A Brief History of the Three Kingdoms Period

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE THREE KINGDOMS ERA OF CHINA
I hope I get this right or else I will feel pretty embarrassed later
(this is actual real life history as I have learned; if anything is wrong it's on me and I'm sorry)



After many years of reign, the Han Dynasty had grown corrupt, thanks to the efforts of ten eunuchs leading the country astray, with the emperor powerless to do anything about it. Why the emperor would be intimidated by eunuchs, we will never know.
So three brothers, Zhang Jue, Zhang Bao, and Zhang Liang, got fed up with it all and formed a group called the Yellow Scarves, but everyone just calls them the Yellow Turbans because it sounds cooler. This was meant to replace the Han, as they felt it had lost the Mandate of Heaven. In reality, it ended up just being a bunch of bandits that everyone hated. So all the major warlords banded together to kill the Zhang brothers and get rid of the bandit problem.
But one man named Dong Zhuo felt that maybe they were onto something re:the Han and the eunuchs, so he and Yuan Shao went off and murdered them all. Then Dong Zhuo turned to the warrior Lu Bu and told him he was super-cool, but his adopted father wasn't cool at all. Dong Zhuo told Lu Bu that if he killed his stupid adopted father, Dong Zhuo would become his new, cooler adopted father. So Lu Bu succumbed to peer pressure, killed his father, and became Dong Zhuo's "son". Then Dong Zhuo killed the emperor because why not. Yuan Shao was taken aback, and was all indignant, and ran away regrouped before he could be executed. This angered Dong Zhuo, who decided to execute every single one of Yuan Shao's relatives in the capital city. Yuan Shao was not pleased. Dong Zhuo also put the late emperor's son as emperor, basically controlling him. (Emperor Xian)

Now, let's take a break to talk about Dong Zhuo. He was the worst. I'd rather have Adolf Hitler as a ruler over Dong Zhuo any day of the week. Gas chambers sound pretty sweet compared to what Dong Zhuo got up to. Dong Zhuo was a fan of "torture parties". He'd hold a big banquet and bring in a prisoner to be tortured. He made an art of it; first he'd cut out their tongue so they couldn't scream, then he'd remove their eyes, then their limbs, keeping them alive the whole time. Then when they finally, finally felt the sweet release of death, he had the prisoner placed on the table as a centrepiece. Great, great guy.
Also, Dong Zhuo took every woman for himself, raping with pleasure and glee, and told all his men to do the same. He also decided he didn't have enough money, so he melted down ancient artefacts (as in, artefacts that were considered ancient in the second century) and had them turned into coins, which devalued the currency completely. What a man.

So Cao Cao decided enough was enough, and had Yuan Shao send out for a gathering of China's warlords to take down Dong Zhuo, since it worked out so well against the Yellow Turbans. Everyone showed up, including Yuan Shao's half brother, Yuan Shu, and /OURGUY/ Sun Jian. They all set off to defeat the tyrant Dong Zhuo and rescue the emperor.
Except they were all shit at it aside from Sun Jian. Sun Jian won victory after victory against Dong Zhuo's forces, even killing one of his top men, Hua Xiong. This made Yuan Shu jealous, so he cut of Sun Jian's supplies, which pissed Sun Jian right the fuck off. Sun Jian marched back to Yuan Shu and was like "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE", and Yuan Shu apologised and resumed supplying Sun Jian. Then later he stopped again because he's an asshole.
Eventually, Sun Jian dragged the coalition to the capital, and forced Dong Zhuo to retreat west (after setting the capital ablaze, of course), emperor in tow. Then Lu Bu got seduced by a scullery maid into killing Dong Zhuo. Since Lu Bu sucks, he was forced out of the clique and retreated east. He was technically a hero, I suppose.
Since Dong Zhuo was dead, the coalition disbanded. Within the ruins, Sun Jian found the Imperial Seal, which was an EXTREMELY important object. It was the physical proof that the holder (who is supposed to be the emperor) had the right to rule; the Mandate of Heaven. Sun Jian didn't want anyone to know he had this (as he didn't know who outside his force was an enemy or friend of the Han), so he kept it hidden. Not well enough, though, because Yuan Shu found out he had it, and kidnapped Sun Jian's wife to blackmail him.

