy, someone needs to be the replacement sheriff until the real one wakes up" "okay, you do it" "me?! but you're the deputy!!!" "yeah, if i become sheriff, who will be deputy?!" "i could-" "PFFFFFFT no way dude; you lack the skills necessary to be deputy" "but i can be sheriff just fine" "yeah that's what i said" "whatever; i'll be sheriff then" "good" The doorbell rings, and Deputy Orange heads over to answer it. The post lady hands him a bouquet of flowers for the sheriff, and hops back into her post truck. As Deputy Orange walks back inside, Jakey begins to swell up to enormous sizes. "roses?" "yeah they're addressed to the sheriff" "wait, the only people who know about the sheriff being in a coma are the two of us and-" Startled at the realisation, Jakey attempts to roll into Deputy Orange to knock the roses out of his hand, but he is too slow. The roses explode, blowing Deputy Orange to bits. "they've gone TOO FAR THIS TIME" Unable to do anything for Deputy Orange, Jakey grabs the comatose body of Sheriff Antony and places it in the basket on his tricycle, and, not knowing where else to turn, pedals off for Alabama Castle. "KING BRAN HELP" "oh jakey and the sheriff!!! what a pleasant surprise!!! uh why is the sheriff slumped over like that" "the mafia put him into a coma and killed deputy orange!!!" "GODDAMMIT THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME" "that's what i said" "well you can keep the sheriff here but um i can't really provide much help" "i know, you've already tried making it illegal to be in the mafia" "i figured it would deter at least SOME of them" "alas" Jakey sets Sheriff Antony in the royal guest bed. As the acting sheriff, and without a deputy, Jakey is beginning to feel the pressure. Michelle gives him a nice shoulder massage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 005: Guilt Trip [King Bran]
As they mourn the life of Deputy Orange, Jakey and King Bran reminisce on their favourite Deputy Orange memories. "so then i says to deputy orange - you know what i says? i says-" "uh sorry to interrupt milord and jakey but there's a woman here to see you and she looks really sad" "send her in" Emelyn opens the door to the castle, letting a sad woman into the castle. "hello" "hello, my name is ruth barlow and i'm in the mafia" Jakey instinctively draws his gun. "i am here to peacefully surrender" "s-seriously?! that never happens" "i am honestly and completely wracked with guilt over the death of deputy orange and i come to bare myself to you in the hope that you will accept my unconditional surrender" Ruth rips off her trenchcoat, revealing nothing but naked underneath. "i forgive you" "yeah me too" "th-that's it?!" "you don't seem like a bad girl; how'd you end up in the mafia anyway" "my stupid fucking parents forced me; i wanted to be a cop but nooooooooooo i had to be in the mafia because that's where the money is" "listen, with sheriff antony in a coma and deputy orange dead, we need all the help we can get; if you want to atone for whatever sins you may have committed in the mafia, do so by serving your country as its deputy" "d-DEPUTY?!" "we can't go on without one, and we can't afford to be picky; i hereby dub you deputy ruth" Jakey hands Ruth Deputy Orange's old badge and gun. Deputy Ruth is overwhelmed with emotion, and can't find any words to say. Michelle, however, has some choice words to say as she throws her deputy application in the trash. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriffing missions]

Mission 006: Pestilence [Sheriffing]
Emelyn approaches Jakey, clearly upset. "um sheriff you said the mafia control the hospitals right" "right" "well uh my big sister victorrhea is currently in the hospital and i'm really worried she's going to end up in the mafia or dead" "what's she in the hospital for" "bifida" "spinal bifida?" "among other bifidas" "i wasn't aware that there was more than one kind of bifida" "oh yeah, she's got gluteal bifida, axillary bifida, abdominal bifida, femoral bifida, sternal bifida, thoracic bifida, umbilical bifida, and hallux bifida" "jesus" "luckily, she was spared all the facial bifidas and mammary bifida" "so all the important parts are intact" "yeah which makes her a prime target for the mafia; broken enough to elicit pity from all, but not so broken as to scare them away" "i'll go right over and rescue her!!!" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals off for the hospital, where he sneaks up to the window outside Victorrhea's room. "psst i'm here to save you from the mafia" "you're too late" "wha-" "they strapped a bomb to me that will explode if anyone else enters the room" "WHAT" "i could have easily removed it myself if not for all these goddamn bifidas" "i can still get you out" "i doubt it" Jakey pulls out his standard-issue police supermagnet, and points it at Victorrhea's bed. Her bed flies out the window, bowling Jakey over and spilling Victorrhea onto the floor. "great now i've got a bomb strapped to me AND most of my bones are broken" "looks like the bomb is broken too" "oh hooray for shoddy workmanship" Jakey grabs Victorrhea and puts her in the basket of his tricycle, and takes her back to the castle, where Emelyn is waiting next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new informant]

