My uninteresting reviews for interesting people. introduction and 1 2 3

inb4 shredd demotivates me with harsh reality.

Since green will be reviewing things, and im also bored I thought id review every game I have within like 10 lines or something and a tl;dr to summarize.

STARTING TODAY

im going by alphabetic order, and i do this pure out of boredom. I´ll do whenever i feel like it.

1. Age of Empires

Developer: Ensemble Studios

What to say, dont know been too long, who cares nobody plays it anymore. ?/10

2 Age of Empires 2

Developer: Ensemble Studios

Also been way too long, but I remember this. Great strategy with not much bullshit. Editor to make your own maps wich holds so much fun.
Cheat codes are just hilarious, like using cows as catapult amunition. Online never played, campaign i just cheated. Wonders great buildings no idea what they did. big armies wich you can easily make a formation in is so great. base building with walls is just fun enough. 10/10 for rts

tl;dr whats our current age?

3 Age of Empires 3

Developer: Ensem- great

Didn't play this one much, its set in north america mostly, i dont even know. the base building is less, the tech research is higher. You can make alot of fun cannon things wich blows shit up. also ships with cannons. big armies. but its all the same. makes you wish you were playing AOE 2 instead.
You build up the basic, build a wall and a few towers to hold of enemy, build up resources, make big army, overwhelm enemy with army thats 3 times the size of ur enemies setllement. 7/10

tl;dr: american belongs to the irish!

4

Amped 3

Developer: too lazy to look at the box
oh its 2K sports

I didnt play this much either, its fun in a way but i just barely played it. its alright for a snowboard game. graphics are graphical graphics as usual.
you get barely an introduction of how things work. you get an awfull long weird cutscene you wont give a fuck about wich tries to be funny.
All the people in the game are phonies i say.
Soundtrack is generic skate music.
There are some fun gamemodes i know about, theres like a mode where you have to get the most painfull injuries as possible (although ur immortal)
Theres a character customization thingy that doesnt go that deep, but damn you can make urself look hilariously ugly.
Try the demo on the xbox if you would be interrested, but no one cares about snowboarding since SSX 3 is the best.
6/10

tl;dr: Fucking youngin's and their ''rock'' music

age of empires 1 was pretty nice. played it not too long ago because nostalgia.

5 Army of Two

Developer: EA

Played 2 years back i think, Okay game i say, Playing in co-op is mandatory. if you dont play on co-op ull just rage about the stupid AI mate, besides its build for co-op and u can have fun together.
the story is mild and you dont much care about it. the combat mechanics are quite alright too, its abit of a hard game. you can switch weapons, you can play dead, back to back sequences wich make no sense but are ''okay''.
WEAPON CUSTOMIZATION! its there, quite alright and fun goes deep too. you can change masks too, but you wont find urself doing this cause the masks that you get are the only ones good looking.
Overall its fun but the enemy ai is annoying throwing grenades is a chore, and shooting enemies behind cover is just terrible (it makes you having to use the ''argo'' tech) 8/10 !

tl;dr: Yo bro can you give me a boast <3

Ah yes, many great memories with Sir Age of Empires 1.

i remember the first time i discovered a discovery and was promptly mauled to death by five lions


good times

6

Army of two: the 40th Day

Developer: EA

Much like the first one, better mechanics tho, more fluent, but also more unnecesairy stuff.
I like the sniper countdown sure.
COLLECTABLES, hundreds, all pointless. seriously pointless.
Same gameplay same characters. BUT the weapon customization is insanely deep, no game has it so into detail.
Story? story, is just rediculous. checkpoints are scarce leaving you to rage. game is about 5 hours long. REDICULOUS ENDING.
fun to play with a mate, but not as good as first one.
Its like whatever you do in this game has any impact at all, oh almost forgot MORAL CHOICES, yes they are there, but you wont give a fuck about it.
5/10

tl;dr: Is this the end of the game? I think its the end of the game.

I fucked up the alphabet

7

Anno 1602

Developer: Max Design

Fun game yes fun, first in the series i think no?
I have no idea what the multiplayer options were, but i dont care.
Story i had no interrest in so i dont know.
The simple design was giving me intense rigids, ripping off honest pioneers with too high taxes was just orgasmic.
slaughtering native villages and getting curses was just a way of life i had to take. watching ur city bloom into a festering pot of fat aristocrats who want everything ever made, is just a glorious sight.
Going to war was, not impressive, pirates tho, yeah, pirates!
9/10 fun game

tl;dr: the citizens of your empire erected

>Max Design

8

Assassins Creed

Developer: Ubisoft

Bought when 2 came out, great game, hate manditory traveling through the kingdom tho, same for drunks pushing you into guards and blaming you.
Story started great, i sure love using stealth like this.
We all know the game so why do i bother.
7/10

tl;dr: THIEF! you are filth!