Now, Yuan Shu and Yuan Shao hated eachother. Their father was the second son, meaning that his children would never, in theory, be the main line of the Yuan clan. Yuan Shu was the oldest, so he was heir to what they did have. Except for the fact that the first son never had a male heir, so the second son sent his second son to be adopted by the first son. Meaning that Yuan Shao was now the main heir of the Yuan clan. Yuan Shu, understandably, hated this.
So Yuan Shu sent Sun Jian off to defeat some of Yuan Shao's allies. When Sun Jian went to attack Liu Biao, however, he was killed in an ambush by a hail of arrows. His son, Sun Ce, took over, and gave the Imperial Seal to Yuan Shu in exchange for his mother and his independence. Then he set off south to claim his homeland of Wu from the bandit tribes that controled it. He was very successful.

MEANWHILE, Cao Cao's father was murdered, and he also wanted some territory, so two birds, right? Except that Lu Bu attacked Cao Cao's home base while he was gone, so he had to retreat. Then Lu Bu fled east, back to where Cao Cao was attacking anyway, so Cao Cao marched off again. Now, Cao Cao's reasons for taking this territory weren't actually revenge; he just felt the old ruler was incompetent. He hated the system where men are promoted based on familial ties rather than merit, and he sought to improve everyone's lives by making all promotions merit-based, and having people actually help the peasantry. He was villified by those outside his lands, but loved by those inside.
Lu Bu was taken in by Liu Bei, who had the castle town of Xiapi. Liu Bei went off to go get milk or something, and left Zhang Fei in charge. Zhang Fei was a hopeless drunk, so Lu Bu stole the castle right from him.
Cao Cao and Liu Bei then teamed up to defeat Lu Bu once and for all. Then Liu Bei tried to poison Cao Cao. Cao Cao was, understandably, a little upset. Liu Bei ran off, but left his best warrior, Guan Yu, behind accidentally. Cao Cao liked Guan Yu a lot, and tried desperately to gain his favour, giving him gold, land, weapons, Lu Bu's horse, and so on. There was a woman rescued from Lu Bu named Lady Du who became Cao Cao's concubine, and Guan Yu asked Cao Cao if he could marry her. Cao Cao refused. Keep this in mind for later.

So Yuan Shu now has the Imperial Seal, and he thinks he's pretty hot shit. So he declares himself emperor. Everyone hates that. Yuan Shu is quickly killed when everyone dogpiles on him.
Then they receive word of the REAL emperor, who is being carted around by some of Dong Zhuo's boys. Cao Cao is first on the scene, and rescues the emperor. Everyone hates him for this, because they are jealous that Cao Cao gets to be best buds with the emperor. Yuan Shao is especially jealous, and declares war on Cao Cao. Cao Cao wins, and later also kills Yuan Shao's sons for their land. However, Liu Bei was working with Yuan Shao, and meets back up with Guan Yu, and they all skip merrily away. Cao Cao is still kind of pissed about the assassination attempt, so he gives chase.
Somewhere in here, Liu Bei's trusted general Zhang Fei kidnaps the neice of Cao Cao's cousin, Xiahou Yuan. She is barely pubescent, and is made the mother of Zhang Fei's children. Great, great guy.
MEANWHILE, back down south, Sun Ce fucking dies. We don't know how it happened. He was alive one day, then POOF
Sun Ce's younger brother, Sun Quan, takes over and continues to pacify the region of Wu.

So Liu Bei evades capture by Cao Cao, and finds the Narcoleptic Lizard, Zhuge Liang. Zhuge Liang initially refuses to help Liu Bei, but eventually joins, impressed that Liu Bei asked him a total of three times. They flee south and meet up with Sun Quan, and Zhuge Liang and Sun Quan's strategist, Zhou Yu, come up with a plan to stop Cao Cao from wiping them out.
To get to Wu, Cao Cao has to cross a large body of water, and his men aren't skilled seamen. So /OURGUY/ Pang Tong goes and chains the ships together. The wind blows south, but in the current season, sudden shifts are known to happen. So Zhou Yu has Huang Gai fake a surrender to Cao Cao, under the guise of defection. In reality, Huang Gai lights his boat on fire and rams it into Cao Cao's fleet, and the wind catches every boat on fire.
After their impressive victory, Liu Bei still doesn't have a place of his own, so Sun Quan lets him crash in Jing Province for a while until he gets his own place.
Then Fa Zheng comes from the west and tells Liu Bei how to get his own place. They make plans to take the territory from Liu Bei's uncle, Liu Zhang. Liu Bei loans Pang Tong his horse, and Pang Tong is tragically killed because Liu Zhang's men mistook him for Liu Bei. I wish it had been Zhuge Liang instead. So Liu Bei takes over Chengdu from his uncle, but keeps Guan Yu stationed in Jing Province. This won't backfire ever. Also, Liu Bei declares himself emperor of "Shu-Han".