Mission 007: Tapped Out [Sheriffing]
"wow victorrhea you're looking well" "oh yeah check it out" Victorrhea flails her limbs around wildly. "what happened to all your bifidas" "oh apparently there's a procedure here that fixed it right up; all i needed was a spinal tap, gluteal tap, axillary tap, abdominal tap, femoral tap, sternal tap, thoracic tap, and a hallux tap and now i'm right as rain" "wow" "i also had a mammary tap for good measure" "man you should have called me; mammary taps are my specialty" "oh uh would you like to do one now then" "yes; watch and be amazed" Jakey takes his index and middle fingers, and taps on Victorrhea's left breast. "you good now?" "yeah" "well the bad news is that apparently all my bifidas were hiding a rare disease known as timinchinitis" "oh i'm so sorry" "it's fine; being able to move around is a vast improvement over the alternative" "good good" "so check it out: while i was in the mafia hospital, i heard them talking about this singer who sings pro-mafia songs" "propaganda?! not on my watch" "apparently she's always at the park" "thank you, citizen" Jakey rushes out and hops onto his tricycle, pedalling hard for the park, where a woman is singing songs about how great the mafia is. "HALT YOU'RE UNDER ARREST" "for what officer" "poisoning the minds of our youth with your horrible propaganda" "it's not propaganda if it's the truth; the mafia coming to town was the best thing that ever happened to me" "how" "for a small weekly fee, they protect my park from HOODLUMS who would seek to defile the park with their illicit activities" "what illicit activities" "chewing gum without a permit, walking on the grass without a permit, whistling a jolly tune without a permit; just last week they stopped a woman from taking a bubbly bath without a permit" "it sounds more to me like your rules are arbitrary and unfair" "HOW DARE YOU; do you have a permit for that backsass?!" "yeah come here and i will show it to you" Julia stomps up to Jakey, who immediately slaps a pair of handcuffs on her. "oh well-played officer; but you failed to show your 'arresting the owner' permit!!!" Julia whistles, and a trio of mafia goons leaps out from behind the statue. "here's another one to add onto the list of offenses" Jakey pulls out his gun and pops each and every mafia goon in the head. "murder without a permit?! FOR SHAME" Jakey tosses Julia into the basket of his tricycle and pedals off to the jail, where Michelle is carving numbers into the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a multitude of fines]

Mission 008: New Construction [Sheriffing]
"okay sheriff i've got you that dossier" "i think it's pronounced 'dossy-er' at least that's how sheriff antony and deputy orange always pronounced it" "oh okay" "let's see here; candice m. plumbridge, owner of plumbridge construction" "candice M. plumbridge?! that m stands for mafia i'll bet" "that's certainly a possibility; it says here that mafia goons are spotted around her construction sites all the time, and it looks like she's currently building a new bridge to CANADA?!" "those damn canadians" "..." "..." "ruth, i am the prince of canada" "UH I MEAN those damn mafia trying to corrupt those poor innocent canadians!!!" "ah yes i see you merely forgot to say the seven words between 'damn' and 'canadians'" "yes indeed terrible mistake" "anyway, we can't let this happen; no mafia goon is going to get into MY country" "RIGHT" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car, and Ruth drives them to the construction site. "okay so we're meeting one of my agents here" "can we trust him" "if it actually is a him who arrives, then no we can't" "uh can we trust HER then" "i'd hope so; if we can't then the entire canadian government is suspect" "oh damn" Just as Ruth pulls into the parking spot, a streak of darkness falls from the ceiling. "okay noriko how many are there" "uh zero i thought you said to kill them all" "i didn't but i appreciate the hustle out there" Jakey skips ahead in his schedule. "okay so next we march up to candice and arrest her" "oh uh i thought you wanted me to do that too" Noriko leaps into the air and pulls down a tied-up Candice. "why did you do it candice" "the mafia was the first to UNDERSTAND me; my desire to BUILD and my desire to use only the highest-quality materials" "oh yeah? tell me all about that day" "no way man i'd rather die before i gave up any mafia members" "damn i thought that would work; you must have been trained well" Candice doesn't fall for it. "take her away" "yes sir" Ruth shoves Candice into the squad car and takes off, leaving behind only Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/the first bust]