9

Assassins creed 2

Nigger

Well this was certainly fun. New story oh boy. plot twists oh boy. better fighting mechanics oh boy oh boy.
Great game certainly, i like the killing yes the killing.
horses everywhere, side quests everywhere. so much to do so much to collect.
8/10

tl;dr: Making it exciting to wait for Assassins Creed: Berlusconi Chronicles

10

Assassins Creed: Brotherhood

Obersaft

Great, could be better, i hated temple of romulus, i hated that Ezio just didnt kill fat borgia when he opened vault. Why was Borgia such an idiot to fist fight the final battle anyway.
Right anyway, instead of killing guys urself you can choose to be lazy and can get recruits to kill for you.
More stuff in the game like being in a tank, being in a shit bomber ship, being in a shit flyer bomber, makes the game abit more interresting.
the game is anti roman for sure so we have to give credit.
I didnt like it only plays in rome and you cant go to other cities like in AC2 but fine.
Again a million sidequests and things to collect.
I never played the multiplayer
7/10

tl;dr: I think the romans were dicks to not clean up their ruins.

sorry purple, i do not own ape escape.

also ill just review the games i actually played so ill skip battlefield 1942

11

Battlefield 3

Developer: Dice

Its ok, dont expect the campaign to entertain you. Frostbite 2 engine looks all good, but its all so triggered.
Multiplayer is joy, shame about it being all call of duty style people playing it instead of team based workings.
I reckon it will be a great game once MW3 comes out and all the kids leave BF3 for that, leaving old grizzled battlefield veterans.
Vehicles are fun, they just are, and thank god friendly fire is turned off most of the time else people will teamkill you for the vehicles.
Why am i writing this review none of you like guns.
campaign 5/10 multiplayer 7/10

tl;dr: WELL WASNT THIS FUN?

I'd say Brotherhood was a better game up until the end, where it fell to shit. The mechanics were better, but II's story and ending were miles better.

12

Brothers in Arms Hell's Highway

Developer: Ubisoft + Gearbox

Quite alright, its unrealistic as a world war 2 game but who gives a fuck. theres a story in there that starts without you knowing what the fuck is going on.
u need the 2 previous games for that. (i have those but they are just unplayably bad)
the combat is, guess GUESSSSSSSSSSSS.... cover based yeeeesss ofcourse with regenerating health. the game is quite hard tho. there are also tank sequences, some sniping.
Spooky hospital level. MULTIPLAYER IS A NO GO, JUST DONT.
its single player all the way, its mostly first person, but when ur in cover it shows u in cover as third person. also this game is one of those games that suffer from the not enough checkpoints terminal illness.
6/10

tl;dr: ''THIS GUN IS CURSED YO'' ''no man it makes sure the blood of ur eyes dissapears.''

13

Borderlands

Developer: Gearbox

Well we all know what we think of FPS right about now, owait an RPG you say? an open wo-
IITS NOT AN OPEN WORLD! Linear as fuck. concept is great, have a billion guns who only are different by stats. (i always sucked in comparing weapons and armour and choosing in rpgs), Like every pretentious fuck i was a sniper. Now i used a revolver almost all the fucking time, i even used a shotgun as a mid range weapon.
Overall the game has a shit story, but its okay, its just like you want a treasure, basic. The enviroment isssss BROWN like always in fps.
I hated the lack of variaty in enemies. they are just the same but a higher level.
THE SIDEQUESTS ARE STUPID FUKKEN STUPID i did them all regardless. i wonder why theres so much dlc for this game.
the co-op is pointless if you play with someone who is higher level than you, or if ur higher than him u gotta be like in range of 3 levels with each other.
it doesnt have to be but if its not, you cant do shit, or you do all shit. even if ur the same level as ur mates, theres no need for teamplay at all.
and versus arena is just gay. just gay, really gay. the overall game holds for me no replayablity after 1 playthrough.
5/10

