Branfic

Chapter 1: Before the Beginning

On a cold winter’s morning, in the time before the light, the Oompa Loopas were working harder than ever. It was rare to see any activity from the old factory in the middle of town, seeing as it had been closed down 15 years ago, but smoke was once again flowing from the massive chimney at the top, finally showing signs of activity.

The factory was owned by a man named Willy Wonka, the greatest Groovemaster to grace this Earth. He had developed all of the world’s sickest grooves since he started in his youth. He traveled the globe, experiencing all the world had to offer in terms of grooves and his wealth of talent crafted the unrefined beats into the grooves the world would come to recognize as the best grooves ever.

Wonka was finally forced to close the factory when he hit a wall of lack of inspiration. He toiled for days, weeks, and years, trying to write another groove that would rock the world over and back, but he couldn’t. In his sorrow, he closed the factory, divorced his wife, gave his children to orphanages, sold his dogs to china, and burned down trees in the local park.

Wonka needed to continue making money, so he hastily made up a soft drink called “Liquid Groove” that every person on Earth enjoyed, no exception. He created a few different flavors he cleverly named after musical genres (the best flavor is Prog, hands down). To save money, Wonka went to this country no one had heard of and shipped all of the male natives to make his pop for him without pay. He also allocated his money to foreign banks to avoid taxes and just lived in his office to save on insurance. He was named the richest man on the planet, and gained a bit or renown as an economist for the Obama administration.

Then he locked himself away and was never heard from again.

Until Now.

Chapter 2: The Protagonist

This story follows the life of Charlie Bucket, who was known more commonly by his friends as Sam Totman. The 14 year old boy lived in a shack in the middle of town with his parents and both sets of grandparents. Before the closing of the factory, both of Sam’s grandpas and his father worked in the Groove Factory, making just above minimum wage, but no one complained. When it closed, the family tried to find more jobs, but a mixture of laziness and lack of money forced them to live in their current residence and just reminisce about the good old days. Sam was tired of his lazy parents and really wanted to get out of his tiny factory town, so he practiced guitar for hours every day.

To celebrate the re-opening of his Groove Factory, Wonka decided to hold a contest to let 5 lucky people enter his factory and get a tour of all of its inner workings. To do so, he put secret codes on the bottom of pop bottle lids that people had to input on his website to see if they won. Bottles were sold by the millions, everyone fighting for their chance to win a tour of the amazing factory. Young children started hording pop lids, hoping to have a winner in their collections. Littering was off the charts all over the world, and because the reflective bottles covered streets everywhere, the sun’s light was reflected back into the atmosphere, causing a small Ice Age for approx. 10 years following. Subsequently, Wonka won a Nobel Peace prize for stopping global warming.

However, in the dismal economy, the pop wasn’t cheap. For Sam’s birthday, his family spent every dime they had ever earned and bought Sam a bottle of Wonka’s R&B Pop, his favorite flavour. Because he didn’t have internet access, Sam took his pop lid and hitched a ride to a town 20 minutes away with two very shady looking men just to use the town’s public library’s computer, only to see that he had lost. He cried himself to sleep that night. "Maybe tomorrow," he hoped pointlessly, "Maybe tomorrow."

Chapter 3: Luck

The big news story the next morning was that 4 of the 5 lucky winners had been found, and that only one more lucky pop lid remained. Sam was still bummed from before, and just sat in his room all day crying. His family was a little worried that Sam had missed school 3 days in a row. They had all been hoping that his good grades would land him a nice job that would allow him to buy food for them, since they hadn’t eaten a decent meal in 5 years.

To cheer Sam up and get him back in school, his dad decided to beg on the street corner until he got another bottle of Liquid Groove. With the money he received, he could only afford to buy Album-Oriented Rock pop, but he ran the bottle back home with a smile on his face. He handed Sam the bottle, and Sam slowly opened the bottle, letting all of the aromas enter his nose. Then he looked at the cap which read:

“YOU WIN. Enter this code to redeem your prize”

Sam cried tears of joy. His dad frowned a bit, knowing that his son won’t be in school for a few days now. Regardless, he helped Sam steal the neighbour’s WIFI and was declared the 5th winner.

Chapter 4: Oh Boy

The winners were all very interesting folks.

The first winner was a plump child from Sweden, named Yngwie Malmsteen. He came from an upper class family who fed him well. Yngwie was well known as “the child that loved Liquid Groove” ; he always had at least two bottles of it on him at any time.

The second winner was Rivers Cuomo, a child who was always seeking attention and thought he was the greatest man on the planet. He also preferred not to drink Liquid Groove, seeing as everyone else liked it, and was more keen on listening to Wonka’s lesser known grooves.

The third winner was Matt Bellamy. Also a bit of an attention seeker, he did whatever needed to be done to make the most money without caring about how sinister he had to be to get it. But no matter what he did, he always got his way, and was known for being super greedy.

The fourth winner was Tom Morello. He was a bit of a geek, always watching TV and Movies and playing video games. His favorite part of all those were the effects they used, and he spent hours just listening to the audio editing and watching the CGI. He was also a bit of a slacker, never doing any school work, so he was still in the 3rd grade, even at 14 years old.

The final winner was, of course, our own Sam Totman.