Mission 009: Mojavistanian Nights [Sheriffing]
Noriko appears in a puff of smoke, back from her reconaissance mission. "boss, the mafia is trying to move in to mojavistan" "if they get the orcs on their side, they'll be unstoppable; let's roll" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car, and drive down to Mojavistan's largest orc village, where they are greeted by a young orcish woman. "hello officers of alabama; my name is olivia and i am the daughter of the chieftain" "ma'am we know the mafia rolled through here and tried to recruit you; the only question is 'did they succeed'" "pfft no way we don't get down with that pussy-ass mafia shit; if we wanted to be criminals, we'd just march in and start breaking shit" "uh reassuring" "as a gesture of good will, let me show you the mafia men we turned into mafia corpses" Jakey and Ruth follow Olivia down to a massive ditch full of mafia corpses. "impressive; sorry for doubting you" "no worries" Michelle dives into the pile of corpses and has a swim. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a sense of relief]

Mission 010: Power of the Press [Sheriffing]
"chief-" "sheriff" "uh sheriff my cousin violet was trying to expose the mafia businesses and the businesses aren't too happy about it" "i'll bet" "she's been spotted hanging upside-down in a warehouse bleeding a lot" "uh let's roll" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car, and Ruth drives out to the warehouse where Violet was last seen. "okay ruth this is probably a trap so i'll go in first-like and then when they surround me with the guns, you do something really cool and kill them all" "got it" Jakey exits the squad car and enters the warehouse, whereupon he is surrounded by mafia goons. "a HA i told youse guys he'd fall right into our trap" "which is why i prepared a counter trap" Ruth runs into the warehouse, guns blazing, and she and Jakey murder the lot of them and turn their attention to Violet, who is hanging upside-down by her feet, bleeding profusely. "what happened to you" "well uh they captured me and tied me up and started calling me hurtful names but then i said 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' which was a bad idea because then they started throwing rocks at me and beating me with lead pipes" "you kind of walked right into that one" "well, next time, i'll just listen to the name-calling and count my blessings" Jakey unties Violet, and places her in the back of the squad car to be taken back to the castle for treatment, along with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new informant]

Mission 011: Hospital Party [Sheriffing]
"hey violet how's recovering from your injuries treating you" "oh it's great; now that the adrenaline has worn off, i am in excruciating pain while my all bones mend" "at least they didn't inject you with liquefied bifidas" "i count my blessings every day" "so uh did you uncover anything interesting while spying on the mafia" "OH yeah they've got the chinese funding them" "the chinese?!" "yeah one of their diplomats is in town to oversee mafioso operations" "oh god" "and the worst part is that she has diplomatic immunity so you can't even arrest her" "that's fine; if i can't remove her from the streets, i can still remove her from this mortal coil" "won't that start a huge war" "only if it looks like i did it; i'm going to frame the mafia" "how" Jakey slams a gigantic phone book onto the table, and searches for local assassins. "here we go: sophia drake and mr. shooty - assassinations by the mafia" "she just advertises that she's in the mafia?" "yeah so clearly no one tells her anything important so she won't know this chinese lady is working with the mafia" "oh uh cool" Jakey inserts an assassination request into the fax machine, and Sophia gets to work, killing Wu Huiqing and disrupting the mafia's plans. "hey uh sheriff look out the window here" Ruth motions Jakey over, and he peers out the window to see Sophia being executed in the streets by a mafioso. "two birds" "makes me wonder why we even invented jails in the first place" All of a sudden, from outside the window, Michelle stands straight up, filling the whole window's view with her face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/satisfaction]

