A Thing Gaiden 16: Fortune Tellour (2018)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"COME ONE COME ALL; I AM THE SEER OF THE PAST AND THE FUTURE; ALL IS KNOWN TO ME AND I AM HERE TODAY TO INFORM YOU OF YOUR PAST LIFE; THE LIFE YOU LED BEFORE YOUR PRESENT FORM WAS UNLEASHED FROM WITHIN YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB; FREE FOR TODAY ONLY"
"free?! shit where do i sign up" "put your hand on my crystal ball young one" "dude you're like 23; i'm fucking 27" "this form may be young, but this spirit is as old as the great oaks of the mystic forest" "yeah yeah whatever" Jakey places his hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a man named jakey who went around doing dumb bullshit for his friends" "oh wow; good to know i'm consistent"
"free is the best price" Kathy places her hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were the guy who discovered ravioli" "like, i just found it? like, underneath the couch cushions?" "it was hidden in an ancient mojavistanian pyramid, underneath the couch cushions" "oh damn"
"all right hit me" Deputy Orange places his hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a black guy!!!" "WHAT" Deputy Orange pulls out his gun and turns it on himself, only to be restrained by Fortune Tellour's security guards. "I CANNOT LIVE WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE POISONED MY MIND WITH; MY VERY WILL TO LIVE IS SHATTERED"
"oh i have got to try this" Grace places her hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a housepainter!!!" "that doesn't sound too bad actually" "you were run out of town after painting the mayor's house pink with yellow polka-dots" "the world wasn't ready for such artistic genius"
"let's just get this over with" Father Brucie places his hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a dvd boxset of season two of my name is earl!!!" "but that show first came on when i was in high school" "or did it?" "yeah i have the wikipedia entry here" Father Brucie holds up his phone. "well uh" Sweat pours down his face as Fortune Tellour throws down a smoke pellet. Once the smoke clears, Fortune Tellour is sitting right where he was originally. "that was your cue to leave"
"let's do this" Claire attempts to place her hand on the crystal ball, but it goes straight through. "some fucking ''''''''''magic'''''''''' you've got there faggot"
"i've always wondered" Sophia places her hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were pretty much the same, only blonder" "like actual blonde? not this dirty blonde bullshit?" Fortune Tellour nods. "hot damn; time to get in touch with my past self"
"hey i just wanted to thank you for all the business you've been attracting our way; shopkeepour can barely keep up with all the girls wanting to become blonder" Taylor places his hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were john madden!!!" "OH SHIT YEAH"
"i'm a sucker for this sort of thing" Amber places her hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a time-travelling warrior known only as 'aegis the invincible' or sometimes 'aegis the conqueror'!!!" "SO THEY WEREN'T JUST DREAMS"
"i-i-i h-hope i-i didn't always st-stutter unc-controllably" Valerie places her hand on the crystal ball. "in a past life, you were a clown!!!" "I-I-I-I'M A-AFRAID OF CLOWNS"
"this ought to be good for a laugh" Sheriff Antony places his hand on the crystal ball. It immediately explodes. "FUCK YOU YOU IMMORTAL PIECE OF SHIT" Fortune Tellour storms off, shards of broken glass embedded into his face.
THE END