MEANWHILE, Ma Teng literally can't even right now and attacks Cao Cao. He is killed swiftly. Then Cao Cao hears that Liu Bei got his own place, across mountains rather than sea, so he attacks. Cao Cao's cousin, Xiahou Yuan, is killed in the battle. It really sucks. Guo Huai is especially distraught, because he was supposed to command the battle instead of Xiahou Yuan, but he got really, really sick.
At the same time, Sun Quan decides to attack Cao Cao with all of his men. Since Cao Cao is currently attacking Liu Bei, Hefei is lightly defended, and Sun Quan outnumbers Zhang Liao's troops by A LOT. Zhang Liao gathers up all the men who will volunteer (read: VOLUNTEER) to basically suicide into Sun Quan's humongous force. Except it's not suicide, because Zhang Liao cuts a fucking HOLE into Sun Quan's forces. Then he realises some men got left behind, so he cuts another hole BACKWARD to rescue his men. Sun Quan barely escapes with his life.

So Sun Quan gets home and hears that Liu Bei got his own place, so he wants Jing Province back, but Liu Bei won't give it to him. To help foster positive relations, they propose that one of Sun Quan's sons marry Guan Yu's daughter. Guan Yu flat-out refuses, because he thinks Sun Quan sucks. Sun Quan is mad, as he is adamant that he does not suck. Also, Guan Yu keeps attacking Sun Quan's supply caravans. So Cao Cao approaches Sun Quan with a deal.
Guan Yu attacks Cao Cao's castle nearby, Fan Castle, and kills his general Pang De, and forces the other general, Yu Jin, to surrender. Then they flood the castle, and Sun Quan's general, /OURFUCKINGGUY/ Lu Meng kills Guan Yu. Lu Meng dies shortly after because he was ill, but you can't really top that heroism, so. Sun Quan gets back Jing Province, and all is well.
Then Liu Bei's other general, Zhang Fei, is killed by his own men. To be fair, though, he did beat them brutally for pretty much anything. Also there was that one time he kidnapped and raped Xiahou Yuan's barely pubescent neice.
So Liu Bei is pissed, and attacks Sun Quan. He sucks at it, and is repelled easily. Then he dies shortly after. His son, Liu Shan, takes over as emperor of Shu.

But Cao Cao is also pretty old, and dies as well. His son, Cao Pi, kicks out the actual emperor and becomes emperor of Wei himself. He dies young, as does his son.
Zhuge Liang, meanwhile, decides to attack Cao Pi over and over again in repeated failed northern campaigns. In one of these campaigns, he kidnaps Jiang Wei and forces him to drink the Shu Kool-Aid. Zhuge Liang eventually dies, and Jiang Wei takes over his legacy of repeated failed attacks on the north. What an amazing legacy.
Sun Quan lives entirely too long, and all his good sons die until only the shitty ones are left. He also sends some of his best men out to sea to find Atlantis or the Fountain of Youth or some shit. Then he dies, and the Sun family is split in two, weakened by internal disputes. It eventually gets resolved, though, so good for them.

So a few generations of Cao emperors have passed in a short while, and they're getting worse and worse. Like Assassin's Creed games. So Sima Yi decides enough is enough, and stages a successful coup. He basically now has complete control over Wei, and passes it to his son, Sima Shi, when he dies.
Sima Shi installs a puppet emperor to replace the old one, and puts down a few rebellions. Then he gets eye cancer and dies, leaving his younger brother, SIma Zhao, to lead the clan. Sima Zhao deals with more rebellions, including one from the puppet emperor. Sima Zhao kills the puppet emperor, and puts a new puppet emperor in place with the help of Jia Chong.
Then Sima Zhao has his top generals, Zhong Hui and Deng Ai, attack Shu. Since Shu's resources have been drained to fuck and back by repeated northern campaigns, they're pretty much pushovers and Liu Shan surrenders to Sima Zhao.
Then Zhong Hui decides to rebel, and gets Deng Ai executed for treason before everyone realises that it's actually Zhong Hui who is guilty of treason. Zhong Hui is then executed for treason.
Zhong Hui's actions make everyone nervous, and they decide not to invade Wu for the time being. (despite the fact that Wu is currently in an inheritance dispute caused by Sun Quan's recent death)

After Sima Zhao's death, his son, Sima Yan, takes over. Sima Yan deposes the emperor and becomes emperor himself. Sounds a bit familiar.
So then Sima Yan decides to invade Wu, and Wu goes down quickly because all their talented men have already died. Sima Yan unites China, and establishes the Jin Dynasty.


















































But the Sima clan promotes people based on familial ties rather than merit, so everything collapses and splits into ten kingdoms. Oops.