The 5 children stood at the gate of the old factory, ready for whatever they had to face inside the massive building. A crowd had gathered of residents, paparazzi, and news reporters, waiting restlessly to see the old, famous Groovemaster again for the first time in 15 years. At exactly noon, the gates opened, and the 5 children walked inside to see a massive courtyard. The gates closed when they had crossed the threshold, and everybody outside wept. Not sure why.

Chapter 5: A Man among Men

Enclosed in this snow covered courtyard between the gate and the door to the factory, the children looked at each other with smiles. “We did it,” they all thought. With a loud sound, the front door of the factory opened, and out walked a moderately tall man, dressed in a red and purple paisley robe that stretched past his ankles, covering his feet completely. His head was covered in a massive black afro, kept together with a thin red headband. He looked stoned, but none of the children could tell, seeing as they were too young to have experienced such adult activities. With a low, soothing voice, he called to them, “Hey babes, come on in.”

The children all looked at each other in disbelief. They just kind of stood there and didn’t move, and Wonka got a bit annoyed.

“Hey babes, why you all standin’ there and what just walk yourselfs on over here and don’t mind the snow there’s only like 2 inches I sprinkled some salt on it so it should be pretty much melted so yeah what are you waiting for don’t make me come over there.”

Not needing told twice, Sam lead the pack, walking towards the door, followed by the rest. As they reached the door, Wonka leaned down to them and, removing the large sunglasses, eyed all of them over.

“So I see that there’s a poor kid a rich kid a fat kid a nerdy kid and a jerk kid wow what luck I was hoping to get some groovin’ girls to visit my factory especially the new addition I put in the basement where the wine flows like water mmm such a wonderful place anyway I guess I’ll just have to do with what I have jeez lighten up kids it was a joke I won’t be havin’ fools with bad senses of humour entering my factory now get out teehee just kiddin’ babes let’s go inside don’t trip on the first step it’s a little high I’ll have to get that fixed I do have a bit of money if you didn’t know”

The kids were really confused at this old man’s style of speech, but they went inside where there were hooks for their coats. Then Wonka lead them to a red door with the label “Wonka Museum.” He pulled a key out of a pocket in his robe and slid it in the keyhole.

“Are you ready?”

Chapter 6: Buffet of Love

Wonka turned the handle, and creaked the door open just enough for him to see inside. He took one peek inside, then looked back at the children with a big grin on his face. He then opened up the door and out rushed a smell like that of incense and pineapples, which confused the children thoroughly. But everything made sense when they entered the room.

Inside was a long and wide hallway. Along the side of the hallway were little rooms with no doors, made to be exhibits showcasing all of Wonka’s achievements. Between each little room were blue walls, each containing one light in the center in the shape of Wonka’s head, smiling like he had just witnessed world peace come into fruition by the hands of his unborn children after years of war and violence between the Jews and Islamic warriors of old.

Before the children could get to the exhibit, a lady was there with a tray of donuts and fried bacon. Yngwie started drooling onto Cuomo’s shoulder, and he impolitely told Yngwie to fornicate with his own body. The lady walked with the tray over to the children.

“Hello little kiddies, oh aren’t you all so cute. Here, have some complimentary donuts and bacon from the one and only Wonka. There’s also some juice and milk over on that stand so don’t worry about needing to saturate those pretty little bellies of yours.”

Sam, having a lazy family with no ambition, ate heartily seeing as this might be the most wholesome meal he eats in months. Bellamy turned down the offer, seeing as the fat would ruin his figure. Yngwie ate and ate and ate, and, Cuomo, always being in competition, tried to match Yngwie, but gave up after 7 donuts. Morello just hung back and took 15 minutes to eat one donut. By the time he was done eating his first, the donuts had all been finished. He was rather disappointed.

Wonka called them over to the first room, ready to show them all of the great things he had purchased in his life.

Chapter 7: Superman saves the Day

The 5 kids and Wonka viewed all of the exhibits with interest, even though none of them really wanted to keep looking, but Wonka kept insisting they should keep looking. The first room housed a statue depicting Wonka’s birth. The entire statue was made of pure gold, and looked freshly polished. Wonka’s gold cast mother was on a bed, crying tears of joy, while the doctor held the newly born babe in a style reminiscent of the Lion King, but the baby already had an afro and sunglasses on. Also in the room were golden angels hanging from the ceiling, singing praises to the new born Prince of Groove.

The second room had a billion dollar painting hanging from the far wall of Wonka marrying his wife, a really busty girl that he kidnapped from the Amazon. The picture really wasn’t all that special. But Wonka thought it was very special.

“So babes yeah this is my favorite room in the whole museum probably I mean wow what a hottie she was so great and everything she cooked meals like no one’s business not even my business and it’s my house you know I mean I guess she did know my business but not just anyone’s business if you get what I mean hehe but yeah wow nice girl and that bone structure and those curves wow she was the perfect wife also it’s funny because she didn’t speak English so I pulled pranks on her all the time once I went up to her and screamed in gibberish and she thought that someone was in trouble so she ran out of the house naked and everyone one saw her I was laughing so hard I know funny am I right anyway yeah so she had to go through therapy and what not I mean how serious can you be it was just a joke lighten up woman but yeah shame I had to divorce her and all when I couldn’t think of any groovin’ grooves i hope she’s doing okay I mean I’m sure she knew someone who could help her anyway yeah I’m going to cry get me out of here but yeah next exhibit please, hehe.”