tl;dr: SWEET SWEET DEALS! for high prices

14

Bulletstorm

Developer: Epic games, Ea, People can fly and the rest of the universe

Wow, yeah fun. CAMPAIGN! not much for story, its rediculously easy. its all about the ''killshots'' okay they are fun, but its not even hard.
The corny humour sometimes makes me cry, but its alright at times. I did not replay the campaign i had no intention, its not interresting enough.
Now theres the extra ''echoes'' mode, wich is just basicly small parts of the campaign you have to get alot of skillshot points in a a short most time.
pretty cheap.
Now theres the multiplayer anarchy mode, now thats fun! playing 4 player or 5 i forgot how many co-op against hordes not to survive but to get the amount of skillpoints to get to the next round, buy new weapons and abilities inbetween rounds to make urself more effective. Shame i dont have any friends.
the campaign ends in a cliffhanger OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO
6/10

tl;dr: Saving a sushi dick who wants to kill you is my favourite

15

OH BOY Call of duty

Developer: satan

Call of duty 1 NOT SO BAD treyarch didnt smell the devil coming yet.
shoot germans twice on their head untill they die wow.
medpacks wow
This game was actually LONG and HARD wow
the story was, not interresting its WW2 thats all
6/10

tl;dr: Hey i have a great idea! lets make a game based on D day!

16

Call of Duty 2

you know who damnit

I never played the campaign! i heard you have tanks tho and its not that bad. but who knows
I played mutliplayer mostly LAN with friends cause I dont want to be seen online following the mainstream.
Its fun, buggy, but fun. Also the game wont work 75% of the time correctly, you have to play without sound sometimes so it wont crash at startup
And it can crash when you get hit by a grenade.
Now the online multiplayer is fun IF you get it to work!
But Max didnt you just say you didnt want to be see- . YES I SAID IT AND I LIED, I FUCKING LIED.
6/10

tl;dr: lets make a game about D day! BUT BETTER!

The campaign was actually pretty fun, especially the Russian bit. Shame Call of Duty 3 was so mediocre. I gave up on the franchise after it.

17

cause Max is dutch he forgot another B

Brute Force

Developer: Microsoft Game Studios

Well, this is quite alright. Theres co-op! I love co-op. I dont know anything about multiplayer online tho.
Im one of people who never got xbox live on the classic xbox.
ANYWAY . this game is fun, you got i think 4 characters you can play as, each with a WHOLE different skill set, weapons and abilities.
The game is quite easy in the beginning but so fucking hard in the end. (thats how it works yes?) eventually you will be annoyed many times in the campaign but it is fun. I have NO idea what the entire story is about. i forgot the soundtrack too.
Anyway this is fun, try it if you DARE (are able to).
8/10

tl;dr: If you can clone me, why dont you create multiple of me so i can masturbate myself?

>Theres co-op! I love co-op.
>you got i think 4 characters you can play as, each with a WHOLE different skill set
>I have NO idea what the entire story is about

sounds like borderlands

its older than that
its for the xbox classic maaaan, and it takes place on multiple planets

18

Call of Duty 4

Developer: Bobby Kotick

YOU KNOW IT, i have a modern warfare game. Actually suprise suprise, the campaign is fun.
Shame about the hype. Also this game suffers from the EXACT same issues as call of duty 2 with errors and crashes.
We all know the story, first the USA goes to a sandcountry and kill sandpeople, find out its a russian mastermind and go after russians the rest of the game.
WOOHOO and since then instead of making a billion ww2 games now modernwarfare is being done to death.
Also i think battlefield 2 started that and counterstrike. fuck activision and fuck pretentious game reviewers who claim to know about games (Geoff Keighley)
ANYWAY multiplayer is fun but its multiplayer so no one of us will ever play.
6/10

tl;dr: So if im correct, russia does have more boom in their sputnik?

All throughout 2008, all I ever heard about was "CALL OF DUTY". The game went from "might get when it's cheap" to "fuck it, never playing it". The constant assrape is too much for me; it feels like I've played it a thousand times.

19

Call of Duty: World at War

treybarf

Well. The campaign is great actually. Really great, i love it. Sniper level as we are used of in call of duty, tank level sweet. real great tank level btw. Black cat airplane gunship thingy level also quite fun. The entire campaign is also avaible in co-op, besides the sniper and the black cat level.
I tell you, playing co-op in 2 seperate tanks is so much fun, they should make an entire game of it. really id buy it twice just because.
who needs to know about the story? its ww2 okay. Multiplayer i played a couple of times, its very annoying so i base it on campaign.
Also they released FOUR dlc packs FOUR all multiplayer maps. fuck man.
7/10

tl;dr: I thought we settled for D day, but then we thought lets invade japan this time. have some variaty