Mission 012: The Offer [Sheriffing]
"BOSS BOSS" Noriko scrambles to drag a comatose body into the castle. "oh no not another one" "special agent grace has stopped breathing but she's still alive somehow" "damn if only we had some way of getting air into her lungs" Jakey curses the fact that CPR hasn't been invented yet. "well this note was lying on her body when i found her" "'dear sheriff; please come to 138 shoe street alone'" "so are you going to do it" "yeah i wasn't doing anything anyway" Jakey hops onto his squad tricycle and pedals off for the address, where a single woman is waiting for him. "hello, my name is resistance leadour" "so um what did you do to my special agent" "she'll be fine; i am currently resisting both her ability to breathe and her ability to die" "uh-" "but i can stop resisting her ability to die right now if you do not give into the mafia's demands" "don't you have it backwards" "what" "if you're so good at resisting, why aren't you resisting the criminals ruining everyone's lives" Resistance Leadour hangs her head. "i started out that way, but the mafia gave me an offer i couldn't resist" Jakey curses out the mafia, for now they have another weapon in their arsenal. "they already got my sister, refusal leadour, with an offer she couldn't refuse" "jesus what's next? an offer you can't reject?" "i hope not; the last thing you want to see is my other sister, rejection leadour, under mafia control" "so, hear me out: do you WANT to resist that offer" "more than anything; i must atone for my failure" "i can make a call right now to form a new branch of the canadian government called 'the department of resistance' and set it to work on developing new resistance technologies and techniques" "REALLY?!" "yes, but i need you to free my agent" "o-okay" Resistance Leadour does as Jakey says, and a nearby payphone starts ringing. "yellow" "it's a miracle; grace is breathing again" "okay good; i'll explain everything when i get there" Jakey hangs up the phone, and it immediately starts ringing again. Jakey picks it up, and on the other end is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new informant]

Mission 013: Topped Off [Sheriffing]
"sheriff we've got reports of a kidnapping; the mafia are planning to kill a wealthy canadian baroness and blame it on alabama to start a war" "that'll never work; king bran and i are bros and we all know that bros come FAR in front of hoes" "um sure but we should probably still rescue her" "good idea" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and peel out for another abandonned warehouse. A jolly tune emenates from within. "♫i'm singin' in the rain; just singin' in the rain♫" "is that our victim" "well the report did say she was kidnapped in the bath" "let's roll" "i don't know sheriff wouldn't it be kind of awkward to j-" Before Ruth can even finish her sentence, Jakey has torn the warehouse door open and begun shooting mafioso. "sigh" Ruth slogs her way into the warehouse and joins Jakey, who has just finished killing the mafia. "♫DANCIN' IN THE RAIN DA DA DA DA DA DA I'M HAPPY AGAIN♫" "miss?" "GAH" Awakening from her jolly tune, the woman notices that she is surrounded by corpses. "where am i" "a warehouse in alabama" "how did i get here" "those men kidnapped you but i killed them don't worry" "hey thanks" "don't mention it" "so uh could you take me home" "um deputy i think this is a job for you" "on it" Michelle nods at Jakey. "thank you for honouring our contract; take me home"
[reward: respect +/50 Michelle Points]

Mission 014: Counted Out [Sheriffing]
"sheriff can you please tell whoever is responsible for these reports to quit sending these joke reports" "let me see that" Jakey grabs the report from Ruth's hands. "the mafia are trying to convert vampires to their cause?!" "yeah it's ridiculous right? everyone knows vampires aren't rea-" "NO TIME TO TALK we've got to stop them!!!" Jakey hops into the squad car, but Ruth doesn't follow. "COME ON DEPUTY" "sigh" Ruth trudges out to the squad car and drives off for the address on the report. "why are we even doing this? we could be responding to real reports" "deputy did you not read the papers i gave you about vampires" "i thought that was a joke" "i would never joke about vampires" They arrive at the address just in time to see a female vampire sinking her teeth into some mafia goons. "sheriff i'll never doubt you again" "okay deputy you go over there and make sure the vampire is on the up and up" "WHAT why me" "i am allergic to vampires" "seriously" "yeah here's my doctor's note" Jakey holds up a bunch of scribbles. Faced with a legitimate doctor's note, Ruth has no choice but to approach the vampire. "um hi i'm deputy ruth barlow" "oh hello officer i'm gwendolyn everhart" "um what are you up to out here" "these guys wanted me to join the mafia but i put 500 bux on the lawmen to defeat the mafia so i didn't want to jeopardise my chances of winning" "smart" "good luck out there" As Gwendolyn walks off, Michelle shows Jakey her own doctor's note. "the doctor says you need to take me home"
[reward: respect +/a sense of relief]