The third, fourth and fifth rooms all had various statues of Wonka done by famous artists all depicting him writing his first groove, performing his grooves to mass audiences, and sitting at the table eating breakfast, respectively. Sam was bored out of his mind, and was just about ready to call it quits, but then they hit the 6th room in the Museum, and his interest was sparked.

Chapter 8: Divine Intervention

In the final room was a giant Golden amp with the brand name “Wonka” on the top, approximately 30 feet tall. A 50 foot long input cable lead from the top of the massive amp down to a collection of about 20 effect pedals, all connected to power supplies and connected with patch chords made of pure gold. All of this led to the focal point of the room, Wonka’s Guitar.

It was on a pedestal made of marble. The pedestal was shaped like a Ionic Pillar, decorated with naked angels in dance positions all up the sides. The bottom of the pillar was a classic looking boom box carved out of the marble, with little angels turning up the volume. Little cartoon music notes were floating out of the speakers and had been carved dancing with the naked angels. On the top of the pedestal was a marble carved statue of a naked and beautiful woman, seemingly shaped like his ex-wife, sitting Indian style, her arms thrown to the sky, acting as supports for the guitar. But nothing in the pedestal was quite as beautiful as the guitar itself.

The guitar was unlike any other guitar on earth, which was only suitable for the Groovemaster foretold by the prophets long ago. The style might be described as that of a combination of a Les Paul and a Stratocaster, but also mixed with the face of Zeus and the passion of Poseidon. The Body of the guitar was pure white, and in the light of the exhibit, seemed to glow with a light like the heavens. The hardware was 24 karat gold, with a platinum pick guard. The wood for the neck was made of the white pine only found in the highest heights of the Himalayas. The headstock was carved like a miniature Wonka, but with wings and a halo that floated above the guitar, seemingly by magic.

All 5 of the kids were starting in disbelief at the sight before their eyes, while behind them Wonka was doing some hip dance moves to the soft music playing through the speakers throughout the museum. He looked down and noticed all the kids with their eyes and mouths gaping open and was a little surprised.

“Hey super children check it out it’s my favorite guitar I call it the ‘pinky toe of God’ hehe nice name right anyway yeah I bought it after I made my first groove and have been making grooves on it since then yeah mmm you know the tune “Babe (You’ve Got It Going On)” and “Pour that Groove in between my Cheeks” yeah that guitar all the way mmm anyway yeah I have like 3 more of them in the back of the exhibit so if any of you children want to play it go ahead yeah I mean it has no sentimental value to me anymore the one thing I request is that only the best of you play it so like I don’t want any out of tune powerchords played in his groovin’ hall that would just be atrocious so um yeah who is the best among you get on up there and snatch that there axe of the groove and play me a little tune mmm”

Still a little influenced by the mass quantity of donuts he had eaten earlier, Yngwie, in a thick Swedish accent, stepped forward and calmly said, “I am the best, commoners.”

Chapter 9: Battle of the

He walked forward and, after finding a step stool, turned on the massive amp and grabbed the Pinky Toe of God and a pick that was laying on the floor. He inspected all of the effects pedals, and, after messing with a few of them, took a deep breath and started playing arpeggios at high tempos. The other children stood staring, knowing they couldn’t do anything quite that extensive. All except for Sam.

By the time Yngwie had finished, the activity had caused him to sweat extensively, leaving a small pool on the hard wood flooring of the exhibit. Wonka was in the back, and when he finished looked unimpressed.

“Hey babe yeah that was alright except that like I couldn’t groove to that the whole chord progression was just strange and all like dancing to an exploding lava lamp it just can’t be done you know well maybe my long lost brother William Wonka could do it but still that’s just a guess anyway yeah that was just not that great get out of the exhibit bro hehe but seriously”

Yngwie was out of shape, and was huffing and puffing from what he had just done, but he slowly walked out of the exhibit, and laid down on the ground in the hallway. That was when Sam walked forward. “I hope you like this, Wonka,” he said, and he quickly started playing.

After watching and listening to Yngwie’s Critiques, he did the exact same thing Yngwie did, but changed a few notes here and there to make it more bluesy. He also added some tapping licks and a little more whammy bar, leading to this groovin’ shred tune that even Wonka was amazed at. Yngwie looked on in amazement. Suddenly, his chest started hurting. A combination of the frenzied activity he had just completed with his shredding, the embarrassment of being outshone by a poor kid, and the 20 or so donuts he had eaten was leading to a massive heart attack. He grew short of breath and started yelling for help, but the loud sounds being produced by Sam droned him out, so he stopped crying and died in silence.

