the local newspaper

FOR SALE
3 bed, 0 bath cape
STUNNING VIEWS of the scenic town landfill!
NO RUNNING WATER! No copper pipes means that you save thousands!
UNINSURABLE! No longer will you have to deal with insurance companies trying to steal your hard-earned pay!
CALL 555-2637, ask for Dennis


LOST
Large sack of money, burlap with dollar sign design.
Last seen in hollowed-out tree stump.
555-6192, ask for Robert


FREE FOR THE TAKING
12 pounds of napkins. Slightly used, but still in good condition.
555-5749, ask for Frank


HELP WANTED
Looking for part-time personal masseuse.
Must be willing to give both happy endings and melancholy endings as requested.
Call 555-2637, ask for Dennis


FOUND
Large sack of money, burlap with dollar sign design.
Found in hollowed-out tree stump.
555-2186, ask for Officer Nancy


EVENT
Free hot dog day at the park! This Sunday from 11 AM - 7 PM.
Must bring own bun and condiments. No drinks will be provided or sold.
Hot dog will be served cold.