Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] [Remaster] VI

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hey jakey what are you doing" "i am sick of not being on an adventure, so i am opening a portal to the land of adventure" "but we just went on an adventure five minutes ago" "i fail to see how this is relevant" Jakey finishes waving his arms around and a portal appears. "ONWARD TO THE LAND OF ADVENTURE" "i don't know i mean i have to go to the dentist's next chaptour, an-" Jakey grabs Bran's wrist and leaps into the portal. "IT IS TIME FOR ADVENTURE" "adventure?! adventure has been outlawed in this land for fifty years" "isn't this the land of adventure" "no this is the land of debenture" The man hastily scribbles something on a piece of paper. "by the way you owe me 10000000000000$ for that exposition" "WHAT i do not have that kind of money" "then you will be SEIZED by A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Small Mother Truckers. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"TOUCHDOWNNNNNNNN" "WHAT YOU TOTALLY CHEATED" "it wasn't cheating it was simply misdirection" "AKA CHEATING" "you sound mad" "AND WHY WOULDN'T I WHEN MY OPPONENT HAS BEEN PLAINLY CHEATING" "listen, a touchdown is scored when all the pins are knocked down; the rules do not state that the puck has to do the knocking" "IT'S AGAINST THE RULES TO ENTER THE GOALIE BOX" "and i didn't do that; the front tyre of my kart did" "eif accept your loss it is time for me to play" Taylor shoves Eif off the ottoman and takes his spot and controller. "dude this controller is covered in cheeto dust" "it was like that when i got here" "yeah i cover the controllers in cheeto dust to improve their grip" "oh that makes sense" "NOW WATCH AS I TUNE MY SPORTSMEN USING PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS MADE TO IMPROVE THEIR ACCELERATION" "DOESN'T MEAN SHIT WITHOUT HANDLING FAG" "PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT HANDLING? WHAT AM I, FOUR?" "yes" Taylor holds up Jakey's birth certificate. "oh damn" "jakey this game is rating everyone 10 and plus; you can't play this by law" "yeah i'm calling sheriff antony" "no wait please don't" "hello sheriff antony there is someone here playing games rated everyone 10+ who is not in fact 10+" Jakey zips out the door, on the run from the law. He never stays in one place for too long; all he can rely on are his wits and A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Wii Sports Resort. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Bran runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of ice. Ice shoots from Bran's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job bran" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"hey jakey i just got my new magazine in the mail" "oh fuck i love magazines" "hey why don't we start our OWN magazine" "that is a brilliant idea what should our magazine be about" There is a slight pause as the two ponder the question put forth by Eif. At once, both utter the same word. "MAGAZINES" "yes magazine magazine will be the best magazine about magazines in the world!!!" "yeah, by default, even!!!" "fuck yeah default!!!" "the magazine world will be turned on its head once we release magazine magazine; the only magazine about magazines in the world" "just imagine the sheer coverage; pages and pages of our magazine dedicated to guiding avid magazine-readers on their journey to reach magazine nirvana" "imagine reviews of magazines; previews of magazines; question + answer about magazines" "my penis is engorged at the thought of magazine magazine's in-depth magazine coverage" "as is mine re:magazine magazine and its magazine coverage" "but who should we get to publish magazine magazine" There is a slight pause as the two ponder the question put forth by Eif. At once, both utter the same words. "A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Spider Solitaire. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Taylor runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of wind. Wind shoots from Taylor's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job taylor" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE" Eif fires a shot into the air as Taylor rounds up the crowd into a corner. Jakey waddles over to the counter and points his shotgun at the clerk. "I WOULD LIKE A NUMBER ONE, A NUMBER SEVEN, A NUMBER FIVE, A NUMBER EIGHT, AND TWO PLAIN HAMBURGERS" "would you like fries with that" "oh sure" "that will be 20.95$" "B GET OVER HERE" "ON IT" Bran hops over two tables and slides down into cover behind the counter, getting out his credit card and handing it to the clerk. "THE CARD IS IN PLACE" The clerk swipes the credit card and hands it back to Bran, who tucks it safely in his wallet. The bag of food is handed to Jakey, who passes it off to Eif. "IT'S ALL HERE" "GOOD" Bran somersalts out of cover and rushes to the door, covering it for extraction. Eif leaves first, carrying the package out to the getaway vehicle, where Tony is waiting. Next, Jakey backs out, only taking his gun off the clerk once he's safely outside. Third is Taylor, who does the same to the customers. Finally, Bran quickly leaves through the door. The four hop into the getaway vehicle, and Tony floors it, but hits A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Mortal Kombat: Deception. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Eif runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of fire. Fire shoots from Eif's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job eif" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE" Sheriff Antony bursts in while Deputy Orange covers his rear. "you think we wouldn't have HEARD about your little fast food SHENANIGANS? well we DID" "shit" "SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE, TUBBY" "hey that's not nice taylor isn't fat" "jakey i think he was talking to you" "well you're pretty shit at thinking then" "SILENCE we of the police force DEMAND A CUT" "oh here you go" Eif hands Sheriff Antony a single french fry. "all right boys let's get out of here" Sheriff Antony pops the french fry into his mouth and retreats. "what a nice man" "i'm just glad he didn't know about my junior meal toy" Bran pulls out his Junior Meal toy, based on A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip MLB The Show 2005. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Tony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of earth. Earth shoots from Tony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job tony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"Hey Guys Would You Like To Come Over For Dinner Tonight" "gee i'd love to but i've got a dentist appointment" "and i have to go to my mother's funeral, so" "I Am Afraid That There Is No Option Other Than Compliance" "wait what" "why are my legs moving on their own" "You Are Going To Come Over To Dinner Whether You Like It Or Not" "help" "No One Can Stop You From Partaking In My Delicious Casserole Now" Bran and Eif grab onto either side of the doorframe, but end up ripping out the wall as they march towards dinner. "I Will Pay For The Repairs Later" "you FIEND" Taylor attempts to saw off his own legs, but the blade quickly dulls and becomes useless. Finally, they arrive at their destination. "I Am So Glad That You Could Make It For Dinner Guys" "i'm not" "But I've Prepared Your Favourite" Jakey's eyes light up at the thought of partaking in his favourite dish, Stick of Butter. Tim lifts the top off the platter, revealing A HARLEQUIN FOETUS CASSEROLE
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Fire Emblem Gaiden. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Michelle runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of light. Light shoots from Michelle's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job michelle" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"what are we doing at gamestop; they aren't even open yet" "i wanted to be first in line for the ps5 launch" "eif our games are all on nintendo systems we can't be advertising a competitor's product" "besides why would you even want a ps5 when the ps3, ps4, and vita had no games at all" "pfft, games; who needs those when you can watch NETFLIX AND HULU" "you can also do that on wii u, which we already have" "pfft wii u is for babies and i am certainly no baby" "i disagree, on both points" "whatever losers, enjoy your baby hardware while i enjoy my cinematic masterpieces in 480p and silky-smooth 20 fps" "all right" The group turns to leave. "WAIT WAIT if you leave what am i going to eat" "i don't know, maybe that HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Greek Roulette. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Amiee :3 runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of pastry. Pastry shoots from Amiee :3's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job amiee :3" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"guys we are in college now why are we not prowling the campus and picking up chicks" "my doctor says i should refrain from prowling until my coccyx heals from the accident" "and i am staying pure for my qt virgin waifu" "YOUR WAIFU IS AN UGLY WHORE" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was a bit harsh sorry" "i am down re:prowling the campus + picking up females" "word up my nigga" Eif and Taylor fistbump and head onto the campus. "hey ladies would you like to have carnal relations with me" "i charge upfront" "oh right" Eif hands the lady his credit card, and she rings him up. "all right let's get going" "oh boy" Eif and Taylor's sister wander off to have carnal relations at a golf course. "FORE" A golf ball is whacked into the air by A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Break-In. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Sheriff Antony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of imagination. Imagination shoots from Sheriff Antony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job sheriff antony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"guys polygon says we aren't 'racially diverse' enough, among other things that i didn't really understand" "hmm i know exactly how to solve this problem" Eif leads the guys to the racetrack. "you see, we have done footraces, stock car races, kart races, and boxcar races, but we have NEVER done a horse race" "eif you are a genius" "luckily i forsaw this eventuality as i know how testy the horse racing community can be, and have bought us all horses to race" Five beautiful white stallions emerge from the stables. "DIBS ON THE ONE ON THE LEFT" "aw man" Jakey runs up to his horse, eyes full of both confidence and awe. "i am going to name you él quien corre como el burro" "that is a beautiful name what does it mean" "'fast as a motherfucker'" "oh dammit i was going to name mine that but i couldn't find 'motherfucker' in this english-to-spanish dictionary" "and you LAUGHED at me for taking three years of spanish class in high school NOW WHO'S LAUGHING" "ME BECAUSE I'M ALREADY HALFWAY TO THE FINISH LINE MOTHERFUCKERS" "AH SHIT" Everyone else mounts their stallions and rides after Taylor, who has gained a sizable lead upon his horse, el crunch wrap supreme. Behind him are él quien corre como el burro, el quesedilla grande, and Chet. Bringing up the rear is A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Vietnamese Checkers. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Kathy runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of knives. Knives shoots from Kathy's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job kathy" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"okay i couldn't sell you on the non-aryan steeds, but how about these LEGENDARY WEAPONS" "well uh" "they don't look so legendary to me" "but they were used to slay the horrible monster!!!" "what horrible monster" "you know that one that was terrorising that nation" "what nation" "uh el republic dominicano" "what was the beast's name" "uh steve" "oh yeah, that guy" The five pay for their legendary swords and exit the factory, and are immediately eaten by a giant plant. "aw we didn't even have time to make snide comments" "and i had the best one lined up!!!" "really what was it" "nah the moment's passed" "come on tell me" "no" "please" "okay, it was 'that-'" "no you have to do the voice" "the... voice?" "you know the bran voice" "you mean... my voice?" "no i mean the 'oh look i am bran rargh'" "oh right; ahem: 'that is the third-largest plant i have ever seen'" "..." "..." "better than last time at least" "anyway now how do we get out of here" "taylor, use your grass powers!!!" "i have wind powers" "goddammit" "why are you so useless taylor" "hey i have an idea" "tell me the idea" "let's BURN the plant" "..." "..." "EIF THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY JOKES" "HEY MY JOKES ARE GREAT" "0/10" "FUCK" "guys let's ICE the plant" "great idea bran!!!" "but guys fire-" "eif stop being mad just because your power is shitty and not very effective against grass" Bran blasts the planet with ice, freeing the five. "it sure is cold here in the vacuum of space" "i've been colder" Suddenly, someone changes the bag. "oh no i did not see this coming" The five are emptied into a trash can, where they find A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Monopoly: Dominican Republic Edition. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Mr. Sock runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of sandals. Sandals shoots from Mr. Sock's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job mr sock" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"bendik i am making a big feast for the director of rpgboot so that he will give us more screentime but these meats are too big and i have no means to make them smaller" "oh dear" "that does sound like a problem but fortunately i have a solution" Kathy spins a knife on the tip of her finger. "i have created a process to give humans the ability to create sharp cutting implements at will; NO LONGER will you have to choke on hunks of meat that are too large for normal consumption, instead, you can choke on hunks of meat that are just the right size for human consumption" "that sounds great i'll take ten" "that will be 199.50$" "a bargain at twice the price" "that will be 399$" "deal" Brucie hands Kathy his money and receives ten compact discs in return. Brucie attempts to install the discs on his computer, but it is infected with A HARLEQUIN FOETUS TROJAN
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Plaster Master. "So Like" "yeah?" "What Now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "But I Already Have Them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "Take That Back" "okay yeah that was mean" "Okay" Robert Truckdriver runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of Damage Inc.. Damage Inc. shoots from Robert Truckdriver's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job robert truckdriver" "yeah you're pretty cool" "You Mean It?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"hello and welcome to restaurant what would you like to eat" "we would all like the fondue" "coming right up" The waiter leaves and returns with five fondues. "oh thank you so much" "this is the best fondue i have ever had" "good for it will also be YOUR LAST" The waiter tears off his unform to reveal his true identity: Chuck. Chains sprout from the floor and wrap around the five restaurant-goers. "help" "no one can save you once i melt your very flesh from your bones with this boiling hot fondue" "YOU FIEND; using such a pure food as fondue to further your evil ambitions" "BAHAHA NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW" Chuck throws the fondue at Jakey. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Sheriff Antony leaps from the ceiling and takes the hit, only allowing the boiling fondue to hit his own body and the chains that bind Jakey. "oh shit" Chuck runs off to regroup and hatch a new plan. "SHERIFF ANTONY" "it's too late for me; it's time for this sheriff to hit the big ranch in the sky" "but what about all those civilians you killed" "..." "..." "fuck" A single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face, the final single tear he will produce before being dragged to Hell. "jakey please grant me one final request" "anything" "can i have your sister's number (i'm talking about phones)" "i don't have a sister" "then who the fuck is michelle" "OH HER right her number is uh give me a second" Jakey runs off to find a phonebook as the life drains from Sheriff Antony's body. "okay let's see, michelle, michelle ah here it-" Sheriff Antony is gone, and only brimstone from Death's bag remains. "FUCK"

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"mother i have returned" "who are you" "your son, tony" "i don't have a son" "but wait that means..." Tony fades from existence. "..." "..." "how did" "lo all" Stevman teleports in on his time machine, does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Michelle walks up to the group and rests her arms on their shoulders. "take me home"
THE END