Chapter 10: The Song of the Ancients

When Sam had finished, he put the guitar back on the pedestal and walked back to Wonka, who shook his hand and congratulated him on winning the contest. Then everyone turned to continue on with the tour when they noticed Yngwie, dead on the ground. Wonka just shrugged it off and called for the server of the donuts to take care of him. She ran over and, with difficulty, picked him up and took him somewhere else in the factory.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, little blue skinned people appeared out of the sky and landed, surrounding the children and Wonka. “Oh boy oh boy,” said Wonka. Wonka pulled out a pitch pipe and played the note Eb, and the little men started singing:

“Hey we’re oompa loompas yeah
We love to sing you know
Oh yeah you know
Anyway yeah sing along if you know the tune because
Yeah it’s great mmm yeah
So this fat man died and what
So just keep on swingin’ little dudes
That’s what you get for eating 20 donuts
And trying to play tapping licks at 20 nps
So don’t try it again and stuff”

By this point, Wonka had run over to his guitar and started playing a groovin’ solo, a solo so groovin’ that even the oompa loompas had to sit down to take in. A backing orchestra appeared behind Wonka and the event was so amazing that Morello passed out. When the song was finished, Wonka wiped his brow and returned to the children. He took out a new red headband and replaced his current one with it, throwing the used and sweaty headband to Sam. “Shall we carry on? Yes, let’s.”

Chapter 11: So Much Pleasure

Wonka snapped his fingers, and one oompa loompa ran to his side. Wonka instructed the oompa loompa to fire up the boat. The small, plump, blue man gave a salute to the Groovemaster, then swiftly walked from the scene. Wonka turned to the far end of the hall, where a tall door stood waiting for them. Wonka opened the door, and the children followed him into a dark room. An oompa loompa flicked a switch and lights turned on showing a big boat shaped like a naked wonka caressing two naked women, where the women’s heads were together making the front of the boat, and Wonka’s naked body was hovering over them, his hunched figure making a canopy over the rest of the boat. An erect penis of Wonka made of pure gold was used as a steering device, but it’s large size required three oompa loompas to properly drive the craft.

Below the boat was a river flowing with Pure Liquid Groove. Pure Liquid Groove is the form the pop takes before it’s exposed to the elements that change its flavor. It has never been released to the public, as test studies have proven that drinking it in mass quantities can cause people to groove to an extent equal to Wonka, something Wonka had always feared. The only thing that kept Wonka awake at night was the thought of someone in this world grooving just like him, or, God-forbid, grooving HARDER than him. His insides churned just thinking about it.

Thinking about such things during a tour of the factory couldn’t be allowed, so he quickly flushed the idea by grabbing the 5 challices he had stored on the boat. He, of course, took the largest chalice. He ushered the children to the back of the boat near the phallic steering device. He handed the four remaining children a chalice, and gave them all a marvelous speech:

“Wow hey kids so it’s a good thing that fat kid died or else I wouldn’t have had enough cups for you all anyway yeah so this boat is floating on pure liquid groove oh yeah seeing as you guys won the contest I have decided to let you babes drink some of it mmm I know it’s quite good so yeah um here we go this is the blood of me shed for you for the forgiveness of your sins take and drink hehe was that a little too blasphemous hmm well I’ll know for next time anyway yeah climax my fat golden winky oh yeah oh wow a little more pleasure than I had meant oh well”

While he had been talking, he had slowly been rubbing the golden penis with his free hand. As he rubbed it, it grew in size and occasionally let out little spurts of Pure Liquid Groove, until the end of the speech where it had been pleasured so wonderfully by Wonka that it started a continuous spray of Liquid Groove into the boat. The children ran around with their chalices catching the drink and tasting its almighty flavor.

Wonka smiled at the pleasure his winky had caused the children. One tear slid down his cheek.

Chapter 12: Hammered

While the children were slurping up the divine boat ejaculate, Wonka filled his cup and, taking small sips, started up the boat and slowly floated the Sexual Statue down the river of liquid groove. As the children became intoxicated with the fluid, the boat started speeding up more and more as it flowed down stream. Wonka released all the devices on the boat and the current took the boat at a whopping 200 mph. The golden steering device continued to spray its shower of Pure Liquid Groove into the boat, filling the chambers meant for sitting and creating a pool inside the confines. The children started swimming in it and drinking it, feeling the groove enter their bloodstreams and completely change their perception of life and liberty as they knew it.

The boat flew by on the river until they reached their destination, another dock that led to another door. Eight oompa loompas came out of the bottom of the boat and, with all they could muster, carried the 4 children onto the concrete slab connecting the dock to the door passageway. Wonka jumped out of the boat and looked at what he had done to the children. They were all still lying on the ground, chalices in hand, staring into space with goofy smiles. In the back of his mind, he was a little concerned for their health, but he just smiled and continued to sip on his wonderful creation.

Wonka then snapped his fingers, and the oompa loompas pulled out syringes full of a green medicine. They injected all of the children, and in just a few minutes, they were all in a super deep sleep. The oompa loompas then carried out a red hammock. One oompa loompa stood on another’s shoulder and held one side of the hammock, while two more ooompa loompas did the same on the other side. Wonka jumped into the makeshift bed, with a little more force than intended, completely shattering the left heel of the oompa loompa on the bottom of his head side. The poor blue dwarf whimpered once, but eventually fought off the pain by thinking of his sister back in the homeland. Then Wonka drifted into his own slumber.

