Like a Fish

YAKUZA 0:
"i'm going to kill that dojima guy for nani he did to makoto" "you'll have to get through me first" Awano and Majima rip off their shirts in unison and have a climactic shirtless fistfight inside a room. "damn majima you got me good" Just then, the door opens and Lao Gui aims his gun at Majima. "LOOK OUT" Awano leaps in front of Majima, taking bullet after bullet for him. "nani the fuck? we were just trying to kill eachother" "your repeated leg sweeps and sweet breakdance moves showed me the true meaning of friendship majima; continue to spread friendship through fistfighting" "you got it awano"
"kiryu it is time for our climactic shirtless fistfight on this boat because rooftops haven't been invented yet in the 80s" "i'm sorry who are you" "i'm shibusawa" "doesn't ring a bell" "nani" "let's see, there was kuze who fought me like eighteen times, awano who had sick dance moves, lao gui who shot me, and uh that's all the bad guys i remember" "uh" "OH are you one of the real estate guys? i thought i defeated all of you already" "just shut up and take off your shirt so we can fight"

YAKUZA 1:
"kiryu i could never become a better yakuza hero than you and everyone reminded me of it constantly so i decided to become a yakuza villain" "oh come on that's a harsh standard to live up to" "i am going to take this billion yen and run away with my pure waifu yumi" "who?" "nani? you've been lugging her daughter around all game" "listen if there were an important under-developed character in yakuza 1, the prequel certainly would have expanded on her backstory, as happened with you, kazama, shimano, majima, sera, dojima, etc." "dude yumi is the love of your life which is why we're in this mess right now" "nani? no i already have a girlfriend down at the pocket circuit stadium"

YAKUZA 2:
"TERADA?! YOU'RE ALIVE?! NANI?!" "not only am i alive but i am ALSO SECRETLY KOREAN!!!" Kiryu's face turns to a frown immediately. "you expect me to believe this shit? you're korean, kaoru's korean, ryuji's korean; are there any other koreans i should know about?!" "not until yakuza 6" "nani-" "ANYWAY my plan has finally come to fruition so i am going to shoot you with this submachine gun pew pew"
Kiryu emerges victorious, his fists triumphing over Terada's bullets. "NOW BACK TO THE ORIGINAL PLAN: ryuji, you and i are going to have a shirtless fistfight on this rooftop" "sounds good" "but guys there's a bomb that's about to go off" "oh right; kaoru, you should leave so you don't blow up while ryuji and i have our climactic shirtless fistfight" Kiryu and Ryuji march over to the location as Terada smirks, almost dead. "kiryu has taught me the true meaning of friendship by punching me in the face over and over while i filled him with hot lead, so i have removed the detonating mechanism from the bomb as a sign of our friendship"

YAKUZA 3:
"MINE why are you doing this?!" "daigo is my best friend in the whole world; i love and respect him so fucking much that i simply must kill him" "that doesn't make any sense" "listen, it's for his own good; his character gets completely turned to shit in yakuza 4 - if he dies now, though, he will forever remain a good character in people's minds!!!" "it can't be THAT bad" "well you know how he almost died trying to defend you earlier" "yeah" "well in yakuza 4, some random guy wants some cash money and daigo bends his knee and ruins everyone's lives for no reason when he could have just had the guy removed from the premises and put into yakuza jail" "that doesn't sound very consistent with daigo's character thus far in the series" "exactly, so i plan to kill him now so he can avoid that fate" "i don't believe you thus we must have a shirtless fistfight on this rooftop" "oh all right"

YAKUZA 4:
"guys i had an idea: everyone wants my cash money so what if we put it all on a rooftop and then had a series of climactic shirtless fistfights" "THAT SOUNDS AWESOME" "AND WE CAN COME IN IN A HELICOPTER AND BLOW THE MONEY ALL AROUND INTO THE AIR SO IT SPREADS ALL OVER TOKYO!!!" "wait nani-" "YEAH YEAH IT WILL BE SO COOL!!!" "GREAT IDEA AKIYAMA" "uh-"
"DAIGO why did you go along with the plans of this random guy?!" "he really wanted that cash money" "YOU'RE THE CHAIRMAN!!! YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID 'NO'!!!" "wait really?!" "YES" "FUCK" Daigo glances around nervously at the shirtless rooftop fistfights happening all around him. "uh guys can i get a do-over" "NO" "daigo you know nani must now happen" "a shirtless rooftop fistfight?" Kiryu rips off his shirt. "sigh"

YAKUZA 5:
"a ha ha ha ha!!! while you guys were fistfighting shirtless on this rooftop for no reason, i, THE REAL VILLAIN, am here with a gun!!!" "wait you're the villain?! but you're the detective!!!" "that was a RUSE!!! i am actually the chairman of the omi alliance!!!" "wait i thought it was that other guy" "no that was five chairmans ago; we keep dropping like flies for some reason" "ah" "speaking of: i have cancer so i am going to pass the omi alliance onto my son but first he is going to take over the tojo clan!!!" "ooh ooh let me guess who your son is: is it saejima" "nani? no" "is it me" "no kiryu it is not you" "majima?" "no" "akiyama?" "NO it's the guy from the beginning of the game with the fish tattoo" "you know i never understood that; people get tigers, dragons, and demons, and this nigga gets a fucking FISH" "the legend goes that the fish will climb the waterfall and become a dragon!!!" "meanwhile his tattoo plastered all over his back will forever remain a fish"
Haruka stands on the stage at her DreamLine idol show, performing song after song. Before the final song, however, Haruka sets her plan into motion. "excuse me i have something i need to say: i am only here because i was kidnapped from my home in okinawa by park while she blackmailed my father figure into becoming a taxi driver; she threatened to destroy the orphanage and the kids still have PTSD from when it was destroyed in yakuza 3 and now they have lost their father figure as well and all so park could fulfill her YUME by proxy but she's dead now so here's one final fuck you to her" Haruka gives the ground a swift middle finger, knowing it will reach Park in Hell.

YAKUZA 6:
"ah so you've come at last kiryu" "yeah uh could you tell me why you're the villain this time? i kind of blanked everything after the secret battleship and the death of vic romano" "okay i will go through this ONE LAST TIME: i am gunning to be the chairman of the yomei alliance" "which is different from the omi alliance" "right, and also i am going to kill you, your barely legal daughter figure, and a baby in order to become the legendary yakuza" "i understand killing me; beat the best to be the best, but why are you killing babies again" "because for all i know he'll grow up to be like a super-kiryu and repeatedly punch me in the face during a climactic shirtless fistfight on a rooftop" "fair enough; so are we going to find a rooftop or-" "no, we shall have our climactic shirtless fistfight inside this warehouse" "NANI!!! that's not how this works!!! we need to find a skyscraper or something to fight on top of!!! this is supposed to be my last game before we pass it over to afro nishiki!!! i can't be having my final battle be inside a goddamn warehouse!!!" "i know; that is why i bought this warehouse in the first place!!!" "YOU MONSTER" Kiryu begins to sweat. "maybe i can call majima and have him airlift the warehouse onto a rooftop"