Mission 015: The Payroll [Sheriffing]
"sheriff i've got a theory: what if the reason why we never find any new mafia corpses is because they've paid off the gravedigger to bury them all" "that would be despicable; bypassing the beaurocratic process of being legally dead?! i shudder to think you may be right" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car, and head down to the graveyard. Jakey pounds on the door. "GAH" "OPEN UP IT'S THE POLICE" "n-NOBODY'S HOME" "oh sorry we'll come back later" Jakey makes to walk off, but turns around and charges into the door with his shoulder. Ruth charges in and tackles the gravedigger to the ground, patting her down for weapons. Jakey shines his flashlight right on her face, blinding her one eye. "STATE YOUR NAME" "V-V-V-VALERIE C-CAULFIELD S-S-SIR" "ARE YOU AFFILIATED WITH THE MAFIA" "Y-Y-YES" "wait really?" "Y-YES I-IT'S TRUE" "i didn't expect it to be this easy" "yeah usually the mafia goons deny it over and over" "P-PLEASE D-DON'T HURT M-ME" "no it's cool; we're just going to cuff you and take you to jail, you know" "J-JAIL?! TH-THERE ARE M-MURDERERS IN THERE!!!" "you know, you really don't seem the mafia type" Valerie begins sobbing, terrified of going to jail. "hey deputy? get off of her and confiscate her shovel" Ruth does as she's told, and Jakey hands Valerie a bottle of water. Valerie takes a drink, and begins to calm down very slightly. "jesus this thing's sharp" "y-you h-h-have to sh-sharpen your sh-shovel every day o-or else it w-won't cut through th-the earth" "so how'd a girl like you end up in the mafia" "th-they c-came to m-me in th-th-the night w-with an offer i-i-i c-couldn't refuse" "did you even try to refuse it" "y-yeah a-a-and th-th-they" Valerie erupts into tears again. "i think i get what happened" "so she's a victim?" "yeah; come, valerie, we're placing you under police protection" "r-really?!" "yeah, you'll be safe at the castle" "th-th-thank you" Jakey, Ruth, and Valerie all hop into the squad car with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sharpened shovel weapon]

Mission 016: Smalltime Crime [Sheriffing]
"sheriff the station is being swarmed by thousands of birds!!!" Jakey looks out the window. "no it's even worse: we're being swarmed by PIXINGTONS" "what" "look out here; see the pale skin and to-scale boobs? those are no birds" "what are we gonna do" "follow me" Jakey leads Ruth through the secret tunnel, where the secret squad car is kept. They hop in and ride out for the home of the Pixingtons. Jakey kicks in the front door. "POLICE GET ON THE GROUND NOW" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!!!" Amber reaches for her gun, her one-foot-tall frame struggling to pick it up. Jakey walks over and flicks Amber, causing her to drop her gun and careen into the wall. "i surrender" "wise choice" Jakey pulls out his tiny handcuffs and slaps them onto Amber. He then places her in a tiny cage. "this is humiliating" "do you seriously keep tiny handcuffs on you at all times?" "yeah you never know when a pixington criminal will show up" Jakey hands the cage to Ruth, and tends to the hostage, Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pixington gun]