Chapter 13: Dreams that fly in the Midnight Wind

The mixture of Liquid Groove and medicine, or the comfort of the oompa loompa powered hammock, caused everyone to dream about the most traumatic experience in their life so far. Wonka’s brain flashed back to a day in high school, where he had seen his best friend commit suicide right in front of him. The nightmare was so real, his friend laying in a pool of blood, his blonde hair stained red. His friend’s last words kept ringing in his ear and echoing through the halls of the school: “This is the worst groove I’ve ever heard.” The dream turned black and white as Wonka curled into a ball, other students from the school running to the scene. The blood started flooding the halls and drowning Wonka, until he startled awake from his dream.

Tom Morello, who had always been playing video games and listening to music, dreamt of the time he went to visit his grandparents in central Indiana. They were of the Amish lifestyle, and didn’t believe in any of his same interests. The medicine caused a boost in horror, so his granparents took on the appearance of the High School Football players who always picked on him, but with massive beards and pitchforks. The Bullies tied Morello up with some wire and hung him from a post in his grandparent’s barn and started throwing animals at him; chickens, cows, pigs, dogs, etc. They kept missing, but Morello’s allergies caused him to swell up into a giant ball. They finally threw a pitchfork at him, which punctured his heart, startling him awake.

Matt Bellamy’s dream was very unflattering. His dream started out happy, with him swimming naked in a sea of golden coins from all over the world. Then, the coins started disappearing one by one, almost by magic. When the final coin disappeared, he suddenly realized he was in the middle of his favorite Amusement Park from his childhood, naked. This particular time, he had been on a school trip and, taking a dare from a friend, was now naked in front of his entire class. In particular, he was in naked in front of the girl he had loved since he was in kindergarden, Jen. She just looked at him, frowning and with one tear in her eye, ashamed at the size of his hard thick slankydoodle. Bellamy started crying, and the medicine kicked in. A man who operated a game on the sidewalk ran over with a massive hammer and, with all of his might, flattened Jen into a pancake in front of his very eyes. The blood and bone particles spattered into bellamy’s open mouth, and he startled awake when the enraged hammer man turned and decimated him, too.

Sam, having led a very modest life, had never experienced anything incredibly traumatic, but the most stressful time in his life had been when his grandmother on his mom’s side started choking on a piece of broccoli one night. It had been when he was about 6 years old, so the vision of watching his grandmother almost die had always stuck with him. The only thing Sam had a very irrational fear of was people of Native American decent, so in the nightmare, his father was played by a Blackhawk Indian, and started scalping his grandmother before his very eyes. It wasn’t until his father started eating his grandmother that he startled awake.

Everyone who had startled awake looked around at everyone else. Suddenly they all realized that Rivers Cuomo was nowhere to be found. They all started asking each other what happened, when one of the oompa loompas that had been holding up Wonka explained what happened.

“It was dreadful, sir. The kid was screaming like he was possessed by a demon. He got up and was running around screaming in our faces, when he turned to the river and dove in. It wasn’t very deep, so he cracked his head open and drowned in front of our very eyes.”

They all had a moment of silence for Cuomo. The event haunted those 4 oompa loompas every night following, until they all signed a suicide pact 2 weeks later.

Chapter 14: Remember Remember

Everyone was a little tense with how this tour had turned out so far. Two deaths had occurred in the span of an hour. Sam and Tom were a little worried and scared for what was yet to come, fearing that death was imminent to everyone. The only person not a little scared was Matt, who decided that when the tour was over, he could use these experiences to make a bunch of money with tabloids and newspapers, not to mention the possibility of suing Wonka for all he was worth for the “trauma” he had “experienced” on the seemingly harmless tour. He chuckled to himself just a bit at the great idea he had come up with, but made sure to keep up an act of sadness to make sure no one else stole his plan; he wanted all the money for himself.

Wonka went to the side of the river of Pure Liquid Groove, looking for any sign of Rivers, but to no avail. The current must have taken him even farther downstream, he thought, so he ordered some Oompa Loompas to start a search party for Rivers’ body. Returning the body to his parents was the least he could do. As the oompa loompas were getting into their little boats to search for the body, Wonka pulled the pitch pipe out of his pocket. He was about to blow a starting pitch for the little choir of blue males, but decided against it. Instead, choking back tears, he sang a little funeral dirge:

“Oh man, my mistake my little man of the sea
You probably hate me now, injecting you and all
If you can ever forgive me, please do baby, baby
Because I really need some forgiveness
Tonight.”

By the end of Wonka’s lament, everyone was in tears. Wonka had even shed a few tears by the end, and he pulled out some handkerchiefs and gave them to the children. They all blew their noses in unison the first time, but Wonka started them in a sort of rhythm with their nose blows. They started having so much fun that eventually they had completely forgotten the death of their fellow tour mate and were laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened.

The oompa loompas stared in disbelief, losing all hope in humanity with every passing second, but then floated on down the river in search of Rivers.

Chapter 15: Kids These Days

Wonka decided it was time to move on with the tour, so he pulled a credit card looking thing out of his pocket. He inspected it quick and grinned, then gathered the 3 remaining children together and walked to the door. He slid the card through a slider, which opened the door automatically. They walked inside to see the heart of the groove factory: the testing and manufacturing area.

