A.L. Noire (season 66)

Subject: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:25 pm

EPYSODE ONE:
Sometimes cases just wind up on your desk with no rhyme or reason. This time, however, it was a little more... literal. I walked into my office at the crack of noon, earlier than usual, ready to sit at my desk and order some Chinese food. Unfortunately, this plan was cut short when there were stains on my desk other than the usual variety. These stains were of a much more red hue. "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A FUCKING BODY WHAT THE FUCK OH SHIT I'M GONNA GET BLAMED FOR THIS OH GOD oh wait maybe this isn't my office" Sure enough, the name plaque on the door read "Sheriff Antony, P.I.". "SHIT FUCK ASS FUCK GOD WHY ME WHAT WILL THE CHIEF THINK" Maintaining my calm demeanour, I inspected the body with care. "oh my god i don't have to touch it do i oh gross gross gross" From the man's personal effects, I determined that he was a mister Robert Truckdriver 8, and he really liked oatmeal; his pockets were full of the stuff. I spun around to investigate his home, hoping to find clues, or that party-size Kit-Kat I dropped on the way to work.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE TWO:
Entering the home of a victim is never easy, especially when their family has no clue. I walked up to the man's front door and before I could even knock, a man opened the door. "Do You Know What Happened To Robert Truckdriver Eight" "i sure do!!! he's totally dead!!!" "What" The man stumbled backwards, understandably shaken by his loss. "i'm totally a detective working on the case" "I Hope The Man And/Or Woman Who Did This Is Brought To Justice" "does your husband have any enemies" "I'm A Boy" "could have fooled me" "Robert Truckdriver Eight Was My Fellow Clone Living In This House With Me And Some Other Clones" "clones of who?!" "Mostly Robert Truckdriver, But There Is A Clone Of Television's Neil Patrick Harris" "oh man can i meet him?!" "No" "damn foiled again" With no leads, I turned around and silently thumbed through the victim's wallet, finding nothing but a library card and a receipt for five pounds of oatmeal. I headed for the grocery store, hungry for clues, and maybe a candy bar.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE THREE:
Groceriez Я Us. A place where people can forget about their troubles and purchase the items needed to function as a human being. I headed for the front office, but a large, imposing man stood in my way. "you're not getting in" Naturally, I didn't take any of his shit. "o-okay" "oh is that a police badge? i thought you were one of those goth kids we always get hanging around here; come in come in" After I asserted my authority, the man let me in with no further questions, and I had a little alone time with the so-called "manager". "what seems to be the problem officer" "a man was murdered after buying five pounds of oatmeal at your store" "well we were running a special on oatmeal" "and he was found with these five pounds of oatmeal IN HIS POCKETS" "the special was for five pounds of oatmeal" "HOW DID ALL THIS OATMEAL END UP IN HIS POCKETS, HMM MISTER 'MANAGER'?" "the special was only valid if the customer could fit all five pounds of oatmeal in their pockets" "ADMIT IT, YOU MURDERED ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 8" "no i didn't" "oh sorry" With no clues, I turned to follow up on that library card lead.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE FOUR:
Libraries. An outdated relic about to be swept away by the television. Only the most nostalgic, foolhardy men would dare strain their eyes to read text when there are more healthy alternatives. The layers of dust on the tomes in this former hall of knowledge were thick; thick as my determination to get to the bottom of this case. I confidently walked up to the library lady and grilled her for information. "hello do you-" "QUIET THIS IS A LIBRARY" "i am aw-" "THIS IS A FUCKING LIBRARY YOU FUCKING RETARD" "bu-" "IF YOU CANNOT BE QUIET, GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIBRARY" "b-" Before I could even get a word out, the library lady grabbed me by the ear and tossed me outside. I dusted myself off and walked the streets for clues.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE FIVE:
The streets. A harsh, unforgiving wasteland of pavement and cement. I prowl these streets daily for my various cases. And there's never any shortage of clues to be found here. "EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT; ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 8 HAS OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK; NATION-WIDE MANHUNT IN EFFECT" "quick give me a newspaper" "that will be twenty-five cents" "i am an officer of the law young man" "good for you; twenty-five cents" Defeated, I headed for the victim's house for more information. "What Do You Mean Robert Truckdriver Eight Had An Overdue Library Book" "That Is Horrible" "Truly This Man Was Worse Than Hitler" "I Am Ashamed To Call Him My Brother" "I Am Glad That He Is Dead" "I Am Sure That It Was Orange's Fault" "Goddammit Orange When Will You Stop Plaguing Us" The Robert Truckdriver clones then went off to take down Robert Truckdriver 8's picture from the "Wall Of Cool Guys". Taking the clue gained from the victim's family, I went to the new suspect's house for questioning.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE SIX:
Wasting no time, I kicked the suspect's door in. I could not let this slippery bastard escape. "FREEZE YOU'RE UNDER ARREST" "what did i do officer" "YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 8" "but i don't even know him" "TELL IT TO THE JUDGE" I slapped some handcuffs on him and noticed a peculiar book on the counter. "THIS IS ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 8'S OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK" "yeah i found it on the street and was planning to return it" "DON'T LIE TO ME; YOU TWO ARE IN CAHOOTS" "i don't even know what that means!!!" "TELL IT TO THE JUDGE" "you said that already" "TELL IT TO THE JUDGE" With my catch firmly in hand, I marched him through the streets to his new home: the inside of a jail cell.

Subject: Re: A.L. Noire (season 66) Fri Mar 14, 2014 4:26 pm

EPYSODE SEVEN:
After a job well done, I like to go see the Chief. "SHERIFF ANTONY THE LIBRARIAN HAS CONFESSED TO THE MURDER OF ROBERT TRUCKDRIVER 8" "oh cool" "BUT SILLY US, WE BOOKED FAMED MOVIE STAR ORANGE" "if you think about it, orange is really to blame for it all, isn't he?" "..." "..." "nice work, sheriff antony" The chief gave me a bonus, impressed with my quick thinking and bravery in the face of danger. "well what are you still doing here; get out of my office" "s-sorry"
THE END

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