Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] [Remaster] III

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Jakey bursts through the door to King Bran's office in the dead of night as Bran is catching up on his paperwork until the rain dies down. "TAKE THAT PAPERWORK HA NOT SO TOUGH NOW ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER" "bran we need to go on an adventure" "but we just went on an adventure last week" "that wasn't an adventure, that was a basket-weaving class" "oh i always get those two confused" "a reasonable mistake" "so where should we go on an adventure to" "um how about the grocery store" "good idea; we're running out of milk anyway" Jakey and Bran head to the grocery store. "OH MY GOD THEY ARE HAVING A SALE ON OREGANO" Jakey grabs all of the oregano he can fit in his arms and runs to the register with glee. Bran heads to the frozen food section and looks in the freezers to find A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Spider-Man 2: Enter Electro. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
Jakey sets his chips down at the blackjack table. "deal me in" Eif deals Jakey in. "17" "hit me" "20" "hit me" "21" "hit me" "26; sorry you lose" "WHAT THIS GAME'S RIGGED" "sir please calm-" "NO FUCK YOU I AM GOING TO PLAY A GAME OF SKILL" Jakey picks up his remaining chips and heads to the roulette wheel. "BET IT ALL ON BLACK" Bran gives the wheel a spin. "and the winner is... red!!!" "GODDAMN RIGGED-ASS CASINO GAMES" Jakey storms off and begins shaking slot machines. "sir i'm going to have to ask you to leave" "NO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE" Taylor sweats. "sorry sir" Taylor exits the casino and walks straight into A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Army Men Air Attack 2. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Bran runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of ice. Ice shoots from Bran's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job bran" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY" "oh who are you robbing" "YOU" "wait don't rob me; rob eif he has way more money than me" "WHY SHOULDN'T I ROB BOTH OF YOU" "well the government just passed this new law saying that you can only rob one person per day" "... really?" "yeah man it's kind of a drag" "thanks for the advice stranger" Sheriff Antony tips his hat and walks over to Eif. "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY" "i'd... rather not" "RATS" Sheriff Antony mopes off into A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Taylor runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of wind. Wind shoots from Taylor's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job taylor" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"WE HAVE BEEN FALLING FROM THE SKY FOR HOURS" "THIS FUCKING SUCKS" "WE'RE GOING TO DIE IF WE DON'T SLOW OUR DESCENT SOMEHOW" "guys i can make a parachute" "oh good idea do that" "i'll need all of your shirts so that i can make the parachute" "what no way" "yeah man i'm not letting anyone see my inverted nipple" "your what" "oh no my secret is revealed" "but guys you are wearing identical shirts underneath" "but what if a hot chick is without a shirt and asks me for mine; how will i be hero and awesome and great-looking if i do not have a shirt to give her" "good point" "i guess we're stuck then" "oh hey look it's svart" "hi svart!!!" "oh wait that's not svart that's A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip John Woo's Stranglehold. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Eif runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of fire. Fire shoots from Eif's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job eif" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"excuse me sir do you know what time it is" "I'M A CHUCKSTER" The Chuckster grabs Jakey by the torso and chucks him into a wall. "rude" "hey dude have you seen jakey" Eif holds his hand way above his head. "he's about this tall and looks like a hobo" "I'M A CHUCKSTER" The Chuckster grabs Eif by the head and chucks him into the ground. Eif skids and crashes into Jakey. "can you believe the nerve of that guy" "no jakey" Eif glares at the Chuckster. "no i cannot" Eif and Jakey approach the Chuckster from opposite sides. "hey bro i don't appreciate-" "I'M A CHUCKSTER" The Chuckster grabs Eif by the head and chucks him straight into Jakey. Eif grabs his cellphone and calls up Sheriff Antony. "sheriff antony we need you to arrest a guy" "say no more" Sheriff Antony walks up to the Chuckster. "sir you're under arre-" "I'M A CHUCKSTER" The Chuckster grabs Sheriff Antony by the torso and chucks him into Eif and Jakey. "i am dropping the charges" Sheriff Antony goes limp. "I'M A CHUCKSTER" The Chuckster aims toward the three and chucks A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Tonka Garage. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Tony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of earth. Earth shoots from Tony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job tony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"oh shit the last pudding cup" Eif grabs the pudding cup out of the fridge. "HALT CITIZEN I NEED THAT PUDDING CUP" "what why this is the last one" "THERE IS A MYSTERY DEEP WITHIN THAT PUDDING CUP THAT REQUIRES SHERIFF-LIKE INVESTIGATION" "but-" "CITIZEN I HAVE A WARRANT" Sheriff Antony holds up a piece of paper with the word "WARENT" hastily scribbled in red crayon. "well i guess if you have a warrant" Sheriff Antony snatches the pudding cup out of Eif's hand and peels off the silver foil. Sheriff Antony takes out his sheriff-issue spoon and digs into the pudding. "oh man this is so good" Sheriff Antony hands the empty pudding cup back to Eif. "thanks citizen for your help" "i am glad that i could contribute to justice" Sheriff Antony spins on his heel and walks off, directly into A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Discus. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Michelle runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of light. Light shoots from Michelle's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job michelle" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"guys we need get into arby's URGENTLY" "what why" "they are having a sale on their signature potato cakes!!!" "oh shit dog" "so uh how do we get into arby's" "well, the guidebook says we need to sacrifice the blood of a virgin" "do we know any virgins" "definitely not i mean WOW who could still be a virgin at this point in their life i mean WOW holy shit what a loser right haha" Jakey's eyes dart back and forth, as he prays no one discovers his deepest secret. "i guess we'll just have to buy one at the store" "good idea because we definitely DEFINITELY don't know any hopeless pathetic virgins haha" Eif, Jakey, and Bran head down to the dollar store. "hello do you have any virgins in stock" "oh yes we just got in a new shipment" Taylor grabs a virgin off the shelf, still in its original packaging. "we will take it; how much" "a dollar" "wow that's a great deal; maybe you should advertise your deal" "good idea" Eif hands Taylor the one dollar, and the three head back to Arby's to prepare the ritual. "check the book to see how many candles we need" "uh let's see uh it says we DON'T need to sacrifice the blood of a virgin" "well shit" "you could have told me that BEFORE i opened the box; now he has no resale value!!!" Eif chucks the virgin into the dumpster, and the three head into Arby's, where they are greeted by A HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONE
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Turkey. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Amiee :3 runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of pastry. Pastry shoots from Amiee :3's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job amiee :3" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"eif we are going to be late!!!" "i am going as fast as i can!!!" Eif's moped putts forward, and all the traffic drives past it. "come on this is the most important night of our young lives!!!" "i did not want to do this, but i fear that the time has come" A single tear streams down Eif's cheek. "it is time to shift into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE" The moped sputters and spurts as it struggles to go faster and faster. Black smoke pours from both its engine and its tailpipe. A loud grinding noise is heard as it slowly goes down to a full stop, never to be ridden again. "we're here!!!" "oh good i can't believe we almost missed the rpgboot awards" Eif and Jakey take off their mopedding helmets and throw them into the street, causing a giant pile-up, and enter the RPGboot awards. "and the award for best supporting cast member goes to... A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip LEGO Island 2: The Brickster's Revenge. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Sheriff Antony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of imagination. Imagination shoots from Sheriff Antony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job sheriff antony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"i am so glad you gots came" Sheriff Antony coughs loudly. "it means a lot to have you all here for" "don't mention it friend" "i wouldn't miss this for the world" Sheriff Antony lays in his hospital bed as everyone else stands around eating cake and wearing party hats. "HELLO I AM THE DOCTOR" Eif busts down the door. "IT IS TIME FOR THE OPERATION" "oh boy" Everyone pulls up a seat to watch the legendary doctor Eif operate on the legendary patient Sheriff Antony. "so according to my charts you are having trouble breathing" "yes also i have a bad cough" "hmm obviously the problem is your lungs they will have to be removed" "all right!!!" Sheriff Antony smiles, knowing that getting rid of the excess weight of his lungs will allow him to enter the big race on Thursday. Eif takes out a hacksaw and begins to saw Sheriff Antony in half. "wooh go eif" "wooh yeah" "hooray" Eif reaches into Sheriff Antony's chest and tears out his lungs, then staples his two halves back together. "and it is done" "yay" "wooh" "hooray" Eif bows and exits the room, ready to face his next patient. "how does it feel sheriff antony" "like god himself sent an angel to cure my woes" Sheriff Antony stands up, puts on his marathon number, and runs down to the starting line of the big race. "on your mark get set" A gunshot rings out from the pistol of A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Rugby. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Kathy runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of knives. Knives shoots from Kathy's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job kathy" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"okay i couldn't beat you in the big race, but how about these LEGENDARY WEAPONS" "well uh" "they don't look so legendary to me" "but they were used to slay the horrible monster!!!" "what horrible monster" "you know that one that was terrorising that nation" "what nation" "uh mojavistan" "what was the beast's name" "uh jack mojave" "oh yeah; the man who lead his people away from their homes into the desert, promising freedom, but then they found freedom and it sucked" "history's greatest monster" The five pay for their legendary swords and exit the factory, and are immediately eaten by a giant plant. "aw we didn't even have time to make snide comments" "and i had the best one lined up!!!" "really what was it" "nah the moment's passed" "come on tell me" "no" "please" "okay, it was 'that-'" "no you have to do the voice" "the... voice?" "you know the bran voice" "you mean... my voice?" "no i mean the 'oh look i am bran rargh'" "oh right; ahem: 'that is the third-largest plant i have ever seen'" "..." "..." "better than last time at least" "anyway now how do we get out of here" "taylor, use your grass powers!!!" "i have wind powers" "goddammit" "why are you so useless taylor" "hey i have an idea" "tell me the idea" "let's BURN the plant" "..." "..." "EIF THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY JOKES" "HEY MY JOKES ARE GREAT" "0/10" "FUCK" "guys let's ICE the plant" "great idea bran!!!" "but guys fire-" "eif stop being mad just because your power is shitty and not very effective against grass" Bran blasts the planet with ice, freeing the five. "it sure is cold here in the vacuum of space" "i've been colder" Suddenly, someone changes the bag. "oh no i did not see this coming" The five are emptied into a trash can, where they find A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Assassin's Creed CXVIII: Unity. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Mr. Sock runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of sandals. Sandals shoots from Mr. Sock's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job mr sock" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"shit it's dark in here" Orange gropes the wall for a light switch, but comes up empty. "ah hello there; you appear to be in a situation with a lack of..." Michelle snaps her fingers, lighting up the whole room. "light" "holy shit how did you do that" "how? with this!!!" Michelle holds up a compact disc. "can i have one i will pay money" Orange holds up his wallet. "how much would you expect to pay for such a thing? a thousand dollars? a million dollars? a thousand dollars? no, this compact disc can be yours for the low low LOW price of just 19.95!!!" "I'LL TAKE I-" "BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE call in now and we'll DOUBLE your order; two light powerses for just 19.95!!!" "YES GIV-" "BUT WAIT TH-" "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY GODDAMN MONEY" Orange hands Michelle his 19.95-dollar bill, and Michelle hands over two compact discs. "yes yes YES" Orange pops one of the discs into his mouth and chews. "oh wow it's cherry-flavoured!!!" All of a sudden, a figure turns its head and drops its basket of cherries, running up to Orange and revealing itself to be A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Reading Blaster. "So Like" "yeah?" "What Now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "But I Already Have Them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "Take That Back" "okay yeah that was mean" "Okay" Robert Truckdriver runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of Damage Inc.. Damage Inc. shoots from Robert Truckdriver's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job robert truckdriver" "yeah you're pretty cool" "You Mean It?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"STAND DOWN VILLAIN WE ARE HERE TO DEFEAT-oh hey it's stevman" "lo stevman" "lo all" "how's things" "oh you know how there are five elements" "oh totally" "well there are actually six" "what no" "0/10" "you're not very good at this stevman" "the sixth is DARKNESS" "yeah right uh-huh" "here i'll show you" Stevman grabs Eif out of the air with his dark power, strangling the life out of him. "anyone else want a demonstration" "oh me me!!!" Stevman grabs Jakey with a dark cloud and lifts him high into the air, repeatedly bashing him against the ceiling. "wow six elements" "this is crazy" "who would have ever thought" The door bursts open and Michelle walks into the room, bathed in a glowing light. "lo stevman did you know that there are actually SEVEN elements" "what no get out of town" "it is true the seventh element is LIGHT" "0/10" "what no it totally is" "your rating isn't getting any higher" "you have offended my honour and now we must do BATTLE" "very well" "rock paper scissors shoot" "haha paper covers rock" "WHAT no it doesn't that is BULLSHIT" "paper totally covers rock and there is nothing you can do about it" "but rock is so much heavier than paper it could totally weigh paper down so it can't do anything" "but paper is so much faster than heavy-ass rock and it always ends up covering it" "but rock could just bust RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THAT SHIT" "how" "like THIS" Michelle's right hand begins to pour out light, melting Stevman's hand. "OH MY GOD OH SHIT OW SHIT FUCK" "rock beats paper motherfucker" Michelle puts on a pair of sunglasses and rides off into the sunset on her motorcycle.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"mother i have returned" "who are you" "your son, tony" "i don't have a son" "but wait that means..." Tony fades from existence. "..." "..." "how did" "lo all" Stevman teleports in on his time machine, does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Michelle walks up to the group and rests her arms on their shoulders. "take me home"
THE END