As they walked in the door, Oompa Loompas ran up to them and thrust safety glasses and white lab coats on their small, 14 year old bodies. Wonka stood laughing as the children were forced into their clothes, and he grabbed his own white lab coat (which was more like a furry bathrobe, but with little white tassles at every orifice). He also grabbed new safety sunglasses, which made him look super cool indoors. When everyone was in proper attire, they managed to finally look at the massive room they were in.

It was a giant domed room full of machinery and oompa loompas, all working at machines. There were steel tracks running all around the place, all filled with full and empty bottles of Liquid Groove. Hanging from the ceilings were giant open-topped tubs, each of which had at least 2 sawed off pipes running into it, pouring various components of the soft drink into each tub. Besides the tubs and pipes, there were some heavy duty incandescent lights hanging, but there were so few and so spread out that the room was very poorly lit, with most of the light coming through a few windows cut into the dome. With all the running machinery, the temperature was astoundingly high, where all 4 of the non-oompa loompas in the room were already sweating buckets after just five minutes.

Wonka showed the children around to the various machines and conveyor belts, the three of them just dying to get out of the factory. Finally, they reached another door, and the children ran to it without paying attention to anything Wonka was saying.

Unfortunately for the children, Wonka was saying “Don’t use that door babes it leads to pretty much nothing but the outside world where people work for wages and pay and I really don’t know why that door is there I’ll have my oompa dudes deal with it some time anyway yeah why are you still running towards the door don’t open it noooo if you do the consequences might be death hopefully not though I would hate to lose yet another small child of the groove in this wonderful factory full of love and peace and happiness mmm oh dear why Matt why open the door oh dear”

The door was exactly as he had said, it opened to the outside. But their current location in the factory was about 200 feet in the air. Matt had opened the door, and as Sam and Tom rushed out, he was pushed out of the door. The mixture of the cold winter air on their extravagantly warm bodies caused shock that made their bodies freeze in place. As such, Matt Bellamy, the child of greed and dischord, couldn’t yell or move his body to try and not fall to the ground oh so far below. The other two children watched, struck by fear and shock, as they watched him fall to his death.

He looked so graceful in his designer clothes, even birds flying by stopped to watch a human try and attempt what they had been doing for aeons. They chuckled to themselves as he failed miserably.

Chapter 16: Gold Medalist

Wonka walked over to the children, who stared in disbelief at their tour-mate, sprawled broken on the ground. Wonka heaved a heavy sigh, and then pushed the children back out of the door, just so that he could dive out of the door to the ground. Sam and Tom’s heart’s jumped as they watched the legendary Groovemaster dive headfirst towards the ground, surely to suffer the same fate as Matt.

Then they realized what was going on. Matt had landed on the parking lot just below the door, his dead and shattered body laying on the blacktop, his blood barely visible against the dark pavement. About 2 feet to the east of his body was a giant pile of fresh powdery snow. It seems the oompa loompas in charge of clearing the parking lot had thrown all of the extra snow there.

Wonka’s dive was flawless, his coat and robe flowing beautifully behind him. The same birds were envious of his beauty, and as such flew away, not just with disgust, but with a good amount of excrement that they dropped on some civilians outside of the factory walls. The civilians were outraged.

The snow was so large and puffy that it perfectly cushioned his fall. It took him a little bit to get out of the pile, but he finally managed and, after wiping the snow off him, walked over to matt’s carcass and pronounced him dead. Some oompa loompas parachuted from the same door Wonka dived out of and carried Bellamy’s body away. It was quite the spectacle, indeed.

Chapter 17: Fun In The Fluffy White Stuff

Wonka put his fingers in his mouth and whistled the melody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s famous tune “Macavity: The Mystery Cat.” From a door in the side of the factory, an oompa loompa ran out, holding a red velvet pillow with golden trim, on which laid a rappelling gun. He bowed on one knee and held the rappel pillow up to Wonka. Wonka, looked down at him and smiled, taking the gun from the pillow. He proceeded to shoot it and latch it on the door from which he had swan dove moments before. When he had gotten inside the factory again, he threw the rappel down to the oompa loompa (who struggled, but eventually succeeded, in catching the gun). Wonka then closed the door and continued on with the remaining two children.

The Oompa Loompas on the ground, five in total, looked around at the world surrounding them. The cold air felt wonderful on their rough hide, despite the immense temperatures they were accustomed to inside the building. For 4 of the 5 of the oompa loompas, this was their first time ever stepping foot outside of the building. The 5th oompa loompa was one of the original kidnapped from their homeland, so many generations ago. The other 4 were much younger, having been born there at the factory. Seeing as Wonka wasn’t looking, one of the 4 youngest ran and dove into the snow. He started laughing and making snow angels.

Suddenly, from inside the factory, a taller than average oompa loompa wearing a rather futuristic vest and holding a beating stick ran out. He had a little silver star similar to that of a sheriff’s badge. He calmly walked towards the Oompa Loompa enjoying the snow and spoke with a low, rough voice,

“I believe you know the rules. Punishment is in order.”

The Oompa Loompa police man walked over and proceeded to deliver the 10 blows to the chest of the violator. The eldest oompa loompa looked on in horror, flashing back to that fateful day when they were taken by force back to this forsaken factory to work, day in and day out.