Mission 017: The Dangers of the Big City [Sheriffing]
"sheriff we've got a woman in here who calls herself piper and she is hysterical" "send her in" Ruth sends in a Mojavistanian woman with gigantic breasts. "hello there ma'am" "sheriff i need your help desperately!!! my daughter has fallen in with a bad crowd!!!" "the mafia?" "yeah!!! she just sent me a photograph of her first 'whacking'!!!" Piper places the picture on the table. A young Mojavistanian woman is standing beside a whacked snitch like a fisherman stands next to his catch. "what the fuck" "please you've got to stop rachel before she does something terrible!!!" "murder doesn't count as terrible?" "uh before she does something ELSE terrible!!!" "we're on it" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head for the location seen in the picture. "POLICE GET ON THE GROUND NOW" "HOW'D THEY FIND US" "uh-oh" Rachel begins to sweat, knowing it was her picture that caused this. Not going to warn them a second time, Jakey opens fire, with Ruth following suit. Soon, every mafia goon is dead except for Rachel. "you're under arrest" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE" Before she can reach for her gun, Rachel is already handcuffed. "dammit" Jakey and Ruth load up Rachel and head back to the station. "is this your daughter ma'am" "RACHEL WHAT WERE YOU THINKING" "YOU RATTED ME OUT" "YOU KILLED A MAN" "ALL THE COOL KIDS ARE DOING IT" "YOU ARE GROUNDED" "YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE" Ruth hucks Rachel into a jail cell. "teenagers" "you said it" Michelle walks up and snaps a picture of Rachel in her cell, then hands it to Piper for posterity. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new prisoner]

Mission 018: A Grave Situation [Sheriffing]
"sheriff the mafia has kidnapped a gravedigger from canada named jasmine fontaine to dig graves for their corpses" "should have seen this one coming" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head for the graveyard again. Agonising screams are heard from the shack at the edge of the graveyard. Jakey kicks down the door. "POLICE NOBODY MOVE" The mafia goons inside dive behind cover. "why do they always move? it just makes shooting them slightly harder" Jakey pops the two mafia goons in the head and rushes over to the figure tied to a chair. "what did they do to you" "well they brought me down here to dig some graves but then when i started asking questions about the bodies they tied me to this chair and started beating me up" "why would you ask so many questions" "i've got to know everything about a corpse before i bury it so i can tailor the grave to it but they weren't even giving me a name" "all right calm down we've got you" "i can't be calm when there are corpses needing a proper burial outside" Jasmine attempts to stand up, but her legs won't hold her up. "deputy go photograph the corpses outside and see if we can get any identities" "can do" As Ruth turns to do as instructed, she bumps into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sharped mini-shovels weapon]

Mission 019: Taking the Law into Their Own Hands [Sheriffing]
"sheriff there's a lawyer here to see you" "hello mr sheriff i am natalie belrose a canadian lawyer" "oh hi" "so uh the mafia told me to put this on your desk" Natalie places a piece of paper on Jakey's desk. "they're suing me?" "yeah they say you're not fit to be sheriff as you are racist against italians" "you know now that you mention it i guess i am" "so are you going to step down as sheriff" "no way; not when so many of those damn italians are still on the streets" "oh cool cool um can i stay here under police protection then" "uh sure; are you afraid of the mafia punishing you for your failure" "yeah you can't trust those damn italians" Jakey and Michelle nod solemnly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a lawyer]

Mission 020: The House of the Lord [Sheriffing]
"sheriff we've got reports of a murder in the church" "the church?! despicable" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head for the church, where a young female corpse lay. Father Brucie solemnly walks over. "what happened here" "well this is my apprentice, brooke; i was training her to forgive sins" "and she encountered one she couldn't forgive" "yeah the mafioso came in and admitted to many, many murders, and brooke refused to forgive him for his sins, so he added another to the list" "she did the right thing" "do you know where the guy went" "yeah he's in the back room; after he killed brooke i apologised to him and told him to go out back and treat himself to the communal wafers hoping you'd show up before he left" "perfect" Jakey marches into the back room, and sees the mafia man munching on wafer after wafer. Jakey grabs him by the scruff of the neck. "okay buddy get out" "what you can't do this i was invited here" Jakey hucks the mafioso out of the church, and begins unloading his entire magazine. "i was under the impression that you'd arrest him" "the prisons are over-crowded" Michelle walks up and begins kicking the corpse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/communal wafers]

