Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] XIII

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Jakey sits in a pile of his own filth, watching television. "i am so fucking sick of that jakey from 'a thing' getting all the cool adventures IT IS TIME TO TAKE A STAND AND HAVE FUN ADVENTURES OF MY OWN" Jakey stands up, pizza boxes sliding off of him, when his watch alarm rings. "oh shit it’s laundry day" Jakey grabs the laundry basket and heads to the laundromat. "i will have fun adventures after i do my laundry" "hey jakey" "hello laundro-matt" Jakey stands in front of the soap machine. "hmm free of dyes? nah; the more the merrier i say" Jakey grabs a bag of "Laundro-MAX – more dyes and perfumes than you can FUCKING COUNT DOG". Jakey tosses his laundry into the machine and turns it on for an hour. "hey jakey wanna come throw eggs at svart’s car" "i really should stay here so that nobody steals my laundry" "your loss" Eif rides off, and Jakey waits for his laundry to finish. "OKAY NOW IT IS TIME FOR FUN ADVENTURES" Jakey’s watch alarm goes off again. "oh shit it’s time for my stories" Jakey sits down to watch Dial. "NOW FOR ADVENTURE well actually it’s getting kind of late maybe tomorrow" Jakey heads to bed and opens the covers, revealing A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"jakey can you hand me that wrench over there" "okay what are you making" "i am starving so i am building a can-opener to open this can of bush's baked beans" "bush's baked beans?! i fucking love bush's baked beans" "IT IS DONE" Eif attempts to open the can with his new invention, but is unable to. "god fucking dammit" "oh shit this invention looks comfy as fuck" Jakey grabs the new invention and drapes it around himself. "this would be so much better to sleep under than those stone blocks we've been using for warmth I MUST SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD" Jakey runs to the local news channel and displays Eif’s new invention. The entire world mobs around Eif's house and busts the door in, only to find Eif’s corpse desperately clutching a can of Bush’s Baked Beans, as well as A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Twister. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Bran runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of ice. Ice shoots from Bran's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job bran" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"it is time to play SCRABBLE" "oh fuck yes i love games that let me show off my vocabularium" "same" Bran plays the word "inept", and Jakey builds off of it to create "zineptiqude". "dude that’s not a word" "it totally is and totally not a desperate ploy to try and use the shitty letters i drew" "i am getting the dictionary" Eif grabs the dictionary and turns to "Z". "oh shit there it is" "WHAT" Eif shows everyone the slightly off-colour page that is stapled into the dictionary that only has one word on it. "gee" "i guess we have to give jakey the points" "wooh" "MY TURN" Taylor builds off of the "E" in "zineptiqude" to form A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice for All. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Taylor runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of wind. Wind shoots from Taylor's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job taylor" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"hello i am here with the public safety awareness board; did you know that millions of people die from exposure to dihydrogen monoxide each and every year" "gasp" "like carbon monoxide, dihydrogen monoxide is colourless and odourless, and accidental inhalation can be fatal" "GASP" "in its solid form, prolonged exposure can cause severe skin damage" "oh no" "in its gaseous form, it can cause severe burns" "OH NO" "and the worst part is that there is dihydrogen monoxide in your home right now" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Eif runs around screaming with his arms above his head. "but you’re in luck; i can sell you this dihydrogen monoxide detector for just $19.95" "i refuse to give you any less than $29.95" "deal" Eif hands Jakey his money and installs his new dihydrogen monoxide detector, which beeps immediately. "OH MY GOD WHERE" Eif drops his glass and runs around the room, bumping into A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip NBA Live 06. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Eif runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of fire. Fire shoots from Eif's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job eif" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"hello jakey i'd like you to meet my friend kenny; he is black and brings some much-needed ethnic diversity to our group" "i'm also a roman" "... get out" Kenny solemnly leaves the house. "well now we need a new black friend" "wait isn't svart black" "i thought he was mexican" "only one way to find out!!!" Jakey and Eif head to Svart's house. "hey svart are you black" "uh let me check" Svart walks up to his birth certificate. "no i am aparently caucasian" "oh damn" "guess we'll have to find a different, more black guy to be our friend" "i can change baby i swear" "let us know how that works for you" "i guess we should just try knocking on doors randomly" "good idea" Jakey and Eif knock on several doors, but are only met by Mexicans, Asians, Arabs, and Native Americans. "last house" "man i hope this guy's black" Jakey knocks on the door. "hello" "oh my god it's national basketball association star dwayne wade!!!" "oh man i fucking love national basketball association star dwayne wade!!!" "national basketball association star dwayne wade, are you black" "uh let me check" National Basketball Association Star Dwayne Wade checks his birth certificate. "no i am apparently african american" "aw shit" "we'll never find a black person" "thanks anyway, national basketball association star dwayne wade" "any time" "GUYS I FOUND YOU A BLACK FRIEND" "oh my god who is it" "it's A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Hockey. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Tony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of earth. Earth shoots from Tony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job tony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"JAKEY YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE ME" "what" Eif runs around, closing all the curtains. "I STOLE A PIECE OF PENNY CANDY FROM THE CONVENIENCE STORE" "what no one is going to chase after you for a lost piece of penny candy" "ON THE WAY HOME I WAS BEING CHASED BY A HELICOPTER" "then why do i not hear helicopter blades" "IT WAS A STEALTH HELICOPTER" "a stealth helicopter" "THEY ARE NEW" "yeah you're just being silly" Jakey opens the curtains and is met with an intense light. "EIF COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR" "BUT NOT TOO FAR IN THE AIR SO THAT THEY ARE NOT CUT OFF BY THE BLADES OF OUR STEALTH HELICOPTER" "i never should have cancelled my subscription to helicopter weekly" Eif walks outside wearing a top hat and false moustache. "hey ho there is no 'eif' here eh wot" "WELL IF YOU SEE HIM CALL US" "what's the number old bean" "911" "sir are you trying to make me seem foolish; phone numbers have ten digits pip pip" "UH IT'S A SPECIAL PHONE NUMBER" "i do think you are trying to trick me with a ruse you rapscallions; get out of my yard go go" "UH SORRY SIR" Andy Summers flies the stealth helicopter high into the air and flies into A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Pull My Finger. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Michelle runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of light. Light shoots from Michelle's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job michelle" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"jakey the sink is backed up again" "again?!" "i'll call the plumber" "NO DON'T" "do you... not want to use the sink ever again?" "the plumber's fees are so outrageous; i will fix the sink myself" "but you don't know the first thing about plumbing" "how hard can it be" "uh-huh well i am going to leave the house and probably never come back just in case" Amiee :3 exits the house, and Jakey heads for the sink. "hmm if something is caught IN the sink, to get it out, i will have to be in the sink myself" Jakey removes the drainstop, and shoves his arm into the sink. "found the clog!!!" Jakey pulls, but his hand is stuck. "uh" Jakey reaches for the phone and calls Eif. "dude my hand is stuck in the sink" "i'm afraid there is no option aside from AMPUTATION" "what about-" "NO OTHER OPTION" "bu-" "I WILL BE OVER RIGHT AWAY WITH THE BONESAW" "but-" Eif hangs up. "shit" Jakey frantically tries to pull his hand out of the drain, when Eif bursts through the door. "OKAY TIME TO AMPUTATE" "WAIT CAN'T YOU JUST CUT THE PIPE" "NO THAT'S JUST STUPID" Eif begins to hack away at Jakey's arm, unleashing a torrent of blood, on which surfs A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Mall. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Amiee :3 runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of pastry. Pastry shoots from Amiee :3's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job amiee :3" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"hey i've got a package here for a mistour uh key" "who" "a mistour j. key" "never heard of him" "but the package is addressed to this house" Eif and Bran look at eachother for a second before running around with their arms above their heads, screaming. "JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE WE ARE RECEIVING MYSTERIOUS PACKAGES" "CALL THE POLICE" "WAY AHEAD OF" "hello you have reached the police; please hold" 'Every Breath You Take' starts playing on the phone. "hello this is stewart copeland how do you feel" "horrible someone is sending us packages for people we don't know" "what's the return address" "it's... OH GOD" "what what is it" "THE PACKAGES ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE" Eif and Stewart Copeland drop their phones and run around with their arms above their heads, screaming. "oh shit eif look a package" "oh who's it from" "A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Search. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Sheriff Antony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of imagination. Imagination shoots from Sheriff Antony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job sheriff antony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"hey where's jakey" "last i saw him i told him to go to hell for liking countdown to extinction better than rust in peace" "oh no" "i know he's such a cunt" "no i mean jakey has this disease where if anyone tells him to go to hell he winds up in detroit for a few hours" "is there a cure?" "it's terminal" Jakey walks through the door, covered in tyre tracks. "hey jakey how was detroit" "i don't want to talk about it" Jakey walks over to his chair and turns on his favourite television programme, A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Flicking the Lights On and Off Repeatedly. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Kathy runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of knives. Knives shoots from Kathy's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job kathy" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"hey look a factory i wonder if they have any legendary weapons" "but my shelves are full of legendary weapons" "i barely have room for my pope adrian iv collector's plates" "and my pope pius iv collector's plates" "FOR THE LAST GODDAMN TIME YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING POPE PIUS IV COLLECTOR'S PLATES ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS LIKE THE FUCKING CUNT PICTURED ON THEM" "but pope pius iv reopened the council of trent, also known as the best council" "more like the WORST council" "TAKE THAT BACK" "NEVER" "anyway it's time to wander aimlessly" "oh, so business as usual then?" The eight run straight into a giant plant. "woah deja vu" "taylor use your grass powers!!!" "i have wind powers" "oh right but surely amiee :3 has grass powers" "no because you guys said i should have pastry powe-" "THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOUR LACK OF FORESIGHT" The giant plant devours the seven intrepid adventurers, as well as Jakey. "welp" "guys i have an idea" "if it involves using fire, eifion, i swear to fucking god" "um... no..." Eif sweeps aside a flamethrower with his foot. "guys i have an idea" "i'm listening" "fucking ICE" "brilliant; run with it" "okay" Bran runs to the other end of the plant, ice cube in hand. "..." "..." "that is not what i had in mind" "but i can only ascertain what you have in mouth" "..." "..." "fair enough" Bran blasts his way out of the giant planet. "uranus isn't that big" "compared to the rest of the cold vaccuum of space, it's actually pretty small" Suddenly, someone changes the bag! "oh i get it; vacuum as in vacuum cleaner" "it is a pun" "a shit pun" "TAKE THAT BACK YOU YOU YOU NOT THAT COOL GUY" "TAKE THAT BACK" "NOT UNTIL YOU TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID THREE LINES AGO" "NEVER" "well then it seems we are at an impasse" Then A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Papal Punch-Out!!!. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Mr. Sock runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of sandals. Sandals shoots from Mr. Sock's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job mr sock" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"oh look it's SVART" "oh fuck i love svart" "svart is great!!!" "well svart is pretty good" "svart is just okay" "svart is... pretty bad" "svart is horrible" "svart is awful" Jakey and Eif boo and throw things at Svart.
Svart walks towards Jakey and Eif, but trips and hacks their legs off at the feet. "ow" "oops sorry" Svart hookshots up to the roof in order to call 999. "what an amazing man" "he's great!!!" "he's pretty good" "he's decent at best" "he's... kind of shit" "he's terrible" "he's horrendous" "we must speak to president obama at once" "hello" "hello mistour president did you know that svart is absolutely atrocious" "THE CUNT" "i know right"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"hey guys i got a job!!!" "uh-oh" "i am now... THE POPE OF ENGLAND" "they... have their own pope?" "yeah to make public appearances, like santa at the mall" "THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY SANTA?!" Amiee :3 runs off, crying. "and they also gave me this mini-pope hat so that i can make someone junior pope" "ooh me me pick me; i have always wanted to be junior pope since i first heard of it just now" "okay let's go to the vatican of england" "oh do we have a plane?" "oh no they moved the vatican of england next door to lessen the commute" "how thoughtf-wait isn't that svart's house" "shrug" Jakey and Eif pass Svart begging for food on their way to the Vatican of England. "hello mr. pope are you ready for YOUR DOOM today?!" "no; i've got a meeting in ten minutes" "oh well when should i pencil it in" "i'm free at about 2:30" "okay" Jakey and Eif enter the meeting and give a presentation on their idea for a theme park, Pope Land, with such rides as "The Pope Hat Slide", "The Pope Hat Teacups", "The Pope Hat Rollercoaster", "The Pope Hat Saloon", and "The Pope Hat Hoe-Down". "all right sir are you ready for YOUR DOOM" "yes" Jakey's assistant pulls a lever, lowering Jakey and Eif into a pit of magma. "NOW YOU WILL BE DROWNED IN THIS MOLTEN LAVA A-" "actually, since it is beneath the surface, it is technically magma" "okay we-" "also you can't really 'drown' in magma as it would melt you far before you even got a chance to get it in your lungs" "wel-" "also that isn't really magma, it's cake frosting" "you see-" "but you can't drown in cake frosting, either, so you're still completely wrong about our fates" "i give up" Jakey's assistant throws his arms in the air and storms out. "all's well that ends well, i guess" "POPE JAKEY POPE JAKEY COME QUICK THERE ARE LEMON SQUARES IN THE CAFETERIA" "OH BOY" Jakey and Eif run to the cafeteria with their arms full of cake frosting.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"IT'S TIME FOR THE SAME ENDING AS ALWAYS BITCHES" "..." "..." "FUCK" "welp" "that's it, rpgboot is over" "i'm so sorry" "sorry doesn't cut it" The actors leave the set in shame. "what have i done" Eif turns and heads to the janitor's closet, head held in shame. "goodbye... cruel world" Eif hits himself over the head with a mop repeatedly. "ow" "lo all" Stevman does a kneeslide onto the set, shredding the shreddiest solo ever heard by mortal ears. "..." "..." "okay rpgboot's not over any more" "ow" "eif you can stop hitting yourself with that mop" "must atone for sins" "take me home" "NO MICHELLE IT IS TIME YOU LEARNED WHERE HOME IS" "but then my catchphrase would be meaningless" "we survive just fine without catchphrases!!!" "YOU HAVE NO SOULS" Michelle turns and heads for home. "where do i live" "sigh" Jakey and Michelle head home. "where's og loc when you need him"
THE END