Chapter 18: The Good Ole Days

They lived in a tropical forest, where the temperature was warm all day and all night. It rained often enough to cool the bodies from their labor of maintaining the tribe. These people called themselves the Ambimom tribe, a word meaning “Busty Babes” in their native tongue. They had existed for hundreds of years, living in peace with each other. They had never experienced battle, and as such, they were a much more intelligent tribe, focused on science and medicine. For this reason they were targeted by The Globe-Haired Monger, Willy Wonka. He approached from the sea, with a handful of mercenaries from Pakistan, people he wouldn’t regret killing later. Using the mercenaries, he hauled all of the men and a handful of women from the tribe and forced them onto his boats. Those that resisted were murdered by the mercenaries, all using beating sticks or daggers. The blood of the few warriors stained the sands of the Ambimom, and fear caused all of them to give in to the Groovemaster’s demands. The children who awoke the next morning were all alone with their mothers. Due to the vast amount of women, they had a hard time multiplying, so they stole men from surrounding tribes to be their mates. Due to bad translations among the tribe members, they later became known as the tribe of the Amazon, and the ruthless and lusting women became notorious for their deeds in the jungles.

The stolen tribe members lived in an underground world, beneath the massive factory. They were forced into small huts, much more futuristic than their Ambimom homes. Wonka explained to each of them exactly what they were supposed to do to keep the factory running, whether it meant polishing statues or driving boats or putting lids on bottles. Instead of calling them by their honored name of Ambimom, he decided the name “Oompa Loompa” was much more groovy and refused to call them by any other name. After a few attempts at misconduct in the underground chambers, Wonka appointed a few trusted Oompa Loompas to enforce his rules. These Officers were granted more rights and more rations than any others, and as such were hated by all the other Oompa Loompas.

They started praying to their god to help them from their oppression, and take them back to their homeland. Over time, certain Oompa Loompas began having dreams of a Saviour that would come and free them from their underground prison. Within the past 10 years, the amount of dreams of freedom had been increasing. They believed their time of captivity to soon be over.

The eldest Oompa Loompa flash-forwarded back to the present, watching this poor young Oompa Loompa getting beat to a bloody pulp for just trying to gain some innocence in their world of evil. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Chapter 19: Deal With It

The officer continued beating the youngster well past his ten blow punishment. The blows had been so hard and so direct that he had begun coughing up blood, staining the purity of the snow surrounding them. The Eldest walked over and grabbed the beating stick from the officer’s hand.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop,” said the officer. The Old oompa loompa didn’t listen and, with the bravery of 100 African Lionesses, he forced back the officer and, taking the beating stick, raised it to start a retaliation. But before he could even deliver one attack, the officer casually pulled out a small silver pistol and shot a bullet right between the eyes of the old Ambimom veteran.

Everyone was scared for their lives. The remaining three Oompa Loompas picked up the body of Matt Bellamy and ran inside with unrivalled speed. The officer, stood over the young oompa loompa, a little grin approaching his face.

“You got lucky son, keep that in mind. “ He walked back inside the confines of the factory, leaving the dying elder and the hurt youngster alone. The youngster crawled over to the dying one, tears falling down his cheek. “Why did you do it, sir,” he cried.

The Old one turned over on his side, blood falling quick and effortlessly from his brow. His calloused and hardened hide had helped to endure the bullet, but of course, the technology of today was hardly a competition for the hide of the old tribesman. With a trembling body, he whispered to the young one:

“I hope you see the Saviour.”

And he died.

The young one was crying quite hard at this point. It is worth mentioning the oompa loompas, for the most part, had never been given official names, all making up nicknames for each other among the oompa loompas they know most. This young oompa loompa, that day, gave himself a nickname that would remain for generations to come. He called himself “Armchair”, a word in his language that means “Preparer of the Way”.

Total fatality count: Yngwie, Rivers, Matt, the four hammock oompa loomaps, old oompa loompa, random violinist in the orchestra from like chapter 10 or something who got trampled as he attempted to clean up his music area and get out of the museum and go home, the poor soul.

Chapter 20: So, anyways...

Meanwhile, back in the factory, Sam and Tom had gotten over Matt’s death pretty quickly seeing as he was kind of a prick and no one really liked him anyway. Wonka brushed himself off from his rappelling adventure, ready to keep moving along with the tour. He thought about maybe singing a song to mark the death of his fellow tour mate, but he decided the best way to honor the child was to give money to an orphanage, seeing as Matt was an orphan and loved money and all.

Wonka ushered the remaining two children into the next room of the tour, and arguably the most important room of the entire factory: The Groove Genesis room. In this room was where Wonka had created his first Supreme Groove, seeing as he built the factory over his household home the instant his family died. This was the heart of the factory, the place that Wonka felt the most at ease in. To the children, it looked like a living room from the 60s, complete with orange furnature, shag carpet, a phonograph playing a late 40s jazz album, and a stuffed moose head hanging from the northern wall. Hanging from the walls were pictures of Wonka’s distant relatives, along with some pictures of his ex-wife and his children. There were guitar holders on the walls suspending a mass variety of brand name guitars, all of which contained the wear and tear of years of use. There was a grand piano in one corner, and a giant collection of synthesizers and computer next to that. A drum set and other various percussion miscellanea were in another corner.