Mission 021: Protection of the Law [Sheriffing]
"sheriff two canadian women here to see you" "send them in" Two Canadian women enter Jakey's makeshift office. "hello my name is arabella hughes and the mafia has approached me to use my massive company's massive resources to make them weapons; i do not want to do that so could i hang out here until this blows over" "okay yeah good idea; and who are you" "my name is alison lacroix and the mafia has approched me to use my family's name to create painting promoting the mafia but i could NEVER make 'art' to serve as advertising so i'd like what she's having" "we're getting kind of crowded around here but you're both welcome to stay here until this is all fixed" "sheriff one more canadian woman here to see you" "send her in" Michelle enters Jakey's office. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/filler]

Mission 022: A Ghost of a Chance [Sheriffing]
"sheriff we've got reports of a shakedown in sector 12B" "let's roll" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head down to a shop in Sector 12B, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a well-worn stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "PAY US THE PROTECTION MONEY OR WE'LL REPLACE YOU WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL" "i'm not scared of you" "then you're a fool" "i'm not scared of you either" "then you also are a-" The woman notices Jakey and Ruth behind her. "oh goddammit" "we have you outnumbered; drop your weapon" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS" The woman puts her gun to her temple and fires, killing herself. "never seen that one before" Before their very eyes, a ghost rises from the newly-created mafia corpse. "wait how did i survive that" "you didn't" "wha-" The woman looks down to see her dead body. "DAMMIT i knew i should have finished that crossword puzzle this morning" "leaving unfinished business is a rookie mistake; you're under arrest" "how are you going to arrest a ghost?! YOU CAN'T" Jakey slaps a pair of ecto-brand handcuffs onto the ghost. "well at least they didn't take me alive" "yeah now we can keep you in jail for all eternity instead of just fifty years or so" "goddammit claire you fucking retard" As Claire curses herself up and town, Jakey turns his attention to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new prisoner]

Mission 023: Dubious Reliability [Sheriffing]
"sheriff we've got reports of a shakedown in sector 12B" "is it groundhog day already" "let's go find out" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head down to a shop in Sector 12B, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a well-worn stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "come on man please" "no" "well i've done all i can do" "FREEZE WE'RE THE POLICE" "oh goddammit" The girl drops her gun and raises her hands in the air. "don't shoot me please" "who are you and why did you join the mafia" "my name is unimportant" "seriously" "yeah check my birth certificate" "wait really?" "yeah i joined the mafia today because my horoscope in the kathy khronicle told me to" "shopkeep do you have the latest issue of the kathy khronicle" "yeah here you go" "hmm ALL of the horoscopes say to join the mafia" "looks like we've found our next stop" Michelle walks up and looks over Jakey's shoulder. "wait not EVERY horoscope says to join the mafia; yours says to take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new prisoner]

Mission 024: Khronicles of the Age [Sheriffing]
"deputy did you load up the guns" "yeah but we're assaulting a newspaper why do we need so many guns" "i am not going to dignify that remark with a response" Jakey and Ruth hop into the squad car and head down to the Kathy Publishing HQ. At the door stands an angry female magician. "police we've got a warrant" "oh may i see it" "oh yeah" Ruth walks up to the magician and shows off the warrant. The magician proceeds to stab Ruth through the heart with her wand. "DEPUTY" Jakey opens fire upon the magician, piercing her skull with lead. Jakey runs over to his deputy's dying body. "it was an honour to serve you sheriff" Ruth falls dead in Jakey's arms. Jakey charges up the stairs of the tower, killing each and every mafia goon he sees. He would have done it anyway, but now he does it with slightly more purpose. Eventually, Jakey reaches the top floor. "how did you get past all my guards?! not to mention the great cheryl?!" "she wasn't so great" "dammit" "now with your death the mafia's reign of terror in alabama will finally come to an end" "wait, you thought i was the ringleader? wow you're a silly man" "who is it then" "like i'm gonna tell" Jakey pulls out his lighter and walks over to Kathy's pile of money. "YOU WOULDN'T DARE" "tell me who the ringleader is" "no" Jakey's lighter balances precariously on the edge of his hand. He begins to twist. "OKAY IT'S THE CHICAGOANS" "thank you for your cooperation" Jakey violently throws his lighter downward, setting the pile of money ablaze. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" Kathy begins to rush for her money, but Jakey fires a round through her chest. With her last ounce of strength, Kathy crawls for the money. "now we will be together my sweet" Kathy dies, clutching burning bills. Jakey leaves the tower with Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new enemy]