The focal point of the room was a desk covered in papers and pencils, along with a bit of wiring and electronic equipment, not to mention the mass amounts of empty Liquid Groove bottles and empty Cheetos bags scattered on the desk and floor. Then there was a fairly large amplifier next to it and a holy host of effects pedals, enough to cover almost the entire floor. The only area of the floor able to walk on was a cleared path leading to the desk from the door they had entered. The sight of all the effects he could be making made Tom start drooling.

Chapter 21: The Build-Up

Wonka, having not talked in about 10 minutes felt obliged to say something.

“So yeah this is my room it’s pretty nice I mean check out that amplifier I bought it back in the 70s still plays great but the tubes are pretty hard to replace once I had to go all the way to Jamaica and deal some dirty cards to get some replacements hehe anyway enough about my black market escapades although this one time I decided to get my brother a birthday present and well I didn’t know what to get him so I decided the best option was a gun from the lost nation of Laos and well you can’t just GET that type of stuff so I had to go take it for myself hehe it was fun I definitely spilled some blood that day but yeah don’t kill people it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be oh um yeah all these papers that are scattered every are my attempts at trying to groove on again it just isn’t working why isn’t working I demand an answer fine don’t answer get out of my factory hehe that was a joke why so straight faced babes anyway yeah check out all the effects pedals they’re all the ones I’ve bought over the past 50 years check it out this wah pedal here was owned by Jimi Hendrix himself what a guy definitely an inspiration anyway yeah there’s probably 2000 effects pedals in total here I kind of forget what they all do hey tommy boy over there why not try ‘em out oh yeah I ain’t joking mama keep on tokin’ so yeah”

Tom didn’t have to be told twice, he ran over and picked a guitar from off the walls and plugged it into the Amp from the 70s. Then he took off running, stepping on pedal after pedal, not bothering to change any settings. Unfortunately, Wonka had only ever used one pedal at a time in the past, so he had each pedal set quite loud, as he was a bit hard of hearing from years of giggin’ and groovin’. Morello had begun playing some minor blues lick, and with each distortion pedal he turned on, the volume began increasing little by little. Sam tried yelling to Tom to turn down the volume, but it was too late. The volume kept increasing decibel by decibel, getting loud enough to drown out the sounds of the machines in the factory, the sound of the ripples in the River of Pure Liquid Groove, the soft melodies in the speakers in the museum, and even Armchair could hear the vibrations outside of the factory, still sitting in the snow in his maimed state.

Tom’s playing even drowned out the sound of the foundations of the factory beginning to shatter, one by one. No one could have escaped in time.

Chapter 22: ...And the Fall

The silence was overwhelming. What had just been the ear shattering sound of ringing guitar licks and collapsing building walls and ceilings was replaced by the sound of nothing. Not a bird sang, not a dog barked, and certainly no sheep baa’d. Civilians gathered at the scene, looking for any sign of life.

There was no life.

The casualties eventually reached 2 humans and 10,000 oompa loompas, a tribe from south America thought to be extinct by historians. Seeing as they had no need to bury so many bodies nobody truly cared about, the local government began selling the bodies to scientists as they had need for them, and within three days all of the bodies had been given out. Researchers who were interested in South American tribesmen began running tests and one of note received a nobel peace prize for his studies of the Ambimom. He kept all the money for himself until he was murdered by a hitman, and the money was given to his son and daughter who he had very little contact with. It was in the headlines, I’m surprised you’re not familiar.

There was no life.

Wonka was nowhere to be found, the only thing of his that remained was his famous Paisley robe and a red handkerchief and sunglasses. Legend has it that he really was an Angel of Groove and that he really wasn’t of this Earth, so he returned to the Paradise from which he had come. Some conspiracy theorists think that in all of Wonka's life, he had made many enemies, so he had implanted small vials of acid in his muscles that were to release upon his death, completely removing any sign of his DNA. No one is really sure what happened, you'll just have to decide for yourself.

There was no life.

Tom Morello’s family were very hardcore conservatives, and as such, they felt euthanasia to be a good way of preserving the planet. Seeing as their son was always locked away in his room and not very intelligent, they decided that his death was probably for the best and only mourned for a short time. It was pretty sad to read, but I guess you can’t please everyone.

There was no life.

Sam Totman’s family held a very tiny funeral for their dear son and grandson, but seeing as they had very little money, they considered eating him to maintain their health. Sam, having had a factory collapse on him and lay in the rubble for days, looked surprisingly good, having very few bruises and broken bones. Despite all of this, the family still felt it best to eat him, they put his body in a giant oven, and waited until he was that best temperature, close to 160 degrees Farenheit, where the skin turns a nice solid golden brown and the juices can hardly stay contained within his delicious little body. As they waited for Sam to continue cooking, a light started being emitted from the oven. The oven started shaking until it eventually exploded and out from the rubble came a ferocious sight.

Sam had turned into a massive purple dragon, something you would only believe true in fairy tales. Sam’s mind still controlled the body of this dragon, so when he saw that the oven explosion had killed his family, he went on an uncontrollable rage throughout all of the town.

There was no life.

Eventually he turned back into human form and, instead of using his power for good, he traded it to the devil for shredding ability and formed a band that would rock the world over. Unfortunately, no one took them seriously and they only gained a bit of recognition by selling out to a video game.

The End.